Archive for January, 2016


January 31, 2016

I had written here that we had processed all the murders. I was incorrect.

I was missing a whole winter and there was another murder. Guessing that the human traffickers agreed to take a man of limited intelligence who was getting aggressive for a fee and they killed him. I knew him well.

This has been a rough winter of healing for us.

We may have written this before here but in case not here it is again. We have known for a long time that without enough sun energy we can no fully grieve and that causes processing interrupted. It sucks as there is so much energy to even start to process and then we need to go through that again. Never knowing if we will get back to it or when. We jump around a bit just because of the interruptions.

The sun was a huge piece of it. It is possible to be in the sun and not get any sun energy. That was hard to figure out.  To much sun and heat we can not heal.

There is another dynamic and it is that the human body works differently in the dark. It is involuntary and happens no only when sleeping. Modern medicine knows  little about what happens. We just go with lots does and we are aware of that.

We figured out that the short days and cloudy days effect us separate form the lack of sun energy.  They are of course related. What is important for us is to know we are up in the dark and to be aware that it is getting light and on those days that it does not get light to be aware of that. Everything gets harder and that is also true about the cold in that the cold makes everything harder.

What happened is this murder got left away as it happened during a time of little sun and short days. We had food and water and were for the most part warm. It was a unique thing for us in our early childhood. We were sold to a professor that has some part in the universities that were working on behavior modification. He was bat shit crazy and yet not as much of a psychopath as some that were traffickers/cult members.

We went though the short days and some days where it did not really get light with our knowing what was going on. We now need some time to recover. One of the things we need to do is to build up our sun energy. We got very sick which we often do when there is a change of seasons. We understand now we get ill when the days get shorter and then again when the days get longer. After being sun deprived the sun makes us sick for a bit. We think we have that solved and knowing about it helps a lot. We are hoping that it is the same with the short days.

Right now we are not driven to get to a place for the winter where there is sun. That may change and it has been a really mild winter.

We feel pretty good right now about our chances of avoiding a crash of major proportions. if so this will be the first murder we have not crashed when processing.

It is a legitimate question as to how in the world in 14 years were we around so many murders. The answer is that it was two different traffickers in two different towns and actually one in a different state. Pretty much these traffickers were criminals in the 50’s and 60’s that bilked people out of money by saying they were taking care of unwanted children when in fact they were killing them. That these people also were the ones that supplied children and adults to the MKUTRA program is also a factor.

Pretty much a perfect storm.

We often look at are we just crazy. We are not. It was a lot harder when the memories just kept coming one after the other. This new murder is not totally knew. We had started work on it and it was interrupted by the short days and or lack of sun energy.

I will admit that sometimes I see my reflection in a window or something and can not believe that we are as sane as we are.

Interesting. Lest to me. As I was writing a coughed and it hurt my ribs so much I went to my knees. I went to the emergency room. I have bronchitis and the muscles in my back were in spasm. Every time coughed  it brought me to my knees.  I am fine now. Much more fun going to the emergency room for something like that than needing help as you do not know who you are or where you are. Very much more fun.

How my multiplicity works

January 23, 2016

We are “arranged”  in groups. One group is from when we were 4. My FOO moved and I thought I was going with them. I was not. I stayed with the human traffickers. I spent sometime in the closet of an apartment and then was rented or maybe sold to a professor. I stayed in his house for a winter.  It was hard for us to get to as no one was murdered so we kinda thought of it as OK. It was not by a long shot. We had food and water and there was not much danger of freezing to death except when being punished or being dunked in the brook during the winter.

So that winter there was me and professor most of the time. The woman who was my captor when in the closet and the 10 year old that used to take care of me when I lived in the cages were who I had to deal with. There were other times where I had to deal with other traffickers which could be called a cult. We have not done all the memory work yet as there is not enough sun energy to do the work. That and the days are so short our body is acting like it is in the dark all the time.

So a group was formed at that time. We developed different parts only when out of danger, fed and warm. In effect in our life the good times even though we know now it was less worse times.

One of us who has expressed in therapy now and again and does sometimes at home although usually only in bed says he was born bad and he is stupid. This has been an issue as none of us are buying that including him. This is how it works:

He was born bad which we all know he was not. That is where the being stupid comes in. It is how it works. The reason is that being born bad and being stupid is much better than being unwanted. It is a way to not face that we were not wanted as a baby and child and yet we know it makes not sense that we were born bad or that we are stupid.  We do not think we could have faced this on the level we can now with our processing the deaths/murder of my twin sister and my twin sister. Part of what we needed to do was understand that my twin sister and my two brothers were wanted by me and Page who did what little taking care of was done.

