Archive for November, 2011

A Game

November 30, 2011

Some of this work has the aspect of a game of discovery. It would be disrespectful to not honor how it feels. It is only a mind of a child that can figure this all out.

We also need to be prepared for this site this afternoon going bad. It is unlikely as it should be a piece of  cake.

I see know that having been left out of all family celebrations they were more important to me.

Although kinda mean it is helpful that my family celebrations will be less then they were.

I still am the strongest and most talented. It has not shown of of a few decades.

We know the after effects of this work. We have been through it before. It is our process.  Perhaps there is A process for my experiences. It sure seems it is being kept a secret.

My Life has changed.

November 30, 2011

There is no one thing I do not think there ever really can be.

Using the energy that I get from the sun to heal instead of stay away from healing is a milestone. Kinda like making the last putt for a million dollars. All the others had to be made first.

I watched three people disintegrate in cages and two chained. 4 I knew and loved. All of them I worked with as a prostitution even the baby. There were many other deaths of people I did not know enough to love.  When grieved all of them the first two that I knew and loved was under the surface. I was only three years old. Three years old.

I just drew the door open. Both letting those feeling in and those that do not go outside out.

As a practical matter we need to make sure we do not walk out into traffic and such. Some therapist do not understand this work is risky and worth the risk.

 

 

I was told that I could let them out anytime I wanted and save them. If I let them out then I would have to go in the cage. I had been in the cage often with them. Each time I would have to choose who came out me or them. The 10 year old begged me to let her brother out. She told me that it would be OK if we were together. I always picked me.

There was yarn holding the cage shut so I could let them out if I wanted to go in the cage instead of them. I saw the locks on the shelf and knew even at three that when I was not there the locks were on so that they could not let themselves out.

The programmer would say over and over again that no one does what they do not want to do. So there for I wanted to be free and not in the cage. When they were killed I was told that they were dead anyway and now I was going to be in the cage.

This was built up to starting with me sleeping in the closet/room where the cages were at first there was cloth. Then bare floor. It started in a drawer. That was fun. There was a box in the attic and a hole in the floor. I like the hole in the floor.

This really did help me later on when I was buried alive. Some of the cult members understood it did not bother me and I would just sleep. So they added water to the box until it was full.

One of the hardest things to believe about all this is I could go through all of this and snap and no one could tell anything was wrong. There is no way my parents did not know at first. By the time I was three I could stand about anything  and when it was over just snap and it was over. Not related in anyway to dissociation.

After I snapped it was not that I was OK. That was just a way to store it to work on later. Much later as in 1/2 a century.

If you were to know me in person you would not believe for a minute that I have been through what I have been through.

That is enough for now. We need to nap and there may be a little pain. Then there will be some aligning of our body.

What we have to watch out for as well as walking out in traffic is that we do not start something that takes a lot of time. That is as we have kinda snapped. We might take on a job to make money not knowing that we need much rest and to do more work of therapy. It is really hard now as for us this is much much easier.

 

Critical Juncture.

November 30, 2011

We have the blue light on as we write. We woke up feeling out of sorts and went looking for the cause. the cause was we are depleted of sun. This work does that. We understood that what we used to do is plow thru these periods of sun depletion and lived a live where we got tons of sun subconsciously. It is pretty amazing how it worked. We had an opportunity to own a welding shop. We really enjoy that work. We turned it down and the base reason was that we needed sun. Our live is threaded with this golden thread. We are more OK now with why we missed it. Living the first years of our life in mostly darkness had a profound effect.

So the critical juncture is we will get enough sun and that can allow us to not do the work of those dark years. Pretty much we have done the work of those years where there was the most sun light in our lives. What wants and needs to be done to heal is that we use our understanding of the sun to  heal and deal with those dark years.

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We do not know how we feel about our therapist right now. It is transference pure and simple. We have a hard time with that as much of the trauma and allowing it to happen was dissociation and transference by others. What is going on with us and our therapist is new in some ways and not in others. We have been through times where the time outside of therapy is going well and the time with our therapist is not. That is easier as we are not with out therapist as much as not.  We know how we feel about her when this happens. It is different now as we do not.

