Archive for March, 2013

.Just a hey. I is doing well

March 18, 2013

I forgot

March 5, 2013

I saw an Northern Hawk Owl tonight. He landed on the snow by a stream. We chatted and then he flew off. No sound just so you know.

Duh

March 5, 2013

I do not have to do all the laundry. I can do it when I get back. duh

I have a big project in the works. It will be the biggest construction site in my county. The city/town I have to work in is full of masons in the planning dept. Some wear the ring. The person who does most of the consulting in the city is a convicted pedophile and a mason. I talked to him once about working together before he was convicted. We did not get along. They are all about rules and all about they do not apply to them. They are all very angry and unhappy.

Anyway it is just something I have to deal with. It kinda works out if you know about the Mason connection than they get scared somehow. Kinda like it is easy to be the biggest person in the room.

__________

We tossed and turned all night. We slept well as that is what our body needed to do. We have about 12 hours to get ready to go. We have open glass studio tonight and when we get back it will be about sleep then get up and shut down the house. Then we go to the bus station.

We have not over all planned what needs to be done today. We kinda have a general idea and not specifics. We want some e-mail address with us just in case. Well we only need about 1/2 doz. We can access them online and our phone. Just a few we want to have handy and in print.

If we get done getting ready t0 go than we could likely go swimming before 3 it is not gong to happen it is a you never know thing.

We are looking forward to the glass open studio. We hope to see lots of our friends there.

We are going to take a few min to see if we have what we know we want during this trip that can be known.

We miss Kitty.

Packing is going well.

This trip is already a life changer no matter what happens.

I am on my way

March 5, 2013

This time tomorrow I will be in Ecuador sleeping in a museum.

I do not know of all the 35,000 that have at least clicked on this blog. To those I do. I wish you well and promise I will return when I return the first week in April. I hate it when bloggers just disappear so I will not.

OK

March 4, 2013

It is afternoon and we have taken a nap. Clients are all taken care of as far as I know or care.

We feel pretty good.

In the summer when we had enough sunshine the goal of going south was to set or reset the reptilian brains. That was the original idea/concept/need. As we had less and less sun we lost sight of this. We have it back now. Our over all goal is to heal our reptilian brains. This is not contrary to all the work we have done. It is not really an addition it is the base of what we want to experience. It feels good to know at the level we do. We kinda had that we would rediscover this. Well some of us knew better.

So we are on track. That is what we are doing for the next month. It is what we have been doing all along with the work of therapy. This is just a clearer focus. No way in the world is it going to be accomplished in a month.  Hopefully it will be a step.

We are pretty much ready to get ready to go. We need to do laundry. That sucks.

We are leaving Kitty off in a bit. It is very very hard. We feel like a traitor. He is not happy when he is not with us. He does not like to be away. He hides. He has never been gone for more than a week. He does not eat. He knows something is up and is looking at me making be sad.

We are going to miss him and we are going to miss him tonight and tomorrow night.

We have everything in the house we need to go on the trip. We have not put it all together. We have all day tomorrow. I wish we could swim tonight. If we are going to have a shot at swimming tomorrow than we need to do laundry tonight. I suppose we could do the paper work tonight. We have it all it is just not organized and we have to print some of it out from the computer.  We need to scan them all and e-mail to our self and put them on our phone.

We have dropped of Kitty. It was rough on us. He has been gone for a week or so. He has always just hid not eaten and such. He does not like to go in his cage. He walked right in and did not make noise on the ride. He has been at this house before and he usually just runs and hides. He hung around and told the person who is taking him. Hey there is not food over here. Whats up with that. He was purring and making all nice. The person who is taking care of her is my former wife. He is a good cat and I am now OK with leaving him. He somehow gets what is going on. I love him.

We need to force ourselves to eat.

It was really rough with kitty. It was no about he was having and adventure also. Now it is. That is much more better.

We have made the last purchase that we know we needed to make. Next step is laundry and that is a big one for us.

There is some sort of weird switch going on. I think it is about the one that writes and talks strange. He quotes a lot.  I was going to go but then I decided the getting back was not worth it. Going there was worth it it was the getting back. Gibbersish like that. He writes stories.

