Archive for May, 2010

The Painting

May 31, 2010

We have a painting that we are going to do in therapy. We have been working on it in our head for a few days. It is a illustration used in the programing.

It was seen as “The Painting” it is now seen as a painting. There are so many of us and we all express in different ways that there is no way we can all be physically part of doing the painting.

It helps to know that this is a painting.

We have little training or experience with all this. We seem to have the talent. Makes it hard when there is so much to learn.

We really do not want to do it and not give it an honest shot.

We are debating if we should not just go with finger paints. We really want something that we can keep and frame if it comes out cool.

We know we are going to use our fingers. We are thinking acrylic.

Staying Present

May 31, 2010

Much of my childhood I was near drowned in cold water. Over exerted and then water thrown on my neck so my body would shut down.

The way temperature effected me afterwards was much different from most people. I spent one winter in moccasins with no socks. And I was hitching  for transportation. I just plain was not cold.

I went swimming this morning in a lake. I am typically a dive in type. I did not this time. I stayed present rather than just going away until I was warm. It made a big difference. A positive change.

Geting better at telling.

May 30, 2010

I told someone about the being multiple, the cults and MKULTRA. I am getting better at that. We will see if they change the way they act.

Ones that are small

May 30, 2010

We do not see those from 3 1/2 and later as small. We never have. It is a relative thing. They are not small compared to the others. There is also the dynamic that those after 3 1/2 had some sort of chance to be and develop.

We know a little about one who is 2. There are many that go with him.  It is not as if they have not been working all along and I mean our whole life. It is how they are working that is different.

A day of therapy right now is a four day thing. We expect that to change. The important thing about making that change is nutrition. Pretty much we are growing together as much as our body will allow.

We are pretty beat up right now and are working on recuperating. We are going back to some of the old ways as a way to get through this.

Big Change

May 29, 2010

That the one who used to stutter no longer does is huge for us. He is 2. Now that he can express with out the brain hesitation it is much easier. Even with silent internal communication it is easier as he has the option of speaking.

We strongly suspect that this will make expressive therapy much easier.  No matter how we tried there was always talking that needed to be done. You can only point the therapist around so much.

There is also much less worry about doing something before the opportunity has passed. There is much less worry about some being forgotten for ever. What we used to call disappearing never was and never will be.

The therapudic relationship.

May 29, 2010

I know how it works. It is so confuted  it makes others seem easy. Kinda like hitting your self in the head with a hammer as it feels so good when you stop. Smile

Creating New Host

May 29, 2010

When we decided to create a new host it was pretty scary. Can’t exactly Google what to expect. It is kinds counter intuitive for us as we always knew we were going to integrate.

It was a good thing. It helped bring those that can create hosts into the work of therapy that is the most important thing. It helped us understand how it all works. As a practical matter it helps with the day to day stuff.

The new host pretty much has no responsibility for results. That is not his gig. He says NO a lot. When all we can do is guess he makes the guess. Not as quick as some of us would and not as slow as some of us would.

He is on the unemotional side of things and that is from where he makes his calls.

He identifies himself in writing to our therapist by writing Hello. It can be right in the middle of an e-mail. I don’t think he talks out loud. Maybe he does. Yep he does. He says hello to our therapist. I did not know that.

I often wonder if our therapist does not know more about who we are than we do. I do know it is messed up if she makes a mistake or we think she makes a mistake.

Crying out of the sides of our eyes

May 28, 2010

This has happened before. Not like this. Usually we are just driving along and we notice it happening.

It feels to some of us that we are starting over at best and just starting at worst.

This is about the ones from before 3. We don’t know much about them. We know a lot about what happened go them.

Usually we do a lot of guessing it is how we worked. A way of discovery. This does not lend itself to that.

I am aware that our therapist was on the other side of the wall for the first time. We have gone over to her side before not in a long time.

Pretty much we were a poly multiple before we were 3. This was done by a person who was in a multi-generational cult and a multiple. She was also working for MKULTRA.  Preparing me for the MKULTRA training later.

It seems what happened is she created all these partitions and then the behavioral scientist in MKULTRA did not really know how it all worked.

The after 3 took 7 years to deal with. After 3 it was less intense and with the behavioral scientist for the most part and they did not know what they were doing.

There are at least three cults involved. The first we call the rich one. The second we call the violent one and the third we call the crude one.

They were all kinda similar.

Then there are the ones that could best be described as molesters.

Then there is the spy school

Then there is the military camp.
This is what I know about the PoM’s that is what we are calling the ones before 3 Parts of Me

At least one is invisible

There are some from the Zodiac.

There is Peter and the twins. Peter can not know anything about the twins. That was the plan. That is from Peter Pan.

There is something about a white snake that I know nothing about.

There is something with Alice and Wonderland.

Just found out the things with the Poppies in the Wizard of Oz is about the sleep programing.

There are the dolls.

There are the Russian Dolls.

There is the metal training

There is the Jewel Training.

There are the coins.

There is the crystal ball

There is the Tarot cards

There is the photo graphic memory training.

And there is all the trauma.

I know that is not all of it.

That is just before 3.

Before we would get all excited about having the answers. We are just plain weary now.

We are hoping our therapist will quit. Give us an excuse.

We know we are not even done with the trauma before 3.

Power in the Cults

May 28, 2010

It seems that the most powerful man in the cult controlled the psychopaths. Makes sense when you think about it. If you control a person who is just looking for a way to kill then you will be feared.

I was in training to be many things in the cult. It seems to be a thing with them that they want everyone to be like them. The programmer wanted me to be a programer. The one who controled the psyopath wanted me to learn how to do that.

The psychopath was different. He wanted someone to be with him he did not care about anyone being like him.

Money and opertunities were a big thing in the cult. Being able to give people jobs and such was a way to control.

The one that was the most powerful even promised me an inheritence.

Why I hate parades

May 28, 2010

It tends to be hot. My hippo campus developed to deal with the extreme temperatures I experienced as torture before and after I was 4. It has changed by the way which is a good thing. The meds damaged it further.

I hate the swords they remind me of the ones used in ceremonies. I hate the uniforms as they were used in ceremonies and the spy school. I hate the uniforms that I had to wear in the spy schools. I hate the asshole abusers riding there little cars. I hate the abusers at the front of the parade. I hate the abusers riding in the police car. I hate the abusers riding in the fire trucks.

I hate the guns the one I fired and the ones fired at me.

I hare the fucking drums which were used often.

I hate going to the ceremony at the cemetery where I was tricked into burning the cat.

I hate marching down the street where I have stored all the memories.

I hate that I am there because I have to be when what I really want to do is sleep.

I hate that everyone is pretending everything is great.

Most of all I hate that I am left out and always will be as I want to be left out. I do not want any part of that rubbish. Frankly I would rather be angry