Archive for April, 2012

I like it

April 30, 2012

I have no idea what is going on as I have never experienced it before. We worked much of the day on a project. We have always been good at such things. It was much easier. Much much easier.

Some of us wanted to call the client and tell them we would be done tomorrow. We really really need to get paid. Others wanted to do the job complete so we did. It is all put away other than what has to be submitted.

Once we get paid we have the best situation we have had in years. At least 7. In a way it is better now than ever before other than when our children were growing up.

This project is 2 1/2 pounds of paper work. A waste of time and money. I know people that could install this culvert with 15 min of explanation. There are forms on forms as there is more than one permit required. 5 different agencies are involved. There is a lot of what for lack of better words is collating. This always caused much angst before. Kinda we had to fight off regression. We did not this time. It was pretty smooth. Our memory worked very well which it has not in the recent past. As I think about it our memory worked better than ever before. Well maybe not. It was certainly easier.

We are liking how we experience life better now. We do not like what we are experiencing as our life is a mess.

If our client calls us and we get a check we are pretty much as free as a person can be until Thursday night. We would have half a day tues all day Wed and half a day thur. How awesome is that? The week after that does not look that bad either .

Knowing about our brothers death was always there. If we did not know about that than right now we would be all wound up about what to do. Our brain can get pretty crazy.

On the other hand if the client does not call and we do not get paid I have about $30 to get through until we get paid. Sounds worse than it is as I can borrow money. We pretty much only borrow money to make money. This would be borrowing money to live. Not fun as you have to pay it back.

We sometimes just had to leave things go. Meaning we know that by not doing something now it is going to cause issues later and be more expensive later. We are OK with that as long as there is a net financial gain. When it is just loss it really is not fun.  We are OK with doing things in a rush knowing it will get messed up if there is a net gain.

This is really the first time in 7 years that every break was not about how can we do the work of therapy. To be clear we have done some very fun things and been with people we love.  It has been all about how it relates to the work of therapy which was getting to my brothers murder. There was a lot piled on top of it.

There is still so much work to do. It is different work. We often have had chapters in his work. One book was the journeys  the Wizard and that Falcon. One was when the Dragon Flies.

This one is when the Wizard and the Falcon meet Puppy and the Dragon.

We kinda have a system going that seems to be as solid as can be expected. We get up do some writing and exploring then we eat and take a nap. I say nap as what else are you going to call it. It is really a different state than when we are sleeping. It is like this if we do not take the “nap” than we are not tired. We do not wake up more rested.

This is only a big deal to us. We might be able to have the car clean, the dishes done, have gone to the dump, have groceries in the house and our room picked up all at one. We live in one room as it is easier. It might take us till thur night. That will be OK.

Even if we do not get the call and get a check it will be a whole lot better.

 

 

Final Integration?

April 30, 2012

I know what I am doing I do not know what is going on.

We are having the most crazy dreams. There are many many rooms. I go to each of them and seem to know everyone there. There are no people there that you would not want to be around for the most part. Now that I thought of that I may just tell them to go away that they are boring.

It is very much part of getting enough sun energy. The swimming and immersions is a big part of it. I do not think it could happen with out the processing the trauma. I believe it has to be done in a loving accepting relationship. Accepting is just not enough.

The dreams are more unworldly than when sparks come off my finger tips, see spirits ect.

It is like I am going to a performance and am in it and watching it.

Some in the dream are not doing so good. One is wrapped in cloth and I could not hold them yet another one could. They were not yet human and the cloth holds them together.

It is not as if there is not work to be done even with the trauma. It is more of a bother now in many many cases Not that it is a bother just that is the level of angst.

Much of this is and always has been about sleep. First processing some of the memories so a new sleep can be experienced. Than it is a matter of doing that sleep. Out of the last 12 1/2 hours I have slept about 11 of them. That is not unusual with the level of work I am doing.

Forget Red Tape

April 30, 2012

That is in Russia.

Not as bad as Red White and Blue tape.

I spent 2 1/2 hours just printing out and plotting the paper work for a culvert that I can install in 8 hours and I am not done yet.

Keep those fees coming to keep the pensions paid.

__________

We have to transition to doing the work for money. Working as a private consultant takes a lot of discipline. Few really can handle it and tend to form groups or have a crew. It is hard for us to leave the work of healing away to do our work for money. Makes sense.

