Archive for May, 2011

Randoms

May 31, 2011

I am not buying the rubbish that a group that does horrible things is OK as they are mostly honorable. First I am not buying they are mostly honorable. I know a lot of policemen and driven around drunk with many. They are mostly psychopaths. Secondly it  is the look at all the people I didn’t rob defense.

We are now able to add muscle mass. I don’t know why and don’t care when ever we started to in the last 6 years it was bad for us.  Same with aerobic exercise. It might be that we did not have the physical resources or it might have been that is how we went  away from some. It might be the sun and it might be something else.

The current understanding of hydration is bullshit. You need to get most of your water from what you eat. The body process it differently. Water in food means weight and early spoilage and that is why modern man is dehydrated. Plus I do not need the diet of someone who sits at a desk and goes to to the gym.

I am not buying the cold and allergy thing. It is stress from not knowing how to sleep.

 

Acceptance

May 30, 2011

I don’t accept much. I am learning to accept less and less. What this does for me is what I accept seems to be in a more honored place or a place where it belongs.

I expect things yet seemingly not to the degree that most people do. I am often surprised and that is nice.

I can be aggravating as I do not accept. That and I dislike may assumptions. I do not accept that the US is the best country of all history. It is the biggest economy in this time at least for now not because we are great more the luck of the natural resources we have, a willingness to kill off the indigenous population and much luck in the last two world wars.

Much of it is my experience and that it seems I paid attention. I do not find professors particularly bright nor those that are uneducated to have more common sense.

I don’t like to climb the mountain when people are there.  I do not feel it is my mountain or that I have more rights as I have climbed it so often or that it is in the town where I live.

I could care less how long someone has been doing something. Makes no difference to me.

Anyway I seem to be on the outside of what ever side there is on the one hand and accepted pretty much anywhere on the other. I don’t think that is going to change.

Different and Better

May 30, 2011

Things are changing for the better and things that were not possible before I started healing are now possilbe. It is not a getting rid of the effects of trauma rather as the effects of trauma do not effect me in the same way new things are possilbe.

It is often the small things and we really rejoice in them.

For us it is all about self. We do not care if we are ever again a highly productive member of society as is the stated goal of the mental heath field. I do think that society needs to do a lot of work let them do it as they are the dysfunctional ones.

My relationships are changing and I expect them to be more what I want than ever before. They we never particularly dysfunctional.

It is all from processing the trauma. I have learned a lot about trauma and the possible effects along the way. It has made me more able to deal with the after effects of trauma and loss.  Taking the time to heal has caused many losses and put this body in a place where it is more susceptible to being upset and confused in the now. There has been less skill learning than the rest of out life there has been skill learning.

So I talked to someone I love for hours last night and did not get to bed until 1:30 this morning. I slept later than usual. How cool is that? Something to be celebrated for sure.

I was tired when the call came in and was going to go to bed. I had done the dishes and not dried them and did so in the morning. To be clear we were always efficient we very seldom dried dishes when they were wet. It takes longer and there is more cleaning of dish towels.

We fixed out drain in the tub. It has been necessary to use a plunger every time we showered for months. We cleaned out a trash can so now we can go to the dump less often. We just plain have not had the energy or time to do these things for years. Again before therapy we had a maid and had a trailer all set up for trash so we could go very little.

We are now able to use skills that we could not as it got in the way of the work of therapy. We used to group things and get them all done at once and have a rolling list in our head of tasks. This was a going away from some of us. Very much we will go do something and come back and tell you how it was.

MKULTRA stuff—There was much about gathering information and then having a programer access it. It was called debriefing. In a way if we did not tell someone something it felt like in never happened. This was actually a practice with the prostitution. We would be with those that abused us and then have to write a report which included drawings in them in compromising positions. We were trained to illicit information and we were good at it. Judges would tell us things as would ministers and such. Some were criminals and they would tell us about people that they had killed and such. Much of it was bullshit and them telling us what they wanted to be. One guy from either NY or NJ in a yellow jaguar tried to buy me. It was a real possibility and although the cult member who was now in charge as the Navy and the CIA had for lack of better words put me in reserve as a “sleeper agent”  and that they had killed three other children as the MKULTRA school was closed. They killed three adults as clean up that I knew of and three before that when the school was open. Two more children were to die. One from MKULTRA and another boy killed by the cult.

