Archive for December, 2013

Sun Deprived

December 31, 2013

I am sun deprived and so is everyone else around here. It effects me differently as my body had and has different experiences.

This is what happened as best I can remember. Two days ago we were sun deprived. We managed to drag ourselves outside and regrouped. Yesterday we went to zumbamat. Before zumbamat we did laundry. To be accurate my washer and dryer are in the cellar which is accessed by going outside in the ice around the house through the snow that has not been snowblown as my snowblower is broken. Not complaining it is just a little harder is all.

So that was new as we usually write before zumbamat. We in a way protect it like we do therapy. Right after zumbamat we were very hungry. We went to the restaurant and had forgotten our book.  Those that draw were out and they drew the salt shaker on the back of the place mat. We had forgotten our coat there the day before and the waitress told us she had it.

We went to the track and walked through the crusty snow and got some sun energy. We then came home and slept. We went to a swim and then came home and did not sleep well.

So we are sun deprived and out body is adjusting to this and we are fighting that. We can not heal while sun deprived.

We before would have been freaking out more. In part as there were more murders to to deal with. We would not have the understanding of why we did not work this summer so we could get out of here this winter. We know now that when we were making that choice we were dealing with processing murders and chose to take the risk. It also helps that there is a good possibility that next winter we will not get as sun deprived. Our body is changing, hopefully our diet will be better and we have less work of trauma to do. It is also likely that we will be able to work this winter and afford to get our of here.

Now everything is messed up. No therapy today, no zumba on wed. The zumba in a new place. We can not go swimming, it is possible the tanning booth is closed. If it is we will try and find a place. We are poor. where we eat will be closed tomorrow. We do not have a way in place to do the work of therapy as it comes up.

We are not yet out of it and can tell how our brain is working trying to find out what is going on. It helps to know we are fighting not to adjust to not enough sun and just stop healing. It will get worse and we will lose the understanding of what is going on. Well we will not lose it we will not be able to explain in any context that anyone can understand and there is the risk we will accept their understanding.

So the pros believe we are depressed. They would work on the results of being sun deprived as that is the limit of their understanding. When we got enough sun they would be most proud of themselves. The Dr’s would try and give us some sort of drug that would make it so our brain had no chance of understanding and be very proud of themselves. Some would go the deep breathing yoga route and when that did not work blame us for it not working. Or worse they will offer suggestions that we have already thought of and that will do nothing other than wear us out. Reality is it will cost us 400 in fuel to get to any sun.

So we now understand that we started to become sun deprived at the point where if we could we would have headed south. Guessing about two weeks ago. It has been a downward trend since then. It showed up in that we could not swim our hour.

So that is our reality not what others perceive it to be. Please spare me that we feel helpless due to the trauma. Good news is this is NOW a temporary situation.

We also believe we can not get by getting sun with out swimming. We could use out kayak.

So this is much better than before. Much of that is we have a solution that we can not make it happen is hard. Really hard when there is no solution. We have been through this before and it might have read that we had the solution. What we had was a guess that it might work to get into the sun. That is different. Reality is we do not need what we did before. We just need 10 days in the sun somehow. The traveling in itself uses sun energy. It is not like we can go and do the work of trauma. Only way it is happening is if a job comes in and that is unlikely.

So that is what is going on. We will go to the tanning booth and see what happens. The tanning booth is not the sun. it is a stop gap measure. It makes things less worse.  If we were able to get out of here it might just be a make it less worse thing.

We do think we have a chance of getting enough sun here. We do think there are less distractions this year as we really do know what is going on. There can be shorts weather in March. That would help. There was one day we could have worn shorts and we missed it.  Just not part of our normal thinking. We never even wore shorts before.

A cruise is now and option for us. Before it was a risk that we would go on a cruise and be it to rough shape to deal when we came back. We could leave out car at the bus station and just go on the cruise. We do not drink so our only cost would be less than most people.  We can easily do the last min thing.

Anyway that is where we are at. We have no money right now so it is not an issue. One thing that is different is we will not data dump all the work we have done today. With the tanning booth and having processed our brain will not shut down to the point were we would have to do this work all over again. It is a physical thing and not emotional.

Good work that even though it did not result in any change.


That is weird and we do not understand. We went to get breakfast. It is bright and sunny out. It is only 5 degrees. It is warm inside. We now want to go to the track and walk outside and not go to the tanning booth. We wonder if our brain is not being tricked. We wonder if the writing above convinced some that we have solved something just because we worked it out. Kinda like when we plan to eat and do not we are not hungry. We do have some time to figure it all out which is nice.

It might be that the plan to go for a walk includes eating and the tanning booth does not.

We wonder if we have switched and left some away. It does not feel like it. It feels like we could do “stuff” we actually have as we did finish the laundry. We wonder if some have not gone away and will be out once the sun is again that they did what they could to tell us what was needed and then they went away.  We are not delusional. We know there is little chance of getting to the sun.

We wonder if some are getting out of the way so we can find the sun. That as far as they are concerned others are one it and it will happen. When it does they will come out and heal.