Hard for us as we always did it as a multiple before with many groups to do the many parts of the projects we did. All tied into a goal and a time frame that was external. Go figure.

The Wizard and the Falcon

April 29, 2012

Not much has been written here about the journey of the Falcon and the Wizard. That was done years ago as part of this work.

It is now understood they came somehow from the puppy and the dragon. We have a strong sense that we were pretty much drugged to the max until we were two as away to keep us quiet. We have a strong sense that right now caffeine and nicotine is what is between the Wizard and the Falcon and Puppy and The dragon.

I have no issue with stopping an addiction. I am a multiple. Thing is we have to have at least two. We can pick “healthy” ones. We know how t0 do that.

We have no desire to be a dry drunk. We know so many of those and they suck to be around.

We know many people who would be better off if they smoked as their anxiety  is so high it kills them,

We know many PTSD alcoholics that do better than most people in therapy as measured by being a productive member of society and sustaining long term relationships.

We rate those that are experts on addictions as  sucking at it.

So there is us. One thing that happened with us is with out and addiction we have sensory overload. There is not coping with it.  It is a horror. We think what we need to do is stay with that horror and the physical experience of not having an addiction.

So we do not yet know what to do and that is a good starting place. We will not find the answers we need by research. We will not find the answer in that we deep deep down already know. We have never known a body that was not addicted to something. We can discover one. It is going to take a while. What we expect is that for us it will become simply yes I used to smoke I do not anymore. Just like drinking. We just don’t like it anymore.

We know this is about the reptilian brains. That is why the nicotine and caffeine is good for us. We do not need to come to realize that it is bad for us we need to discover a way that they are no longer good for us.

We also wonder if we just keep going that it will all work out by itself. That our real issue is not letting the reptilian brain do what it needs to do.

Winters are hard around here and that is an issue. Reality is in NE we measure warm in a different way. Reality is it is warm enough to sustain a healthy life about four months. We do expect to not live in NE the rest of out life.  Our biggest connection is we hold licences that are only good in this state. We call them licences to steal. We kinda see ourselves as working it out where we are in NE the 4 months that it sustains life and being somewhere else the rest of the time. That being said it is not likely we will not be her next winter. It is not just us the people here are miserable and miserable to be around. They do not have much fun in the winter. Some hang on until Christmas and then hang on until Spring.

On the positive front our pot roast came our well and we figured out an easy breakfast. We have like potato and eggs  and now we just grate some and cook them in a skillet then add eggs. One of our addictions is eating very well and we do not want to do that now. Doing it as an addiction.

We are going to work on a j0b today and then go for a swim as our reward. We have a shot at finishing it. That will be a relief.

My Multiplicity

April 28, 2012

Is not trauma based. That is a misdirection.

My multiplicity is from being sensory deprived until I was age 2. In effect a baby at age 2. The initial  sensory deprivation being done in a hospital setting as part of the MKULTA program. Followed by sensory deprivation in a cellar. Not unreasonable to assume know the behavioral scientist as I do that the cellar was a cost cutting measure and the funding went to them. Not unusual with government employees. Support the teachers not the children etc.

Seeing the sensory deprivation as trauma is misdirection. Something needed to be believed. The typical I have a name for it therefore I have understanding.

The human body of which as far as I know I am the only owner of does not experience sensory deprivation as traumatic if there is nothing to compare it to. The reptilian brain controls.

The theory is not that dissimilar to modern understanding of child development that leave out the human souls of a human being.

So we no longer know what we are doing. We need another hole in time. We are disappointed that we need another hole in time. It feels as we are starting all over again as we are starting all over again. Some of us are.

This has been an issue in therapy. Not my therapists fault. She did well there is nothing in the knowledge base to allow for sensory deprivation for the first 2 years of life.

That the first human contact when I was two was  my brother who was killed is certainly important. My life did not start then. It just seemed so to me.

Some do not initiate. Why would they. When ever they did cold water was thrown on them. It is not that they are waiting for cold water to be thrown on them. They are not really waiting in a convention sense.

So we are reeling. All of us. We do not know if we can handle this as we never have. No that is not true we always handled it.

We were a person before we were two. We were not experiencing life as traumatic until we know some kinda life that was not.

