Archive for October, 2012

Re-evaluating

October 31, 2012

Pretty much we have a few min before clay class so we are going to work on the medical profession.

They were part and parcel of the MKUTRA program. They have given me bad information my whole life. They are not smarter than I am.

Pretty much the medical field has a very poor and very damaging track record with me my whole life.

What we need to do is to just make sure we do not make any decisions with out checking in with all of us. That is what we need to do with re-evaluating

This blog must make it seem we are always in conflict with the world.  The opposite is true. If anything we are working towards getting along not as well.

We went to the tanning booth and feel like crap. I am laughing. I wonder if it we just know now we really feel now. We have been pretty much doing the oxy cotton. It is interesting. We know when the drug is leaving our body and we feel depressed. We know it just for what it is. We also find it interesting if we take two we get all wound up.

We have not taken any today just to check in.

Reality is for us that some do not usually deal with this. They are just waiting until it is gone. That is there job. They are impatient.

We really really are searching for things to keep us about the trauma. It is getting further and further away.  That is not the same as going away as it is processed. What we are doing is trying to keep it close enough so we can get back to it and far enough away so we can deal with this pain thing.

I forgot. We went to the pool last night and released some negative energy. This is new for the simple reason that be could not do that before as trauma was right behind it waiting to be processed. Starting the trauma processing is hard and always follows the memory coming into consciousness which is hard. Reality is that is what caused this hematoma.

This writing is pretty much drivel to keep our hand it. Least that is what it feels like. Part of it is the clay class is at 6:00 at night. Not our best time so we have to save energy for it.

Let me put it this way. I would not read this.

 

So

October 31, 2012

I saw one of my buddies that I have know for at least this lifetime. I showed him the bruise and he said I should go to the Dr. That is kinda like having Keith Richards show up at your intervention. So I called the Dr.

I expect to go through the hassle of getting and making an appointment sit in the office for a few hours and then have them tell me we have no idea and make a follow up appointment. I am not criticizing and I am good with medical help. I am not a tough guy. One reason my body is intact.

I really think this is all tied into the trauma. I think it part it has to do with all the stress positions I was put in and the number of times I had to go through that. One thing that is not often talked about with regards to the stress positions is that if left in them you suffocate to death. It puts a strain on the muscles that you breathe with and they give out. That is the real torture. That and coming back. Being in the position other than the breathing you body goes numb.

Fainting is the bodies natural way of cutting off the nerve receptors for pain. It is very much like when you get a painkiller and it feels a lot better and it is called breaking the cycle. I think my fainting response is messed up.

I know one thing with me an Dr is I give them my explanation as a possibility and as they have no idea they go with it. I am going to watch that.

I had a weird one the other day. I was speaking to a client and told him I expected that a pond that was located was just located incorrectly. He called me back and said I think that pond is just located incorrectly.

 

OK

October 31, 2012

We think we know what happens next. I once told my therapist “we are doing pretty good.” She said “I think you are doing good work. We were pissed at her as she was correct.

So what we have done in the past is work this hematoma thing out physically. Walking, working whatever. We dissolve it into our body. Then we “snap” we are off and running. We evaluate where we are at and start preparing for the what is ahead be it the horror of winter or if the winter looks good trying to figure out spring when Page was killed. It is complicated and depends on many many factors.

Much of it always was about who was going to mess up our plans. We were always on some kind of edge our whole lives. It was not perception that was the way it was and it was not just fate nor was it our choice. Trying to find a way to heal it was always dicey as we had to go to places where we were vulnerable.

So it is different now. We are not going to take off in hopes that external things like another degree or a better diet etc will make a difference. We know we have to process. We know we have to grieve. We do have to watch we are not yet physically healed. We do have to go back a bit and remember how we got here and adjust. We could use the tanning booth today. Thing is if we go right now we will have energy then we will not for clay class. We do have an issue with thinking we are doing better than we are due to the way we used to be. Pretty much we would leave trying to make our sister not dead for later. If things went well till spring and we might skip a few springs pretty much. We never had this the three years we lived in Fla due t0 the sun. It was a totally different dynamic.

Another thing we have always done is take our energy and do things for other people. We really do want to do that more. We need to take care of us first.

