Archive for April, 2014

I see icicles

April 29, 2014

I saw icicles hanging from a tree. Guessing that means we will be doing processing of things that have all ready started such as we did with the tear gas training. Experts often state that you do not have to go over every detail of trauma. This is true to the extent that on everything has to be verbalized. We have noticed that since we have some sort of narrative and have grieved the murders of those we loved to a certain extent that we can more quickly and there for with less disruption process. That we have more sun now is an issue.

The diner is closed today and it was a relief not to color. It is fun when we do it. It does take energy although no real effort.

We made a break and caught a break by going to get our morning sunrise even though it was cloudy. We happened to hit it at a time when two fronts were coming through and got 4 min of sun. It helps.

We have put our pot roast in the crock pot. It was fun and the reason was we have enough sun. We never understood why things were do different.

It is huge to know that some were in charge when we had enough sun. It makes us all feel better about how we all are. We are very careful to know that our understanding is real. Does not always mean it is correct all all encompassing it does somehow make it more OK when we are wrong or get more or a deeper understanding later.

We had a weird dream last night that was unique to us. Or brain and mind were processing and we kind tilted as in going around a curve. That was not the dream part of it. We then dream we were in a bus and it turned over and over. It is kinda our brain coming online with out our brain. I was able to get to the front of the bus and start to drive. It was funny as I tested the air breaks to see if they were working. Who does that kinda cognitive analysis when dreaming? I know nothing of air brakes. We were all tossed around a bit and so I had the idea I would drive the bus to a hospital. One of us said. No lets go to Montenegro . As far as I know that county was names just as the name is so cool. most of us did not know of that one of us. She is black, of very good nature a a bit chubby.  She seemed to be based on a girl who was special needs that came up to us in a hall way in school and scared us by hugging us and telling us she loved us.  We did not handle it as well as we would have liked.

We have had experiences where it felt like we were on a bus and I was driving. Mostly on the way to therapy. We wonder now if the bus is not filled with people were we did not handle things as well as we would have liked and did not know why as we had not process the trauma. Might be what the icicles are.

My my my we are making good sense of this all. Must be we are wrong. Smile. We know of the one that says My my my. He has wonderful stores of going to other lands and doing good deeds and the villagers say. My my my that is a very nice boy. Or my my my that boy has a very wonderful tiger. He has not ever been out in therapy by his own self.

The weather just looks worse and worse.

We on purpose and with purpose decided to write our therapist today in a e-mail. We used to have a thing where we went to therapy even if we did not see our therapist on the regular scheduled day.

We wrote to our therapist and it pretty much took all day. It is pretty much what we have written her condenced and is some sort of order.

We are looking at the probability that we will have 6 days of now sun other than maybe some cloudy sun. That including today will make 7. It will be a test that is for sure. We may go back to where the sun makes us sick again. A week is a long time. We have no idea what we will be able to do with the tanning booth. Nothing for it. The good news is it will be getting warmer. That means it will be easier to get cloudy sun. It seldom rains here all day. Very seldom.

We get that as we get more sun energy we learn to use more sun energy. Nothing for it.

We are well aware that it is May come Wed and we are still sun deprived. That is not good. That means May will be about gettting un-sun deprived and that means we have 4 months where we can prepare for 8 months. Who knows it may work out.

Healing from growing up in cages is hard.

 

 

This writing has changed

April 28, 2014

It is not a switch it is just different right now. If feels more important which is nice for me as I do much of the writing and am around for a lot of it.

We did talk to two people we love very much on the phone yesterday and that was very nice.

We caught a break and got a little bit of sun. We did a Nordic walk for a mile and 1/2 or so. We came home and went to sleep at 7:00 PM. We woke up about 3:00 am and we were in between sleeps.  Last summer when we had more sun we would get up between sleeps and just so something and then we would get tired and go back to sleep. That is what happened and we woke up at 6:00 am and headed directly to the diner. Our back is a tad sore and that is from the sleeping in the cold. We will need to be careful when we walk. Make sure we warm up well. We were still tired at 6:00 am and knew we were going to be to tired to color on our master piece. We were a little bit out of sorts and may have been a bit obnoxious at the restaurant. We did color in one of the coloring books. On the way there was only one cloud in the sky and it was stuck on top of the local mountain. We had to go look at that.

We came home from the restaurant and played our game on the phone. It was different and we did not play as long and then we had a good sleep. We had to rush to get our McDonald’s breakfast and then came home and may have slept again. So out of the last 24 hours we have slept for at least 14 of them. No we are not depressed we are healing.

Something happened with eating yesterday afternoon. I remember we were going to get an ice cram cone and it was to busy for us as we were tired. We bought a pkg of oreo’s and ate them with milk. We needed to keep going to try and get some sun. OK we remember now. There was much angst about if we should go to the tanning booth and should be sleep afterwards. This is complicated. We saw the sun come out a bit and decided to do that. A few min in the real sun is better than 12 in the tanning booth. More fun to get and has a better effect.

After breakfast we did get some morning sun. We went to the bleaches. We are now more OK with going even if it is not for lack of words the best.

It is about noon and we are out of sun energy. Out of sun energy is different depending on our threshold which is based on how much sun we have had in the recent past the body adjusts not only to the sun it has but what can be expected.

The barometric pressure does effect our body and always will and we always will be aware of it. It will not always be you better do little as you need to conserve sun.

It is about sleep. Thing is when we sleep we process and if we get more caught up with processing than we start to have memories come into consciousness.

There was nice sun this morning and we slept through it. It is sill about a bit it is not as good as this morning. We will be going out in a bit. This writing is important now in a different way.

We think there will be enough good sun so we can get as much as our body can get at this point. What will happen then is an unknown.

We are able to go a little faster and do things more on the fly. At least it seems like it. Might just be we are nervous about this sun getting away.

We really can not over do how important the sun is to our healing from living in cages in closets and such. We may want to go to a sensory deprivation tank to heal from all of those. We would need a month free to deal with that. That may how ever change.

This work is just as intense it is just not as dramatic.

I know why we can go fast. We could sleep.

We went for a walk using our Pacer pacer poles. We walked about 3 miles I would guess. We talked to a jerk and it was a contest to see who could be the biggest asshole. I won. He was telling me I was on his land and I was not. I used to own a land survey company.  He now wants to be friends. That is not the way I roll. It was a total switch and not really helpful. Part if it was he was a lying asshole and we knew it.

We did get enough sun.

Before we went for our walk we played the video game on our phone. It was intense for us. We are now in a dead time and have enough sun although we have not slept and so it is different. We really do not know what we should do. None of us does.

OK we have thought about it and it is OK to cook the chicken that we bought to cook. That is as good as it is going to get right now and that is OK. What we have to watch out for is the some take over and start something that needs doing.

Those out have no clue about the sun deprivation. Actually they never did before and now they do. They would do as much as possible before we got sun deprived again.