We seem to being OK with all of this. Kinda scary so in that we should not be.

It is a whole different way of looking at what happened to us.

It is very very likely that this is just new to some of us and others of us have known about it all a long in there way.

We kinda know this feeling. When we have it people will just come up to us and ask us if we are OK. I have no idea how bad we look. Must be pretty bad. It is not a bad feeling to us. More of a nothingness.

We have been far far away from out therapist. This happens from time to time and usually it is some not wanting her to know they are hurt until they can figure out a way not to be. A way to protect her when really protecting us.

———–

We are doing well considering what  we have been through in the last few days. We are OK.

Identity disorder.

April 28, 2012

Drop the dissociation as the term has not meaning in that when anyone says it than it has no meaning other that in the context of the individual.

Just as with dissociation Identity disorder can include any person.

ID is not having an identity of self. It is like the therapist that really does not exist unless there view of the world is accepted and therefore everyone who has repressed memories is DID. If you challenge than they get angry you are proposing their identity does not exist. Pointing out their false reality.

I often get asked what I do. I often reply do you mean what I do for money? That is really the question and why people are confused when I give them the answer to the question asked. I on the other hand get very confused when people do not ask the question they wish the answer to.

So what to do. Well you just make shit up that can meet what you think must be true for others. A false reality. For your self you create a false identity.

How important is the false identity often occupation. Well often when it end people die as in when they retire. Often they retire and only talk about the past. What they do in retirement is really what they thought they wanted to do when they were their occupation. Who really blossoms in retirement ? How many come out of retirement. How many really grow? How many say Well I will never see it and cease to grow?

I think I will call it occupied by their occupation.

__________________

The above is a dissociation from the real work we need to do. That is OK it is kinda a warm up. I do not think there is processing trauma to be done today although I may be incorrect. This might be a warm up for that.

_____________

I have always been about the trauma. In part when I started most people and therapist were about well you do not need to have to process the trauma. Or the therapist would limit how much the trauma needs to be processed. Who would not grab onto that if they could believe it worked. I really wish it met my reality. It does not.

________________

So I am not anymore about processing the trauma in a way. I am still all about processing. Building my own false reality. NO being OK with life if s mystery and it is OK. Does not mean I am not going to try and solve the mystery just it is OK I am going to fail.

__________________

Yesterday was a life changer. Having one be able to see our therapist when ever they wanted is the most intense thing we have experienced other than the love of our children. It was more intense than the trauma and processing the trauma. It is now in the past and we are processing the effects. We are done processing that experience.

___________________

Our therapist gave us a polished rock. It is like a big marble. One and seven eight inches. I am guessing. Last night we wrote her that the rock was inside yet we did not yet know where. It was not in the physical world. It was still in the car. Our reality was it was inside so it made not difference it was outside.

So here is the thing. We call it. DFS. Done For Some. It is the reality of being a multiple. A false reality. Where it gets messed up is that we are not wrong that the rock was inside only we do not know where. Depends on which false realty exists. Lets take the US. We were the largest economy. There was a false reality that the US was the greatest nation ever and that the American people were special about all others. Just so you know the US is the only one that holds that false reality they see us more are the largest economy.

So the US reality is changing. We will once again be the best is the false reality. It is not even a good probability. We are based on growth of economy and that only worked as well as it did because fate  caused the US to have an economy when there was not competition and the US was in a good position to produce. Ultimately we produced a people that are the government worker class the middle class became the government worker class. It is not the laws or policy that is the issue is those that work for the government are the ones making the most money as a group. More than the  famed 1%. The biggest cooperate ever in Canada where we get most of our foreign oil was done by teachers. The US will catch up to Canada or catch down depending on if you work in the private sector or the government sector.

So what is this big change that happened yesterday? Well the above which is part of out intellectual self is done. Done for some.

———————-

I have a sense you have to pay attention as this is going to change quick.

_________________

So for some of us the round rock was inside. They had a plan so for them it was done. Done for some. They were not ever tied into actually doing anything other than in their head. They could not as there senses were overwhelming. Happens when you life in a cellar and closet and then are let out which seems to be standard child rearing in some cultures as in cults.

___________________

Our breathing has changed. It is not from yoga although that we did practice it may have influenced that we are aware of it. Might be in the way. Yoga was not good for us. We split all to pieces. Or it might have been good for us. There is more than one reality.