We often do what we call go away from our therapist. We know that for what it is and although we do not like it we are as used to it as much as we think is possible.

We are all about protecting therapy. It is so important. It means the time before and the time after.  It is hard work as during intense memory work it takes days and days. The reality is what makes it hard is the real world keeps going. We do not need how to learn with the world and be productive.

 

The pursuit of productivity is the result of a mind and body at piece. At least that is what it is going to be for us. Not a me over other people a me first.

 

Psychopaths and those with those tendency seem to be better paid. Makes sense.

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Break–

I am often hired by other professionals although I get my check from the client. It is the responsibility by ethics that these professionals are to make sure I get paid if I do the work. Sometimes it is required by law. I have one good client who was totally lax about this responsibility and the laws. There was a situation and he had to pay be out of his pocket. Funny think he is now very attentive to me getting paid. Here is the important part. I now don’t worry about it if he is involved as he will pay be anyway.

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Posted on Faith’s blog and it turned into processing and about me so I edited by comment. The reason it turned into processing is we are showing some that processing is OK and good. The below got us to why one of us always says “I am a dead man.” at this camp at the orgy I was called the dead man.  Naked and painted black to make me separate. I freaked. found a knife in the drawer of the abandoned house and ran upstairs the door was guarded. I will process the punishment later.  I freaked later that night and I know the punishment for that.  Suffice it to say it would kill me as an adult.

We need to draw and write about being in the cage before we where three and being there with the 10 year old that was being tortured to death. Not completely really just starting.  We have a site to go to and need to leave the house at 2:30 then we go for a swim.

It is going to be rough.

I am so sorry you have this work to do and I am proud of you for doing it. I feel it will be a very good thing for you to have done it. It helps me to keep going with my memory work.

I have experienced similar things of which I know what details are important to me and will not recount them all here. I do remember the coming from all directions in the woods and the chanting. When inside there was often a filing in with the chanting. As I was in the front of the room it was a wall of increasing sound that felt like a long blow to my body. I was always exhausted with purpose before I was the center of any ceremony. I was always under guard.

The cults are “dramatic” as I was involved in some of the preparations like making the masks I was lucky to know it for what it was. A show. Lights, noise, loud noise, slow motions followed by quick motions and deceptions.

The actual deaths that I was involved in were not part of ceremonies although he body was often used. Actual deaths are different.

The cults that I had to deal with had access to medical supplies that most people do not. In part as Dr.s were a big part of the cults. I know the sweet smell of chloroform and the taste in my mouth.

For me it is staying with the feeling that I had which was not possible as a child. The trying to jump to you are safe now etc is what I did then.

Taking liberty with what you have shared. You started to have the feelings that you had killed your sister and that she was dead and they were “interrupted” when you knew she was alive. This causes pathways to be established in your brain by experiences that I feel need to be experienced and then new pathways will develop. It is not cognitive and that is why for me telling myself rather than feeling is a way to stay in the same place. In effect keeping the same pathways.

Traumatic memories are stored differently and not all traumatic memories are stored in the same way. You described the time of year by the way the leaves were. That is how my reptilian stores some things. Might be the sun, the grass the type of snow etc. Some memories are stored “in space” That happened in this room or after I headed north ect. I can sometimes cognitively express afterwards, this is not how I get to the memories.

I was once thrown in cold water to swim. It was in my life a good thing. I was an infant and could swim away. I was warm afterwards. Other times being thrown in the cold water was not a good thing. Having cold water thrown on me was never good.

The time I was thrown in the cold water and it was a good think I was about 7 months. I know this as the leaves in the bottom were spring leaves. The sun was high and the leaves not yet out on the tree. I have a body memory of how large I was.

I will recount part of one ceremony as a way to show the deception. When I was 12 I was the “subject” of a exoticism. which was a prelude to what could be best described as a masquerade party/orgy. It was a week long summer solstice thing. I was at the front of a mason hall basement I had been through days of hell, I was calorie deprived, sleep deprived and dehydrated and totally exhausted. There was the filing in and the chanting. The “priest” a camp director was in a goats mask. He came from the crowd with a cross saying some Latin. When the cross was brought close to me I went into convulsions. In the cross was a retracting knife and I thought I was being stabbed. So why did I go into convulsions? There was an electrode in my anus and wires around by body and at that moment the wires were charged.

