Archive for July, 2010

Two Announcements

July 30, 2010

Two Announcements: A Conference and a Documentary Film

I. The 2010 ISSTD conference (October 16 to 18, 2010 in Atlanta Georgia, pre-conference October 14 and 15), includes three presentations that address ritual abuse and mind control:

1. “Torture-based Mind Control: Psychological Mechanisms of Installation and Continued Control “, a “Major Statement Forum Discussion” (90 minutes), by Ellen Lacter with panelists, Alison Miller and Adah Sachs.

2. “The Basics of Therapy with Clients Reporting Histories of Ritual Abuse or Mind Control “, by Alison Miller, a “Workshop ” (3 hours).

3. “A New Clinical Lens on Recovered Memories: Five Cases of Multi-Generational Dissociation”, by Sally McCollum, a “Paper ” (20 minutes), in which two of the five case studies involve ritual abuse.

The early bird discount to register for the conference is available through August 31, 2010.
Conference Webpage:

II. “Cult Witness: A Study in the Cultic Experience”, a documentary film co-directed by cult survivor, Samuel Stefan.

Here is the trailer:
I have watched this film and appreciated how the difficult subject matter was softened by great visual beauty.

The home version of the DVD costs about $29 U.S. dollars.
It may be purchased through the American distributor, Films Media Group, in three ways:
1. Call their toll free number at 1-800-257-5126 or 609-671-1000 – M-F, 8am-7pm EST.
2. Order by email:
3. Fax order to fax: 800-FAX-ON-US (800-329-6687)
Include all of your contact information.

The distributional DVD can be purchased online. It is more expensive because it includes public screening rights:

Last Post

July 27, 2010

This last post is about what I had to figure out on my own in the context of a therapeutic relationship that had I known this work would have been easier. Most of it is about my body and now my memory works differently than it would had I not experienced extreme trauma starting at birth.

My body temperature which is controlled by my hippo campus functions differently, it functions well in times of danger. Doing the work of therapy I had to learn that I needed to keep warm as my body temperature would drop. I would be come hypothermia and it was not directly related to temperature extremes that I experienced in the now.

One year I would take many many showers. Not to get clean to get warm. I do not know how many I do know the town sent me a notice as they thought my meter was faulty. This is how I stayed warm. I figured it out and bought an electric blanket. That is how I kept warm while doing the work of therapy for a year.  I think that it is the hippo-campus along with the rest of my brain constricts. It does this as a way to protect itself a reaction from being in danger so often. This danger was not sexual abuse. It was near drownings,  blood being cut off to my brain, being knocked unconscious, being shot at, abducted, spun until I threw up and gagged and hung from great heights.

What happened is when my hippo campus realized it was a bad feeling for my body. To my body it meant susceptibility to danger. To say this is learned behavior is like saying you can learn to have your lungs increase there capacity up to 10 %.

My corpus cerebellum was constricted. As it relaxed than the memories would come and my brain would constrict. Yoga mediation etc would relax my brain and it would function differently. Such things were harmful to me. The way I handled that was to swim very very slowly which is not my style. I ended up doing the side stroke one side three strokes one side then three the other. Not if I had started with this than I would have crashed and ended up in the hospital. My brain would separate and in effect I would be split brained.

Some people can remember back to their birth. If you can stay away from those with out this ability. They can not come close to understanding.

All traumatic experiences are not sexual abuse. Some tend to thing this is the case. Stay away from them there focus it to narrow.

I do not dissociate. Simple as that. What I experience is unrelated to reading a book.

Eating. I eat for the work I am doing. The understanding of it is way to simplistic. My body is different. In a way it gets confused. This has changed as my brain changes.

Sleep is different for me. It is different while doing the work of therapy.  My all mental health standards I am depressed due the amount of time I sleep. It takes a lot of sleep to heal my brain. The sleep patterns that I follow. I first assume that if I can sleep than I am tired. I tend to go to bed at around midnight and wake up at any where from 4:30 to 9:00 I then write and do work of therapy. II then sleep for usually three hours.  Then if I am not to tired than I do “Stuff”

Expressive therapy. For me it is not about this represent such and such. It is a way to access my memories and express what happened.