So we really do need to know what to do now. Options are the tanning booth and then eat then sleep. Or the track then eat then sleep. Could do the tanning booth then eat then sleep and maybe do the track.


OK it could be seen that we over reacted to not having enough sun earlier in this writing as we are OK with sun right now. This is what we did. We were conflicted about going to the track or the  tanning booth. We went to the track. It was way cool as we could walk on the crust of the snow. That is rare even for a child. For an adult it almost never happens. Good work out also. Here are some images of our two labyrinths and one of the maze. For anyone who thinks we have to much time on our hands we do not have a television and this is exercise as well as getting some sun. We went to the diner and ate some average soup and read. We then went to the tanning booth for 5 min in a 20 min bed. We should have gone 7. It seems the tanning booth with real sun has a different and better effect. We have always done either or. That is valuable info and we expect if we go to the tanning booth after exercise it will be better for us. We checked our min and we have only been in the booth 40 min in the last 6 months.

Then we came home and had a good sleep. It seems we have the morning and nights pretty much on track. This just in and it is important. We leave this time of day as an out in case the rest of the day goes south. We never write at this time of day. Or those that are out now do not. This time of day is all about how to prepare for the night. Right now it seems that this is a new thing and designed for the work we are doing. That is highly unlikely. We think we connected with those that are out just this afternoon.

Oh I forgot the images.









Oh we also forgot we prepared a lumanari for New Years Eve. What we did was took a saw and cut the crust into rectangles. We then used the saw to shape the pieces. It is all quick and down and dirty. We bought a candle and it is a soy candle. The soy is not going to work it does not burn bright enough. We do have one we can use. Key to making luminaries is to dress warm so you do not get frustrated.

We are having issues with our speech which means some are out that do not usually go with others.

We are working as we go along that my mother does not really know how to love. She does not have the capability for what ever reason. She is superficial. She is nice to be around for most people. It is all about her in a kinda unique way. It is like this she was a Realtor and she would give and get gifts from her customers. She never sold much it was social for her. She is about appearances. Here is the thing many and I mean many people who know her would tell you that I am crazy. She really does not know how to love. Now she treats me terribly and I have no real understanding why. She does not to my face it is all backhanded. I do know it has nothing to do with me. Could be she resents that I am alive and my twin sister is not. Could be she blames me so she does not have to face it is her that turned us over to the traffickers. It is like this if I was in a auto accident and called her she would come to see me and has. She is not that callous.  It is something about control and if it does not make here feel good than it does not exist. It is like this if the pill was available she might never have had children. This does not mean all people that do not have children are unfeeling at all. No way do I want to seem to  imply that as it is not true.

OK those that are out are kinda being nicely told not to mess anything up. They have a tendency to take over and not be aware of the others. No they are not like my mother.

We are going to the movies if it does not snow. It is most about eating.

So we have this space in our day that is saved for a kinda relief valve. We knew nothing about it. The way it seems to work is those out can ask if something is OK to do and how to do it. Lets work on summer as it is easier. We might go out in our kayak. That would be OK as long as there was a workable plan to get to sleep. They might set up going swimming so we sleep at night. Or they might just continue on doing what the others have started.

OK we are working backwards now. They were the ones out on the drive home from work. Depending on what was going on other would be with them. That is enough for now. We will over time go back to where they came from. It is likely that there roots are from when things were less horrible. There will be trauma behind them that most likely has been worked on. It is likely that there roots are from when we were a baby. Those out are impulsive. They might tell our mother we know about our twin sister. That would not be good for us. We would pay dearly financially.

We are not so sure about the going to the movies now. That has been happening a lot with everything. Hard to deal with. Am told it is better than it was.

Ok back to the plan. Will going to the movies help with us being more rested. No way of knowing. We do not really have a good plan without the pool.



It is not good to be a boy whose mom does not love.

December 31, 2013


December 30, 2013

We are working out our plan of being as rested as we can be come April 1st. Some see it as not getting tired and that means not doing the work. Some see it as same old same old in that we are just trying to survive the winter.

Actually as I write what we need is Zumbamat. Lots of what is an issue right now will not be after zumbamat.

Although we did Zimbamat on our own we did not recreate it. The way Zumbamat works for us is that we can regulate it for the now as we are working in the context of what the instructor is deciding to do. When we do it by ourselves we tend to try and excel. The key for us to Zumbamat is aerobic first then toning then the mat work. The routine we did was aerobic then mat then aerobic repeat.


We worked for a while with the DX of ADHD it actually was the only DX that was even helpful for coping with the effects of trauma. Thing is it was a going away. It was also blame. We kinda put it all on the back burner and it will be helpful to bring it back. We understand we are creative. That is not an reason to be un-organized. Some would say we like things simple. Thing is we like thing simple so we can do as much as possible. It is something just to be aware of and integrate into being less PTS.