So we have a shot at having a OK winter and a good shot at having a good spring. We have a chance of a pretty good winter and an outside chance of having a great one.

Already this year is better than ones in the recent past. It is a bummer that our swimming got messed up. We did not plan on knowing that we had a twin sister and she she is dead.

Although it is so hard that our twin sister is dead it is a relief  know what is going on. There is a certain confidence in the knowing. Impossible to explain. Kinda like we now know what we are dealing with and it make sense. It makes no sense that she was killed of the way she was killed. It makes sense why we are like we are. Sometimes not often we feel like we can grieve and it will be like the other deaths. They are all different we are as Ok as we want to be with them. Perhaps we have been as Ok was we wanted all along. Or rather we were as Ok as it is reasonable to be given our life. It also shows we did well and we can more live that. Kinda like we did … and dealt with the murder of our twin sister.

There has always been a thing with us that well that was not that bad. It really was there is worse coming.

 

 

 

Until proven otherwise

October 31, 2012

The hematomas are from when I was sleepwalking and fell 16′ on to my stomach. What happened is I tried to climb out a window. I thought I was in a cellar. I was trying to escape before my sister was murdered in a way. It was all confused as I have been in lots of cellars right before someone was murdered. I have also been in cellars before being buried alive and such. In a way I was at both ends of the trauma.

What happened was my leg got caught I was hanging upside down. I know a lot about hanging upside down. The only thing I could do was to flip my leg up and go over backwards. There was not fear. I was able to flip around and landed pretty flat face down. I hit some metal that I had stored on the side of my house. I remember being still and wondering if the noise was heard. I remember the white pain of hitting the ground and not being able to breathe. So I saw no danger and walked around the house in the shadows. I saw a car and it was old enough for me to steal. I then figured out “Hey that is my car.” I went upstairs back to the bed where I had started sleeping from. Writing this has made my breathing easier. So I got up and knew what happened yet not why. I went to the doctors with the rib pain and told her what happened. I thought my ribs were broken. Pretty much I was brushed off and sent on my way. I know this was right before I went on a fugue to England.

The end result was whenever I went to see this Dr she dissociated and sent me to her nurse practitioner.

So I read Lizanne’s comment about was it an alter pummeling me. I do not dissociate and am a multiple. Say I find a drawing that I do not know how it got there. I can over time find who drew it and then I know how and where it was drawn. I have to piece together when with those that use time. So I did not think it likely that was happening although it did bear looking into. This is hard as  I never know what we will come across when doing such looking.

I do use logic when applicable.

I figured if we pummeled ourselves there would be a bruise on the outside. I checked and sure enough there is now are two bruises. One small one and one huge about a square foot. It is ugly and  it looks like and old bruise that is healing not a new one.

If we pummeled ourselves with enough force to cause this damage our hands would hurt. I do not really think we could get the leverage to hurt ourselves this bad. We have been over much with self injury and to date it has always been about what we saw happen to someone else. We are aware that if we are pummeling ourselves it may not be known as some of us do not want that information  The reason is simple. We need to deal with the real world.  If we end up in a emergency room again it is not OK to say we pummeled ourselves. It would be Ok in therapy and that may be why we are staying away.

We have a long long track record of all of us doing what is best. We do second guess a lot as is natural. Bottom line is this is hard and what we work on is making it so what is best changes.  If we are pummeling ourselves that the key is to make it best not to. We do not waste much time anymore trying to get rid of symptoms other than getting rid of the cause and the symptoms go away.

The whole sky is pink this morning. Makes the leaves on the ground look orange. Most beautiful.

We once put our fist through a wire reinforced piece of glass. We are Ok with that. It was best at the time. We don’t have to do it again. So if we are pummeling ourselves we will grieve that was best.

We are pretty sure we are getting better. We really are not sure.

There is the thing with the two different blood types. I have written a few experts on chimeras hoping by luck I will find someone who knows something. It does make sense that sometimes I produce blood that is not compatible and this causes the hematomas.

_____________

Sometime in clay class I am going to build something. I know I am going to use blocks that I make and the blocks will somehow be made up of spiral curves. A spiral curve is a curve that is not radial. Think a nautilus shell. We have a sense that it will be a ladder of sorts.