I needed complex expressive therapy and complex psychoanalysis. Cognitive therapy only deals with my left brain. It is harmful for me.

I am many different parts and there is not one host. We have many different hosts that were created starting when we were three. This is a natural occurrence with the training that I had based on centuries of knowing how to control people. I believe it requires extreme trauma at birth and specialized training. I am not going into this training if you want to research it look for books written by those from the Illuminati that have done such training.

I do not believe that there is  secret world order any more sophisticated or powerful than the catholic church. Just a bunch of warped people that talk to each other and join forces.

My memory is arranged in fugues. To me therapy is one long session with no time in between. I discovered this when I told my therapist we were t0 tired to pretend that we have not been here. We needed to be in some distress to do this work. Otherwise we would just go on a more pleasant fugue.

It was always fugues. What changed when we were 3 1/2 is we created hosts to go on the fugues.

So this is my last post. I will be writing to my therapist exclusively from now on and are considering stopping that. Pretty much this Blog fugue is over.

I am going to leave it open for a while. Should anyone want to comment it will show up in  my e-mail.  If someone should read this and they find out that they are poly-multiple and that they are a group of parts that go and do different things (fugues) and not one host with parts that are split off from them. I would love to hear from you.

This is added. Hand hugs and stand up hugs are most important to out therapy.

Gifts are also important. Not things of monetary value. A nice rock flowers, a photo or a found feather.

Journey on,


Post 999

July 25, 2010

These are all out of sequence. This post is the last of the drafts all in one posts. I found another blog that I did not know about. That was pretty much a test and was much about anger at not being like others who have the DX of multiple. It can stay the way it is.


Relationship with Abusers

I am starting to face/accept that I had a relationship with the abusers. I perhaps have an easier time not facing this as they were not close friends of my family not my family.

The way I have not been facing this is to have one abuser that I like. One of the two psychoanalyst from the MKULTRA program. The female. Why would I like a woman who abused me as a child? She hurt me less.

It is important to us that we accept how we felt about her before we start to worry about how we will feel about her as an adult. Not helpful to say our feelings were or are wrong.

This is a really big deal to us. So much so that we are avoiding our therapist. You see some of us already have a therapist from when we were 6. All the other abusers we can write off as bad people.

I have given up on trying to understand the motives of the abusers. How they came to be abusers and why the continued. I can not know.

Many of the abusers and all of them that I met outside of any group started the relationship with being nice. We call it the seduction. Sounds sexual it is not.

With this female abuser we know in our heart that the relationship went bad. We do not want to face that. We call it saving. We want to think that part of this was not all horrible. This is the first time we have “saved” a person. We save activities and times. Never was abused in a car. Not true. Never abused in the summer. Not true. Not abused until I was 3. Not true.

It got for a while that if I thought something was safe I assumed it was not.

Anyway we have till Thursday when we see our therapist to love this abuser. We probably will not make it that far. That is OK. Least we will get a lot of work done. That is our refuge this time. Till them we will make allowances for this abuser. She did what she did for our own good. That type of thing.

We really do not want to give up this delusion. We know we will not be free until we do.

It is important that we respect how we felt and that it was not wrong. We tend to jump to what we feel now. We were a child and are not anymore. That is the main reason for the difference in how we feel. We are in a way different situation.

I explain how different things were with this example. At one time in my world a day of prostitution was a good day comparatively. This does not mean I liked it rather I hated it less.

Today is a day that we usually go to therapy as it is Monday. In a way we still go to therapy. That is how we do these things.

Talk about transference issues. Good think my therapist is not blond. There I wrote it. This woman was blond. That is enough for now.
Pretty much this is what this blog is about. I do not want to write to my therapist. I know if I share this with her that I am going to have to deal with what this woman did.


