Pacing

To all that can assure me some people can pace memory work. I need to know the trauma they experienced before I am assured. Until that occurs I do not find it credible that anyone ever has.

That being said we are now pacing. Least we think so. Part of it is some are with our therapist. Two more are going to be mailed to her. I do not know how this works. It is not my end of it. Some and our therapist seem to understand. I do not have to at this point.

Leaving them there and mailing two to her does have an effect on me. I just do not understand how  it works. It is hard on us.

———–

We are to beat up to continue and we need to rest and do some things in the now. We can see barriers (NOT DISSOCIATION) and we start to have the memories and have to get up to stop them from coming. Before this would cause a crash and is really really hard on us.

—–

We are getting casual in our conversation and writing in that we are not overly concerned that people do no have the context to at all understand MKULTRA and multiplicity. It s not unlike saying the pentagon of snowflakes was really apparent in that storm and not knowing some people do not have the chemistry understanding of  H2O and how it bonds to understand. Pretty much we come of arrogant.  We are not in a real way we figure if we have any understanding than it must be simple. That and we are very very tired and beat up. We commented about how we were transported in a coma in the MKULTRA program as a good example and we should have looked for a different one. People do not have the context to understand. Not a slam I did not most of my life.

———–

Update on the tanning booth. It is a good thing. It does make more work possible which is a disappointment. Our life had been anything that we do that is good for us means we can do more work.

I May be Done with This Part

I have never been successful with expressing that all trauma is not the same. I now know that no trauma is the same. It is built experience by experience including non-traumatic ones.

I feel right now that I do not want to try and express this anymore. There seems to be a block where people can only hear worse and can not hear different.

With professionals that they can not hear different makes it harder to stay away from help that is not helpful for all experiences.

I do not really worry about what my therapist is doing. I expect that she is doing psychoanalysis and expressive therapy and what ever else I come up with. In the context of a therapeutic relationship. She knows her ethics. Not as well as I do. Few do.

I over the last few days have processed the coming back from weeks at a MKULTRA facility. Here is the thing. Coming back was worse than being there. Living in a cellar was worse. All deaths were worse. The concept that all trauma is the same made all processing harder.

I can state that if you have ritual abuse in your background you are more likly to have unhelpful therapy. I can state that if you were in MKULTRA and had to deal with cults you are more likly to have unhelpful therapy.

I can state it is harder for a male to get any kinda of help at all.

So did I say that it is worse to be male? NO

Did I say it was worse to be in MKULKTRA and the cults? NO

Is cognitive behavioral therapy applicable to anyone who has had trauma designed by cognative behavioral therapisats. Not in my opinion and unless you have experienced cognative behavioral trauma designed by cognative behavioral therapists or have successfully treated someone who has I do not find you opinion more credible than mine.

Please spare me well we are all different or what works for one person may not for another.

Although pissed off right now that is not my passion. My passion is someone else who has had trauma designed by behavioral scientist will hear me and they my look in some other direction.

Note I am also working on my Continuing Education Units. And those people are arrogant allos.

Accepting your limitations

This is hard for me. For me to accept that your limitations are the same as mine impossible.

Now here is the thing. I really do not like it when you ascribe limitations that you have to me. I really really do not like it and that is why I get angry.

What it feels like is that you are using me. Dragging me into what limits you. In a real way I want to drag you out our your limitations so that I am not limited. Does not work.

I am not a all you have to do is have a positive attitude person. It seems to me that positive attitudes c0me from positive experiences.  Delusions come from selective processing of experiences be it limited ability or character. Delusions seem to also come from projecting. If a person goes to college and thinks they are better off because they have than they assume it is intrinsically a good thing and therefore will be for everyone.

The US is number one in education in one category. Confidence. It is not justified other than past experiences. It is folly.

————————————-

“Stuff” is coming to us from all angles. There is the normal healing of the brain so information is now available that was not. We are noticing things like we might say many times in a day “We spent a lot of time in the woods.” this was leading to the MKULTRA marine facility.