______________

We need to eat.  Some of us do not as they have planned it. It is done for some.

___________

It seems that my twin brother was not my biological twin. He was to much smaller than I. When I was in the hospital there were other babies around. When my brother was in the cage beside me it was similar in experience to the hospital.

Reality was I was in that cage alone for most of my life until I was 2 1/2. The “programmers” collecting a check for my care and programming. The girl who took care of me killed as she did not qualify for the MKULTKA program at that time.,

I did not dissociate that my brother was my twin. That is what I was told and at that age with the information that I had was how I saw him. I do not love him less as he was not my twin. I would not be shocked to find he was my biological brother. Another unwanted child sold to the MKULTA program. What matters is I loved him and miss him.

_________________

So we have a project that we need to get done for money. It is done for some. They have set it up t be completed and their part is complete..

______________

Coming out of the cellar into the light was brutally painful. Indescribably so. Not made any better by cold water being thrown on you.

_________

It is also possible that my brother was not my biological brother. Again it does not matter it is how I loved him. That being said there is a relief in less intellectual confusion. It is most about how I felt.

______________

This is what is called integration by those that go all the way.

________________

There are more memories coming. I know there was a baby burned in a circle of fire.

______________

We now can let things sit and they will come to us over time. I used to pine so to have someone to go to when I was going through this. In a way that is all therapy is. Well my therapy anyway. Having the memory of the first person I loved being murdered and having it at least somewhat in the past makes this all easier.

So if you spent much of your first 3 1/2 years in cellars or closets and then were brutalized until you were 13. You to may be able to heal. Any other experiences I do not know anything about.

We need a nap.

_____________

It is a day after therapy.

 

Random

April 27, 2012

We went to therapy. One that is blind or one that some of us are blind when he is out or one that does not see first depending was able to see when ever they wanted. They can not talk and see  and we do not think they can see and hear all at the same time. They could see when ever they wanted and mostly they wanted to see out therapist.

We had not seen our therapist in 10 days which is a long time for us. So we gave her a hug. Some asked if they could go home now.  They only go for the hugs.

For a bit on could see and move there right arm. It was over the top amazing. He was very very excited when he had his eyes closed.

We had no real issues afterwards. We forgot out towel from our car when we went to the pool which is the first time that has ever happened. One of the staff got it for us. We went to lunch with some of our friends. I was very funny. We are going to the different pool tonight. I will be honest we are hoping we run into the girl from France.

As a bonus we got a call from a client and he gave us the go ahead on a job. Pretty much paper work at this point we are done all the thinking. We have the best chance we have had in years to have a good winter. We are well paid we just have no had time to work. If we get these jobs cleaned up and get paid and any other job comes in that it will be more of a getting ahead than staying even or not going behind.

It is very very amazing and not describable. I can tell you my therapist was over the top thrilled.  We never knew why she had to reschedule an appointment. If she goes on vacation she usually finds a piece of bark a stone or feather that is ours. This is how her and others say it. i found this it is yours. Or I found thing for you. Or that not yours. Some are quite brash and that is hard for some of us if we happen to be out. My therapist seems to understand what is going on so we do not care.

We understand now that there are two babies deaths that we need to process. We knew they were dead not how. We saw it as as the were born. That is because others were out in between. The cults often had mothers kill there own children or watch them being killed. That happened twice and really with Page that is what it was almost like with her.  Often given a choice of killing a baby that is close to death or another child will be killed. Then the other child is killed anyway. I do not like writing this there are some women out there who have lived this and deserve to heal.

Trust me. Anyone can be broken and fooled. Anyone.

______________

We are making a pot roast in the crock pot. We hope to have a very productive week money wise and for that we can not be thinking of what to do for food.

We live alone which is really easier for the work that we do.

We may be able to go see both our daughters this summer and that would be way way cool. They may come home it is different than going to where they live.

So one of us was wondering what we got as they figured our therapist had gone on vacation. She got us a rock. It is a big perfectly round rock. Done with lasers I assume. It is beautiful.

We saw a pair of  Eastern Blue Birds and hung round them for a while. We also saw a gray jay and we have never seen one of those. Some see or saw in black and white.

We have always known about eating breakfast. So much so that we always bought our crews breakfast as it was cost effective. One way we slow down the work is to not eat breakfast. We think that is not longer necessarily.