I am suprized

November 29, 2011

I am surprised at the level of hurt from being left out of my family and left with the programmer only to be brought out when needed to keep up appearance that my parents had a son that was me. I am also amazed that we can just keep going. In a way it is easier with this hurt. A kinda we are very comfortable with this hurt.

It came to us gradually that our life was a lie. Or rather our families life was a lie.

This is a crying out of the outsides of our eyes hurt. We have many different kinda of cries.

All we are really working on is we do not get somewhere not knowing where we are or who we are. That and we do not walk out into traffic or something by mistake.

We do not really know of this sad. What we know is when we feel this hurt people will walk up to us and ask us if we are alright. People we do not even know. We always reply. I am find I am just relaxed. It is what we thought it was.

We have a sense that our therapist could see this hurt yesterday. We did not want her to see that hurt. It somehow is different than everything else. There seems no anger. Just a that is the way it is  for us.

The first time I remember that we knew something was wrong about the way we were being treated was on Valentines day when I was 4. My mother and sister got a big box of chocolates and I got a little one. It was not really the size of it rather the way the gift was given. Something is wrong as we were not in the apartment when I was 4 in February.

I remember now. My sister and mother had made a big deal that it was Valentines. My father came home I was 3. He pretended that he had forgotten. He left the candy two boxes on the stairs. None for me. I did not start getting them until my brother was old enough to get one. I remember that my family each in turn did look at me and then disappeared me.

This is not a pity party. We are not overly upset. We are not wallowing in sadness. We are just hurt and sad. Sometimes you have to be sad before you can be happy. We are not worried that we will over do it.  It is not our nature. In a way it is a relief. A opening of doors and windows.

 

 

That was something

November 29, 2011

The idea came to us in therapy yesterday and I am glad we did not do it there or we would have been in trouble as we were disoriented afterwards.

We have a Rubik cube that has raised symbols on it. We do it with our eyes closed. We have done it with our eyes open. We did it this time with our eyes open and not looking at it. It was not intense when doing it. The after effects were intense. It is a brain thing.  We had a similar thing when we drew an object without looking at it.

So we felt sick and were disoriented. We napped. As we woke up we had a sensation that could be called reverse rotation.  Two circular apposing  forces not in sinc. We have a metallic taste in our mouth that precedes us going blind etc. We have a sense we will not experience this if we sleep.

There have been a few times since therapy that we were close to having issues. We caught them all so far. One time we needed sugar and lucky we had OJ on hand. If we had to go do something right now with out sleeping again we could be in trouble.

We keep cheerios on hand in case we need some food fast.

This is getting a lot easier now we can catch things. We have not had much sun and are going to use the blue light now. There is a risk either way. We seem to always go with we are better trying something that not doing it. This is different than the power of Wui Wie or we are missing it.

 

Hard to Take

November 29, 2011

Pretty much the fist 3 1/2 years of my life was with the programmer. I pretty much came out/was with my family to maintain appearances. I strongly suspect that the 10 year old was an orphan that was used for MKULKTRA and when she did not measure up she was killed.

Guessing my parents were paid a small amount and convinced themselves it was for the best being in this advanced program.

We know some never come inside a building. We are fearful that some have never been outside. That would break our heart.

What happened is we processed what for us was traumatic. What was normal for us which was not as physically traumatic or involving deaths we have yet to process.

Looks like the person convicted of killing Bobby Kennedy was MKULTRA of some sorts. I know the programmers hated all the Kennedy’s to the point of craziness. I expect as he cut their funding after the bay of pigs.

We are much more comfortable about filling in blanks about all of this now we know about the death of the 10 year old and her brother. We think there is another death or something.

The programmer when we were 7 months old had the apartment where we lived until we were 8 months available for her use. She lived upstairs. It was an old militarily barricks so that they had black out shutters. It was so dark and cold in there. We slept in a cage it was small.