We do nit ascribe to that memories are stored in a certain part of the body. Anymore than stress is all stored in the neck. We surly would not be limited by intellectual understanding. We will not be limited by what others know. All that being said like dreams we do notice things. If we have what we call trash or garbage dreams we know there is clean up work to be done. We know if we start wanting to cut our thigh than there is memory work to be done about what we saw done to someone else. If we want to pound our thigh than we know we are angry and that is the start of more grieving.

We know that when this work started we had warts on our hands and out feet. They disappeared and we somehow knew they would.  We have been all about our feet as of late. Started with walking on the grass after walking in the track. Our feet seem to be OK. There have been other things like our shoulders and our knees. It is not about stretching or releasing it is about getting stronger. Save me from the anorexic guru who tell me what to do. We know there is much about breathing. It is not helpful to control and manipulate breathing through the practice designed by those who live and lived a charmed life. The breathing is a result not a cure.

All that being said we have something going on with our right shoulder, our hips and our ribs. Something is being released that could not be before. It is making us sick and will take a lot of energy to deal with. Not as simple as doing exercises as our body is not the same as one who did not spend so much time in cellars in cages.

No this release or what ever it is happens all over the place an the hips seem to drive it.

Now here is a weird one. Sit on a chair and grab the seat so you can lift one leg up and then the other. We can do this no problem. Lifting both legs was impossible. We told and showed this to out therapist and now we can do it. That is just plain weird.

Today is the last day in the place where we started Zumbmat. We are going to say good-bye to it and ponder our experience there. We can easily walk to the new place it is right over the hill. Be twice as far by the road than the crow flies. We used to walk to school so walking there is both filled with the danger of freaking out and a way to process. We will see.

So we are doing laundry before we go to Zumbamat. We are aware this could interfere with our resting as we usually come home from Zuymbamat and sleep. We are trying this as a new way. It is kinda working out we are good till about the afternoon and then we have no real way to be until w swim.

Staying with it

December 29, 2013

We are having a hard time staying with our eating, sleeping and getting enough sun.

We are going to the tanning booth more as a precaution than anything else. That and we hope to use the energy to sleep.

It is not that the plan is not working it is the drive to do more. Part of that is we do not really have a understanding of what we have accomplished in the last few months. We did come up with an elegant solution to our arranging the furniture. So that is done.

We went outside to go to the tanning booth and the sun was low and the clouds bringing the rain were reflecting it so we went to the track and walked in the labyrinth. It may just be we are getting better at it, we do not have to worry about getting out head right at all. A person with snowshoes reasonable to assume the same person walked through our labyrinth again. I am going with it is malicious. Does not matter to us just logging that in.

We understood that it was just two days ago that we had to drag ourselves around the labyrinth. We thought that we would not be upset when the labyrinth melted. We found that interesting. It occurred to us that for us swimming in the like is a labyrinth as is paddling. We have a rule when going to a job site we never go back the same way we got there. Again a labyrinth. Climbing a mountain is a labyrinth.

This is the lamp we are using for our room. We like it and there is something going on with that. It is not an expensive lamp. The lights can all be move around as they are on flexable 18″ cables. It can be two lights at 50 watts, three at 150 and 5 at 125. That works well. Anyway something is going on with thaSAMSUNGt.

We do not have to do laundry to go to Zumbamat so we are not going to.

We are getting stronger we can tell when we walk in the labyrinth. It will be interesting to see how Zumbamat goes.

We really do not get getting stronger by resting. Why we keep writing about it here to keep us on it.

We are going to take a nap. We do have the out of going for a swim if the nap messes us up. We are aware we have not been swimming our hour. Tonight might be the night.  There is a little risk of not being able to go due to freezing rain.

We are floating this idea. We used to do it with the swimming. We wrote down what we did for exercise and what was going on. This is not a set goals bla bla bla thing. Some of us would love to do that as it is easy. We are going to let the idea sit. Some would love to incorporate strenuousness exercise into all of this. Problem is others will not sleep. For us it would be just like drinking a glass of wine every day. When we wrote about it some saw themselves as being pushed out of therapy.


We laid down to sleep and we slept. It was a good thing. We needed it even though we have had a lot of it. We are glad in this moment that we stayed with it. We woke up and needed sugar. We bought oreo’s and milk. That will be supper.



As we wrote there was something going on with the lamp. In part it is because it is beside the bed yet not in it. It was wanted that it be cleaned. It was not dirty just dusted. We all learned something by cleaning it. Here is the thing. It is a good design. Materials not so much. We can not just clean things as of yet. We thought about polishing the plastic with different grits of rouge. making a totally new one out of stainless and glass. Building a controller so we could have each one on a different switch with a dimmer controlled by our phone. We though about buying another one for by the desk. So some were upset by all this going on. They they started taking images. You see it is the way we all are as far as we known.




So the furniture is arranged. We are going with this is for 90 days.

So now we need to decide if going swimming is best or pushing it. Weather may turn bad that is just the way it us round here.  It is best we go. We will sleep better we are pretty sure and it is good prep for zumbamat class in the morning. Going with the come home and sleep plan. Lousy week for sun predicted. Then again so was today. Just something to watch.