Well lads I was taking a bead on a Bengal tiger with my trusted blunderbuss and my trusted guide at my side. Both had a different understanding of what trusted meant than I. The gun did not fire and when the Rhino came bursting though to the left my guide burst the other way. I was left with only my wits and this hat. Fortunately my hat was serviceable at the time. It flew and distracted the cat and they collided knocking each other out and I was able to escape. I fired my guide which was successful unlike my firing of my blunderbuss.  He can go on forever and has sometimes.

 

 

Feel like crap

March 4, 2013

I feel like crap and I am not sure it is not just that I know I do. This is not a being unaware of my body thing at all. I think what it is is that I know I should not feel like this where usually I would accept it. The reptilian brains are used to feeling this way in these conditions. It is the time of year. It is important to know that the reptilian brain does not think in calendars.

Interesting study. Down people are put in a room with up people. There is a questionnaire before and after. There is no speaking. Everyone get more up. No idea if the study is valid or how it was done. The concept rings true for me.

For me leaving home is more about leaving the art studio. That is more of a home than this house to us. People there are nice. Simple as that.

I think I like art classes more than doing art. The reason is I can be with people and they are doing their own thing and for the most part do not try and bring me into their delusions. I think that for my part what I do in groups is try and bring them up.

We have our hotel and have been in contact with them. We know how much to pay for the taxi. We are staying two days at the same hotel to rest up to head to the coast. We are not dumb we will give the manager of the hotel a marble and then we will have someone in the county that speaks English and we have a connection with. We will if we like the place reserve a room for the last day we are there.

Interesting thing about Ecuador is you have to pay 50 cash to get out of the country.

We feel better now. We think it is that we always just skipped this part physically. We had a routine and were in a fog for a bit. We wonder if this is not kinda normal. That the body needs to wake up and it is in what ever state it is in. A kinda reptilian brain baseline.

We need to be aware we will not be swimming for about a week. That will be the longest time that has happened in years. The pool is lots of things for us. It is also a place where we are very at ease.

One thing we figured out with this trip is we leave things that we can do without anyone else involved until last. The reason is we are more competent. This is not true with everyone. Just most people. It is easier. There are many many factors. Some that will go away. One of them is our memory. If something gets messed up we hated going back in our memory to find our why. This makes perfect sense. We do not enjoy conflict the way we once did. We are still very good at it. Just not a good energy for us now. Does not match our body now the way it works. Our life was set up about how to switch, how not to switch and make switches as easy as possible. It has kinda morphed into getting our head right. One thing we are most competent at is when things are all messed up. It is pretty much all we know how to do. Well it is not that bad it is our go to. Ironically we do not as many people see to do set up easy problems or no problems at all just so they can solve them.

Getting our head right is very very hard work. What happens is we really take the time and sometimes it is hours to get our head right. This is apposed to getting our head right in a nano second. We are known for that. It was a running from one thing to another.

We like Zumba for the same reason as we like the art classes. Everyone is about what they are doing. We do watch people. It is funny we are always one of the last to leave. We just do not do the rush out the door thing. Does not make us feel important. It is funny. Many people come early and chat. That we do not do.

We have remembered not to do mat work after Zumba. It is just to intense.

We have decided that we are not going to bring our hammock to sleep in to Ecuador. It was our go to if things did not work out. Actually we have not made that decision we just think that is the way it is going to go.

Guile- We hate it and we are good at it. They way it works is we only use it comfortably when it is for someone else. When doing things for our children we still will tell someone we want there help as we want to be a hero. We do not mention they are in their mid 20’s. We think it through much more when it is us. Like giving a marble and having another reservation to establish a relationship just does not feel right. If it was for someone else’s benefit it would be no issue.

Funny thing on taxi service  in a foreign counties. It is a “thing” with travelers. They want to pay the local rate. Here is the thing. Just jump in the taxi and do not negotiate and you will get the local rate. Go figure. You start to bargain and that is what happens. Just do not start it.

We have to go to the town where we swim. It is going to be weird not to swim or even be able to. We have to bring our gear for Zumba. It is going to be tight and it may not happen. If it does not happen we are going to need to do something. Maybe a swim on Tues. We are going to run our of time here pretty quick. We are close to being what we call on trip. That is from MKULTRA. Now it means we are only using our orange note book as that is where all the info is for our trip.

