Archive for June, 2013

Guilt

June 30, 2013

We have carried the guilt of Jake’s death with us. It is the deep guilt of the reptilian brain that the new offspring are to be protected.  It got all turned around by our thinking and our loss.

It is deeper than that we did not save him and so many others. It is that we were responsible that we somehow by being who we are caused it. Reality is had we not tried to save him than he likely would have been quickly killed by Paul. Quickly being relative to what happened to him.

The internet does help. There is a story today that a judge accepted a plea bargain for a father who took his son to other countries to be raped. The judge says it is to much for a jury. I can not find the story. It is not front page news. Reality is the judge is protecting himself and his vision of the world and is perpetuating abuse.  He thinks he is god and not just a judge. There is a lot of protecting the public to protect the illusion that those in power need to hold on to.  The father said he was sorry and loves his son. I personally think it would be helpful for the public to be aware. Anyway that is what I meant by the internet is helpful. It lets me know that those that I had to be with do exist in this world. Not that I did not know in a way I can prove it.

So we are still ill. We have always had this thing where we say we will be all better by tomorrow. We do not know if it is just how we perceive time or what it is. Right now we believe if we rest and get enough sun we will be better by tomorrow.

We are learning a dance. There is a National Dance Day on July 27 Sat. Google Dizzy Feet.  It is hard for us. We downloaded the video from youtube using a free program called iLivid. That way we can watch it over and over. It will be the first dance we know complete. We know some of the routines in Zumba. Not they way we will know this one as we can do it alone. I can not upload the files as it is a video. If anyone wants a copy just e-mail me or leave a comment. I have data use issues so I can not just keep watching Youtube. I have downloaded it to my phone. We are having fun with it.

Now the guilt would have been there for sure. It is made harder as the superintendent brow beat me mercilessly.  I do not really know why. It is not like some people who enjoy it. It really feels like my love for Jake was an affront to him. He seemed to somehow want to take it from me. I can give you an example of a psychopath that I knew.

I was on a job site and the psychopath offered me  a piece of chocolate cake. I told him I do not like cake but Gus would really like it. He said I know that is why I bought it. It on some level made sense to him.  He had nothing against Gus or anything. Just Gus wanted the cake and so he bought it so Gus could not have it.

I have the first section of the dance learned. That is pretty cool.

We did remember that we needed to eat today. We are still ill not as bad. We learned the one section of the dance and then went to sleep. It was not a clunk.

So when we get sun deprived and ill we do not get enough sun. It is hot and humid our or cold and we stay inside thinking we are resting.

We wanted something easy to do and something that we could finish today. There was a spot on our hat from Ecuador and so we embroidered a design on our hat. It went well. The thread is cheap. Was an issue with the needle having a blunt point and not being able to go though parts of the band so we had to sharpen one. We pretty much just went for it and figured we could always rip it out and do it when we were not sick. We like it.

SAMSUNG

We pretty much have done what we can to be over this being ill. We do have a shot at waking up and feeling all better. We will see. Even if this takes a few days it will be an improvement. Actually it already is.

Ill

June 28, 2013

We are ill. Just a result of how hard this work is.  Before we would have said we pushed too hard. That is not true. That being said it is our responsibility to do what we can to keep from being sick.

It is really our immune system kicking in.

Tomorrow we are going to just eat better and see what happens. We need to keep that in our head as it is possible with our body that if it thinks it is going to be taken care of the immune system with change.

We have been doing a lot of processing about Jake and we know there is something really messed up and we think it is a time thing. We think this is over time and we experienced it as one chunk of time.  We spent so much time in so may different places it is hard. We do know the location of one place. Least we know the area. We think we were very close to some lake. We think we used to walk there with Molly and Wendy. We used to call it going to the desert.

We think there may have been two Wendy’s. We know we worked as a prostitute with a Wendy. We think sometimes at the fairgrounds. The reason for the fair grounds is it is deserted most of the year. If you have the key to the gate than you can lock it behind you.

One reason we got sick was not seeing our therapist.  We really hate to show up at her office when it is obvious we are beat to shit so we watch it better. If we do not see her we do not notice.

This is hard.

Stuff

June 27, 2013

It is easier to deal with stuff now. Some of it is luck and some of it is we are dealing will less on a sec to sec basis.

We have not really learned any new way as far as stuff goes.

We do have more time each day that we have for years. We have done zero with time management changes. We are just awake more of the time and not as beat up when we are awake.

We are getting better and better at recovery time.

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We went to therapy. We had no numbers and got messed up with the time. It worked out as we happened to mess up in the direction where we were early. Just luck. We went to therapy and it was rough. We do not see our therapist next week and she forgot to tell us. She needs a vacation. We are not easy to deal with as far as scheduling goes. We sometimes do just not understand about dates and such and there is no way for her to know when that is. Her and I do very well considering.

What we call clunking is narcopsy. It is a big part of this and got worse after Jake was killed. We learned how to deal with it. Pretty much we can tell when it is going to happen most of the time. Thing is preventing it keeps us from healing. We clunked on the way home driving. That is not OK. We once ended up crashing a car through a guardrail and into a river.

We know a lot more now about Jake and more is coming all the time. We really have no way to heal from all this. We are in the middle of discovering a way. It is hard as much of what we did with the other processing was about keeping this processing from happening so we could do the other processing. Not our fault.

Some are with our therapist who have not been before. They have been in the room not with her. We know we will get through this and heal. It is very frustrating right now. Not the least of which is we thought we were much closer to being done that we were.

We think that some are upset that we are not going to see our therapist next thur. and we need to honor that frustration rather than just say she needs a vacation. Lots of that is happening where others are upset and the rest of us inherit a upset body and to not understand.

This is crazy hard.