We are cooking the chicken and that is all set. We have always gone with that we all need to express and if we do than we integrate. Those that are out have expressed through out out lives. Never with the understanding that there are others us. The ones out are multiple and they do not know about the other groups or not all of them and not about the oldest ones which are the younger one. They need a lot of time to express as they have had more time in life and are used to it. They want a pedometer. They want to know how many miles we have walked. They want to keep track of it in a note book. Being honest they want to start training for a marathon. In a way they can do that.  We understand that it is a long long long way off and much has to happen before then. We just want to run one.

This is what is really really important. Their training is going to get interrupted. We are going to get sun deprived. That has never been known. They can not take over the walking. The two are not mutually exclusive.

It is huge to know that the training will get interrupted and why. It is a very very long way off in that we may not even run this year. That is how far off it is. First goal is to get under 200 pounds. That may take to till the end of the summer and then we may gain the weight back when we are not sun deprived. Other things may happen.

So reality is we are up as we have got sun. We are are not going to tomorrow except maybe in the late afternoon. Wed is the last day we will have a pool membership. We do want to go one more time to finish our good-byes even though we might go back.

Those that are out do not really understand how things get done without them. It is impossible to explain. We have pacer poles and we have the camel back and they are in the truck with our sneakers. We can go walking when ever we want. As far as they are concerned those things just happen. It is not like they feel privileged or anything they just do not really understand.  They did not know about the sun deprivation. Say they were out when we bought the pacer poles than it would have gone a certain way. They assume that it went the same way when they were bought. They do not understand how hard it was and the angst that we had about doing something wrong.

Those out have to be OK with this might be the only afternoon they get to be for a while. There is no way to know. That is new that they know that. It is wanted that we get a notebook. That might be the best thing to do. That will tie us all together.

OK we were able to find out notebook that we used for keeping track of our swimming. That will work great. As far as the pedometer goes It may just be best to estimate how far we have walked by time and with a map. We are going to see if the USGS map has enough detail that we can use that. We do not care about accuracy. Just cool to know we have walked a 100 miles or something.

OK this is what happened. We were tired and could have slept. We needed to get sun. Those that were out went and go sun using everything that had been set up. We played the game on our phone that we would have played before we went to sleep. Due to many factors not the least of which was running into the idiot during our walk others are out and if we are not careful they will use the sun energy. In a extreme example that would have happened before they would not be out again until we were sun deprived again. I am told this is incorrect. That they would not be in charge until we were sun deprived again. Good to know. Very good to know. 

Looks like the open glass studio is going to be a go. That would be very nice for me. We can make lots of marbles to trade and I can hang at the studio.

We were going to make a pot roast in the crock pot. Then it was known we all ready had the chicken to cook. We are going to get the stuff for the pot roast. Or we are going to think about it.

We have the pot roast. What we are doing is actively preparing for the sun deprivation of the next few days.  What we were doing before was getting through and planning for when there was sun.

This is getting less and less complicated as we work it out.

 

 

 

We do not all sleep at the same time.

April 28, 2014

We also have trouble sleeping at different times.

The way we handled this was to stay physically exhausted before therapy. We always knew that a crash was really exhaustion.  Now we know it was about we did not have enough sun energy.

We were incorrect that the first time we had sun was the MKULTRA facility. We were taken to a hospital in Boston and put in a coma. We expect it was a insulin induced comma. We were packed in ice and shipped in a plane with other children. Some died and we knew this in the comma. We did not know them it was many souls close to death. I was taken to a Dr house to finish my recovery. We expect it was in Austria. There were many hills. We lived with the Dr family and we did get sun. I did not speak the language and that was probably a good thing. My job was t0 wait for the milkman and bring in the milk. I slept with my buddy Pasquale and used his clothes. One day we went to market and I offered to carry the groceries. Pasquale was not pleased as I made him look bad.  He changed towards me as the mother and Pasquale’s  sisters thought I was great as I was a foreigner and different. I was also me.

I was taken to a ornate cathedral and witness the sacrifice of a little boy about my age. The Dr had taken me to it. In my life it was not that bad for me. Then it was off to the ship for one on one abuse by the DR under the guise of MKULTRA training. We know much about what happened. In in not in order of our life. We do not know where we were shipped after that. We were drugged again.

In Australia we took a train ride by ourselves. We had a note pined to our chest. It was fun. Explains why we never wear a pined on name take and why we freaked at out first number on our shirt in a road race. Explains why we spent a night in Boston just riding the trains. It was memorial day week-end and we had some sun.

We road the train to another hospital. There we were drugged and shipped again this time by ourselves.

There was no sun on the ship. I stayed in a padded cell and it was cold then hot. Not enough water there was food.

The staying with the family was in ways like when I almost died when my twin sister died and when I was brought out to be socialized.

It is all getting ordered in our brain and that takes a toil on our body. Does not help we are getting dragged around by the sun although it is not as dramatic. There will be sun tomorrow. Our goal for today is to be as ready as we can to get sun tomorrow. We are set up as far as having stuff ready.

We are putting off getting a heater. We think we can still make this being cold work.

We figured out what causes our body temp to drop is when it is colder inside than out and still cold inside. So if we have a propane heater we could quickly warm up the house to a warmer temp than outside.

We often get told please don’t and it is a pleading. It is much about the sun. On some level it is known that we will use up our sun energy and some will not be able to be. It goes away when we have enough sun and then stuff gets in the way of our healing. Pretty much we need to spend our sun energy to prepare for when we do not have any. There are only short times when we can heal at a very very deep level and some years not at all. In a way today we will spend as little energy as possible so we can get sun energy tomorrow.

Going to the tanning booth yesterday was helpful. We did miss an opportunity to sleep in a way and in a way we learned to carry over the sleep and some got sleep last night.

This is getting easier.  Tomorrows sun is going to be followed by another rainy spell.  All we can do is prepare to get sun. When I say prepare I mean save energy. We have things set up to get sun very very well.

It is about sleep. We need sun energy to sleep and unless we push ourselves physically we will use sun energy in sleep. Had we gone to sleep right after the tanning booth we would be totally our of sun energy right now.

We have enough sun so our brain is working most of the time.  We have a thing that when we are with people we use energy in a different way. Then we are out of it. This makes sense when being in cages alone was the norm.

We are of to the restaurant and it is warm there.

Back from the restaurant.

We colored and it was fun. It is cool to color on the same place mat on different mornings. We came home and slept.

We found the propane heater at the local hardware store. We disrespect the owner and avoid going there if we can. With the price of fuel we need to get over that. Just something that got missed. The heater works well for the intended use. It just takes the chill off. We can not leave it running as the propane heater produces carbon-monoxide. It sets off the smoke alarm quickly which is a good check. We will store it outside so it is a safe application. Unless you really understand how to do it do not. Actually thinking about it the reason the smoke alarm went off was the burning of impurities on the unit. That will go away. It heats the room to 60 degrees in less than 5 min and that is all that is needed. All and all it was a smooth thing. The sky looks like it wants to clear. We may get sun this afternoon.

One thing that is happening is our dead time is taking less time to get to. We need to make the transition slowly as to what we do to deal with the dead time.  We can totally squeeze others out.