We were Santa one year and it was great. We had a list of the children and something about them on the list. Say they got a puppy last year we would know that and ask about it. We knew all their names. Next year when asked we freaked. We were at a ceremony and bells were given as gifts designating what could be done to the child. Mine were black. Not good. Nor was that there were three. They were tied to our genitals, the females had them inserted. Then we were all but in a meat locker. In my life this time was not that bad which makes it hard in a way.

It is getting easier and easier to process this stuff. Much does not even need to be written. The deaths are the hardest for us.

————-

Some one used the term dog and pony show. This has a different meaning to us than most people. We are getting more OK with dealing with both meanings.  As a multiple we all have different meanings for things. As we integrate this is less and less of an issue.

———-

So do day we need to do stuff. It is going to be hard. It is one of those things that will be better when done. We used to have this thing where we thought ourselves crazy for not doing such things and getting them over with. We now know what we were doing when we made the decision not to get these things done and that makes it easier. Before therapy we were the best that we knew at not putting things off. Reality is we are still good we are just doing the work of growth.

———-

Having the understanding that we do about the MKULTRA facilities is very confusing. It is means much work. It is a weight lifted which causes the work and makes it possible.

In Our Spare Time

We are making special marbles for people in the mental health field  that we know in the first 6 years of inappropriate treatment. Of the 100 0r so that we had to deal with this 7 people were competent and they treated us like a person. They understood they did not understand. On of them is a nurse in a hospital who gave us a hug and told us to take care with tears in her eyes after she told the sheriff I did not need to be shackled as I was different. I told her it will be ok this is just material for a Country Western Song. It was pretty much a joke. I had been leaving the hospital for walks and drove to get something to eat.

One is the therapist who was with me when I first told.  i thought it was just that one time. Smile. I was talking to CJ on my right and Mikie on my left and she suspected I might be DID. She steered me to a competent therapist who I am still seeing.

Two others are secetaries who treated me like a person.

One is a therapist who I do not really remember. She and I pretty much never had a chance. We did what we could.

One is a therapist who was really good with me on the phone when I was freaking out.

One is a art therapist at Mclean’s. I gave most of them marbles last time I was there. Last March.

It is honoring that they showed there humanity when few did. Part of it is saying good-bye to the mental health field and all the hospitals. Part of it is a fuck you to those who are still confident they are doing good in the world and are likely doing more harm than good.

We made 5 marbles today and some of them will be acceptable. We may have enough marbles now. We want them to be special.

We have always had something that we are dong in our spare time. Just something we do.

 

 

In A different place

This was written as a comment on Faith’s blog and it is to unrelated to post there.

It is weird. I love to fly. No responsibility and any failure is not going to be my fault and no one is going to say the plane did not crash. If I am injured no one is going to say I was not.

Often before when I used to end up in the hospital people used to say they were sorry I had to go to the hospital and I would reply if I was in a train wreck you would not be sorry I had to go to a hospital.

I much more now after 7 years trust I the work will get me somewhere that is better. Most of the time.

For me it was for a long time not knowing what the point A or point B was and had to start in the middle.

I do what I call framing when working of memories and once I have a start and end to an event that I can work on it. Over time we have gotten good at knowing we can find two points.

Memory work was not safe for me as a multiple. Not self harm. I could really not know who or where I was. I might not know I could drive or be able to find my car.

Funny story kinda. I went to a conference that I had to go to have money to do the work I needed to do. It was 8 hours long. I could not find my car in the parking garage. I had to wonder around looking for it. At first I did not know what kinda of car I drove to the conference. I finally narrowed it down to the two I currently owned and was pretty sure it was not my motorcycle as I had not helmet.

————-

We are headed to that time of year when this conference happens. We are very very out of it right now. We think we are OK because we have the tanning booth for light.