We are going to try the tanning bed. We are not sure we can get in and out of it.

Although this blog has been about this hematoma thing. It is not our real focus. It is just one piece of the puzzle.

 

 

 

Internalizing

October 30, 2012

I do not do this well. I can give you an example that I did do well.

I was a good skier. I learned how to do it. I cut apart skis and learned how they worked. I studied it. I watched other people. I would memorise the course by walking it backwards. I would find the gates in the course that were likely to upset my rhythm. I would compatibilize what it would mean to me to win. I would let go someone might beat me. I would have no fear.

Then I would internalize it. Which means go as fast as I can. That was all I did. There was not even purpose to going as fast as I could. One weird thing is at the end of the race there is nothing else to do.  Your momentum is set. Just to not fall down is all you have to do. So I would start to think of other things once I could go no faster. Drove people nuts. Same way with a test in school. Answers were done it was over for me.

In a way processing trauma is about internalizing it. I can go back and deconstruct it. I do not have to once it is processed. I really can go back to every ski race and tell you where most of the gates were and what the snow was like where I screwed up where I did well. I do not have to.

Another thing I internalized is doing a handstand. Every time before we walked in the door to our house we tried to do a handstand. We did not worry about how long it took or if we were successful  We did have to learn to empty our pockets. We did not do it most times we entered the house we did it every time. I have not idea how long it took. We ended up being able to climb the stairs. I so not remember how long it took or anything else about it. I could go back there is not need as I have internalized it.

Another example. Say I have to buy a car. I do what is needed and walk out the door and if you ask how much it costs I have no idea. It is not important to me I have internalized it. Drives people nuts. I also know what I need to know should I need to buy another car. Thing is it will be different as I bring a beginner’s mind to everything I can.

Now I am a multiple who does not dissociate. So when we internalize something it is not internalized for all of us. Some of us would not be able to do a handstand.

The reason this has all come up is we are learning to center clay on the potters wheel. We have tried it a few times and have been learning about it. We have also not listened to what is known about centering that is rubbish.  it takes years to master, you have to do it for 10 hours. The way to do it is just line up a bunch of clay until you get it. Bla Bla Bla.

Most importantly we will very likely pick it up fast and piss everyone off. We are working on how we want to deal with that. It will be funny if we do not pick it up.

Much of this is about multiplicity. There are many of us that go to the clay studio. They are different ones than go to the glass studio. This is an issue as we do not know the people that we met in the clay studio if we are in the glass studio.

Got Nothing

October 30, 2012

It is pretty weird round here. We have another hematoma developing or  it was there before

The only big decision is if we should go to therapy. That one is driving us nuts.

Going to take a salt bath.

The sun just came out. It is pretty weird all the leaves are mid nov due to the wind from the storm. Oaks and beeches keep their leaves well into the winter here. They lose some not all. Some birches keep a few.

Storm was pretty boring other than when the wind was in the top of the trees and not on the ground. On the ground it was like the air was rolling.

We know we need to rest. We know we need another big chunk of time to rest. We know it is hard to create the situation where we can rest.

It has been quite an autumn.

We got nothing

October 29, 2012

Not much is going on that I know of.

We are more OK with the way we are. Say the hype of the storm. We know it was hyped. Thing is our evaluation will not change no matter what the storm does. That is not what we mean by hype. That would be accuracy for us. To totally different things. We get how they are not seen that way by most people.

We had to go out and get a usb cable. Well we did not have to we did. It was fun. It is not much of a storm here. It was not predicted to be one here although it was hyped. 3″ of rain and 35 mph winds is not a big deal here. There will be some flooding caused by the leaves filling up the manholes. That happens every fall storm.

We do need to decide about therapy on friday.

Role Model

October 29, 2012

Just working this out.

First when someone says they want to be a role model I know them to be delusional. They have a higher opinion of themselves than is deserved and one I will never share.

Second is; it is not working now is it.

Third; if you are going to pick a role model make sure they are dead in case you find out what they are really like. One that is ancient to the point where it is myth and you can pick whatever you want seems to work. See Jesus.

Pretty much I do not need any role models as I want to be me. And it works.

