Depression is the default.

October 23, 2016

It is not that anyone wants you to be depressed rather it is the easiest for them to deal with as it is a just is thing. If you are depressed then they do not have to deal with the cause of your distress. It becomes someone else’s and your problem.  No need to deal with the emotions that you had before you became exhausted and depressed. They do not have to deal with your anger or your sadness as you are just depressed and it will go away or you will lose your battle with mental illness.

They can not help you so they label you depressed. problem solved.

Most likely you are hurt. Very badly hurt and never had the chance to learn how to heal.


October 11, 2016

Been a wild summer with dealing with idiots.

We do not have the same physical reaction to things and therefore have less to cope with. This has in the past meant more memory work. We still have more to do it is not as intense. The murder by torture of Page the only person who knew me, my twin sister and my two brothers who were all killed really tore me up.  I was 9.

The living in cages etc until I was 6 and all the solitary and captivity after that makes healing hard.

Preparing for the long winter and lack of sun and light. It sucks.

Why naps work for healing. 

August 31, 2016

First healing is not fun and is hard work. So if one naps the result may be more work. That being said I think I understand why they work and why they are important. 
PTS is 24/7. It is physical. One is always adapting, fighting it off, trying to find a way to heal or healing. Even when doing any task and even when having what serves for fun. 
So if you stay up all day as is recommended you have spent the day dealing with PTS and you will
 process that day in a way consistent with being PTS. Not perceiving being in a traumatic situation which is often assumed by those that observe rather experiencing PTS. Assuming you are not perceiving danger or in danger.
Dealing with the world while experiencing PTS can be dangerous.  
So say you get up having processed the last PTS day and go out to breakfast and draw as I sometimes do and come home and take a nap. You then might be experiencing sleep when not worn our from a day of PTS. 
I have a few times slept though out the day and been tired at night. I consider that a good day although experts would see it as being depressed.
There is a weird dynamic about sleeping while healing from trauma. You are not refreshed. It is not that you are doing it wrong. It is just something that happens. I call it attaining a new level of sleep and when I attain a new level of sleep I am tired and need to sleep

A different way to look at PTSD

August 30, 2016

PTS could be seen as being caused by an incomplete experience. To complete the experience one must discover and explore how to complete the experience for them. Understanding that the world does not have way to heal rather has many ways that seem like a good idea yet do not complete the experience. In effect one much find a way to do what is not often done.

I understand that when in the throes of bringing traumatic memories into ones conciseness that this concept is not going to be helpful.

For us

August 15, 2016

Taking as a given that one can not heal under duress the following is needed for us to heal at the level needed. We can do hard work under many conditions. The deepest healing requires the following.

Enough light and sun. The two go hand in hand obviously. When the days are short the sun is at a steep angle and not out much so there is less sun energy to be had. It is more cloudy here when the sun is not out as much of the day, above and beyond the length of time the sun is in the sky. When there is not enough sun and the days are short our body adapts involuntarily and how what sun energy we do get effects us is different.

We also need warm and cool or cool and warm. It is what our body and brain needs. This can be exercise and the best is open water swimming.

With the above conditions we can sleep. Sometimes we sleep a whole lot and that is not depression it is us healing.

When we get these three things what is thought to be true pretty much follows. We want to stretch, we want to eat better we want to take care of ourselves.

It is also the easiest time to convince ourselves we do not need to do the work or that we deserve a break. It is also a time we want to do things and be with people.

This may just be us but once we have the situation what “starts” it for us is stretching our fingers and toes then our hands.  This takes a few days in good conditions and then we can move in from that. It is hard as we know the situation may not stay the same.

Anyway that is the base for us and everything else follows that.


New concept

August 13, 2016

Well not totally new.

We know that we can not heal with out enough sun and light. This could be put into terms related to the effects on the brain which has been measured. It could also be turned into the misunderstanding about vitamin D. pretty much vitamin D deficiency is a sign of poor health and not having enough sun. Eating vitamin D in a pill has no effect other than a different lab test result.

We have just discovered that we also need warm than cool temperatures.  If we have enough light and sun that exercise may be able to achieve. It is not that warm and cool temperatures.

For some reason AC does not work for us. Swimming does and so does a fan. It is not that warm and cool temperatures cause healing rather consistently hot or cold prevents it.

There is the work of therapy which is part of healing and then there is healing which is about being sad. Well that is the end of it.


Sneaking up on something.

August 5, 2016

It has been rough as of late. We have been grieving the loss of out brother who was tortured to death. That we understood. What we know know is we are starting to grieve the loss of Page who took care o us until we were about 4. She taught us to read and so much more. She love us very much. She was tortured to death on the same bench as my black brother or maybe by the same person. It is all confused.

There is a transference thing with our therapist. We hate transference.