Reality is we have failed at this many many times including with appropriate therapy. We really have no idea what to do at this point. So we do nothing. We may be sun deprived.  It was a draining session.

I think the best we can do is get our head right for Zumba Mat.

Went for a swim in our wetsuit so we floated. We were to tired to really swim. It was good for us. We are having more memories about Jake. For a while it was OK and Molly, Wendy and I t0ok care of Jake. This was after days of no food for Jake or us as the superintendent who was a physicist in the Navy/Marines was angry and drunk and or high most of the time. It was a set up with the end being me the only one taking care of Jake and being horrified to the max. Trying to get me to hate Jake and not care about him.  I had to trade getting raped so that I could get food for Jake and I. I have no idea where I slept. Assuming it was not good.

Just so you know we are very careful about not making this worse than it really was. The reason is we do not what to have to correct.

 

 

 

 

Rough Night

June 26, 2013

We think it is just about our body adjusting. We did not sleep well I do not think although we seem to be more rested than usual this morning. We are hungry as we did not eat supper.

Lets review. In the last week we have brought Molly and her baby into consciousness in a new way and have also come to understand that we were not with our FOO for much of the summers as we thought we were.  That is a lot to go through.

We are not sure that the bike trip is now best. We have a strong sense that what we need to do is get some to therapy and the bike trip is more about how we left some away after Molly was killed. It may be that the bike trip had done what it needs to do. Right now it seems the thing to do is to do a different bike trip. Maybe ride to Zumba although we know it is not this morning. It is hard as we are not sure that we are not doing the bike trip as it will be too intense. It feel right now like we can do the bike trip anytime and there is one who needs to be in therapy.

We have a very big hole in time and it is going very well. We really do not want to waste it. Well we know we will not waste it we want to use it the best way possible.

Those of us that would do the bike trip are OK.

I think the bike trip is off for now. It is more important that others are with our therapist.

As always it is about grieving. We loved Jake. 

Learning how to ride our bike which was difficult with no help and the bike was too large was how we dealt with our loss of Jake. Our reality was we knew there would be more babies killed.

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Processing what happened to me is and was hard. What happened to those I love is what is important to me. It is what hurts the most.

It is funny what we go through. We always have the thought of calling our therapist and telling her to be prepared that it is going to be brutal next time we see her. We never do. That would be too much pressure for us. Reality is she knows. She does not know what is coming. She knows now that we are sad. She gets that what happened to us is not what really really hurts although it hurts bad enough.

This is as close as I am going to come to doing processing real time. I can go with no one else is going to come as close. 

I do not know how long ago. Guessing two hours I laid down and went into a state where things can be processed. We then knew a lot more. NO we were writing here and started crying. We would have clunked if we were not right by the bed. Some would call it Narcoposoy. After Jake was born the superintendent was angry.  He was military just figured that out. He did not get a off the wall angry like some of the other killers. He was a sniper for the marines. He was angry as the baby was black. He wanted a baby to raise and not make the mistakes that those in MKULTRA made. Can not do that with a black baby in the 60’s. He said. “Well that is one for Paul that is the name of the psychopath that he ran with. He was never in the cults he just connected with them to get children for the MKULTRA program. That makes sense. 

He meant that Jake was to be given to Paul to torture and kill. I said “Can I have him.” I wanted to save Jake. I knew that to the superintendent Jake was not human and could be given away. ‘He said sure until Paul comes picks him up. I was 9. I took jake to the kitchen sink and cleaned him up. He was crying and i knew he was hungry. I tried to give him milk. I had no bottles. He was crying of course.  He was able to suck on my fingers with milk on them. I then instinctively knew that if I put milk in my mouth that Jake could suck it off my tongue  He ate and we both slept and I awoke to him crying. I really thought at that time I could somehow save him. I “know” he is dead. I right now have hope that somehow I did same him. 

The superintendent was amazed at how I just knew what to do. And as he was all about death he became interested and I thought maybe I could save Jake.

By crying about my loss of Jake I opened the pathway to the hope I felt. As hard as it is to believe I do feel better.

The think with the bike has done its work. We have brought more of us together. Best case scenario if I had taken the bike trip is that I clunked in my therapist’s office and she understood that I should not leave. I would have anyway that is not even possible. If I did not just wander off in the woods I might have made it to my bike and then found a place in the woods to sleep. Not safe as if someone saw me and started asking questions I would still be having the effects of narcolepsy. One it happened and I ended driving through a guardrail down a embankment and into a river.

The reason nothing ever gets Dx with me is I am multiple. If there is a task I can come into it. That and the effects of trauma are not seen as important.

We ate and that could have been a close thing. What happens is we know we need to eat and we go to somewhere to get something to eat. We set a brain coming out of narcolepsy to do that.  If it gets messed up than we end up driving and not knowing who or where we are. What happens is sometimes we do come out of it. Sometimes we have got to an emergency room. Once we said “please help me.” They had never even heard of DID. Ended up explaining DID to the mental health professional they called to see me. What happens is when I am engaged my brain comes back on line. Note:  It was not helpful to have the mental health professional grill me. I never should have left the building.  It just got worse and worse and I did end up at Mclean’s hospital. I have been to many hospitals and had set my mind never to go again which once I was off the meds was possible.

I think I discovered why my data usage is up. When I click on lots of sites a video is automatically streamed to get their numbers up as far as views go to sell advertising.

We are pretty out of it. We missed Zumba as we were doing the narcolepsy thing. We just got used to it happening and have learned to deal. One reason that nothing was ever found to be wrong with me is my parents. They would lie and say everything was fine.  My mother still does it is how she copes with the world. I thought I forgot to put her AC units in and so I called. She actually said. “I am not suffering to bad” I actually laughed out loud.