All that being said I do have people that I notice something about and do learn from and do emulate what I see them as being. I knew a 90 year old man that still enjoyed the challenge of golf. He did not speak of past accomplishments or how it used to be. He put the ball in the cup with the fewest number of strokes. He still had the passion. Oddly he like me knew it was a game. Another 85 year old man who was legally blind could still beat me. Not someone I wanted to emulate. As an example we were playing in a tournament. It started to pour. I figured we would go in. He got out his rain gear and put on his golf glove for playing in the rain. I thought this was way cool. The old guy going for it. Here is the thing. He was just doing it as that was what was supposed to be done in his mind. There was no passion. He gave no consideration to me and that I had no gear. He was just to into doing what he thought was the way to do things.

Another thing about role models is teachers. Unless you want to be a government employee and mediocre at what you do then you have not purpose as a role model.

When you think about it think of yourself as a role model is conceded. As a general rule those that portend to be one are often hiding what they are really like.

_________

A gave a square marble to a guy today.  He is at the front desk at the hotel where I swim. We go back and forth often with trash talk. I did not really think about it and there was no purpose. He did not really know how to accept it. I do have the feeling I did a good thing. Just happened.

_______

I figured out going to the casino. It is Chucky Cheeses for adults.

_______

OK back to work. We really do not see us being able to go to therapy. First there is the risk of another hospital emergency visit. Therapy is intense for us. Second we are doing good work with out therapy. Third we are behind with everything and over extended. Part of it is we are playing with clay.

So we have been swimming and eaten. We are going to take a nap. We still have the bronchitis and hematoma to deal with. It is not linear at all. We often question if we are getting better or just convincing ourselves we are. We understand now that this is really nothing new. What is new is it is more connected. Many times throughout our life we have had to deal with this. We are used to it and know to well how to minimize it. In part we had to and in part me being in pain 0r sick was not part of my childhood. I and it was just ignored. It is pretty funny or rather interesting. My mothers knows I went to the emergency room, have bronchitis and have a hematoma. She is more worried about if I am going to be able to rake her leaves. This is only about me. It would be nothing for her to give me a chore as my brother could not do it as his back was acting up. Pretty much a way to dismiss me. I do not think this really has anything to do with me. I think it is tied into her selling me and my twin sister to MKULTRA and having my sister die. Somehow she accepts doing this by how she treats me.

It really was pervasive throughout my life. How many times they said “Well you have never been gone to bed hungry. They had to see what shape I was in a child and know I was suffering from malnutrition. Close to death my father made a slip and said “Well at least you never went to bed hungry at least not that we know of. I am pretty sure that my parents sold my sister and justified it as they could not feed us. My parents over the top talked about how hard their life was. It was not until I was an adult I figured out it did not match the other stories. Pretty much you do not have two golf memberships if you can not feed your family. You do not have professional photos taken once a year etc. What I just figured out is there are two stories and the golf etc I really overhear there is a separate narrative only for me. I thought it was just they could complain to me as I did not matter.

Well that was interesting. One of us just  called our therapist that happens and she is all good with it. She understood why we did not call her on fri when we were in pain etc. She did mention she was worried and was glad to hear from us when she did. It was 6 hours later. Not a rebuke. So as far as I know the rest are not good to go with our therapist. I do not go so I have no clue. Not my end of it.

So the therapist said thank you for the call and I think she understood. That is as good as it is going to get for me.

We are taking the oxy cotton to relax us. I is not for the pain. We get that it can do the opposite and has this time. We are all wound up. That is Ok we can take a nap and then go play with clay. The studio is open from 9 to 9 today. We know how lucky we are to have this opportunity. We also know we found it and in a way are part of making it able to happen as we are monitor in the glass studio. We also do contribute by being appreciative and letting that be known. We do not take it for granted. We were worried about the money. We are going to be able to use the open studio time.

When talking to our therapist we came to know there are many of us doing the clay. My end of it was the cover. “When we are doing the wheel that is all we want to do when we are hand building that is all we want to do. We just found out one wants to make a pattern on the PC. We just found out one wants to make a box and one wants to carve. Good to know.

 

 

Clay Class

October 28, 2012

We are going to the studio and work on the wheel. The work last night with the purple was integrating for lack of better words the ones that are normal. They pretty much get along as well as most people do.

