OK

I posted this morning that we needed to get to the tanning booth. This is what happened.

We woke up out of it. We know now it is sunshine deprived. There are other factors such as the trip etc. What never ever made sense is we are well capable of doing something like going on this trip. We never had any idea what was the matter. It was always the sunshine. We subconsciously always got enough sun as long as we had the freedom we needed to do so. We did not know to make the freedom happen at all costs. This is not to say the trauma is not the cause of us needing the sunshine the way we do and it is certainly part of the reason we never consciously knew. We as part of the MKULTRA program were in the dark under the theory that we would develop stronger outside the womb. We were kept in harsh conditions as a way to make us stronger. What does not kill you makes you stronger.

So we went for a swim which is our go to when we are messed up. It was fortunately a wonderful swim. We did some banking for out trip. Removed a little snow from my mothers driveway. We went to a planning board office. That was fucked up as we had to go through a check point as there is a court in the same building. We always carry a knife and had to go back out to our car. We are well known at this planning board as a no nonsense consultant so there is a little wanted tension there. We went and got our pocket phrase guide for Spanish. We speak none. We decided we were going to open the book and memorize the first phrase we saw. We decided we do not need to know how to say “I think I am pregnant.” Not sure about much in the world that one we are pretty confident with.

We called a good friend and told him we were going. We laughed when he said “There you go.” we understand each other and he knows that covers it. He like me is not scared of much. He is straight forward. “I only drink beer because I have to I am not kidding anyone.” Is on of his classics.

So I am in the city and get a call that some paperwork is ready for me to review. Before if I could I would have gone. This time I came home and took a nap. It was one of what we call our 4 square sleeps. Both sides and front and back we just automatically turn.

During the day we knew this was much much better than the last 10 years this time of year due to all the trauma we have processed and knowing about the sun. This is the first winter of our life we have any experience knowing how much we need the sun and using the tanning booth.

So we woke up and then knew we had messed up and not gone to the tanning booth. We went for 8 min which is the longest we go. We shut it off at 6.5 min we had had what we need. We were a little sick as we were so deprived.

We still are not right. We could not go to Zumba. We known now this is what always happened. Actually we could have gone and always would have. We would just push and push as we knew nothing else.

So it is a tad scary to be going to South America when we are not up to par. We are as sure as we can be that once we have enough sun we can come into it. There is the think of the high elevation and maybe to much sun. We will have the ocean to cool us off.

We are using $100 a day as our measure. We like that as we can keep track of things in a different way.

So we are going for a swim. Our gym membership runs out on the 2nd. We will pay $10 if we need some aerobic exercise. The Zumba might be enough. Actually it will not be. We need to go at least once this week-end which means Sat.

We have therapy tomorrow and on the way to the pool we are going to check on that.

We do need to get our hotel reservation.

We totally spaced thinking about therapy in the way to the pool. That is unusual.

Time for sleep.

 

OK

We finished writing which was the work of therapy and clunked. We slept for 3.5 hours.

It is the work of therapy that caused the clunk. That we used to have such a hard time recovering was the lack of sunshine.

I am more and more convinced that the understanding of a PTSD body and what is needed for it is a critical flaw and why treatment is so hard to take. The concept of treating the body like it is the same as all other bodies and hoping for it to react the same is just not working over all. It is a function of the focus on the emotions. With out the focus on the emotions the body can not change. Without treating the body differently the focus on the emotions is ragged at best.

Although my understanding is credible it is not with out possible flaws in that it could just be me. Thing is no one would know if I was correct. It may just be my experiences that give me this understanding. I am well aware of the propensity to “believe”  what works for me everyone should be doing. Everyone has that.

Anyway. We are on our second day of no swimming or exercise.

Parts of our brain are just not there right now. It is in part due to the switch that we just did. That is not the whole story. If we had enough sunshine that switch would have been totally different and better for us.

Not dwelling on it but it shows our progress. With out the tanning booth these two days would be the start of a crash. The crash might not happen until the middle of the summer. This would be the start of it.

It is not as if all I had to do was get enough sun and I would heal. Reality is if we got enough sun I did not even have a clue that something was wrong.