We have very minor tension in our jaw. We think it will go away with the Zumbamat. It was not long ago this time of year we were hoping not to break teeth.

OK we have not left to go swimming. Here is the thing. It will take effort to get there. We did not know that.

Back from swimming.  It was wanted that we did not make the swimming into something it was not. Pretty much do not do the ya buddy we are going swimming thing. There was someone in the hot tub and so we stretched in the pool. That was a good thing. We swam a bit then hung in the hot tub.

We came up with that what we want to do is be as rested as we can come April 1st. Unless something happens we are going to have to set up a bunch of meetings to get work this spring so that is all set. We want to make enough money so we can get out of here the March after next if that is what is wanted.

We started with being as rested as possible. We like the being as rested as we can concept. It really does not interfere with anything it is a matter of focus. If we process we can be more rested, if we get stronger we can be more rested. One can not rest really really hard. Ask me how I know. If we are stronger we can be more rested. If we focus on being stronger than it does not follow we will be more rested. Say it is best to travel a bit to see someone we love. The being as rested as we can be works.

We have done the do something and be more rested when we get back and that was best for then. This concept has not seen the light of day it feel right as there are not real draw backs other than it is more loss. It is different as we do have a sense we can be happier than was possible before.

We do not want to live a life where the goal is to be more rested. Part of life is going for it and being over tired. We do like the concept of having a base of being rested that we can get back to.

That is it for today.



A multiple thing

December 29, 2013

First I am so going to try this.

We kinda slipped a cog last night. Our blankets were blocking part of the heat vent so we looked at rearranging our room. We could not find a good way to do it so we just moved our bed away from the wall. This caused us to slip a cog and have vague flashbacks of a MKULTRA facility. We slept in a dorm like setting with other children. The light was always on although they dimmed them at night. There was Valium in the water cooler and the staff drank a lot of it. All the children would have to drink the Valium before we went to bed. We of course were addicted and had to go through that withdrawal with out having a clue what withdraw was. So it might be incorrectly said that the bed being moved to away from the wall was a trigger to this memory.  It is much more complicated than that. First we have slept in many beds not against the wall with no effect. Second as we did not buy into the trigger concept we understood that one was out well before we moved the bed. He was talking to kitty which he does often but not when not in bed or on the floor with kitty.

We worked a long time with triggers flashbacks and the like were a way to know what needed to be worked on. Now it seems it is more that some need to be out.

So moving the bed away from the wall would not always cause this memory to come into consciousness. That is missed with multiplicity.

So some want our therapist to be written to this morning. It does not matter what. We know that is about some are afraid of being left away. Being in this MKULTRA facility was great for us. Food, water laced with Valium and sun for an hour a day or more and the sun was usually out. So some got left away. In part it was that we were never ever alone other than if we got sent to solitary. That or waiting for one of the behavioral scientists.

Sometimes it feels like some are stuck in a place. That used to mean there was a death to process.

All and all we do think we are on the right track. We seem to be bouncing around in certain points of transitions of when things improved in our childhood.  All these transitions are not emotional they are physical. Pretty much did we have enough food, water and sunshine.

We have a pretty good shot at a decent January. Some of us want to spend the next week making that happen. This is uncomfortable for some of us as they see it as a going away. It always has been even in the recent past. The one that gets hugs from our therapist while on the couch did not get their hugs for the last month. I have no idea how long it has been for the ones that go on the floor or in the square. Pretty much if things go well they get left away. They see us doing well as a danger as it is not good for them. There is not telling them that it will be good for them as they know better. They have to experience it. It is not that any of us were mean to any of us nor that we did not care. It was best. In a way it was what naturally would happen. Things start to go better as a child and the child goes with what is going on. What is not natural is the trauma.

We are enjoying our humor more now. It was used pretty much to take the edge off everything.

That is enough for now. We are in-between sleeps and going back to sleep. We will wake up famished. We will have to in-cooperate what has gone on in the last 12 hours.

December 28, 2013


We have no clue what is going on. It is more frustrating than distressing. Here is what we know.

We got messed up and regrouped and went to sleep. We have a sense some did not get to sleep but it is not a strong sense. We did well with eating until the end of the day. We went and got some sun. It would have been helpful to go for a swim. The pool was not open. We did go to the track and walk in the sun. Someone walked with snowshoes on one of our labyrinths.  We do not know if it was malicious or not. They could just have no idea.

We read much of the day and that was a good thing.

We went to the good-bye place and tried to use denatured alcohol as light for a luminary. It was an eerie light.  It burned hot and quickly and melted down into the snow. We use a stove we have made out of a cat food can. We went back with a candle. And took some photos. Nice effect with the ring around the lumanari. The images are not of the denatured alcohol.




Least we think they are cool images.

We did not sleep well at first last night. We would have had we gone swimming. Well most likely. We see the going to the good-bye place as not going well. We think there were times we went there before and it was the same thing and in that at the time we thought it did not go well.

