Archive for June, 2012


June 29, 2012

We still are not into blogging. That may change. We have decided to keep our hands in and blog of Friday. We are not sure of the day that comes from we always did things on Friday. Friday was out day to disbar attorneys and such.

We did notice that 31 women in the air force training have come forward with allegations including rape. With no disrespect to those women it does point out that it is not likly a child will tell. That being said I do wonder if it is not that the child lacks the courage to tell rather the person hearing lack the courage to step up.

I know lots of people with PTSD. I know them so well I know the times of year they get sick. I wonder how much of the common cold is really from trauma. Thing is all Dr’s will give and explanation.  Fibro has a cause and it is trauma.

We were sicker than we knew with the bronchitis. We call tell as we are getting stronger. I do think it was tied into the trauma. Specifically when I came our the the drugs used to put me in a coma to ship me in a box. There were other times like when I was left out in the snow naked and they thought I was dead. This was not good as they thought I came back from the dead and lead to me being seen as special an indigo child.

It does not seem to matter now as much why specifically we have issues with something. We think it may be the way we stayed away from certain things to make it manageable.

There is no issue with our not seeing our therapist for so long. That is not just something we experience. Therapy does in a way slow down the processing.

The past lives thing is really a pain. We do not understand why that happens and what the purpose is.

There are some of us that are “normal” they have been out and about and it is very weird now to watch them. They seem pretty clever.

All and all we are OK with the way it is going. It is still hard. It is not hard to take other than how much effort it takes.

There was a line from a person who was sexually abused by a priest and he beat the priest up. “If I wanted to kill him he would be dead.” People do not understand that is not false bravo for some of us.

That is it for now.

Good Trip

June 27, 2012




The above was taken on my trip.

I at least for now am not really into blogging. It may pass. I am very lucky and can write to my therapist when ever I want. One use of this blog is to stay away from the work. Saying Page was tortured to death here is different than when I write to my therapist. Part of it is she has the context so it is less writing.

I did not miss the blogging on the trip at all and that is part of it.

Part of it is things are now more specific and there is a privacy thing of those people in my life now.


The Other Life

June 20, 2012

The time I spent in what ever country being taken care of for the first time in my life is a huge part of my life. It is different that other experiences in that the people in my life at that time were not about hurting me. They wanted nothing from me but for me to get over the effects of being shipped and be me. They had no agenda.

It is very hard to deal with and not in the norm of my childhood.

We are very prepared for out trip and coming back. We will have clean sheets when we come back.

We are not worried about coming back which we are going to look at this morning in that maybe we should be.

During this time with this family in that neighborhood much change happened. I as a child I am guessing about 4 I felt like I belonged and had no idea it was going to end. As a child I knew this was the way life was supposed to be. That I went from there to a MKULTA facility being shipped again makes it even harder to deal with.

We really have no hope right now of figuring it out and having it in our past. In a real way we do not want it to be in our past. We really thought for that time with this family that we had it figured out and we really still think that is where we belong.  Part of it was we were able to imagine. We really thought that now Page and Jimmy would not be dead.

We learned many things there about how to deal with people. We learned not to be sad as it made other people sad. Better to be sad alone. We really thought it was not fate and that we just belonged there. We felt we were there from something we did and when it was gone we thought the same thing.


We have decided

June 19, 2012

We have decided the most important thing we can do for out healing right now is to stop smoking. It is going to be our number one focus. The healing from trauma is not going to be our focus.

Smoking has been a huge part of our life. We did not start until we were 19.  Each time we quit the PTSD symptoms increased. It in reality is why we entered treatment. We quit for a a few years. When we started again was when we went back to therapy. We quit when on medication.

We do no know how much damage if any we have done and if it is reversible. We have noticed we avoid heavy exercise as it distresses us. It may be from lack of oxygen. Although we swim and such it is a very slow swim. We can hold our breath underwater longer than most people. We can swim underwater longer than some including yoga teachers. It may just be technique. We are hoping it is chronic bronchitis.

We do not want at all to be like the rest in my family that have quit smoking. They pretty much are more miserable now that they have stopped.

To accomplish this we need less stress. Things are in a place where that is possible. We will have total support from our daughters. We will have total support from our therapist. We really do not care about anyone else as they believe they know what we are going through. It will not be the same for us as we are multiple and PTSD.

We are not going to go with any conventional programs. We are going to design our own. We are not going with we have damaged our lungs. We understand that we may have. We understand it is possible we have not. The smoking is our risk factor. We have no known gentic history. We have always been active and we hope that helps. We will accept it if we have damaged out lungs. We will not accept that we have.

it is not about living longer. We really do not care. It is about quality of life.

