Archive for November, 2010

Fiber Arts

November 30, 2010

A a man who misspent much of his youth in remnant cloth shops I can not believe I am writing this. There is something about the fiber arts that is soothing to me. I don’t know how to do anything so I went with what is called punch needle rugs. It is kinda like hooking only quicker. I tried a latch hook rug and could not get into it. Don’t know why.

So anyway I am finding it very soothing and I am more than a little shocked. One thing that is way cool is if I do a wool strip rug than I can rent a cutter for 2 dollars a day and the first day is free. The cutters cost about 250 dollars.

A rag rug might be another cool thing to do.

A new kind of optimism

November 30, 2010

We spent years not being able to see the end. We still have not found anyone who was in MKULTA and the cults that has healed. No way could be see the end when we could not see what happened in our life before age 3 1/2.

We have been able to see the end for a while.

We through out all the therapy the bad and the good remained optimistic. We were not delusional. Rah rah ect. There were times where we questioned if we wanted to continue with the hope that there would be an end. Bo real reason to think there was only the feeling that there could be. To not question if we wanted to continue would have been insane. I once talked to a man who had cancer the night that he killed himself. He was not depressed he was at peace. I respect his decision.

I am now starting to see beyond the end. To a life that was better than the one I left behind when doing the work of therapy. It was a very successful life and only showed signs of getting better.  I can see a life better that the one I left behind. I can see a life better than I would have had if I had never ended therapy.

It is still hard. It is not as hard as it was and the length of time of recovery is less and less.

Sometimes the only thing that kept me going was my spirit knowing if I did not than we would have to go through it all again in another life.

When our last system was built, That is how we create is to build, our goal was to die a happy old man. We don’t want to wait until then.

How do I know we can see the end? I am not positive there is no knowledge to judge by no prior experience of anyone I know. I know because when I say I can see the end I am not told no you do not. Many times I would tell my therapist that I am bored with all this trauma work and that means it must be done. That would mean more trauma work.

I have not told her I am bored just yet we are close.

Even if I am wrong and we clear the decks and it is more trauma work this feeling will not be forgotten anymore like it was in the past.


November 30, 2010

I am developing with out trying my own dogma abut trauma.

I now think in terms of repressed trauma and not trauma. I see the difference is the understanding of trauma is symptom based and repressed trauma is healing based.

Pretty much the effects of trauma are fixed until the trauma is brought into consciousness. The best thing is coping and avoidance of what causes symptoms.

My concept of healing from repressed trauma as it is processed the repressed trauma ceases to exist and there are no symptoms.

Being multiple there were no symptoms that needed to be coped with. I was a highly functional member of society. Have not found a better way to cope as of yet.

I will be different than if I had not had traumatic experiences just like all my other experiences.

When I say there were no symptoms I mean that met a dx. I used to get dreadful sick. That went away when I started processing trauma. A few years ago I would have stated that I got sick due to the trauma. Now I understand that I was sick fro not processing the trauma.

Fine line to walk where you do not cross into where your life is about the abusers and not the trauma. Processing traumatic experiences is not living in the past. It is living that part of your life that you could not when it happened.

The reptilian brain is a then now thing not a process. The reptilian brain has repressed trauma now.

This to shall pass is bullshit to the reptilian brain. It can. I will not if you do not process the trauma.

Processing trauma and the dissidence of the reptilian brain

November 30, 2010

The reptilian brain is bilateral some people think of it as one.

When processing trauma there is much pain involved. Not only the pain that comes into consciousness from the trauma the process is painful and exhausting.

The reptilian brain both wants to process the trauma to feel the release and avoid it as it is painful. the cognitive brain will hear any suggestion given to it that indicates it is not necessary to process trauma. The cognitive brain searches for a way to first avoid and then at least make it easy.

The reptilian brain that wants to release the trauma needs support. In a way it is the weakest link with the most power to heal.

We experience the actual pain of the trauma in what we call inside out pain. Easiest to describe in speaking of the pin pricks so often used to make sure that I was not faking the hypnosis. That and it was a game to show I could be pricked with a needle and not even jump. The worst is the ones around my eyes.

Anyway when I feel those pin pricks it feels like from the inside out or backwards. Say you were to prick yourself with a needle and you felt the prick of the needle not when it broke the skin rather that pain came as the pin was with drawn. That is as close as I can come. Not many words for the reptilian brain that does not use words. Go figure.

Our pain from the trauma seems all but gone. One would think and I do wish that was a cause for celebration. We do not trust it yet and we will not for a while. What we expect is one day we will think hey where is the pain. Oh ya it is gone.

For me it is not just the traumatic memories in a real way I had no normal consciousness.
When the part of the reptilian brain does not get the relief from processing trauma for what ever reason we crash or get sick.

We have worked as hard as we can to process the trauma. It is hard and we can not imagine anyone just carrying on with their life. We went as fast as we could for 6 years. I can not imagine what would have happened had we listened to pacing. There is of course no way to know what would have happened had we spent our efforts of pacing. Pretty much until proven other wise with credible information we are going with we did the right thing.