It feels like we are searching for something or one of us. The one of us rings true. We looked at what are we missing that we have been doing in the recent past and the only thing is the zumbamat. We are thinking we should try that knowing we may end up sleeping. We are also missing seeing our therapist. Not any distress or anything we just miss her. We have a sense it is much about not taking off and doing something even if it is wrong.

We are going to do the zumbamat as close as we can to how it is usually done. We do not think that is necessary we just want to check. We are not that worried about having the time and place changed where we do the Zumbamat. We still have not evaluated if we want to do it here alone. We think the Zumbamat in class is more of a just go and not have to think thing. We do not have much of that in our lives. it is almost like we pay for the month and then we are committed. It is different with the pool as that is we like to have it available and when it is not on fri, sat and Sunday morning it aggravates us.

We do wonder to the point of we think it might be true that it is not that things aggravate us more or things that should not aggravate us do it is we start from a point of physical aggravation due to how our body developed.

So it seems we are on the right track with the doing the Zumbama here today. It feels right even the thinking about it. A little analyzing here we do a lot with have we ever wished we had not done something. Say we are not really up for going to the pool or zumbamat. We go knowing that when we leave we are going to be glad that we did it. If we are not glad we did it than it has always been we were over trained. We do the same thing with therapy if we think nothing is going to get done. No for us the drive to a different place is part of it. That does not mean it has to be so it is right now. We acknowledge that we have transition issues and that makes sense. Our problem is not that they are hard we so them by switching. Here is how it works. Note: This is hard work and we do not want to do it.

It is different for each switch. We are going to use Zumbamat class as an example. We are almost totally prepared. We like to leave something to key the switch. In the came of class we use getting water. That is because if we mess up than we can get water. Everything is set to go in our knapsack and in the truck. It is aggravating in the winter as we have to bring the knapsack in. That is our base and they way we did things most of our life. Our clothes for zumbamat class are all ready to go and in one place in the house. If we have to pay than that is a little bit of a hassle as it requires a switch. Then there are the things that we can add and drop. Sometimes we wear out hat and sometimes some will say I do not wear a hat. Sometimes we wear a pendent sometimes not. We park in different places.

So by doing the Zumbamat at home we miss the options. It is a matter of keeping things the same enough so they can change. The key for us is not taking off.

Note: This was not as hard work as we thought. It is more review. What is hard is some want to change things to make things better and they leave some away.

We are still dealing with the planning for spring and the next winter.  That is not what we need to do.

OK it is time for our second breakfast and then do the zumbamat here. What is hard for us is the results of doing that will be over the next few days. We tend to only know about what is going on in the now.

We are all set with not having a snowblower. It was about the sculpture we do with the snowblower. We have that figured out. That is a good study in that had we just jumped to doing it our new way with a shovel and showshoes it would have left some away. What we do with the snowshoes is pack down the paths we have. We tired it one year and it works well.

We are getting a somewhat strong sense that there is one missing from the menagerie that we do not have yet. We have been kinda looking for them.

Now when we do the zumbamat here we might use up or sun energy.

We may be wrong it seems this writing this morning went really well.

Too well maybe. Just kidding.

We went to get breakfast and remembered we needed to add oil to out tuck. We ate our breakfast sandwiches than went to the good-bye place. We think figured out more what was going on. It is about the first summer we had where there was not trauma or severe pressure. Bonus my father was not around. We healed a lot and we figured we had things figured out. We were then abused by a minister.

This is a major step in not going away. We also know now of the one that sometimes is in therapy that goes on the floor.

We are not going to do the Zumbamat. We are going to sleep. If we were to do the zumba mat that would be a going away.

Nice work that.


OK so we slept or at least tried. We then went to a restaurant to get our cheep breakfast even though it was 1 o’clock. While at breakfast we were dizzy and sick due to the processing even though it was in our world minor and not about trauma. Just the bringing the memories into consciousness and the strain it bring on the brain and therefore the body caused it. We then caught a huge break. We went outside feeling awful and the sun was out shining brightly and it was warm. It was enough of a influence so we dragged ourselves to the track and did the once around our labyrinth.  We came home and slept well. We did have something going on a a frappe handled it.

Our snowshoes are broken and we are going to get another pair. We were going to just get a pair. We are together enough so we can not actually look at them. We know a lot about them so it is really just price. Like many things the new materials available have brought down the price and most everything you buy is now a real snowshoe. It is like kayaks when the roto-molded came out a lot of kayaks were not real boats do to design.

It is nice to go look at something to purchase and not have it a struggle as we are so out of it. Part of the reason to go look is that we  want to stay away of planning for tomorrow. It seems the eating and sleeping is pretty much what we need to do for a while. maybe until spring and then it will just be easier as the sun is out. We are pretty sure we do not have to wait till swimming like we did before.  We can’t swim outside until May.