We would be lying if we did not admit that we resent having to do this work. Not just that it is hard and all. It is wrong that we have to do it.

Reality is we are on hold as we know there will not be enough sun after tomorrow.  We hate having to be this careful with everything. We are getting very used to that this summer can be just a temporary reprieve and we need to do the work or next winter will likely be something that no one would want to go through. We are going to rest. Actually we might go to the tanning booth and see if that makes us tired. We are really getting this. If we go to the tanning booth we will then be tired and we will sleep. We will then use up our sun energy. In a way the tanning booth allows us to use up real sun energy. Actually we do not yet have a handle on that. This is what we would do tomorrow at this time of year and there was sun. Actually it would happen much later in the season as we are kinda forcing things ahead as a way to work out of time. What would happen is we would get some sun by getting all geared up. We might go kayaking and get all excited that things were going better. We might make plans to improve the stuff in our life and push though intellectually through the cloudy days. In a way it is all about getting the most of the time we have sun. All we can do right now is prepare for tomorrow to get as much sun as we can and try and discover what is going on and see if we can do something about it. In a way we miss the feeling that we are accomplishing something. We actually were we were missing that we could not do it without sun. There is cloudy sun available. We are not sun deprived enough to make it worthwhile to get it.

We did look at are we taking this to far and over doing it. We are not. Living in cages causes some serious changes to the body and it takes serious work to heal from it.

When we are sun deprived and we know we are going to get sun maybe in a week we tend to discount our efforts.  This is changing now we know about the sun. It is frustrating as we can do nothing about the sun.

 

We are going to rest and see if we can get a handle on things.

OK we figured out the dead time. We are often out of sun energy some time around noon. 

 

So

April 26, 2014

We are pretty caught up and expect to sleep OKish.

 

We are working on pointing our feet straight when we walk. We find this interesting. When we walk with our feet going straight than our hands turn over so the palms face the ground.

 

It is pretty sweet to be able to walk and feel a bit better. We do have to get our head right. It is  less about some of us go and get all adrenaline filled as we go and just use up energy.  We did not eat well and that is going to happen for a while. We just needed food that was easy. We did sleep and did wake up and have a in-between sleep. We were to tired to write. We woke up at 6:00 and rushed to the restaurant. It is 6 and they get real busy. We did color just a bit. There is a new coloring book. The images are really to fine to color with dull crayons. We took it as a challenge and had fun. We could not bring on our mater piece on the back of a place mat as it was raining and it would have got messed up.  We are pretty sure it was OK for us to rush. It really felt like it was going to take for ever to eat all that food. It is not that much and what we eat every morning.

____________

We actually can not mess up like we used to as we have never been her this way. It is a dull a dreary day and cold and we have no heat in the house. The not having any heat is actually working our well as it is kinda like the cellar only we have enough blankets and they are not filthy. When ever we were taken out of the cage we were hosed off. In the winter cellar it was a big sink and in the summer on with a hose on the lawn. Not they best way to start being able to move around.

So when we were anywhere near this place what we would do is take off. We might go for a kayak in the rain. We might get as much done as we have energy to do. We are just kinda hanging out and sleeping a lot. We do need the sun to sleep we need to experience sleep when there is not sun. If you live in a cage you do not really sleep as you have no activity to make you tired. When we were first our of captivity we learned to get as much activity as we could so we could sleep when we were back in the closet. It was hard in the cages as we were only taken out to be tortured and such and my brother hated it when we were not with him.

One thing that is nice about having more sun is that we do not have to drag our selves to do anything. Say our hooded sweat shirt that we wear to sleep in the cold is in our truck. We can just go get it with out having to decide if it is worth the energy. We never knew what the difference was sometimes and it was that we had sun.

Maybe we should go to the tanning booth today. We are close to where it would be part of being dragged around by the sun. I guess we should try it.  We have time later.

The PacerPoles are much about breathing. It strengthens the muscles that you use to breathe. It also straightens you out by effecting your posture. Sometimes the cages were to small and we could not stretch out. We learned to stretch our legs and then above our waste. That is why we have the being split in two at our belt. Good thing we did not buy into what the expert would think it was. It will likely clear a bit and we could go walking. The weather predicated is sill lousy. Good news is there is not way to drive out of it so we need not consider that.

The going to the store and not being able to touch the crayons and not having one of us take over is very very important. We have no fear we will lose the importance of it now we know about the sun. It seriously could be 7 or more days until we can get any sun. We expect the being and sleeping in the cold may catch up with us. Nothing for it.

We would always think that we had accomplished something which we had. We never knew what made it possible was that we had sun. It really started when we were out of the cages and in the sun which was pre-verbal as we did not learn to talk until we were three as we had no one to talk to. My twins sister and I developed a way to communicate with sounds. I still know the sounds. The nouns are the easiest. Like the one for rats. We found them interesting.

Some stuff just comes to us and goes where it belongs like the tear gas training. It does make a huge difference if we had enough sun. We tended to have enough sun at the MKULTRA facilities. Sometimes it was just the hour allowed prisoners.

We have not been writing and that is much about saving energy as there is not going to be any sun. My therapist is on vacation. We feel bad for her and this weather. We are able to understand it is different than what we are going through.

We miss our buddy at the track. Jason is autistic or some other label. We have not seen him in a while and understand that for some of us they are worried and it is tied into my brother being gone. One reason we want to see him as when we are with him the association with our brother is gone. We do see people as real.

We are going to lay down. We expect that we will not sleep and that we will go to the tanning booth. Although the now sun is likely a short duration thing it still sucks.

There was a horrible spring about three years ago. It was so cloudy and rainy that peoples vegetable gardens did not grow. Around here gardens are planted at the end of May. That will really hurt if that happens again.

We have been over everything and there is nothing that we can do differently.

_________________________

We talked to someone we love on the phone and that lifted out spirits. We now do not get all adrenalinised  like we used to.

_________________________

We are back from the tanning booth. We went 12 in a 20 min booth. We feel pretty good. We are out of sorts there is a lot going on.

_______________

It therapy last Tues we understood that part of what we are doing is going to do well and then go back to our therapist. A kinda we will show her. We will do it with out her. It is a transference thing.

We are going to take a break. We have a strong sense we are going to need to do something to be able to sleep. We may go for a walk in the rain with our pacerpoles. The other two options are the movies or paying $10 to go for a swim. The swim would have to go well which would mean no-one was in the pool.

_________________

We were cold and it was not a good cold. We drove to the city to get a propane heater. We though of the electric. If we have the propane we can know our costs. It is also nice to have a secondary healing source in case the electricity goes out. There have been times when we could have used a totally portable heater. It was  a pretty easy decision.  There were not any in the city. We did find one in a different town.

On the way we were tired in a way we have not experienced. It was not wow that was something it was wow this is something. We knew it was OK to push and we would be able to get back to that tired with out much issue. We did have to eat a lot of calories and we expect that was because of the cold.

We felt that the being cold and sleeping in the cold was a good thing as it was like the cellars in a minor way. Once our body temp dropped it was like Ok that was helpful we got it now.