In the recent past as in the last few years our solution would be to keep doing what worked as we did not know about the sun. We would get tireder and tireder and get to the point where out of desperation we would start listening to other people. Actually it was not desperation our brain was just gone.

We have been doing the work of therapy now for I guess 9 years. That is not evidence of competence and could be evidence of incompetence.  Here is the thing. In those 9 years we have not been substantially incorrect. Not that we have not screwed up. We have totally been more correct than the experts of trauma and those that claim to have healed. In my evaluation.

So what to do. Reality is we are losing ground bit by bit. Nothing major. We are so pleased we are headed to the sunshine. If we were not we would have to start fighting to get through to spring in the hopes that we were not in brutal shape so we lost most of the summer. We of course had doubts about going to Ecuador. At least for now there are none.

Now this is a interesting part of it. We do have right now the desire to be with someone as in be with people. This would perk us up a bit. Thing is we would still be losing energy.

We get now how much of our life we were dragging ourselves around and did not even know it. Part  of the reason is when we were with people we would perk up. We very much learned this in therapy as our therapist does not push to have us perk up.

We are going to e-mail her now. It will be kinda a apology as she is missing out on much of the fun of the trip. We sure do not like it when people do that to us.

We are going to hang tonight and set our head to go to the tanning booth. We can not go tonight.

Sun is not scheduled to be out for at least a week. This would drain us totally before.

Happy as we can be.

We have figured out that we will be as happy as we can be to go on this trip. Pretending we are fine or everything is fine would in effect leave some away. So that is not what we are going to do. It is a matter  of sometimes you need to be sad before you can be happy. The reality is the more we stay with our reality the more we can change our reality. This is an example of one way therapy works for us. We can tell our therapist what we are doing and she and I will know that nothing is wrong with me and that  I know what I am doing. It is ironic. My therapist really wants me to be happy. She does not want me to fake it.

______________________

We get more how my mother is. We actually get how people are now. We do not pretend we understand the why or what is going on internally. We have always been able to predict people fairly well and allow for being surprised.

My mother creates he own unreality. Always. It is always going to be better than it will be. One thing she does is make it better than it was. When things are not right she blames other people until she can ignore the whole thing.  It is important to understand the scapegoat thing. She was going to my brothers out of state. She called me and was upset about my fathers death. I forget the lead in. Anyway the real purpose was to express her frustration with things being the way they are for her so that she could be fine at my brothers. Pretty much put the problem on me.

Now with this trip it could go either way. She could want to be claim it in some way. Something to tell her friends about. Pretend that she has some part in it. Reality is she does have a part in it. If my father had his way the family would never have left the state. Maybe not even the country. She was the better of the two. I am glad my father died first. This is not I am glad he is dead. It really makes no difference to me.

It is pretty ironic. I am taking Kitty to my former wife’s for the trip. I have to be aware that my former wife may use this contact somehow. A way to try and get her to twist reality. Reality is I was more than happy to not be married anymore. I was not more than happy that my former wife used our children. The divorce took 15 min. The child custody years. She is in many ways like my mother. Neither my former wife or mother are bad people. In a real way they are not real people at all.

My former wife might say something like she does not hate me or bla bla bla. A pretend emotional in the hopes that she will get something out of it.

The thing is with all of this is it takes energy to protect myself and figure out what they are doing. just knowing it is fucked up works with most people and I just ignore them.

Both my former wife and my mother’s behavior is based on how they think I am doing. They adjust to me. If I seem to be doing well it is what can they get if I am not doing well it is a opportunity to blame or twist reality. It is really just an inconvenience most of the time. Most of the time it is not even an issue. The thing is that I really do not care that much about either of them and they just really do not accept that. I also have no respect for them and I have to make sure that does not show. It would just be mean is why.

Both my mother and former wife are intelligent and creative in there own way.

I guess I would label them both repressed. Which means afraid. I used to support them both in doing things. It  is just the way I am. That was my role. I am just naturally encouraging. I just got to the point where I did not care.

This is pretty easy processing for me. This is what sticks out to me. With both of them the thought occurred to me “OK what is the risk here how are they going to try and use this contact for there own purposes. What will the deception be?