Back to out body and processing. As hard as we tried we could not stop the blame and the questioning if we were doing the right thing. Maybe we should eat better, maybe they are right about just drinking water. Maybe our cramps are just from not eating enough bandannas. Maybe we need to do yoga and when we practiced it we just did not get it. Maybe we should just go back to our old way physically. We now that we are working on less intense memories we can know more we were doing what was right.  When healing the body is really strained. The concept of treating it like normal is foolish. Kinda like when the nutritionist made a lot of soldiers sick as they did not have enough calories to be in combat. We were doing this processing and we had a stitch in our side like you get when you run. They do not know what causes that either.

All that being said we are moving closer and closer to what is right for out body is normal. Why? No more murders to bring into consciousness.

So we processed some stuff when looking at the snowshoes. First we were never in a store as we lived in cages. It was overwhelming to us with all the colors and such. You can not know what it was like unless you lived in cages. In a way we get to choose how we shop as it is in a way new to us.

We just checked craigslist and as lots of people have them and never use them that may be the way to go. It is nice to have that option. We have changed a lot. Craiglist would be a lot more fun except for the gas to go get stuff.


Trying as best I can to correlate to what is thought to be true for the very best experts I would say what is going on is we have melded, integrated, joined enough so that our core personality is different. To say it is the last one out is not right. I guess at this point it does not make any difference.





December 27, 2013

We slept through the night and if we are going to be in between sleeps than it is now. No this is not isn’t that great progress bla bla bla. We are not being negative. It may lead to something that might lead to something that is good.

This is what we think is going on. There is one or ones that have been in therapy. The first time we know of we sat with our back against the door. Our therapist said we did not move at all for the whole session. The reason for out back against the door is fear. Fear that someone will walk in and they will get hurt as we do not know what is going on. We always laugh at those in the mental health field that believe they can handle the Iceman. They can not.

So there are some that go to therapy and they lie on the floor. They are out at other times although they are separate much of the time. We know how to find them. When we find them there will be memories that come into consciousness. It will be exhausting to find them and then more exhausting to do the work.

The Dr’s and educators in MKULTRA were elite. They went on and on about themselves. That is how we know so much about that they were doing. We were a child we did not know what a insulin induces coma was. We have been chasing it around for out whole life.

It is why we crave sweets. Comfort food does not really apply.

We are going back and forth to the good-by place. It is hard as we are not as alone as when we paddle.






December 26, 2013

We still feel lousy. We feel better than yesterday and that is new. Obviously it has happened we have not experienced it. It is a multiple thing we think or it might just be how we experience time. We can schedule things in a way that no one else we know can. We do buildings faster than anyone else with no loss in quality. Actually there is one person who comes close.

It is a big deal to experience this. It is a good feeling and it will be helpful. Much easier to keep going with what we are doing if there is a improvement from day to day.

We are aware that we need to sleep, eat, get enough sun so we can process and then grieve We kinda left the processing and grieving out. It was rough last night and still is to face that is where our energy and life are going to be directed. Still.

We are pretty much doing the same thing. We are sleeping and eating and getting enough sun. It is not as critical as before and we did need to go to the tanning booth. This is much easier. We still have to stay with it. We much of the time feel we are close to the end. It helps that we get some time each week were we can do things with out having to drag our selves through it.  Just less processing to do is all.

It feels like we are still going through our cycle and each time we do something gets processed and so each time we go through the cycle it is shorter. Parts of it are easier. The actual grieving is not.

It is less of trying something and hoping it helps or at least does not hurt and more looking for the best way. There has in the last few weeks been close calls.

It is easier in other ways also that are exponential helpful. We wanted our dehumidifier. (We have forced hot air heat.) We were getting dehydrated when we slept. Before it might have been days or weeks before it was best to go upstairs and get the dehumidifier.

Just so you know the plan to reduce medical cost in the US is for you to to what you are told and then you will not get sick. If you do not do what you are told you will pay more for your insurance. So if you decided not to have the knew operation that has been determined to be useless (700,000 done at a cost of 4 bil) than you rates will go up. if you are an athelite and have low fat ratio you will be off the charts and your insurance will go up. I suggest lying if you smoke or drink.  It is really getting bad. If you are arrested and not convicted your insurance rate and you cost of getting a loan goes up and stays up.

So we are having one of those days where if we sleep and do not go for a swim we will not sleep tonight. We can not swim for the next two days as the pool is not open. So we need to make sure to go tonight.  We can keep track of the time better now as we are not as exhausted.

Our concept is working!! It always has it is just that now with the murders having been processed for the most part what we need is somewhat more conventional, given that our live was destroyed finding a way.

It is definite now that we did not get the ski area job. We could have made that work. We think this will be better.  no way to know with this work.

Much of this work now is kinda normal although most people do not seem to do it. Just figuring out things that could not be figured out before and reality is we might not have bothered with out this work. Although trauma is the issue learning how to go as deep inside as we have learned changes a person. No we are not enlightened.

We have done a little work on a new lumanari design. We took a saw and made bricks out of the crust on the snow. We are thinking of making a bunch and then putting them in the freezer for New Years Eve. It will be 20 years since we know something was wrong. Took 12 years 9 in therapy to find out we were abused. Lots of times we felt our life was a lie. Thing is what we were told about our life was the lie. Including the pros who think they know what trauma is like.