So right now it feels like there is nothing to do in therapy. That has not happened before that I know of. Oh it has and it did not go well. To open.

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Being honest it is a relief to have process this. It always is better eventually there is not always a relief as it is known on some level that there is more to process and often worse. We know from experience that we have no guilt that we need to own. So often our life was about how we could save some we loved and we always failed. We know now that doing what we did is what we are. We are not so much about y0u did the best you could. That lets everyone off the hook and it is what some people live by. We know that in this group once you were marked to be killed that there was no way for a 10 year old to stop it. We know we did what we could. We know we acted out of love.

We are thinking of going to Zumba which for us is dancing. We do not think we will be up for it and will likely go for a swim. We now know we will be up for it again. Often we did not.  We just checked there is no Zumba class tonight. So we will go for a swim. The immersions will do us good. We know that also will bring more memories. There are times when the immersions bring new memories and times when it just makes memories clearer which at times makes it easier.

We really really want to go to therapy tomorrow. For us when we can start to be sadder than sad it feels Ok to talk to our therapist. Kinda we trust that she knows when we get to that point that we will heal. We are nowhere near the being sadder than sad. There is too much work to be done in the way.

Kitty is staying pretty close right now.

Just a note. We went to Mcdonalds and bought junk food. It is what our body needed. It is not about not eating junk food it is about not having you body need it.

One thing we always do is think that we will honor those we loved and lost. We always have the idea that we will make something beautiful and throw it in the pond at the goodbye place. We will think about it. We will not.

So we need to color. We want a special type of media. It is called ampersand. The reason we like it is that we can spray it and frame it with out glass. This is one we did. A poor image.

 

SAMSUNG

 

We want to use white as it is what we like. The board is only 4×6 inches. What we do is buy a cheap frame and then use a high quality varnish. We need to order them and we need to order colored pencils. We had the thought of driving to CT and just getting them. We have done that a lot. We really really have the drive to do something out of the ordinary. It is really about bolting.

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We are past the wanting to bolt. We went to the store and got a swimsuit which we needed. The one we have is falling off.

We are a multiple and much of this is about letting others be sad. When we stop them from being sad we stop them from healing. It is very much like what people do when trying to make someone feel better and it is really about them wanting to feel better. It is less hard now as we all know sometimes you need to be sad before you can be happy.

There is an aspect to all this of not doing better than those around me as it is separating. This is from my family. It was hell when I showed any of them up. It is the scapegoat thing.  It is more than if I did anything it was not honored. It was made to be bad. If it was equal it was dropped or I was not given a chance. As an example. My sister was a big hit at the local fair. I without any help did better. Next time it was not just that I did not get any help I was kept from getting any. I would not get a ride to where I needed to go or there was just no money. Anything that was around the house was someone elses. All the while keeping up the illusion of a big happy family.

It will be a while and it will be hard. I will be doing better than my siblings. Not because that is a goal it will just happen as a result of healing.  I am close to where I do not care.

So we need to go for a swim. It is cloudy out so we will likely be by ourselves. We need to go for a swim or we will not sleep. Eating other than breakfast is just not happening. We are eating junk now not because that is what we need we just do not have the energy to do anything different.

After we swim it will be about protecting therapy. Some want to bring a photo of our new bike and the old one. Some will bring a flower. We need to buy groceries. Rats we messed up. We need shorts to wear to Zumba.  We do not have the energy to do laundry. That got messed up when we bolted.

We messed up on the shorts and the stuff to color. Why this is hard as we do have the energy to get those things done. It would not be right as it would be leaving some away.

Sun is out we are going for a swim.

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We caught a break. We went to a beach and people were there. We decided to go to the other end of the lake just so we had knowledge about how that worked when we were kinda out of it. When we went to the other side the sun came out. We then knew we were sun deprived. The work this morning both depleted our sun energy and made it so we were not intellectually away.  We waded around in the water when the sun was out and that is when we figured out we were sun deprived. That and we were really not that into going swimming. So we hung out in the sun and did some exercises similar to the mat work.  After a fashion we got enough sun and got up for going for a swim. We went for a short swim about 3/4 of a mile I would guess. We saw some loons.  It was funny we could not find the rock pile. That part of our knowledge was just not there.

Our immune system keeps kicking in and out from the work.  We are having issues with our body temp right now. That makes sense given the intensity of the work we have done.

A hard dynamic as a multiple is we know things will be better for some when they do the work. There is no ambiguity as there is or at least should be it is a separate person. Our therapist can believe, trust and based on her experience feel that it will be better for us if we process and grieve.

Being complete here if I had Zumbamat available this morning. I would have likely gone to that and then processed much easier afterwards. This work is a always on the edge thing. It is not as simple as us doing zumbamat by ourselves. We have thought of that. To set it up would take energy that we need to stay even. This is all somewhat temporary we think. Then again thought that we could turn things around this year. It does not look good for that unless we get real lucky with the work for money. If we get lucky we may be able to turn things around in a year plus of minis. It is nice to have a chance. Would be nicer to have it happen.

Things are going very rapidly. We have the most ideal situation we have had since starting this work.

What is totally new is that this all seems like a long time ago. When the memories are coming are coming into consciousness it does not seem like it was a long time ago. The reality that it was has no effect nor should it. Waste of time to spend time making it feel like that.

My therapist makes this all about me and not even her and my relationship or her relationship with each of us. So we make it all ab0ut our relationship with ourselves. It has to be hard work for her. So easy to take the easy way and I would go in a heartbeat for a while then be pissed at her.

That being said what we are going tel her if all goes well tomorrow is going to be hard on her. We expect it is hard to read.

We are all about orange right now. We always have been partial to it. It is getting pretty silly.

 

Confusing

June 25, 2013

I am not confused and I do not think I will use the term again. This is all confusing. That is what I really meant when I said I am confused. I think what is heard is something is wrong with me in that I should not be confused.

