Panic Attacks

I do not experience what others report as panic attacks. I have and the same physical experience it seems. I do think I am going to die and can not breathe. It feels like my heart is going to explode.

Before I ever entered therapy I had a few and they always came not when under stress but the opposite. Things would be going well and it looked like I could take some time off and such. I know now it was when it looked like the winter was going to be OK as things were set up so we could get through.

I never addressed the panic attacks in therapy as what was known about them did not apply.  It is not outside my experience that what is though to be true by those that study and those that follow them is not the case for anyone.

So it is called post traumatic stress for a reason. When I was 15 was the first time I was out of danger in that I had moved and there was a physical separation between me and the human traffickers.  I had my first panic attack. It was from seeing a root cellar. I thought I was going to die and was at my FOO house so I knew there would be no help. I laid down and learned how to breathe through it and that is what I went with for the most part when ever it happened. With out knowing it I kept things going fast so I never relaxed and had a panic attack.

I have been having them with quite a bit of frequency as of late.

We are wondering if there is more about panic attacks that we need to know before we were not in direct contact with the human traffickers.

We still believe that the traditional concept of breathing used by therapists is not applicable to PTSD.

 

Update

It has been a hard go round.

I am multiple. I am back in therapy as we can physically handle the work that needs doing. It is to hard in the winter.

It is much about my brother who was murdered. There is on who was with our therapist today. I am multiple. He reached out and touched her hands and then cried. We are exhausted. We came home and slept.

We want this to be over.

All but blindsided

We had a good day and got some sun and stretched and ate a little worse. We have been processing the murder of a baby boy who happened to be black. We call him our brother as he was.  We have done lots of good work with the memories of him being killed.

We had in our mind based on what memories we have brought into consciousness that he was born deformed. That is not the case. He was tortured to death. I only had remembered the last part of his life.

So we are not feeling that well. This is not the first time we have done memory work which included someone being tortured to death. Human traffickers are a sick group of people.

This will be a lot of work. It will be hard. We have enough sun and light. We also know that for us the work is done when we grieve the loss of my brother. We are not dumb this will also cause other memory work.

We think we know what to do. One of the hardest things is dealing with the rest of the world. It is so hard to do this work and then be or even talk to other people. We are not dealing with the same reality.

We know we can heal from this. We know those that love us and know little about this want us to heal form this. We know our therapist thinks she can help and wants to help.

Reality is we know there is no place in the world that is better than here to do this work. There should be there is not.

 

 

Update

Went to therapy for the first time in months. We are going twice this week. It took all we could do to get to here. Processing the murder of my brother has been very hard. Each loss is different. This is different than the murder of my sister as she died of exposure when the cellar we lived in flooded. That was hard also. It is different as my brother was kicked in the head until he died. It is different as I took care of my brother and my sister lived in her own cage so she and I took care of ourselves.

We are a multiple and part of the reason is the death of my brother. We were multiple before that this fractured us even more.

So we are messed up but nothing like before and we are optimistic. A lot is going on and everything is a risk and we are making a lot of mistakes. Nothing for it.

We may not be writing here for a while. It does seem the intense bringing things into memory is quieter for now and we are dealing with more multiple stuff which is easier.

A corner turned. Grafhic

I was sold to human traffickers as a child and the human traffickers sold me to a program run by behavioral scientists to try and create a supper being. They failed. Part of the program was to have me as an infant develop outside the womb with our human contact. The first part of my life was in a hospital setting and then it was cages in the basement of two houses.

The basement flooded and my twin sister died a horrible death. I almost died and in part it was a broken heart. I had never touched by twin and we had a special way of communicating. That was also part of the program. ESP and all. I am also Irish and the idiots thought I had a 6th sense. Everyone does.

So the behavioral scientist came to know that if a child was left in a cage with no human contact they died.  So the human traffickers but a black baby who was severely damaged when born in the cage beside me. He did not respond to the normal method of having ice water thrown in him to keep him from crying. Normal in that the human traffickers knew this worked. They have been doing this for many generations and the new twist was the program and the protection it allowed.

The only way my black brother would stop screaming is if he was in my cage. I would hold him and he would be quiet.