We walked 1/4 mile and used out pacer poles for 1/4 mile. Between that, the food and being in the truck with the heater on we are fine. It was a good catch.  It is supposed to warm up and we are going to see how it goes tomorrow. It is nice to have the solution. Or we may think about it and figure there is not much chance we will not have our body temp drop again.

We had the thought that our game playing on our phone and our writing here might be excessive. We have been doing this a while. It will stop when it is time for it to stop. We also know now that it is tied into the sun. We actually did get just a tad of sun today.

This is going well. It is hard and a bit of a slog. We are headed in the right direction. We can not know what to do tomorrow. We usually find out each day. That is nice for us and a lot easier.

 

 

 

 

Healing from living in cages

April 25, 2014

It is hard and complicated.

We have to out together from when we went to the tanning booth as best we can.  It was a good move.

We think we did sleep and we decided to go to the pool. No we went to eat at a restaurant. This work is taking a ton of calories. We then went to the pool. No we came home and tried to rest. Actually I do not know the order and it does not matter. We went to the pool mostly to say good-bye. There was a family there and it worked out well as they came and so we got out of the pool then when they came in the pool we went in the sauna and then when we got our of the sauna they were in the hot tub so we could go back in the pool. Note: If you are dehydrated it is best not to go swimming (osmosis) and stay out of the sauna. We did drink water. Some time we went to the RR track and walked. We used our Nordic walking poles and walked quite a ways. In the pool we thought about stretching and we are going to do that at the edge of the lake in the morning when that works out. We have only one rule about the walking at the RR track and that is on the way back from the next to last gate to the last gate is a just walk thing.

We also went to the track and walked a few miles. We then went to bed. We knew something was up and we did not sleep until about three this morning. Some where yesterday we understood how to heal from living in cages. Actually we are still searching what we understood was what prevented it.

We need sun energy, sun energy to sleep, food, and exercise out side that is not about performance. If we have those than we can search for a way to heal from living in cages.

We have not used the term searching in our writing before. It is a new concept. It is hard to do. It is hard when you have searched and found the horrors that we have found. It is hard when you have failed so often and never knew why.

We are sleeping in abut 45 degree temp. That is not an issue and is a help as the cellars were always cold. Sometimes we would be staked out in the hot sun and when living in the closet we were locked put in a box in the attic when it was very hot.

So we slept and got up about 6 and went to the restaurant and colored. We are doing and abstract on the back of a place mat.  So far we like it. We would not want to do it at the house. It is easy there as we get our breakfast and such. We then came home I think and tried to sleep. We knew some must be sleeping and we were resting.

NO we came home and then went to the RR track. We walk a bit to a trail in the woods that goes over to the edge of the lake/wetland There are a couple of benches there in the sun. It goes in a loop around some water. The stretching went very well.  We know a lot about stretching and yoga. Some chickadees happened by and hung with us or a while that was nice. Then we heard a wood pecker. We could not see him and went looking. It was like looking for a cricket. It was interesting it seemed like he was drumming in different place depending on where we walked. It always seemed to be the the same place if we were in the same spot listening. We are pretty sure he was not drumming in the lake and that is what it sounded like some times. We tried two places for stretching. It is important to us to not stay focused on the stretching. We focus on each stretch. Sometimes it takes a bit for us to get adjusted to the stretch. If a duck happens by we like to stop and see what he is up to etc. Having a strict routine is not best for us. We then just get it over with.

Sometime yesterday we went and measured the water temp in the lake. It was 70 degrees. Apparently you can not leave a pool thermometer in the truck over the winter. We have no idea how open water swimming is going to work in. Actually with the work that is going on we have no idea about anything.

We had a camel back issue and dumped out water all over our feet and then it was dripping down out back. Those things do not bother us. We just deal.

We use out Pacer poles and out form is coming along nicely. WE understand much of it was about breathing and we are working that out.

All morning one was saying I never had crayons. We were getting frustrated and angry and so they disappeared. It is not they are a afraid or anything. There is no point in them being out if who they are with is angry and frustrated. We kept at it and it was very very hard. We knew we did not understand what was trying to be expressed. Actually what was being expressed was I never had any crayons. Not they wanted them or anything else. They just wanted someone to know they never had crayons. They would have preferred that the gypsy dance was the one to know.

It was wanted that we go to the store and look at crayons. We did and there were 8, 16, and 24 sets there. We reached to touch them and there was no possible way that could be done by those that wanted to look at them. We are multiple we could have got it done.

Before we went to the store we did eat again.

We then slept working it backwards we slept about 6 hours. That is not a lot considering how little we slept last night. It is all good work although it does not seem that way now.

Before we would have had those crayons by now. We might have driven a long way to get them. We have been through so many things we now know that is not what is wanted. What is wanted is not yet known. This one is an easier on as there is little cost and it is at least right now known it is crayons that are wanted. What is wanted to be done with them if anything is not yet known.

We think we will need to do something to sleep. We are still up in the air about everything. We have no idea about tomorrow.  Guessing we used up a lot of sun energy if not most of it. That should be doable. We just looked at the weather and it sucks for a long time. We expected that as it is that time of year. Reality is there is little purpose to us getting sun energy as there is not going to be any sun for a while. It is beyond a case of diminishing returns.  It is nothing this time of year for there to be 5 days where the sun does not come out at all. It in many ways is going to be a slog for a while.

We are not being negative we are dealing with reality. We at least know better what will happen although we can not really know. We think there will be an adjustment period. We think once the sun does come back out we will be quicker at getting back to where we are now. It may work out. Our body is changing allot. We are pretty sure we will not make it worse than it has to be with out knowing. Thing is it could be a month if it is a bad spring. This happened before was a critical time and we just had to get lucky. This weather is how we ended up with the hemotoma.

With the knowing about the crayons and the wire to make the cage sculpture we think we will be able to get back on track. We may be able to better take care of out body as long as we know we can not do very well with out the sun.

That is what will likely happen. We may be able to do much better than that. What is important is to know it is not in our control.

All that being said we are in much better shape than last year. Both physically and with knowledge. We are not yet back to when we wanted to run. We do have a point in the now to get back to and we will not be in as much distress over what is going on. We do not think we will forget what we need to do. It is not really forgetting we never really knew what was going on due to the trauma of the murders.

We are going to post this now as we are done with our data for today.

 

 

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

April 24, 2014

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

We have slept most of the morning. There is enough sun now so it is not about coming our of the sun deprivation. We are somewhat hydrated. It is now about healing from having been in the cages and isolation. We have no method as of yet. We need to do something differently than we did when we healed from coming out of the cages before. Much like coming out of the sun it is not as important what we do but that we do it differently.

We know how bad this winter can be if we get sun deprived in a different way. It was always there.

We think one thing that needs to happen is we need to go slow. It is not that we need to take our time it is that it will take our time. It is very very hard. It is about some of us not taking the energy that others need.

One thing that we have discovered is to rest instead of doing something as soon as we are able physically.

