Archive for November, 2013

OK

November 30, 2013

We woke up to a cold room. It was not freezing. The pilot  light had gone out in our furnace. It is nerve wracking to relight the burner. Could not find the BBQ  lighter had to go buy one. We were able to get the furnace going. It is 8 degrees out right now. What happened is the cold evaporated all the propane and so the pilot light went out. That happens when the tank is almost full.

We do have high hopes that when we move downstairs we will save a lot of fuel. Right now the air that is heated is drawn from a cold part of the house. When we moved into one room we were in the middle of processing horror and did not think if that.  We this past year came more to grips with how hard this all is and how much it wears out our brain. In part this is our scale. No one is getting tortured to death now are they. We should be able to handle this. Thing is we do handle it. It is hard and relentless.

So we on a new level understood that the problem was not being able to process. In a way we knew earlier. The pros have no concept of how hard it is to process. They at best think it is about the horror. The horror is harder do deal with due to the effects of bringing the memories into consciousness.

So we knew the problem was not being able to process earlier this was possible as there is less to process. There is a little we are used to it. That does not help that much.  Just as being tortured helps you to resist torture the benefit is limited and you still have the effect of being tortured.

The one who does not speak was out and about last night.  When he has been out before it is crash time most likely. We can usually go three days with out speaking with no problems. After that we crash. This is different in part as the 57 are out and about and understand on a new level.

We just made a call and got a guy working on the telephone lines. We asked him if it was warm. He laughed. We get energy from making people smile and laugh.

So we did not sleep that well as having the one that does not speak out like that was different. We think it will be a good thing. The one that does not speak goes with the inbetweener. They are both dragons.

So with the memories stored behind the guardrail in the map in our mind we started to work on other things. There is a block on how we got to and from one of the MKUTRA schools. Pretty much those there were out there are kinda locked into that transportation. We expect it because we left from where my parents lived. It was impossible to live that my parents were as knowledgeable as they were. It would have been dangerous.

So we have spent the morning working on the furnace. As a multiple that can be an issue as some have no idea that was done. This is not consistent in that sometimes they would know and sometimes they would not. It is different than knowing the problem is we can not process. None of us knew that as specific as we do now.  Some knew something was wrong there was no way to articulate it. We get more now that it is kinda natural when you can not articulate to listen to any explanation. Hard when all we deal with is not explainable.  Well it can be explained and the explanations go back and forth. It seems right now the pros are moving away from dissociation and back to the attachment thing as the new way to be wrong even though it is not really new it is just new to the younger pros.

We are going for a walk in the sun. This to is new. Before we would have kept at the moving down stairs. Actually if it going to be sunny tomorrow that is what we are going to do. Just checked no sun tomorrow. We are going for a walk now. It is 19 degrees with no wind so we do not have to dress that warm.

We are doing the moving downstairs much different. We like to plan everything out including a time schedule. That is not best right now. We are at the point where what needs to be done is intrinsically known. By staying away from a schedule we are more aware of things like the sun.

Over all we are looking forward to being downstairs now. The biggie is if we will have internet. If not that will suck and we may have to do a work around. We could leave the PC in this room and build a small room. We might have to set up wifi and use our phone that way.

We think it will be Ok but that is based on just looking at the bars on our phone. Not real hard data. We expect that we will go for a walk and then need to sleep. This is where the getting dark really effects us.  Depending on how much we sleep we will have only and hour or two of daylight to do the work down stairs. Much of the work is construction of sorts so we need to be able to go outside.

We seem to understand on a new level about therapy. There are two choices. Knock out the moving downstairs and be worn out for therapy so some can not do their work or go slow with the moving downstairs so we will be in the middle of that and they can not do their work. We are not spending anytime anymore thinking about canceling as it is worth going to therapy so some can get a hug. We also do not worry about not going to Zumbamat. Even if therapy might be more effective in the short term. It does not work out in the long run.  Zumbamat and therapy work out well as far as the rest of the holidays. We should only miss one session of therapy and that can be a good thing.

As long as nothing major happens we have a good shot at doing a lot of healing this winter. It does depend on if we are right about the money. We think we can get by as long as we do not eat in restaurants.

OK we are back from our walk. We learned some things. First if we do not get sun deprived it does not take that much to keep us steady. Second you can get sun energy with out the sun on your skin. We kinda learned this in the lake. ?When we swam in the evenings and mornings  we would notice that we would gravitate to the water that had been in the sun. We would swim out in the middle of the lake with out noticing depending on the sun. We also noticed that for no good reason people swim on the side of the lake that gets the most sun. We understood that the sun energy was stored in the water.  In a weird one the sun energy is released when rain is hitting the surface of the lake.

When we walk we can tell where the sun just was if the sun is setting even if we are in the shade.  We are not sure about how the wind effects the sun energy available. I may just be it is harder for the body to absorb the sun energy when the wind is blowing. We do know that it was 18 degrees today and it was easy to get sun energy. It of course could just be where we are at with things.

This all could be that our body has just adjusted to not having as much sun. The only test for that would be to go where it is sunny for two weeks.

