Archive for September, 2014

New Understanding

September 29, 2014

This is pretty important to me.

When a person has a stroke there is a period or neurological plasticity.  It lasts about 3.5 months. I think this is the same mechanism that happens when traumatized. The reptilian brains first protect the vital organs and then there is a period of neurological plasticity where the brain and body adapt to the change in environment. This is instinctual and not even subconscious. I expect that the 3.5 months is to prevent a constant state of neurological plasticity.

Healing from trauma requires achieving a state of neurological plasticity and when you do the memories start to come.  So the person who is healing from unprocessed trauma achieves a state of neurological plasticity they start to come unglued. They area confused and ask for help. In this state the cognitive brain will accept about any solution. This is from socialization in that the pack/group what ever is “supposed” to care for others. It is the mechanism of “brain washing and the Stockholm syndrome.

Enter the therapist who thinks they know how to heal from trauma and the person being treated accepts the false understanding. This lead to coping and never healing.

The way to get t0 this neurological plasticity is not known. The reptilian brains can find the way. First thing is to lot listen to anyone who thinks they know. Including yourself that has listened to others.  Hard as when you achieve this neurological plasticity memories start to come. A life time of trying to avoid neurological placidity and experts who are afraid of what is happening to you when you have achieved this state.

When we have achieved this state before we take on something new when we need to not do that. It would have been a mistake to use our plasticity to learn Spanish. We had our mind set on doing that and it is going to take some work to abandon it. It was a mistake to try and learn rhythmic breathing this summer. It was a mistake to try and learn things when we need to just heal.


September 29, 2014

We really are not into writing her right now. We are just checking to see if we should.

We are grieving the loss of Polly. That is what we called Vickie’s baby in out head after we went back to our FOO and she was still alive. We also called her Laurie. We have two names for lots of people.

We did not really work on Ecuador so far so we could continue to process. We really had no idea how beat up we were until yesterday.

We are still working on getting enough sun. It is hard as we get sun and we can do more work. We can be out in the sun and not get good sun energy. It is going to be hard in Ecuador as it is hot which gets in the way. The advantage is it is always available. We are pretty sure we can make it work if we have the ocean to cool off.

If anyone has any questions or comments that is different for me than writing.


Theory I found helpful.

September 27, 2014

I have found it helpful to work with this theory. It is a theory of learning. Four Phases as follows with my understanding;

Unconscious Incompetence. This is where you are bad at a task and do not even know it. Some people and it may be the majority stay in this phase. Lets pick on therapist. They go to school and learn what the college tells them and then thy add to it and never really know they do more harm than good.  Another example is golf. Some people hit a few shots that are not terrible than spend their life thinking they almost have it figured out.

Conscious incompetence. You figure out that you are not good at something as you learn about it. Pretty much you compare yourselves to others and know you are found wanting. Unless as with therapist you suck and so do most people that are therapist. This is similar to golf. 1 in 20,000 golfers can actually score par on a legitimate. Most people suck at golf so lots of golfers think they are OK at golf. They never get to conscious incompetence.

Conscious competence. This is where you know what you are doing. Does not mean you do it well just you are competent at it. No creativity is involved. You do not suck in every situation although you are still not good at it.

Unconscious competence. You are good at something.

Lets use doing the dishes as an example.

A child does dishes for the first time. They do not get the dishes clean yet at all excited about doing them.

They then figure out that what they have to do do get the dishes clean, dry them and then put them away. They know how long it takes. That they need to buy dish soap. They learn the best way for them to do the dishes. They might rinse them and then do them later. They might air dry them etc. They can just do what they want to do with out thinking.


It is different for me. I know I suck at thing when I start to learn them. I always know how good I am at something. It is not it is the best thing that I can do it is evaluated against everyone that does the same thing. I am one of the best legitimate scientists in my area based on being able to get projects approved. Those that worked for the state and are connected can get things passed I can not. They are not in my area. I can beat over 50% of golfers. I know any woman collegiate golfer could best me soundly.

Here is the important part. I bolt if I start to experience Unconscious competence. I Learned this making marbles. I can make marbles one after the other that are beautiful. For me that means making marbles is over for me. I expect that the fact I even know it is the start of this not being true.

It makes sense that when I am experiencing unconscious

Ironically my thinking everything through is seen by the world as a good thing as it is effective.