W laid down to rest and we out version of meditating. It is a body scan other than we have no routine and we sure to not try and change anything. Our brain felt different on the left side. Kinda like it was a different density than the rest of our body. It hurt but not any big deal. It kinda spread to the other side of out brain and then we feel asleep for a couple of hours. We also felt it a bit in our face.

We are sure that this is in part due to us having more sun. We know we are processing and that is part of it. We wanted to take a look at if what is going on is we are now morphing back into how we did things last year when we had enough sun and were not getting dragged around by the sun. When we came back from Ecuador April was pretty much getting dragged around by the sun and we had not clue what was going on.

It is not the same as last year we wonder if it some of what is needed is needed now. We wonder if now that we have enough sun we will often lay down not tired and then go to sleep. It may be that can not happen if we do not have enough sun.

We have no idea how therapy is effecting all of this although we know it is. Our therapist is all good with it so we are not going to worry about it. We did notice that last session we were leaning to the right as if to stay away from her. I mean a strong lean and it was obvious.

We are gong to the tanning booth more as a precaution than anything else. We have not gotten good sun for about a week. It has been to windy and cold for shorts.

We are eating pineapple in an attempt to get more hydrated. It is not the emergencies that we had to deal with last year and years before. We have a Camel Back and we just figured out we can keep it in the truck now as it will not freeze. We will also put jugs of water in there by and by.

Off to the tanning booth and then we will regroup. We are thinking of going to the movies and we know that is much about the salt on the popcorn and the sweet drink.

We went to the tanning both for 10 min. That was just right. We then went for a walk with our poles. Guessing about 2.5. We understand now what happened. We went to get morning sun at the track about 5 days ago and it was to much for us spiritually. We then did get sun the next morning and walked really hard for 2 miles. We then raked my mothers lawn for 7 hours straight. We did some easy walking on the RR tracks and at the track. We stopped getting morning sun due to the more intense exercise.

Hydration

April 22, 2014

We may have made a discovery about hydration. It is not credible as there could be other explanations. Yesterday we were playing with our Camel Back as we are thinking that it would be a good thing to bring when we walk with our poles. We have not used it in a while. We used to use it when on the meds just so we could be out in the sun at all. Note: when I say meds I do not mean PRN’s. I do not nor have ever used them.

We are not getting good sun energy. The reason is we are not getting our head right. The reason we are not getting our head right is if we do than the memories will come at a higher rate and out situation is not such that we can handle that. We are afraid if we step up the memory work than we will not be ready for next winter. It is a real risk.

Oh our discovery. We are not so dehydrated so that the skin will not snap back on the back of our hand. We do not know when that level of dehydration started. It has been months and we could not get hydrated with out the sun. Anyway it seems that water on an empty stomach is more hydrating than if there is food or a juice or soda in the stomach. Note most people are dehydrated and that includes the experts of the body at all levels. It does make sense as if there is no food in the stomach as there are no acids created for digestion. Pretty much if the stomach has nothing to do than it can absorb the water. Note: Do not Google drink water in the morning. The stupidity will scare you. Smile. What we are going to do is to drink water on an empty stomach. We have found that drinking water during exercise also seems to hydrate more. We have stopped drinking cold drinks with meals. We do not drink hot drinks at all. Cept Hot Coco now n again.

We are between sleeps and it is a morning of therapy. As far as I know right now it is going to be somewhat of a check in thing. We expect and effect as there is always one. We have things to show the gypsy dancer. We are working as hard as we can. We seem to know somewhat where we are going. We know there was something that we were going to work on other than the hydration. It actually may have been solved or more solved. We remember now. It was when we could only do what was planned. We did such good work that it got put on the back burner.

________________________

We have never had good luck with the writing letters and then not sending them or burning them. Might be it was a method of the cults in an attempt to erase the memory. A string around the finger to remember never to forget was also used. I was told to write down what happened and then the paper was put in a mason jar and buried. The trafficker then would go dig up the jar so that when suggested that I go get it than the jar was not there. They did the same thing with dead animals that had been killed. They see it as clever.

So we have had success with writing an email and not sending it. Best to not put an address on the email and “track” it by subject. We think about the e-mail over time and we edit it. It hangs around a while and then we do not want to communicate with the person. We come up with an answer if asked why we did not respond and then it gets to the point that we will just say something if asked. We can not know what we will say as it has not happened yet. I is a method that we will use. We are going to use method rather than the ole tool box rubbish. I is dismissive.

__________________________________

Platitudes when dealing with trauma and the mental health field in general platitudes rule the day.

These are phrases that should be banished.

 

One step forward one back.

When you are ready.

We all …..

That was then this is now.

Safe place.

Tool box.

Struggling right now.

A permanent solution to a temporary problem

___________________________

We are back from therapy and do not go back for two weeks. We slept for two and a half hours. We know hard work is going on. We are going with the days after therapy for the last three times have been getting better. Three sessions ago we were in a lot of pain. Pretty much that is all we have to go on.

We went to a place in our mind and it was on the top of a very tall tower. There were some of us on the other side of some rocks and there was one way way below us. I could see the one. He was in distress and some of us went to him. he then went under the mud and we could see his outline and then he was gone. I tried to get to him and there was no way to get off the tower. I only could have jumped and maybe that is what I should have done. It is said if you hit the ground when dreaming you die. That may be true with dreams we have done it often in where we go in our mind or outside it.

We think what is going on is some of us are doing less worse which allows some of us at times to do better and what needs to be done is those of us that are doing better due to the others work need to not take over. Right now that seems pretty clear. We will see how it holds up. 

We are more sun deprived from therapy.  The week ahead looks OK tonight and tomorrow not so much. We think if we go for a walk we will feel a little bit better. We think that is OK as we will get sun later in the week.

Right after we wrote that we understood we needed to lay down. We laid down for a bit and then we went for a casual walk. It was not much fun we do feel a bit better. We do not like to do things if they are not going to be positive as it gets in our head that is the way it will always be and we have to over come that.

Sun energy sort of works like liquefied gas energy. If your draw off to much of the gas than the pressure drops and it takes time for more gas to build up pressure.

If we can not get any sun tomorrow we are going to consider the tanning booth.

As far as I know other than eating we are caught up with out writing. It will be hard to be aware that tomorrow is a day after therapy. Unless tonight is horrible.

 

 

 

 

Brain is Healing–Graphic-Very

April 21, 2014

It is good our brain is healing. It is hard and we are not really able to keep up and it is in part as we are dehydrated, sun deprived and some of us are sleep deprived.

We were correct that when some of us are what we call resting others are actually sleeping. The thing is if any of us are not sleeping non of us really are.

So we went to rake leaves at my mothers. We get paid for it and we use the money to heal. We have to maintain contact as there are other financial considerations.

So we really did not want to go and did not want to get geared up to go. We went to the dine and had breakfast and just drew on the place mat with crayons. It was a little busy and we ate quick and got out of there. I am pretty sure we were able to sleep a bit. We go out wheelbarrow and rake and off we went. Knowing the earlier we got there the the less time we would have to deal with my mother. She is not a unpleasant woman just shallow. We did note that we were in much better physical shape than the most recent years past. We also noticed that drinking water was not happening.

