Archive for January, 2012

30 days

January 31, 2012

Being in what we are right now calling a cave when we were 10 in February for 30 days is very hard for us to deal with. Very very hard.

We have worked on it often. We always fail. In part as there is so much to it. Every time we get anywhere near it something always happens.  Just a matter of  needing a long long time. So it just go more and more confused.

All we can do now is not forget it.  No way can we keep up.

Immune System

January 30, 2012

To think that my immune system functions the same way it would with out trauma so severe it stunted by growth is fucking stupid.

It keeps getting activated as I do this work. It is a real pain.  It is like having a cold off and on. It is from the work. Or I get a cold for 10 or 15 min.

It is not a memory thing as in I was sick and almost died when a baby and that the other baby with me did die. It is just my reptilian brain thinks it needs to protect from infection. It is confused.

It is about giving it new experiences. We have done that a  lot in the last few years. We still lack the continuity so our reptilian brain trusts that we do not need our immune system to kick in. There is the thing where we did not listen so good to our reptilian brain.

We really need to reset our reptilian brain. There is kinda a plan to do the trauma first. We are closer and closer. I can not yet say every day. I can say every month. I think our reality is we have to go through until May. Our reptilian brain still things Feb March and April are going to be a horror. How could it not? Silly reptilian brain. 

Your Silly Ass Problems

January 30, 2012

This came to me when I read a few things on Faith’s blog. Can not remember who when or where.

Part of  it was can you have a deep relationship with out sharing about the abuse. Part of it is relationships are harder if you have experienced trauma.

I do think it makes a difference if there is a relationship  with a person and they choose to cause trauma. I do think it makes a difference if that is all the relationship is for to to abuse. This is not a worse than thing. Would you rather be raped on the street by a gang or your brother?

Anyway what I am finding is people really like to share bad experiences. They get something out of it. I do in the context of my therapeutic relationship. Here is the think. I do not really care if your tire keeps loosing air unless you want to do something about it or need help with knowing what to do. I will even put air in your tire and enjoy being helpful.

If your computer is not working or you want to make it run better I am all good with that. Just fucking complaining bores me.

With a few people not many and mostly my family there is my life is worse than yours it always was and I did better than you.

This is all working itself out for me. I pretty much am more willing to use my personal abilities to control. Pretty much I am more willing to force people to make choices.

Sounds harsh when I write it. It is not really as people have other choices. I am not in control of them. That is the difference.

I have a friend who wanted to process her trauma and yet wanted nothing to do with mine. That is not OK.  So I pretty much set it up so she does not talk about trauma. So she morphed into complaining about work. That is OK I will set it up so I do not have to listen to that. Here is the thing. I jump to trying to solve it.  I actually have told people is this one of those problems you want to have or one of the ones you want to try and solve.

Now it is different with different relationships.  Everything in my children’s life is important to me. They can complain all they want. Here is the thing. They do not much. Interesting is it not?

It is most pervasive right now with my mother. Every call and every visit is about how good or how bad her life is.  It is not the way she is with most people. I think it is here justifying over and over here selling me to the MKULTRA program.

The rest of my FOO are pretty much non-entities to me at this point. In a way the result of them making me a non-entity in the family. Yes it did hurt and sometimes it still does. It is not as bad as it was.

I do have people in my life that I enjoy spending time with. It is funny most of them want to do things go figure.

For me it really is the relationship and always has been. To be honest I have no more feeling when a honor student athlete dies than any one else. I really do not want to hear about it. Leave me out of that bullshit. I do not really care that Michael Jackson died. Now here is the thing if a person is sincere it does make a difference. Say some movie star dies and a person has memories connected to the movies they made. That I am all good with.

Anyway.  One dynamic of my life to stay away from all this bullshit is to be upbeat. Thing is that is not my job anymore. Sometimes I am not up for being funny.  I will always be pleasant and do not ask that anyone shares what I am going through.

This is all about personal power. Reality is when I walk into many rooms it changes the dynamic. I know other people who are like this. I am all good with that. I am no longer all good with having it be my job.

It really does work out with many people. I just need to hang with them more. It was easier when I hired everyone that worked with me. We used to have fun. We meaning they and I. Not all the time and there were issues.

There is a thing going on with some of my friends at the pool. I told someone I was sick of them calling me a liar.  I do not like that. Often it is just a case of I can not help it if you are boring and I am not. Anyway this has turned into a thing and I do not want to deal with it and am not going to. I do not care even what the outcome is. I just do not want to deal with it.

It is all working itself out.

I really do not like being co-opted. I expect to say often. “I just as soon not talk politics with you.” I will say this to government employees.