When he was asleep I would sometimes sneak our of my cage and to outside to get sun. It was very painful after being in the dark most of my life.  I just knew I needed it. I could not take may brother. I went outside and got sun it was brutal and it was hot. I went up against the granite foundation and fell asleep. Remember I lived in cages and had most of of my life I was about three. I could hear my brother screaming and could not put together what a danger that was to me. Not even the cold water treatment. What happened was worse.  The professor who was in the family of the human traffickers was awoken from what was most likely a drug and alcohol stupor. He staked my brother and in the sun with ropes in the hot sun. My brother would not stop screaming and so he and I were kicked as we we lay on the ground. I never made a sound. My brother would not stop screaming and did not until he was kicked in the head so many times he lost consciousness and never recovered. Dark came and it was cold to us laying on the ground. In the morning we were put back in the cages. My brother in one and I in the other. He started screaming. Guessing the professor just left and then Page came home from what ever horror she was experiencing and knew to put my brother in the age with me. I was sunburnt and in much pain. My eyes were swollen shut as were my brothers. I and my brother were in agony.  He was close to death. I held him as his soul would leave his body and then come back to a body in agony. My soul also would leave and come back to be with my brother.

The father of the professor who at least in the 50’s was considered a DR at least to do abortions came and got my brother and listened to his heart and determined he was dead. Page and gone and got him I just remembered that. So the Dr took my brother out of the cage by dragging him by his feet. He then picked up my brother by the feet and started to carry him off. I followed as I went with my brother. As we walked across the lawn where the stakes were still in the ground. I just remembered that I reached up to hold my brothers hand. He came to life and the Dr dropped him. I laid down and held him and he died. The Dr checked again more closely and determined he was dead. The Dr than threw my brother over the banking into a trash pile in a wet area. I moved to go be with my brother and collapsed. I was taken to the infirmary and nursed back to health. The professor who was psychotic froze my brothers body and thought I could bring him back to life or steal his soul of some other crazy thing.

He was put on a bench which Page was later to be tortured to death on. I could not bring him back to life and his body smelled of death as it thawed and his body was thrown into a stream. Just remembered that.

For me it was off to live in a closet form more crazy Mkultra stuff and torture rape etc.

How accurate is this? No idea. There are parts of it that are in my photographic memory and not in dispute. The rest might be a little wrong.  I seem to know or perhaps have learned when I have it where it needs to be for me.

We are not dumb we know this means we will now process the time in the closet some more. it was a horror.

The guilt I carried about my brother has been a weight that was with me always. It is starting to leave and is hard work.

At some time there will be a soul retrieval.

I have been working on healing from this since my brother died.

Ruminating.

We heard this term when we had one of our miss dx and bundled it in with not much worth knowing was known about it. We went with if we were ruminating there was a reason for it.

We have been always adamant  that just breathing things away was simply a mask. We observed the yoga cycle. I am doing great I am doing yoga it works. I am not doing great must be I am not doing yoga. Repeat over and over.

We allowed it might be the answer for some although never found a credible example. What we fought was people saying it was THE way for everyone.

We understand now our breathing is much different than anyone knows about and we find it credible that it is from our experience of torture and captivity starting as close to birth as medically possible and not completely stopping until we were 13 and the daily threat not really going away until we were 17.

We though much hard work within the context of a strong therapeutic relationship although for the last two year it has been mostly us alone writing to our therapist. I think we have seen her 12 times in the last two years in part as we were in South America for 7 months.

Anyway. We have discovered that we can breathe some of us our of existence. This comes from being blanked, crucified, in cages where we could not breathe as they were to small for us to be able to move our diaphragm etc. Lots of etc.

So we have discovered that if we start to ruminate than we can simply do nostril breathing and we stop. most dramatically when trying to go to sleep.

So the solution seems to be for those that are ruminating to decide they wish to do nostril breathing.  The solution is not for it to be forced on them.

Living in cages

Living in cages is bad. Having lived in cages is bad.

Patterns and Todo List

I notice patterns. might be a gift might be my experience. It is harder to notice patterns I have. Part of the work of healing.