I remember little of what went on yesterday after I went to Zumbamat.

I actually remember little of yesterday other than I can tell you where I was.

So we are in ok shape physically and much better than we were a year ago even discounting we had the hematoma.

We really have no idea what we should be doing, Not now and not today.  It seems like we have two days with in one right now.

Our brain is working pretty well.

Sometimes we just go through what might want to be done and that lets us know what is going on.

We took a nap. Go figure.

We have used all our data on our data plan which is new. That is a pain. we think it maybe the setting up out computer.  We also go bad info from the cell phone company. That is rare and we are OK with it.

It is intrinsic that this work does not go smooth logistically. A few weeks ago we knew just what to do yet did not have time. That work did get done as our brain was healing. We got tired from doing the work. Now we have time and we are tired. The nap was what we needed then and yet we do not know what we need now.

We had done some work about Molly’s baby before it was not connected in the same way. The work got interrupted. Part of it was because of my brother who was killed when he could just try and crawl.  For him having been damaged by a botched abortion attempt and living in a cellar it was later than most children. There was a sub cult of the main cult that I had to deal with. There was a mother and three sons. One was a state trooper. They were sick people and more crude than the sick rich part of the cult. They did killings at the direction of the “higher up” cult members and lived an a remote area and used guns.  They were more like a gang. Think the Hells Angles were really a lower part of the mafia.

My brother was what is called blackened. It is a method of mummifying. It is done in an oven and I was there for that and my brother was kept. The cults also has shrunken heads. some times the cults used fake ones. You can tell the difference.

So when we were processing and got to the part where Molly’s baby was born and killed because it was black we got confused and started processing in a different direction.

We never got to that we knew and loved Jake.

It is also hard as Mamma’s daughter’s baby was killed as it looked black and her baby was killed as was the daughter. Both were killed by who I call the psychopath who was one of the more violent ones I had to deal with. He just liked to kill as brutally as he could. He did not want to stretch it out at all.   Mamma’s family was black. Both babies were born by cesarean birth.

It has been wanted that we go to VT or at least north to find someone. This was confusing as they are all dead.  We got confused with that as some thought somehow we could make them all not dead and that was not what was being expressed. What was being expressed is we loved them and therefore they are not really dead which is true on a level that is most important.

What is brand new is that we knew Jake and took care of him while Molly was alive.

We are having much of a drive to go find something up north. Right now it feels like we are going to find Wendy’s baby.  We have a sense that we knew Wendy’s baby for a short while. We know we loved her. That we know she is a girl is new.

The first time we took care of a baby alone as an adult was in VT. We love all children and we get on with them well. When taking care of them as an adult there was no issue with flashbacks etc. That makes sense to us as it would if someone did experience flashbacks. Being with pregnant women has had some flashbacks involved.

So right now it seems Wendy’s baby was not killed. She was sold. Now things are even more confused. It seems possible that Wendy and her baby are still alive. We may have Molly and Wendy confused and thinking they are one or it could be that they are one. What happens is any sliver of chance that some did not die is held on to very hard.

Just a few words to attempt to convince that I am not a lunatic. From my standpoint the more I know the less unbelievable it all is. We watch very carefully that we do not just make up something that fits. The reason is simple. Sooner of later it will not fit and we will have more work to do.

Any modern  criminal element has a basis in cash and sex. It is the currency. It is clear now that the cults were involved in human trafficking. That fits with all those we were prostitutes with. At the top of all criminal activity is someone with money and brains. They do not get caught as much and it is usually ego.

Reality is when I was experiencing all of this it was in the baby boom. I have not counted the deaths that I have to grieve for a while. Call it 25. It is beyond belief that I would have seen as many people as I have seen killed in 13 years of my life. If you take MKULTRA out of my experience than the number would be less and therefore more believable. Part of the reason I had these experiences is my main contacts were higher level cults. A huge factor was anyone involved with MKULTRA assumed and not totally incorrectly that I would not remember. Part of it was I was thought to going to grow up and have an important part in the “new order” meaning a world where “they” were powerful which means rich.

I did here talk from time to time about a new world order. It was a bogus as the concept that public education was going to change the world. The biggest impact in my life time was the computer and it was not taught in public schools which is why it worked so well. It actually was stalled for three decades when it was in the hands of academics.

I will give you a quick view of a car stealing ring that I know about from personal experience.  In a city there was a junk dealer who crushed cars. This was not a stupid ring at the top. They do not sell stolen parts or try to sell the car. it was all about insurance. That is where the real money is. The men I knew which included one man they called killer. He had shot someone by accident when he was 12. He lived in the part of the city where the police to not go except to pick up the bodies and then only in large groups. Killer’s punishment was to be kept in a closet and hung upside down until he was brain damaged. What this group would do is go to the airport and steal credit cards. They would then buy a one way plane ticket to this city. They would then arrive and steal the cars that needed to be stolen. They had the keys. The cars were stolen then crushed and then they would steal another credit card and fly back. The reason they were in a different state is they were smart. They were only in the city committing crimes for a few days. Less chance of getting caught. They worked kinda regular jobs. The owner of the company was killed with baseball bats so it was not a real normal job. They did not commit crimes with the owner. The men I knew were despicable human beings. They would hire a prostitute and give her baking soda and tell her was cocaine. I could go on and on about how criminals work and only the real stupid ones get caught. I could right now make a call and make $15,000 as a mule from down south  to NE. The reason that opportunity is open to me is I am know to be clever. This is how it works and how it went bad with someone I know. You are in Fla and given a car. The car is not yet stolen what that means is it has been stolen and the owner either does not yet know it is stolen or is away knowing it will be. This happened to be a black BMW. The drugs are in the car. In this case the idiot was speeding on the NJ bridge with sunglasses and a black leather coat in a BMW. He was playing the part of the criminal. The plan was he brings the car and there is a contact. He can not get to the drugs. He delivers the car which he at least pretends to believe is just a normal delivery.   He delivers the car and then gets paid at a later date. That is the way it really works.  In this case he got caught because he  was dumb and he had to do three week-ends in jail and had his girl friend with him.