So we are going to sleep now. We do not want to go to sleep with a plan for when we get up. That seems to prevent some from sleeping.

 

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OK we are having a break through. We can tell as it is so hard and we hate it so much. It is about that now everything is related to healing. It always has been this is on a different level. It is about what is needed is known as much as it ever will be. It is less some guess what should be done and others go do it and then see if it works. We still have no idea what will and what will not work as healing is not that simplistic. It is born of knowing that we are upset as we know what to so to heal and can not do it. That kinda gives us a angry body. If we go do something that is known to be directly related than the anger goes away. This is how we have always lived.

Now here is the really weird part. Part of this change is from learning a song and almost learning the dance. When we sing the song it is so obvious to us that out mind is going in many directions. It is not a matter of concentration.

We have the curt ants done. We figured out the heat. There is a switch downstairs which shuts off the blower fan on the furnace. I was told about this switch by the guy who worked on my furnace. The switch makes no sense. It shuts off the fan but the furnace keeps calling for heat. I think it might have been to un-thaw the pipes. Anyway when moving stuff around we hit the switch. That caused the pilot light to go out. Why I do not kn0w. As far as I know we are now all set.

We are done working downstairs for the night. Could be we can move downstairs tomorrow. We are not making it a goal.

In the video of the dance we can see one place where we go away. Seeing it helps a lot.

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We finished up some paperwork on a site. It is new that we can do that after doing something totally different today. In this moment we are far away from the rest of them and it seems impossible that they will be able to be ever again. We intellectually know they will. It seems crazy to those that are out and about. That we might sing or even bring the dragon to therapy is out of this worlds to us.

 

 

 

 

 

Those of us that know how to heal

November 29, 2013

It seems there are those of us that know how to heal.  We do not know how they know. A best we can figure they healed a little bit at some time. When they express they are told NO by the world and that includes most trauma experts. There for we do not let them go with people as they have always been hurt by all of them. There are some things you can not do alone. Now some go with out therapist. Thing is the 57 have a hard time creating a situation where they can be with our therapist and then dealing with what ever happens which is always unknown.

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We have morphed into a different sleep pattern. We go to bed about 9 or 10 and then wake up at about 7:00. We are not sleeping all of that time and some are trying to do work. This is what we think happened before if we were not physically exhausted our whole life.  It has to do with the winter. We due to the sun morph into this new sleeping pattern after fighting the setting the clock back thing. At some point we start our nocturnal driving which used to be wandering around outside on foot.  We do not feel the cold well so we might walk out in our night gown and in our bare feet.

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So the rest of the day which includes two hours of sunlight. We are going to do stuff outside. We need to take or kayak off. All the water is frozen. We checked. It is possible that the water will open up again before it freezes for the winter. It is not uncommon to have open water in Dec. We can just throw out kayak on the trailer if we get to go.

Note: The wandering in our night gown is totally new and is the start of processing as we can not do other processing. Those that know how to heal will keep trying even if they fail.

So if something does not happen we will be again driving around at night which is not safe as sooner or later we will be stopped by the police and arrested as it is not accepted to just drive around in the middle of the night and we will be to out of it to defend ourselves.  We got away with it many times and we would be pushing out luck. When we move down stairs it will be harder for some of us to keep us from wandering off. Some of it will just be it is new. There is the fact that if we have to walk down the stairs this gives us time to come to enough to not go wandering. This was the time we wandered out a 2.5 story window and ended up landing flat on our stomach. Thing is we are not worried about any of this when it is happening.

When we wander far it is a progressive thing.  We go further and further and get tireder and tireder and it goes on until we crash.

What we have done the last few years is wander to the pool and go swimming twice a day. We can not do that this year as we can not afford the drive.

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We know there is more memory work to do. We expect it is a horror and someone was killed. We knew about three weeks ago. We have not worked on that and been doing clean up. If you remember we had a water dream and there was a faucet involved. You may remember that we saw a switch of sorts in our mind and were going to make it in therapy and then did not as it was not possible.

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To get to memories and only get to one block of them we sometimes have drawn a map. This can be in our head, verbally describing things or actually using writing implements. About two weeks ago laying in bed we started to draw a map.

(Note this map can be simple and does not take any drawing ability. We can draw a line and say this is the road that goes to where we lived in the winter.)

These maps do not always come clear to us. It is all varied. We might think we have the whole map and there will be a building missing. We might have the map in the wrong town. Often the map is reversed and this is a brain thing.

When working with this map thing we tend to map all around a place. A kinda get everything that is not it in place.  When we are not able to the simple line thing the map keeps getting drawn. That is processing interrupted it is never our choice it is the outside situation and always has been. No blame accepted fro not processing. As far as pacing we do have to accept some blame or it is impossible to deal with those at the hospital.

We were told three weeks ago that we had to go to the hospital once more. This does not really mean we have to go it is expressing there is work ahead that likely will lead to exhaustion. I am told right now that is not correct. Which means if something does not happen to change things we will need to go to the hospital once more. It is a long long long time off.