There has been this conference thing going on. It is in the same city where we went to a hospital that was a bad place for anyone. It in a way mirrored one of the trips to the MKULTRA facility. It is in the dead of the winter and that is not a help. It used to be held somewhere else and we get lost every time we go there as we have a thing where we retrace out route anytime we get lost.

There is one that is out who Kitty (Real cat) does not like. Kitty does not know him is why. We do not recognize him either as he is not as beat up as usual. He and Kitty who he calls the cat are getting to know each other.

We went and made marbles. We cried as we love it there so much. We were alone as we are a monitor and no one was at open studio.

When we were 4 and we think this was the second trip to the MKULTRA facility we came home and my parents had moved. This was really really hard on us. We have a sense we were at another facility when we were three. We are still working that all out.

My parents had a television. Not unlikely from a bonus of us being in the facility.  Matches the way the MKULTA was funded. It was hard on us. We had never seen a television in our house before. The rest of the family had already got used to it. We really really felt more left out than usual.

The first show we saw was Romper Room. We remember the majic mirror. This somehow came up at home depot as I was checking out. We covered by being funny as we know how to do. It was interesting the clerk said thank you in a way that to us meant thank you for being you. I am pretty funny.

The magic mirror was real hard on us. We wanted to see our friends at MKULTRA. Being with Miss Nancy looked pretty go to us also. We thought that was what school would be like for us. Little did we know.

We did stay in normal school in the first grade all the way to OCT. That was pretty good. We got to go home for Christmas. Other children did not.

We marched a lot in MKULTRA. 4 year-old marching. It was so so very very wrong. Not only what happened there but what we missed by being their.

All and all we are well pleased. This is hard. Not as hard as before.

 

What a day

We did the work we posted this morning and got done at 9. We have slept since then and it is 4:00. This is not a normal sleep. It is the sleep of a multiple healing. It is in anticipation that the tanning booth will make a difference. What is going on is many many many of us have slept. I am told 16 of us. As we sleep in groups and some have slept more than once it is pretty important.

We are thinking less and less in terms of how we were when before and less about how we were before in relation to before and thinking more as a multiple healing.

We are aware that we went back to the cellar which is where we were when we were first born after how ever long we spent in the hospital when we were born in the MKULTRA program. We thing the theory of the first month was to keep our body kind in the womb state so we could further  develop. Using academia logic and information at the time this makes sense. As premature babies tend to not do as well as other babies academia would conclude having a baby in womb like conditions longer would be better. And they would assume they could create a womb like experience due to there limits of understanding of the experience. They really do see babies as little adults.  That”s OK I see most academics as childish adults.

So when our limbs were dislocated and we were shipped to the MKULTRA facilities there was a “thawing” our time and it was excruciating. White pain over and over again and passing out from it often.  What ever drugs the gave us to thaw us out at least in there head required that we keep moving as much as possible. They would have someone there picking us up if we dropped and we had to keep moving in the pain. It was a horror.  I remember we could not drink water which is stupid. There were ice baths which were a horror but not as bad as the ice baths used for torture by the cults.

In a way this sleeping on and off by so many of us in one day and then getting to be in the sun (tanning booth) is a recreation of this experience.  That we get to make marbles tomorrow is part of it also.

That is interesting. Usually for some of us the day would now be over.  It is not today.

We think we are doing pretty well. Always good to check. We have the feeling that we are on the cusp of being able to more do things that are more normal. Note: We have a very broad definition of normal. Good news is experience tells us that if we are wrong some will let us know.

We know we need to be careful about protecting therapy. That has been a constant. If we do not do that than it is never good for us. it is a hard dynamic as we can not put pressure on some by protecting therapy. It can not be well this is your chance or this time is yours and it is up to you not to waste it. None of us work well with important things under that pressure.