This is weird I know but it is important. We knew that restaurant was going to be closed tomorrow a day ahead of time. The “knowing”  and not knowing is not normal. If you had asked us if they were open on Tues or what days they were open we could have answered correctly. That does not mean we know.

We resented raking the leaves as my mother uses it to keep me in my place. If she had not abused me or ever been honest about what she know others did to me than I would not be in this financial position. We to ourselves call it earning blood money.

She gave me flowers and made sure I knew they came from the grocery store. We had the idea of trowing them away. We have nothing against the flowers and they did nothing wrong. We kinda knew that is where we would end up.

________________________

 

 

My head hurts and that is just from our brain healing. We are able to work much more efficiently now we have more sun. It is harder in ways as it is “productive” it is easier t0 take.

She usually provides lunch. “Are you going to want lunch.” I tell her that is a odd way of asking a person if they want food.” It is a constant battle that I win and only win losing nothing.

We work very hard raking. We are fast and efficient and efficient means hard. We do a good job as it is our work.

My mother bought donuts and milk as the rest of my family likes them. I was hungry so I ate them and thanked her for them and told her to get me fruit next time if she though of it. Unless of course she wants to have the donuts and pretend she did not eat them. Again it is constant.

So at donuts lunch she asked me if I got her message. She had written and asked if I wanted to go to the Butterfly museum. I had asked her the day of the service for my fathers death if she wanted to go and to take images and we could send them to my children. The whole FOO and in-laws etc were there. She thought that was a wonderful idea. I  thought that maybe our relationship could change for the better. Out of the two she is less of an asshole than my mother. Feels good to acknowledge she is an asshole.

So she asked if we got the message. She did it from the kitchen.  She got a few shots in and I had to correct her. She said so you will not go with me and I said I will I do not want to. She was effected by  the rejection of me not wanting to go. I felt bad. After raking a while I understood she will tell someone about it. Likely my sister and somehow it will be that something is wrong with me and not her. So I no longer am upset. She will try and “get me” for it. There is not much else she can do that she is not already doing that would not be obvious to the world and she will protect her image. Actually it is about protecting what she wishes was true about her. Reality is she needs to think I am something I am not so she can pretend she is not something she wishes she were. I can be deceptive and manipulative it just does not feel good for me. We are being published in a couple of weeks and we could tell her that someone has asked us to write a book and I am thinking of writing “My MKULTA Mom. It would cause her much pain and it would give me power. Not a true power.

I have in my life told people you have fucked up and now I am going to mess with you. It takes a lot and I always warn often.

 

Our arms were cramping up and such as happens when you rake for hours non stop after not having raked. It go to be hard to do and some of us were confused. How is it that we are in better shape and we do not feel we can finish in one day and we always do? It is a multiple thing as some were not out to just push. We did notice that drinking water was not happening. My mother left and was not going to be back until after I was done. We laid down in the sun and too a rest. We have never done that in our life. If you are taken from a cage and tied to a stake in the sun after being out of the sun for months which is excruciating it takes a lot of work to just lay in the sun and get sun energy.

We have a new concept understanding of sun deprivation. Actually a new term. Sun deprivation relief. When sun deprived to a certain point and having going through the being sick there are reliefs and it is a rush and a high. As how bad it was was not connected due to the murders not being processed we liked the high. It was not that we planned on having it. We did look forward to it and right now are missing it. That is important.

We have put a old pair of sneakers in our car as sometimes we have loafers on and we should walk and then that window closes. Our solution and one we should be able to do is just always wear slip on shoes so we can walk when ever we want. It is different now saving the money as we know what last winter was like and if we had money we could have been in a not less pain as we could have gone to the sun. Well actually that might have made it worse with out the knowledge of how being dragged around by the sun effects us.

We have to go pay for our cell phone and we are going to go get our marbles at the studio. There is a woman there whose husband is dying that we like. We saw her last summer on the beach when we were going to go for a swim and she tried to tell us something. We wanted no part of it as we “knew” something was up. We are OK with what we did as we are not that close and we are OK with we protect ourselves differently now. It will be hard to see her if she is there.

It is important that we did not keep going when raking the leaves. We did get it done and we rested maybe 8 min. We had a phone appointment with someone we love and we put it off as we wanted the raking and our contact with our mother over.

We were tired from the raking leaves. It is weird to us that we wanted to rest and yet we were less tired. Usually after raking the lawn we go to a pool and then cramp up during the night.

Laughing causes cramps under out ribs. We are going with that is a good thing to be happening although not a good thing to happen.

So we have been going through a thing with my sister she sent a note card and sent a similar one last year. Petty much subversively trying to keep me as the scapegoat. I wrote a very nice e-mail explaining she was full of shit. Proved it in fact. She wrote back she does not agree with me. Translation. I do not want that to be true and therefore it is not. We wrote a few well reasoned replies and a few nasty clever nasty ones. The final draft is “Thank you for your respectful and well thought out response.” It is a joke as she sent be a thank you note that was thanking me for something she has nothing to do with. We are pretty sure the final draft is gong to be no reply and if we do see here and she asks we will say you can not rely to writing that has not substance.

_________________

It seems that because our phone is old they do not have the program to throttle our data. That might not be it as support says we have only used 250 Mg and we know we have used over a gig. That we are getting free data is a good thing. We just would like not to pay for insurance on the phone. We could do with the ambiguity.

We got our marbles and we did make three nice ones. We did get the sense that something was up at the studio. Has nothing to do with anything we did. The only thing that was weird is one of the instructors was holding an open studio and it would have made sense to ask me in a way. The instructor is wonderful and I would have no issue with her taking over a open studio that I was in the middle of running. So I would not have cared.

I did speak with the person whose husband is dying. She also seemed a tad off which is to be expected. Understand I am one of the few males that go to this art studio and that does make a difference. It is a woman’s world.

 

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

This is the graphic part. 

 

My brother was killed in a ceremony and it was about bringing him close to death and then having him die in the cage with me. They did that a lot and I have no idea what they thought would happen. I can see souls leave the body and that as far as I know in nothing special.

My brother was in the cage beside me and kept hanging on to life. Buster, Pages brother came down stairs and kept checking to see if he was alive. Most likely he was told he had to. He got sick of it and broke my brothers neck. In the morning the grand father came down and took my brother out of his cage and let me out. He took my brother holding my his neck and we walked into the wo0ds. He hung my brother in a tree to bleed him out. My brother was then taken to a place where much horror happened.  It was three brothers and their Ma. He took my brother and took all the bones out of his body other than his skull and then did what they called blackening. He was put in and oven and his skin was shrunk. There was a hole drilled in his head at the ceremony and he was hung by the hole in his head. The body was then kept in Pages closet.

The above for us is really filling in. We knew much about this and the details are coming to us now.

We went to sleep and it was a good sleep. We slept much of today. We now have to figure out what to do and the windows are closing just because of time.

This is what happened. We woke up and are kinda groggy. We kinda just headed towards the pool. We thought we would like a massage. This is weird in that it is never something we want to actually do. It would be nice and all it is just not part of what we do. We were going to the p0ol and before we went we were going to eat at a restaurant. We also went to the track to see the people we walk with to tell them we have found a new place.

