Archive for September, 2010

Betting alot

September 30, 2010

We have all but decided to take the winter almost totally off. Not only from work but from trying to improve.

We are not going to do anything that is hard for us. Not even in the spring we will …

The only real hard part will be not going to see my daughters. They are in another part of the country.

We think that is best that we have never ever been really rested and we want to know what it is like.

We are no going to lay in bed the whole winter. We will ski and such. We will continue to swim might even get a job as a ski bum again. It is the not trying to improve thing that we want to drop.

Open water Swiming

September 29, 2010

I have swum in a pool for about two years and found it a great help in healing. To be clear this is not a swim laps. It can be anything from dead man floats as far as I can go. To swimming a mile. To just stretching. When no one is there it might be singing, crying or dancing. A lot of it is just hanging out talking.

I discovered open water swimming this summer. It started as a way to save gas as the pool is 1/2 an hour from here. I totally love it. Something happens. It can not be explained. I swim anywhere from a mile to 1/2 mile. It is a slow slow side stroke with much looking around. I am usually alone in the lake except for the birds and the fish.

Today there was a sea plane that was different.

Swimming under water seems to be part of it.

So it is getting cold here. It has been a very warm fall. I am not cold in the water and still love it. I really suggest that you try it. Not now if it is cold where you are, you have to swim when it is warm and get used to it.

I have thought of getting a wet suit. I just don’t know if it will be the same.

Different

September 28, 2010

There was one that was outside the body. He then came inside the body and now he is speaking outside of therapy. This is what is different and we do not really know what to do.

His word carries much weight with the others. He says OK we are going to clean the house now and it happens and it is not a problem. What is different is he is actually speaking. He would say from outside the body. OK boys and girls this is what we are gona do. Then when he became internal it was all hard and confused and such.  Just the work we were doing.

It is kinda a shock to have him inside and speaking.  It feels wrong. We think it feels wrong as it is new.

Memories

September 28, 2010

I have memories of flashbacks. Somewhere along the line I figured out how to tell them apart from real memories. The memories that we tried to be implanted sometimes called screen memories were easy to figure out.

I am now having to go back over memories of flashbacks that we had memories of before we could tell them apart. It is not really hard work. More laborious.

I know know that I moved some memories for fill in. I would have said that I came in second in a road race when I was in the 4th grade. That had to have happened in the 5th grade. I remember who beat me and they were a grade ahead. Note he was likely 19 in the 6th grade. Ok that is an exaggeration.

This is not understood.

September 28, 2010

It is observed that some things do not last forever. This is not what is experienced. As a multiple there were parts that were in horror forever. That is what they experienced as they did not experience time.

One dynamic of this is times of  year. Fall is bad for me. It is not that fall is bad for me. It is those from fall are out and so for them it is always bad. So their existence is always bad. It is hard as the fall when they are dong bad is the only time they can do the work. What happens is if they do not get to a certain point in the work than the time is wasted. They are in the same place come next fall.

What seems not need to happen is some need to be a bit our before it is their time. Kinda a move time around so they can experience time then we can do the work for lack of better terms out of season.

This is one of the many reasons we dropped the coping and getting through. It is really just putting it off.

One thing that we have found is we have done a drawing that is associated with the time and not the abuse.  Something our of out photographic memory soon we will draw the back of a chair and a tent.

We also have a list of things that we want to do. As in take a photo of the bridge we were dangled off by a rope. One from the top of the bridge and one from far away. Having the list is a way to put it off with out keeping it in our memory. I have no idea what is on the list other than the bridge. That is because I drive by it so often.

I Understand More

September 28, 2010

I knew that often the cults had week long jambories and long week-ends. This for me as an outsider with no real connection in the cults was a going from one group to another or one person to another. I knew that about when I was 12. I kinda knew that about age 3 1/2. I missed that it happened earlier. One has a different sense of time when they are less than 2.

One of the things that is done at these jamborees was to keep me up for days.

There was one this time of year. That is why I am so aware of my sleep. No I have it wrong. At this jamborie I was left to sleep for a bit just not enough and it was allowed off and on.

Resetting Baseline of Rested

September 28, 2010

We are resetting our baseline of when out body says you are rested you can go now.

In a way our body would get to a certain rested and it would go it is time to get moving or the memories will come.

Unfortunately our body was trained to go on and on behold normal limits very often at a young age. This was part of the MKULTRA theory. Pretty much experience torture as a baby and then you will be able to stand it. Works too.

In a way we need to give up the ability to withstand torture or at least having our body be prepared for it at any moment.

This resting is hard work. The way it works is going to sleep when we are not tired. We write our therapist that we are going to take a nap even though we are not tired and we then sleep.

It is dicey as the body tries and reset itself at night.

We are getting the hang of it.It requires that we sleep a lot. It in many ways it mirrors what is termed depression. Had to get over what was told us about depression. The extreme depths of what we were told was depression was caused by trying to stay awake when we were tired.

We still have a problom with pushing to early. There were no naps on Sunday and so that means we needed to sleep most of yesterday and this morning.

Psychopaths Masquerading as Multiples.

September 28, 2010

I don’t care anymore if anyone thinks that psychopaths dissociate. I do not accept the excuse that an adult acts like a psychopath and blames it on others.

That being said there are adults who are in control of psychopaths that do not have a way out. The cut off for me is when there is a way out and the person continues to hurt people. If they claim it is dissociation than that is just an excuse.

I am not so naive to think that there is always a way out.

If you are hurting people than you are not a multiple you are a psychopath.

Tad of a Problom

September 28, 2010

There is one that talks about the others before they be. He is the problem child now and so he can not talk about himself. He has it worked out. The rest of us just need to get out of the way.

He also scolds our therapist who he calls the therapist if she starts in with the DID stuff so he and the therapist do not get along so good.

Learning to Dissociate

September 28, 2010

I am just starting to learn to dissociate. It is awesome.

It is so free. When I allow my self to dissociate as best as I am able, I don’t really have the hang of it yet, then not only is that time wonderful it makes every thing else so much easier.

Dissociation is being as un-responsible as possible. This is way way away from being irresponsible.

It is just coloring because it is fun. Not to express not to get in touch with anything it is just coloring.  It is going barefoot just because. It is drinking water as it tastes good.It is hugging Kitty just because. It is crying  just because I need to.

It is not creating a part to deal with what has to be dealt with. It is not creating a part that might be accepted.

Perhaps not working hard all the time is the hardest work of all.

So take your grounding and staying present and give it back to those who want you to do it and just be for a while. See what happens. If you dare. It is most scary at first. There is a difference between being childlike and being childish.