Hardest Thing

I know that what ever is being worked on in therapy is the hardest thing. I am pretty sure this is the hardest so far and that is why it has not been done.

I don’t like the word programing. It is to futuristic sounding. If a person is beat every time they do something that is programing.

This is very very long term. All of grade 2 and 3. Grade 4 I am not sure about all of it. 5 and 6 still needs work and I think we have the rest of it.

I do not think I will be writing much more about the MKULTRA. Pretty much it was psyoanalsis with the intent of creating a “perfect person.” Each abuser having there own concept of what a perfect person is. It is way to confused to write about. It is not events it is a process.

There was torture and abuse that was used to soften me for the psychoanalysis.

I did want to write in case it applied to anyone else. There are some of us that only respond to questions. They were trained not to speak unless asked a question and not answer any question unless it was the correct person. That was about being a spy. Anytime we get anywere near this we do not do well. That is going to change.

It is a different dynamic than being told you will be killed or your family will be killed.

To understand MKULTRA one has to look at it from the history of the time and to know how much money was available to them. How much power and money a person would have if  they discovered a way to make a perfect citizen. This was not any great plan or anything. It was run with about as much expertise and success as the bail out program. Those in congress were losing money and so they panicked.


Being Healed is Rare

I am going to find that trauma is not as rare as I thought. Actually it is not that I thought it much trauma is hidden kept in the dark.

I still think being multiple is rare and dissociation is common. Just a guess from what I have been exposed to.

So healing, to face the trauma, to know it is what it is rare. Does not even mean it is desirable or a good thing. Just that it is rare.

I am beginning to find that my trauma is different it is rare as few have gone through MKULTRA and within the MKULTRA there are many different programs run by many different people.I personally am guessing that what I experienced is not as debilitating as betrayal by the family.

I was more than a little shocked to know how common ritual abuse is in the United States.

So may goal is the same. Work hard until therapy is not longer helpful. Oh bother.

I am pretty pissed not only at the fakes but those that don’t see it.

Ok this is a rant now about self harm. Death is not self harm it is death. I knew of this at age two with animals and humans at age 8 and saw the last person killed when I was 12 or 13.

Self injury is injuring your self. Permanent self injuring is self injuring where you can not heal completely from the injury.

I knew exactly how to kill myself with no pain at age 4.

I have 28 stitches in my wrist and 8 in my thumb.

I have scars on my legs and hands.

I feel safe except when the ability to kill myself  is not available. Which takes me being restrained. Note: I have never been restrained in a hospital. That is not true I was when they dislocated my arms and legs and other procedures done with drugs and electricity. Calling it electric shock treatment is wrong as I found the electric shock treatment to be easier to take than the other electric shocks. That ended when I was 8 the hospital visits the torture continued.

I can not be suicidal as I would be dead.

Do I have a plan of course I do. Anyone who is trained in MKULTRA to do what I was trained to do has many plans. Where to hide, where to steal and how to kill oneself or the enemy.  It is all subconsciously done. That is the fucking point.]

I am not like other people that have been traumatized. I don’t have fear. Iwas trained how to take care of myself in very dangerous situations. Trained to resist torture by being tortured.

I can walk out the door right now and likely survive.


I Don’t Want to Have Experenced this Trauma

I Don’t Want to Have Experienced this Trauma.
I do not want to heal I want to have healed.
I do not want to do all this work. To go all through all this pain. To spend by time this way. To so often suffer more loss as I am working so hard on what happened.
So I don’t get to get what I want. What I get is a chance to do the work to heal.
Sometimes it is not so nice to think that is the chance I have. Some time I feel like the most luckiest unlucky boy in the world.
Not doing this work alone

We are not doing this work alone even when we are not in therapy it is now done in the context of my relationship with my therapist. This is new as we all seem to have some connection with our therapist.


July 25, 2010

Out of sequence. I did decide to go with my current therapist. For me Complex Psychotherapy and Complex Expressive therapy was the way to do. My therapist is well capable of doing this with me.

