Archive for May, 2016

Out of Line

May 31, 2016

I was out of line with my post on CFS. Pretty much not respecting those that experience it and writing as if I had more understanding about that than I did.

Staying with it.

May 30, 2016

Edit–When I wrote this I was out of line writing about CFS and disrespectful of others experiences and portending a understanding that I did not have.


Guessing 8 years ago I rejected that anyone knew anything about healing from trauma that I needed to know. I went with instinct. I went with the problem was my experiences and not with me or how I handled them or the aftermath.

I went with I wanted to process the trauma. At the time it was a lonely endeavor as few experts or people who had experienced extreme trauma beloved this to be a path worth taking. Th theme was don’t stir up the pot and cope.

I am a multiple. Who the fuck can teach me about coping?

This lead to what was very important to me was those that died from the torture an my loss. Including my twin sister. For me I grieve and when I think of those I love most often I smile. That is healed to me.

I was in solitary confinement a lot in many different places. Captive most of my childhood in one form or another.

I went my way in the context of a strong therapeutic relationship. She knows she does not understand and listens when I speak and reads what I write. Much of it was horrific. One of the first things I rejected was the concept of depression. It is always framed as you are sad when you should not be. As extreme trauma is not part of what is studied I rejected those that study as being helpful. I refused to accept that coping was all I am capable of experiencing.

Cutting used to be the best I could do. It is in my past. I used to experience seizures , fibro, flashbacks, temporary blindness, paralysis, suicidal idealizations and deafness that and many other terms that used to be used to describe what I experienced are gone. I did not learn to cope I learned to heal.

This lead me to I need sun energy to heal. i went to South America for a month then was here for a horrible winter than in South America for the whole winter. This lead me to understand that not only did I need sun energy I need light. I live in New England and there is not enough light and sun to do the level of work needed to heal from my experiences.

While accomplishing all of this I was pretty much on my own with it. There is only so much my therapist can do in the short times I see her. Only so much can be expressed in writing.

So what we have accomplished is we now have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. The inability to tolerate both physical and cognitive exertion. It is now called “systemic exertion intolerance disease” and sometimes myalgic encephalomyelitis, meaning “brain and spinal cord inflammation with muscle pain,”. There has been at least 20 different names over the years and much of the time it did not exist to the experts.

It started 16 months ago. I was in Ecuador and went for a walk in the rain. Only about 3 miles.

So I am rejecting the advice of those that have named something they do not understand 20 times and call themselves experts. Pretty much when the medical profession has no answer the answer is change your life style. This works for them as you can’t and there for you fail not them. That and cope.


So my solution is to get sun energy and be in the light and I will heal and I will then take care of myself. What is going in is we are making the CFS much much worse. When angry I often tell my therapist that therapy is easy. Stop doing what works and things will be worse and hope something better comes a long.

So we are going to have CFS a thing that is in the past. It is going to take a while. We think we have discovered the way to heal from it. We have to stay with it and it is hard.

The whole life style change thing has proven to only last for a short while. It is a mask for underlying issues. Unless you have something different than extreme trauma to heal from.

So we expect that we have been fatigued as we need to be. We could not be a fatigued as we were as a child. An adult body would die.

This is tied into breathing. We have been working on that. We have stayed away from forcing our breathing to be a certain thing. Been there done that. We have a think when stretching when our throat starts to close up. We just notice it and sometimes go back to the stretch that causes that response and sometimes look for one that does.

It is Kitty brushing time. As in at least once a day. We got our of breath doing that as he was fighting us and so we stated to hold our breath. We just notice it is all.




Sleep and Sun and Bridges

May 29, 2016

Written here a lot about sleep. This is not the knowledge that you have from the medical profession whose members have a 50% higher suicide rate than the general population. I do not consider them a source of information in this area or nutrition.

As far as nutrition goes they were selling calories in and calories out and they have in the last few years figured out how you body used food depends on many factors many which are unknown.

I have also written here much about the sun and light. The reason for the differentiation is when my body is in artificial light or when I am outside and there is not very much light my body adapts to this environment in many ways some unknown. What is most important to me is I can not do deep healing with out enough light and sun. By body is not capable. Now this does not mean I can not do the work of healing I can just not for lack of better words do it completely.

As I heal and I obtain and use sun energy in different ways a weird things happens that took me a while to figure out. It at first seemed counter intuitive until I came to understand it.  It is much like obtaining new levels of sleep. When I obtain a new level of sleep the result is I am more tired for a bit. What is happening is with the new level of sleep I heal and this takes energy and requires sleep and rest. It is hard as I morph back and forth until the new level of sleep ‘settles in” It is also hard as I want that go to sleep and wake up ready to go feeling. Thing is my ready to go did not include healing.

So with the sun as my body experiences new ways to use sun energy I need more of it. I am healing in ways that were not possible so I need more sun.

There is the aspect that I know that the weather will change and we have a life time of doing as much as we can when the sun is available and our body uses the sun in that way so healing is new.

So I need more sun and one thing that happens is we learn how to use up the sun energy in ways that we did not before. This is new and was confusing. We have had quite a bit of sun in the last two weeks. It takes a long time to build up sun energy in general and add to that we are using it faster than ever before.


It sucks is what it does.

We started to heal and we are now out of sun energy again. It is confusing as we would not have been out of sun energy in the past. It feels like the more we work to get sun energy the less we have as we use it up so fast.


So this brings me to bridges. This is how we get from times of less light and less sun to times of more light and some sun. The days are long enough and the sun high enough so light right now is not an issue as far as we know.

There is of course a problem with bridges if this was easy I would have healed long ago. What happens when we build a bridge with our sun energy is we leave some away on the other side of the bridge when the sun does come out. Just figured out that is when it happens. 

We need to figure out what that means to us now.


May 22, 2016

We are working on all the times we were alone in cages, holes in the ground, boxes, closets, tied or chained sometimes both. It is very hard work and very lonely. It is hard to be with people when doing this work.

Some of these times were not short. There were years and years where we were alone in captivity. most of our infancy was spent in isolation as part of the MKULTRA program. The behavioral scientists had in there mind that if our body developed with out external stimulus than it would develop into something special. It was based on the fact that premature babies had a harder time of it which in the 50’s was a new concept at last to academia.

This winter was hard in a new way and it will take at least most of the summer to recover.

We could not get to this work with our processing. Our processing has been interrupted many times. The processing the loss of those we loved was hard. There is still more work to be done. What we call the dark which is not depression is the most pervasive thing in our life. It never really left us not even with the switching.

We know we are onto something good. We still have a long road ahead of us. Uncharted waters not just for us. Trauma is seen as events and that is not the case with us. They only way to heal that we know of is to pretend it is about events and that is the way we heal from the effects.

What we need to do physically has always been outside the eat well bla bla bla thing. It is also outside the breathing thing as our breathing changes with how much light we have and trying to force a change is not effective.

What is effective is getting sun and then sleeping. Easier said than done.

We have not been seeing our therapist and that is just our situation. We still write to here a lot. A one way communication. Part of it is we can not create a situation where we can see her and recover form that type of work. Part of it is we were alone and that is how we need to heal. With in the context of a strong therapeutic relationship. I think we have seen her maybe 6 times in the last year.




The sun

May 9, 2016

It has been just a bad start to the spring. March was actually better than April and may started out cloudy and rainy. We have used it to learn and experience and have kept healing. It has not been much fun.

We are exhausted and punchy. We have to watch making errors as we are exhausted in a different way.

There is going to be sun for a few days and we are going to take it slow.

We have a sense this will be our last post on the sun, light and dark.  We will write again if we think we have something not covered here before.