We are not dumb it is different ones of us that work on the wheel than hand build. When we are hand building that is all we want to do and when on the wheel that is all we want to do. We are Ok with that for now. We have figured out a way to integrate the glass work.

So before we would take off and start over. In a way that is what we are doing now.

_________

We went to the glass studio. We figured one thing out that we kinda knew but did not know how big of an issue it is. There is a woman who is often in the clay studio. We do not like her. We thought it might be just her white hair. It was really nothing specific we just thought that id we give her an inch she will take a yard. She and I were the only ones in the studio. We figured it out. She is conceited and arrogant. She naturally hold back around me. Anyway we had to set her straight on a few things. It may just be that she is not very bright yet thinks she is. I did ask her a question about a pot I had finished. She started giving me instructions. Not wanted or needed. She even almost modified my work. That does not happen. I pretty much had to physically take the potters tool from her and tell her no. I did not bother telling her not to touch my work. I did not want discussion. I am getting better at that. Before I would have told her off now I just make her uncomfortable rather than being reasonable. Pretty much I am now manipulative with some people. It is like this. My instructor whom I like would never touch my work if I was there. She might see a break or something and repair it I do the same thing in the glass studio. That is OK.

I did OK with the clay. I expect I am doing well for a beginner. I would not know. I am having fun that is for sure. She had talk radio on. That is a not good thing in a art setting.  Often there is music being played. Those that understand always ask. The talk radio did interfere with my experience  Now I know it does it will not.

Making a pork roast and it smells good. Actually it smells like garlic which I like. We got a new meat thermometer. It is a instant read thing and a dial. We have been looking for one. We do not like the ones with the lights that come on.

The hematoma is healing nicely. It really helps to give it a light workout. We swam for about 15 min.

We feel pretty dull. We are pretty dull. It may just be that we are relaxed and do not know how to act.

The big storm is coming. We will  check in a bit now that it is close.

Back to the lady we do not like. Here is the real danger. We could get pissed and become better at throwing a pot than she is. Actually we will anyway it would be against our zen to do it as a competition.

Right now in this moment we want to call our therapist and tell her we do not want to see her for a while. We want to pretend that our sister is coming back or at least that she is alive and we will find her. It makes us happy to do that. We are not dumb this may change.

 

 

Ceramics class

October 28, 2012

I am taking a ceramics class. We are working out a lot of stuff. Some of it to do with our multiplicity and some the effects of out multiplicity.

This is going to sound conceited. We are going ahead with it as it is a big problem for us. We spent much time preparing for this class. We hung out in the studio and are very very comfortable there. We know where everything is and such. We know the instructor.

People think we are an instructor at the art center. This happens to us all the time. People for some reason think things about us that are not true. We are just going to accept that. We kinda thought it was that way for everyone. It is not normal. We do not understand why it happens as we no longer care. We are used to it.

We knew that there was going to be a problem with us taking the class. We knew people were going to be jealous. We figured it would come easy to us and it does. THAT IS NOT OUR FAULT.  We do not know why things come easy to us and we think they really do not. We do know somethings that make it at least look like things come easy. One is we had to figure much out by ourselves due to our experience in the cults and MKULTRA. We also have little fear of new things.

We also understand now that some have been studying pottery since we saw someone do it when we were 13. It is a kinda parallel processing thing. It is good for some things and not good for others. In a real way things come easy to us at first then it levels off and we are not good at taking things further.

So we were prepared for people being mad at us. Trust me it is a big deal to us. It is kinda like when the teacher used to say. “well we know the test was fair as Michael got all the answers correct. Even happened in college and people were always mad at us.

What we did not get is that we will be angry when people make shit up about our abilities. We get now some of us will be insulted as the worked really hard. We get now that people make shit up about us to explain their world. We do not do that and so we did not know other people did. Who knows why? Perhaps it is just we grew up knowing people are not what they appear.

So we have to figure out what to do when people make stupid shit up about us. We did kinda have a start on that. We really really like the instructor. Her and I just get on really well. So we are playing with the pottery wheel. We are not trying to make anything specific. We got this shape going and then had the bright idea of spinning it as fast as it could go and see what happens. Well some pieces flew off and some stayed and it looks real cool. So the instructor who we like said “So you must spin glass.” We do not. It was her making up a reason that we spun the clay.