I can do the same explanation with blue collar crime. It is all the same.

It is important to our sanity that we know how this is all possible.

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If what has been going on for us in the recent past holds true we will sleep and then this afternoon we will be kinda normal. This method was kinda developed in Ecuador. Well it was fine tuned. A different method was needed as we were not living with the cults after we were 6. We lived for the most part with out FOO and NO that is not the way it was. We were with the Superintendent or at some MKULTRA place for much of the summer. Until we were 11. That fits better. That is not real hard and fast it is is just the way it seems right now.

We know we were not with the superintendent etc when we were doing all the work at the state park.

This is confusing.

This is making some sort of sense. It is hard to figure all out. Part of it is this is all ignored by my family. They never talk about when I was gone. Ever. It was a family rule.

I was with my Foo for parts of the summers every time.  I think it was necessary to go to vacation bible school which was two weeks. I like that and now it makes sense. It was for me a huge chunk of free time. My memory with my FOO and the summer really starts for the most part when I was 9.  It is hard as the state park was open on the week ends and I was there for that as far as I know all the time. Which makes sense as school was started.

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It is hard to imagine how good we got at reentering into a “normal” situation. It is with us still today. We go to Zumba and for us it is like we just left. We have a period of adjustment and it continuous. We just look for what has changed.  We start with the weather. When we would reenter into my FOO we were used to the gaps. We were used to them talking about things that happened as if we were there. In a real way we made it as easy for them as possible.

We are having the feeling of being done again. The reason is we are more done. We are close to having a method for doing this part of the work.

So there is a plan being floated it is a continuation of the taking our bike from our therapists old office to the one she uses now. It is weird we will be going down the railroad bed that we were once run over by a train and we will be riding on the street where my family lived when I was born until I was 3.  It was an army barracks that the college used for the GI bill bonanza.  Just so you know it was how Jack the author of On The Road was funded. He just pretended he was in college or the college just kept him enrolled to get the money. What a rebel. NOT.

The plan is to put the menagerie in our backpack and have them with us.  We just checked and they all fit. Just barely.

The weather looks good. We are not sure about the pack and riding the bike. If it is a hassle we can leave the menagerie with our therapist or just leave our pack on the porch and get it with our truck. That seems to go more with the plan.

This is about expressive therapy. The integration of all of us. It will be a big deal. We will have to get our head right and our body. It is not the bike ride it is the work of therapy. We right now are pretty excited. We are not dumb. We are aware that this integration will mean more work with our love for Wendy. We know there is more work.

They are some of us that are just flat out more energy as they are less hurt. It is one of the things that causes us the most struggle. Some want to just put our head down and go for it and make things happen. That is not good for some of us. We may be on the cusp of that being possible. It is a matter of them going for it and not taking over and how to get back to the others. It is much about sleep. If some do not sleep they can not heal.

We have rested we did not sleep.

This is the way it works and we hope we can see it as it is almost gone. Note we were in some pain when we rested. Had we kept going it would have been worse.

So before the idea of the bike trip could have turned into well lets combo it with the camping and then get a bicycle that we can tour in and do it that way. If it got done at all than what was needed would not. It is not that some are unfeeling or anything. They just do not know.

So we want to give this bike trip the attention it deserves. Part of that is to be OK with if it is best it does not happen and be OK with if it gets messed up to not fault of our own.

The bike is OK mechanically to go now. We want to adjust the derailleur and take the tube out of the tire and re install it. The valve stems are crooked. It is no big deal it just puts a strain in the tube that should not be there.

There was thought of going to mat work tonight. There is a whole class devoted to that we can go to. That is not a good idea as we would need time to deal with those changes and it might interfere with the bike trip. It for us is nothing about just accomplishing things. That really has not effect. That is changing. Part of it is when we lived in the cages with my twin sister and then by brother. It was all about having a story to tell and then not telling the bad parts. This was even before we had real speech.

We are going to work on the bike. It is important to us and we are kinda nervous it will get messed up. We hate to mess the others up and it happens all the time.

Part of this is processing when the superintendent was not around and we we had what for us was a lazy summer. It was a first OK and then when he left he would give us chores.  Then it was just we were locked somewhere. I do not want to know where right now.

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OK our bike is 100%. We could do work on the wheels. Reality is with out the proper equipment it is a real pain and can be dangerous if you get frustrated and mess it up. Once it is mess up the only way to fix it is with a tension-er which I do not want to buy or make one.

Reality and we knew it when we started is the integration is going to happen unless it really gets interrupted by someone else. It would take usually having to deal with a real asshole to totally  interrupt. So it is a matter now of how smooth it goes. Say something like the bike fails and we have to walk to out therapists. That is normal just happens and we would make it part of the work.

A big thing now that we do have control of is the physical. If we do not eat and such it can become a mess. If we were to swim to far that would make everything harder.

One thing we have not got used to us our brain working much of the time. We are going t0 put in our AC unit in a bit so we sleep better which will help with the physical. We have not put it in as a test to see how much better we now handle the heat. It is very much better and better than the rest of our life. The effect on the adrenal gland etc makes the heat harder to take.

The last few years we would not remember how we put the AC unit in. We would have to figure it all out again. We now remember. At least we think we do.

We are not going to the mat class. For us that type of exercise is either a morning thing or a dark thing.