We have a big change in our schedule and a little one in our life. The open glass studio where we are a monitor has changed days and the students will change. Note: I do not teach I just take care of the studio. We had it set up so we went to open studio and then we started to prepare for therapy the next day. Our reality is that some will think we are going to therapy just because we had open studio. It is something we just have to deal with. Before it could be really crazy and the work of therapy would happen anyway.

Financially we are a mess although not anywhere near the eating dog food place.

Physically we are doing very well for this time of year for us. And well considering what work there is that needs doing.

So that is where we are at and we expect tomorrow to be better with having gone to the tanning booth. We call it the  rotisserie. We really do turn around and around in the booth.

It is funny we are done with some many of the games that we used to play. We have the sense it is not that some that need to play those games are not out and we will need to play them later. We are just done with them.

We went to the rotisserie and it is a good thing for us. We at least for now are going to stay below the tanning level.  We will go depending on how much natural sun we get. We know our body. We are not going to put it off like we did last time. We wanted to do that to get some data.

MKULTRA is hard. Much of the stuff we did there was not traumatic. We learned to fence and stuff. One of the hardest thing is it was all about reacting. We did not have to make and time decisions, or when to eat. It was all controlled.

It a way it was not confusing at all while there.

 

 

 

 

Sun

We are sun deprived.

There is much hope that the tanning booth will make a huge difference. We are going tonight. There is a tad of hitting our head with a hammer as it feels so good when we stop. We could go this morning.

Last night one of us thought “I hope the tanning booth works because if it does not than we will have to be me.” They in that moment understood that if they can hope than they were them even though we were not in total distress yet.

It is very important.

Very little is working right now. Very much our body is not working. We are having trouble eating etc. It has been a gradual decline since last Tues night when we used the tanning booth. There were some bumps up when we did get some sun.

It is very different than the pool or hot tub which is more a way to stay even much of the time. We often go only as it has never been a bad thing.  If the tanning booth is closed for some weird reason say the power goes out it will not be dangerous like when the pool is shut down or filled with idiots.  We would just continue on our gradual decline.

————-

So we wondered why did we never figure out the sun before? We think we know. To think all we had to do was get enough sun would be to have left those from the cellar and closet away forever. We always were trying to find a way for them to be. They did get to be and every time it was a horror for them and for the rest of us. We would go away and thrive which was why we are multiple and then try and find those from the cellar and closet and fail.

—————-

I went to the MKULTRA facility in the desert. I came home to a different house than when I left. My mother had both grandmothers there I suspect as support as she knew where I was going was not a good thing for me.

I went for the one walk I ever went with my mothers mother. We went in the woods behind my house. Just her and me. It was wonderful. These woods were to be the location of may horrors. One was being lost there after some other horror. A rape and an older boy was killed as part of my assassin training.

She said to me that I was going to always work outside as I was like my grandfather. I am not a child abuser and am not like my grandfather. He was more of what most people think of when they thing of sexual child abuser.

We did work outside most of our life.

I went with my other grandmother to hang the wash. She reached down and picked a four leaf clover like it was not rare. She would not let me hold it. I expect she was faking it. Putting two together.

This was how I processed the being in the desert at the time.

Note: These woods were also where I had my first kiss and other good things did happen in these woods. Very very important.

Now we can eat.

We are resistant to getting enough sun now. In a way it has never been a good thing for some of us and we afraid.

There are some that water can not cleanse. They are the ones for living in there own excrement and others. With other babies dying and dead. In the heat of the summer. With maggots sometimes being the only food. With cold water sometimes being thrown on them.

It is important to understand we were not in that place it is where we lived. Trauma is often seen as events.

One would think that when I came out that would be the end of it. I never really knew if it was ended or not. I knew it existed.

I do not think I could survive as now. My body could not take it.

I kinda snuck in about the other baby. A baby that was like me in cage who died while I was there. Can a baby tell and understand such a thing. Yes on their level they understand.

This was repeated with puppies when I was older. This time I could understand on a different level.

