Archive for May, 2013

SO

May 31, 2013

This is more like “conventional” DID in some ways. We need to work our way back to where we all can be. Those of us out now take off. It was what they did and do. One of the issues is they do thing that got started thing is they do them the way they do them and it leaves others away. They are not mean or uncaring it is just what they do.

In a real way those that are out benefit from the hard work of others and an not really aware of how it works. They think they did it themselves and they did not. It is not that they are unaware it it they are not the others. The others are more aware of what the ones that are out do.

We have no idea what to do right now or how to do it. The only thing we know is that we need to get back to where the others can be. We are handicapped by the fact we have to work for money. It is a matter of time.

The way the ones that are out right now work is they just keep on keeping on. Their idea would be to get the plotter up and running with out the others. Thing is once they get in that mode they just go to the next thing.

We had a concept before the computer died. It was “90 days” The concept was to just keep on keeping on until September 1st with the goal to be in as good shape as we could be to deal with the winter. This was not at the exclusion of doing the work of therapy. It is right now. In a real way many worked very hard to get a hole in time so they could do their work and the way it is working out is the time has been used to deal with the computer and now will be used to do the work for money.

What happens is finishing setting up the computer is in our mind and that we have to work for money is in our mind. We are capable of going to Zumba and just getting it over with so we can get back to what “needs” to be done. It is and always has been we will get back to you. It is a saw see thing in that it is the same with the others.

I think they way back is to review the best we can what happened in the last week.

It was messed up in many many ways. One was someone we loved was visiting. It is not we did not want to see them or not that we did not have a wonderful time it was just a lot of pressure. It was very very different for us.

The person we love has many many people they want to see when they are here. That is a wonderful thing. They are under pressure also.

So we went to therapy on thur.

We understand now that writing by hand is best in real good situation for healing. Meaning not much else needs to be done. We really at this point can not see that happening if we are living at home. There is just to much involved. We need to get our of here and go to a place where there is less going on to write by hand. At least for now.

Therapy was therapy lite with everything that is going on. We know what some need to do and we are aware their are many more of us out that have not had much of a chance to do their work. It is not like before in that it might be years before they have any chance of doing their work.

The 90 days sept 1st thing is not just that might work. it is kinda the summer thing between school years. Understand we do not have a anywhere near normal school schedule. We were in the MKUKULTA school beside the school, off to MKULTRA facilities, a prostitute and taken out of school by the cults who worked for MKULTRA.

The summers were sometimes more normal although we do not know when that started. Some of the summers were places we do not know about.

So we went to therapy and it was somewhat protected. That was Thur afternoon. We know we went to Zumba on Friday and it was fun.

We somewhere along the way understood we have been in pain our whole life. We did not know that not everyone else was not. We learned to life with this pain in a way only a multiple can. We do not dissociate. We are finding that what we need to do is stay with the pain. We expect that we did not know about the pain until it started to go away. It goes away when we stay with the pain and do not do the oh I am at the ocean look at the wonderful clouds bullshit. I am writing about visualization not actually going.

The pain get to the point where it is not healing which is what happened yesterday with the 10 hours of setting up the PC.

So we had this PC issue. That is not something a lot of us deal with. We had to deal with the not knowing. It could have been as simple as a virus. The way those of us that are out deal with such things is to just solve it. We worked it out this time with the dishes method. We did very well with keeping on with the PC issue hanging over out head. Part of it is expense and part of it is our drafting and part of it is we bootleg our internet off our phone which is not allowed by the phone carrier and we have to do a work around with them.

So we found out that our PC was dead. We have not bought a computer in a few years. So we had no idea what was needed to be known. That our OS was not going to be supported was new to us. We did not want to spend a lot of time and money now and then do it all again next April. It was all very complicate. Note we set up our PC the way most people would need to in about an hour and that was easy. One slick thing we do is to print the screen of the start up menu which we alter and the processes. That way we can tell when any programs are added that we do not want. Very important once XP is not supported. Those things take time and we have to use our memory in a way that is hard as we use it so intensively with the work of trauma.

Somewhere along the line we lost our number ability. We understand now that is much about synthesia. Cognitive pathways and sensory pathways developing differently due to all the trauma including sensory deprivation chambers even as a baby. The big one is pain. Doing math can cause us pain. What we need to do is stay with that pain. It is not over once we do that. There is an aftermath. We are leaning how to know when we are crating these new pathways and to slow it down so the pain is not that great and that makes the aftermath easier. It is much about not doing what everyone is taught. Zumba is a good example. We could have learned all the moves by now and everyone would have thought that was wonderful. It would not be. We do expect to become very good a zumba. We need to do it the way that is best for this body.

We got unlucky with Zumba not happening due to memorial day. We knew it was coming w just not have had the time to figure out what to do when we do not have Zumba. It is not like swimming where it was often a good thing and never a bad thing. So far Zumba has always been a good thing. Part of it is what we learned about getting our head right when swimming.

In a interesting one we no longer have the desire to buy another kayak. That was all about not being able to go with two people as one of our kayaks is a dog. We are learning to use it and it is fine. It is not really a dog it is just not made for flat open water. it is made for a river going down stream and it is great at that. We may be able now to get quicker to what is really wanted.

So we leave for Zumba in an hour. We think we figured out why sometimes we are late. We do not really want to be there early enough to chat. It is not about talking for us.

To be clear it was no unlucky that we could not go to Zumba. It was not even unlucky that our PC died. We got a lot of use out of that PC.

One thing we understand now about our senses is that it is not when things are unknown that we have an issue. That does not start our senses working differently. It is when something is changed and it messes with our memory. We have a more correct visual memory than most people do. We notice any change. You know those images where two images are the same and there are only small changes. We cut it out and look at one and then tell the changes in the other. That is actually easier for us than if they are both on the same page.

We have known for a while that we will hold the our wrist as a way to keep some from taking off. It might be the right holds the left or the other way. It is about emotion of the two brains.

We have noticed the same thing happens with our legs now and may have always. Our left foot is behind our right as we type. Our left was off the floor until we noticed and now it is hiding.

We want to go to Zumba and then come home and sleep. We want not to hang out in the parking lot. We want to have food ready to eat when we come back. There is resistance to getting ready for all of this and we think it is about some will take over.

A word on the senses being messed up if things are different visually and we think it is a matter of degrees. People sit in the same chair in a class and we all go to our place in Zumba. Well if someone moves it upsets people. That in particular does not mess us up.

OK we are getting back now.

One thing that worked is the next project is thing. We are so good at breaking things down into separate parts as a method it is crazy. This next project thing is in fact the opposite for us.

So the next project is to go to Zumba. The way it works is we let all of us get involved as much as we can.

Back to the last week. We had huge issues with being dull. We were not excited about anything. That has been going on for a while. That being said once we got the PC and it was in our truck we knew we did very well and that was exciting. Although dull feeling we really liked having picked up our room and how we did it. It is nice to have it cleaned. We kinda learned from our family that the only thing that counted was the result.

So we are stating to think about getting ready for Zumba. We have a feeling of being tired. That is because some of us are and if we are not careful they will be left away. Why Zumba has always been good is they have not been left away.

Part of the issue is depending on which one of us gets ready to do it is a different timing. Those that do the timing thing are on strike. Smile. We are already to go to Zumba. We often forget our hat or don’t bring in our mat for for the mat work. We know how not to do that and be ok with it happening. We just want it to be all of us.

We had a lot of money in our wallet as that is what we do when solving problem like the PC. It works best and is one reason we only have $160 in solving the problem. So we put some away and it was a nice feeling to know what we pulled of and how much effort it took. We did good with that and it is a good feeling.

Part of the reason the plotter is so important other than we need it is that plotters are a nightmare and we had very very bad experiences with them in the past. There are many reasons. One is it is pretty much the last thing of a project to print and as it was expected not to go well it was always there. We have thought about it and the plotter we have now is pretty much almost like a printer and so we can not expect the same issues.

It is going to be hot at Zumba. We are just going to deal and not worry about it. We will just listen to the people complain.

There is not a cloud in the sky. Here is the thing. We still need to work at getting sun. There are so many trees around our house the sun does not get to us even if we are in the yard. We are also kinda in a bowl as far as the land form goes so that keeps the sun away from the trees.

So a friend is going to the ocean and we are invited. We think we may go for it. We are back from Zumba and we are going to the ocean. Just read the e-mail again they think they are going to the ocean. We are going anyway. I as in me want to go now. Just throw our gear in and go. Get a cheap hotel and wing it. Been a long time since we have done that.

I am kinda afraid to ask the others as I do not want to hear a no. i am aware we are not sleeping after Zumba as planned.

Fuck it I am gong and will check with the others on the way. I will justify it later.

Back

May 30, 2013

We had quite a time with the PC. The hard drive failed. It happened on sat and due to memorial day I did not know until wed what was going on with the PC. I had to call all my clients and tell them I was down.

There were huge software issues and the fact that XP is not gong to be supported after next April. There were lots of hard decisions and lots if research we need to do. None of us are geeks. We can hold our own and do lots of things to save money. As in the PC that I am using cost $155.00 and that included the tech finding out my hard drive had two huge bad sectors.

We had to do a total switch. We did the best we could and took a nap. They all went away and we watched them in our thought dreams. That was 10 hours ago. We just worked in the PC straight. We still have our large format plotter to configure and we have a corrupt zip file that has all the files we want on it. We can go from here is we need to. I can use the plotter at the local print shop as I set it up for the guy.

So all we are doing now is coming down and we will see what happens when we get up. Good thing is we have Zumba and we did not have therapy this week.

It has been quite a week since last therapy that is for sure. If we were not funded better than we have ben in the past we would have crashed. We may still we will not know until later.

OK

May 26, 2013

We did stop the dishes method with picking up or room. We are going with the concept that or brain and body sends different signals that it would had we not had the experiences that we have.

Although it is gone I can give a clear example. Sometimes when people touched me and I was not aware they were going to it hurt. I mean just a casual hand on the arm. My body would feel this as pain. This was the signal that my body gave. The person who touched me not only thought something was wrong with me they blamed me and thought I chose to have this pain. I expect the body and brain have a purpose for this. A early warning signal gone awry or something. At best it would be seen as psychological. It is not it is synesthesia. I wonder if autism, ADHD and a host of other DX are really synesthesia the world including those that study see what they can observe and can only see those people as experiencing something they experience. They see it as simply what they experience only the person experiences it more than they do or to a greater degree. This is common and why you will hear well everyone is multiple to a degree.

So we laid down and knew the pain was coming. We knew it was not going to be that bad and there was a want to just ignore it. We have learned and part of it was learned at the dentist that if you feel the pain when it is happening than it is better than having to feel it later. We call it staying with the pain.