This is the time of year about 12 years ago that memories started to come into our consciousness.

So we have a map going on in our head and it is pretty clear at this point. The map is incredibly accurate after a while. Drawn in our head from our photo graphic memory. How accurate? We can pick up bad intersections and know why they ended up that way as we can see the elevations, soils and ledges. We can see where the plow had at one time gouged the pavement. This goes back to when we were 4 our 5 and if we are on our nocturnal drives if we come to a place where a house has been modified or the road rerouted we freak out. If a field was put in or trees have grown that is not an issue.For some reason it is only about man made things.

This is all about containment. In a way the memory is circled by the memories that are in our consciousness, the normal ones or the ones about normal things.

Where this memory is is 0n a state road. We can tell by the way it is constructed. It heads north to south and this memory is in a section about 800 yard right now. It is on the west side and we know the river is out there about a 1/4 mile. We see a guard rail and that does not make any sense as it is not a state guardrail it is a city guard rail that is 40 miles from there and was in the street where my family lived until I was three. It is the same street that my therapist  has her office and house now.  Which we will be going to on Tues which is 5 days from now.

There is also a white picket fence on the other side of the road that is not really there. We knew a young girl that lived there. We were 10 an she was 18.  Up the road is where a girl lived that we dated. Down the road is a shack where we were a prostitute sometimes. That is new.

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So the above all 1200 words is about containment and getting ready to process. Before it was not possible to write all of this and it would not be about containment it would be going totally insane to try and deal with it. It may be that we have done lots of work on this and this is more clean up.

It seems odd that this one street would be the place of so much abuse. It makes sense as it is the old part of town. This type of abuse is done by people that have a lot of money and on this street is where they lived.  This part of the state was heavily influenced by the Masons. Which was more of a political party than it is now. They would claim not to be political. The town was Republican to the max as it was old money.

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There is much made by the pros and regurgitated by those who think they are healing and or healed about when you are ready. We were ready to be held and protected right after the trauma. Until we knew that was not best. We are ready right now to do this part of the processing. We can not as our situation does not allow it. We have to spend our time and energy that could be used for processing to contain.  It is hard to contain and crazy making. If we are not careful or it just goes on to long we will start doing things like getting out of or car with in still in gear. The pros who fail and helping to heal love that sort of thing. They can yap about that and not have to deal with any sharing of experiences.

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So the above is gone to us now. We only know a little bit about it. That does not mean there is no effect of not being able to process. The effect is great in the now. It has to be overcome and there is much anger that we have to do that. We have an angry body. Not at us as the stupid simple explanation of anger turned inwards. “The simplest explanation will be accepted by the largest number of idiots.” Michael

Now we are beyond excellent at turning anger into something positive. It is one of the flaws we have to deal with all the time. We get angry and start to think the solution is what most people assume it is. We can not express thing anger and have it done with as we have not processed the cause. It is not possible.

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It is much different now. The 57 understand through integration and melding on a much different level.

So all problems in the now will be related to not being able to bring memories into our consciousness until we create a situation where we can process. The problems that will be in the now after bringing the memories into consciousness and will be effected by how difficult it was to create a situation where we can bring the memories into consciousness.  Then and only then will the problems in the now be caused by the effects of processing the memories. We will then need to grieve our loss. There can be no relief until we grieve. 

The reality is this is now pretty simple compared to before. 

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We have slept. Reality is if we eat we sleep. If we sleep we heal and that makes us tired and we need to eat and sleep. Not sure we slept about 13 of the last 20. It looks like right now that is what we are going to do for the next four or 5 months. Unless we get the ski area job and then we will do that and sleep and eat in the summer. That kinda makes it better if we do not get the ski job. This is hard on all levels.  If we get the ski lift job we will still do the sleep and eat thing. It will have to be about totally getting in better physical and financial shape to heal. It will be hard to know that we need to spend next summer again healing. Nothing for it.

We of coarse will do things to keep in the game of life. The past year we did the swimming, the kayaking, a little rowing, the Zumba and the dance. We should be able to do all that and more and still make a living. Trauma made it so that is not best.

In a way this is easy. We do not have a lot of choices.

In a way this is the same place we were in last year when we were trying to get to Ecuador. Thing is we were able to do that. We knew we needed to eat and sleep which is what we did in Ecuador. We really thought that if we had a month of rest we would be in much better shape and we were. That meant more processing.

Reality is taking care of our body the conventional way when we were PTS lead to agitation or an attempt to find a way to heal.

Our reality is the move down stairs is not temporary. It is unlikely that we will move upstairs in the summer as that would take time away from either making money or healing. It is unlikely that we would choose to move upstairs in the winter and spend the money to heat the house when we could go to Ecuador for a month for that amount of money.

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We did some work outside. Noticed we were in the shade and went for a walk in the sun. We have out kayaks put away for the year and am working on the racks. Our hands are cold so we came in to type. We do not have to go slow with putting the kayaks away as we have done it enough so we all know what is happening.  Racks and kayaks are all away for the winter. It feels good to have that done. We do not need to grieve the paddling stopping like we do the swimming. Lest not anymore.