Much is made of trust with this work. Thing is I do trust. If anything to much. I now can kinda leave a marker. With the open glass studio. I am canceling it for a month. Things may change. I may lose the having open studio which is a good very very good gig for me. I am doing the open studio the way I want and that just happens to mean it is unlikely that I will lose it. Before I would have jumped to what am I going to do if I lose it. I now know what I am going to do it all depends on what happens and I will grieve the loss. To be clear my position is very very secure. As secure as it can be and the little weakness that exists is not mine. I will give an example.

A glass artist that does not come t0 the studio anymore is really the one that made it all happen. Her efforts and knowledge are what made it what it is. She is in her own league with her knowledge it is not even close. Reality is I am the only one that knows that. The other people like the other instructor better and that transfers to she is knowledgeable and skilled. Reality is the work as far as art goes has stalled. I have myself kinda stalled. I am making more intricate and larger marbles. They are seen at the studio as “better” reality is they are intricate and bigger. If you put them beside my other marbles they are not “better” I am more skilled. That just means the marble is more likely to come out the way I design it and I am quicker. This writing is really about starting to say good-bye to what the glass work meant to me. It will mean something different to me when I get back from my trip. Just the way it is.

I have decided not to sell my marbles to people I know. I like to show them to people and if I sell them than that changes the dynamic. I may be OK with selling them at a shop or something a long as I do not know the people. It is possible that if I sell them at a shop or something and the price is established I might sell them to people I know. The market for them is about $35.00 of which I would get half in a sh0p. That would mean I was working below min wage after costs. Now I have free torch time so I would be making about $12 and hour. Not worth it to me as a way to make money. I think that is part of it. It is insulting to my worth in the market place.

I just do not have the mentality that allows me to make the marbles and call it extra marbles. That and I am a consultant. If I once a week devote four hours I will make much more money.

______________

So we are morphing into the one week schedule. The week we spent in the hole in the ground in the winter for us went well. We have a sense we were taken out of the hole to be abused. We have a sense that the reason it went well as we were somewhat fed and rested before and somewhat fed and rested afterwards. That can now go on Ravel the document that we put things on to work on later hoping we never have to. We just printed the document out which we have not done in a while.

_______________

This is a little bit about going to when we come back. My therapist when I started working with her asked for photos of when I was a child She has them for each year until the 8th grade which is when I last lived in a town with contact with MKULTRA and the cults. There was the school superintendent who would drive by now and again. He was afraid of me and for good reason. Anyway I think the concept with the photos is you in therapy look at then in reverse order and it starts memory work. I think the theory is that you to back and then at some point you freak out when you get to the photo where you were abused. My therapist started when I was a baby. I ripped it up and threw it in the trash,  that was the end of that exercise other than I trusted and trust that she retrieved the photo from the trash. This was very early on when I had just discovered that not everyone is not multiple. Pretty much I had a name for what I experienced.

So we had the thought that maybe we could work with the photos when we go back. Pretty much that is about we will be starting over with our therapist when we get back. We will have change in a month now matter what.

We now tune people out in a way that we never did before. We hear what they say and react inside. Often negatively. Much of it is about manipulation we are much more OK with not stating that we will not be manipulated. It still is an aggravation.

So we are dealing with our mother, our brother and our former wife with this trip. The reason is totally financial. We so not want to pay to park our car or have someone take care of Kitty. It is that simple. It is a lot of money. We do not want to do the friend thing as then we owe a favor. We do not like to take people to the airport etc.

We are in the middle of the switch to those who are handling the week schedule. We are working very hard as staying with what is going on. It is very integrating  Some of the things are what is known about being a multiple. We went to the store and had no money. Those that are out had $62 in our wallet when they left. We really thought that was what I forgot meant.

We do enjoy being clever. We can get a hotel and leave our car for the same less money than having a service pick us up.

____________

We have called and notified everyone that we need to contact. Opps forgot the post office. Going to do that now. Done.

We need to remember we did not do any aerobics or swimming yesterday. We well do not want to have it in our head we can do that when we get to Ecuador. Does not work that way.