This was repeated again when I was 10 with two people that I had worked with as a prostitute and loved deeply.

I can not know why these people did what they did. It feels in a way that they wanted to make me like them and they failed.

—————

There is one who when he is out even Kitty bolts. It is not that he is evil or anything it is just a shock is all. Kitty and he are getting to know each other. Kitty does not come near yet he does not bolt.

—————-

I know now where my many accents come from. It is from the MKULTRA facility. The kids there were from all over. I picked up sayings and accents. It was something to do.  I picked up mannerisms also. Teachers and parents always told me to stop. Some developed into different parts.

———–

Much of MKULTRA was looking for someone special. There were many Irish, Indians and Asians. We were thought to have some sort of sense others did not. Mostly we had imagination.

There is one kid I can almost see in my memory. He was trouble in the games as he was ambidextrous just like me. Going up against someone like that is more than twice as hard. We liked it and so did she. Interesting. We were pretty much unisex at the facilities. Part of there thing. We all looked the same in our hoods.

—————-

It is an interesting dynamic going on right now. We work and remember until it overloads out left brains understanding then stop and let our left brain catch up.

Often the work gets boring. Why do we care about that and such. That there is something right around the corner waiting to drop is kinda gone. Now that we know about the facilities.

It is kind like thinking  about college. I do not think of everyone or every class.

Another dynamic is the OH that explains it thing. We have been to 7 different colleges and universities. Why? trying to find those from MKULTRA.

Those from MKULTRA WILL NOT integrate until the one from before them do. We asked long ago and they told us NO.

I am so done with people who I think hide what they do not know to begin with.

———-

As I dummy up less and less I am finding many people who know me choose not to be with me. Good news is I am finding many other people who do. Not better people or more enlightened people.  Just people I want to be with me. It has been my experience the more enlightenment a person tells me they are the less enlightened they appear to me.

Enlightened to me seems to be just be about being able to be excited about life and wanting to share that excitement.

I had another drama in blogland. This one I did not even know was going on as it meant not much to me. There is a common thread to every drama I have in blogland.   Same as in real life. When people tell me about me in a way that is instructional  I react. I react differently now in that I am bored with probing them wrong. I simply state I do not accept their belief they know about anything but themselves.

I understand that I am passionate about some things and it is not with out purpose. It is mostly about delusions. Or what I see as delusions.  One of them being that all trauma is the same the effect is known and predictable and the path to healing will be the same without any drastic differences.

I am past for me where those that believe this to be true are in my way.  Why I am still passionate is I believe that others are still in the way. It is hard as they seem to be confident they are not.

Good mornings work and it is only 9. Just knowing that we may be able to have the sun effect from the tanning booth was a big part of it.

 

 

Amazing

This has happened time and time again it still amazes us. We are not tired. We intellectually and from past experience try and take a nap. We did it today and we really thought we were not tired. We slept soundly for 2.5 hours straight.

 

Childish Vs Childlike

I forgot. The photo in the last post are of my marbles. I made all but two of them which my instructor made.

It is childish to think that because you have a name for something that others understand that you have understanding. This is pervasive and where most peoples understanding ends which is fine. What  I did not understand is it is assumed my understanding stops at the same place.

This is not knowledge. I know Phd’s who can only name and identify. Most of them in fact.

I do not know how I missed this.

I find now when I say I do not understand … or what I do not get is …. People tell me what I really knew when I was 10 at the latest. I am serious.

—————-

So we are not doing that well on the one hand and on the other are stoked. We will be doing much better once we can get some sun.

Our reptilian brain told us that we needed to get to some sun. That is where the Ecuador thing came from. Our reptilian brain does not say I told you so. We did not get enough sun and our reptilian brain accepts this and tells us what can be done now.  Which is different than what it told us months ago and even yesterday. This is where much of our  inconstancy come from. We really are consistent. It is observed we are not. Our body is not telling us the same thing it would if we had different experiences.