This is for us getting a whole lot less complicated in a hurry. It comes from all trauma was tied into my twin brothers death.

We struggled to explain the felling we had when one could see and move his hand. It was so wonderful we could not stand it for more than a moment. It was that over powering. 

I had someone work for me that was almost deaf his whole life. He was one of the first people to have the hammer in his ear replaced and he could hear. It was horrible for him as it was so much to  adjust to. With what is going on we are glad to have known him and to have tried and be there for him.

We really can not remember how bad it used to be for years. Kinda like we know when we broke our leg and walked on it for a day it hurt. We can not really remember. It is a good thing.

We do not think we are done by any means. We are much much closer and I think for the first time closer than we were 10 days ago. Well we know it. 10 days when dealing with deaths is not much.  to be clear we have been dealing with them since the happened.

There is at least right now a disconnect between those that are healing from trauma and us. It is more that we are on the other side of something. A confidence with out arrogant. We have been pretty arrogant all along. It is not that we are distancing ourselves from those that are healing rather we feel a distance. May be temporary. We do not go with the further along in our healing.

Part of it is there is zero way to correlate what we experience to DID. Trauma yes, processing yes. How hard the work is yes. Our system is not anything like most people. At least those that write.

We did not do a very good job at protecting therapy today. I think at this point we need portection from therapy at least for a while. The one or ones that were blind now being able to see when ever they want is intense to say the least.

We Still Know what we are doing

April 27, 2012

There is more to do than we knew.

We discovered came to know a while other subconscious.

One thing that our therapist is about for us is communication between those of us that have different subconsciousness. Not in the typical DID way in that we tell her how our system works and such. The way it works is things are worked on within our therapeutic relationship. We are not happy about having this new subconsciousness. So we are angry and that started some scapegoating and such. We know that sooner or later we will all come to know that there are reasons that we did not know about this subconscious that we just discovered. The reasons will make sense and we will come to know that we did good.

Part of it is the one that can see when ever he wants. That is a big deal to all of us and we are going to therapy in a couple hours. The new subconscious is in a way a filler so the one that can see when ever he wants can be in therapy.

This subconscious is different as they all are as is how we came to know it. Not only are they all different we can now do not only things that could not be done before but things that could have been done before in different circumstances can be done easier now.

This is about hidden talents and skills and seeing them more now as hidden talent rather than just hidden skills. Well we all have hidden talents. Really. Really. I think not in the same way.

We have known about the skills things and it is hard as it was so long ago. We learned how to fence and were good at it for that age. We never tried afterwards. We can throw knives and fire a weapon and such. I am told right now we can speak foreign languages and yet I do not believe it as we never have.

Part of it is we are all sick of this work. We have worked hard all of us and we want it to be done.

Part of it is we did some dreaming about the future and the future holds more work.

Part of it is this work is different. It is about the MKULTRA facilities or a new one.  This is not about trauma at this point. We know there is trauma associated with it only as there always is.

We have always had a hard time financially in the winter. This one was not as bad in results. Bad fortune caused us to have many expenses. Part of our bad fortune is that we have had to spend so much time on the work of trauma and part of it is having no money is expensive. We know as we were not poor most of our adult life.

We had our pancakes as many as we wanted. We need a nap. What is going on is some do need a nap. I do not know it is so they can got to therapy or so they do not. I am not the boss of us.

 

My Brain is coming back on line

April 26, 2012

Not only is this work hard it does not leave much brain power left for much else. It also puts you on edge about your abilities. Working so much where you do not know if you can be successful and be isolated from doing the work and dealing with such abstract concepts makes normal things be questioned.

We are having a bit of an issue with people who we run with now.  It is really about tempo which is a weird thing. Golfers have slow or fast tempos as measured from take away to impact. Has nothing to do with how fast the club head is going at impact.

Out tempo is off when dealing with other people. In part is it is reverse conceit. We really assume that if we can figure it out any idiot can as we see ourselves as an idiot. No in a bad way. Just a human.  So we are seemingly curt when the reality is we are messing up assuming everyone has the same tempo as we do. Made worse as it is changing and people are not used to it.

It is not real bad kinda a 1/8 step thing.

All that being said it has not been unusual in our life to have people say they can not keep up.