It is not good to be an unwanted child. And it does not go away with the FOO. Once and unwanted child always an unwanted child as far as the FOO is concerned. Makes sense with people that could not want a child.

So the rest of the memories we hope will come over time. We know we need to grieve being unwanted so it is in the past. We know we can not do that until we have enough sun energy. We might be able to know we have never done so in the past.

It might be called pacing. We never bought into that and are glad we did not. Losing people to murder is different for us and there is no way we could have done the work and paced. It was go as hard as we could and risk the crash. We are more than comfortable with that and thank our therapist for going with what we felt and not trying to force us to pace. We would have had to quit therapy anyway.


The time we are processing is a big part of how we developed. There is the thought that we should move into one room. It was kinda about saving fuel. We think it is more than that. It might be a way of expressive therapy. A way to process that winter. We had all but planned on moving into one room. We have put plastic on the inside and outside of our windows and one door. The savings in fuel is dramatic and so the moving into one room might not be that big of an advantage. That is how we figured out it might be expressive therapy. We have not told our therapist about the being an unwanted child yet. That hopefully happens Monday. That might change everything. Actually it is likely. We never go to try and change anything. We go and express and share and change happens. We have not been in a month and a half. Pretty much we have been working out how the days with little light effects us.

This whole we were born bad and stupid is done with out words. That is why it is impossible to explain with words.



January 15, 2016

Some random things that aee helpful to me and might be to someone else.

I am working on a time when I was maybe 4 or 5. I was sold to a professor and lived with him for a few months one winter. It was horrible. For me it was better in some ways. I had food and warmth. I did not live in a cage. I did live in the cellar in a room built for me. I was allowed to use the bathroom and was able to be clean. My two brothers and twin sister we dead as they had been killed. Although for me a less horrible time it is still very hard to process. More so as I had some contact with the people who kept me in a cage. As far as I know no one was killed while I lived with the professor and that was pretty much new to me. So it is hard sledding bringing the memories into consciousness.

I find it helpful to use the term troughs. It keeps me away from the having a bad day, in crisis, depressed bla bla bla. It helps as I know the depth of the troughs and know when there is a spike up or down within the trough. It is subjective and I if I drew/plotted it than the value would be wasted for me.

I have know for years about sun energy. Pretty much the human body used sunlight in many ways and some of them unimaginable. I stay away from the Vitamin D silliness. Pretty much a lack of Vitamin D is a sign of poor health. Wheat I did not know is the the human body uses darkness in ways that are unknown and unimaginable. One thing that is known is when in the dark the sun produces melatonin. 

I find it helpful to get sun even if I have to be dressed for the cold. Some people would call it getting outdoors or getting fresh air. It helps me to look directly at the sun through out the day.

High heat and high humidity are as bad as short days and cold.

I do find using a tanning bed to be helpful. I use it at a level where I do not tan. I do not like going and do not like the concept. I may have made an error and only gone enough and long enough to get by. The way I used to use it did help with being able to get sun energy when it was out. I do not think that the tanning bed is a substitute for the sun nor the same.

I thought I could tell when I had had enough of the tanning bed and I may. I do think in part what was happening was I would not have the fan on and when I started to get hot I figured I was done. I started turning on the fan when I got hot and still felt that it was time to not be in the booth. I use a low power 20 min booth. I was going any where from 5 to 8 min. I now ask for 10 and get out when I feel I am done. It does seem I want to go less often so my actual time spent in the tanning bed is less.

So we noticed that one day it was cloudy and her in New England it did not really get light it just got less dark.  This really got to me. It is what lead to knowing that my body needs the dark. Here is the thing. If I am sun deprived than the dark days bother me if I am not sun depleted than I like them and nice snowy or rainy day is fun.

I understand that my body is different having grown up in the environment that I did. I also I am fighting modern life with its heated spaces and electric light.

We are well on the other side of the shortest day of the year. Knowing more about the shorter days has made things better for us.

All that being said. It is all about recovering from doing the work. All that is entailed the processing the grieving the horror the understanding what happened etc. Here is the thing. We can push through all of it except the recovery. We can not do that with out sun energy. We try and store it until the spring. It is to much.

It is not as easy as leaving here and getting sun. It is hard to heal and being somewhere unknown makes it hard if not impossible for us to fully heal. We do not have a solution yet. Knowing the problem usually helps.

There is much that can prevent healing. The normal things in life get in the way etc. It for us is all impossible with our enough sun. We can not grieve and we do not have the sleep that is needed to heal.

Rephrased. We can not heal completely with out enough sun energy to heal. The reason is we can not have the sleep required to heal with out sun energy.

However that we can not heal without enough sun energy does not mean we can not find a way.