We did process as a child. This is really re-processing. As a child the interruption in processing was more trauma. As and adult before component therapy it was people and life in our way and we were alone with it. In a way when some of the ones we loved were murdered it was being alone that messed us up. As long as people were getting tortured with is than it was more handle able. It is hard as much of the time we were alone and that is some ways is easier.

We wonder if our memory is actually better now than it ever has been. We will ponder that now. That did not not take long. Not even close.  Some things are easier. Our memory is not what it once was. We are pretty sure it will return and be better than ever.

We are aware this is a break from therapy. We know some that need to do work and every time they have it has been a horror to deal with. We have a good chance of being in much better shape to deal with that come Jan 7th. We are not dumb it will not be as bad as before. It may not even be that bad. No way of knowing. Now something in the now could set us back. Nothing for that. We are aware that there is still a long winter ahead of us. Reality is we can not be in the lake until May. Unless something happens we will not be eating cat food or have to be in a very cold house. We should be able to afford to swim and do Zumbamat.


OK we are back from swimming. We woke up from our nap feeling awful. We were not happy and did not understand. Some are working very hard at this resting thing and we need to honor that. I can not really describe the work they are doing. It defies what is known that is for sure. There is more than a little bit of well this better work or we are crazy thing. We need to work on that as it is disrespectful. Plus it will just make things harder. This is very important. The good news is we figured out that we felt better tonight than we did last night.


December 26, 2013

We did not write here since yesterday morning. We did post the images. We can now go back and in order write what we need to write. This is new and is in part as we are hanging with the we need to sleep, eat and get sun. We could also write it Hodge Podge.

So we did our zumbamat work at home. We used a video from  the Fitness blender site and listened to 80’s rock from the Pandora site. We went to You tube and downloaded the video with “1-click video down loader 2.2.2” We have found that Firefox is a better brozer to download you tube from than the Google site.

The work out went well we used Fat burning HIIT from fitness blender it is cardio  then Pilates etc. We could not keep up we just modified. We did not evaluate by comparing to the Zumbamat classes as we do not have to and we are just trying to get through till mon. We do know we like the actual work out better when we can regulate it and it is more of a work out. We might want to go 24 reps or 10. In class we tend to follow unless it is way to hard.

We then at one time really missed the menagerie. It was not a we need to go get them or anything and we were not sad just missed them is all. We then slept. We slept most of the day and knew we were not having enough sun. We got up and got ready for Christmas eve. OH forgot. At some time we were all wound up about the luminaries we needed to put together with the snowballs we made. Some were going to modify the snowballs and it all got crazy. What it was was some or one was afraid that if we did not keep after it than we would forget or they would not be out.

The snowballs had turned to ice in the freezer and our idea of sticking them together with spraying water did not work. We took a dish of warm water and rolled them in the water and that worked. So we had to bring warm water with us with a pan and got a little behind with getting ready to go. We had to wrap some presents.

We went to our therapists house as we told her we were going to and she was leaving as we got there. We did not know it was her and so we said. I am making a lumanari for ….. Then said. OH it is you. We hugged and that was nice. We had thought about it and this time it was OK if we saw her. It sometimes feels like her and I are on a journey together. There were technical issues with the snowballs. They change characteristics allot depending on the temperature. We found after a while if we tunked them together after putting them in the water they would stick. We were very cold by then and just kinda made it work. It was very pretty. We had decided to bring the other one to the good-by place and put it 0n the ice.

We went to my mothers for Christmas eve and ate. We had decided to go with letting them know we were “on” so they would not be a big assholes.  It was amazing. They talked about how they were together and bought me a turtle neck knowing I never wore them. They do that sort of thing all the time. They are fucked up in the head.

We got all we could out of that and brought food home which was a good thing for this morning.

We went to the good-by place and made a lumanari there and took the images. We then drove past the lumanari and back by to see how it looked from the care. It was beautiful. We checked this morning and the candle did not burn all the way. We are going to light it tonight if that works out.

We came home and slept. We woke up feeling awful. We did not even care to try and figure out why. We this morning if we had the money would have gone south to get some sun. We are guessing when we can again go south if we want we will not need to. This was a different feeling awful. We just did not want to feel that way. We are and went back to sleep and felt a little bit better. We got up and ate and the slept again. We then went for a walk in the sun.

NOTE: We were at risk of starting a crash. It might have been months from now. This is one of the parts that we have missed and we just deal with the results.

So it was 8 degrees out when we went for our walk. We are really liking being back to how we deal with the weather. We were walking in sneakers, a sweater and a hooded sweat shirt. No gloves. We were not cold and we were feeling our body. We have been outside quite a bit and we just have a good attitude. We are also smart about it. If the wind came up we would have not stayed out in the cold. We walked around in our labyrinth. We went both ways. It was interesting. Building it was much different. In a way we got confused as to direction and would we get out intellectually and yet were not confused. We came home and ate and slept. Then we started writing.