With the CIA and Navy not involved they lost some of their confidence. One more was to die when I was 12. The order is not quite right as I am a multiple. I do not think I have missed any. I saw a family of 5 killed over time. There is one missing. The mother who taught me that the prostitution was wrong and that I just had to do it. She told me I would grow to be strong and do much good in the world. She took care of those at the MKULTRA school and was as nice as she could be. This was a woman who was pretty much a prisoner and had seen her husband hung, her son in a cage and then killed, another son who I do not know what he went through other than being killed and a daughter who was often raped and then had abortions and then was tortured and killed.

I do not yet know how the mother died and I may not know. I am told that I likely do.

We see up coming trauma work differently now. We seem all to have observed at least that we can heal and have it in the past.

In a way we see trauma as an adult now. In a way it is connected to the world. What happened to us is in some form happening right now somewhere and in secret.

There is a process and we recognize it and can better prepare for it. We see now how things in the last few weeks have been leading up to this. It is going to be hard. There is a possibility of a crash. We do not focus on preventing the crash that is not as important as processing the trauma. There is risk involved in processing trauma it is that hard.

We understand that our concept of going on a kayaking trip is much about something to look forward to after we process the trauma. We know that things may get messed up in the now and there may be more loss.

We asked out therapist if she wanted to go for a paddle. This is somehow tied into this work of trauma on a “subconscious” level. We are more than all good with or therapist is a processional and if she does not think it is best that her and I go for a paddle she will say so. We know she will put much thought into it.

We may have to cancel our appointment this Friday.  We can do so with our giving our therapist a reason. One of us can call and say “We do not want to see you this Friday. We know what is going on and that is best. We are working hard and doing good work.” She will say OK. She trusts that we know what we are doing. We have proved it over and over.

This memory about this woman’s death is not something we have come close to doing before and is therefore what we are calling clean up. For us she is still alive and we may see her someday.

Although we are angry and upset that once again we have worked really hard and the result is that we are stronger and so can do harder work of trauma we are not as distraught. We knew this woman better than all the other adults that were killed. She held us sometimes.

We loved her.

We are angry not only that we have to do this work we are angry the world does not accept that we are doing this work. I will have to go to job sites and function at a high level. We are angry that we have to squish this into 50 min of contact with a human being than can face hearing what we lived. We hate there is no where to go to recover from this work. “Well you see I just processed seeing someone I loved killed when I was 8. A person who had humanity in a inhuman situation. I am worn out and my brain is not working very well.” “Oh you need to pace. How is your sleeping” ” Are you eating? How many times do you switch in a day.” Oh we don’t work on trauma here.” What you need to do is stay present and do some relaxation.” Fuck you what I need to do is rest and not have to take care of the day to day things for a few days. I know what I am doing it is just that hard is all.”

Most of all I want her to pat my head and say “You keep smiling child, it does this old heart good.”

We have done work on this. I just was not there. I needed to believe that she was still alive.

I loved her and she loved me. She loved all the children of MKULTRA. We called her Mamma. She was the one that cooked the food and did the laundry.

Once when her daughter was being killed she look into my eyes and did not say with here eyes keep smiling. She look at me with hate. I am white. It was never the same after that.  I am not mad at you mamma. I am sorry they killed you and your family. I still want to keep smiling even thought it is hard sometimes. I still try.

Pretty Simple

May 29, 2011

Or exhaustion which is when we end up in the hospital is from the chemicals in our brain being depleted to the point where it can not function. The CFS is when the chemicals that are produced are building up faster than the body can dispel them.