I need to make a decision.

Actually I have to talk myself into the one I already made.

There are therapist who have worked with those that were in MKULTRA. Some have written about it. There are survivors who have written about it. So I could talk to therapists and do some research. For me to do a complete job would be about $1000 and take 60 days.

I am sure that I would find much that I could use. One of the dynamics of being in MKULTRA as they believed there would be no memory. They talked freely about what they were doing and the effects. I can’t tell how much they were just bragging or trying to get more funding.

I do not want to be confused with what other people experienced. I know that in the group of kids I was with that I was treated different than the other kids as I was the youngest and I got to go home. That and I was traumatized from the day I was born.

My therapist has not worked with anyone that has been in MKULTRA.

I am going to go with what I know. I am going with the relationship I have with my therapist. I might be making a mistake. It might be best to learn what I could.

The work of therapy is not a career change for me. I am going to get done with it. This is not my life long journey. So I don’t care about what others experienced in MKULTRA. Each sector of MKULTRA was different. In my sector all of us were tested and that determined what our specialties would be.

I think it would be easier to piece it together myself. I did that with the RA and that seemed to work.

I know what I want to do now I have to ask my therapist what she wants to do. I don’t know how well I have explained all the MKULTRA stuff. We have done a lot of work on the hypnosis and that went well. Some of the MKULTRA was pure trauma. That we have worked out for the most part.

It amazes me that a spinal tap done with out any pain killers can be processed by myself in the context of my relationship and after a few days it is just a memory. It helps there was no personal relationship with the Dr that did that part of it. I only saw him a few times.

It think the MKULTRA stuff is going to be most about the therapists worked for the program when I was 6,7,8.

I think I understand more now. Pretty much I was trained to not be afraid and I am good at it. I am afraid now.

I find this interesting I have zero problem with new places. Old places that have changed upset my photographic memory and are a problem. I am aware of this now as we are working on the memory training at MKULTRA.

This training is trauma based. It is a whole different dynamic. Think going to school and you are hypnotized when you get there and when you leave unless they mess up and then they leave you in a place that is very bad. You might spend the day being tortured or you might have lessons. You might have a crash course and are supposed to catch up with what the other first graders were learning. I could do it that does not make it easy.You might have a day of horror that an adult could not handle or it might be a day of prostitution and or pornography which is not that bad as long as the people that are paying to abuse you are nice. Exorcisms are not that bad in the scheme of things.

I Don’t Like All Survivors or All People that Are DID.

July 25, 2010

Out of sequence.

I kinda thought I had to. I don’t. Some are a real pain. Some are know  it alls and pretty much just regurgitate what some one else said or wrote. Some think they are special because they were hurt. Some want to tell others what to do.Some are arrogant.

Some are manipulative and some are manipulated.

I seem to like or dislike singletons, survivors, people that are have the Dx of DID for the same reasons.

The Youngest of the Young

July 25, 2010

out of sequence.

I was starting to beat myself up about being tired all the time. I tried to accomplish that the other day but I was to tired. I started thinking of all the things I could to to get more energy. Maybe some herbs. A more regimented diet. Exercise twice a day. Spend more time in the sun. Maybe one of those lamps that wake you up gradually with light.

I have given up on saying I make this harder than it is. We said that in therapy so many times and saying it there for some reason show us that is not true.

I think the same thing is true if we say we are tired all the time at a time that we are in therapy. We don’t as we are afraid our therapist will come up with the same solution that we did.

Working with the youngest of the young is tiring. I am not sure if it is more or less tiring than any of the others. It is not connected in the same way. It is adult thinking that is the problem.

The 44 from under age 10 are not about taking care of babies. The babies are twins. One right handed and one left. I do not know the pressure of a girl to not be a baby. I do know the pressure on a little boy. It is immense.

We right now are thinking terrible thoughts about ourselves and how we treat the baby twins. We have come to find in these situations that is where we start and then we understand that we are not horrible.

