Archive for October, 2015

Big Part of all this

October 24, 2015

Pretty much we have been working on the loss of our twin sister for the last 10 months. We could not get to it with winter interrupting the work. We just did not have enough sun energy. It is October and we have got sun deprived a few times and it has been an easy recover comparatively.

We know what happened now. My twin sister was going to be sold and the couple who knew her came to visit as they wanted to meet me. I was our of the cage for a bit and cleaned up. The couple came and we all went outside. The heat and the sun caused me to go into convulsions. Page the girl who did what taking care of me was done in the cage and my twin sister came to my rescue. I snapped out of it and the three of us just acted like nothing happened. We were used to horrible things. The couple saw how much we all loved each other and could not break us up. I was blamed and the witch who was pages mother blamed me and likely resented the love the three of us had. The witch was also trying to get Page to be like her. Page was not like here and was killed later because of it. So the witch did everything she could to destroy me. It was horrific. She knew what hurt and that was for me to have to hurt my sister. I would be given task like moving rocks with no food and water and then fail. I was then to hit my sister.  I did sometimes mostly I just fainted. Then I had water thrown on me. The witch was relentless and really knew how to fuck with my head. I was 3 and a half.

My sister and I were in the cages and left there for days with no food or water. In the late fall the cellar flooded and my sister died as her cage fell into the cold water. I almost died and for some reason was taken to the hospital. It was thought that I had some spiritual power as I did not die and I could still communicate with my dead sister. It was a long winter. I was back in the cage and almost died of grieve. A child was put in the cage beside me to keep me from dying. I used to sneak out in the sun and got caught. My brother and I were tied to stakes in the sun. My brother who was black died and I almost did.

Another child was put in the cage beside me. These people saw me as having some sort of power. Reality is I just had the capacity for love. He was killed in a ceremony. Then there was Vicky who did much of the MKULKTRA stuff.  I was shipped to a different county in a crate I think after being put in a diabetic coma. I know I was on ice. I almost died again and one of the psychiatrists took me to his house and I lived with the family and recovered.

Knowing all this and having a narrative is a life changer. That is why I am writing. I have been sick for 10 months and now am starting to feel better. It has been a rough time.

The multiplicity is working itself out.  I have been writing to my therapist. See her was just to much to do this work. I am seeing her again and actually look forward to it rather than just know I need to do the work.

Pretty much this ends my work here as far as I know. I am 60 years old now by the way. I hope someone reads this and keeps doing the work that is so hard.

We have more work to do. It is nothing like before.

Journey on,


Still going

October 13, 2015

I am still doing the work.  Grieving the loss of my twin sister seems to be at the core of my work. Makes sense it was the fist person killed that I loved.  I was three.

I am kinda in therapy in that I write my therapist all the time. I have not been seeing her. I see her tomorrow at 11. The last time we went to see our therapist we felt better afterwards. That is new. We felt lots of things. Better was not one of them.

We have been and are sick since we saw her. Guessing three weeks.

We want to see our therapist in a new way. That is new.

I would say we are excited to see her. The thing is that some of us might be thinking we are going to see our sister. Nothing for it.



October 3, 2015

i went to South America last winter to have sun for a whole year. This summer has bee the worst summer of recent memory. We have done next to nothing fun and there is no one knew in our life. We have not been able to even swim. We have been ill most of the summer.

The reason is we have been grieving the loss of out twin sister.  It is the first loss of out life that we knew was a loss. She drowned in the cellar we lived in and I did not. it flooded in a fall rain.

All the other trauma was on top of this loss.

Pretty much we have been sick for most of the last 9 months. We think it is that we were sick with grief. We have been horribly sick the last three days and somehow are optimistic.