We are very very good at multi tasking. We have worked very very hard not to do that as it leave people away. We are close to where it is OK again. That is one of the things that is getting easier.

We are off and hope when we come back that what is needed for the now as far as clients go is done. Gona take some luck.

So

March 3, 2013

We are settling in to leaving on the trip.

We have kinda exhausted what we can do here. We are comfortable with that. We are good at just going. It is considering things that we are not good at. It is hard to explain. We are not irresponsible about things. I guess it is we have a habit of waiting until afterwards to know what the experience means to us.

We are going swimming in a bit after a rest and or nap. We are over the typhoid meds and that is a big big help. We feel good physically. We have Zumba in the morning and then a nap and then for all intents and purposes we are on the trip. Rats. We need to go to a different town in the morning and that means we might miss Zumba. We will think about that later. We will need to do some exercise once before we go and it might be swimming in the pool that we likely will be going to when we get back. We need to rest. We should reserve our hotel room for when we get to Ecuador. That requires a switch that is hard to make.

Time for rest.

 

 

 

 

Randoms

March 3, 2013

No matter what we did the crash was coming due to the lack of sunshine. The over heating was more temporary more easily rectified and just happened less. It did effect us although we could not put it together. We did last night. Say we had a summer of much over heating. The weather or the work we were doing. That would make the crash in the winter harder and or more likely.

Reality was if things went well we would start to process. Do there really was no way out. Our sister died when we were less than two. It is hard to tell as neither her nor I had normal physical development. I can not go with when I started to walk as you do not learn to walk if you are kept in a cage.

There was a bit of we learned that we were always going to be abused sooner of later. That is understanding light. No matter what we did we were going to suffer. The world although confident in their ability had no clue what we needed to do. In a real way we got done what the world thought we should do and then if we had any spare time tried to discover what we really needed.

In a way we now have a over all narrative. We wonder if that is the drive that so many that are trying to heal seem often write a book. We can now change the narrative by getting enough sun and cooling. We understand now why we had the sense that the need we have for the sun and cooling will diminish. It comes from the times we had more sun and did the cooling.

Simplistic understanding and might apply to less sever trauma does sometimes go to healing the adrenal system. In a way that is what I am doing. Thing is I needed to go back to the dark cold bright hot places as that was the place we needed to start.

We are doing much better this morning and will go to the tanning booth later this morning. We can go 10 to 5. In a way we will be waiting for that instead of waiting for spring.

This all is a matter of degrees and a hard aspect of it is that the more we get sunshine deprived the harder it is to get sunshine energy.

Reality is that we get sunshine deprive or over heated and those that could understand are left away it was to hard for them to be. Just like always.

It is still not a ya buddy thing. It is really another starting over. A much easier and better starting over it is still a starting over.

We wrote we are all memorizing “Its all over now Baby Blue.” In a way we are all coming to know about the sun both the too hot and the to cool. We do not think it is just us. We think it is everyone they just do not have the experiences and body that makes it so hard to deal with. Think you get a heat wave and you get riots.

We have not figured out yet about why our body tells us not to drink water if we do not have enough sun.

When we have to much sun or not enough sun we things in the now do not get done. When we do we rushed as we knew something was going to happen.

I think it was the first year we were were known to be PTSD. We went to the Carolina’s to buy golf clubs. It was not a cure all and we did not have that good of a time. We know now it was a help. We knew were were multiple by then and it was pretty crazy.

So if we have enough sunshine and not to much than we can know our center is not in our body. We can then do a soul retrieval and we can balance our body and brain. Or it can go the other way.

We went to VT and took golf lessons left handed. That would have been fine. We went in the water in the pool and it was just to cold. We split all up. There was lots involved.

This trip is really kinda the same other than probability. We may come back and crash. We will not crash while gone. We are multiple. We do not think we will crash and even if we do we will be in much better shape this summer. The trip is certainly worth the risk. We have no real fear of the crash. It is not like when we are sun deprived to the point where the crash is inevitable.

Although not looking ahead and not doing so may be what makes it clear we have at least another year of very hard work there is not way to convince the reptile brains other than experience.