We need to nap and that will make the switch more what ever it is going to be. We are now working off a to do list which is the way those out work. We still have things that are not done from the other group that was out. It is less now like we need to ask and be told. It is confusing. It seems to be on the wane.

Another group has to put all the money together for the trip. They are nervous  We will not have enough money to buy our way out of trouble.

The concept of only being as happy as we are and not pretending is a hard one to practice. Faking it  is easier.

It is not outside the realm of possibility that we now have all the pieces to do a final integration. There is much work to do. Much if it is kinda normal. We have a broad understanding of what is normal.

 

 

 

Notes to Self

We got a lot done on the house. At some point we knew it was time to rest. We ate and rested and then went to make marbles. We had to set the alarm to wake up. We experience synesthesia when the alarm goes off. It is no longer a bad thing. It is at least right now neither a good not bad thing it is a just is thing. Before it was horrible. We saw colors many times from the trauma. Not enough food, trauma, pain, dehydration, solitary confinement, coming into the light after being in the dark for months etc.  and the sensory deprivation tanks.

We made three very nice marbles we think. We may have messed them up. It is a new method and we can not yet see how they will look as they are red hot when we put them in the kiln.

We are morphing into the week schedule as it is a week before we leave to Ecuador. It is going to take some doing to deal with therapy. Pretty much we will disappear our therapist. She will understand as well as anyone can.

We were thinking about the probable out come of this trip. We were thinking that it might be like when we went to Chicago with the goal to be more rested when we came back. We then thought we might just know how beat up we are which is what happened when we went to Chicago. Then we remembered that we did intense memory work after we came back. It is possible that when we come back we will be doing intense memory work. We really have a sense that is not the case. We will have memory work to do still. It is nothing like it was. We then thought that we might come back just knowing in a different way the devastation that is our life. We then though of our peers and people we know. They are all pretty messed up. We might be not as messed up in many ways. We did think what the hell how many people are going to Ecuador the way we are going. This is not a cruise thing or a normal vacation. We will have fun and meet lots of cool people.

So we do not really know what will happen on or from this trip. We are not expecting to come back and be fine. We are well allowing for it. Hey it could happen.

We are doing pretty well with not thinking about what we want to do when we get back. We are not thinking that much about what we will do if we want to go to Ecuador again. Things are in the back of our mind.

We think that over all we are down from not having enough sun even though it is not anywhere like it was. Thing is we are not sure we are down more than anyone else round here. it really feels like everyone just gets slow and so people to not notice as everyone is doing it. We talk to lots of people and many are agreeing with us.

We do have a sense that getting sun this winter is going to make a huge difference. The biggest thing is we know what is wrong for us with many things and has been all along. We racked our brain to try and find the common denominator of when we did the best in the real world. We have known for a while it was the sun. Now we know it was not just how the winter went. How the winter went determined how the rest of the year went. We could not know with our knowing about the trauma. We tried to know we could not until we could know things in a different way.

We are not going to be at all ready to leave for Ecuador with things here. We will be coming back to a big mess. Reality is we would be in better shape over all in April if we did not go. We think we will be in better shape this time next year if we go. We are not that worried about the trip being a not good thing. We are weird that way. Say something  bad happens and we get beat up or something. That for us will not “wreck” the whole trip. Just the way we are. We would not focus on that. We truly are more afraid that we will hurt someone that threatens is than being hurt.

_________________

We were thinking to day about how people process. Reality is the over all goal is to not process and accept. The concept of processing that most people use and recommend is not processing. We pretty much process everything are are more real than we were because of it. It would be said and it would be agreed that we are real.

__________

While working on glass today we noticed that we babbled tonight. It is a good thing. Just talking about this and that. Glass work is a different zen. It is as we have had more light from the tanning booth. It still is not enough. We have a sense that our need for the sun will go down and that the work of therapy is getting less intense all the time so we do not need as much sun. We are aware that the work of therapy might be less intense as we do not have enough sun. We are all well prepared to have this all turn out that all we have accomplished is that we can now do more or harder work. We really would not know. We are in not fear of leaving anyone away for years as happened most of our life.