I know what is going on. I am processing the 30 days and listening to that asshole go on and on and on about his problems. I am a child held captive. I am not impressed. It was best for me to pretend interest and to keep him talking  politics.

Just so you know in person I am not dull like this. Except with my therapist. How she stands it I have no idea.

 

 

 

30 Days

January 30, 2012

We were held captive for thirty days as part of the MKULTRA program. We have a sense we were 10.

The goal of  the behavioral scientists that ran MKULTRA was to have us bond with the captor so he could come get us and then we could do a “mission” without all the expense and risk of having us go to a facility. It was also for protection. What it would do is leave a layer that had to be gone through to identify anyone in the program. Much of MKULTRA was that we would not remember and be resistant to torture. They just like the cults always were covering their bases.

The cults function for MKULTRA was to supply children to the program and to monitor the “sleeper agents.” The behavorial scientists in MKULTRA were very isolated and would not see the cults as cults. They kinda saw them as lesser people that just happened to exist. They looked at criminals in the same way. Pretty much cults did not fit into their level of understanding. Anymore than they do now.

A political note. Congress will pass a law very quickly that they can not profit from office. They will make much political hay with this. Here is the thing all you sheepele. What it does is make profiting from office now illegal which as a practical matter makes what they did legal before.

We are not really working on this 30 days. Well we are we are not doing anything proactive.

So let me get this straight. I did not remember these 30 days for the same reason some people lost track of time in a book? That is just plain fucked up.

We are a multiple we do not dissociate in any way that is meaningful.

So as we don’t work on this 30 days none of the other abuse happened. That happens if you are a multiple. We are not in denial. We are not repressing. The other abuse did not happen to the ones that are out now.  It will have once we have integrated.

This dynamic of the other abuse will have happened to all of us in the future is hard to deal with. It is a lot of information.

We are aware that this is a frame. We remember the baby that was sometimes with us in the hospital and then was with us in the cellar and they died first. That was a cult thing in coloration with the behavioral scientists. We do not think it was directed. Those in the cults know much more about personal control than the behavioral scientists.

The way the dynamic works is the behavioral scientists are OK with us being in the hospital in the dark except for the red light right after we are born as a way to have us further develop in a womb like condition. (As they see what the womb is like.) they are OK with dislocating limbs as that is seen as an asset to be double jointed. They are OK with moving babies around with other babies as a socialization thing. It is also possible that the behavioral scientists did not understand the effect of having different babies beside me and it just happened. They did sometimes talk to us when we were a baby and even called us by name. Whether this was just them being human, sloppy work, not understanding the protocol or just them thinking they were not really part of all this as they did not follow the rules I do not know.

So that is the front of the frame. After that we were in a cellar which is very much like when we were captive.

Knowing behavioral scientists as I do it is beyond belief they understood the connection between living in the cellar and being captive. They are just not that clever. Neither are the cults. In a way they do not need to be.

It is framed with an ending where I put a revolver to my head and pulled the trigger. No I was not killing myself I had done this many many many times. So many times that for me the act was in no way connected to my dying. It is tenuous this belief it will not kill me this time.  Conditions have to be right and even then it would not take much for me to doubt. This is what is called brainwashing. Not that complicated now is it.

That is the over all frame. We have not framed the 30 days yet. We do not want to as that is when the work will start in earnest. The memory of that time will come into our consciousnesses.

Right now we are in the middle and knowing some results.

We might have been 12. Or there might be something we are missing.

We stay away from making something up and hoping that works. It is weird as when we do use our imagination that is when the memories come. Last night we were trying to decide what we wanted to be and what we did not want to be. Like I would like to be a eastern cougar as they are extinct. That for some reason leads to memory work.

We need a hole in time for this. A big hole in time.

So world just so you know we are ready and always have been. We just needed to create a way to do it which we could not do alone.

It could be that we were 11 or it could be that earl the pearl was around during this time. Or worse it could be that earl the pearl is the psychopath that liked to kill.

It is all very very confused.

We go through this from time to time. It is part of or process. It is really caused by we have things in the now that need doing. By taking a break to do them it interrupts the processing.  This has happened often with this part of our life and each time it gets interrupted it is harder to do. It gets more confused.

Not our fault. It is not really anyone else’s fault. They do not understand they do not understand.

Enough Sun

January 29, 2012

It was sunny today and we were outside. It makes a huge difference. We do not have the sun on our skin and that is missing.

All memories do not come to me the same way.  We sometimes go through a phase where we know what memories are likely to be worked on next and do not work on them.

 

 

So the memories we are working on are very very confused and very pervasive in our life. IWe have tried and tried to get at them and every time we fail. We were somewhere with Earl the Pearl for 30 days. I know as he made a chart and crossed off the days. 6 across an 5 down.