A person who is observed in pain and the cause is not known will always be seen as being in emotional pain or defective.

So we put on our compression gear and that helps with staying with the pain. We are aware of not only how strange that sound we are aware of how strange we look dressed in them. They happen to be black as compression gear is either black or white. It does not seem to matter to us as they are not normal clothing. A black sweater we would not wear etc.

One of the problems is the history of a child. Meaning what is thought to be true. The person does not remember their own very early history in what is know as memory. Unless there is a known cause of early distress including in the womb that the parent can absolve themselves of responsibility than the parent will not acknowledge it. Every baby has a perfect babyhood according to the world. Even the person has that thought. If the child was unwanted or the mother was worried about looking fat, or the child was attempted to be aborted or the mother was dealing with withdraw from second hand smoke or drinking tons of caffeine it is not going to be known. Even if some distress is known during pregnancy it will not be seen as effecting the persons body.

The baby in the womb develops for the environment it is coming into. It is a natural process. It is on the reptilian brain level. Humans are different in that they have predigested food which can be a simple as cooking. This is very good for the upper brain. Not so good for the reptilian brains.

So we stayed with the pain and there is no issue with the space change that happened when we cleaned off our desk. We decided not to go swimming. One thing we have learned is that we may change our mind as we wake up. We are very good at doing what we set our mind to in many ways. Thing is with this work there is not much known to set our mind to. In fact that is how we left many away.

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Last night was the first time we dared check in with the menagerie in person. That started when we went to Ecuador and left them with out therapist. The menagerie is for the most part about what is going on now. Other than a general idea they do not deal much with the future. That is what they do. So if they are mad at being left away and we ignore them than they will not be mad later. It is a general thing.

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WE are going to have to watch how much sun we have. Say last night we had pushed and totally picked up our room with the washing the dishes method than we would be in trouble right now. Our body has adjusted as it just knows there is not going to be much sun.

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So we are in what we have been calling the dead zone. We have not solved this yet. We are more comfortable with it. Right now there is a want to go to the pool. There is also kinda a thing where until 9:00 we do what we want. This is all well and good and is what should happen. Thing is getting stuff done for and hour a day is not going to work. This is the issue. I am told I am wrong that it does work. It is a matter of perspective. It is not that it is just working for some they are not that connected with what makes it possible anymore than those of us that make it possible are connected with the work. In a real way we are all recipients of the others efforts.

The plan is to eat and go for a swim. Then come home and sleep. There is not picking up our room planned. Well it is kinda planned. Meaning that if the time happens to come when we can do it with the dishes method it will get done.

We are going to eat on the way to swimming. We are starting to miss the sun. There is not going to be any today and there is no tanning booth open. We get that we are going to the pool as a substitute for the vitamin D. We are going to be messed up because of the no sun. There is nothing for it. Pretty much the dead zone can be erased with enough sun. Simple as that.

It is pretty funny we see right now it as being a lack of vitamin D. Can’t get any sun so that is the fall back.

We do not want to lose the time driving to go swimming. Worse as we have to drive there tonight.

OK we spent 15 min under our reptilian light. It is enough for us to give us a little jump start. Yes we were naked. The more skin the more vitamin D.

So we have written. We are going to try and sleep. We do not think we will be able to. We think what has happened is some that used to sleep in the morning Now can sleep with others. If there was a pool in town we would go swimming. We are thinking of getting some Zumba DVD’s We think that is about there is not Zumba on Monday so for us that means 5 days with no Zumba.

We are going to try and clean off our bureau using the dishes method. It is known that once we get our room picked up it is going to be about doing work for money. It would be very hard to do that in this mess.

There is an idea floating that we could do one job for Sun Money. That means money that is earned specifically for getting sun this winter. It is a job we can do very very fast and get paid right when we are done. Don’t know if that can happen.

Although this is very very frustrating we do feel like we are making progress. Shelby was a very very important part of out life. It is all very very complicated. We do have a sense we are in a race to get done before we are totally sun deprived. That may just be because that is the way it has always been.

We do think our body is changing as far as how much sun energy we need. No way in the world would the reptilian lamp have this effect last year. We know we tried. We do not know how much of it is real change and how much of it is just we are doing things differently and that makes other things possible.

We do have a dinner that we have to go to at 6:00 we can swim before we go or maybe afterwards.

We are not going to spend the money on the Zumba DVDs It will not be an issue until July 4th July 4th is a Thur so it may not be an issue for the rest of the summer. Not worth the time or money to buy one now. Who knows where we will be at by then. We have an opportunity to go to Zumba gold or aquatic zumba on tues. We might do that. We will see.

If we can get even part of our room picked up using the dishes method under these circumstances with out it just costing us later it will be an accomplishment. The key is not costing us later. Just getting it done we can do.

We are aware that this will be the first time we have done the dishes method in the morning.

One thing that is hard about picking up is that one of us might put something somewhere and others of us could not find it when it was needed. Think someone else coming into your house and putting stuff away. We had out clay tools out and were going to take them to therapy about a year ago. Before we could not know that and might put them somewhere and those that wanted to do that would be left away. They might be out and they might remember or they might not. What they did was leave them out so they would remember. There memory key was moved by someone else. It is not unlike before when we would pick up and find things we knew nothing about. We grew having that be normal. It is not normal. it is not like someone who goes through there closet and finds things they have forgotten about. You can not forget that which you never had a memory of.

We do need to figure out how we want to handle this dinner. It is really a matter of dumbing up and protection. We can minimize the time we have to be there. Go late and then for a swim seems best. We in a way hate wasting swims on such things.

When we are picking up we learned as we needed to that we put things away where we would look. Remembering was just not possible. This is one of those things that our method is superior as far as getting things done. We can go kayking in under 10 min. From when we get to the water. We can leave right now. That part of it is superior. It is the angst that we want not to have.

Just a note that keeps coming up. We do not nor have we ever watched television. This is one of the main reasons that we know as much as we do and can get as much done as we can. We only watch television when someone else want to and fortunately that has not been an issue for years. ?We do not think that makes us any better than anyone else. We just think it is part of who we are.

We are in the middle of picking up our bureau it is getting easier every time we do it. In this moment it feels like this is what we need to do though out the whole house. There is a fear that it will never get done and it will be an endless thing. There is also the fear that we will lose our ability to go likity-split. It seemed fun at the time. It might just be that was the best we knew. It did have the advantage of no one being able to keep up. We wonder if it was not a go as fast as we could and others payed the price.

Logically lets try that. It does sometimes apply. Smile. We see ourselves as before getting much more done in every hour, every day etc. That is true. We did not do the work of therapy. So does that matter now? We are surly getting more done now than we ever have while doing the work of therapy that is healing. We have issues with setting low standards.

The next project is to pick up around our bureau. That will not take that long. Small area.

There is “something” we have gifts from Ecuador to mail and we have been putting it off. It seems we are putting it off until our room is picked up. It seems it is a taking care of our stuff first even though not under duress. Under duress being a relative thing.

I figured out the monitor being at an angle. It needs to be when we have the AC in the window and it just stayed that way.

We were not waiting until our room was picked up it was that we were unpacked from Ecuador.

Our last trip we wanted to come home more rested than we left. The next trip we want to be ready to leave with out rushing and we want to have things ready to come back to. We know both of these are never going to be pure.

So we want to take a few min and make sure we are wanting to clean the area around our bureau. Actually that is to small an area. We are going to pick up a area that we are going to draw.

Know so especially those who have a system with a boss/executive and are all about control would see this as some of us teaching others. Typically the older ones teaching the younger ones. That is not what is going on by a long shot. It would be more the younger ones teaching the older ones. What is really happening is we are exploring and discovering there is not design work going on with this part of it other than how this fits into the design.

So we are going to take a few min to make sure we are on the right track. Note: It is very very helpful that it is only 9:35 and in the recent past was not possible to get this much done this early with our some of us taking over. In a way we have eliminated the dead time at least for this part of this morning. That is a big deal for us.

OK we have decided we need to eat before we can decide of what we want to do is pick up the area we have drawn.

So it is wanted that we have a scabbana sandwich. That is peanut putter and banana we have not peanut butter. So we are going to go get some. Here is the thing. We have an inclination to do other things along the way. That is not what is needed right now. It is possible that after we eat we will want to take a nap.

If you frame this as healing or recovery from hard work than it makes more sense.

So we have eaten. We came across something and that is the feeling it is not worth the effort. It right now feels internal in that it is not worth the effort of some to do what they want as they have to deal with others of us. We have this type of thing from time to time and once we get to the core of it non of us are the bad guy. Thing is once we know it has to change.

So we are not going to rest and we may or may not sleep. Although the next project is the area we have drawn that does not mean that is what we are going to get up and do.

It is important to know that we are not tired at all. OK we have tried to nap. It did not happen. Judging on the last few days we will nap in the afternoon. We have set the alarm so we do not have to worry about sleeping when we have to go to dinner.

We are not saying that the napping in the morning is over with. We are going to call it rest now and we may fall asleep. It is still possible we are sleeping and I do not know it. We have a since that if we exercised in the morning and did Pilates that we would sleep. We can not yet put that together. We think it may be about the Wed when we do normal Pilates which we like. We think that gives us different energy and not the energy to heal. Or it gets misplaces. We are going to need to eat again today before we go to dinner. We are pretty sure the swimming in the pool would not have caused us to be able to sleep. The lake is a different story. We are sure it has something to do with having enough sun. We did nap under the reptilian light and with all the other work we have done it seems to have an effect. We would not go to the tanning booth even if it was open.

The drinking water as we exercise had changed our hydration. We still have work to do on that it is better.

So we are going to take a break and then unless we know it is not best we are going to pick up the area we have drawn.

I guess we took a break. We are going to pick up the area we have drawn now.

OK we morphed back into the way we usually do things. It is not as much what we do it is that we do not listen to the others. We go faster that way. I am not sure at the end of the day we get more done.

OK we are done the section of the room that we drew. It went so so. Part of it is the dinner we are going to in a few hours. We are going to write about that in a private post just because it is current. We are going to my mother. The mother’s that tried to abort me and my brother and my brother was born deformed and brain damaged because of it. The mother that hid and hides everything. We have to keep contact as there are financial considerations and my daughters love their Nanna. I am good with that and understand it.

Ok we worked that out as much as we can. The plan is to be ready to go and leave her at 5:30 and stay no later than 7:30. A few min after we eat would be best. I can say to my daughter I will see you tomorrow and take off. I can add salt before I leave. It is just a way to make it easier for me.

We do not want to make it unpleasant for my daughter. I really could care less if I ever saw any of my FOO again. There would be no death bed reconciliation. I really have nothing to be sorry for. I always wondered until my father died and that has been a couple of years.