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We are able to work on stuff in the evening now. This is new for years we were so worn out or sun deprived it was not possible. We have to pick and chose and go slow. We cleaned out the chest of draws  that we are gong to use for our clothes downstairs. That sort of thing was always hard for us unless we went on a tear. That makes sense. Throwing away things activated loss. The risk of finding something that we had not idea how it got there was hard and is gone. It is a memory thing. Pretty much it is safe now to activate out ability to remember. We still have a reaction to things it is just calmer. We might see our camera that is not dead and think of going to England. We think of our mates there and smile. We remember that we went there to get off the medication and we were told there was a 80% chance that we would die and were Ok with that.  Kinda normal and as normal as it is going to get.

Any organization would start processing and we had to fight it off.

Right now we know nothing about the memories t0 be processed. Not dissociation. We will be reminded and often about the guard rail. Right now we have no idea how we get at memories. We learned this and it helps a lot; an artist who is starting a piece has no idea how they are going to do it and feel like they will not be able to. If they do not get past that than it is stage fright or writers block. It is the same with processing memories.

So there is not anything we can do efficiently with the moving down stairs as it is dark.  We could keep going. It would be a misuse of energy. We are going to take a break and think. Might be a good night to work on the rug.

We just surfed the internet. For an hour. Now we are going to work on the rug. Then sleep.

Half Sleep

November 28, 2013

This is pretty funny. I got a comment that suggested I make my posts longer. I am going with that is spam.

This was also funny. We are learning the words to Mr tambourine man. We were going to work on that in bed. We shut of the light and jumped into bed. You can not read in the dark. We got up this morning and it was asked. “So what happened yesterday?”

We had dreams and we could not really see them. it was blurry. We think some kinda half slept. We do know that today we can without angst move downstairs. In a way some have set it up and now we can do it knowing what to do. We think it is in part as we understand that some have half slept. We could mess up the moving downstairs and that would mean that some do not get to sleep for a while. if they do not sleep they can not be. Before they could not sleep for years. We get it. All of us have different levels of sleep and that is what makes us separate.

We keep expecting to be told it is not OK to move downstairs. Or at least some conditions that we have not been told yet.

The 57 are kinda excited that they have a clear task. When I say kinda they want a more exciting task with nicer results than this. In a way this is kinda what the 57 do.

The 57 do what used to be called horror shows. it is how they operated. They also did missions. The missions were silly stuff like we are going to make a fresh strawberry daiquiri. That one was done on a holiday and we had to go to three states to make that happen. Just figured out both horror shows and missions involved another person. A horror show is really just staying with something until it is done.

Kitty is not going to be happy about all this disruption. We have to build a Kitty door so he has access to the rest of the house.

This is in part a OK we have taken this summer as far as we can and now it is time to get ready for spring.

The 57 now would typically redefine the task of moving downstairs. They in a way have to as every task is done on the fly for anyone. Some like going to school are just easier and have no risk that is not manufactured.

It is not going to happen that the 57 do not see this as a step so something better for all of us.

It is not just that the 57 might take over and the others not get to sleep it is if the 57 are doing things than that has to be processed and that takes time. It is normal processing that everyone needs to do.

The 57 are about us all thriving for all of us. OK we get it. We are processing on the fly when it was about accepting our reality when the trauma was going on. We did not dissociate. It is about the different level of control over our life we had once the danger was not a constant threat. Just so you know constant means every second of every min or every hour of every day.

OK we get it. The 57 always have a bright outlook as they were out when we had control and when we have control things tend to go well for us. Part of that is we are more accepting of everything it is our fault.

The 57 are more willing to fail as they did not fail to keep anyone from being killed. They actually never lost anyone they loved.

Not the being out of danger was not a day it was over or anything. The first time we were warm and fed as a baby would be the start of it. No when we were held in isolation in the room with the red dark room light and the nurse held us and talked to us even though she was not supposed to would be when we first thought things were going to be alright. Then it was our twin sister was taken and we were alone. Guessing there was some tests of something that they wanted to do and that is why my sister and I were separated. Nope we were separated and on different sides of the room. The nurse let us touch each other. She is and angel to us. The template for Charlotte. The first person ever to show us love.

Interesting. We could have that memory as the 57 are going to take off and move down stairs. We knew much about it. We did not remember being able to touch my twins sister. That was not allowed and so it never happened and she died in the cage.

You see that is how we knew it was important to hold Wendy’s baby until he died. We did make a nest for him out of newspapers. He did not like that so we held him until he died.

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We cried some and then went to work on building the wall. It was not fun much of the time as we were angry. We got half the wall up and then we took a nap and fell asleep for 4 hours. That is new for the 57 and a huge step just as not finishing the paper work last night was a big step. We are going to work on moving stuff around down stairs. The moving is easy if we just stayed present. No healing that way for sure. It is complicated we moved twice a year from the state park to “town”. It was 5 miles. We knew it always meant new horror. It was harder not to live with that when we moved. Not dissociation. The 57 are working hard in a way they never have been able to. Reality is if they fall apart we could all be lost.