We lost some writing. Pretty much we did the AC and lots of on the fly integrating then went for a swim. We had to make it short as thunder came in. Things are much easier for us now.

We wanted to write about coloring a bit. We always colored with our children and still do, if a restaurantt has crayons we color. I always ask the waitress who colors better me or them So far it is never me.

We started coloring in Mclean’s hospital. We threw it away and a girl got angry and hung it up. We were confused. Anyway we had the thought of coloring this morning. Then it was not wanted to. This has been going on for years. We think we understand now. It never hurts us when we color. Just sometimes it would if we did. It is waned we figure it out with our therapist if at all. I know what it is about now. Sorry for the mystery. We do not edit what we write here it is a rule.

We are getting nervous now about the bike ride. That is very very OK with all of us. We will not ride the bike until it is what wants to be done. We can almost promise that. With us there is no real way of knowing. One of us might be out and not know what it is about. I am told we can now promise so it is done. The only exception would be if we had to for some weird reason.

It is not the bike ride that we are nervous about it is if some will not be able to be as we need to be together enough to ride back. It is not even we will not be able to ride back. It may be one of those decisions that need to be made that morning with the bike in the car. That is more than fine.

We do think everything will be OK. It is in part about letting some be nervous. As a multiple expression is what it is all about and we all need to express. It is not just about trauma. It is the trauma that makes it hard.

The thing about being nervous is some of us take over. Tomorrow is Wed and we have Zumba in the morning and then not anything that needs doing. lightning is close I am going to unplug the computer and go comfort Kitty.

 

Brutal

June 25, 2013

Molly was tortured to death and was alive when her baby was being hurt. I do not yet remember all about that. After Molly was killed and the superintendent said she did not really love the baby or she would not have hurt it I was given the baby Jake to take care of. I love Jake with all my heart. I know in my heart that Jake is dead and have a strong sense that I was there and was forced to have a part in it.

The memory came to be yesterday after the memory of Molly, Wendy and I going on a road trip. It was during the superintendents seduction phase. We drove around in his red convertible. I sat in the back. We got soda and chips. I had a whole bag of Wise potato chips and my own quart of Hires Root Beer. It was not like they let me have them we were just friends on a road trip having fun. It was wonderful for me as a child who always was given things only when necessary including food and then only after I earned my keep. Molly and Wendy gave me my own money. Just I had my own it was not an afterthought and now debt was incurred.

After Molly was dead Bobby came to be. Bobby is way too cool for school. He is based on a album cover I saw in a music store. Wendy Molly and I used to dance to the radio.

We are of to Zumbamat. We are very very tired and some sort of crash is on the horizon. How could it not be? We do have a good shot at weathering it.

Jake is far away from us as is everything. We have been holding Bear who is a stuffed dog and taking him wherever we go. It is about Bear being with us like Jake. We were 10 and that was the age of Page when she was killed. So we had flashback of when Page took care of us. That I have to deal with life alone while I am doing this is wrong. That there is no place I can just go to recover from this work is wrong. And I am one of the lucky ones.

So Zumbamat then hopefully sleep. Then we need to get nourishment and hydrated.

One thing we do not do is make any of our relationships about past ones. A good thing to do.  When I date I have no need to talk of past relationships and process them. I hate it when women do that. I have invited a young woman who I met in Ecuador to stay with me for a couple weeks. It will be about her and my relationship not any past ones.  I doubt it will happen. I think it more likely that I would go see her in Ecuador.

To much is making sense. It is too much to keep up with it is not just the trauma and loss. It now makes sense why I used to end up in VT so often. That is where I was with Molly and Page. Bobby is complex to say the least he goes with people kinda and that makes it hard.

Today needs to be all about the physical.

There are lots and lots that go with Bobby. All created after age 10. None of this is real to Bobby and those that go with  him. Bobby is pretty much imaginary although we are him.

I will leave this post open for when we get back from Zumbamat to make sure we do get back. Need to be careful dealing with people at Zumba.

Back from Zumba. We were OK with the people. We just get short with people as we do not want to talk with them. We are pretty good at ending stupid conversations as in well it might have been different had we sided with the Germans.

We are avoiding the healing and the Mat work and meditation is part of that avoidance.

We are going to try and sleep. We are close to bolting and that might be what is best. We have no work for money right now.

 

Sleep-Some of our best writing as far as clarity.

June 23, 2013

I know using the word  clarity and my writing in the same sentence is  might be seen as inappropriate. Smile. Reality is if I par it down to the point it is clear it is useless not only for me but for any understanding that might be gained.

Or sleep is changing and we need to adapt. We have a sense that it is from Molly having been with our therapist. To be clear I am talking about a few seconds our of an hour. What could be seen as avoiding the work is really doing what it takes to be able to do the work.

What has been happening over the last few weeks is we feel tired in a way that is new in that we know it. It usually happens when driving which makes sense. We feel tired and then ignore it. It is what we learned to do. We expect this is very very common as in pervasive in our culture and may be a result of humans having a more developed upper brain due to being able to cook food which is in reality pre digesting food.

So we started with when we had this tiredness we noticed it and brought it into our consciousness. We “remembered” it by  kinda taking a video in our head of where were were and what we were feeling. We were able to go back and “see” what we saw at the time we were tired. It can be dangerous and  would be called Narcolepsy by those who name things and call it understanding. See just about everyone and doctors might be the worst.  I no longer consider surgeons when evaluation the medical profession and I take out the few doctors that have the imagination to discover. I am left with a group of people with the ability to memorize.

As there is not term I will use Narcolepsy. Those of you who have read what I wrote will understand it is what I describe as clunking.