The only thing I am sorry about is I did not figure this all out sooner and just never saw them. Catching up with them is easy. It is the same thing over and over.

So back to what will make us happier and give us a chance to heal.

Next project is not yet defined other than it is about our room. It is funny how having to deal with my family just sucks the energy our of us.

It is wanted that we do the paper work first. We have stuff laying around and we have just piled it in this area as we have been picking up. Usually we do all the paper work. It is wanted that we just do what is in this room. It is funny there is not reward this time. other than having it picked up.

One thing that happens is one of us will get an idea that would be what we usually do and the trick is to ask is that part of this.

Those that are doing the work of therapy are very good as many things the rest of us are not. They as we all did lived a different life. As we integrate we lose nothing and gain much.

Back to the paper work.

OK we are in the middle of paper work. We can really see how we made it work before. We like this better as far as the experience goes. It was better is some ways before as we had more excitement and fun.

So we may not make it as far as having the room picked up. That causes a switch or more of a moving of some that are around out to where they take over. We do not want to do that. We also have not had time to see if we can sleep. In the middle of this there is no way. Actually I do not know that we have never tried. So we will now.

We were not able to sleep. We did rest and we can feel our brain changing. We did for lack of better words break the we need to speed up or we are not gong to finish. We were going to shower and change our clothes. We are not going to bother we rather get the paper work at least more done.

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Ok we are done with picking up our room. We do not have to leave for 1 1/2 hours. We normally would have just started the next project or tried to fit some things in. It is hard not to even now. The reason we do not want to do that is it interferes with our brain healing.

This is a break through that has been a long time coming. It would not be possible with out the sun. If we did not have the reptilian light it would not have worked.

We have a method now. It has been designed and now we can modify the design and adjust it to what is going on. There is still much to be understood about it. It is so much better than before. We have not set the next project of this type. We are not going to be able to get back to it for a while. We now have to switch and do work for money. That we have done much work on and we have a rough shod method for doing that. For a long time our method was to take one job with someone we knew and just do that one job for how ever long it took. Right in this moment we do not even know what jobs we have to do. We know of two and we are pretty sure there is a third. That will come when we switch.

So what to do between now and when we leave. This is another dead time.

We could go for a swim. We really want the time afterwards to put this supper behind us.

So we are in dead time. It could have been prevented had we had the next project set up. That is not in this design.

We have work that can be done with our rowing shell. We put a tarp on it and did not think about the tarp would fill with water and then leak. That seems like a good project if it wants doing. We do not want to jump to fast. We will leave that a what we can do if we want to. We are going to lay down and see what is what.

Well that was something. We laid down and the pain came. I had no idea that was going to happen. I have a strong sense that others did and have experienced it before and that is why we don’t do it.

We took a shower and we feel pretty good right now. I have looked and is the pain from stress and it is not. It is not from not processing trauma. The only think that makes sense is the synthesia. Either that or I am crazy. It is going to suck big time if we are wrong about going through this pain in hopes that it goes away.

We are back from the supper. It was typical and not that bad just a waste. Here is something new. It does always hurt to hear about how everyone is doing well. Buying houses etc. It is not at bad. I am still the cool one. Here is the thing and it is hard to take. I knew for the first time the pain I was in today. They did not have to go through that today or everyday. I could not know until it was not that bad and I had a chance of it going away. If it does not go away I am going to kill myself I do not want to live in the physical pain any longer.

Confused

May 25, 2013

We got up this morning and went for a swim. We knew we left at 5:15 and wanted to know how long we really spend when we go swimming. There seemed to be resistance to us knowing. A kinda if we knew we would stop. If we do our full work out it takes about 4 hours including driving. We did about every thing we have ever done other than the bone dance. It was like we were saying good-bye and trying to savor every min. We came home and tried to sleep. We are pretty sure we did not sleep. We did rest for about an hour.

We want a nose clip so we can do certain things underwater. We also want a special swim cap so our hair does not burn off in the pool. We are thinking of ordering swim fins and web gloves to make the swimming more about building strength. As a rule we are not about gear and before we would have tried new swim strokes. We think it is wanted that the swimming be like the Zumba. The only issue is are we falling back into the leaving some away? It might just be we now know about the sun.

_____________________

We are as sure as we can be that we have more to deal with from our senses than other people. It seems to be working itself out.

We exist in clutter. We think the reason is that is better or was better for out senses. Natural forms do not bother us. We do notice different forms. Say a tree is hit by lightning. We will see that as that tree is not normal form. It does not bother us. On the other hand a man made duck blind just assaults our senses. It is weird as if you take away all natural forms like in a city than we are Ok with it.

We have a sense that we are speeding up and that keeps some away.

We really are at a loss as to what to do. It really feels like what we do is mutually exclusive. It is like if we have enough sun than some can not be.

We think it is somewhat about time. Those of the summer have has sun in minor amounts through out the work of therapy and it really started when we were about 40 and started to be more in the office.

It was all fine when we could come home and sleep. It seems somehow we have lost that. Could be we do not need it but we did clunk yesterday.

Next project is to pick up our room. We are going to try that with the dishes method. It really feels like we are not doing any of us any good with all this dead time. It might just be that we pushed to hard that one time and that is why we need the clunk. This is a hard way to be that is for sure and it does not feel like we are getting any where.

—————–

I think we understand now and about the webbed swim gloves and the fins. With out more exercise and having sun we will not sleep. Yesterday was a aberration with everything that went on. We think we are Ok with what is going on. It is frustrating. Every positive change is met with caution which makes sense. So we are going to try and take a nap and the next project is to pick up our room using the dishes method.

Amazing—————————–

Least to us. We wrote here than clunked/slept for three hours. That is twice now we have not written then written then clunked in the afternoon. As far as I know nothing like this has ever happened before. We have clunked often I wonder if it is always from something like writing. There is nothing in this writing that is major. We are not particularly holding off memories. We have things that we think might be true we do not search maybes like that very often. It just makes it all harder. I am not being dismissive of the work we have done in that there is no reason that we should be tired.

We have often not known we were tired. When we used to write our therapist we would write that we are gong to try and nap even though we were not tired then slept. What is new is we tried to sleep and could not and then writing just for a bit we slept.

We did I think write here that some wanted to show us something and we did not write. Maybe that is what they are showing us.

We do not like the using tools to cope with the effects of trauma. We know many people who follow this thinking for years and years with seemingly not positive effect. The term just grates on us as it is used by those that never heal and are experts listening to experts who are listening to experts and none of them ever have any association with healing.

I do not think it is anything special about the writing. I think if we had worked on our rug we would have clunked. Actually if we had picked up our room like we thought than we probably would have clunked.

OK that makes sense. Ok it is making a little more sense now. Way back when we first decided to try psychoanalysis and ran into a well meaning very bright very qualified therapist who did want to help and was just a very good therapist and not a gifted one we learned that the “tools” of self soothing etc we rubbish. We thought they were just rubbish for me then for trauma now we know them to just be rubbish. The classic was going for a walk. We went for a walk and we would get more wound up. Our body does that as it was in a different environment. So what is going on is with the Zumba we are activating that part of our brain.

So for a while we used the method of just going to sleep after no matter what we did. That was an outgrowth of learning to come home from therapy and sleep. We did it for a while and it was hard for us to do. It seemed that Sometimes we would get it and other times we would not.

What must be going on is we have activated another part of us that was developed when we had enough sun and most likely when we were at what we are calling the commune.

Part of it is adjusting to going to therapy in the afternoon.

It seems that is the critical flaw in this design right now. The design of how to heal from what we are healing from. All of us healed after the trauma and we did a good job of it. The reality is there was never long periods of time to heal before the next trauma including murders. We got used to that in that it was out live and what we had to deal with. It did not stop until we were 13. We had no reason to know that it had stopped and many reasons to expect it would not.

So not much is working right now. That is the nature of all design. It is hard as the goal is ambiguous “to heal” it is hard as it is on the fly. Design work is not usually done that way. There is an end.

___________________

Time for an analysis. What is working? Therapy is just barley effective and that shows no sign of changing until we have a hole in time. Having enough sun is working very very well. So much so that we are enjoying this rainy day when most people are whining. The sun is still the key. The Zumba seems to be working although we are changing that and it could be that we are changing it to something that is not working as well.

What we were doing is just going to Zumba. We would show up and then leave. Then sleep. That has changed in that we now go three times a week as we moved therapy. We are adding what to do on the week-ends when we do not have Zumba. We are morphing to doing the exercise ourselves. That is not as far off as I thought.

The swimming is working. It is working well other than how long we are driving to get there. We also have been on a huge huge streak. We have been alone much of the time and even when we have not been alone it worked out in that we were alone when it counted. Our stretching is pretty weird. Hanging off the edge of the pool upside down etc.

Both Zumba and swimming at least the last few times have not been “activating” sleep in the way that the swimming always has and the Zumba did at first.

We are pretty clear that the sleeping is as important as the sun it is that sleep does not happen with out the sun.

We have a sense that some are doing very well holding off the memories and waiting. We think that might be causing what we are calling dead time.

We know we are not having enough fun and we are Ok with that as we are processing the death of someone we loved very very much.

It is hard to honor those that are not processing as it feels like great you are not processing so you can not be and we are going off and have fun. Kinda what we always did and want to change.

So what has worked and makes us tired is the doing things dishes style. Writing here is part of that. That is interesting. If we do pick up our room and write here than we will be tired.

Being tired and sleeping is not part of not processing. If we sleep we process. That makes sense. The danger that if we pick up our room we will just create another set of alters seems to be gone. I am not sure the fear of that is gone.

Part of the issue is the summer is the time we usually have some sort of life and it is best we do not do that right now.

Being fair to us we are working very very hard and getting a lot of things done. It is very much a total reorganization never mind the work of therapy.

We have a huge huge thing with jut going for it. We lived do something even if it is wrong. It inadvertently left a lot of us away.

I think it is fair to say this is the most positive change that we have been though since we started therapy 15 years ago and we are nervous about it. It makes sense it does seem the things that we have left to process are positive. Meaning there was someone we loved involved.

So we are going to start picking up our room. It will be different as we do not have to leave to type. Just thought of that. We are going to start with our dresser. No we need to let others do it their way.

OK we did the cleaning our room with the dishes method. It was intense. We got a lot of what goes on. The method is know you are multiple and pick a task and just do what ever as much as possible. We have a sense it must be done alone or maybe with a therapist with which you have a very strong relationship and they understand they do not nor will ever understand.