I have no idea why I think this to be true. The baby twins are the ones that can join us so we are 22 and not 44. No that is not right that is to simple. Huck and Charlotte are twins. Yet Wendy who goes with Charlotte has an unknown twin.

None of us find having different parts amazing anymore. For some of us that existed as singletons in there mind it was a thrill at first. As far as I know we are all used to it.

None of us are totally stuck in time that I know of. We all developed to some degree. We all know concepts and words beyond our DID age. I am like the term DID age.

I think I have somewhat of a sense of who Wendy’s twin is. I know he is 5. I know where is starts and stops. That is enough for now. We have stuff to do.

There is a different resistance to this work with the babies. It started about a month ago when they laid down on the floor in therapy and could hear things and touch things. I do not think the opened their eyes. I caused much work and much disruption. I think that is the resistance. We have found that the initial disruption is typically the most disruptive and then after that it is more smooth.

When parts come out at first it is faking for us. It does not feel like it is faking it is faking.

Why not to process trauma

July 25, 2010

Out of sequence

It is was not OK to tell my inner self that it is peaceful when it is not. First I had to process what caused my inner self to not be in peace.

It was not OK to tell any of my inner children to play when what they needed was to tell their story first. Not OK to tell a child they should be happy when they should not be.

All sexual abuse is traumatic physically and emotionally. All experiences that are  is emotionally and physically traumatic are not sexual abuse.

Top ten reasons not to process trauma.

  1. It is hard work
  2. You will be maligned by those who hold the believe that your trauma can be dealt with with out learning how to process trauma
  3. It hurts
  4. It feels like you are losing more of your life to your abusers.
  5. It is disruptive to the world in which you know live.
  6. It will cause severe self doubt.
  7. It is so hard you may become exhausted and then be blamed for being exhausted

Common of All Abusers

July 25, 2010

Out of sequence.

I have searched and searched for what all the abusers have in common. This is obviously only my abusers. What is common with the abusers and those that hide from that they exist. I was not looking to profile them as in they have these characteristics. I was not trying to understand why they did it. The abuse of power or that it was all about control seemed to me to be a factor it was not what I was looking for.

They were all cowards and all needed the protection of being in a group. The group might be teachers, policemen, mental health professionals, selectmen, church members CIA, army, masons or what ever. They were all cowards and had no personal strength or courage.

It is often said that a person who is abused lives in fear. I lived in fear. The fear that I was a coward just like them.

Note: I have sense found that all abuses can not see the world as anything but them.

Spy School

July 25, 2010

Out of sequence

We have never had any luck changing what something is called. The term spy school seems a crazy term. Unbelievable in fact.

I was tested in the first grade and found to be a good choice for spy school. I had already been traumatized as a way to soften me up for the spy school. Starting at birth.

I was what was called a Perfect. A child who had been abused by birth and my family was totally unaware. Some of the other children were from families that knew some of what was going on.

Some had no family at all. They were not perfects as they did not have another normal life. The term perfect is also a term that we do not like.

In the second and third grade I was regularly in the spy school.

For me it is most important to know that the trauma that I experienced after all other trauma was different than had I not experienced the trauma that I did. I got good at it. I did it with fugues not dissociation.

Accepting What is Not

July 25, 2010

Out of sequence

Looking back what works for us is accepting how things are for us then and only then can there be change.

Exercise is a good example. Exercise for us before was not good for us. It caused us to crash, increased agitation and caused fugues. Mediation, yoga listening to music or waves were a horror. Once we accepted this that we could figure out how to make it not so for us.

This just in. We were given biographical information in the MKULKTRA school and told to memorize it and become it. We were good at it. That is what the we are different people was about.We have been chasing that around for a long time. We do not know how many times this happened. We practiced with comic books. Then we were given a typed bio is what it was called.  I created this bio. A task in keeping the lies somewhat with reality. I would be an orphan all my family killed in a car accident on December 23 in Gary Indiana on Route 66 or route 99.