A voice told us not to go this morning. It was a soft under the breath thing. It was about blame. I told you not to go so you can not blame me. That is reasonable and what is important is this is a all in thing. If one of us does not want to go than we will not. This is a little bit of false bravo. None are about to say not to go.

So we know about the trying not to get over heated or to much sun. We know we will need to cool. We have that as covered as is possible. We know if we can accomplish that than we can balance or brain and body. Our soul retrievals  are spontaneous and the result of what we do not something we do. We have no idea if it can happen in Ecuador. No way we could.

So what is the danger. The danger is we can think we are done just because we have got part of it done. This would most likely happen when some of us were not out and about. Not likely that a situation will arise where we stay in Ecuador. It was somewhat likely that we could get messed up and miss the cooling.  The most likely issue would be someone wants us to build something. It is pretty obvious to those that build things that we are good at that. It is a very very remote risk. We just have a history of doing things like that. The only thing we can do is be aware of that risk and if we agree to do something be OK with changing our mind. It is a case of ability not that we are over worrying. It is not just us. We know other people who get asked to take on problems. Some people that know and like us are afraid we will not come back by choice. They know us and know that could happen.

That we want to see our therapist is not enough as she is left away for us right now. Any plan would need to include our children. There would need to be lots and lots of money involved and privilege. We could convince ourselves that sending money to our children was best.

We have always had a thing with a once in a life time chance. It can be something small. Someone asks if we want to run a saw mill we are all over it. We kinda still have that.

I will give and example. I am right now working with a multi- millionaire. We are in the middle of a job for him and he does not even know we are taking off. He knows our ability. He is capable of starting to develop in Ecuador if he thinks it will be fun. Fun to him is making a lot of money. He is not a bad person it is just what drives him and he does help many people along the way. He like most successful businessmen that stay in business is really insecure on many levels. He is also trustworthy as are most businessmen it is a matter of knowing what he believes he is agreeing to and  making sure I am clear. Clear means a written contract. So that is a danger. In a way for us that is taking the easy way out.

Another danger and this has reared its head is that we go all physical fitness. A in a month we will come back in much better physical shape and have a plan to get in better shape. We have done this one before. It too a way to stay away from the hard work.

The above two things have been done before. In a way it has been what we always have done tied into how we were always knowing a crash will come and never knowing why. They both need to be integrated and that means they have to take a back seat. This is all much more fun they trying to discover a way to heal.

None of this is at all normal. It is not we need to learn better that which we already are good at.

So the focus needs to be on what we started with. To be more rested and find a level of rested that our body has never known. Key to that is getting enough sunshine and cooling. That has to come first. There is the practical of how to make this happen and then there is the doing it. Then and only then can we “Strike another match and start anew.”

It of course is not that simple. You can not just rest really really hard.

Another danger is we will get more rested after having enough sun and cooling and put everything off until we get back. That may not even be a danger it may be what is best. It may be the best way to get rested and learn how to be more rested. NO that will not work as that will intrinsically leave some away.

Much of this trip is about being sad. It is not about being melancholy it is not about being sad about the way things are other than the reason.

“Forget the dead you left they will not follow you.”

We in between this  writing have read the documents that we needed to read. In line with the dangers we are writing about we could keep reviewing and then take a nap. Thing is the ones that would be doing the review would be the ones to nap and that is not what is needed.

Another danger is to make it all about a story to tell. In a way a fake narrative. We have been staying away from this with telling about going on the trip. As close as the world can know we are gong to rest and they have no idea how beat up we are or that we do not even know how to really rest. Might be they do not know either. They think they do.

The fun exciting narrative could be the focus and a way not to do the hard work. Pretty much a oh I had a great time and therefore I did not really need to do the work.

We have been staying away from those who advise on that which they have never done. This is not a tour, this is not a gong to stay with someone we know and it is not a fucking class trip. It is not a go get drunk. It is not a stay in a hotel and go out on mini excursions. We do not know yet what it is we have not done it yet.

It can become about everyone else if we are not careful.

We do know one thing. We are not at all not OK with not going to therapy. It is hard work for us and we do not like it. Not one bit.

So we need a nap. It is only 10 in the morning and we already got a lot done. We did not get up until 6 I am pretty sure.