So we got our desk cleaned off and that was enough for now. We downloaded a boot leg copy of Zumba. The way those things work is like this. The idea came to us and there is not risk so it is best to just do it. No memory needed. Get it? anyway we infected our computer and had to deal with that. We also are changing all of our space. Before some would not know where they were as it had changed. We for some reason had our monitor at an angle. We have changed that. Before that might have been a bad thing.

So now we need to make a decision. Unlike the laundry we can just stop now. There was some pain involved in this work and we can feel there is at least a little more coming. The pain is one reason we do not do this.

We do not really understand why the pain happens. Nor does anyone else. We somehow know when it is healing pain and when it is not. We think it is synesthesia. Not the simplistic understanding the when the body and brain send signals and it does not work the same as when a person has not experienced extreme trauma.

We are going to stop now. We do not have to. We are just going to try stopping and feeling the pain which hopefully will build more pathways.

_______________

Someone I love and I are going to have fun Mon. We are going to kayak from VT to NH and eat. Here is the gig. We are going to put in right below the border and paddle a little ways to a restaurant that is built on top of the river bank and hangs out over the water. I am going to call and see if they will lower our lunch to us in the water. Been a while since I tried to pull something like that off. The person I love will be fine if it turns into a debacle. Seems everyone I love is like that. Go figure.

Something is going on

May 24, 2013

Something is going on and we want to figure it out.

Things have changed a lot due to having enough sun. We have also changed a whole lot of things. We have stopped swimming the way we used to, we have started the exercise classes, we have move therapy to the afternoon. Work is going better than it has in years past. We are better funded that we have been for years at this time of year. We have discovered

So all that was going on and we started doing a task they way others wanted and then sleeping. The last one we did was the laundry. We ended up staying up to past midnight doing the laundry. That did not go the way others wanted, just happened. So then we had quite a day on thur which included therapy, which was not protected, and we did not even come home. We knew that we had told some that they were not going to be able to sleep as our schedule was not going to allow it.

So we came home and slept and as far as I know slept well. We got up this morning and did not want to write her. Some did and we went with those that did not. We have a strong sense that there are 22 deaths and we have some idea of all of them. We have a weird ability sometimes. We might know how many people are in a room with out counting and such. We are used to it and so far see not need to do any work on it.

So we just did a few things and then headed to Zumba. We seem to be moving to exploring and discover and design. We had the idea and it seemed to go over well that on Mon Wed and Fri we would just get up and do what ever then go to Zumba the come home and sleep. Kinda on those three days a time for us and not much else. It is a total change from how we lived our life or at least most of it. We always worked then if there was any time do things for us.

So we did a few things and got ready for Zumba with out really worrying about it. We came home and tried to sleep right off. We noticed we were for the most part pain free and that was sweet. I was going to write that we did not sleep and that is a first. I am not sure some did not sleep and they may have slept by themselves. I just remember the being pain free part.

The only thing we are worried about is some did not get to sleep and therefore they can not be out and about. About the only thing that ties us together right now is our therapist and I have no idea what happened last time we were there. I know our therapist has no concerns because I asked.

Another weird thing is we did not have to decide not to go swimming. It was just not an issue.

As far as I know nothing is wrong with the way things are going. Thing is if I am wrong than I am big time wrong.

Swimming in the pool tonight is likely to be a pain as it is a holiday and the hotel will be busy. That means if we are going to go we want to go now. I do no think we need to go today. Tomorrow morning early seems to be the way to go.

So as far as I know there is nothing wrong with what is going on.

The next project is to pick up our room with the dishes method. Today looks like a good day to do that. We have a sense that some have rested and they could not before. They clunked with means just dropped hopefully in a bed.

That is all I got.

We have a thing with our little fingers. We do not really know what it is all about. We have no idea what it is about. We do know we do not use them to type with other than the shift key and such. We worked out our own method long ago. We here is the thing. We used a ball to do mat work this morning. We really liked it and we could tell something good was going on with our little fingers. We use three pound weights in the exercise class. We have been thinking of going to four pounds. We thought we would try them and if our form was bullshit than we would continue. Her is the thing we have the idea that for us a round weight ball would be much more better than using the dumb bells. We have some things that we are almost sure would work. The things is they are time sensitive in that if we do not do them than they will not be needed later. This is different than the if we do not do things in the window of opportunity than they may not happen for years. If we do not to weighted balls than we may find a different way or it may just work out now we know about the little finger things.

So the weighted balls are a go if the price is not to much. Thing is we do not know what weight to get. That sucks as we could buy a set and not use it very long.

It is hard to explain all that is happening with the exercise we are doing. Harder still as it is somewhat unconventional as far as I know. It is done to the beat of music but the music is varied. The first part of the exercise class is conventional in that it is modern with lightweights used 3 pounds. She then does a sitting part with is pretty much the same as when standing. She then does mat work, which is kinda like fast palates.

She has routines and they are not the same each day. She mixes it up very well and she keeps track of what we did one day so it is not the same to two days. I then do Zumba Gold on Wed which is pretty much straight zumba. I thing mix in swimming etc including on some days when I do Zumba. It depends.

We do expect to morph into doing our exercise on our own. Cheaper and more flexible. Right now the Zumba works with the work of therapy it will translate into when we do the work on our own. We do thing we are buying into having a routine. We used to when younger do many different things for exercise which we want to get back to.

Over all we are getting much better information about what others think is needed and when things can be done. It is complicated on all levels.

It is not that therapy has become not our focus. It never really was other than the focus is on healing. The changes are just over all what we think is the best way to heal for this summer and will lead us into this winter.

We would be dishonest if we did not say we are not happy that this summer is going to be all about healing.

As far as I know we are caught up. I am going to lay down and check in.

So after having tried to sleep and not being able to we tried again after writing her. We clunked. We just fell right to sleep. There is not way of knowing not by me or anyone else. I know more than anyone else. If we had cleaned our room there would have been a whole new set of personalities created for now. That is how we learned to do it.

Personalities are formed not during the trauma rather after the trauma or during breaks in the trauma. It is physically impossible to create a personality as a multiple when the trauma is happen. About as impossible as healing.

So we know Wendy told us she was going to run away. We were very very sad and hurt. She had been severely beaten it is not outside the possibility that she told us that as she knew she was going to be killed. When I say severely beaten I mean all her teeth had been knocked out. This was also done to mamma’s son. The superintendent of schools had a psychopath that he controlled.

That is enough for now. That is enough for today.

OK

May 23, 2013

Time for a major regroup and review.

The laundry is done. We did not do so well with just doing it on the one hand on the other we started that way and it kinda carried on through. We seem to have a thing where we thing ‘We already did that” Meaning if we tried something we do not have to do it again.

If was by far the most “productive” day we have had with out that much repercussion. We have had days where we got more done there was always a pay back later.

We are a tad dehydrated and need to pay attention to that. We are a bit tired and a bit sore from all the processing.

We did wear our compression clothing and we have no idea if that helped with the being sore. It is not like we can compare. We have a sense it did. Enough so that we will use it again. It is not the same as the first few times we wore them.

So we seriously need a swim. It is not really pain prevention it is more get tired prevention. We need to get food.

We do not feel sun deprived at all. We expect we are and do not know it. If not we will be quickly. The doing laundry, dentist and Zumba does not use the sun energy in the same way so we do not feel it in the same way. We as a cautionary measure are going to the tanning booth. There are really two options for today. Just do things or continue with the work. It does feel a little bit like good job now go away so we can do what we want to do. We really have to figure out what is best.

The way we communicate with each other is not describable. It is like mental telepathy between many people. It is not measurable anymore than mental telepathy is measurable. That does not mean it does not exist. OK we think we have the question that is always helpful. The question is do some get to sleep today and the answer is no. What happened is by turning the laundry into a task and doing it until 1:00 in the morning caused a switch.

We worked a long time with creating a hole in time and that is what we need to do again. We can not design a hole in time better. We still should not have to. We should if the world had a clue be able to sleep. We can not.

We can not design a better hole in time rather we can design a hole in time better. The goal will be to get to the next hole in time as soon as possible. It is not really and option to be more rested for the next hole in time. That would require more resting. Go figure. There are two things we can do the most important one is to not start projects that need follow up. The second is to create a situation where the work done in the hole in time is easier. The problem with the last one is the same things that make the hole in time easier also make it easier not to do the work. What happens is some of us think we are done. We are multiple.

We can not even protect therapy. Sometimes we need to do things that on the surface do not make sense. Like and extra hours drive so we can go swimming. Actually we can do a work around there. What is going on right now is some are trying to find a way to do a lot of work in therapy. That can not happen and those of us that are gong to be out after therapy can be hurt if that happens. We can not be out of it this afternoon.

The way it is working right now is if we rest there is more work of therapy and what needs to be done does not. We really have taken this hole in time as far as we can. The best we can do is what I will call a cap stone and that is to just do the best we can. Catch up our therapist as best we can which really serves to just solidify what is going on.

We have done thing type of thing before when we know we can not do the work. We have some tag along. We can not let them do things or make choices. They can be there and look around and such. Who knows we might see a hawk or something.

We have decided to leave here at 11:30 that will give us an hour clear in the pool. I am told that is not Ok as then some will sleep in therapy and that will be to intense. We will not know who or where we are and will need days to recover. That would be best.

We are just going to wing this. Best we can do. Get somethings done.

___________

We went out and about and got many things done. We came to know we were sun deprived. Our body knows what is going on with the weather in what may be a weird way or we may just be aware of it. It the barometric pressure drops our body knows it and figures no sun and adapts. It is beyond it is cloudy thing. On reason we write here is we would have forgotten to go to the tanning booth. We are tired and are going to rest for a hour. One reason we are tired is we had 6 hours sleep.

Got cat stuff and kitty litter, we did some grocery shopping, we went and got our glass work and talk to some people there, we showed out glass work to some people at the Rite Aid. We went to a hardware store and got some things that we need to make knobs for glass work. We went to the bank. It helps for us to write when we are this messed up as it does not really seem real. It is kinda like it happened to someone else.

So we leave for therapy in 45 min. We are going for a swim afterwards. We are guessing that is best. We may change or mind after we sleep. We may come home and sleep.

It is really working for us this one a day writing. It is better if we can do it by hand. That is just not possible. We write through out the day and just save the drafts.

As we write what we wrote before come to us. We know we need a hole in time etc.

Actually we know little as everything could change when we nap.

Each time things get easier we are dumbfounded by how hard they were before and we mean always.

_____________________________

Ok back from movies and we had a good time. We went to therapy and then for a swim. As far as I know this was the least work we have ever done in therapy. Time will tell I do not always know.

We do not have therapy next week. Before this was always met with thank good by some. This was different those that would have just welcomed the forced break were very serious about getting prepared for when we do start therapy again. It may be the goal that they needed to see.