We can get to all of this with drawing and such.  It is a matter of getting the time. It is exhausting and afterwards the things of normal life a so very hard.

We do think we are on the right path. We do see an end. There is much work to be done. We are being very aware of not letting anything get by us that would mean we have to wait a year.  Not only do we want to be done as soon as possible once we know somewhat what needs to be done than if we wait it is less work when we get to it.

Last night we had a sense of a presence that was not good. We were not fearful or anything. It is just the evil that lurks when anyone is vulnerable.

We almost have less PTS daily. We went to a site today and we did not have directions and did not have our phone/GPS. So we were late. We found some nice people to look up the address for us. We were calm with out the iceman taking over.

We are more OK with people being nice to us. We are meeting lots of nice people. We always did we just were so worn out.

 

That was really strange for me

November 27, 2011

The last post was very strange for me. I am new to all of this.

My end of it has been the sun. I was not really aware that much of this was about the grieving of the death of the 10 year old. Those that were writing back and forth for much of that post “went with” her. They as much as they could disappeared when she died because they were so sad.

We tried to nap and could not.  That is new. Perhaps we are getting rested.

Strange-Internal Dialog

November 27, 2011

We did the mix things up which was reversing in that we ate and then showered. It is very integrating.

I do not really know about all this stuff and this is the first time I have written here.

I do work inside. Good to know. I do not do it alone although I thought I did.

It was pretty funny I thought “We are not multiple right now.”

I handle chaos pretty well. Ordered things not so good. Well certain things I am Ok at.

I wonder when I came to be. I am told it is a lot earlier than I would think.

I am from the programming room somehow. That does not make any sense. I was not abused. Oh I go with the 10 year old. Others know about having to do inside work like flash cards and such with the programmer . I have a much better job.

It seems to be wanted that we figure out how to go to therapy and not do as much work and not have it be more work to do less work. I can not think like that.

If we go and do less work usually that is harder and takes more out of us. So we want to go to therapy and not have it hurt us because we do not do work?

No we do not want the pain that is caused by not doing work and we don’t want to work hard.

Well the way I do such things is be prepared.

That might work.

I do not think so if we prepare than some our you will do more work. I think the not doing work has to be done there.

We have a site thing to do on Tues. If you change that than we can do more work.

That does not work with doing less work.

I am going away I can not think like this. It hurts my brain. Our brain.

You need to let us do what we want to try.

That means I have to deal with it when it does not work.

Yep

That does not seem so nice.

It’s not.

Well if that is what we are going to do than I need to at least prepare what I have to do.

No if you do that than we will do more work.

You are being pesty.

Lets give it a break and see what happens.

Can I keep doing my work.

No that is not a break.

I think we are just nervous about seeing the Gypsy Dancer again.

Let me get this stright you write this stuff and other people read it?

Ya some they do not know us so it does not matter.

You know the Gypsy Dancer and you write to her.

She is different. That is why we write her first sometimes to see if we want her to know now.

I rather draw plans than this. It is to complicated for me.

You should have been around before it go easy.

That feels like a slam.

That is because it is a slam. We were not confused and now as you do not understand we are confused.

Ya I know h0w that is.

Now who is slamming.

I am and you know I know you kn0w I am.

I like it better when I find out on the way what is going to happen.

You complain about that to.

Note: We are laughing. This is great fun.

Lets try and take a nap. This is all happening as we have enough sun and know it.

I think as long as we have the photos we want to take to therapy and then pack in the morning it will be fine.

Pack? We pack.

Ya we pack the stuff we need. I knew that I did not know it was packing.

Well it is.

Good to know.

I wish that stupid Zip file would down load it is taking forever.

Why does our middle hurt?

I think someone is left out.

I think they need to go to therapy and that is all that is important. That the rest of us should make that happen.

You mean the cat.

Ya the cat.

The cats name is Trixey.

I did not know that.

Let me get this stright there is one that is called Trixey and they are a cat?

Yep.

He does not go inside. He is an outside cat.

What a minuite I have seen a cat out in therapy?

