Archive for December, 2009

Parts that Disapeared.

December 31, 2009

I don’t think parts really disappeared. We were not aware of them as they did not express.

We were kinda freaking out that there were so many of us that to some of us seemed new. That is not it is that they were expressing.  Least that is what it seem like right now.

We have been working on a period of time where we did not read and write. My parents did not teach us as they knew we were going to be bored in school.

The ones that were pre-verbal seemed to be OK with coming into the now. The ones that do not read and write are not sure that being an adult is anything they want to be involved in. I can see that. We are sure not going to push although we would be lying if we pretended that we did not expect they would integrate. It will be different as they are different.

I don’t feel so alone.

December 31, 2009

It is not a good thing to know that the world is horrible for many people.


December 31, 2009

This is not an action thing. I am realistic. It is a want. We want so much to have people be nice. When we feel that than we run the most fantastic scenarios. Sometimes worked out with a childs God.

When bi-polar lots of the things I did were labeled manic. One was I once spent 35,000 on survey equipment including a computer for drafting. I had never done surveying or run a computer. When I stopped I was making over 6 figures working 4 days a week and you know what I made 250 today in an hour so I could spend the rest of the say on the work of therapy. All hail to being manic.

I was never manic. It was adrenaline. I have a different way of thinking. I have always been told that. Always knew that if I was solving someone elses problem my way of thinking was amazing and cool. If against someone I was crazy.

I am a fucking freak and that is all there is to it.


December 31, 2009

I went to get a Pizza. I could remember the number. 40 by the way. I could not do that before. I would sometimes forget there was a number. I sometimes would write it down on my hand or sometimes on a piece of paper and sometimes lose the paper.

I could remember if I said it over and over in my head.

Now I know the coefficient for the expansion of steel per degree. I even know it is a rubber number as the it is really logarithmic. I could not remember my number. I think it is because it is verbal.

Anyway it is a big deal to me.

The Future.

December 29, 2009

I don’t think it is understood that living knowing the past may unexpectedly affect the future is a lot of stress in itself and there is the stuff in the future at everyone has to deal with.

I am coasting along quite nicely. Still no idea what is coming up and if I will be able to take an oil painting class. Will I have 6 days where I can think? Will they be the right 6 days? Will the class and the work effect my brain in a way I can not foresee? (I drew with my left hand once and ended up in the hospital total derealization.

Not Staying Present.

December 29, 2009

One of the reasons we did not stay present is there was always too much going on inside. In a way trying to find a way out.

Why Didn’t You Tell?

December 29, 2009

I did as best I could and as much as I dared. I thought I was being clear.

The question is why didn’t anyone listen.

My Hell

December 29, 2009

My hell was not of my making and I could not get our of it alone.

Multiplicity as THE accomplishment

December 29, 2009

We have always had the feeling that no matter what we did we would never match the accomplishment of being multiple. We at least right now knowing what we experienced feel that what we accomplished as a multiple is greater than becoming a multiple.

It feels right now that we are very close to not being multiple anymore. Something is going on different that is for sure.

The depersonalization is what drove us becoming multiple.  The trauma caused the depersonalization and that resulted in the becoming multiple. That and we never had a chance to develop one personality.

We were not making any decisions during the trauma. We had none and we did the best we could. If we had a break from the trauma then we made decisions.

Looking back we made so many good decisions given what we had to deal with.

We think it might be an advantage having so many different abusers and so many different groups.

It took all of us to heal. Sometimes it was one staying away or getting out-of-the-way.

We are still multiple we do not know how much work is left. We only know there is less of it.

Change the effect not the action

December 29, 2009

As I process more of the trauma and meld and unlearn. I understand why changing my actions had only an effect on the world around me and not my self.

Most of this was the effects of the trauma I experienced.  There really was not self with out adrenaline.