The only maladaptive behavior  going on is the treatment of a body assumed to be the same as one not traumatized. I don’t know what to call giving medication to try and control a brain that has experienced trauma. Other than fucked up to the max and rubbish science.

There was a strong thunder storm today. My cat wanted t check in and then go hide. After the storm he wanted to be petted a bit and now he wants to eat.

Our body is really changing. We worked outside today and got all sweaty. We were thinking we would have to shower before we could get our wet suit on. Very quickly our body cooled down and we expect that the hypothermia may be a thing of the past. Before what would happen is our body would keep cooling itself and if we did not intellectually make allowances we would get hypothermia. Hypothermia is not caused by cold. It is caused by a deferential in temperature. The easiest way to get it is to work in a cooler on a hot day. A cold rain will do the same thing.

We have less CFS and it is on the wane. We do not yet have a schedule as to when it will be gone. We know it will be a long big project. We are keeping an open mind that it will be different now.

It is very strange for us to be tired and then rest and have more energy. Our body just works different.

To be clear the worst our body ever worked was on meds the second was healing from trauma.

We think we are starting to recover from the incredible stress of healing from trauma. We will not recover from the incompetent treatment or the trauma. That we have to heal from.

All that being said we need to be real careful with the swimming. We might get hypothermia and not know it with this new body of ours.

—-

We understand now we are very creative. Why no one told us I have no idea. Assumed we knew perhaps it is pretty obvious. Any way there is a difference between creating and being creative., The difference being that there is something tangible when you create. We have a need to create. We have a need for it to be tangible. If it is recognized that is a bonus.

Part of it for us as a multiple is things seemed just to happen. Some of us were not part of the creative process. Likely as we are the result of a creative process.

Some are not multiple. They are pretty much singletons within a certain frame work. This is not denial. They do not dispute the evidence that there are others of us they know nothing about and they are in this body. It is kinda changing as we heal.

As an example: We are thinking of getting a hammock for camping. 150.00 and no tent to haul. We are thinking it would be way neat to go in the winter. So that means a different set up and more cost. As we are not sure we will ever go winter camping it was a dilemma before this would have been parallel processed and it would have just come to us or so it seemed. We would comment good job of very clever. We did not know how it happened.

We might end up with a tarp and not know what it is for. We might end up with more than one. We might have the tarp and still order the fly. We might map more for a tarp and the gear to make it work than a fly costs. We might spend more in gas than the fly costs. Most of all it was best for us to do what ever we were going to do right now. This is a hard dynamic as that is much what real efficiency is about. This is all going away and I do not think I will be writing about it. It seems to get in the way of our fun.

—–

Eating is changing. Some do not eat. They are all intellectual or were. Some are or were outside the body.

We are eating now. Could be after we eat we will not want to go for a swim. Note the not swimming after you eat is a myth. Anyway before we might have planned on eating and then something would come up and we would really think we ate. Some of us only think about eating. Before we might be headed toward swimming and not know why as we don’t want to swim.

There comes a point in our understanding which we call solidifying. To write about it or talk about it perpetuates it. We seem to know when that is.

Dehydration

May 28, 2011

This PTSD body healing from trauma has huge issues with hydration. There are many reasons not in my control. One of them is the effort needed. The other is sleeping for long periods, i swim a lot and some times in a wet suit. Some are my fault. Smoking, diet coke and diet.

Anyway I found a way to quickly hydrate. Note: Drinking water takes about a week if you are really dehydrated. I eat watermelon and salt. It tastes good. Cucumbers and salt would also work I would guess. Might need the sugar in the watermelon.

For those that bought into the cutting down on slat or increasing good cholesterol helps and mostly to those who I got angry when I told them they were full of it. New studies show you wasted your time. Same with eating eggs.

———-

We are well pleased it is a day after therapy and it is only 2:00 and we are very much recovered. Little exercise a good sleep and we can start doing what needs to be done so we can work harder on Friday.