We think what is happening is we are “stuck” in doing things that we had though of before. A kinda of we are still groggy from the sleep and the work we have done in the last couple of days which was monumental for us. We think that this is tied into the sun. We have a sense there is a danger and we are not aware of it and have always missed it before and then dealt with it later. We think we are in a position of doing something even if it is wrong. We do think we need to eat. We are going to put that off and finish our work from yesterday thinking it needs to be done and may lead us to some understanding.

So we finished the lawn at my mothers and had a very nice phone conversation with someone we love very much. We were tired after the conversation. We had got fuel and a diet coke. We are pretty sure we drove home. We then must have eaten. Likely crap or we would remember. We then went to the pool and we were out if it talking to the people at the front desk. We went swimming and seemed to know what our body needed and we did a lot of stretching. We did some immersions. We came home and we were to tired to write. We had a good sleep and then went to the diner and ate. While we ate we did the below coloring on the back of a menu.

We are in a place where we can not make decisions other than the options that were set up before. It is like we have a menu and we can choose. Original thought is not there for us unless challenged. Meaning if someone were here or to call us we could snap to dealing with that and do that well.

We were not sure that we were going to color at all. We knew some different ones were out and about. They were kinda ornery and maybe pissed off. The coloring was all spontaneous in a way although it was limited to straight lines and we knew that. Although we have written what happened after that we have no clue.

We must have slept. We did eat again. We went to pay our phone and then we went to the glass studio. We had an ice cream sundae for lunch. We did not remember we found the container in out truck.

We called our cell phone carrier and that was just something that could be picked from what was available. We collected data and we now can figure out what to do with our cell phone service

We went for a walk at the track. That was what we needed and swimming was not it. Pretty much we need the swimming in the pool when we are really beat up and that is why we used to need to go twice a day.

We understand how the swimming “activates” the reptilian brain. We also understand why the pole walking also does. If you watch a sprinter the arms from the shoulder to the elbow are angled way back and do not move. The arms move from the elbow down. The poles activate this and it changes the breathing.

The only being able to pick from what was set up before unless there is some kind of engagement is very important. When ever we crashed there would be something that needed to be done that did not really need to be done logically. I remember once we had to buy some copy paper. We did need the copy paper we did not need it to get to the hospital.

SAMSUNG

It is really important and right now it is what is going to be worked on in therapy. We might be ready to work on the hydration with expressive therapy. It might work just to drink water while in therapy. it might work just to have water there and not drink it. Therapy is in the morning. The diner will be closed.

That was a really really nice catch and may mean we do not have much energy for therapy in the morning. We do have to get food and such for therapy in the morning.

This is still much about sun deprivation and the effects of having lived in the cage for so long.

It is nice not to need to go to the pool. It did take a lot of time and was a hassle. We have a sense that our summer swimming will just naturally fit in once it is warm enough.

We know something about cold water swimming that is not known. Many people swim year round in bays and the ocean. In a lake the water temperature is not consistent until the water gets up to about 50 degrees. So what happens is you are swimming in water that has different temperatures and the body can not adjust and that is why you get hypothermia. It is like working on a refrigeration truck in the summer. That is a high risk situation for employees that do that work.

Where we swim the inconsistency is not consistent. Some days the layer that you swim in is all the same temperature. The wind seems to have a lot of effect on the water temperature which is confusing as you attribute the wind to causing the hypothermia. There is with us the association. We have swum and got hypothermia and so we resist going in the water. What we are going to do is wait until it is 50. The reason 50 is the magic number is water is most dense at 47 degrees.

We have used up our high speed data and so if we do not post for a while that is why. We think the PC with the faster processor will be fine. The phone sucks. We have an old phone which does not help. This one may go for a swim and it is insured so we may get a new one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sleep

April 20, 2014

We are feeling much better this morning. We expect it is about having more sun. Here is the thing. We worked out body physically very hard for us yesterday. Hard enough so it needs to heal to get stronger. We slept 9 hours.

We are pretty sure some of us are learning to sleep and they are not good at it. Right now we are more like a TV multiple.

It is pretty simple. We are starting to be fed, warm and not sun deprived rested to some degree  and some before can not be until we are not.

So what to do? There really is not much we can do today as things are scheduled. We see how we schedule some of us out.

We are not really afraid of some not being able to be out in the long term. That was always a huge problem. It was not so much that we did to our detriment rather it was the fear of that happening along with the fear of them being back and not knowing why it happened.

If you follow this blog you may remember that we went to a job site meeting right after therapy. That is part of it. Those that are out were the ones that went to that session.

We know where the ones that are out came from. They are from when we had food, water and sun. The first long time that happened was with Page. It was in what we call the socialization process. We were out of the cages and slept in Pages room. We had slept there before when we were close to death when the cellar flooded and my twin sister died. Then back to the cages with our my twin sister. Then I almost died again and that is when my brother was in the cage beside me. I was brought out by Vickie and taken around to some of the other cult houses on a kinda show off how smart I was. NO that was later and Page had been killed.

Page had a list of things that I had to be able to do before I went to the MKULTRA facility. A list made up by the behavioral scientists. Then at some point I went to the MKULTRA facility. That is enough brought into consciousness so we can process as we go along. It is all confused. We do not really care what happened and that means that there are horror memories that need to be all tied together. The all tied together has to do with some trauma.

It is hard as trauma is evaluated within the experience of a person. Anything outside of the cage when we were fed, warm, hydrated and had enough sun to our body was not trauma in the same way as a person who did not spend the years in a cage that we did.

The above is a nice little piece of work.

We were able to sleep. We went to the diner and ate fast and then went to rake leaves at my mother’s house. Sometime we remembered that at least once she came down the cellar stairs where we were in a cage. That kinda stunned us.

 

 

Processing the now/Distracation

April 19, 2014

One of the many stupid pieces of advice given when trying to heal is people including pros is you need to distract yourself. What this does is give you more to process at a time when your processing energy is at and ebb.

 

We came to this at the track. There were many people around and it occurred to us that maybe it was to much sensory information for us. It was really that we would have to do normal processing and that was a distraction. We went to a new place to walk and that was a lot to process. Does not matter that it was fun and we are excited about walking there it requires processing in the now.

Processing happens in sleep or does not. That is how normal memory is established. We set things up so as little processing as possible is needed. Always have. They way we do this is by place. House, office, job site,lake,running, garden, yard at house, beach at lake, church, parents house, vacation cabin, university, ski trail,in car, in truck. We also do it with people. This list is from when we decided to try psychotherapy in 1996.  We added the psychotherapy place and person to the list.

This understanding came to us as our new place to walk is where we used to ski in 1995. That and many many reasons.

There is an open house at the art center today that we need to decide if we want to go. It is both a place and people that we have spent a lot of time at. We would have to get ready to go and when we got back there would be much processing. The last year that we went there it was very sectioned. We went every tues night and played with glass and there typically was one person there. We would go the next day and pick up our glass.

