Archive for September, 2009

Sad not Hurt

September 30, 2009

Seems for me being sad and being hurt go all mashed together. I kinda would see being sad as being hurt and so I did not do it.

My daughter is moving a two day drive away. I am not hurt I am awful sad. She called me and asked if it would be fun for me to take here out there. I am most happy that she asked and most happy that she does not “need” me to take her out there.

My daughter is sad too and I can now be present with her sadness and it will be less sad for both of us.

I knew something was up with Wendy as she seemed to be being stubborn. We went with she knows what she is doing. She was letting us know she is very sad about my daughter leaving and she wanted the rest of us to stop pretending we were not.

Of course being this close to Wendy also brought up some memories that need to be worked on. that is the way it is until we are done. Not totally new memroies we do not think.

Young Parts with Specific Purpose and Location

September 29, 2009

This was pretty much spontaneous writing:

We then started setting up bottles and breaking them with rocks. We got good at that to. Very good for pitching. Huck was the pitcher. He did not play short stop or second. Mikie played right field. Andy who I did not know about played second not he was shortstop. Brooks played third and Andrew played second. Harlem ran bases.
This was just the way I organized how to play. As far as the social stuff I was lost and could not keep track. Only Brooks and Andy were the only ones who did chatter.
I had forgot all of this. I am not sure I could remember the names again. I think that is already gone.

There are many more younger hosts than I knew. Summer hosts. It was pretty much a game we would do when alone. We played baseball alone. That works.
Jake the Snake ran the bases from first on. The switch was hitting the bag with our foot. We practiced that one.
I only pitched when you could not steal. I was good with men on base. Did not know they were there. There was a switch when my foot hit the ground after pitching. Then Andy took over until we got the ball back from the catcher or who ever.

This is Better

September 29, 2009

We are trying to wrap our arms around that the moment we knew of the abuse it was better. We then told some of it that afternoon to our therapist at the time and it was better.

It was not better for all of us. No blame at all. We kept going with it more on instinct than anything else. Part desperation as we needed change and wanted change.

We held on to hope that this would all be worth it. We now understand that for parts of us it was worth it all along. It is a matter of who is doing the measuring.

Defining Oneself as Traumatized

September 28, 2009

I am on a cusp. That happens now and again.

Lets take my art. Lets limit it to art that goes on paper. I can do it as a multiple. One likes to work in pen and ink as they see in gray scale. One likes to express by drafting. One uses color. One uses the computer to create geometric shapes etc.

So I want to present to the world as a multiple? It is a big hook. I think it is limited. I think there would be no coming back.

What I am working on now is called Portal. It is how my subconscious is separated from what I present. I think it should stand alone. With out the hook of being multiple.

I can not communicate what it is like for me to be multiple even to others who wear the tag.

Lets face it I so far am the only person I know that experienced MKULTRA. I am a male in a female dominated world. Most trauma is about sexual abuse. If I say I am processing trauma it is assumed it is sexual abuse.

I am a poly-multiple. Which means I kept creating separate personalities after age 10. It I kinda accepted that a person can not create personalities after age 7. I expect this to be generally true. I think I did as the trauma delayed my growth. Note I got taller by ¾ of an inch in therapy. That is just body tension.

I feel as separate from those who work on their trauma as those who have never seen a therapist or as close depending on how one wants to look at it.

If a painting does not bring the viewer to the work without explanation it is not art.

Dissociation

September 26, 2009

Dissociation is not related to be being multiple. I did not dissociate during the trauma. I was trying to safe my life.

Last night I learned how I go the gift of  dissociation. I was 5 and I decided to pray until everything was better not longer how long it took. I prayed until there were not words and I dissociated.  I dissociated as I was kneeling on my bed and I crawled under the covers and I was warm.

I crawl to be warm still when I can not take it anymore. I have done so since that day. It was the first day in my new house that I was to live in for 8 years. There was just a mattress. No other furniture.

I have crawled under trees and once a sign for a restaurant. It has been a while since I have woken up in the closet and longer still since I ended up outside in the snow.