We have no fear of that there are any hidden once of us. We will not be shocked if the travel reveals so to some of us. We are set up in groups. Some of the groups were autonomous. No one group knew of all the others. That is still the case all groups do not know about all the others. We have a sense none of the groups are not totally autonomous to all other groups.

We did not aerobic exercise or swimming today. To know that is very very important as the weather could be bad enough so we do not drive.

So it is hard to go to Ecuador knowing we would be doing better in April than if we did not go and betting that we will be doing better next year. Good news is there is really now way to know.

We know we do not have a bad attitude about this trip and that is adversely  effecting us. The concept of just letting everything go and come back refreshed is not reasonable. That being said there are some of us that may have a way to melt away much if they get a chance.

We do think we are headed in the right direction. The trip is unknown.

I was in Fla for three years I think. We did very very well there. We were not a typical PTSD. We were over the top wound up all the time. There we bad times. They were different. It was a overload of adrenaline. Think triple type A personality.

We can feel the Typhoid medicine. It is so weird. Once we can know about something on the level we are capable of it makes it physically have a less effect. This is not the just pretend we are not sick.

________

As I wrote I was in Fla for three years. I worked with many people from NH. About 100 maybe more. None stayed. The ones that went to SC are over all doing better than the ones that stayed in NH. At least the way I see it.

_______

To be clear I do not think everyone is the same. It might be the opposite for other people. I can tell you I know on no one brought up in the south that stays in this area. Then again most people do not stay in the south.

Well we feel caught up and ready for sleep. Therapy in two days wry smile.

So

There is not parts of what is going on that we can write about.

This trip is very very much expressive therapy. That part of it is intense. The normal travel stuff is normal travel stuff as much as it can be.

We never really knew where we were going until we were and adult. If my family moved I knew at the last minute. Just there way of feeling they were in control of their life when they were not and they are not.

____________

We are really seeing how my mother sees things. She really is a Polly Anna. Everything is wonderful and if it is not than she has not part in that. Someone else’s problem or someone else’s fault. It is is wonderful than it is all from her efforts.  If things are bad she just waits it out then jumps on the bandwagon.

_________________

I can tell my immune system is kicking in due to the Typhoid meds. It is not big deal I just need to know that is going on at the level I do and accept that as reality.

____________

Pilates is intense for me. As are the changes. Par to fit is the way I am doing it. I do them under instruction after Zumba. The instructor communicates to me in a way that is good for me. She lets me breathe to the rhythm of my heart and body not hers. The breathing like other people think I should is wrong. I expect it is often wrong. I expect they are breathing wrong even for them.

We may do Pilates on our trip. We will see.

____________

The logistics of the trip are going well. Unconventional. We are good at such things. It helps to know why we know how to do things the way we can. Take the whole wallet thing when traveling. We will carry a passport pouch. It will just have cardboard in in.

_______________

We are having much fun and learning much from talking about the trip. We figured out we can tell some people and exclude others. Some people are really happy for us and some are excited. Some only want to tell me about their trip. So far it is pretty much those that want to tell me about their trip don’t really have anything I want to know.

______________

There was a person at the glass studio who just disappeared. I was cleaning the studio and found a note that she had left on a paper towel and no one found it. She left here e-mail address and I will e-mail her and tell her she is missed.

_______

Only hang up right now with the trip is if the government workers slow down air travel in protest.

___________

There is a lot going on with processing. Some of it about the trauma most of it is how we really work. We really work in large part with fugues. It is hard to explain. It comes from being shipped to so many different places and never really having a home.

_______________

The not planning what we are going to do when we get back and at the same time being aware in a different way that we will come back to the same place is hard work.

_________________

We figure things our years later in a way we think is weird. There were all sorts of issues with our debit card when we went to England. The US likes to think we are innovators. We are not we steal and really are followers. What was going on with our debit card is now going on in the US. Say you go to the gas pump and use certain cards. They take $100 until the transaction clears. What they are doing is taking all that money and loaning it out and or using it as equity. So the balance is always messed up. Same with hotels. They take the money when you make the reservation and may take more than the transaction. If you cancel than they hold on to the money for a while. We have a hard time understanding things unless we know the why. Knowing how can be a good thing. Needing to know gets in the way of just knowing what is going on.