We are getting s sense of what is going to be happening for the next month or so. Will all change if we get the job running the ski lifts. We will worry about that if and when the time comes.

It is easier as the 57 have more of an understanding why they are moving downstairs now when it is cold and a lot lot harder. They are OK as long as they know what is going on.

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As a protective mechanism we developed a habit of telling people that things were better than they were. It was pretty much a necessity. People could not handle what we were going through and we risked being shunned even more if we let on what was really going on. It was about the best way to limit the abuse not the effects.

We still have to do it. We can never answer the question how is it going honestly as people have no context.

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the work on moving downstairs is going well. It is chaotic. It is not really a good thing it is a less bad thing. The real goal is to save money on food by having a kitchen. We may spend more in heat than we save. It would be a help if we could eat better. We do well considering what we are doing. The thing we have not solved is our clothes. We can not fold clothes and so we hang them all up. There is not way to hang them up down stairs. We are hoping for a solution once we have our bed and such down there. Hang a rod from the ceiling that would work. That was pretty clever. I did not come up with that.

We do not have many clothes so that will work well.

That was a bigger deal than the 57 understood. it is not the putting on the cold clothes it is the anger at having to do so that bothers the others.

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There have been some multiple things going on like “hey why is the bed high and where is the rest of it.” Some have not been out since we moved in the nice bed. They were wondering where the sag went.

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We are more than well aware that as soon as we can we will start to work more on the physical and that will mean more healing which means more memory work. We are well aware that may not be until spring.

Super Important

November 27, 2013

We think we understand something now. If the 57 get on a roll than the others will not get to sleep. If they do not sleep over time they can not be. So when ever the 57 start to get on a roll the others are reasonably afraid they will not get to sleep.

We are still working with the in-betweener theory. There is one that knows more what is best for the others and the in-betweener can best let the 57 know. It is a hard job.

We are filling our some environmental forms and doing some sketches. It is not that the others are not involved it is just not there gig. They can be out and about and are best and doing the sketched especially the balance and the colors. The 57 start to push and they get yelled at in a way. It is not meant to be mean. It is.

So we are going to stop with that project. This used to mean the 57 might have to relearn the whole project. That is why they never want to stop. That is a hard one as it works so well. The 57 are over the top good at staying with something until it is done. It is not they do it alone it is they are the ones out when it happens. In a way they are good at having the others stay with it.

OK

November 27, 2013

We are through something. It is not really understandable. We just know we are through something. We are kinda caught up with a lot of things and we think we will be OK to keep catching up.

The rash from our neoprene swim cap was aggravated by the chlorine in the pool so we will not be able to go swimming again for a week. That sucks. It is not anything like before when that would mean we might lose weeks or months.

We will be having sun energy issues if we are not careful. Tomorrow is thanksgiving and I am very thankful I do not have to see my FOO. May have to grieve it took me so long to find out.

We would like to go out in our kayak. We did that last year and it will be nice to know how far we have come. We may go to the ocean on Christmas morning. We have done that for years and cried and cried. Before it was a way to get through Christmas day.

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The job we have been working on is not happening. We may get a few more hundred out of it. It was fun to get back in the game.

Our Zumba instructor was the one that set up the dancing. We told the group that we thought that we should get her flowers. They agreed and I am picking them up mon. I set up a simple routine where we will through turns pass the roses up when we are all in a line. Then when we give them to her we will all do the last move that we did in the routine. It will be pretty slick. Been a while since we have organized people to do things.

OK

November 26, 2013

We woke up in the night and were between sleeps. As our data was back on we checked our messages and started answering them and getting ready for tomorrow. At that point we could have gone back to sleep and the 57 would have carried on and the others would be left away. That is how our multiplicity works. No dissociation involved. Until proven otherwise that is what singletons do and there for assume that is what causes multiplicity.

So we are awake now and in a way have morphed. We are going much faster and such. We do need to regroup. There is not real danger of the 57 taking over. Thing is the others never knew what happened when they did take over until the others were out and about.

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We were able to dream last night and it was a water dream. We hugged our father which never happened in real life then smashed his face against a counter over and over. Did not do that in real life either. Never had a water dream that was a faucet before. The faucet did not work that well. Water all over the place. The water would turn on and off when I turned the handle to a curtain. Never had curtains in our dreams either. This was just a dream and not where we go to a different place in my mind.

So we need to regroup. We have already started. The 57 would have been 40 miles north of here on a job. It is funny we are reverting to the way we used to have to do thing. Well we think about it. It is a matter of going slow so we all have the benefit of healing.

We are in the middle of the flurry of contact about the site we were on. It is fun.

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We are doing the thing where we meld on the fly and it is hard to do it is not hard to take. Much of it is fear about going back to the way we were and part of it is starting to go back. We had an issue with our normal.dot and this used to go two ways. We would switch and solve the fucking problem or switch and take care of it in our own sweet time. It is a matter of melding the two ways instead of choosing one. It is about having all have there input with out saying the other one has a better way. It is not conflict it is a multiple thing. The thing is we are all competent. We all do not work well with in the context of this healing thing. Actually that is not true. It is hard.