They only way I could do the marbles with unconscious competence was in a studio where everything is all set. It was not costing me anything as I was a monitor and I was alone in the building. And 4 years of effort getting comfortable. That and a whole lot of other work not the least of which is to know of the many murders of those I loved in my life.

In a way this work of processing is to be able to have unconscious available in a way that is not possible when it contains so much trauma.

That each trauma breaks of a piece of the soul that needs to be retrieved including in past lives I find to be a truth for me although that truth in of itself is not real direction.


September 23, 2014

We went to therapy today and came home and slept. We told what we knew about Vickie’s baby. It was hard. We know that things will be coming to us over the next few days.

We will have a laptop in South America so we will be able to post it that is what is wanted to happen. It seems most of what we are working on is just normal stuff. And nothing new.





September 22, 2014

I have not been writing here much. I have been writing to my therapist although not as much volume as in the past.

We have been sick and we think we know why. We know we slit someones throat. It has been coming easier than in the past. We pretty much know there must have been horrible circumstances. We remember a gun was pointed at our head. That is nothing new to us. It was Russian Roulette and that was not new although it was faked before.  We remember thinking that as long as he keeps pointing it at my head that will be OK. If he starts to shoot be up by degrees that is going to be a different situation.

We have to go slow with these things. If we killed someone and wanted to than we truly do what to know that. Only as we know we will sooner or later anyway. It is easier now as we are pretty sure with all we have processed we never wanted to hurt anyone.

We are on track to go to South America. It was rough as we were not in any physical shape to go and now we know why. We have therapy in the morning.

We are hurting physically. How could we not be?

We can not keep our body temp up.



September 19, 2014

We have been sick for about three weeks.  It was much different and we think we figured it out. We are healing from being sick instead of getting over being sick.

Big difference and was not possible before.


September 16, 2014

Going to therapy is not a issue for us not has it ever been so. The thought of it right now freaks us out.

Note: Dr have a 50% higher suicide rate than the general population. Probably not a good idea to look to them for mental health advice.


September 15, 2014

We are correct that if we have sun, food, water and exercise we will heal.

We pretty much have not seen our therapist in a month and the healing has kept on going.

We bolted towards the good-bye -place. We drove here and there. We finally went just because we  needed sun.

We did not paddle that far. We cried a bit.

We have therapy in the morning.

We have framed some part of Vickie baby life with us. We know her birth which was a horror for her and we knew she was with us when Vickie died. We do not know what happened to Vickie’s baby although some say she was killed.

It is weird that we are sad about so much. Like getting groceries was a big deal for us. We got away from my father and wee got to carry groceries in. My siblings got treats I did not. I remember my mother got malted milk powder and I pretended it was my treat. Same with some grape fruit juice.

Our house is cold and that does not help.

A miss

September 14, 2014

Because we have been getting more sun and in a different way we missed that out body temp has been dropping. The last three nights it has been severe. It is so much better we did not really notice. Likely would not have noticed but it is going to be cold tonight.

We believe that the body temp thing is our body working so hard at healing. It seems that our brain is changing as the temp effects us much differently than it did before.

We are pretty sure we now have a way to get back to some sort of baseline physically. It feels like it is taking forever and yet realistically it going faster than before. We are all but sure that if we were not leaving for the sun we could not regroup until next spring. It is no that we could not get any work of healing done it is that some healing was just to intense and all of it was much harder than the summer.

We are pretty sure there are some of us that see what should be done differently as they lived in cages with out many options. They take care of things like being cold or in pain all in there head. Much of the torture was about food and often things were set up so an animal or child would not have food if I did. There were also times when we were older that we were in isolation and had daily supplies if we ate our supplies than we would go hungry or starve later.  Some of the captivity included long periods with out food even though it did not go to the starvation level. We learned to not eat food and horde it.

Therapy in two days. We really can not get all torn up. The weather is going to deteriorate and we have a lot to do before we go to South America.




September 13, 2014

Now we know the over all pattern of our life we are starting to see mini patterns that we not available to us before. In a way this all came about as out therapy was consistent for the last few years.  Maybe longer.

We do not know what to do with this seeing the mini patterns. We hope we do not have to go over all of them we have had our whole life.  We would like to just create new ones and not leave any of us away.

We are not going to be in this country so we don’t know about the pattern thing. Maybe now we know the over all pattern it does not matter where we are.

All that being said right now we process and then drink a lot of diet coke.