—–

Or we are really messing up and are tired and do not know it. That happens

When doing the work of trauma

May 28, 2011

We do the work of trauma in the context of a strong therapeutic relationship with a very strong therapist who practices with competence with regards to scheduling.  Most therapists suck at scheduling and do not even know it. As a group they are terrible.

Anyway when doing the work of psychoanalysis the brain works differently it is a unique experience. Well it can be. Like everything else some people that practice psychoanalysis are not good at it.  There is the concept of a good match. Some psychoanalysis would not be a good match for anyone. It seems most of them.

Anyway we have discovered something that is extreemly helpful. Any time we thought we had a chance to heal or the trauma has stopped any ideas and concepts that happened during that time is stored in a different way. It takes on an importance which is not understood. Because it is not understood it gets all mixed up. Most professionals would say it takes on an exaggerated importance. They do not understand how important it is to heal.

So we have a lot of good-byes to do. To honor all those times we tried to integrate yet did not know how. Pretty much integrating by creating a part just like we had always done. Multiplicity is the result of failing to integrate as the body does not have the resources to do so. The resources are spent in dealing with the effects of trauma not the trauma itself. The body handles the trauma very well. At least mine did.

Many of the things we have in our head are pretty fantastic and unrealistic. I will tell you one. You may have heard of a outfit called EMS Eastern Mountain Sports. I knew them when it was one room and only climbing gear. Pretty much a way for the owners to get cheap gear. I had this concept of putting together a kayak camping trip for those healing from trauma including multiples and those that are DID. I am good at logistics and talking people into doing things. I am confident that EMS would go for it. They could custom design a trip. I know how to arrange transportation from the airports. It would be all about just a normal time. It would not be about any healing other than what comes from just being as normal as we can. Maybe some allowances that our bodies have been under stress. Perhaps allowing for smoking as so many with PTSD smoke. Proboly would not tell EMS that. Pretty much we would just have to show up with clothes and we would be told what clothes to bring. Evreything would be taken care of from the air port to back to the air port. All costs would be known to minimize decisions. The concept is just show up and be. It would be a unique group that is for sure. I guess the criteria would be willing to try and if it rains on us than we would still be willing to have fun. This would not be a rapids thing or a great physical accomplishment. There would be no kayak experience needed.  Just a time to be. Just a few allowances like a hotel stay before and after the trip to prepare and rest. As I think about it is would not even tell EMS that were were healing from trauma or multiple. Just a group I know that got beat up from life and want a break. It would be fun to tell the guides at the end that we are all “mentally ill”

Then reality hits. Trip would be $500 for three days. Hotels $200 and figure $1000 for transportation with flights and all. So it would be a total of $1,700 by the time it was all said and done.

So that idea can not go away.  It will change to something that is possible.

Anyway that is the stuff that gets stored/stuck

Mixed up

May 28, 2011

Pretty much this is about the power of complex psychoanalysis and complex expressive therapy. Note: There are lots of myths about the study and treatment of trauma. Very few people have caught up. Many people who are borderline try to make that DID they just change the definition. And then there are those of us that are multiple.

Anyway it is understood by those that keep up that psychoanalysis is the preferred treatment for DID. Integration is considered the most favorable outcome. Those on that are ahead of the curve understand expressive therapy including movement therapy with psychoanalysis is preferred. It is understood that trauma needs to be processed by those that know how to help people heal. It is understood that Tia Chi is better for healing from trauma than yoga. What is needed to heal the brain is still stuck on DBT and cognitive therapy. There are right left brain things that can be done. You have to figure that out on your own. You have t figure out exercise on your own. It is understood that EMDR is not applicable other than when the trauma experienced is known and are events and not trauma from an on going relationship.

It is understood that healing is very painful and exhausting physically by a very few.

Anyway.

Between being a toddler and and infant a child sees what happens to other people and animals as happening to them. It is a learning thing and changes to epithetic understanding.   Note if you are left brained than none of this will make sense. I am wondering if that is fine as you don’t have to heal your left brain as you do not use it anyway.