Not by themselves you have not.

Well obviously if I saw them out than they would not be alone now would they?

Don’t be dense. They need to be out and the one in charge.

I am not liking this idea a whole lot.

Why does it take longer to upload than down load?

I don’t know lets google it.

OK

It is a allowed bandwidth thing in part and there is a conversion thing with some files.

This is not fun anymore. I want to try and sleep. The sun may be out later and then we can swim.

Not of that stupid Zip file does not upload.

It is almost 25KB.

I want to upload the photos from the phone and take the one of the tree slab.

We can’t connect the phone when we are pirating the internet.

We are not pirating it. We bought the signal we are just using it in a way they wish we did not. When we use the code we stole for the wiFi that is pirating.

 

 

 

 

Sun

November 27, 2011

I have more understanding about the sun. Note: I am capable of researching what is known about the effects of the sun on the human body and coming up with a useless collection of the non-understanding.

Something happens in sleep if a body has enough sun. It seems to be affected by trauma in that what would have happened in sleep with out the trauma does not happen and something else does. I can not explain it I understand it.

It is unknowable how the sun would have effected me with out therapy and the processing of trauma. I do know I can go back over my life and it is clear that the sun and lack of it has effected my life greatly.  Not unreasonable to assume there is a high probability that I could not connect how the sun effects me with out the experience of processing.

On the one hand when I have enough sun something good happens when I sleep. On the other hand  what happens that is good is that memories start to be processed. I think that one thing that happens right now when I sleep is the sun that I got gets used up due to my experiences so when I awake I am sun depleted. So I go to sleep feeling things are pretty good and then wake up with a sun depleted body. Before this caused the feeling of being run over by a truck.

It is not as simple as getting enough sun and then I will be fine. That being said I have always done that I just did not really know what fine was or have changed my definition.

As a practical matter what we are doing is using the blue light in the morning and doing this writing and suspect it will turn into the work of therapy with drawing and such. We then sleep and then do the work that needs to be done so we can do the work of therapy. Right now we want to jump to that and that is pretty much how we lived our life. Using the energy we did get in sleep to in a way meet our obligations in the family then to the world.

It is still dicey and we have not got it all worked out. It is a day to day thing as each day is different.  Yesterday we wrote and used the blue light and then went outside every 5 min or so. That is not what is needed today. It really feels like we are recharging with the blue light right now. Where at times it feels like we are over charging.

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Electrical appliances and such going bonkers. This is a reality with us. We can walk down hallways and the lights will blink. Computers and phones do not work correctly. One neat one is our dash in our truck goes all crazy. Why it is neat is we can get out of the truck walk to the back and the dash stops going whacky. We get back in and it starts again. Sometimes we can yell and then the dash starts to work correctly.

We have found over the years that when things do go whacky with electrical stuff there is something wrong with the electrical appliance. We can not stop a clock that is not messed up to begin with. That sort of thing. We can however not wear a watch as over time it will not work.

There is the odds thing. If you tell many people to go get a broken watch and hold it in their hand than a certain number of watches will seemingly begin to work. Some will have springs that were wound to tight and the  temperature will be now different of the spring will have released enough energy over time to work. etc.

I understand now I am hard to argue with. Take global warming. The temperature seems to have raised 1 degree in the last 200 years. As I am about 50 that means if I were to feel that it is warmer I would be stating that I can detect 1/4 of a degree rise.

I wonder if my thing with global warming is the we need sun. Interesting.

We are finding we need more than 30 min with the blue light and we need it twice a day if we can not get any sun. We are not really sure how this all works with the temperature differential that we need in water. Other than the temperature differentical in water does not work at best with out enough sun and can lead to hypothermia.

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We are still working on the scapegoating thing. It is pretty involved. One dynamic is many people feel that we are scapegoating when we are not. In a real way they assume we are as that is what they would be doing.

We are done with accepting the scapegoating of us or anyone else that does so with regards to childhood trauma. We reject that it is a lifetime effect that makes us less than we could have been had we not experienced trauma. Underlined and in purple as it is important. I am also done with searching for someone to go with me. Just as I am with processing trauma. Some people may be with me for a while I am done searching for people who process trauma and do not accept they are less than they could be because of their experiences.