One method that we use is to have everything all ready. We mix that up now by getting ready in sections. We have shaved to go to the art center. We will go eat and the take a shower. We will get what we need to shower ready before we shower etc.

This is our problem. Those of us out have no clue how we will get back to processing trauma. They have for the most part struggled and fought to stay out of the way and now are being told it is OK. As long as they are careful. OK that helps. When we go to the art center we will want to do all sorts of things and people will ask us to do all sorts of things. Some we know of and some we do not. In a way we will start acting like we are no longer sun deprived and start making commitments and then we sun deprived when the commitments come up. BINGO. We would have called it tired before.

The real risk is that we will “wake” up sometime in the future and have not processed.

Three years ago when we would go to colored pencil class we would sometimes go not having a clue as to what was going on. We would be told just get us there and it will be OK. We are being told that about what is going on now. OK being used loosely. Often as in most of the time we have to go with who has the best chance of success and there is no way to define success.

Those out need some sort of direction in which to be headed. A plan to deviate from. If they come up with the plan than it will not include the others.

We are adjusting to the fear of next winter.

OK we see the risk now. We know we need sun energy. We know we do not have enough sun energy to sleep. What may happen is it is going to be a sunny day. Those of us out will get sun energy. We will not sleep and some will be left away. That is the risk.

OK this is what often happens as in always it just depends on how bad it is. It is about coming out of the sun deprivation. At some point we will come out of the sun deprivation and others will be out that those that know not being sun deprived to the extent that we know it and there will be a crash. We can often handle the crash as we are not as sun deprived. Going through the crash can make it so we can not get out in the sun as we are to distraught.

The new walking place is not as sunny at all as the track. Those out pretty much made an error. Well an error in thinking we have not yet made the error. Now that we know the error it may not be one. We will work it out. It is amazing how much difference having sun energy makes. The art school’s open house is at 10. That is plenty of time to work lots of things out.

When we thought we were leaving the track as our place to walk we wanted to find our two friends there and tell them about the new place.  They may come to the new place which we would like. It may not be appropriate for my friend that walks in my snow drawings. I know he will miss me and I will miss him. That being said we wonder if some were telling us not to go to the new walking place as it is not best. It is going to be a bit of discovery and exploration for a bit.

We can work on the art open house and then go to breakfast. We will have lots of seeing people we have not in a while. We may be asked to do somethings we have not done. We will likely be asked if we want to do the teen art attack. We likely will be asked to do teach the Chinese exchange students. There may be some other projects that they want me to do. I may be asked to do open studio again and that we think would be a good thing. We will likely be asked to go to Maine and that we also think would be a good thing. We need to think about all of these things and see if we want to do them.

OK we went to breakfast and talked to the waitress about art and got excited about the open house today. She is an artist. We left and came home. We then left again to go walking at our new place. RR tracks. On the way there in our truck we were lead. We are used to that and it works fine when we can listen. We went to the track where we usually walk and went up on the bleachers to be in the sun. We then went on the soccer pitch and did a labyrinth. We thought we could see our tracks in the frost. We could not. We will be able to do them in the dew on the grass. We then went to the RR tracks and walked on the tracks nice and easy with our poles. We then went off that track onto a short trail and took off our shirt and got some sun. It is about 30 degrees out so not much sun. We then knew why we went to the other track. It was not about leaving one behind it was about not creating a new part. This understanding is new.

We walked an hour and 20 min and some of that was walking pretty hard. We went and got our second breakfast and went to the beach where we started open water swimming and used our rowing shell. There is no way physically we could use our rowing shell. We were confused and started to think about what we had done wrong. Was it lack or exercise, eating poorly etc. It was we are still sun deprived.

We do not have as much time as we felt we had and are actually up against it. This is important. We always would get geared up for going to something like the open house. We are excited about going. We know now it was much about what we really needed to do was sleep or at least rest. This is how it all happens. We have some sun and start to act like we are not sun deprived. We have been walking about 30 min a day since we started coming out of the sun deprivation dealing with the effect of that. 

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OK back from the open house. Lots and lots to write about. We made three marbles. Two might be ok. Made the worlds ugliest pendent. I could not make one that ugly is that was the goal.

Do not even know where to start.  Going with what are we going to do the rest of the day. No clue with that either. Not a distress thing. Maybe we just need to unwind from the open house. We tend to do that by doing things. It is what we know.

Maybe to back to when we left. That works. We went for our walk with our poles and it would have been best had we rested and I think we could have slept. Knowing this is new and our excuse for messing up. What would have happened in the recent past is we would have kept going missing the being tired as a way to get sun. Sooner or later we would have got enough sun so that we would sleep. Once we feel asleep in our kayak another time we fell asleep in a pool with our legs wrapped around the rail and our feet on the steps.

So we knew it was best that we slept. We had told someone we were going to go and we wanted to. It was much different going and we like this better. It is not where it should be at. There were not many people there. We did see some friends. There was a open house for creative writing after we said hi to the glass addicts we went to that.  We think we pissed the professor off. We did nothing wrong. We do not care what her problem was.  We did tell her we were going to be published in a few weeks and would have liked to discuss that. She started telling us what was what so we moved the conversation away.  For us we are much more OK with the piece being published now even if we are not happy with the others work. Our work stand alone. If we get no feed back on the piece when it is published that we will know it had no value to anyone but us. We are fine with that. We would not have rewritten it. We think it is good an that does not mean it is. That is for the readers to decide.

So we had a set back with our sleeping and kinda messed up with our sun as it relates to the sleeping. Before this would have been a disaster. We kinda like it as we understand it.  Often that makes a difference in the effect. We did eat junk and then we did go for a short walk in the sun. We have a job to do tomorrow and that is gong to be another set back. We will get sun but our head may not be right.

So we went to the art school and there was something going on with open studio. I thought that perhaps one of the other students was going to do an open studio and wanted me to go to it. I can not afford it and do not know if I want to. Come to find out they want me to run one and were not expressing that very well. Part of the problem is I deleted the account that I used to contact the school.

My carrier is messing up and somehow I am getting lots of free data. I am not going to correct them at this point.

We are not following things that well and we are OK with that.

We can tell there is a bit of just hang on until we get more sun. Thing is all that is really there is the hang in there. The sun aspect is missing.

We had fun in doing the glass work although we were not really all there. We were saving our sun energy. We tried weaving and really think that is not for us. Thing is there is no way to tell unless we do it.

We would like to do open studio. We want to make marbles. We are not really interested in anything else. We like making them and we like having them to trade. It is fun when they cost us next to nothing and we can trade them or give them away.

This is much better than last spring at this time and much better than the time before that. The reason is the hard work of others and that we are getting more sun. We are caught up with getting sun in that we have been out in the sun long enough that our body can get as much sun energy is as possible with all factors considered.

We actually think we are all caught up.

We have worked very very hard at living so we do not have to get up to the alarm. It is very hard to do and a lot of sacrifice. Problem is we can get up at a certain time by accident. We are going to bed early as in 7:00. We need to remember that is what we did. Just noticed this is a long post.