We have zumba in the morning. We need to remember to pack our shoes as we wore them today. We had a new feeling and it was that we thought we were sad and what we were was tired.

We are going to sleep.

Self determination

May 23, 2013

Some of us never have experienced it. They never had the choice. We have a memory of that when we were small. We could walk. There was a bright colored object in the grass outside the fence. We had been told not to go out the gate. We had not been told not to crawl under it. We do not really need to talk amongst ourselves. It is a kinda mental telepathy thing as close as I can describe. So one went under the fence to see what the bright object was. The plan was to go and bring it back. Well it was a music box and we did not come back with it. We were fascinated and we sat in the grass playing with it. We got yelled at that would not look good if we got run over. Bad parents and all.

We had processed that long ago. Just not all of it. We at the commune somehow left the area. Might have just wandered off after a death. We do not know yet that part of it has not been brought into our consciousnesses. We are pretty sure we were locked on a shed as punishment or we may have been taken as shown the woman who was being tortured to death to let us know what would happen.

There is always much made of how abusers threaten. It is always seen as a perceived threat. The reason it is seen that way is so other people can think they are safe, their children are safe an it is my fault I was not. Just the way most people deal. The whole safe thing has been a pain in the ass. I am safer than most people at all times. I do not even see what most people see as danger as it is not real danger. I get scared only when there is a danger. As an example driving in the snow is not a danger unless you do not know how to do it.

So we did not sleep well last night. The reason is the was switching or it could be called a cog slipped. We are now working on when we were in 7th grade. The main reason is we have enough sun and have had enough sun.

We have lots to do with the work form money, we have a schedule with the Zumba, we have sun, we have enough money to eat. So there is a switch. The one that are out now are flat out belligerent. They are not the cocky of the ones that are from the 8th grade.

It is not that many of us have not been out at all. It is that when we have been we have not had enough sun and have been pummeled by the work of therapy and did not know why.

We are getting the hang of the dead time. Well we are starting to understand it. Some need time available and that does not happen if we set our mind to do thing. For some if our mind is not set to do things than in a way they do not really happen. It is a matter of degree. Say we go grocery shopping. it might be if you asked us we would know we went, might be we know enough to check to see if we have, we might go twice as we did not know we had gone or it might be that ya that happened but it was not real and therefore no real point in doing it.

We have Zumba this morning in two hours then we come home and get ready to go to the dentist. We want to remember to eat three Advil. It used to be best to do that before even a cleaning. We will get out of Zumba at 10:30 and we have the dentist at 12:00

We think we are OK with getting our head right for Zumba. We do want to watch when we leave. It is not about getting this done it is about getting it done in the way that is best for now.

The dentist will be fine as we are good at such thing. We do want to watch the controlling if the office. It is full of women and they are just different. It was better when they first started. It is like I called yesterday and they had an appointment the next day today. They want to frame it as that is good for me to get it over with. Bullshit they are keeping the billing going and I am filling in so they can. Pisses me off when people need to try and turn in what is good for them and that is the focus as it is good for me. It does not really matter for me. The only part that is good about getting it over is I do not have to deal with how they schedule which is what is good for them. To be clear this dentist give out her cell phone and has seen me at 8:00 at night. Again it was to fix an error by her assistant and I was in pain. Still some dentists do not do that.

Those that are out are more impulsive. They would eat a couple of oxy cotin and have a beer afterwards. Then again they would do that to go on a airplane a it is boring.

Eating is going to be an issue today for sure.

It is going to be a rough day and how we handle it is very important. It could be a summer killer. We have to be careful and aware and know it is going to be hard and it is not at all normal.

Just one thing we forgot. We set it up so that the next end of the year picnic was at the state park my parents had be run. I busted my butt to make it happen and to have it be a great experience for everyone. My goal was to avoid having people killed. I as a child would though I had control and therefore it was my fault. It was not about me not getting abused. In my world that was not the focus.

We want to go to the bank and eat now. We are getting the hang of that we do not like to rush like we used to. To be cleat we went fast there is a difference and not many people can go fast. They just rush.

If we leave now there will be little time to do much else. We lived needing those few min her and there as for some of us it was all they had.

So we are as set as we can be with things. Before we just used to go flat out and then collapse. One thing that we need to work in is people expect us to be up at all times as that is what they are used to. We also dread the question is something wrong. We just do not like to lie and we can not explain. So as we can not explain people feel free to fill in. That is a huge problem to live with.

It is amazing we are at risk of being late for Zumba. That is Ok it is about some learning that they get to effect things and not just react. NO they can do things other than effect by reacting.

OK we are seeing things differently. Zumba is going to be interesting. I mean our eyes are working differently as we have enough sun. We can see four leaf clovers as an example with out enough sun we see like most people see. Our artists eye does not work with out enough sun. This is why we like the glass and why we have been having issues as of late. The light from the flame which is intense makes it so we can see in a way most people do not. May be no one does. When we do not have enough sun than we see the marbles just like everyone else. It is complicated as people can see that our marbles are beautiful they can not see in a way to make a beautiful marble. The thing is they think they can and they think I can tell them. I can not.

So we need not to go to Zumba but to go to dance. It will be a help in that this is real zumba gold and not aerobics with music. I hope we do the feed the fire cool the fire dance. We also are very very logical. That makes it hard to deal with the world.

So we went to Zumba it was great. We remembered we did not want to talk. We parked in the happy place. We ended up doing the same thing. We talked to someone for 20 min. To be clear this is good conversation. The woman that we talked to told us this morning she enjoyed the conversation. I just did not know we did that and do not understand it at all. I so not even know much about what was talked about. They knew authors and books I know nothing about. We had a call from a client and that was short and sweet and I knew what was going on.

I do not know why they do that and as far as I know we get nothing out of it other than a break from reality. It seems to be about transitions. We talk so we do not have to go to the next thing if it is unknown. Here is the thing. It is just luck we are going to make it to the dentist. Very much like when we missed glass open studio. We are glad we like open studio or we would be afraid that we were avoiding.

Now we need to regroup and get ready to go to the dentist. We are likely going to remember to take the Advil. This is weird for us. We are not in distress right now and it does not seem that we are doing anything that is messing any of us up. We are helping only in getting things done.

So we are going to the dentist and for us it is a just do the procedure and leave. Simple. Only issue is the controlling staff. Part of it is they want to be nice. I think many people do not have people that treat them nice. We do. So we really want to try and come home and sleep. That is very much at risk. We will need a eating plan or it will not happen we will come home and be hungry and when we lay down we will either go eat or go to sleep and we may wake up not knowing who or where we are which we can handle it will just be energy spent. We like that “energy spent” rather than energy wasted.

There is a part of Zumba where we do free style. I went and sat down and tapped my foot. Hey I know how to free style my own way. It was funny. The instructor said “Michael what are you doing?” I said Free style.

We are back from the dentist. That went very well. It is a matter of we put up or shield and people treat us different. There is one woman there who just is a controlling person. She can not tell me how to get to the correct room with out being a jerk.

We ate and now are going to take a nap. It was a close thing.

There was a large thunderstorm here last night. Kitty does not like them. He is sleeping in a ball in the same place all day. He had the right idea.

So we have slept a good nap. Not a wondrous one.

It is hard as when we write about multiplicity not only is it different for all of us it has changed since we started writing. Lots has changed. Thing is that is not new that is what our whole life has been. It is really all about the trauma. We process the trauma and change can happen in a way it could not happen before.

We have been writing much about the sun. We are fortunate to have had three years in Fla and most of the time we had lots of sun. We did work in a cubicle for a while as a project manager. We did not always have enough sun. So it is lot like if we had enough sun we would have healed. It was much easier to be us in Fla. We can not know what would have happened if we had figured out the sun. It is possible that we could not accept the sun energy before we processed the trauma. We do know we did not love the sun on our bodies until we had processed. In Fla it was just there. It does not really matter. For all we know if we knew about the sun we might have had to not get sun so some of us could be to process.

We did very very well with food in a tough situation.

The Zumba is really really a good thing for us. A really good thing. It is fun and we do not have to think. We do not even have to decide if we want to do it like we do with the swimming. We only have to decide if we do not want to go. We do not have any Zumba on Mon. That is something we are going to need to plan around.

I am not sure if we have stressed how doing something than sleeping right after in that it is very hard to do and it really changes things. It does make thing better with the exception that it is hard to get things done. We will unless something happens start to have enough money to start making different decisions. We are not sure that what is best is for us to just do what ever and then sleep. That is going to be hard if we stay here. We are all sick of this and want to start living some sort of normal life. We are not sure the best way to get there is to do this sleeping then while getting enough sun. We do have to make a decision or at least think about our work for money. They way or work goes is work means more work. The other thing is we may want to decide to not take on any more work.

It looks like we need to on some level just get through this summer. Not in a total just get through. It just does not look like we will be able to do much that we are not doing. We are aware that we went to Ecuador and started Zumba. We just want so much more and it seems the way for us to get it is to keep on doing what we are doing. Those of us out sometimes now are totally goal oriented. I mean totally. They do not care what it is other than it is difficult but doable with a time limit. That actually might work. We want $6000 in our pocket and our bills paid through the winter starting on Oct 1st. We want to be moved downstairs.

The danger in turning them loose is that is all that will happen. They would think we were healed. I do not think that is going to work.,

So we have this evening. The next project is cleaning our room and laundry. No way we can do both tonight. Not even work on both.

Back to what we should do. Pretty much May is shot. It is really about what we want to do about work. Do we want to turn work down? I do not think we do. We do not want to create work at least right now. Maybe the goal should be $3000. That gets us out of here in the winter.

Anyway it is nice to maybe have some choices. This time last year we were fighting to find a way to be able to do enough work to get our of here in the winter and that was a close thing.

So laundry or not. This is so much better. The question used to be can we do laundry not is that what is best.

This having one post a day is really working for us. I sure would not want to read it. I though of writing in different color what might possibly be relevant to someone healing. That would interrupt my flow.

So we are doing the laundry thing with the dishes method. Writing while we are doing it is part of the process. We thought we might go to the movies tonight with someone. We are going tomorrow. So there is an opening tonight at 10:00 of some movie. There is the thought that we will go swimming and then go to this movie at 10. I thought it was a reward thing or that it was in our head. Then it kinda moved to we will have any clothes we want to go to the movies tomorrow. I really do not understand. I think it is from when we were growing up we had to have something to look forward to so we could keep going. In a way all that changed is the tasks got bigger and we had more control.

We are doing the laundry any old which way. Not what we usually do. We do it as efficiently as possible to spend as little time as possible. This is a talent we have if not a gift.

I wonder if some are not really tired and to do the laundry we need to have a goal to get to and it is the going swimming then to the movie. Reality is we will not likely get the laundry done using the dishes method. If we went flat out we could make the movies although some would be so tired they could not go.