OK we took or nap and woke up and knew we needed to go to the tanning booth. Makes sense the reptilian brain does not think in terms of getting sun. It is a given to the reptilian brain. It is not known to the reptilian brain it is a choice.

We long ago decided not to bring a lap top. Even in England it was a hassle with it likely getting stolen. We will have wifi thru our phone here and there. We just accepted that we will not be writing on a computer for a month. We think it is that many summers we never wrote anything. Summers were better for us over all. We have thought about it and are OK with not writing on the computer for a month.

We are getting how it all works. After we took out nap we were hungry and we knew we needed to go to the tanning booth. We figured tanning booth eat hopefully not where we just had to eat something and then another nap. Went to the tanning booth and totally forgot we were hungry and we were tired a 1/2 an hour ago. I do not think it is really a forget. I think it is a switch. Anyway we are going to finish reading the documents we need to read and then take a nap. We do need to swim  tonight as it is the last time the pool is open. We have a different place we can pay 10 to swim. It is not “known” so there is little chance of a most wonderful swim.

All and all we are well pleased. We leave early Wed morning and are starting to feel the time crunch. One of the reasons we were not feeling tired.

We thought that we were done with the between sleeps. That is not what is happening.

All and all we are well pleased with our performance. What we are experiencing so so. We are well pleased at the possibilities this spring this summer and next winter. Nothing specific we are just going to be more rested. We are not staring down the barrel of holding on in hopes we can not be beat up all summer.

I have not written this in a while. We write very very fast. It is not like we are in front of the computer most of the day.

Notes

March 2, 2013

The concept of teaching a person how to cope when the coped well before is bullshit and insulting to  how hard this work it to do including finding a way.

We process now in a way that we think is similar to night terrors with out the terror. Impossible to explain.

We are having great fun ticking off things that are done for the trip. Even buying our last tank of gas is fun. Getting ready for the trip is going well. We are working real hard at not go to when we get back. It is getting harder and harder.

Kitty is staying very very close and getting in the way as much as he can,

We see how this trip was pretty well planned out. Stuff like our gym membership just ended.

We are glad we are not going to SC. Mostly the cost. It is cheaper for us to go to Ecuador for a month than it would be to go to SC. At least this year a we need a month.

We fully expect to get to Ecuador and know we were more beat up than we knew.  We know we need to go to the tanning booth every three days and 5 min is no longer enough. We expect our need for Sunshine to diminish. We never needed it like we do now. I am told that is not true.

Pretty much our life other than the time in FL was dependent on how much sunshine we got. One winter I was in the field for most 0f  the time and it was a great winter. Working at ski areas outside was great. That might even work next winter.

The way it worked was the whole year was based on how much sunshine we got in the winter. If we had a dark winter it might be the middle of the summer before we were doing OK if then. Back to back dark winters were a horror. We never could figure it out.  When we used to run it would get darker and darker and we would be running or CC skiing in the dark. Then we would often crash. The harder we pushed on doing what we thought was right the harder the crash. It was often job site dependent when we were building buildings. When we did residential we would set it up so we were inside. There was the removing snow and such. What would happen is we would get more and more beat up and then it got to the point were we would not sneak in sunshine.

We still have angst about it as we have not yet solved it. We have come a long way. Much of the work we did in the summer with the immersions and such was actually about healing our body so we could get more sunshine. We just on a deep level knew what to do but not quite.

There were so many things we tired to do. We tired to get a job with a landscaper. We did do many things to get in the sun. The meds just about killed us. Then there was the work of therapy. The work of therapy in the trauma started the winter after we went to England. We got sun that winter and then we had a good summer.

The deciding to try therapy was after a very good winter and summer. That winter we climbed a mountain. Every trail we could find. I think there were 11. We did well that winter. It is really all about how much sunshine we got. The trauma caused us to need sunshine. We can not say it was the cause of us not figuring it out. There are to many people that we know that are sun deprived and do not even know it. They are all dragging around and so no one notices.

To be clear I was known as high energy year round. What I did not know is that when we were alone we were dragging ourselves around. It is impossible to understand how much control we have always had of out time. We were always in charge of things and so we could do more what we needed than most people. We just did not know why we needed this control. We needed to be able to go off and crash. We learned as a child not to let anyone know we were down.