___________________

We have been working on a month schedule in our head. This is a way to deal with the time we were isolated with Earl the Pearl. We tomorrow will morph into a week schedule. This is a way to deal with the time we were in the hole in the ground alone for a week in February.

_________________

The transfer thing with our therapist is about after we were shipped and came back to life in the closet. It is about our relationship with Page who took care of my twin sister and I. Right before I was shipped my brother was killed. Page was distraught and out of her mind with grief. She was scary to me . When I came back she has somewhat recovered. She was still very very hurt.

NO I went back to the cellar where I had lived with my twin sister and my brother. NO I went back to the cellar when Page was being tortured to death.

It is all confused and we will need to work on the ordering of what happened. That is very very hard work. It will get easier if we wait.

It is a dynamic of this work that if you do not know h0w to do the work it is intrinsic that it can not be paced. Once you know how the work might be done than you can pace. You can also tune up how it is done so it is easier. This took us years. Part of the issue for us was how many different spaces we were in. Part of it is we were sometimes drugged to a coma state to be shipped.

____________

There was a big mistake yesterday. It was said “I think you made a bad decision about eating.” It was meant as giving information. It was felt as extreme blame. Those things happen and it is important to process them.

_____________

The typhoid medicine is a pain. We figured out why. The directions are stupid. You need to take the pill an hour before you eat. This would mean to a thinking individual it would be easier to take it after eating then not eat for again for an hour. It really means before a regularly scheduled meal of which we have none.

______________

Now we know we are going to morph into a one week schedule as a way to process things are much easier. We figured this out by cleaning the glass studio. It is home to many of us and all of us is different ways. It was intense and it took all afternoon and sleeping on it to figure things out. Cleaning the studio was something we wanted to do before we left. It was not something we had to do.

_________________

We can eat at 8:20 note to self.

___________

There is a guy at the art studio. We never really liked him and were wondering is it was just the competition him being a guy. He asked to come to the glass open studio. He is pushy and should not have asked. I told him to get permission. Here is the thing. There are other people I would ask to do what he wants and need no permissions. Thing is they are not pushy. We get to make that call. We get to not care if they object. We have always been good at this type of thing. We spent more energy on it than we need to now.

_______________

It is so important for us to not SET our brain and mind for what is going to happen the next day. It gets in the way of our processing which is why we do it. It is hard as it is like starting all over each morning a really every time we take a nap.

So now we know much is on hold until tomorrow we can figure out what to do today. What we are going to do is get the house ready to leave. It is complicated and will include getting our truck ready. It will be hard not to just do that and leave any napping and exercise that needs to be done for later. We very much do not want to put off resting till we go on the trip.

______________

This is the hard part. We are not so tired that we need to nap. We could use the energy to get things done and feel good about ourselves on the outside. We are between sleeps and need to nap. It is easier now as we are not as likely to need sleep all day.

_____________

The menagerie is going to stay with our therapist that is already set up.

 

We know what is going on

We can not write about it as that simple action would cause change exponentially  We know as we have been here before and failed it is that hard.

We are writing about it on a private blog and then not really about what is going on.

No way in the world could we tell our therapist that would start things going to fast.

When some one says or writes I know what is going on but I can not tell you it is a red flag.

It has to do with all the being shipped around all over the place when we were a child from a cage. We learned to read and talk at the same time. That sort of thing.

Do not know if we could have got to his place with out planning the trip to Ecuador  Does not matter we got here.

It may seem weird that we write about how hard things are here and then we can go to Ecuador with really not enough money to do so safely. We are multiple is the answer to why we can do this.

So I apologize for being both obtuse and acute at the same time. It is just what is best for us right now.

The Snap

Sometimes when we switch there is a snap that we can hear and feel. It is really that we switch and then what ever happened before is gone.

We never really knew what it was and never will exactly.

We just heard the snap. It was much different this time. It was more like the sound of a spring letting go. We wonder if the snap we hear is something getting to the breaking point. We do nothing to cause the snap to happen specifically. We know if we do certain things it will happen. We have through the work of therapy avoided doing what causes the snap as that always meant some were left away.

