Archive for September, 2011

The ones of winter

September 30, 2011

The ones from winter and coming out an about. It seems to be fine. The ones from fall are not really gone away and not really here. We do not expect any big issues with the ones from winter being out and about. It works that way for us if some are out out of season than it seems to really help. Very integrating.

We are pretty sure that those of the spring will we OK.

Much of this is about not having to do it all again next year. This is much more better than not knowing of we can get to it at all ever.

So the issue is those from deep winter. We were in the hospital last deep winter.

The ones from of the deep of winter are very very hurt.  We do not know if we know about them our not.  It is possible we only know about the ones that leave.

We go through a thing that is called telephone pole to telephone pole. It is how we used to find our way home from school after a particular bad day. We would not know who or where we were or how to get home. We would sometimes be in the woods or wake up in a snow banking. We developed a thing where we would find telephone poles. We would walk down hill until we came to water. Then we would find out which way the water was moving and follow it downstream. We would come to the river in town and then go down stream. Always looking for telephone poles.  It was easy then to tell when you were closer to town. The lines got bigger as you got to town as did the transformers. Eventually there would be more lines. At the time we did not know the telephone lines were on the bottom. We would keep doing this until we were in a place that we knew then we would walk home.

While doing this we would lose our concentration. We could only hold down hill or to the next pole. We would kinda be asleep walking and when we woke up see the next pole and go to it or go down hill.

When we astral project we often follow power lines.

Depending on our concentration level we would watch for street lights. That meant we went past our house.

It did not happen just in the deep winter that is when it happened the most. It was hard as the main road in town that we needed to find was flat so we would get confused in that we knew we wanted that road yet that conflicted with the down hill. The river was not far from the road.

We once got totally messed up doing this. We have measured it and we were 5 miles away from the house at night sleep walking. We were 10. We still do not know how we got home. We stop at when we knew where we were. if we walked home to where we lived in the summer it was a 10 mile walk by the road. The five miles what through the woods.

We just looked it up on the new GIS maps that are available. It matches perfectly. I went to the shack where we planned on hiding those left from MKULTA. We then knew they were dead and wondered off for a bit. Then followed the stream. 5 and 1/2 miles later we came to the road where we used to be taken to go swimming. We then followed the poles till we knew where we were. We were 10 miles from where we stayed in the summer. We stopped where we lived in the winter and got some saltines and water. We wanted to go to sleep. If we did that then we would have no explanation. You have to understand we had much MKULTRA training with all this. In a way it was an adventure as no one told us to do it.  When dawn came we knew where we were and it was like a mission. All be had to do was get home before anyone knew we were missing which we did. We ran part of the way. We were tired and we remember we went off in the woods to sleep.  It was nothing for us to be in the woods for half a day with out telling anyone. Most of the day if we took a lunch.

This we all kinda knew about it is more filling in stuff and we now know why we went to that shack.

This we find interesting. The reason this is coming to us now is we went swimming. Where we swim there is a pile of rocks. There is just about everywhere there is a swimming area in NE. We have lots of rocks. So where we swim there is a pile of rocks that we knew was there and found by accident one night. Today we decided to memorize where it was. That is why the memory came back tonight. Pretty interesting. Least we think so.

The ones from winter are the ones that got us home that night. They are also the ones that needed to go to the shack.

We have breached the number of us that can be out and about in a day. If we are not careful we will end up sleep walking or sleep driving and end up not knowing where or who we are. This only happens when things in the now are going well. Why we avoid it.

The sun thing.

September 30, 2011

It is really really making a difference. A big difference. Before therapy we were aware of the sun subconsciously. In a real way it was part of us staying away from processing trauma which we did not know how to do. Now it is a way to make the processing easier. For years our focus has had to be on making the work possible. We really feel we are now making it easier. Easier means  faster not quicker and that can be folly.

We do not know if we can sustain this through the winter months. First we have a chance and secondly we have certainly made the winter shorter.

This all would not be possible with out having done the processing for trauma and integration. A long and most difficult process.



We understand now that we give the impression of being dogmatic when we are not. This is all on us. The impression we give is our responsibility. It is from how we internally communicate. A short hand which assumes we all understand not much is absolute and goes without saying. Unfortunately the world does not work this way. It is often when dogmas based on unprovable assumptions conflict that there is an issue. We never really understood this.

The easiest one we have come up with is Agrumentum as verecundiem it is a fallacy  to state something is true as an authority says it is. Not sometimes always every single time unless authority is always correct. There is no gray area. It has to be one or the other. Much dogma is not possible unless this black and white fact is rejected.

What is important is we accept that some people do not for what ever reason accept this concept and for us it is hard to continue a conversation. Which seems like we are being dogmatic yet we are not. We are accepting logical reality. We like to have it in place before we work on the gray areas. We live in the gray areas. It is not necessary for us to ignore logic. We do not think the answer lies in logic only that is a good place to work from.

We will need to do much work on the appearance of being dogmatic. Much of it is we start from logic and go from there rather than try and use logic to prove what we came up with.  It is about having a beginners mind.

This kinda all goes away with being successful.  It might be why black and white thinking is so unaccepted. People defining there success by having jumped through hoops. Accomplishment is not a criteria. All very hard as my and our accomplishments as of late are not explainable. We know we are on the cusp of the accomplishments becoming in more normal areas. We are well aware no one is ever going to know and they are going to need to make something up and what they make up will always be disrespectfiul of our accomplishments.