The thing is if we relax and just do the laundry we may end up going to the movie and not even know why. On the other hand if we SET we are not going swimming and or to the movies than we are not doing the laundry any old which way. We are just going to keep on keeping on and see where it land us.

We think it is about you guys go away so that we can do the laundry and then we will go swimming and to the movies. Kinda make doing the laundry and doing this work OK.

Over all what we are doing other than writing here is not thinking of anything else. It is not about getting the laundry done.

So we are in the middle of doing the laundry.

We all but know that Wendy was at the commune. We know that Wendy died with us in a shed. The Superintendent of Schools killed her. He also had her kill her baby. Wendy was blind at the time. There are lots of confused memories and much work that needs to be done.

We have therapy tomorrow at 1:30. We wanted to go swimming in the lake. There are thunderstorms predicted in the morning. That is not normal for around here so unless the report changes we can not go swimming. We know about thunder storms in the afternoon and early evening and can watch for them. That would not work in the morning as we know nothing about it.

We think Wendy was a multiple. She was a run away we expect. She said she was an orphan if asked. She was about 16 when we met her. We love her and want here here.

We knew she was dead. She was killed after mamma was killed. Her and I worked as a prostitute together. She knew Mamma also.

We are doing OK with all of this. We are just numb. Although it was not that same as some things it is much about filling in the details. Thing is we have not been sadder than sad about Wendy. You can not do that until the memories come into consciousnesses. Pretty much you need to know the loss.

For us this does not expand the trauma it actually for us reduces it in that it all makes more sense how we lived through this and how it all happened. As a child it seemed like the whole world was involved. Our whole world was. There were only a handful of people involved in the murders. I think there were 13 murders. I know that is a lot. It is not random. 6 of them were from Mamm’s family. Two from mine. Page. A homeless man. Wendy and her baby. Two unwanted boys that I only knew the day they were killed as far as I know. And Stevie which was an accident. Right now we are hoping that Shelby was a fake death and we are confused with Wendy’s death. There is the boy that I threw against the wall in a MKULTRA facility and as far as I know he died. There was a boy that I shot who was black and there was another Indian boy that I killed with a pistol that I had shot many times empty and there was a man there who was totally scared with a shotgun. That is 18. All before I was 13.

It is not that I sneaked this in nor even that it came to me from the other writing. Once the path way is open the pathway is open.

Well the laundry is not going well. There was a storm and I have to go outside to get to the laundry. The cellar is flooded and then I ran the washer with the drain down so the water ran for a couple of hours. It is not a big deal and we are all set now other than it is going to be late when we are done. That is Ok the work we did is what is important.

It would be stupid not to check to see if we are at risk of a crash. I do not think so as we do not have that feeling of please nothing go wrong we can not handle it. We are very very calm or very very numb. We know we are a tad out of it. We have never been here before so there is no telling. We have in the past been blindsided. We think everything is going well and then we just crash. It has never been things in the now other than we had to deal with them and what we had to deal with due to the pathways opening. We have always crashed due to exhaustion.

If you are swimming in cold water and it feels warm you have to get out of the water or you are going to die. Right now it feels like everything is OK. It can not be. It can only be that we can handle it. One thing that we have experienced is the crash does not come until it can. Right now we can not crash. There are limits to how long we can keep going. It takes a lot. We do not have the sense that we are hanging on. We see our therapist tomorrow at 11:30. That or right after may tell us more. Is it 11:30 or 1:30. Our math brain is not here right now. We checked it is 1:30 it is a good sign that we at least think we will remember.

When we crash from exhaustion it also accompanied by physical distress. We have had some nothing like normal. We have not been in the real pain. Least not that I know of and it does not feel like we have been.

We do have money to kinda buy our way out. We will not be going in the lake as the cold water would be a risk. We may go to the pool although that is a risk as we are going to be up late with the laundry and if we do not go early there may be people there and we may not be up for that. We will not be able to come right home from therapy and sleep before we go to the movies. Canceling is not going to happen. We might have time for a short nap. We would like to go to one town so we can cash a check and then go to the movies. That might be a stretch. We will need to go grocery shopping in the morning.

So right now it looks OK. We hope we remember to keep checking. One thing that is going to be an issue is we do not have Zumba on Mon we might be able to go to mat class on Tues.

The more I right and think about it the most likely a crash looks. It is not anywhere near inevitable. We do not need to start just trying things in case it does not work. We are not even at the point where we start to try and prove that we have not made any errors. It is just we need to be aware we are at risk and know we might have no idea what is going on. Our brain seems to be pretty much working. Glitches here and there. Nothing major.

Seems some are preparing for a crash as their attitude might as well as we have to do that stuff anyway. Others are more about prevent a crash.

Well it is past midnight and it looks like we will get the laundry done. There is not much point in writing anymore. The die is cast. It has been quite a day as we thought it would be and we got the laundry done. We have to make sure to go to the grocery store tomorrow. We will need to go to the bank. Other than that we just have to get to therapy at 1:30 and then we go to the movies. Then we sleep. There will be time for some work in the morning if it wanted to be done. It is wanted that we take a photo and bring it to our therapist and flowers from the yard.

Dissociation

May 21, 2013

Dissociation is a term coined around the tern of the 1900 by Janet. It was the explanation of the weakness that caused hysteria. Jung an Freud added it was a defensive mechanism. No science involved in either. A projection of those who have not experienced trauma based on why they thought some people were different. There personal view of life shown in what they called the work of understanding the mind.

It is doing awake that which in a perfect life would be done asleep. That is what dissociation is and it exists with multiplicity it is not the cause.

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The DSM has been redone. Everyone knows it suck. One “expert” pointed out there is no biological marker for any DX. He did not understand that with all the brain scans and the chemical imbalance thing they are measuring the results. Kinda like classifying rocks on their degree of hardness.

They have not found a biological marker and so the “expert” wanted more research. It is not unlike the search for the fountain of youth which was abandoned for the search for the chemicals that will extend life. The fountain of youth did not exist. Nor will the biological markers in all but a few cases. “80% of all people report sexual abuse. Of the remaining 20 some likely do not report what they know, some have repressed memories and some have other trauma. That is a marker that the “experts” miss for what ever reason you will have to ask them I am not prone to such errors.

So the other day we were outside in the sun. We have a pile of branches some 5″ in dia that came down in a ice storm a few years ago. We had piled them up in the yard as that was all we could do at the time. We had the idea of burning them in a campfire. it is out where we once did a watercolor outside and out where we laid down in our tent hammock. It is in the back yard and we do not often go there. We have been going there of late and we did eat out there in the sun, We do not mow the grass there. We wanted some sun and so we took this pile of branches and arranged them from left to right smallest to largest thinking we would have a camp fire at some point. We had lots of bonfires in Ecuador. i collected wood that had washed on the beach. I only did so when the tide brought the wood close to the shore. I am pretty clever. I arranged the wood there by size and moisture content.

So when we arranged the wood in our yard and all the other things it was about expressive therapy. We did not know that. It was in part about our experiences at the commune.

So the last post which is the next post on this blog was about doing the dishes. We will get to that.

What would be best today would be for us to go swim and stretch in the pool then sleep. We have a job site we need to go to. Before it was really about what was best it was what had a chance of working now which might get something started which might not be able to be started for years. No one would ever believe me that I knew what I was doing. They were experts all people are experts on what I should do. They know the effect that anything I do will have on me.

So we are going to write and then go to the job site and gather data. The inclination will be to come home and write the report and get it over with and that is what may be best. Thing is the criteria has always been if we can that is what we should do. We do not know what is best right now. We do know we need some fun pretty soon. Maybe a paddle hopefully not to the good-bye place.

So we wrote during the doing the dishes last night. It was expressive therapy. it was pretty cool how the dishes were arranged and such. The bowls arranged in a pattern to dry etc. That is why it hurt so much. Here is the thing about relaxing muscles and it seems the brain is the same way. One way to do it is to push them to the max than rest. The other is to stretch them. When you stretch a muscle it will first contract only than can it relax. Experts do not understand this. A few understand that it is best to first warm up the muscles before stretching. Actually I do not know if that is understood.

So after we did our expressive therapy we were sick. Our body sees relaxing as a danger as it always have been. Not just as a child and not just that we have experienced extreme trauma other than before we start to stretch our body is in a different place than is known. This place that our body is in is seen as bad. What caused it to be that way is bad where our body is happens to not only be great for experiencing trauma it can do things other bodies can not. Why no one can keep up over time. It was not in a good place to heal from trauma. What is important is it did not start in a place that anyone knows about yet all people assume they know including experts and the yoga nuts are the worst as they do not even know where their body starts from.

So doing the dishes made us sore due to the realizing and the stress of doing expressive therapy.

So in the 4th grade we wrote our first paper. The asshole teacher think one that gets attention by dragging her fingernails on the black board had us to a autobiography over the summer. What a controlling asshole. We had not a good summer due to horror and then we had to do this paper. It was printed and then we had to change it to cursive. It was expressive therapy and this teacher left and a substitute who was a psychopath and tied in with the cult as so was the superintendent abused us right in the class room. This was new as before it was just the typical abuse by the teachers.

We also started to draw at some time meaning we did realism. just did it.

So we do not know what happened last night. That is the way sleep is supposed to work. Why interpreting dreams is not a good idea unless you need to prevent healing for a while.

Our right gland in our neck is swollen. If we were able to go for a swim and then spend the day healing it would go away. That is not possible.

So next time we do the dishes we will have a new experience to base what the experience will be. We will know that last time and other times it made us sick and the reptilian brain does not like that. It did not make us sick before we just switched.

So we now understand more about the buying a kayak. It is hard when we are doing two things at once. Actually it is easier we just can not heal in the same way. Actually we were doing many things at the same time. We are multiple.

What the kayak is about is having another one so we can not only have fun we can have fun with other people. That is one of the reasons we like the Zumba. We have fun and other people are there and they can not talk. No that is not it. We do not have to talk. One reason we like art classes.

So we are still designing and it is going well. Real design work is hard. Few people do it. Take Frank Loyd Wright. He as an assembler of nice lots and materials. In his defense he did not just spend a lot of money and that is even more common. Actually I am just jealous. Not of his ability just he got the chance. I am sure he made the opportunity. We have had other things we have to deal with. Our whole life.

So we are going to the site this morning and then we need to regroup.

We may and I mean may be able to sneak in a day off this week. Actually it is not going to happen. This is what we got. Actually we can do that later. We need to eat breakfast and then go to the job site.