The hardest thing for me to deal with is the loss of those I loved. The healing from this is done with in a pattern which is caused by the horror of the captivity starting at birth in the MKULTRA program and not ending until I was 13. It manifests itself in the seasons and is directly related to how much sun and light I experience. It does not correlate exactly to how much light and sun there is available. In part this used to be what I was doing in the now. I might not be in the sun or light due to circumstances. It is also not linear as the effect of having sun and light is not immediate and is greatly influenced by the time I was with out enough sun and light.

This pattern has always been of the utmost importance in our life. Within this pattern was the loss of those we loved and the horrors when we did have enough sun and light. All memories are somewhat stored in this pattern.

There has been 4 years where we had enough sun and light when we did not live in New England. Our life was still in this pattern.

Ironically we were the best we know at getting light and sun. We had no concept of how to heal. We had no reason to know it was possible.

Our todo list would scare anyone and it is scaring us right now. In part as our todo list has changed. In 1993 a time of much sun and light our todo list was to find out what was wrong. That lead to years of searching and not finding. Including 7 miss DX a divorce and custody battle on meds. Physically and financially we will not live long enough to recover. Well physically we have a shot.

Then our todo list was find a way to find everything that was wrong. It than become find a way to heal from all that we found that was wrong. It than became find a way to have the strenght to be sadder than sad and grieve.

In a real way what we have found is we need to add find out what to do with this pattern that exists to no fault of our own. The only thing that is not on our todo list is find out what is wrong. The childhood that was provided for us is what was wrong. Everything else is still on the list.

It is overwhelming. It is not that we are overwhelmed.

Right in this moment all we got is when we know what the issue is we have had more success than when we have not. Success being measured in the context of what fate has given us to deal with.

This has been a very frustrating day. Mostly writing and searching. It seems that when some of us are out and there is enough light and sun we are ill. They can not be our in good conditions with our us being physically ill.  Many times ending up in the hospital with our ribs inflamed to the point of our whole mid-section being bruised. It is physical. It is involuntary.

Right now it feels like this changes everything and we have to start over once again. We expect it will be come just one more piece of information we have to deal with.  It is hard when we fight so hard to understand something we are worn out by the time we get to it.

 

 

 

 

Alone

We liked to think that some of us took care of the others and we did. Reality is we could only take care of them when things were less horrible. There were times when physically we were not able to be and so others were alone. So alone we did not even know of them. Often they were all but dead. Reality is when they started to be alive others of us took over. It was not uncaring or anything. It was not that we were abusive. It was we were not physically able to know. It was impossible in our environment and situation. It became how we lived as the next horror or time of no light and sun became what we knew.

So what to do. What we have is expressing. One and as far as we know is our core expresses only in therapy as far as we know. He looks to the left sometimes with others he looks elsewhere. He takes a photographic image for later.

 

 

The Strength to be Sad.

It takes a lot of strength to be sad. I would much rather run a marathon.

Looking back what happened is we took a swimming class. It was a Total Immersion Swimming class. It was one day. We were in a pool in the morning and we went in a lake in the afternoon. We got hypothermia. If you get true hypothermia you are very sick afterwards. We had driven there about 3 hours and then drove back that night. Had we stayed in a hotel the night before or after we would have been Ok. We did not have the money. We also did not eat. It was also in a place where we had spent time as a child so there was memory work.

It was about this time last year and we never really recovered heading into the winter. We did not know it as we were doing the work of therapy and we always feel like crap. There is the aspect with us that there were years spent in an environment where hypothermia was the norm. There was also extreme temperatures as torture many times.

The taking the class was ill advised and done just so we could say we did something.

This winter was hard. We did a lot of good work. We were bed ridden all of Feb. and in the emergency room at least three times. Looking back we had never really recovered from the hypothermia.

We have not yet really and we are a few weeks away.

Today was the first time in a long time we had the strength to cry.

It is not that we are weak. It is just plain fucking hard.

Note: This was written last night and right after writing I started sweating, throwing up and was dizzy.  I expect it was all about emotion being released. I hope so. We do feel better than we have in a while this morning. We will see.