We are multiple. We all have to grieve our losses. This is a very hard dynamic to deal with. Some of us are excited that some are grieving their loss. We know things will be better for them and us once they have done so. It interferes with the process of their grieving. They get pushed.

So we are back in therapy after pretty much not being in therapy for much of two years. We have been doing the work and we have been writing to our therapist.

Right now there is a push to go more often. It seems our therapist is Ok with this. We make our own decisions. Our therapist would never say we should see her more or less. Reality is she loves us and likes to see us. We love her and like to see her.

We have an appointment next Friday and for some of us it was a question of was that to early. Others of us want to go earlier. We have always gone with is some want to see our therapist and we can than we do. We have also gone with none of us have to go to therapy and if one wants us not to than we do not. It has served us well.

However we are not sure it is best. Well it would be best if there were not practical considerations. So we are confused and we have had enough confusion to last a life time and the last two years have been pretty much without a break.

So everything is all messed up right now. We have little to hold on to.

We are in transition of some sort that is for sure.

OK we just figured out that what is going on is we know when there is less light and there is less sun energy available we are going to suffer. We are multiple so there are many ideas on what should be done and not that will solve it. We should not have to adjust to the amount of light and sun so we do not suffer. That is wrong. 

We called our therapist and told her we would like to see her sooner than next fri. Not any big yank. Sorry I am from new england. This is new. It is also new that we want to see here as we do not want to deal with this planning for this winter alone. It is not about one of us or about processing or trying t figure out how multiplicity works we do not want to deal with this alone. It is not something we can share with anyone else as it is different if you have lived in cages. People would just turn it into something normal which it is not. My therapist and I have not worked on much that is at all of a practical matter. 

We are multiple. A lot of what is going on is transference between I our therapist and Page the girl who took care of us until we were 4. She was tortured to death. If the dark was not coming we would do this differently.


More on Panic attacks

August 3, 2016

The work on the panic attacks is going well. We expect as we have processed our trauma to this point and so our body can now heal. We pretty much solved the panic attacks at the level of those who study trauma when we were a child.

What we are doing is being aware that we are having a panic attack and going with it. It is hard especially of people are around. We notice our breathing is different and that there now is no reason for it to me.

As always it is Post Trauma for a reason. Thinking of panic attacks as being born during the trauma does not work for us. During the trauma our body worked different than it does post trauma.

We have zero use for the this is not and that was then thing. We go with what is happening now. We are now having a panic attack and there is a reason.

We also do not spend much time on triggers other than they are an indication of work to be done.

As an example. One example. We might be talking to someone and we notice our breath changes. That is pretty much it. We stay with knowing that. We do not try and manipulate it. We just go with it and it changes and what it changes to is right for now. Sound simple. It is not and it is hard work.

We are working on our breathing at other times and this is what is causing/allowing the panic attacks to happen. The work is standard in a way. Breathe through the nose. Sometimes consciously through the nose and out the mouth to calm down a bit.

What is not at all standard is the effect. The effect right now is panic attacks. There are times we stop breathing. Guessing like sleep apnea except we are awake. We have had sleep apnea since the trauma stopped.  Again we do not try and change the stopping breathing we just notice it and then it changes. We do sometimes make the breathing stop by how we position our body. Laying down and putting our arms over our head in a certain way causes it to happen and we “practice” breathing that way. We go slow with it.


Panic Attacks

July 30, 2016

I do not experience what others report as panic attacks. I have and the same physical experience it seems. I do think I am going to die and can not breathe. It feels like my heart is going to explode.

Before I ever entered therapy I had a few and they always came not when under stress but the opposite. Things would be going well and it looked like I could take some time off and such. I know now it was when it looked like the winter was going to be OK as things were set up so we could get through.

I never addressed the panic attacks in therapy as what was known about them did not apply.  It is not outside my experience that what is though to be true by those that study and those that follow them is not the case for anyone.

So it is called post traumatic stress for a reason. When I was 15 was the first time I was out of danger in that I had moved and there was a physical separation between me and the human traffickers.  I had my first panic attack. It was from seeing a root cellar. I thought I was going to die and was at my FOO house so I knew there would be no help. I laid down and learned how to breathe through it and that is what I went with for the most part when ever it happened. With out knowing it I kept things going fast so I never relaxed and had a panic attack.

I have been having them with quite a bit of frequency as of late.

We are wondering if there is more about panic attacks that we need to know before we were not in direct contact with the human traffickers.

We still believe that the traditional concept of breathing used by therapists is not applicable to PTSD.



July 29, 2016

It has been a hard go round.

I am multiple. I am back in therapy as we can physically handle the work that needs doing. It is to hard in the winter.

It is much about my brother who was murdered. There is on who was with our therapist today. I am multiple. He reached out and touched her hands and then cried. We are exhausted. We came home and slept.

We want this to be over.