Archive for September, 2012

Rough

September 30, 2012

It is pretty rough right now. We are going to the tanning booth and for a swim.  We are not sun deprived like we can get. We are wondering if it is not our reptilian brain telling us well this is not that bad as it does not know it can be better.

Part of it is our “deep” processing is interpreted due to things getting in the way. Not things that are abnormal or even that difficult. Just made hard due to needing to do the work of trauma.

Over all we are doing better and have a sense of where we are going we just don’t like the look of it.

Way it is going now.

September 29, 2012

The processing is done alone and at night in bed. This makes sense as we are processing a time when we lived in a cellar.

When we process it is intense. Our body goes pretty crazy. It hurts a lot. It is not as scary now as we are used to it and have faith in it. It does effect how our day goes as you can not be in pain and have it have no effect. It has more of an effect now that there are fewer of us.

We understand now what is going on is in a way going over what we experienced in the cages when alone. As far as we know I my sister was always in the left cage if you were laying on your stomach. The way it worked for us then was if we were at the door of the cage we were waiting for our twin to come back. If Page the girl that took care of us came down into the cellar we would both move to the front of the cage. Anyone else we would stay in the back.

So if I am in bed and put my feet where my head usually is we are waiting for our twin sister. If my head is on the pillow and I am on my right side than I am kinda the me most people know. If I am on by left side than I am my twin sister. That is where the three comes from.

This is how we are processing. Then during the day we deal. This is a learned thing that we achieved through expressive therapy. It is very very hard.

Our body does not like this processing at all. It is also very very weird and outside on known medicine. We can have what would be called a cold for a few hours. We have one right now. During the night our body temp drops and that can happen during the day.

We really know how to do all this and what needs to be done. It is about creating a situation so we can do it. It is still about discovery we have more of a base now. It is not as chaotic as it was to get here.

I write in part so we all know what is going on. In part as we write and we understand we know what we are doing. It is hard to deal with the real world as we are not doing the same thing as most people in the real world.

It is hard as a multiple a some of us know that others are going to grieve their loss and then we will all move on. Does not help those that need to grieve.

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We are having issues with some loving others of us and it not being ok with those that are loved. Same thing with being important. We all think all others are important and love them it is when they love the others or think they are important that the conflict comes. This is just something to be aware of right now.  The trauma and loss is what is in the way.

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We are well aware that those that are writing now are intellectualizing. That is what is needed right now.

Ends and Odds

September 28, 2012

It is weird with directions when we go somewhere now. We often just know rather than have to ask one of us.

It rained and so we did not have to go to a job site. We slept most of the day and will sleep well tonight.  We think you should not be that tired and still be going to job sites. We get we are very good at that.

There are some of us that are waiting for out twin sister to come back. In a way they are still in the cage. It is accepting that and not giving it words that needs doing.  It happened when we were three. There are no words.

Reporting

September 27, 2012

Was in field all morning. Went to therapy, Some where out that have not been there. They determined they are weird and did not know it. We pretty much were phoning it in and knew we were going to.

At the end a hug was happening with our therapist. One said “We still love you we just had to go away.”

Our therapist knows some of us better than some of us do.

She was told by one about what happened to my sister. It was not like it happened to someone else rather it did not happen. It is a multiple thing. No dissociation involved.

It is not about what is wrong with me

September 27, 2012

It is about what happened to me that was wrong.

Alternative view on Panic Attacks

September 26, 2012

I do not have “classic” panic attacks. I do have something similar. I wonder if they are not really the reptilian brains not knowing the current size of the body. Hence the change in breathing.

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We are doing better that is for sure. We are not physically able to go to the lake right now. It is just to hard to deal with the cold water even in our wet suit. The pool is broken and will not be open for 10 days. This time last year and for years before this would have been an emergency. One that if we did not solve would mean a whole winter of horror. We are pretty sure now we can adjust. We are not positive we will be OK.

In the interest of completness

September 26, 2012

We now know that some of us from the cages can not  be unless we are laying down or swimming. It is an association thing with being horizontal. It is tied into sleep and all sorts of things.

It is time

September 26, 2012

It is now time for all of us to have positive experiences through effort. It was not before. We did have fun and such it is different now. It is not well we are going to have fun and forget about our sister being  dead and we will never see her again.  It is not the get some adrenaline that we did before. We still want out adrenaline just not in the same way.

Reporting

September 26, 2012

it is just plain easier to be me. Not the clap trap of any theory. We think it is much about we know why for so many things now that we know about my twin sister.

It is not that we are more me or acting more like my true self. It is just easier. We knew a mad that was one of the first ones to have the hammer operation in his ear and he could hear for the first time. He was working for me and came into my office in tears from the effect. I told this story and someone said “Do you think he was overwhelmed.” Clap trap. I said I think it was a unique experience.

I am already for the religious people. I do not know and I do not believe anyone else does. That is very defensible and I can always go back to that. I never lose and argument about religion. I just now have an easier way. I am not about being a lump and just having people yap at me and let it go unanswered. Just not who I am.

We are tired as yesterday we tired ourselves out with purpose. We did not get home till late as we went to pick up a snow blower. It happened to be in the city where we used to go when we went to the city after we stopped living in the cages.  We did have some memories of being taken there to the hospital to be shipped etc. We also had memories of when we worked on the farm outside of the city and they were good memories. If we needed to be engaged we would have been OK with that.