We have gone as far as we can and now we need to find a way to eat and go to the job site and then we will need to totally regroup.

OK, We are done for the day. This is important although we may not be able to convey its importance. Some really like to do things and some know this so they do not want those things done unless the ones that like it are out and about to enjoy it. It is not petty they really need things they enjoy and deserve them. Now that more is understood it is OK to do these things. Do not know why. As an example. Some really like to buy cat food. So if it is on the way home and we can just get the cat food it has not been OK. Aggravating for the 57. We were on the way home and not that happy with things and we realized it would be more efficient if we got cat food. That would not have been OK before. We are pretty sure for some reason it was this time. It is important to us.

No Internet

November 26, 2013

Had to shut off my data as I have data issues. Facebook I assume. The following was written through out the day in Word.

We did figure out if we do not get a car battery before Zumbamat than we cannot go. It is important that we go as there is not going to be any on Friday due to Thanksgiving.

It seems the 57 are more getting the hang of how hard this all is and that makes it easier and they will adjust better which does mean things will go faster. It is what they do. It is going to take a lot more work to get to that point. We think we are on the cusp of something. We have a sense it is long term.

We do need to remember we have a job to do on Tues. We are at risk of forgetting that.

We wonder if the only reason things are calmed down as we are not really doing the work of therapy. We also wonder if no work of therapy is going to happen until spring. We really do not have much of a memory of what happens in the winter other than it is bad. We are not overly worried.

This having to get a battery will solidify our transition to it being dark so much. It is a month away until the days start getting longer.

The 57 are now able to do their version of multi task. We can call the wrecker and then get dressed for the cold. We have the tools in the car all ready and they will heat them up on the way to get the battery. They are together enough to not shut off the car until we know we have a battery.

We did have some vestiges of not being able to go swimming last night. A kinda we might have gone right after Zumba and not really know why. We should come home and sleep.

We learned to keep others informed of the future as in we might let them know if we can not get a battery we can not go to Zumbamat. It is not that any of us can not handle anything it is that it was best we do not.

It was very windy yesterday and we did not get on the level that we usually do that was one reason why we were cold. It is a matter of we did not get geared up the way we can. We had the normal understanding. The whole hyper aware as being something bad is bullshit. We like being aware we are just experiencing it differently and we need to get used to it. We know how to deal with the cold on a level that most people never do. The weather actually controls what we do less than most people it is just with processing everything is more important.

It is important that we go to Zumbamat. It is not at this time critical It is never critical when we have the outlet of going swimming in the lake and have enough sun. We have to watch stretching out the time we can go with out stuff like swimming in the lake and going to Zumbamat.
We before would have been running multiple scenarios right now. OK if we can not get a battery her we will go there. Timing for getting to Zumbamat etc. We are good at it and it does not really take effort it does take energy.

We have many different modes and we used to switch a lot and very fast to do things. We kinda knew what it was. It is like we have data issues on our phone so we called the carrier. Others call about fun stuff like buying phones and such. Those that called this time are more serious. When this happens with people that we deal with a lot they get confused and think it is a mood thing. We are always accurate and that confuses people.

One thing we do do is to be in say exercise class and wish others were there with us. We do not look around an think anyone of these people could be killed by a psychopath in a heart beat. We know it to be true we do not live it. We do a little bit of comparing in that molly was a good dancer. Not much of that.

We are waiting for a wrecker to jump our car. Funny they call them wreckers.

We are not as nice as we used to be as it takes energy. We still have the thoughts we do not follow through. We still have to work that all out. We just got a call from AAA asking if anyone had got out here and they have not. We are aware that the text we got saying they would be here by 7:15 was incorrect. We know it is 14 degrees out and that lots of people need there car jumped. We have time and told that to the guy from AAA that called. Reality is we might end up being late for Zumbamat if we go to the back of the line. That is Ok except we do not really think that way. We told him it would be fine as long as it was within the ½ hour. Just trying to be nice. We guess that is just the way we are.

We understand now that being a multiple requires an efficiency that others will never experience. They recognize it yet most do not value it. They just have no understanding. They can go with us sometimes if we are in charge. I have an example. If you are dying drywall mud you can save a ton of time and money by using a dehumidifier. We have done this on many jobs and everyone is impressed. They do not do it themselves as it is not normal.

We notice things and when we point them out other people can recognize them they would not observe them themselves and do not even know it. An artist might know we have an artists eye they think we are limited to that.

It is like the wrecker is late. Well now we have a ETA where the first time we were given a time.

We expect to have a flurry of phone calls this morning as we had to write a negative report. We were going to contact the client and get permission to talk to other people. We respect that the person who paid us is our client not anyone else. We do not worry as much about that now. Our focus is getting the work. We are looking forward to the flurry as we are the one that knows what is going on. On a level they will never understand. We are now more OK if people just think we are a nice guy as that is there limit of understanding. We are making the judgment that our client will be Ok with us communicating with others. Pretty much we are modifying how we deal with the world knowing that we are not being as respectful.