Guessing like TMJ, depression, anxiety, bi-polar, dissociation, pseudoseizures etc  narcolepsy is the result of trying to heal from trauma and not being able to.  Pretty much if a cause is described by starting with the cause is not exactly  known-natural predisposition-genetics followed by cope-eat right meditate, group therapy bla bla bla. It is reasonable to assume the cause is trauma and the solution is to process and grieve. I would even go with that is the reason for the common cold.

It all used to be called weak character. They just got fancier names. Jung was no help with his “Everything is beautiful in its own way” concept.

So we have this tiredness when driving and then we get back to it and we do what we call nap. We got to this by starting with if we are tired we should be sleeping then going to if we can sleep than that is what we should be doing. It kinda morphed into do what it takes to sleep as much as we can.

It all started with getting warm.

So I am going to use the words no-cause to describe the illnesses that I have. Some call them symptoms. They are really a result and it is a wrong road to call them the result of trauma. They are the result of processing being interrupted.

So there is lots going on with the clunking. It is a big step to be able to go back to it. We had to learn how to not to clunk. Much of the trauma and MKULTRA training was about keeping us awake. That and hanging around with nothing to do. Add the growing up in the darkness of cages in cellars and closets and it makes things different.

I forgot throw apnea into the mix of no known cause. Hell throw over weight snoring etc in there also. Might as well put in all addictions. Including blogging. Smile

So there has been something else going on that we have been working on. It is hard.

Here is the thing. We do not think we “need” to write about it. Might just be it is so complicated we do not want to. It might be that if Molly is with our therapist than we do not need to write about it.

This is what happens. Some are with us and we do one of two things. First is to bolt. Might be a big one like go to Ecuador or England.  Might be a small thing like go outside and have a cigarette or go for a ride in our car. We think those things we still need to do. Here is the thing. If we do not bolt we feel like we do nothing. If we do bolt than we have this thing. We want caffeine. It is not a physical addiction anymore in that we do not have withdrawal symptoms. We go weeks with no caffeine. It is brought on by physical exercise not followed by mat work. Or the physical exercise  followed by mat work can cause a hard bolt like going to Maine.

We have started meditating again. Not the go to a wonderful place and pretend you are not hurt. It is going to the nothingness place. Thing is we go into a state then bolt.

We are not over exercising to the point of causing an injury. We learned not to do that. We are over exercising. Part of how we do that is by bad eating. Exercising without the fuel to do so.

I am multiple from my standpoint we not only have no way to do the work that needs to be done we have a life of not doing it.

When we get to this place ideas can be a thing to watch out for. It is a miss communication thing. One might remind us that there was a trip from our therapists old office on our bike planned. Well there is an idea floated we could do that today only we would not get to see her. I think it is about wanting to see the gypsy dancer.

____________

We think we know what is going on. It is we are on the cusp of not experiencing Narcolepsy. We could again if we get sun deprived. We used to call it CFS.

So we went to get some parts for out bike. One thing we get is we have more decisions than most people do. We if we want can cut our handlebars to adjust to out positive ape index. We can also over clock our computer, we can set up a furnace to make marbles etc. We have not done any of those things. That does not matter to us.

So we went and got the parts for out bike. We had the wanting caffeine thing so we got some to try and figure that out.  We think it is about we now not having the Narcolepsy we have to adjust to that. We really have no concept of relaxing. For us that means having done a lot of physical and mental work and then feeling like we deserve a break as we are exhausted. It is not a matter of what we do it is what we experience. It is not how other people experience us which is often that we are mellow.

The first time we every thought we had a good chance of not having to deal with extreme trauma at any moment  was when we were 11 and our 5th grade teacher agreed to not make us go with the superintendent. We were mistaken about it which did not help at all. Pretty much my parents and all my teachers just did what they were told. Teachers are like that due to a lack of imagination. I can hear them say now “We would like to think we are imaginative or that they are imaginative or care givers or all the other bullshit.  If you think about it I was a baby boomer. There was a teacher for every 30 baby boomers from 1960 t0 1973 min. Just so you know you are paying them if they are alive or there spouse if they died about $80,000 a year in SS and pensions. They live a long time as they did not work hard.

So we do not think we are going to get very far with doing the work of therapy today. It is to much of an adjustment. What we are doing is just hanging out for the most part. We will work on the bike if that is OK. The bike is just something we can go out in the yard and do and then come back and rest if we want. We are just going to work on the brakes. Those that are out see to much on every level. It is overwhelming. It is not normal. It is not why we are multiple it is part of the dynamic.

The caffeine thing is not as new as we thought. Even in the recent past.  We do not drink coffee and that one is simple. We believed it would stunt your growth. At 50 pounds in the fifth grade it was not something we wanted to do. We are not big chocolate people. We do have cravings and we think that is part of what we are dealing with now.

We never were big soda drinkers until we were about 40 and started the lime diet coke when going off the meds.

We want the coke now. We want it with ice. I think we are close.

OK we have a lot of it. Not ready to go on Ravel which we are pretty sure has become a list of things that we need to work on later and we never will have to.

________

Did not know I had written anything today. I remember what was written. We may have napped I do not know. We finished the work on our bike. Spent 6 hours on it and have not eaten since this morning. Kinda what we have always done to cope I guess.

To be clear once we had the parts the bike was in as good shape as if it was assembled by a chain store and within a half hour it was in as good shape as a bike shop would do. The next five hours was trying to tune it like I had expensive components. I saved $30.00 Smile. I trued the wheels a bit and was able to get the whole mess adjusted. About a 20 min job if I paid the $30.   This is my first aluminum wheel. They are awesome. I probably do not really need a back brake.

__________

So I would say we are pacing. We have written often and as loudly as we can that you can not pace this work and it prevents healing to try. I feel that there was no way to pace for me until now. I can not really know why. It might be as simple as the murders we are processing now happened when we were 10 and 11. We knew at least Molly when we were 7.