We have had this thing where we snap too. Some of the 57s have been waiting for this to happen for years. it is a threat to the others. We may have a understanding of that now. Say we had money and took off for down south to get sun. We before would have snapped to and the others would be left away. What always happened once the trauma stopped is we would do well and that was what the 57s were about and then we would try and find a way to heal. We would always crash as we were alone with it and we could not do it alone. We do most of the work alone it is critical for us to have someone who understands they do not understand knowing we are working hard. My therapist knows as much as any therapist she does not know what it is like to be me.

The going to Ecuador showed all of us that we can find our way back and do the work. It is actually ongoing, we are processing the being a prostitute and those that were prostitutes with us that we liked. There does not seem to be anymore that we loved although it might just be we do not know if they were killed or not. Like I wrote we are still processing.

The knowing that we go through times where our body is in a state where we can not drink water and get hydrated is a big deal to us. Now we know what happens we are more likely to be able to avoid it.

So we are not out of the woods yet. We need to sleep and we will have no food when we get up to speak of. We are closer.

This is hard and complicated. Full of ways to make errors and there is not clear way to go. Through in memories of murders coming our of nowhere and it is daunting.

We really think we are on the right track. We do not really know what is going on with time right now. That is part of what is necessary to do this work. Coping be damned.

Reality is the last decade by this time of year we were headed for a crash it was just not close enough that we could know it. We are still at risk but we like our chances.

Physically we are still in recovery mode. We are using the swimming as a measure. We have not been able to swim an hour or about two weeks. The worst thing we could do is to push ourselves.  It is much about not having enough sun. Maybe we can get sun again this afternoon. It is hard to know what is best. It is so much easier in the summer. The reason it is hard as it changes. Right now sleep, food, sun and a swim is best that may change there is no way to know.


December 24, 2013

There has been a switch to a different 57s and so this writing will at last start out as clinical. They are from when we started having girlfriends. That for us would be when we were 12 and dated a 16 year old.

So we went to therapy. Part of it was about having a kinda easy session with our therapist. A no one like a sad boy things. We did not want her to think of us over the next few weeks and know we would be miserable.

We did not protect therapy and did things afterwards. We went to a store to buy a present and what we wanted had been sold. That was not good. We figured out what t do. We ran into the clerk from hell at the pot office. She was not only a jerk to us she was a jerk to the other clerks. Really over the top. She said my 2 looked like a zero. When she asked me what number it was I said a 2 what else could it and she said a zero. I pointed to a zero and said. That is what a zero looks like. She then said I changed it to a 2. I said no it was already a 2. She then said that zip code says Chicago IL is that what you want. I pointed to where I had written Chicago IL and said yes mail it to the address and zip code I put on the letter. She said there are lots of zip codes in Chicago I wanted to know if you wanted me to change it. I said no send it to the address I have written and give me my change. She gave me my change and then I started to walk off and she said your receipt is the only way to track the package. She was a super twit.

We then came home and slept and read and cried. It has been two days of crying. It is not really attached to anything. The last decade every christmas morning we have driven to the ocean and cried to prepare for christmas.  I do not know then the crying to prepare started and the 57s that are out can not find out with out switching.

Kitty is doing his daily flow. That means he has us pick him up by the tail. He loves that. Weird ca

Therapy was pretty benign. We gave Owl and Tiger to stay with out therapist. We did notice that we are letting her see some of our internal communications and it is confusing for her as out internal communications are obviously not in any normal context. Just to warn you we are clever today. That was really internally warning us. by being clever we mean we joke around and no work gets done and then others are upset when we leave. It is rally the artful dodgers come out.

One did get a hug which they have been missing the last two sessions and that was a surprize.

So we are very much sick and all shaky. It is a emotional hang over.


Pretty much this is about when there was a break in the trauma which morphed into who ever was being tortured to death was dead. This was controlled by the cults/human traffickers. What is important is that we get back to the others and can find them again. This is not going to happen for the most part for the next two weeks and one day.

There was a plan put in place by others and the 57s need to do that plan the best they can. Pretty much make finding the others as easy as possible. Hopefully not mid summer. Those out will modify the plan as that is what happens with plans. The over all plan is to try and keep things the same. Not what those 57s that are out are about. That has never been their job.

The key to today is to do something that resembles Zumbamat. We have downloaded the video and then we are going to do it as close as we can to how we do Zumbmat. We do need music which we just found out. Good thing is any music will do. Or the 57s that are out have no clue.

One thing we are going to do is to go or a ride in our car afterwards. Do not know why. We discovered Pandora.  Tat should work well. It is going to be intense with the music as there is no reason to hold back. it may be to much for us right now. We will see. First thing is we need to eat. No we need to go to the bank.

OK we have eaten and gone to the bank. We have decided to do the Zumbamat as much like normal as we can. We are going to use our gym bag. Did not know it was a gym bag until right now. We are going to wear out hat. We are going to start at 9:30.


Those out have a different metabolism.