In a general way what is going on is those from after Shelby was murdered and being joined with those before she was murdered with the inbetweeners doing the hard work of bringing the memories into consciousnesses. It is often said that some hold the memories and this is not what we experience nor what happened. Some can bring the memories into consciousnesses so that they are then memories and in the past.

We wonder if it would not be best to come home directly from the job site and sleep. That decision has to be made now or it is not happening.

We told every therapist that something happened to us in the fourth grade. It is now obvious that it was not a traumatic experience. Using the term experience to difference it from event as most trauma is seen. Even the term experience is not descriptive. It is not like my trip to Ecuador was an experience the trauma I experienced did not have a start and end.

So we are back from the site. We did very well. There is lots to work on that just is not happening right now. We just have to keep doing what we know with everything else that is going on. We did after a fashion come home and sleep. When it came to us that is what we were going to do we were driving home. Our shoulders dropped and we actually started to drive slower. We get how we lived just pushing and then sleep what we thought was real sleep. We also figured out that at the commune we would either get stoned or drink at night and that is why for years if we had one beer than we could sleep. What was really going on is that kept some from sleeping.

We are having issues with when there is nothing planned and we are not trying to take a nap. Before there was a rush to do something to stay away from some doing the work none of us knew how to do. We always had the next thing to be done ready and if there was some reason we could not do the next thing planned we had fillers always ready. Even if there was something fun it was there in the waiting. It was not like we were never spontaneous that was just never done when nothing was planned.

Kinda getting used to one long post for the day.

This is pretty weird. We have curtains over our windows to keep in the heat. Well we can take them down now. For some reason that is not wanted. It seems to be Ok now. We seem to be waiting until it gets dark to do swimming. That kinda makes sense in that we do not like to go into a place in the light and come out when it is dark. Never was a good thing.

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So we or rather I am OK with this dead time until it gets dark. I am not however going to be OK with the dead time before Zumba. Pretty much it is at 9:30 and unless something is planned than it will truly be lost time.

One of us is more than a tad upset. Seems they are feeling pressured. Most likely as they are. I do not think it is on purpose at all. We think it has to do with what we did last night with the dishes. Kinda like that worked lets do that again. Don’t know if some are not ready or it did not work for them. It seems they just do not want to go through it right now.

So we have an issue that really needs to be solved. We know that Zumba needs to be protected and we need to sleep afterwards. We got that. Right not it is set up that we just hang out until 9:30 tomorrow. That is not OK. It will be in the way of our healing. A going backwards. It will not be working hard. We are going for a swim and we will think about this. We are OK if something comes up we do not need a strict schedule it is the concept of nothing can happen until Zumba unless something needs to be done. Not going to work.

We think it is fear of being left away. We think it comes from if some do just a little bit better than they may not get to be for years.

I think this all might be lack of exercise. We did did a bunch of holes in our soi

Katch Me Up

May 21, 2013

It is going to be a day of catch up with the work of trauma. So far it looks like we will have the time. It It Tues.

We just do not see the extra mat class as happening. It would only work if we could protect those three days. Mon is memorial day and so we have no glass open studio that day. We are thinking of skipping that week and then moving it to tues. There is right now only one person who comes to open studio and we like working with her. We do not like scheduling thing as she is super controlling. Does not really have A method just uses many. All controlling people use deception.

Those of us that work for money got up and between last night and this morning have regrouped. It is easier for them to regroup. It just is. It is not there fault.

Seems we have morphed into a new way of writing here. It is pretty much a personal journal at this point. We are writing here in case we hit a cord with someone and they may have some ideas or find it helpful. It also helps as just write clearer and with more thought here. Or maybe it is just easier. It might be that it is less intense than witting with a pen or pencil. We are making zero effort to make it interesting.

So we went to Zumba and the goal was to come home and sleep. What happened is we ended up talking to a person in the parking lot for a couple of hours. The reason is we were planning to come home and sleep. It in a way makes us vulnerable. It is a hard dynamic although we are on the way to making it not in that if we are not vulnerable than we those that are out and about will inadvertently make it so we do not come home and sleep. It is what they do and it was always best.

Actually we need to go back further than that. We had plenty of time to get to Zumba. It was a little hard as we had to pay this time and we had free passes which we did not know how to use. It made it difficult for some of us to get out of the way. We tried something different which we have been working on and that is getting ready before hand. There are many reasons this has not been best in the past. One is it requires switching. The other is even though we are totally ready we need to keep checking. This is not OCD it is during the switches some are out that are not aware we are ready. That went well. We were late getting to Zumba as those that get us to where we need to go were not out. We handled being late very well as this time we knew the cause. Much more better.

So the actual class went very well as it has so far. It is different each time and we are getting more of a work out as get stronger. It is is not like the person who finishes last in the race gets the most exercise. As out body changes we use it in ways that are different. There is a mat class tonight at 4:15 and until right now that was a total no go as it would not be best. That is going to be an issue with the work we want to do right now as others are going to be out. It is not as simple as as saying it is not best as we do not know yet.

So we talked to this person for two hours. It was a nice chat and everything it was just not best for us. The reason we are vulnerable is we do not have the next thing to do other than it is sleep. If we set the next thing we do not sleep.

So we are going to the dump and are going to try and do the same thing we did with the dishes is to let some that usually do not do it their way no matter what. This will be different as we have done it before and it had a time thing as the dump closes.

So we talked to this person and that was a learning thing in itself in that we know we are vulnerable. We have looked back and know what is happening. When we were new people left us alone and it helped we are the real male there. We could avoid the chat very easily. We can not anymore. We do not ever start it we just react. We will still need to react which it would be better if we did not. We are just going to have to live with that. We would prefer that we did not have to talk at all. One thing we do is just give a high five to the instructor. Good to know.

So we were after much work able to come home and sleep. It shows we can do it. We slept for 5 hours and it was a wonderful sleep. We woke up and checked our phone. We were supposed to be holding open studio. We handled that well and it will help to write about that.

We lost some writing and that is OK. We have a dentist appointment tomorrow that was just set today. That would be an easy one to forget as it was not in our schedule it is at noon. It is not really helpful to have to deal with the dentist as we have processed much about peoples teeth being smashed out with a hammer etc. It is not somewhat normal in the context of we are working of processing murders that happened when we were a child.

So we went to the dump and it was done kinda in the same mode as when we did the dishes. It was much different as we had done the work with the dishes.

It is clear we just as soon not talk. This leads to talking a lot. Hard to explain. It is kinda one or the other.

We are lost in the moment and need to find our place in this writing. OK we came home and had a wonderful sleep. We discovered we were supposed to be at the art studio. The person there who we like is a nut case in a bad way. Totally manipulative. Leaving nasty messages on our phone. Then the old well it is not problem. We did not freak and be nervous about when we did get to the studio. The person might have left. We knew it was both possible that they studio was not left unlocked and that it was unlocked and she would be using the torches even though she knows she should not. We just drove there and figured we had enough thinking done to handle it. We could assume if she was using the torches she would say she hopes it is alright. I would have said it is fine with me I will ask what the office thinks about it as far as I know they do not want people using the torches unless they approve it. As far as the unlocked goes the studio is supposed to leave it open for me. I knew they would mess up. This person makes a big deal of nothing then says it is OK. Unless it is pointed out she is wrong and then she just dissociates. So there was a person there with the key. They had given it to someone else and I got the key. Well the person there is all pissed off why did he not open the door and I say he did not have a key then. It is just all a waste of time. All worth it as I get free studio time.

So we had not eaten. We had fun at the glass studio. We did have to tell this person that we were going to leave at 8:30 as we had not eaten. She is one of those people that makes you stay late just to control. We do not really pay that much attention as it gets in the way of our having fun working with glass. We will handle it now. The thing is that stopping at a certain time is hard with glass. What she does is leave other stuff that can be done first. Then she hurries. Last time she said you want to write down my hours and then you can get out of here quicker. I said No. She does that if she gets a chance. We do give her a joking hard time. I wonder if on some level we just do not like the bullshit. As always it has just kept building and building as we have not kept at her.

There is also the thing where she want to become a monitor so she gets free glass time. Drama that is not at all dramatic. Only thing that is important is we do not get dragged into it.

So we were out of it. We were close to heading towards the ocean which is a couple of hour away. Actually we were on the way and turned around and came back.

Nope we went to the local ice cream place and saw someone who we love very very much. Then we got lost.

We came home and did not write other to know there was a list.

We got up and we were doing pretty good we knew we were at some risk of really losing time which means our body can not heal just to to the difficulty of this work and fate in the now.

Pretty important how well the dump went. We are multiple we can get that stuff done we just do not want to suffer as much.

So we have done what is on our list for the most part and there is one more thing to do before we start to regroup.

Maybe more than one.

We have been wearing shorts. We stopped in the third grade. Not sure why yet. Anyway we have been wearing on one pair. If we had a better situation we could wear them to therapy and find out. That we can not sucks.

When in Ecuador we were approached by a man that was gay to have sex. He was nice about it and a very nice good looking man. We have never been attracted to males sexually. We always wondered if it was just our experiences. We do not worry about it at all and do not think about it much. Just a wondering. Pretty much if we ever were going to get the urge to explore that then that would have been the time to do it. Funny thing is it never occurred to us. We are not even a little bit gay. Just good to know in a different way. We do not have the things where it grosses us out or makes us angry. It is just a non issue for us as that is the way we were born.

So it is time to regroup. We have Zumba in the morning and then a dentist appointment afterwards. So there will not be a long nap after Zumba. Some are getting more confident that we will not again think they are done.

Oh this is important. Mon some wanted to go to the dump there way and it was not coming together very well with time and such. Those that know when the dump is open knew it was not open and it was not. Problem solved. Thing is problem was not solved for some. Honoring that is very very important and hard to get to. Not the least of which is they were not honored at all as a child. Well not very often by anyone who what honest.

So tomorrow is going to be not busy but full until after the dentist and we always sleep after the dentist and always have so unless some do not sleep that is not an issue.

We think we missed a time what we could have slept. That is gong to go on for a while. We are already getting better at it.

We are going to at least take a rest and if we do not get up and can not swim that will now be Ok. There was a little bit of wanting the swim as a reward for the dump. That was really more of you go away and then we can swim. As they did not go away than it is not an issue.

So tomorrow is gong to be pretty much what it is. It is Wed. Which is now the say before therapy. We have therapy in the afternoon and that is totally totally different for us. We will still need to protect therapy. It will just be different. We now have two drafting jobs gong on. This will be the first time we have known about the sun and had this situation. We think we are Ok except for time. It is better for us if our work in not in the house. It is just easier. Always has been.

We expect that we will go though some of the angst that we go through when winter starts to come. We can deal. One thing that will make is easier is if we are ready for winter in a new way. One thing that will help is if we have money which at this points look possible.