It is important to understand we could not plan on all the cults and the three Mkultra schools when we started this work. Looking back when we listened to our reptilian brain that is when things got down. Ironically our reptilian brain is now telling us totally different things.

The reptilian brain sometimes is seen as impulsive. It is fast not impulsive. It also has a very long memory and an implicit memory.

My Father is dying

November 29, 2010

My father is not one that sexually assaulted me. And the physical abuse was minimal.

The emotional abuse was intense. The controlling incredible.

This is the thing. I look forward to him dying as I think it will be better for my mother. I think my mother and I can have a good relationship with him dead.

If the Oedipus complex  does not enter your mind then you are brain dead.


Another Reason I hate this work

November 29, 2010

It is all about me. Pretty much I feel guilty and I miss my interaction with other people.


Getting used to the pain being not there

November 29, 2010

I knew forever that my crashes were really exhaustion. I then knew my crashes were from exhaustion from not processing trauma. I now know that my not processing trauma caused much pain and that is what lead to the exhaustion.

There is pain that was not brought into consciousness and is experienced when the memories come into consciousness. This is not unlike the deeper you are put into anesthesia the more pain you will experience in recovery with the same procedure.

The fighting the pain that comes into consciousness and the pain caused by the fighting the memories coming into consciousness causes exhaustion.

How did I deal for 45 years with the trauma. It was not in my consciousness. It effected me and will until it is all in my consciousness and then goes back to not being in my consciousness.

So we are not in the pain that we have been for the last 6 years. One would think and life to belive that would be just all wonderful. Wonderfull it is.

There is a problem. Those that are used to not being in pain as they were out when the memories had not come into consciousness tend to take over. In a real way using the energy that the others have created.

So we are adjusting to this having some out and having it not result in pain. Most confusing.

We have cut off contact with our therapist because we are afraid the pain will come if we contact her.

Note: By cut off contact we mean e-mailing her and skipping one session for thanksgiving.



November 29, 2010

I am an extreemly focused person. I am not always focused on what other people think I should be.

I am working on to many fronts for my intellect to keep up. Some of the fronts are being chosen for me by the world. I need to make money and such.

So I need a distraction. We need a distraction as I am multiple. I am not a multiple.

Interesting very interesting. What is often described with DID is a person that is a multiple. That is not the way it is for me. I am multiple. I am observed by most of the world as a singleton. I am observered by those that study DID as a multiple.

Interesting the structure of pronouns gets in the way of expression.I experiencing time as a multiple is not what I experience.

I experience time and remember time as separate people.   I feel I am separate people. Note to all who need to think of me as one person. That is not helpful. You perception will not magically become my reality because you state it as fact. Nor am I overly impressed that you have lots of people that agree with you or a degree that you think indicates you know more about me than I do.

Saying “You are one person” in an authoritarian voice just pisses me off as I do not accept you as an authority on me. It is highly likely that you have firmly established you have little understanding of what is is like to be me.

Save the platitude of well we are all different to someone who finds comfort in platitudes.I have work to do.

A word on financial security.  That you have established financial security does not give expertise in all matters. If you dare look at where your financial security comes from others and not you.

I will pick on tenured college professors. Should the subsidy and rolling bail out of student loans end today you are no longer an authority you are a person looking for work.

If you are a union employee and your union looses its government protection you will be replaced by someone with more talent.

I am getting distracted.

I am not good at distraction, I am multiple. Distraction takes on the form of one of me being at the exclusion of others. It is intrinsic to being multiple.

I can see this now as there are fewer of us. What happens is what I am calling a taking off which is different from leaving away and different than going away.

There is no avoiding the leaving away or the going away it is the essence of being multiple.

The taking off has wiggle room in how far and how long the taking off lasts.

So we took off and went for a swim.




Long Drive

November 28, 2010

Drove to Maine today to get some yarn for a rug. I am glad I did. Putting the colors together in the skein is the way for me to see how they will sing.

It is about 6.5 hrs of driving so I had time to think.

There was not exit strategy in the MKULTA program I was in other than suicide. We were trained for a one time mission. No retrieval as we were not supposed to remember. With the messages that we had to memorize and stuff there was a getting back to where we had set up to live. There was not coming back to MKULTRA. Once you were out the door that was it.

I have to deal with the guilt and the blame and all. It is a tad different when the result is torture if you make a mistake or displease. When you are taught that retaliation means electric shock it is different.

As always different does not equal worse. I would not know it is all I know. I do know that I do not get upset with threats that are idol. I am not impressed with just being beaten. I have no problem getting even. That is not true. Getting even makes things worse. Get way the fuck ahead if you wan to end it.

It was a good trip and much different as in better. It is getting so I can not really remember how bad my whole life was. Kinda like I can not remember how much it hurt when I broke my leg. I can remember it hurt.

Reptilian Brain

November 26, 2010

I can feel two parts of my reptilian brain. One is social and one is self.

There is and abandonment response. It is when the body shuts down and waits. It is different from the freeze response. I am wondering if it is not a kinda left over from a hibernation instinct.