Archive for July, 2009

The Big H

July 31, 2009


First public post.

This is what I am not working on right now. It is humiliation. It is not the guilt that I should have been able to figure out a way to stop the abuse or figure out a way to heal sooner. That seems to be OK kinda “Would I blame anyone else?’

It is not the shame that I have for things that I did do and regret, which are reasonably normal if  viewed in the context of what I was dealing with it seems to be OK.

There is an event that I associate with the humiliation. I was 6 and on the way to school in the spring. The greaser was on the porch and a photo of me taken at night where the street I lived on intersected the main street was thumb tacked to a maple tree with a red tack. This was seen walking to school. On the way home the same photo was tacked to a telephone pole outside another abusers house.

So I had to now walk back home past the maple tree wondering if the photo on the telephone pole had been there all day and wondering if the one on the maple tree was still there.Wondering who had seen it and was going to ask me about it. Lots and lots of wondering to do for a 6 year old.

Wondering when the photo was taken and flashing back to those events. Which was the first overnight abuse.

This brought the trauma into my other worlds. The trauma before had been similar to a car accident where one forgets what happened, what happened right before and right after. Electroshock, horrification, rituals and violence were used so I would not have a memory.

Not helpful to view this as an adult. The adults understand and others share that understanding it is the humiliation of  me as a child I need to face.

Guess I am working on it. Oh bother.

Oh ya. Blue tack holding up the photo on the telephone pole and there is also a telephone pole in the photo.

This photos were preliminary work likely done at the direction of the behavioral scientists and educators that we trying to create two personalities. One a perfect citizen and one a perfect tool for the government. Note: It did not work. I was a multiple dealing with trying to have me be two personalities.

I don’t know if I should give them the credit of knowing the impact of the seeing the photo both coming and going to school.

This is not about the ones that created the trauma. What they were doing is not important and I can not understand. It is about how it effected us then and how it is effecting us now and it was not our fault. If we do not do the work so that it does not effect us than that will be our failure.