So I saw hands being cut off as well as limbs of animals. This was done in a variety of ways. The state policeman somehow got a hold of a body and I watched him cut it up. He used a butchers saw. When I was 5 I had to watch a film called the butcher and that was pretty much the same thing.

So I started to curl my had up. This has happened in my therapists office often. I have a sense it happened yesterday with out me being aware. Right hand curled left hand not.

We started work on this 7 years ago. Then we started work on later trauma.

So there were things done because my hands were curled up. That is for later hopefully it will go on the ravel list which is a list of trauma that we have to go over later and if it stays on there long enough than we don’t have to do much work on it.

I have my whole life woken up and not been able to close my hand. I know now this is from my hands curling up so much. I they will curl so much that the blood can not get to my hands and the go to sleep. If I do not wake up than it gets so bad it takes a long time for me to be able to move my hands.

This is very very very complicated. People use there hands a lot.

How this is tied into how the brain works is well beyond current understanding.

I find it fascinating that both my dog who is now in my heart and my cat who is still with me have always lapped my wrists.

So what happened when we got anywhere near this wrist hand thing is we bolt. We physically move away from out therapist. Much of the work we have done on it has been on the way out the door.

It is frustrating as we could meet with out therapist for a few days and really deal with all this. Some day there will be a place where therapists and those that can help heal can go and do intensive work. I might be the one to build it. It would have to be privately funded other wise it would get all caught up in the learning to cope. The design criteria of this program is pretty simple. A place where one does not have to cope as everything is taken care of so the client can do the work and recovery from the work is the goal. It would have to be in residence. This is really looking forward to a better time. Perhaps when it is understood that it does not have to get worse before it gets better that is just as good as can be done right now.

Age 8

May 27, 2011

At age 8 we accepted being manipulative and lying as the best way to go. Not in a psychopath way just as a way to deal. We knew we were up against it and were to tired to try and find another way. Part of it was our training. We seemed to have left some away when we were 11. Just did not need them as we knew that at least in school there would be no MKULTRA. There was no way to get at us as the teachers were not all involved. Some of the teachers were in the cult. Actually only one.

With our training at MKULTURA we were not really afraid of abductions off the street. We learned how to avoid them and would taunt them when they would drive by. It seems we were known to be dangerous. We live and always will that if someone wants someone else dead and you stay away from  TV thinking somebody dies. It is that simple and nothing we can do about it.

We have no idea what happened in third grade except what went on in MKULTRA. It much have been bad as or parents made and attempt at being nice to us.

Don’t know why we are so tired we did not do any work in therapy. Smile. We know when we are tired from making sure we do not do work in therapy.

To be clear. I am aware that had I read someone else written all this 7 years ago I would have assumed they were delusional. I am not. I do not think I am a super spy. I do not think I can remote view. I do not think that the training I had at age 8 amount to any practical abilities. I can draw things form memory so which may be from my training maybe not.

Different Importance

May 27, 2011

I do not know what to call this. A state? A situation? An opportunity?

There were times in our life when we thought we were going to heal. It all got turned around into accomplishing something and those ideas are stored differently. I would say stuck but that seems like blame.

Perhaps best explained by example. There is no real order. At one time we thought golf was the answer. We would learn to golf and somehow that would make a difference. It comes from watching my father swing a club in the yard. I asked to swing it and had a natural swing. Still do. Might have helped if I did not see my fathers golf swing as the first one.  If he had any talent he never found it even though he golfed a lot. Before we had our first memories come into consciousness we bought a golf membership. We had a driving range membership and a cart membership.

We had a goal of doing every aspect of the game better than my siblings and father at the annual golf outing. We could beat them all at will already. Where we were weakest was in penalty stokes. If we did not lose any balls we would crush them. We even asked to have the siblings play together.

We were successful and then we went to lunch. No golf was discussed pretty much they were angry and disappeared me. I could see on the course they were looking for something to key into to dismiss me.