We do not know where we were. We may have been underground. We know it was cold. We are pretty sure the concept was to bond to Earl as a contact and programmer. We have a sense that we were programmed to kill on of the older children in the MKULTRA program. What we remember is that the end of it was to take a revolver and put it to our head and pull the trigger. No first we loaded it. We could tell the shells were lighter than others. We have always had the ability to detect minute differences in weight.  Maybe not 0n shell. 6 of them we could.

That is as far as we can go right now. We have started this and it always gets left away. With the photos, the understanding of the sun and a mandela that we are working on we will not forget this time.

We went to draw this morning and found three drawing. Two of beds and one of a couch we used to sleep on when we were before three and 1/2 and when we were 7 thru 14 in the summer.

This is hard.

Major Breakthrough

January 28, 2012

Some of us do things then sleep. Some of us sleep then do things.

We pretty much until we were 4 slept in a cellar or closet. In the cellar and closet we did not get up unless we were gotten up usually for some horror.  Right before we moved there was a break for a week or two in the trauma and we had reason to believe it was over. We asked and no one we knew lived in the new town. Being out of the closet was a big deal to us and we were learning to socialize and find our way in the world. We started doing things then sleeping.

At least with the later MKULTRA facilities we did what we were told then went to sleep. Except when in solitary and a few times when they woke us up either as a group or just us we slept through the night. We were never woken up with cold water in the main sleeping area. There was a thing where they came in with guns and such shooting blanks and we were to not react. It was not all the time.

So one of the ways we stayed away from those that were from  the cellar and closet was to do things then sleep. That is why “structure” was so bad for us.  It was really telling some not to be.

It is of course not as cut and dry as it sounds in print. It is very very pervasive and important. We have no clue what to do about it.

It is a bright sunny day that helps allot.

Those that do things then sleep have had the most time in the world and are most used to the world. They are the ones that are really needed to make it so we can do the work of therapy. They have never really got all of this and it has been hard on them. Pretty much the non-structure was telling them not to be.

Not we need no learning about being spontaneous.

This work is all getting more an more about the now. How we did things before is less of an issue. The reason is we have processed.

 

So

January 28, 2012

It is a day after therapy. 

We woke up and we did not know if it was morning or night. Yes we could have figured it out. It always pisses me off when I have a problem and people offer a solution to a problem I do not have.  Here is the thing. If I figured it out I still would not know. I would not know until the sun came up then my reptilian brain would know. 

I see owls on some cloudy days when it starts to get light. I always look for them. I wonder if they do not know if it is morning at night. Perhaps next time I see one I can ask.

So we hung around and waited for the dawn. Once the dawn comes I still do not know if it was m0ring or night when I did not know it just no longer matters. 

Some are with our therapist right now. We are torn in many directions. One is to go get them. Others want to be shipped to her. Having been crated up many times others of us are not so all OK with this concept. 

I do not lose time nor do I avoid the feeling of having lost time. One of us always knows which may be the problem. The not letting ourselves go where there is not point in time. Perhaps it happens only in sleep. 

The not knowing if it is morning or night was not just an in convenience for us. 

Break. I do not spell very well. Here is the thing spell check does not always work. You know what. Google’s superior algorithmic method always works. I spell more like that algorithmic method  than what ever anyone else is using. 

Another break. There are extreme memory competitions. Those in those competitions memorize many decks of cards. I saw some idiot who studies memory explain how it is done. Actually he said they were looking for the different algorithm that is used to remember all these decks of cards. He is an idiot as there is not algorithmic method for him to find. He is like the expert astronomy expert  of old who does not know the earth goes around the sun. Knowing the earth goes around the sun is not the same as knowing the sun does not go around the earth.  

Anyway one way the people memorize all these cards is by making up a story. 

OK it is coming to me now. At the MKULTRA facility there was much memory training so in theory I could memorize codes and such. I think it was done with some sort of journey thing. 

Pretty much the big thing is the confusion. There was also memory training with the cult programmer. 

So that was not much of a break. Smile. 

With the others at our therapists we feel kinda empty and in a way it is a relief. A kinda vacation from the work. 

 

 

Pacing

January 27, 2012

To all that can assure me some people can pace memory work. I need to know the trauma they experienced before I am assured. Until that occurs I do not find it credible that anyone ever has.

That being said we are now pacing. Least we think so. Part of it is some are with our therapist. Two more are going to be mailed to her. I do not know how this works. It is not my end of it. Some and our therapist seem to understand. I do not have to at this point.

Leaving them there and mailing two to her does have an effect on me. I just do not understand how  it works. It is hard on us.

