January 6, 2017

I know this blog does not reach many people anymore. I also just found 44 drafts that were never sent dating from way back. I may publish them in bulk just so I have them.

Anyway I have not idea if this is just me or if it is related to CPTSD. I do not find the answer to be in medication. However I for a rash took Benadryl and at a later date took Clairatin (sp) and found it to be the best PRN I have ever taken. I have not taken anything other than caffeine and nicotine for over a decade. Before that I took them all and they almost killed me.

It is also makes me sleep.

I am taking it only for the rash. It is good to have it there although as a multiple there is not reason to expect it would always work or ever will again.

Just putting it out there so I do not feel like such a slacker.




The Impossibility of Multiplicity.

January 2, 2017

Last night one was cold and I was not. We hugged Kitty and he warmed up.


December 27, 2016

Work has been going along. It is very very hard. We are working still on our time in captivity. Pretty much until we were 6 and often after that. We have reactions to light and sun that we would not have without the captivity. As for us it is a life long think it is hard.

One huge issue is recovery. There is not enough sun in New England where I live to recover. If we work real hard we can get totally sun deprived in October.

We work real hard at getting enough sun and it is all but impossible. We drove three days to get sun a week ago. Just so you know driving south at the winter solstice during a polar vortex event might not be the best. Smile

We learned a lot and expect it will serve us well in the future. We do know if we have three days of sun we can regroup as long as we get sun and sleep right after. We are doing the same thing here and it helps a lot.

We know sometimes it is all about being sad. That we can not be sad and recover if we do not have enough sun. Lots else has to go well.

It is all about sleep and w can not sleep unless lots goes right and then we are sad. 16 years we have been working on that. We still expect to be done. We are now 61 and sometimes feel our best years are ahead of us. We expect to feel better than we ever have before. We have come a long way that is for sure. We are not anywhere anyone should be.

Journey on,




November 29, 2016

Working on my brother who died when we were punished for me sneaking our of my cage and getting sun. We were tied to the ground. He died I almost did. Much of it is about guilt.

Process does include seeing our therapist again. It is hard as there is not enough sun energy to be had to do this level of work.


Depression is the default.

October 23, 2016

It is not that anyone wants you to be depressed rather it is the easiest for them to deal with as it is a just is thing. If you are depressed then they do not have to deal with the cause of your distress. It becomes someone else’s and your problem.  No need to deal with the emotions that you had before you became exhausted and depressed. They do not have to deal with your anger or your sadness as you are just depressed and it will go away or you will lose your battle with mental illness.

They can not help you so they label you depressed. problem solved.

Most likely you are hurt. Very badly hurt and never had the chance to learn how to heal.


October 11, 2016

Been a wild summer with dealing with idiots.

We do not have the same physical reaction to things and therefore have less to cope with. This has in the past meant more memory work. We still have more to do it is not as intense. The murder by torture of Page the only person who knew me, my twin sister and my two brothers who were all killed really tore me up.  I was 9.

The living in cages etc until I was 6 and all the solitary and captivity after that makes healing hard.

Preparing for the long winter and lack of sun and light. It sucks.

Why naps work for healing. 

August 31, 2016

First healing is not fun and is hard work. So if one naps the result may be more work. That being said I think I understand why they work and why they are important. 
PTS is 24/7. It is physical. One is always adapting, fighting it off, trying to find a way to heal or healing. Even when doing any task and even when having what serves for fun. 
So if you stay up all day as is recommended you have spent the day dealing with PTS and you will
 process that day in a way consistent with being PTS. Not perceiving being in a traumatic situation which is often assumed by those that observe rather experiencing PTS. Assuming you are not perceiving danger or in danger.
Dealing with the world while experiencing PTS can be dangerous.  
So say you get up having processed the last PTS day and go out to breakfast and draw as I sometimes do and come home and take a nap. You then might be experiencing sleep when not worn our from a day of PTS. 
I have a few times slept though out the day and been tired at night. I consider that a good day although experts would see it as being depressed.
There is a weird dynamic about sleeping while healing from trauma. You are not refreshed. It is not that you are doing it wrong. It is just something that happens. I call it attaining a new level of sleep and when I attain a new level of sleep I am tired and need to sleep

A different way to look at PTSD

August 30, 2016

PTS could be seen as being caused by an incomplete experience. To complete the experience one must discover and explore how to complete the experience for them. Understanding that the world does not have way to heal rather has many ways that seem like a good idea yet do not complete the experience. In effect one much find a way to do what is not often done.

I understand that when in the throes of bringing traumatic memories into ones conciseness that this concept is not going to be helpful.

For us

August 15, 2016

Taking as a given that one can not heal under duress the following is needed for us to heal at the level needed. We can do hard work under many conditions. The deepest healing requires the following.

Enough light and sun. The two go hand in hand obviously. When the days are short the sun is at a steep angle and not out much so there is less sun energy to be had. It is more cloudy here when the sun is not out as much of the day, above and beyond the length of time the sun is in the sky. When there is not enough sun and the days are short our body adapts involuntarily and how what sun energy we do get effects us is different.

We also need warm and cool or cool and warm. It is what our body and brain needs. This can be exercise and the best is open water swimming.

With the above conditions we can sleep. Sometimes we sleep a whole lot and that is not depression it is us healing.

When we get these three things what is thought to be true pretty much follows. We want to stretch, we want to eat better we want to take care of ourselves.

It is also the easiest time to convince ourselves we do not need to do the work or that we deserve a break. It is also a time we want to do things and be with people.

This may just be us but once we have the situation what “starts” it for us is stretching our fingers and toes then our hands.  This takes a few days in good conditions and then we can move in from that. It is hard as we know the situation may not stay the same.

Anyway that is the base for us and everything else follows that.


New concept

August 13, 2016

Well not totally new.

We know that we can not heal with out enough sun and light. This could be put into terms related to the effects on the brain which has been measured. It could also be turned into the misunderstanding about vitamin D. pretty much vitamin D deficiency is a sign of poor health and not having enough sun. Eating vitamin D in a pill has no effect other than a different lab test result.

We have just discovered that we also need warm than cool temperatures.  If we have enough light and sun that exercise may be able to achieve. It is not that warm and cool temperatures.

For some reason AC does not work for us. Swimming does and so does a fan. It is not that warm and cool temperatures cause healing rather consistently hot or cold prevents it.

There is the work of therapy which is part of healing and then there is healing which is about being sad. Well that is the end of it.