A real tough one was me winning the spelling bee. This was to make up  for me not being able to dance. It was held in the same place. I had lost my photographic memory during the trauma when I was 9.

By the way I was three when the golf thing came to me.

Another one was winning a ski race. I was a much better skier than the rest of my family. I won and remember saying out loud. Nope that is not it.

Perhaps the last one was when I build my house on the lake.

What would happen is there would be a lull in the trauma or there was a chance it was over. So we would try and figure out what to do. We knew by age three that we were on our own. To say we failed would be wrong to say we were successful at figuring out what to do would be wrong.

Anyway these things are all still with us. That is why we have a motorcycle in the shed.

Pretty much we missed it was how we experienced not what we experienced. We did not have any real model. My family is dull as a hoe. Even my extended family are dull.

—————

Yesterday at the end of glass class when we were tired there was a discussion about lighters. It was said they blow up. I was tired and did not want to process it so I asked “That is a myth right? Other people discussed it and I was very confused. Why are they talking about how it might blow up when it can’t. There were lots of memories about blowing things up some from the cults and some from MKULTRA. Back in the 70’s when the democrats spent a ton of money on OSHA to little effect there was a myth that the three welders had been killed. It never happened. They can lignite in rare conditions. I see that as different than blowing up. Pretty much the explosive force of that amount of butane can be contained in that vessel. It will not rupture.

Because I was tired this took on an importance that it would not have other wise.

If we are relaxed or as close as we could come things take on a different importance. In a way they are evaluated and stored differently. This is a problem in therapy. Used to be expressed as these easy days of therapy kill me.

Anyway at times we run through all these ideas that we thought would make a difference. It takes on a intense aspect. We can absolutely need to have a rowing shell that sort of thing.

Well what happens as a multiple is some take over. Which makes all these things not work. If they do not take over than it used to get all messed up. The motorcycle in the shed becomes a task for some and they do not understand and they are frustrated. The ones that want to ride the motorcycle are frustrated.

None of this is changed by just doing it. We accomplish what was wanted and we are told that is not it so we try something else or go back to an idea that we have not done.

We do not do the thing of we all need to cooperate. Even as described it seems to be more about if only “they” would do what “I” think should be done. Perhaps it mirrors what people typically do with a good idea. The creative people come up with it and the assemblers ask how to do it. It it works than for a while it is look how good we are doing. Then the assemblers take over and improve it until it has no meaning and is rubbish. The creative ones abandon the idea and the assemblers keep it going for a while thinking it is still a good thing. Very proud of their creation which is not theirs at all and is now rubbish.

This kinda thing kinda happens with us. Some of us change things and others get left away.It is a saw see thing in that some of us can’t listen and some can not express. It is all about connections not made due to the CPTSD.This is not a blame thing this is difficult.

As a multiple there are different ones of us present at one time. It is not a taking over of a host or anything. There is never just one that we know of at least not for very long.

It is a hard dynamic as the way it works for us as a multiple is each one of us has to separate in order to integrate. In a real way we each need to be and express or do and then we naturally integrate.

The concept of total integration is silly. We are never going to take an inner child to a knife fight. There was just a little flashback there. In Mkultra we would practice kills on a dummy made for sewing dresses. Then we would take plastic knifes and practice on each other. There was one instructor who was Korean. He either did not know or ignored that those in MKULTRA were not to defend and taught us some things about protection. Pretty much it the other person is dead you don’t have to worry about protecting yourself from them anymore. We liked that concept more than kill then kill ourselves. So learning some martial arts is stuck in a different place in our memory. We did take some classes. For us with our background it was way to much make believe. We understood at age 8 in a knife fight the one with the gun wins.

We get what is going on. We are doing memory work on when we were 9. Just nine. We had a huge advantage in the MKULTRA school. We got to go home and think. We also were the youngest and smallest even in that environment we were taken care of sometimes. Imposible to tell what was talent and what was our situation and what was from past experence. We did well in the MKULTRA school.

We figured out that the sniper had the best job. Blowing stuff up sounded good and had we not had the advantage of going on in the real world and doing a reality check we might have liked that better.