Dissociation is related to the trauma I experienced. I know lots of people who dissociate and are not multiple. Many who claim to be multiple and are not.

Dissociation is a part of processing extreme trauma and I a going to stay away from people who want to teach me not to process extreme trauma.

Nothing is Wrong With ME

September 26, 2009

What would you say to a child that experienced what you have and they asked “What is wrong with me.” Would you tell them well you developed maladaptive behaviors, you dissociate, you don’t understand about relationships. Here take this pill. Go away I am busy. That just can’t be true.

There are tapes in you head that you need not to listen to. You need to live in the now and not dwell on what happened. What happened is not important now it is over. You have a disorder.

Now if you answered of course not than what would you tell a child that is going to keep experiencing what you experienced. That we all make our own bed and have to sleep in it, that you will give them something to cry about, that they need to pay attention, that they have nothing to cry about people have it much worse than they do, to not say bad things about those that are torturing you, to stop being so negative, that no body likes someone who is always unhappy, that this family would be great if only you would, that I will knock you into the middle of next week, to go away I can not deal with you, maybe you will straighten up if you go with out food for a while, that you will see how lucky you are when you get older, all you have to do is try harder, you are making life more difficult than it has to be. We are thinking of sending you away to military school. (That would have been the end as I was in a camp for MKULTRA.) Lucky I disappeared enough so that did not happen.That children are best seen and not heard.

If you answered of course not than I have a question.

What would you do if you had 44 children the oldest being 10 some of who do not talk, some that do not use words, some that have just found out about each other and have been through 7 years of doing trauma work and with the amount of trauma they experienced that is lightning fast.

If you are me you tell them anything. Other than I am going to try and create a world where I can listen and that I suck at it.  That it is going to be hard to do and I hope less hard to take. I do not have to ask for help it is freely given by them.

That I expect the Gypsy Dancer (therapist) to be there for us as best she can and yes I know she is not the boss of us.

Scared

September 26, 2009

We get scared now. We get really really scared now. Then we know we are scared and it kinda goes away instead of trying to find a way to stop feeling that way. Like there is an action we should be doing. Saying we are safe now is disrespectful to the feeling.

Logic tell us it is likely a pre-verbal fear. Does not matter.

New Terms

September 26, 2009

This is just the way I feel. I have never like the terms used to describe me such as alters, fragments, host, littles. parts etc. First they are terms which in my opinion are used to describe what singletons observe.

I may still use them to communicate as a matter of convenience and necessity.

I am going with “True Self” I will always  have persona’s. I do not act the presenting to a governmental body as I do when on the golf course. My multiplicity is an expression of my “True Self”  the 44 of us plus the persona’s want a different way to experience and express.

I have a sense this is not as new as it is new to me.

This is HUGE

September 25, 2009

I totally absolutely reject the mental health experts understanding of my multiplicity,  my PTSD, my brain which includes my brain and the effects of my Trauma. Why? It is wrong. I know better.

As far as what they know about other peoples Trauma I don’t have a lot of faith in what they expound. That is for others to decide.

Accepting that is not huge it is helpful. This can not be sloughed off with the statement “Everyone is different.”

What is huge is I accept that my therapists and my relationship is healing. I accept that my therapist can help.

I don’t know what my therapists understanding of  Trauma is, I won’t listen. I do not know if her understanding of Trauma is part of why our relationship is healing. I don’t think it matters to me.

I would at this point in time say that without my therapist I would not understand that “I” know more about me than anyone else.

On Doubting Memories and Being Multiple.

September 25, 2009

I seem to have less trouble with this than many people. I think I know why.

That I am multiple by luck was not questionable. You can’t see writing in a different handwriting and you do not know that you wrote it and you had to have written it and question being multiple.  Least I can not.

To be clear I can “ignore” the different writing and such all together.

I think the most bizarre one was when I looked at a drawing of a paper bag that my art teacher had hanging on her was and was thinking it was neat and my art teacher said it was mine.

I somehow figured out that if a part of me is out that did not experience other abuse than the other abuse is not going to seem real.

I somehow figured out that when a part comes out in therapy and others are not there or there that are not usually together than that will seem fake.