We have not written about it as it is solved. The heat used to be terrible for us also. We hated it. We did all sorts of things. We learned that if we went swimming at night than we that helped. Even as a 10 year old we would sneak out of the house and go to a brook and dunk. This is 1/2 mile trek though the woods. Once we went on tour and ended up 5 miles from the house. We were processing  Mamma’s death. The hardest thing is we never saved anyone. We have sense then. We saved a child from being run over and saved a man from falling off a building. Thing is people looked to us to save them. Reality is we had the best chance. We always had a plan. Lots of pressure for a kid. This is not our perception. I am talking real plans. Real cabins in the woods that no one knows about. I had a plan for Mamma to escape and we would go in the parade. Thinking someone would step forward. She would not come. She was right a black woman in that town would not be saved. I likely would have disappeared as in be killed.

We had forgotten about how the heat bothered us. The way it works is the plan is to be at the ocean so we can cool off. They way it works is those that are out and about do not know. They might come across something like a nice place to stay and not know we need to be able to cool off. We got it now. What could have happened is we stayed in Quinto and not found a way to cool and gone totally downhill and not even know why. The way it works with us is the normal things like drinking water and eating happen easily if our temperature is taken care of. If it is not than none of that really matters. Our body tells us to shut down and we did not understand.

One of the reasons we did not get the temperature thing is the way we experience it is very odd. Unbelievable in fact. We never used to get cold. It was not we did not feel cold our body was just supper good at staying warm. It is like how we can just keep going physically. It really was unbelievable what we could do. We could go with out sleep and it would not have any effect. It was not we dissociated or were not aware. It was different for us.

I am glad we figured out the cooling thing. That would have been a nightmare. Or could have been. We could have got worn out from the heat to the point where even if we knew we needed to get cooled off we could not have figured out how to do it.

This is really really good work for us. When we went to Chicago last time we swam in cold water every day. It was what lead to the processing of my twin sisters death. That is part of it. If we do well it has always been to do worse. We do not have a sense that is going to happen this time. We know there is more work to do. We really think that we at least know of all the deaths.

“Forget the dead you left they will not follow you.”

We may have to regroup and get a hotel with a pool. We have figured out the chlorine thing. We put oil on our hair and then shampoo with shampoo for pools.

We are well pleased. This is a much much better plan. We will find a hotel with a pool and buy a hat. We still have issues with time and such. We will not be swimming for three days. That is a long time for us. So tomorrow we will get a hotel with a pool and then take it from there. We love the internet.

 

 

So

March 2, 2013

We have a sense that soon we will be able to pick what we do and work on in a different way. We will not have to spend so much energy staying away from things as there is less to stay away from.

The challenge right now is physical for us. It is a day after therapy and we need to recover quickly as we are going on the trip. The only way to quicken the recovery is treat the body in a way that allows quick recovery.

The dragon brains narrative;

It is the core of being multiple and not having it might be the core of dissociation. The memory of the dragon brains is not in words. The experiences of the dragon brain can not really be put in words.  The dragon brain has its own sense of time and space. 

We came to a new understanding of this when memorizing the song “It’s all over now Baby Blue” We did not decide we wanted to memorize it. Least not in a normal way. We took a copy of it to therapy and memorized one verse. We recited that verse and then read the others in therapy. At least I think that is what happened.

We see that song in images. Real images in a real place and time. “Leave your stepping stones behind.” to us are actual rocks in a actual stream. It is a photo image.

Here is the thing we can not recite any of the song just anywhere. Sometimes we can not see the images.

This is all much about who controls the narrative. In therapy I totally control the narrative. I write my therapist and she does not reply. I control when therapy happens. I control what happens. I do not control my therapist at all.

I control the narrative on this blog.

To study the way the dragon brain memorizes you can google memorizing a deck of cards. It is done by a narrative.

I did not come up with the memorizing the deck of cards thing. My therapist and I talked about it and she brought it up. I can tell you where she was standing and if I want can go back and find the narrative  There is no need.

The dragon brain remembers by senses. Our senses do not work the same as most peoples which makes sense given our experiences of extreme torture including long periods of captivity.

This is likely the last time I can be freely be between sleeps. Until we get a base established in Ecuador. Pretty much until the dragon brain knows where it is and such. We are going to eat and go for a swim. We are then going to nap. We today need to do to the gym and do aerobics. It is the last day of our membership.