One thing we do and how we learn is we really really love looking at other peoples work. So there is this cup this person is working on. It is awesome. We really just exclaim how we like it. We are not trying to accomplish anything. We are not trying to please the person. So here is the thing. Why it was so cool is she did a very unique texture. She used Ramaon Noodles and pressed it into the clay. Brilliant! What is way cool is she told us she does not mind if we use her idea. We love stuff like that. We told her not to tell anyone and let them try and figure it out.  Just for fun.

Over all what is going on is with the help of oxy cotton, having kitty (a real cat) waiting for our twin sister to come back and having us only be sad when with our therapist our sister is not dead and we can be happy and excited about life. 

So that is one problem we are working out with the ceramics class. One thing we do is deprecate ourselves. Another thing we do is not do things that we can. We find our own nitch so people do not get mad when we do things better than them. We did not know that. I guess it is a form of self sabotage. Deep down it is from guilt about those that we loved being killed. Reality with our sister is she was killed as we were better at things than she was. Actually that is what we were told. She was killed as she was the girl. 

So another thing we have an issue with is being teachers pet. Always been an issue with us. It will be this time also.

We are liking this oxy cotton to much. It does not have the same effect on us as it does most people. It does not depress us at all. It acts more like speed with us. Speed slows us down. Part of it we want the oxy cotton to be a problem. Nice to have a problem that we know what the problem is.  Or at least we thought we did. This is part of the illness thing. We are substituting the feelings of the oxycontin for the loss of our sister. I am not kidding when I say that we never had a twin sister. Right in this moment that is gone for us. It is not that she is not dead. Pretty much those that are out right now known nothing about the trauma other than ya something happened. 

So another problem with ceramicas class is people will start to probe. It is normal in a way. What is not normal is what they find out and that confuses them and they get mad at us for their confusion.  Then there is right now the dishonesty. Pretty much our life now makes no sense as to why we do the things we do. Hard to explain how much work and time healing from extreme trauma takes.  

Another problem with ceramics is we fit into well and this makes people angry. We show up for one class and are very comfortable.  People resent it. They are like I have been coming here for a long time and you just come in and find your place in the group right off and it is a better place in the group than me.

We are morphing into those from the winter when winters go well. 

Another thing that is specific to doing art is our brain works differently. When we talk or someone talks to us we are very specific and the holes in our experience really show up. We get really direct.

Pretty much we have to much fun and that pisses people off.

I will give an example. We once trained for a cross country ski race. We trained hard and we walked the course and had a strategy. We won.  You know what people said. “We figured you would”

Flat out the first night on the wheel we threw a plate and many people in the class will never be able to do that. All that is going on and we are living the horror that is our life. We had to work very hard just to be able to take this class and know where we are when we are done.

OK one thing that is very hard for some people with ceramics is centering the clay. Part of what we do is figure this out. That it is hard. We really are just going to worry about that until it is not hard for us. We are going to work hard at that so the rest is even easier. We get that we can not center the clay and what we did was a work around. We will take the time and effort to learn how to center the clay where most people will not and they will get frustrated.

We are on a roll right now. What we think is happening is part of our brain is shut off and all the energy is going to another part. We have all sorts of ideas for the ceramics. Some of them pretty neat. What happened before is some of us would show up and use the ideas and never know where they came from. We have written some skits for performances at church or school. We really thought it only took us 20 min.

So we have morphed now. We only need 6 hours sleep. We are some now that anyone would want to be. We get now that what it really is is that we have left part of us away. Thing is those of us that are out now without the others are fun to be and fun to be with they are just shallow is all. No that is not true. Others have set things up for those of us out now. It is what they do. We now go out and do things and then come back and tell the others. This came from the cages and the language that my twin sister and I used.

Another thing we get about ceramics is it really is all about the trimming. The throwing is the start of it. 

We have gone as far as we can with this. One thing we noticed is some were nervous about going to ceramics. Those of us that go are not because others were.

We had this ceramics class setup for after the illness was gone and therefore my twin sister was not dead as she never was.