It is still well we will see if we  are correct. We are pretty sure.

We can not go to the tanning booth as we are still burned just a tad. Maybe tomorrow. There is not sun out today.  Maybe this afternoon.

—————-

This is by far the easiest winter we have had since we started therapy in 1995. There are many reasons. Actually I can not say that and I do not want to take the effort to remember. It is the best one in the last 7 years is close enough.

So much so that even if the rest of the winter goes to hell. It will still be better.

Pretty much right now we can not do much of anything as we are sun deprived. We think in a way know that we know what it is we use up even more of our sun energy. Just because we can.

————-

Stan the man is another name from the MKULTRA Marine camp.

Yesterday we recounted how Earl the Pearl kept us out of the tent “Queers in Here’ and saved us. He was saving us for himself. He was not sadistic and so it is different for us. He is really messed up in the head. Not as bad as many others we knew. This is not excusing him or others like him. We have to deal with our reality.

———–

We went to the pool and we knew we could not quite get into it. Even our handstands were off. We were going to do what we usually do and come into it. Then we knew we were sun deprived and that was the reason we could not get into it. So to come into it would make coming back from being sun deprived harder.

All and all we are well pleased and see the losses we are experiencing now more temporary and temporal in a different way.

We are most glad we did not buy into the shit that this to shall pass and it was not a temporary problem.  If we have and we think we have solved this and made it so it to shall pass and is temporary than almost everyone else was WRONG. We are glad we dare to think in black and white when things are black and white.

We were all about this was all about sleep. It used to be and that is how we discovered what the sun means to us.

This work has always been a choice for us. We are multiple. We can cope and we can do well. I am not sure we could have taken off and been OK unless we took of to somewhere there was sun.

To be clear we lived in Fla for three years and worked outside most of the time.  We worked in an office for about three months then quit. We were no OK in Fla. We were just so much better off we did not know how screwed up life was. Actually the sun really helped us fake it better.

—————-

We get more now that inarticulate language is a way that people are dishonest and sometimes controlling. We thought they were just stupid. There is a lot of that. We are just starting to understand people also use inarticulate listening and reading for the same purpose.

We are really starting to live all we have to do is be clear if we are not understood.

We are really starting to live we want to stay away from most people. And many people in certain situations.

All and all we are well pleased. It feels like we have a handle on things and it is only 3 1/2 days since therapy. Smile.

MKULTRA

Hard work this.

I want to be clear the people that ran MKULTRA are still out there meaning I could go to current hospitals and put together Dr ect that would do this work.

At the facilities you have nothing. Nothing is yours. You do not sleep in the same place of the same bed. You might to to where you eat and there would be food there and nobody eats. Or it might just be you that does not eat. You might be asleep and you all are woken up to stand or one of you might stand. Etc.

I did things. I would try and keep track of a grain of sand. When it got lost or I swallowed  it in my sleep I would plan on getting another. Once I did I would compare it to the other grains of sand. I would look for the same one that I lost. A injury was good. It was yours. Over all being in pain not so much. A scratch was better than an injury. A injury someone could see was the best. If you were seriously hurt than you went away.

We used to stay underwater and when we came up I would be hit in the head with a stick. Or maybe not.

You do pick up patterns which is not helpful now. You know who is hung over ect. You know who likes to hurt children. You can tell when something is up at the facility and it is never good.

These were government types and educators. It was really all about them. The being strapped to the front of a car on a platform and the car was fast was really the assholes playing. They got to drive a fast car on a runway where there was not risk to them.

The reason we never knew were we were was their fear. They knew what they were doing was wrong and we were as a group dangerous children. We were always under guard.

We used to have to run scenarios and I came up with rush the guards. That did not go over well. Kinda like assassination it is only OK if it is someone else.

There were lots of wash outs. Some seemed to stay there all the time. Probably orphans to be shipped to the cults. The cults killed two that I know of.