We would go to a bridge and see that unless it was a railroad trestle blowing it up was not going to happen. Towers could be blown up. That was about it. You need to drill to blow most things up.

So we figured to excel at being a sniper.

To be clear we don’t think any of this is “cool” We wish we were ignorant. We are not sure why we don’t buy into the gung hoe shit. Perhaps it is that we knew these people as a child and they were fucked up. We know some now and they are fucked up also. Never be the same comes to mind. Although we would not accept that they can never change.

When the Navy Seals do something we don’t not understand that a former Navy Seal Billionaire is training people as I write this and they will kill for money. There is no more honor in that group than any other. (Blackwater)

We know the most brutal cartel in Mexico was trained by US military personal.

We are a gentle soul. Not weak yet gentle.

We have never hunted. We have the opportunity at any time to go hunting. We have clients that have many acres of hunting ground and they ask us to go often. It would be great fun. Until after the kill. It is funny if you say kill many hunters will blanch. It seems the ones that do not are the ones that hunt for food. Might just be be projecting.

Writing this is making my palms sweat. That is a good thing. We do have the mind of a sniper and that means controlling our body to do what it does not want to do.

Pretty much all the truama, the training and the “mind control” made it hard for me to be me. So hard in fact that I became not mes. We like that not mes.

We are really getting this. Much of it is guilt. We were well aware that we were picking what to be good at when we were just nine. The criteria was how much alone we could be. The less we would be under control was out goal.

Part of it was who was teaching us. The academics who were teaching us much of the “spy” stuff were not competent. That is why they became academics. If you disagree with this try and navigate a University web site. They suck on all levels. They are actually worse than government web sites. The government web sites are harder to navigate as they spend more time on them having to work up to 4 hours a day. The government web sites have more difficult information to deal with and it does effect them somewhat if it is fucked up. There is a little oversight unlike Universities.

Off to therapy it is going to be a weird one that is for sure.

So still

May 26, 2011

So we napped again and had a little something to eat. We now start getting ready for therapy in the morning. It is a pretty easy getting ready as we did not get to do what was wanted last time as out situation did not allow for it.

Pretty much if all goes well we can go to therapy deal with what happens from going and then as far as we know next therapy session will be a bad one. We are not sure about that. It seems we only know really what is going on when it is just about over.

This was a very very smooth week for us and the memory work was very smooth. There is much that could have happened to derail us processing what we saw happen and what happened. It is that difficult.

We have a very very busy week next week. We have much work to do for money and we have a dentist thing long appointment. We have a site visit which will be pretty easy. We have glass class and we have a marble class. Then we have therapy on friday.

We have a lot in our favor not the least of which we know how to do the memory work. Least we did for one week. We are funded. We can zip out the door and go swimming in the lake when ever we want. We have the kayak and we have a light for it if we need to go at night to relax.

The negatives we have been living with for a the last 4 years and they at at least stable. Not much chance of making any substantial change.

So what do we need to watch out for? One is we may take on more work and we can not do it as we do not have time. Well we can not maneuver and of the work we have. We could maneuver new work perhaps. Our current client base knows us and will wait for us and knows better than to mess up our schedule for no good reason.Not much risk of having to chase money which is a pain.

What we have to watch out for is we do not schedule a meeting when we have therapy or glass class.

We will have to check with our therapist if her schedule is going to be different next month.

All this is based on we are correct that the CFS is on the wane. If it is not that we are in trouble. We would do a whole different program if we had to deal with the CFS. Pretty much get up each day and do the best we can untlil the jobs are caught up. Then fix what we could not keep up with and drop the glass class and the marble class.

Much of this is possilbe as the pain as diminished so much.The pain really wore us out.

We need to be careful in therapy tomorrow. When things seem like we have a shot at a decent week to much work tends to get done. We do not have the ability to take three days off from doing real intense therapy work. That would be likely for next week anyway. It does not look good for next week.