Even our therapist really only knows a small part of it.



September 30, 2011

New study. People that meet the criteria of being stable according to psychologists become more open if they take mushrooms. They become more creative. Go figure. Start with the most closed people you can find and make a difference. What a fucking breakthrough.


Big Piece of the Puzzle

September 29, 2011

We really really need sun. Before therapy we just kinda found a way to get it. Therapy in a way meant less Sun as we were working more.  When we look back at our life it is like Oh that is what was going on. Even the fugues were in large part of trying to avoid what happens when we do not get enough Sun.

Here is the thing. If we exercise a lot or work physically and get enough sun that we kick ass. Thing is we leave some away. This is not emotional this is our reptilian brain telling us what works and what does not. The emotional part is some of us were telling us it was not working for them and we could not hear them.

It is all on a very very deep level.

We did buy a light box. Cheaper than building one. It is a LED thing so the bulbs should last a long time. It is $150.00 investment. There is a small one for 60 it has the most bad reviews of anything I have ever looked at.

We are not going with what is known. We are not going to do 30 min a day every day etc. We are going to listen to our body and know what it tells us will not be the same each time.

We are not going with a wake up light. We are going with being outside and watching the dawn.  We are not accepting our body will always be like this just that is what is best for now.

We had a craving for fried food. That was weird. We got some scallops and right now we would not want light. We never ever ever have a craving for fried food during the day. We don’t eat it during the day.

When I say craving  I should say need. It is not an imagined need and it would not be here if we had enough sun. It is more than not having enough sun. Our reptilian brain knows we are not going to have enough sun. That is why every fall is a horror and why we often just tried to make it to spring. This may be because the MKULTRA was run on the academic calendar there is not way of telling.

Knowing this is all directly related to one of us seeing our therapist as in not going blind. He finds her most interesting. Not as much as water.

In the multiple thing we are reading again. That is not done in the summer. To much sun to be had. It is pretty weird we stopped reading this spring and we know right where we left off in the story. Pride and Prejudice as it is free on our phone.

We kinda messed up and did not protect the day of therapy and the day after as much as we should. We were pretty afraid of what would happen in therapy. We have been running over by a half hour. That is our therapist gig not mine. There are many working with our therapist and they know what they are doing. I have no clue.  My end of it and those that go with me is to make it possible not do the work.


Dragon Brain

September 29, 2011

That is what we call our reptilian/animal/lower brain.It is kinda our brain before we walked and spoke in paragraphs.

Our dragon brain had many many near death experiences and much physical trauma. Much trauma that the dragon brain knew was wrong.

Our dragon brain is different due to these experiences. We know how the cognitive brain comes back and shuts down. We are learning how the dragon brain shuts down and comes back. It is hard work.

The deaf dumb and blind boy is also mute. All his senses can leave us. It is the process of near death.

We could start to list them. That is to much for right now. We do know smell is the first to come back and speech seems to be the last.

This is all confused with abandonment which is really a function of the dragon brain knowing it is alone and needs to be quiet.

I expect this is all not an issue unless you had near death experiences and trauma followed by  long term abandonment followed by trauma as a small infant.

This is all tied into sleep. That is how the dragon brain gets reset. Needs to be free of on going trauma to reset.

Not as Driven

September 29, 2011

We are calmer than we have ever been. Calm to us meant bored. It got confused.

There is work of therapy that we could do. We are going to put it on our document Ravel. The hours and hours of standing at attention waiting for what ever horror or training was planned for us saving our energy. And the last time we were buried alive in preparation for a faked exorcisim. Hooked up to electricity so our body would jerk around. That night ended with me having super strength. A 60 pound boy successfully fighting off 5 men. They came back and I lost that one. The good doctor gave me a shot and then I was thrown in a tub of ice water then water boarded with a dirty green wash cloth. Much better than celophane.

My parents were told I was not to come back to camp. Put that one in the win colum.

Interesting I am typing inside downstairs guess we did want to do some work of therapy. Just a tad.

I am aware this all seems not possible. You had to be there.

This just in they came back twice. They came back with guns. Lots of guns. They retreated again. A 60 pound little boy who had enough was to much for them. What of assholes.


September 28, 2011

Much of the work we are doing now could be called regression. This is child like not childish. All children are not childish. They get tired is what happens.

Anyway. I could come up with a model that PTSD is regression interupted and CPTSD is from a body growing where regression is not possible.

My therapist does not regress me. That is not happening and would be a nightmare I might not survive. Much of the MKULTRA stuff was regressing.

We so not spontaneously regress. We do not act like a child around people other than my therapist.

We have always been more childlike than most people.


Not words

September 28, 2011

Whatever is going on in therapy is not a word thing. I can not explain it.

When I was 3 years 8 months I moved. The daily programming stopped for I think a year two months. I see myself as smaller for that time. I’m thinking I had a chance to be more of a child. That is as far as I have got.

Auto Correct

September 28, 2011

We are working on language. It is important not correct. When one says if we do not get sun than we will die it is not helpful to explain. Auto correct. We need to really listen. In a real way dare to listen.


September 28, 2011

We are afraid of winter we are very skilled at it. Some of us were unaware of this fear as we were unaware of how horrible it was.

It is a day of therapy and those that do not know much are out and about. We need to get out of the way.