If there was nothing happening you ran in place ect.

I still liked it there. I do not know where the children went that washed out.  My reptilian brain knew where I was was a lot better than where I had been. There is a think that happens where you are so in distress that you can not see the possibility of anywhere better. Then if you do you know you are screwed if you try.

—————

Skip to Marine camp. Queers in Here. We had obviously been exhausted with purpose. They did this in teams as the Marines could not keep up. We were given a choice. Go into the tent and rest “Queers go Here” of for a little moonlight run. Earl the Pearl who was in instructor gave me a look that told me not to go in that tent. We never went for the run by the way. It was a way to weed out. We have a sense this weeding out was done by numbers in that so many had to go.

———–

Once every few years I really want a baloney sandwich and chocolaty milk. This is from the Marine camp.

—————

So yesterday we slept from 3 pm to 7 pm then got up and worked on a mandala till midnight. That is what we would tell the world. This is what happened. Some of us went to sleep and other got up while others slept and we worked on the Mandela. We expect this is on the wane as we know it happened. There is not lost time. Some are sleeping.

Now when one of you is sleeping you do not want anything to happen where the others wake up. That would not be the way we treat each other.

So the ones did the mandala and then went to sleep others were awake and they did not see the point of doing any of this as they have nothing. It was pretty rough.

We did notice that right now we have no marbles in our pocket. They are outside as we want to take  some photos in the snow. The way it works is those that can take those photos are not out and about. Before it could be they come out and about next spring and wonder why there is not snow.

The sun is out which for us is a good thing. We were jut about out of sun energy. We are still a little burned and can not go back to the booth. We know it is important for us to go at night.

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The ones from MKULTRA do not see any future for them. We have learned they need to stay with that feeling. We were a kid. We did not yet understand how fucked up people are. We thought we would be doing good in the world and we thought that the military had an honor which they do not. We kinda picked up that some who had seen combat had a totally different attitude.  Less bullshit.

You have to remember this was in the 50′s and early 60′s. If I had a hammer was a protest song and banned. The US had not been on the losing side since unconditionally surrendering to the Indian Nation. I think it is important that the US was losing to the children of Vietnam. There seemed to be a change when that was known.

We do not have the order that we need to all of this. It is like different lifes for us. We do think we will get the order although sometimes it seems not possible. Pretty much we want our own narrative.

We can speak of many of these things calmly now.

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It is huge for us that no matter where we went we were seen as going to be successful. It happens now with the healing. We were made so many promises. My parents were promised that if I went through this program I would have a great life. To them this meant money for them. This has been articulated my whole life.

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Part of my parents narrative is how hard they had it and how easy I had it. Over and over and over I had to listen to this. Much of the time because I was worn out from all the horror.  They seemed to pick up on that I really did not need a lot to do well at most things. Pretty much they were really fucked up.

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Hard as it is to believe MKULTRA at the facilities was a good learning environment. Much better than public schools. We had food most of the time and there was nothing else to do. One of the problems is the teaching was incomplete. I was trained to take short hand. I never got to practice just copy the symbols down and it was supposed to come to me.

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When I was 14 we moved. I was living in two towns for a while. One on the week-ends and the other during the week. Traveling to a new town and then to the town where much of this all happened. I had to work all week-end and try and adjust to a new school. Then the next summer was spent in a different town during the week. That summer was good for me. My father was not around and I got to swim and play golf as I had my own money.

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Last night someone e-mailed me who I love very much. In that moment I was not excited about seeing them. That is OK. What is not is that is a total different person. It is not that is the way they are rather when we are that way I am them. Not a good job.

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We had natural sun today and that is much more better. Talked to someone and they said that tanning can be addictive. I can see that.

We are getting a lot of stuff. We have known that we do not eat chocolate and yet we sometimes do. Some times we crave it. The ones from the Marine MKULTRA camp ate k-rations.

We think we might be tired and not know it.

Hard work this.

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