We also did not pace the actual murders.

Pretty clear that my experiences are no what most people are dealing with. I still feel there is not scale of trauma nor is there any purpose to doing so. I still get pissed when other people want to scale trauma and say theirs is worse.

So I am doing Pilates, kinda coping, meditating  and Pacing. Three things that I said were not helpful and often prevented healing. If I had changed my mind I would say so. I looked very hard at if it was I was wrong and did not want to admit it.   I have not changed my mind. What I am doing now is OK as I have processed much of the horror. I am not sure that what we are doing now is not preventing healing. It is too early to tell. I do now the healing is not going so well. That has always happened when we start something new with our therapist. There is nothing really new as we have always processed.

We have Zumba/mat scheduled in the morning right now there is no way we are going. If we do not than we will have to look hard in that we are in what we call the yoga cycle. Do better then not. Must be I have not been doing yoga. It is not working if that happens.

I do not see a crash coming. I have a sense that the summer crashes are the ones that just happen out of the blue. We do think what we are processing now is the root of all crashes in that when we get to the time this horror happened we crash.  It is not “worse” we right now are thinking that there is a natural time progression to healing that happens over and over. By the time we got to these memories we were always exhausted. The progression is not linear by any means. This is all able to happen due to having enough sun and having had enough sun.

We are pretty out of it and need to come down I think. Working on the bicycle did not tire us nor bring us down. It gave us a energy that we do not need right now. Always has.

This is a mess.

TMJ

June 23, 2013

I no longer have TMJ. Those of you who have it know it is not just a tightness in the jaw. I still have sometimes a tightness in my jaw and have discovered a way to alleviate it. I have no idea what the effect would be with someone who has TMJ.

This is how I do it and what it feels like. I pretty much work out for 3/4 of and hour. I do this in a class which is aerobic and toning in nature. I only use 3 pound weights. At the end of the 3/4 of an hour and it might be an hour I do not look at the clock I do mat work in the class. We do crunches. If you do a crunch correctly than your jaw and neck is relaxed. This is not possible for me.  When doing the crunches my next is taunt. It is a weird feeling and is more about my neck being taunt. As I do the crunches there is a weird kind of pain. Not intense or anything kinda like the pain of doing a stretch just a tad more intense. So I continue to do this incorrect crunch and it does not feel like anything is going on with my jaw. I notice later on that the tension in my jaw is going away. Actually that is not true. I notice when it comes back and I know if I do the crunches incorrectly than the tension will go away.

I do not see this as a solution it is more of a way to alleviate so it is easier to do the work of therapy.  I can see where it would turn into a cope thing and then I would stop doing it and the pain would come back and I would blame myself for not having done the crunches.

Note: Crunches are losing favor and for good reasons. They stress the back. Pretty much they are not good for you. go figure if you do them how does it feel?

No Need to write today.

June 22, 2013

It was not that we were too tired or did not have time.

We went to Zumba on the breach and then did aqua zumba in the water. It was fun. We did it about 1/5 hours.

We went and got our part out brake on our bicycle. They guy gave us the piece for free out of a bucket. That was cool.  We worked on our bike a bit. We did not adjust the brakes as that can be frustrating with the brake setup be have. We are Ok with the bike being ok mechanically. It is a matter if the gearing is right. There are lots of hills around here. A single speed would not make it. We have a 6 speed single sprocket at the pedals. Less to go wrong and we can have a chain guard so we do not have to worry about out pants getting caught.

That is about it.

No clue

June 21, 2013

None of us have any clue what is going on. I am told some of us do. I do not.

We came home from therapy and did not sleep until the next day 30 hours later. That is new.

It seems to be OKish. We have slept for a few hours and expect to sleep tonight.

This is kinda funny. I was talking to a lady after Zumba. She is very smart and very forceful.  She does not think she is the smartest person in the conversation nor does she think she is more forceful than me. Well they are making Lei for a summer solstice thing in the uppity part of town. I am not at all impressed with this part of town. I have been around real money.

Lei being the wreaths of flowers for peoples hair. Well they were going to pick flowers at 6:00 in the morning and I thought maybe I could go in the woods with them and call it work on my continuing education for my wetland science. So we talked about it.  I could see the wheels turning in this womans head. She gave me all the information about what was going on. I just thought that it was about she is used to having to tell people how to do things. I am also used to that.

So remember we have not slept and are not the least tired. We went to pick flowers at 6:00 noone was there. So I left and went to the good-by place to pick some water lilies. We went to where they were making the Lei. We in a way were out of place. In a way as we know how to do such things as Lei we were in place. We were very comfortable and did not really care if anyone else was.

So we are working beside this woman and here and I are the only ones there not ancient. I knew I was being directed by the person that I was talking to at Zumba. Well she thought she was directing me. I am used to such things. Here is the funny part. It was a set up for me to meet the daughter of the woman from Zumba.  I could tell something was going on that some other people knew about and I did not.

The woman and I did get along well. I am easy to get along with if I want to be. I was just having fun. I do not let people get in the way of my fun when I am doing art. Does not happen. I made a couple of very beautiful Lei. I did not figure out what was going on until I said I was leaving. The daughter was obviously upset and sad. Least I am pretty sure. For me it was just her and I having fun. Art buddies. Looking back she was trying to get to know me and it was precluded by her mother hovering. I noticed that I just never ever go there.

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So something is going on. I do not understand at all. It is very confusing although not distressing to me. We are physically tired. We are thinking of going for a paddle and get even more tired. We are thinking of getting up and paddling to a free zumba class. Maybe make a Lei for our instructor. Pretty much we are on a roll. We in a few min set up a little job and set it up so we are in charge of a big project. It is just coming easy right now and I am not sure it is really OK.