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We are to beat up to continue and we need to rest and do some things in the now. We can see barriers (NOT DISSOCIATION) and we start to have the memories and have to get up to stop them from coming. Before this would cause a crash and is really really hard on us.

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We are getting casual in our conversation and writing in that we are not overly concerned that people do no have the context to at all understand MKULTRA and multiplicity. It s not unlike saying the pentagon of snowflakes was really apparent in that storm and not knowing some people do not have the chemistry understanding of  H2O and how it bonds to understand. Pretty much we come of arrogant.  We are not in a real way we figure if we have any understanding than it must be simple. That and we are very very tired and beat up. We commented about how we were transported in a coma in the MKULTRA program as a good example and we should have looked for a different one. People do not have the context to understand. Not a slam I did not most of my life.

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Update on the tanning booth. It is a good thing. It does make more work possible which is a disappointment. Our life had been anything that we do that is good for us means we can do more work.

I May be Done with This Part

January 26, 2012

I have never been successful with expressing that all trauma is not the same. I now know that no trauma is the same. It is built experience by experience including non-traumatic ones.

I feel right now that I do not want to try and express this anymore. There seems to be a block where people can only hear worse and can not hear different.

With professionals that they can not hear different makes it harder to stay away from help that is not helpful for all experiences.

I do not really worry about what my therapist is doing. I expect that she is doing psychoanalysis and expressive therapy and what ever else I come up with. In the context of a therapeutic relationship. She knows her ethics. Not as well as I do. Few do.

I over the last few days have processed the coming back from weeks at a MKULTRA facility. Here is the thing. Coming back was worse than being there. Living in a cellar was worse. All deaths were worse. The concept that all trauma is the same made all processing harder.

I can state that if you have ritual abuse in your background you are more likly to have unhelpful therapy. I can state that if you were in MKULTRA and had to deal with cults you are more likly to have unhelpful therapy.

I can state it is harder for a male to get any kinda of help at all.

So did I say that it is worse to be male? NO

Did I say it was worse to be in MKULKTRA and the cults? NO

Is cognitive behavioral therapy applicable to anyone who has had trauma designed by cognative behavioral therapisats. Not in my opinion and unless you have experienced cognative behavioral trauma designed by cognative behavioral therapists or have successfully treated someone who has I do not find you opinion more credible than mine.

Please spare me well we are all different or what works for one person may not for another.

Although pissed off right now that is not my passion. My passion is someone else who has had trauma designed by behavioral scientist will hear me and they my look in some other direction.

Note I am also working on my Continuing Education Units. And those people are arrogant allos.

Accepting your limitations

January 26, 2012

This is hard for me. For me to accept that your limitations are the same as mine impossible.

Now here is the thing. I really do not like it when you ascribe limitations that you have to me. I really really do not like it and that is why I get angry.

What it feels like is that you are using me. Dragging me into what limits you. In a real way I want to drag you out our your limitations so that I am not limited. Does not work.

I am not a all you have to do is have a positive attitude person. It seems to me that positive attitudes c0me from positive experiences.  Delusions come from selective processing of experiences be it limited ability or character. Delusions seem to also come from projecting. If a person goes to college and thinks they are better off because they have than they assume it is intrinsically a good thing and therefore will be for everyone.

The US is number one in education in one category. Confidence. It is not justified other than past experiences. It is folly.

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“Stuff” is coming to us from all angles. There is the normal healing of the brain so information is now available that was not. We are noticing things like we might say many times in a day “We spent a lot of time in the woods.” this was leading to the MKULTRA marine facility.

We were Santa one year and it was great. We had a list of the children and something about them on the list. Say they got a puppy last year we would know that and ask about it. We knew all their names. Next year when asked we freaked. We were at a ceremony and bells were given as gifts designating what could be done to the child. Mine were black. Not good. Nor was that there were three. They were tied to our genitals, the females had them inserted. Then we were all but in a meat locker. In my life this time was not that bad which makes it hard in a way.

It is getting easier and easier to process this stuff. Much does not even need to be written. The deaths are the hardest for us.

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Some one used the term dog and pony show. This has a different meaning to us than most people. We are getting more OK with dealing with both meanings.  As a multiple we all have different meanings for things. As we integrate this is less and less of an issue.

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So do day we need to do stuff. It is going to be hard. It is one of those things that will be better when done. We used to have this thing where we thought ourselves crazy for not doing such things and getting them over with. We now know what we were doing when we made the decision not to get these things done and that makes it easier. Before therapy we were the best that we knew at not putting things off. Reality is we are still good we are just doing the work of growth.

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Having the understanding that we do about the MKULTRA facilities is very confusing. It is means much work. It is a weight lifted which causes the work and makes it possible.