We get now that we get along with most people as we are nice and that we can do that and protect ourselves from the pushy people. We have no issue with danger it is just the pushy people that want to overlay their beliefs on reality and drag me into it. I may come to just ignore them. Not until that is what is best.

We made some marbles and a person who was a beginner in glass the same time we were came to open studio. That was nice.  There was another person who was there that we do not like. We can deal. She is just pushy. She asked if she would watch me make a marble. That is not what she meant. She meant will I teach her to make a marble. I do not want to teach her. I told her I was not an instructor which I am not. She is pushy she will ask again. She is one of those people that will wait for an opening.

We get more now how we see time. It is impossible to explain. We noticed that with the glass open studio we saw it kinda like litmus paper. With a blue line at when the open studio might end. It was not totally up to us as we could not leave until everyone else did.

We have a checklist for closing the studio now. That is much easier for us. There are a lot of steps and it is nice to check it all off and then we are done. The person who came to the studio that was a beginner with us noticed and commented it was well organized. That is our doing. Knowing we had a base to tune up.

We are ready for winter outside which is a big deal for us. It feels good and we have not been ready for years.

We have therapy tomorrow and it is at a different time and different day. That is not important to us anymore. It is the first time we have wanted t0 go in a long time. We will never have and issue going due to fear. Our life experience do not allow that to happen. We have a realistic sense of danger and what to do about it.

 

Reporting

September 25, 2012

This post is not processing it is more of a record of what is going on.

We have been running on empty. We knew that and wanted to keep going. Before it was necessary for us to be under some kinda distress as I am multiple. if my body is not under some distress than my brain can not bring the trauma from our reptilian brain to our consciousnesses.  That seems to be gone and we can pace. Pace not being a this is all nice now.

We have had a thing our whole life about being sick. Those who have lived with us state “no one gets as sick.” It lasts about three days if we can just do nothing. It is kinda like a cold in the upper part of out chest. If the world requires that we keep going than it can develop into a chest cold. Here is the thing. We can schedule it. We know it is coming and have often put it off for weeks until a long week end.  A successful year was when we put it off till next year. No idea if that meant it was just worse next year. A good year was when it worked out so we could deal with the disruption. What usually happened is we put it off and then it happened anyway. We would be sick and then “snap” and off we went.

There is a lot to it with weather and setting the clocks back etc. It is all about the death of my twin.  We do not have other sick things like many people do. We do not get sick from stress in the now. We do not get sick after or before we go on vacation etc.

What can happen is we put it off and then we have it in the spring which is when the girl that took care of us was killed. Or we can have both of them.

The swimming and immersions and using the hot tub was both a way to put off this sickness and learn what was causing it.

We have pretty much been sickish since this spring.  Our brain was “triggered” when we were using a stand up paddle board and lost our balance and dived into the cold water.

Our twin was our sister. It was not really confused it was how we saw her when we were three. We had spent most of out time in a cage in a cellar and did not really have much language. She was called a Joey. Which is slang for the baby that is going to be killed in the twining that the cults do. We had to go back in our photographic, video memory.  It is in part that I had a baby brother who was not killed.

It is hard to explain we know when we have our memory correct to where it needs to be. It is a just knowing. We are not yet sure of our sister was our twin or a baby that was used. We know she was in the hospital with us. We know she was killed. We know we were together in phonographic films and photos. We know we love her and miss her.

As a multiple we all have different understandings. It is pretty easy for us to understand that our parents would give us up as long as they were promised it was for our own good. We had a harder time with their giving up a girl as my family is all about my sister and my father. It makes sense they would not want two girls. Make sense in they would not want another one. Someday we need to go and check if there is a birth and or death certificate. We will not go until it makes not difference what we find.

The way it works is this does not “change” everything. We still have the same love. It was not that we were confused we just have more information now.  Some of us who thought of our twin as our brother will adjust. Some who thought of out twin as our twin will have to adjust. Some did know her as out sister it was hard work all around to listen to them. In part as it required the use of our absolute memory.

She was to be killed at exactly  the same time we were born. Some screwed up thinking about souls and power.  There was a horrid ceremony and then she and I were in the cages. The father of the cult came down and tried to break her neck.  She did not die. He was angry and high on something. The women were in charge and they would have told him he had to do it. He slit her throat and she died in the cage beside me. I am not going to go into what happened with her body other than to say there was another ceremony with her head and I was the one who cleaned her head up for this ceremony.  My hair had been cut now and again. Hers was not.

There was an onslaught of trauma after my sister was killed. Pretty much a solid year and a half. It is important to know that in our case we were being “prepared” all along for the MKULTRA program. It is not outside the realm of possibility that our mother was part of the program that created twins medically as part of the navy’s MKULTRA program. It is so important to know this was all funded and all those involved thought we were going to be some super being.

So we are breathing easier.

I write for the most part as a recording for me and so we all know what is going on. There is no way that anyone has the context to understand on any meaningful level. My therapist can be with me as her and I have a real relationship. It is as far as I am concerned a testament to the power of discovery and processing trauma.  It is not easy. It does make everything else easier and makes it possible for us to experience things in a different way which is better for now.

We are not dumb. This means that we now start all over. We have open glass studio in a few hours. We are going to just make some marbles and use up our glass. We are going to give them to someone who will take them to children in Kenya.

We are still going to call her Joey. When we used her name it did not mean the same thing to us as it did to her. We see our therapist on Thur right now we want to see her.