The wrecker is late enough now so we need to regroup.

OK,

The wrecker guy came and we talked batteries. I am not a guy who is into equipment or gear in general so that type of thing is hard for me. It is like this. A guy will say you know how you like to use your own tools and I do not understand. I just want the bolt to do what I want it to. His information required us to adjust what we were going to do. That is easy. It is not easy to do with out a switch. We need to go slower for a bit. Some can not keep up and that is true for all of us, it depends on what we are doing. We talked batteries with a guy. We were just going to walmart and that was still and option. To not have to deal we usually just buy or it takes a lot of energy and effort. It worked out and we came home and changed the battery. We were running just a tad late to Zumbamat and that is typical for those that were out. We then went to get breakfast. We are going as slow as we can and that is hard for some of us. We then went to the store and ran into a friend. Talked to him for a long time. If those that are out are not going flat out than they do not worry about time. For them it is an either or thing. So now we are really late to Zumba as it is going to be half over. This is all new to those that are out and we knew now that we were integrating on the fly. So some that would not usually go to Zumba went. It is not scary as we have a ton of ways to cover. We are a big hit having done the talent show. That is fun although we have to make sure it does not interfere with out Zumba. So we are back home now and it is going to be hard for us to sleep. Those out just want to keep going.

Note: This writing is helpful to us. Do not really understand why. It is . If we did not write we would have no chance at sleeping. It might be that sleeping is not what is needed. It is the thing we usually miss. Well one of them.

The going swimming is still in our head. Here is the thing there has been time were it is wanted that we go when it is dark so the ones out now are confused.

We do miss the internet. We are kinda worked that we are missing something.

Over all we are hanging in there and this is pretty light duty for us. In our spare time we are seeing how much money we spend. We do that different than many people. We are wanting to know how far 500 takes us. It is for us actually a much better way to think about it than a monthly thing.

We do not know if it shows but this writing is much different for us and new. Lots is new right now. Better for now in fact.
This happens quite a bit. We did not know what rough shape we were in, We can not tell until we regroup if then. It is kinda like if we are dealing with what comes up and not totally going backwards than we think we are doing OK as it is better.

We do think that we will have regrouped in the next few days and maybe tomorrow. This is hard is all.

So we laid down and were not able to sleep on our right side. We somehow know when we need to sleep on one side or the other. Some times we sleep on our stomach or our back. That seems to just happen. We became very very hungry. We went to a local diner and it was closed as it was after 2. We went to somewhere and got fast food. We went and walked in the sun for a bit as the sun was going down. Just a few min. Then we came home and slept like a rock. The 57 are not at all Ok with all of this sleeping. They do not understand going to sleep and then waking up more tired. We are going for a swim now even though right now we are no up for it. We think what may be going on is like when we go to therapy and some do hard work and the 57 have not clue what happened. What ever is going on the 57 are not yet buying into it. They want results now and good results.

We went for a swim. It was a we almost did not go thing turned around twice. We do not really understand. We are all but sure our rash is from out swim cap and then the chlorine aggravated it. We were seriously dehydrated. It is going to take a while to get back. What happened is the 57 did what they thought was being done before. They might even have done that other than the really poor eating.

Job tomorrow. About and hour from here. We have a couple of tasks to do.

It is hard to explain what we did today. We pretty much worked on having some sleep and it took all afternoon.

The best way for us to know we are dehydrated is our skin wrinkles when wet. We think our body might be changing and needing more water. It might be the cold.

We did miss the Internet.

Dance

November 26, 2013

We went to the dance recital at the talent show. it was very much fun. The group and I peaked for the performance and that was fun.

It was the first talent show they did. There was a 8 year old who did a dance all by herself. She did it all by herself. We know her mother and father. Her father said that when it was time to get dressed the girl said that is dumb it is about me and my dance there is no reason to dress up. She was awesome and after I did my dance she told me I did awesome and meant it. There were some people there from the Zumba class to support us and I sat with them and chatted and such. i told jokes and had a good time. It was a awesome experience for me. We even had some funny exchanges on face book.

All that being said we also saw a lot else that went on. The other dance company being a jerk. The knights of Columbus getting valuable gifts for business selling raffle tickets which is giving away others work for next to nothing. We know the Knights of Columbus is 80 billion insurance company for men only under the guise of being non-profit. We saw the sister infighting and parents being mean to children. We saw the old nuns and wondered where the young ones were. Yes we do know two nuns that were sexually assaulted.

It was about us dancing and what we brought. It is about our relationships.

____________

So we did not nap yesterday and yesterday we knew that today was to be a day of rest. We are not tired at all. Pretty much the 57 have taken over. It has to be decided if they are going to stay in charge and get things set up as that is what they do or if we are going to do something different. We wish it was warm outside.

Right in this moment we think we can get warm from Zumbamat as it is a little bit about music.