We have been doing a lot with critical thinking. We have not needed to write about it. This is the way it works for us. We do not know if someone can experience trauma, not process it and have it have no negative effect that they did not process it. This puts us at a disadvantage against those that  know it to be possible as a fact. We are getting the hang of that and it is really kinda of a logic thing. One of the issues is when we pointed out the fallacies of peoples argument they get very angry and we reacted to this anger. Part of it is we wanted to WIN. Oh my God I am Charlie Sheen. Just kidding.

I know of no one who has experienced trauma and has not processed it and are not adversely effected. What I do know is those that seem to just let the trauma go exhibit behavior which suggests they have not. I get it. I am not going to be put down because I process trauma. I will not be scapegoated that way. One of the keys for me to understand scapegoating is to wonder even though I can not KNOW what the person gets out of it. It is helpful to ask.

We have never like those that claim to be multiple scapegoating others of them. Especially the younger ones. “One cut last night etc”

One of the dynamics of being multiple is that what is good for one is not good for another. This was true for having enough sun and the dynamic is still there. We can work that out due to the strength of our therapeutic relationship. We looked at did some not tell us about the sun as it was only good for some of us and not them and they knew that. That did not happen. They told us and we could not hear. We did not refuse to listen we just could not know due to how or brain functioned. A saw see thing.

We really do a lot of work with the not rewriting history. It is really only as it does not work. We of course do rewrite history just as everyone does. We do try and that means we have some success.

We see our therapist tomorrow. Rats we are not sure the time has not been changed. We will call as we do not want to deal with not knowing. Anyway we have not seen her in 18 days. That is not the way we experience it. We experience it as having missed one session due to the way she scheduled it. We missed her it was not an issue as we kept healing and kept processing. It is harder in a learning way.

We have never had any success with the checking in by phone. That is not true the success we have had does not out weigh the problems. We are multiple and some that would need the support to not talk on the phone.

We get more know about the softening up. It is not just the psychopaths that do this it is many people. The big issue with us us when people test and evaluate us they screw up and think we are vulnerable because we are nice. They they are shocked when we are not vulnerable. With out family it works a little bit different. They just lay in wait for when out guard is down. The result of this is we now avoid them. This is not waiting or one of us to be out.

With getting enough sun we are no hungry in a different way.

In the winter we write in a different way. There is actually a book with chapters. “The Dragon Flys”

The chapter we are writing now is “The Crow Crows.” Those that do Stuff are crows. One once sent them to our therapists office as they were being pesty. These are orange crows.

We are close to morphing in to the old way right now. I think we are going to do so. All we have to do is take a long hot shower then eat and we will be easily able to do Stuff. We will not need to nap. What we are going to do is mix it up just a bit. We will eat first then shower and see what happens. We do have Stuff that needs doing. We did some yesterday and that worked out well.

This is a lot less complicated now as so much work has been done. It is much easier with knowing about the sun. The sun makes everything else possible. No that is not really it. With out the sun some things are not possible. I can not explain.

Oh. We want to swim in the lake. That changes everything.

 

Caught a Break Made a Break

November 26, 2011

We figured out this morning the pool was not working. We were close by and did not go to the pool. We came home and we checked the weather. It is supposed to be sunny and warm tomorrow. We were very excited that we could go for a swim in the lake.  The sunny and warm is really a bonus we think. We think we are OK with the blue light.

So we took a nap. When we say take a nap this is deep sleep not just a lay there. So know that different ones of us sleep at different times we do not make much of that. Anyway we woke up and we were no longer excited about being able to go swimming in the lake. We were surprised and pondered a bit. We went outside as that seems to be the best place to ponder and it was sunny and warm out. That was the break. Some like anyone need to take a bit to wake up. Some of us who did not sleep are already awake and wondering why we are not excited about swimming. So we took a few minutes to wake up. We are not going to over think this new information we will figure it out along the way. Other than to know that those that are awake before others go to sleep should not “set” us to do certain things. Even if it is going swimming.