We are an idiot we are not stupid or dumb. Smile. We know we are talented. We do not really respect it that much as it is not our doing. We made a bowl and it came out really cool. We kinda forget that other people might work really hard and not have a cool bowl.

Part of it is we are very easily fascinated and have an are enthusiastic in a way that others do not and do not have any need for. Flat out it can be tiring and boring if you are just trying to relax.

Pretty much we need to tone it down a bit with people and tone it up when alone.

We also need to understand that people need context. Most people do not know you can write 100 pages on the many different ways that the mental health field uses dissociation.  Not many people have studied it to the extent we have. The word that is. Lay people use the word dissociation very freely. We have decided that the word is meaningless to us.  We kinda are going to fast to know that is just us. To be fair to us. The word is meaningless as a diagnostic criteria.  Again we work with Taxonomic terms and not may people do and fewer still with many. So we can come off as arrogant when we are not inside.

We have a different way of thinking that we can use and like the best. We are making the mistake that everyone is using it.  It may have no value to them.

Part of it is we have what we call intellectual conversation deficit. We are not around people who care to think intellectually so when we find someone that does than we get very excited. It is not that we are better it is just I like it. None of my rich clients waste a lot of time in the abstract.

We are also very excited that one can now see when ever they want. We are also scared. It is pretty far removed from the people in our world. Say we were excited about something normal like going on a long trip. People could allow for out excitement.

Pretty Cool

April 26, 2012

It took a day we are not sick. Now we are just very very tired. I would not go with the ice cream cone again. We kinda knew we should go with some pineapple. We often go for it when we know we can get away with it. Next time now we will know where if we did not try the ice cream than we would not . We are not sure about the pineapple. There is a high probability.

We really really got this now. There is a ton and ton of work. We really know what are doing.

There is so much difference now. It was always that some were not dong that bad so the others could do things. Now it is they are doing better. Much easier row to hoe.

We have been able to see the end now for a while guessing 6 months. That never wavered.  We have come close to crashing each time it is less and less of an ordeal.

The sun us huge. We just got back from the tanning booth. We do not feel great. We feel a whole lot better than we would if we did not know how to get sun energy. It is not really been that cloudy or anything.  Doing the work with the one or ones that go blind ect just eats up the Sun energy.

It is so much easier now. We just saw a story about a man who figured out he was abducted. Before some of us would have held out hope for out brother. A way to make him with us just maybe.

It is like this was tied into every unknown. It is hard to explain.

It is in a way anti climatic. It is not like processing the memories where it really meant we could keep trying.  We are very glad to have the memories that we have of Page, Jimmy and Mamma.

Some of the stuff is pretty interesting. No one has ever taught us anything since Page was murdered. It is how we kept hope alive. We lean things we refuse to be taught. Mamma did teach us how to be a prostitute. What else could she do. She was black, with no shoes and her son was in a cage held captive.  I was there when her sons tortured body was shown to her. I did not know that until now. We will need to process that later. That is OK now. It was not before as we did not know about Pages and Jimmy’s death.

We do really like our chances.

So tomorrow one gets to see the Gypsy Dancer when ever he wants and he can talk maybe. All in the same time!!!!!

We are a tad overwhelmed. It is exciting and we are all very very happy and proud of the work we have done to get here.

A word on calories. This work takes a lot. We have been eating about 1/2 pound of bacon or ham a day.

If we have the energy we are going to have pancakes with real maple syrup. For breakfast. As many as we want.  I can tell you how to make the best pancakes ever. Make the batter the night before than take the batter out in the morning for about 1/2 hour. Trust me.

Funny story.  I was in England and some were saying how great Denny’s pancakes were. I scoffed. So I had some Real Maple Syrup mailed from the states. Well England is at sea level. All you can make is crepes. I bought a barbie. That is a barbaque. It was a little tin thing for $4.00 I would fill it full of charcol and it would be read hot.  There we 50 of us in my block and we would all cook on that barbie. It was fun. I am a good out door cooker.

I hope my therapist is rested up for tomorrow.

I am going to the pool. We need to be a little bit careful. We are pretty out of it.  I would not want to be a therapist. It must be quite a thrill when a multiple is with you and one of them exclaims they can see when ever they want. He was not always blind. We were not aware of him when he could see.  Does not look good for pancakes. We will see.