___________________

OK we slept for 3.5 hours. We are well aware that some did not sleep. It is going to take a while. We think our best shot is to make that time as short as possible. It may be that the process of making it shorter something else will happen. Just the way this work goes.

One thing that happened was as our kitchen is freezing we did not get up and eat. That and we did not have food in the house.

We figured out it was not the water in the pool that burned our skin it was out swim cap.

We are going for a walk in what sun there is. It will be our first real cold walk as in 20 degrees.

_____________

OK we went for our first real cold windy walk. It is going to take more planning. We have the gear and know how to so it. We through our life have just toughed it out and that does not allow us to get sun energy.

_____________

We gave up years ago on experts. Likely due to tracking we happened across some books on ritual abuse and extreme abuse. 10 years ago no such books even existed. I did notice that the pros want to control the narrative.

____________________

When dealing with talking to ritual abuse it is important to let people know they are being fooled also.

_____________

What we are going through right now is a hard part. We could do lots of things and it is best that we do not do anything but rest and check in with as many as we can. There is right now no push to do memory work.

Rested Equals Anger

November 24, 2013

That makes sense. We are working on when the danger was not daily and how we handled it. We handled it well no need to see us as deficient.

So when the 57 are rested they are closet to anger at all times. It is a physical thing. Not saying that the others are not angry. It is different when there is not danger to eat up the anger.

So we went to go swimming our battery is dead. It is cold and we need a new battery. We thought we might and asked out mechanic to test it. He fucked up. He basically believes that we are getting a new car and he is going to get ours. So he made decisions for me as he as many people are are arrogant. So we got pissed off. We learned something. When everyone gets pissed off they connect it to other things. In fact less so than we do. Think is we have/had much different things to be angry about. That was and is the issue. Why anger management fails other than to make the person just cope so they get along with other people. This is why other people see it as the solution. We expect they just do not really have that much to be angry about. A charmed life. Or they might just not handle it as well as we do.

__________________

So this battery being dead is different for us. Before we would have called triple A and gone to walmart got a battery and installed it and then gone swimming. Or we might have bough it and kept it in our car expecting that our car would start as it just was started and change it in the morning. We are going to wait until morning as it will be easier in the light. Before that would not be best. It would use more energy to wait. The difference now is our body and brain have changed due to bringing repressed memories into consciousness and processing.

It is not that we think any better now it is just easier. We do think a lot better now than when in the middle of processing. Processing will always be hard. Even if tragedy happens now it will be easier now we have processed and grieved so much. It is getting easier. The grieving does not get easier we just get to it quicker and recover quicker.

There are many things that can happen as a multiple. All can be simply explained as normal as long as understanding is not a criteria. We might get up in the morning and not know our battery is dead. We would not have forgotten those out never knew. Even now some of us might think we went swimming as they know others were planning to and were not part of what happened. As a multiple many of us have knowledge of what goes on with many of us even if they were not there. So if you asked many of us if we went swimming they could access the memory even if they would not have gone.

There was a plan to maybe go swimming and then work out our rug. That maybe plan is still around. What could have happened before is we could have worked on the rug and those that really need to would have not part in it. A get it over with thing. We did a lot of getting things over with.

So we can not do the rug like we usually do. Our bed now is higher so we need to change things. That is important and if other change things it will not be OK. Doing the rug is kinda a soft switch thing we think.

We just saw a video of us dancing. It is not pretty. It still makes us smile.

General

November 24, 2013

Kinda in a lull. Good day for it. Dreary as all get out.

We thought the dance performance was sat after next. It is tomorrow. Everybody including me is excited about it. I am looking forward to it. We are ready as far as the dance goes and only need to do laundry. It is at 6:30. We are going to do a run through and I am trying to keep them from unnecessary last min changes.

We are toying with the idea of having what we do this winter be the start of the rest of our life. Problem with that is that is how the 57 have always created different parts. It has always been a leaving away and this time we want it not to be.

It is hard as the 57 have always had more opportunities and were never ever behind our peers. Reality is we were always years ahead. It is how we made our life OK.

_________________

We caught two breaks. First we thought that the dance performance was the sat after next and it is tomorrow. It would have been horrible to miss it. that being said we have the dance close enough are looking forward to it and it will be easier to have it behind us. We also are doing a quick consult tomorrow and so we will have a little money for a few days and will be able to eat better.

We seem to know what to do with out as much thinking and angst to recover. We knew to go to the tanning booth and we knew we needed salt. It seems now we know we catch it all earlier and that makes it easier.

My face neck and ears are one big rash. This is new. I wonder if it is not related to the healing somehow. Nothing else makes any sense. Could go to a Dr and over then next few weeks or months have some tests. Either way I expect it will go away.

We are still floating the idea of tying everything into the rest of our life rather than just healing. It was not separate before it is a matter of focus. We are well aware we are away from out therapist right now. Not only as we do not have our next session we are emotionally disconnected.

We are not having any issues with getting up for doing our work for money. Could just be the 57 are out and about anyway.