So we went to the pool. It was a good swim we were there alone. We did notice that now it is more complicated to go to the pool. We do not want our hair to get all burned off by the chlorine so we put conditioner in our hair and wear a cap. Just one more thing to do.

So we are going to at least rest. Either way there is going to be what we are calling dead time. That is when we have options that are not based on how less horrible we will feel or that we just can not take anymore and need a break. These dead times are never for sure. That makes it hard. We are not doing well with all that yet. We think it may be as it is never known. We can lay down to rest and we might sleep 5 hours. WE might start processing.

We have no clue what we are going to do in therapy other than work hard. We know we will need rest afterwards. The memory work is going a long. We do not know who the dead woman is with all her hair fallen out. We are not positive we know she is dead. Actually we are told we are sure. We have a sense that we loved her. We have a sense she was nice to Shelby and I at the commune. We have a sense she was nice to everyone and that is why she was killed. That is the real reason these people killed. If they were nice they had not use. They and I were an affront to everything they were and were not.

No clue if we slept of not. That is Ok. It is 6: and we need to regroup for the evenings. We have caught a big break on the sun. We do not think it will be an issue we did figure out our body got confused if it was hot. If it was hot we wanted to stay out of the sun and did if we could. This could cause sun deprivation.

Part of out process is to thy to explain how this all happened. We in 1/2 hour can get up to the third grade. Back ground stuff like cults were in charge of taking care of unwanted pregnancies and unwanted children. That was done by “witches” Not a stretch to say they were not persecuted in a society that at the time had a lot of unwanted children.

So this dead time is OK. We have done a lot of work. It is the morning until we go to Zumba that may be the issue.

This is more of this is a pain thing than anything else. The next two projects are the laundry and cleaning up or room. It will be best is we can do the dishes thing. We have kinda done that with the laundry. We are just no thinking it is a good idea to push tonight and everything is pushing with this work.

We know know that in the third grade we missed the school picnic and we missed the deal where you go to the next class for a day. Move up day. We never knew that we were supposed to write out autobiography over the summer. We were not there. We likely left when college got out.

We want to save energy for tomorrow. That just is not possible. The way it works for us is we do less work of therapy. Lately it has been all work of therapy although not all trauma work.

OK we have rested and it is time to go to sleep for the night. We have set it up so that if we do not have to do the work of therapy we will work on our room with the dishes method. We will let other decide what needs to be done in the context of getting our room picked up and that will be in part getting ready to do the laundry. There is no sense in faking that after that others will take over as we need to do work for money. The picking up the room and doing laundry is in preparation for that. It is not as we wish it was preparation to do drawing for the work of trauma. We have therapy on Thur and we are going to bring batteries for our therapists clock. It seems as of late she had had slow electricity in her clock. It takes forever for the hour to go by. We know we will do work as that is the one constant. We will try and come home and go to sleep. We will tomorrow try and prepare food and such so we can rest the day of and after therapy.

We know now we had some things reversed in our mind with the building that we went to school in when we went to school.

That my parents had no idea what was going on is not credible. They covered for the MKULTRA program. We get know how so much of what they told us was about them protecting there false sense of integrity. In a way it was my job in the family not only to be the scapegoat I had to cover the lies for them as to where I was. It is weird I have no idea how that part of it was done. I have no idea what I told my classmates when they asked where I had been. I have no idea what I said when asked where have you been.

We are having a tad of this all could not have happened. That the logistics of it make it impossible. That will pass as we have more information. We also are having the thing where there is no way we can heal. It really helps that we have grieved so much.

So this is a new plan we are taking to bed with us. We will see how it all works out and we will not really know for a few weeks if it is going to work. We will know at some point it is not. We guess.

OK

May 20, 2013

We figured out that one issue last night was we were calorie deprived. We are still getting used to having enough sun and not doing what we always did when we did not have enough sun. Pretty much not doing what we used to do that prevented healing. It is hard as the same things that make it possible to prevent healing are the same as those that make it possible if you have figured out a way to bring the memories into consciousnesses and process them.

We were told that we were not going to make it. We have not heard that in a while. It is part of our process/cycle.

We figured out that the issue with the anger about not getting anything done was that some knew we were going to go through something and that is part of our process. We have this weird thing that happens with our body. Our lower legs get this burning sensation. Some times it feels like we have a hole in our leg on one leg of the other. We have had this every single time we ended up in the hospital. It is the end of something and the start of something else. It has been when due to not having enough sun we leave some away as they can not continue with out enough sun. That is what the angst was about.

We have not been having much fun as of late. That is part of the issue. It is much about having fun with other people. Those special moments that you can not create yet you can prevent. It is a need. It helps to have money. It does not make these moments happen it just is a good set up.

So we had this burning sensation in our legs. It is not to be prevented or ignored. It can get to the point where we scratch our legs till they bleed. We used to do that in our sleep. We also used to chew our arms right above the wrist. We have a sense that the burning in our legs will now be gone or transform.

We have had just a little bit of the body temperature lowering an we could tell that our immune system was starting to kick in. This tied into the being calorie deprived as we did not eat.

Those that know what has happened in the past never know what it will be like in the future with our process. Other than it will not be good. For them having enough sun has changed everything. Some of us really do get on their case for answers they do not and can not have.

So it is a day off. Actually I have to check. It is mostly a day off. We need to put off anyone that calls with a problem as we tend to run out and make things happen.

Work has been coming in at a good rate. We have been able to do what comes in almost right off and get it done and bill.

So here is the issue. Some have done some very hard work. If we are not careful their reward will be not to sleep. We really need to get in our head that we need to come home from Zumba and sleep. We need to use that energy to sleep not get things done.

We are on the cusp where what we used to do does not matter. That will be a big change.

So we expect to see the sun in 6 days. I am not kidding. That is how long it is going to be cloudy. We are kinda looking forward to handling it well. One thing that most people do not know is you still get sun energy even if it is cloudy. It just takes longer. If we go for a paddle even in the rain we will get sun energy. We can also get some sort of energy from being in the water.

We were having issues with our teeth/jaw hurting. That seems to be on the wane. If we mess up on the sun energy over the next few days it could get really bad for us. What could happen is we could lose our ability to heal and then it would take days for us to get our sun energy back up so we could heal again. There are to many factors to put time on it. Might be a few days might be months.

Psychopaths seem to have a tendency to use locations that are not in their house. It might be the basement or it might be in a garage or basement barn or a shed.

We have a memory that is coming into consciousnesses. It is about a woman who was on her way to being so close to death there is no coming back. The cults and psychopaths know how to do this and prolong agony. They get mad when some one dies early.

We have seen on our brain this woman’s head from the top and back. We have not yet seen her face other than to know it was very disfigured from the torture. We know we do did not love her as those memories are always different. It is not that we are unfeeling it is that it is a different horror. Her hair had all fallen out which is not uncommon with a person who is being tortured to death over time. We have seen it more than once. She had been in the shed a long time we could tell by the pallor of her skin. We were brought there to see her as some psychopath wanted to show us. This shed was well built and had geraniums in a little window box. That is all we know right now. Now if we let something sit it is easier. Before it was not it made it sometimes impossible to get to for years and always made it harder once we got back to it. The memory of seeing this woman was had as we had enough sun so we handled it better than if we did not. We also were with Wendy when she died in a shed it was a set up by the superintendent of schools who was a psychopath. He called the people he killed his project. He was always showing me things and he never really hurt me. He had in his mind I would be like him. In a way he saw himself as bright and better than everyone else and thought of me as his protege. It may have been the same shed as when I was with Wendy and she died. I sang to her and held her. She and I worked together as a prostitute and I promised to save her. I failed. That happened a lot with me.

___________

We can not work on what went on at the site yesterday. First it is a about a $20,000 drainage issue and the person is selling their house and have already bought a new one. They are upset. I am having a hard time with caring as they screwed up and they will have a chance at a good life. Plus it is easy for me to see the problem and the solution. It was in a town where I had an office once. I was working as a consultant and doing my own work. It was a good situation. I would go out in the sand pit at the office and practice my golf shots in the sun. I was making a lot of money and stood to make more. I was living on a lake and I was skiing in the winter. I built about 7 houses in this town. So there was all that to process. I had been on the site about 4 years ago at the same time of year. So lots was going on. I seem to remember the first time I see someone. When I saw the client I knew that the last time I saw him I said “I know I need a hair cut.” This time I told him I was wrong. Anyway I had to do a lot of digging to test the soils do the hydrology work. I was joking around and we see how we can not stay one of us for very long and need to find a way to take a break. It worked out ok with the client and the e-mailed me when I left to thank me and to say they appreciated that I was upbeat as they were not. In a way I distracted them from me an therefore themselves. We could really see how all the switches were taking place. We now tell people that we need to access a different part of our brain and need a break. it is really we need to switch. As the client and I were getting along we really watched the switching. It is less tiring if we just switch back and forth quickly. It can cause issues with dealing with people due to our memory. Some of us may switch and not know what happened seconds before. We have lots of covers for this.

We can also get crossed up as we might remember something that happened 4 years ago and think it just happened as it just did for us. Then there is when we might see something that we did not 4 years ago. It is weird as we might know more about what has changed at the persons house than they do.

So we were watching all of this and it was very integrating. Then we had to do elevations. We could not do them. We were crossed up with three of four of us that all do elevations differently. It was much about the numbers and finding the right one that could do the elevations with the equipment that we had with us. Which got crossed up as we had the transit with us that we used to use when we worked in that town and have not used since. We just had to sit down and take a break. We then did the elevations the way we did in Fla which we have not done since we have been sun deprive these last years.

There is a lawyer involved who thinks she is not only smart she thinks she is smarter than me. She is wrong on both counts.

The last time I was on site I used a backhoe. It was a friend of the owner. I need to eat. So we ate.

We are in real danger of not getting our head right for Zumba. Going to do that now and then come home and sleep.

OK we are ready for Zumba. We figured we would do some work while we waited till it was time to go. Here is the thing. Being totally ready means we have three min. Good to know.

There is the thought that some want to go to the dump. They want to do it their way just like we did the dishes. This is a big step for us in that they want to go to the dump. The big step is not them going it is the rest of us getting out of the way.

We saw a man hung after being tortured at the local dump. He was burned afterwards in tires. It was Mamma’s husband and she and her family were there and watched. They were black and this was in the 60’s.

Off to dance. That is what some call Zumba. Did not know that till right now.

It is late we have made noted for tomorrow. We are dong well. It is hard. We are kinda past the there is no way this could have happened with the commune. It seems like we were there a long time and maybe two years. That could just be another year is displaced. We are very much dealing with some things better than we ever have. That helps. It is not something that would be noticed by other people it is more an internal thing.