We are not going to get fat. That would not be good. We do not accept that we will always be addicted. They told that to us about drinking and that was proved false.

We are not going to use up all our energy on preparing to quit. We are not gong to wear outselves out making the leap. We are going to use this trip to Chicago to get used to the idea that we are going to not smoke.

We are using the model of it is about changing our body. Our brain is gong to change.

Everything is pretty much right for us to quit.

We are not going with getting all excited about how great it will be to have quit. That will come when we have quit.

There are things we want to do. One of them is to color in one of our cards. One for out therapist, one for each of out daughters. We need to go to the good-bye place.

First we need to do the alone part. We will know when we are ready to send the cards. We may bring some colored pencils to Chicago.

So these posts are gong to be a lot about complaining and whining once we start not smoking.

We do want to get down to 11 cigarettes a day comfortably. We read somewhere that is the point where the body is using all the nicotine.

We are scared. We are scared that our CFS is really damage we have done to out lungs. The only way to know is to stop smoking. It will be hard to take if we can not climb the mountain anymore. We did “make” it last year. It was a struggle.

We just do not want to get to excited and have to deal with the let down if we have irreversibly  damaged our lungs. Not everyone does. There is much negativity about smoking that is justified. It is taken to extremes. If you have never smoked the chances of me dying from lung cancer over all is 20% greater for me. Sorry. As I have been a runner and always exercised, have no heredity  indicators and am not over weight my chances may be less than you. Sorry that is the way it is.



Dear Therapist

June 19, 2012

Just because you can not understand does not mean I am not making sense. I am Ok with that you lack the experiences to understand. Are you. If not you are in my way of understanding that which can be understood.

Limiting me to what you can understand is limiting. This is not about you or your knowledge. It is about my discovery.

It is helpful that sometimes what you have learned and what others you have worked with have taught you and it resonates with me. Only sometimes.

It is odd that some people believe they know more about a person than the person does themselves. I do wonder if those people who so believe are afraid to know of themselves that which no one else does.

Dear Therapist

June 19, 2012

How my body is the same as most people is not as important as how it is different.

Dear Therapist

June 19, 2012

I do not need you to explain me to me I need you to let me explain me to you.


Temporarily Fading Away

June 19, 2012

Some are fading away temporarily so that we can go on our trip to Chicago. We have all including them done what can be done to make this fading away as best as possible.

They are not really away rather faded away. What we need to do is not cause them to think it is anything but temporary. What is most important is we do not give them cause to believe we will not set up a life where they are left out again. They will know if we start to do so. Being faded is much like being tired only with no rest.

Now knowing that they are faded rather than the abrupt sending away and slog for them to get back may mean they do not go away at all. No way of telling.

We are pretty much on our way to Chicago even though we do not leave for a couple days. We are also pretty much coming back from Chicago.


June 18, 2012

Two of us were doing a painting. One the top and one the bottom as they were different sizes. The painting then crumpled. Think plastic in heat. Plastic wrap. All that was left was some colors kinda like water colors. That is all I know.

We are very prepared to go to Chicago. We are even prepared for when we get back. This is the way we used to be. We have not been so in a while. We actually have time on our hands. That has not happened in years. Time on our hands in a very liberal sense.

Just a note. We would not read what we write about our life and find it credible.  We are not making it up that does not mean it is credible. If we thought it was creditable  than we would be insane. Knowing it from our stand point it is credible. That being said we do not embellish at all.  It would just make things to complicated.

It is hard with only the writing to express. We do take things to extremes as a way to study. We do that knowingly and do not do so on this blog.

I guess what I am writing is if you knew me you would know I am not crazy. I went to England and lived with 5 other guys and we hung out with about 25 other people male and female. When I left I asked them if they thought I was mentally ill. I was careful to look for honesty. They said no. I did the same thing in a class and it was acknowledged that I could think differently. It was interesting and helpful to know I could think differently and it does not mean I always do.

Pretty much we have a day and a half where or focus can be on having things around here in better shape than the have been. Way way cool. We are not doing damage control or triage.

This is very very hard.

June 18, 2012

What happened was when I came off the plane and was brought out of the coma or what ever they did back then I almost died. The house I stayed at was the Dr’s house. Guessing he had quilt. Not enough not to be part of what ever they did before I was on the ship. I did have a sense he was conflicted. Must have been hard for him t0 risk killing his sons friend.