 

Got my Passport

Someone has the same last name, b-day and last 4 of my SS#. It may be by dead twin sister. I was given a SS number at birth. So that is why my passport was not tractable. By the time I got it all sorted out the passport was in my mailbox.

I have got my plane ticket and am going to Ecuador for the month of March. It will be fun and exciting. It is still much about the work of healing. In a way we are going so we can find some of us in a different way. much of it is taking time to be sad.

I am right now not wanting to write about what is going on. I am not telling the people in my life about the trip. I am sad and need to be.

I would not have written this but it would be not the way I am to write about how I was thinking of going and than not writing it is happening.

So right now it seems like I will not be writing as much. There is also lots to do before I leave. I leave in  12 days. I am not bringing a lap top so I will not be writing during the month of March.

I promise I will write when I get back. I have followed blogs and then had them just stop and I will not do that.

This trip is already a life changer. A change that could not happen with out processing the trauma.

 

Think we go it

Things have been all mixed up for a bit. Nothing like before.

It is all still very very confused. We think it is about our brain working well and when we came back from some foreign country having been away for quite a while. We came back and lived in a closet. Page was still alive. Trying to correlate all of that while going through all the trauma that was going on is just to hard for our brain under these conditions.

It is very complicated and we do not yet have a handle on even how to start.

We are very frustrated with everything.

All that being said it is much much better than before.

We are going to go to the tanning booth for 5 min. to try and give us an edge.  We have never been on a day of therapy.

Back from that.

We have a half-assed operational draft for all of this. It is Sketchy at best. Our passport is still not all set. We hope it will be when we call tonight.

At the end of therapy we flat out told our therapist that we thought it was a waste of time. Not a blame thing just those out did not get it. We kinda get now what went on. Kinda. Or kind of if you did not grow up where we did. Smile.

_________

This is about when we came back to the town we lived in before we went to the MKULTRA things. It is about Vickie who we have not written about in a while. We need to do some intense ordering of things. When we do this than there is much memory work.

We are not well pleased. We expect to be again soon.

It is so hard to keep in mind for us this is really much much better. There is trauma that has to be worked on. How Page was tortured. We remember her head getting blown off and there is much before that. We had it that she was killed right after we came back from the MKULTRA thing. It is hard as we went to so many MKULTRA things and we did not stay in one place the whole time.

Again this is nothing like before.

We like jumping during Zumba.

 

 

SO

We have therapy in a few hours. We really have nothing to work on specifically. Therapy and the time after is protected.

The staying with the pain unpleasant feeling that we get from things like Zumba and meditation is valid. We are not very good at it yet. It is not counter intuitive. It is counter to logic and what is thought to be known about life.

We feel very dull.

We thought about us being upset about those at the art center. We are pretty sure it has nothing to do with us. We think it is a important factor that the weather here is not conducive to having fun.

There is another super storm coming I was told. 6″ of wet snow at the end of February is normal. It is more of people making a problem our of something that is not a problem so they can think they are doing something. Part of that is just being a nation at war for the last decade or so and not being able to cheer much. There is not often much to cheer about in wars. Guessing never if you are the one that actually fights it.

We are going with we are in a period of transition. When we are in transition we fear becoming dull. No one ever listens to us. They perceive there is no danger. They do not know all of us.

So we have done the prep to protect therapy. That does not mean therapy will be protected. We have a life time of having that sort of thing not a good thing. We know what we are not working on.

We are going to check in with the menagerie. We may do the dishes while we wait to leave for therapy.

The Zumba does do new things for us. We expect it would not have before we processed our sisters death. Interesting we almost wrote our therapists death. We have done a little mat work. It is much like Pilates with out the mind bend thing. It is very very much different for us. We are not up for any big change to our schedule. We tried the easy way and that did not work. We have a sense it would not be good for us to do the mat work than run and do something.

Interesting we just got tired. We think maybe we are between sleeps. That makes sense as we often do dishes between sleep. Well we do not often do dishes.

So we think what we should do is go to therapy. Make sure we are on time. Not do anything before hand and come home and not analyze than nap.