We need to go now or we will not be swimming alone. When I get back we will write about locking up the house.

It is highly probable that my family will snoop at my house. It is possible that they will under the pretense of having to check something come into the house. They will not be able to as I have putting a barrier on the door. They only way to open it will be to go in the cellar and disconnect the duct and reach up and know how to remove the barrier with out being able to see it.

It is more complicated that that in that it is in part expressive therapy. It is keeping not some of us locked away it is keeping the negativity of my family away.

We have swum and such and are going to take a nap.

The thing about controlling the narrative is you get to keep your delusions. Many people let others control the narrative and to absolve themselves of responsibility. You therapist says you do not have to process trauma. Problem solved for you and them. They do not have to listen to you and you do not have t0 express. No one heals and it is all good.

It is not that simple. If you listen to someone like me say you need to process the trauma than it is the same thing. You process the trauma and problem is solved. Even if that is not what you need.

To control the narrative you need sheeple and or to be one. Great one right now is the Catholic church. Pope decides to quit. Gotta pick a new one. The narrative is God already knows who the new pope is going to be. Conclave just needs to hear what God says and they will. Talk about fucked up. They control the narrative for a billion or so. The billion do not have to face they are just humans. They get to all delude themselves they are special. Do you know why when they pick a pope they conclave is in stark seclusion? Well before they used to party and it took forever to pick a pope. I do not know if God was partying with them or what the narrative is.

Time for a nap. I think I have just paid for my last tank of gas for a month. That was fun.

We forgot to take our Typhoid med. Here is the thing. I do not think it is a real forgetting. I think our reptilian brain knows it makes us sick. It is fine we are just a few hours late. Here is the thing we would not have remembered but we looked up altitude sickness which is and issue at 6,300 to (9,600 feet feet for 20%. We are going to be at 9,600 feet for a couple of days. We read about it and there is a herb to take. Here is the thing what we sometimes experience when processing trauma and we say we are sick for 1/2 an hour or so fits altitude sickness to a tea. We wonder if when we were shipped in the cargo area of a plane we did not get altitude sickness.

We wonder if one of the places we were shipped where Pasquale lived was at a high elevation. It is not important that we know on a level that we can point to a map. It is really only important that we are aware. We may have some memory things just due to the elevation. We know we did not plan this trip on any level with this in mind as we did not know we were going to be at that high of an elevation.

Anyway it is all good. We are going to make sure we stay hydrated. That is our main concern.

Time for a nap than we are hopefully going to build our barricade so no one can get in the house with out breaking a window.

Note: We are aware of the lack of credibility of much we write. If we were not we would be insane. They way we handle that is it does not matter as long as we heal. Over all none of it will be credible unless we no longer need to do all this work. Actually it is more that this work no longer has and effect. Then we will know we are done. Then we will know we were on the right path.

We are all memorizing its all over now baby blue. It is intense. Very integrating  It does not cause any physical stuff other than being tired.

We are going to the gym now for some aerobics. Had we not written about it here we would not have gone.

Eating is the next thing we have to get done. That is not going to be easy.

We are about finished with getting the house all set to be shut down. That is another mile stone. We still have stuff to do to get ready to go. We are ticking them off and it is intense. When we travel we snap as soon as it starts. We have no clue what will happen this time.

One thing that happened is one of the menagerie got left here and we have to bring Pest to our therapist. Have to ask if he was hiding and want to go to Ecuador  Not to keen on having an issue and having a stuffed animal in my bag. Not to keen on losing him either.

They are redoing the pool where I swim when I am gone. That means my membership will be extended likely until I can swim in the lake. Nice good fortune there.

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Back from the gym. It was a lite work out we were late and they were closing. It is fun ticking things off. That is our last time to the gym before we go and Monday will be our last Zumba. We are not gong to do the mat work. We do not have time for the rest. We are pretty sure we will be recovered from the work of therapy if we sleep. We bought Lo Mien so we are good with food for today.

It is really intense as some are out that usually do the traveling and they are all from the MKULTRA facilities.

Just found out all my info on the airport and hotels is for a airport that closed a couple of weeks ago. I really do like stuff like that.