Archive for January, 2014

In-between Sleeps.

January 30, 2014

This is a in between sleeps that we have been skipping. Not able to is why.

We do not know when chronologically or in relation to other horrors. At some point everyone was dead. By this what is meant is all those we loved from the association with the traffickers from MKULTRA had been killed. It was the second time we had been thought this. When my twin sister, my brother and Page had been killed was similar. I was the only one left.

It happened again when Molly and her baby were killed.

It seems we spent a summer after everyone was killed in a time of less trauma. This makes sense.

When we say goodbye to Mamma’s baby we in a real way have to say good bye to everyone else all over again. Not really it just feels that way.

It sounds harsh. It is different when people are killed that are not part of your life.

Mamma’s oldest boy was killed when I was 12. I did not know him that well and he was not part of my life.


We had this hypothesis. That when someone makes positive changes in their life and it really on the outside. the reason they stop is they come up against something on the inside they have yet to express.

It obviously started as wondering about us. It may have some merit on its own. There are certainly many people that seem to make changes and they much be on the outside and they are not real change. In a way the positive changes make dealing with things possible yet not making the change. Now it may be something in then now that can not be handled. Say a person exercises regularly in a gym for a year and then their membership comes up and they do not have the money, the gym closes, there are idiots at the gym, they lose their job. Whatever. They stop working out.  I used a year to eliminate the over training that causes most exercise programs to fail. It seems like what happened is the things in the now got in the way. it might just be the change was not on the inside.


I am not a fan of positive affirmations nor those that think they work. I am not a fan of the positive affirmations as they do not work for me. I do not like those that think they work as they do not seem to get anywhere. Well it is not that I do not like the people I just do not like their results.

Anyway we are up against being over trained, a tad dehydrated and we are up against something we have never had to deal with before.  We have never had to deal with these three times where everyone we loved from a group had been killed. We are a multiple so that it was separate for us and will stay that way until we say good-bye to Mamma’s baby.

Being multiple is limited. It or us was not like everyone we loved or was part of out life was killed. We do not know what that is like. Mamma does other than we were not killed.

Today needs to be a day of recovery. We do need to rest. We go to the airport tomorrow at midnight. It is no big deal now where before this type of interruption could take weeks to recover. Seeing someone we love is not an interruption it is the sleep disruption we are writing of.

Our hair is at critical mass. If we do not comb it out we will have t cut it off.

We are going to breakfast and then we are going to sleep. Then we will figure out our hair and getting sun. It is supposed to be very warm this afternoon 24 degrees. That will happen about 2:00. Be nice to get out in our shorts. We have Zumba Friday and it will be good data if we go. Then we have the clouds and we go to the airport. The person we love will be here until Monday morning. When we take her back to the airport. Monday morning is a early morning. Pretty much it is gong to be a total regroup sometime after mon.

We have eaten and are going back to sleep. When we get up we are going to eat again and then get dressed real warm and go out in the sun. We are running out of space to do our snow drawings. We are going to do thumbnail sketches.


We had laid down and we had slept. We were going to get dressed warmly and go to the track and do drawings in the snow. Nothing specific just figuring some things out.

Some did not want to go. What we usually do is in a way force them to go and in doing so then they can not be. We laid back down and then very very slowly got ready to go. This was no issue as it is going to be sunny all day and this day is for healing. It was going to be about recovery but that would leave some away. We just took it real slow and did not force things.

We went to the track and did some drawings in the snow. Here is the thing. It was not as much fun as if we had snapped to and gone. Some that are very hurt were there and it could be seen as they made it not as much fun if we wanted to do the blame thing.

Now we are back and we are going to sleep again. We did take some images of out snow rose. it is very very hard to photograph. We are going to try and edit it and bring out the blue. It really looks cool in person.

One thing we developed long ago was when some were out and did not want to do much we would say well we are going to do this and if we are not glad we did than we will not go next time. As an example. Say we did not want to go swimming. We would say we will go and if we are not glad we did than we were not go next time. It works. It is the mind over matter thing. What really happens is some do not get to go swimming and that is why we are glad we went. If they had gone we would not be glad we went as they would still be hurt.

It is hard to explain without seeming to blame. We don’t bring the ones that are depressed would be accepted. It is not reality. It is we leave those that are hurt away and somehow expect them to heal by others having fun. It is pretty much what is believed to be true. Some people just go with well you are depressed live with it. That is the coping crowd.

Admittedly this is very very hard to do. It is kinda go have not as good time as a goal. That is not what it is. It is accepting the reality that we are sad.

Our card reader for out camera is wore out so we can not download our images of out snow rose.


Now if we stay with those that are hurt and do not over ride them than things do get better for all of us. It is a slow slow process and takes much time.

I could describe it as staying present. Some are really really sad and if we do not stay with them than they can not heal. Or actually they have to be. They have to be listened to when they say they do not want to do anything. It is kinda like others say. OK than we will. Not being mean.

This is different in that it is not getting out of the way and letting some be sad about a particular thing that we all at the time know about. They are sad and they have a sad body. Reality is if we let them be than we inherited a sad body and we could not function.

It is in part about letting them breathe. This is hard as our reptilian brain starts to breathe as if we were the size of them and this big body hyperventilates. Doing yoga totally keeps them away as they need to be sad.

Now we do kinda want to go get a new card reader. They are only about $8.00 We need to sleep first and then they may not want to go and that is Ok. We may not want to go out in the sun again and that is OK also. It might mean the next few days are hard for some of us. That is just the way it is.

Some of us know that we have made a huge step and are ready to go. It is a matter of going with what the ones that are sad right now want that they can have. They want to hold Mamma’s baby again and they do not want her to be dead.


We slept and slept well. The sun had set and so we did not make our two sun things planned.  NO that is not right. We went to get a card reader and get money. We did not find a card reader. We had used up all our sun energy sleeping. We got the need for chocolate than we ate than we slept. We woke up and went to the track even though the sun was down. We figured like the lake maybe the snow had stored some sun energy. Last time we were at the track we make a square as a frame.  We worked on the inside of the frame. We then used out Nordic Waling pole to make designs.

The being sun deprived is not only very hard for us when it going on it break our continuity of healing. To be clear we can be sun deprived in the middle of the summer.

The lake where we built our house which we sold emptied into a river. It flows south to north. With this cold the north end is freezing and is causing a ice dam. Least that is what the Army corp is saying that it might. Could be some student read about glaciers and applied it to this river. I have never head of this type of dam in this area. It is also called a bottom freeze sometimes. Anyway that is kinda how we feel our memory work is going right now. Not horrible but not a lot of fun.

So tomorrow is the day we go to the airport at midnight.

We might try a video to see if we can capture the work in the snow. We are about out of surface and have most of a soccer field covered. It does not take that long when you use your feet.

We are Ok with all of this and see it as a huge help.

It would be a good question to ask why the hell do we not just move to where there is sun. We are not going to try and find another therapist is one reason why. The other is because of out connections and certifications this is the best place for us to make money in a way that works with our healing.

So it feels like we got some energy from being out in the snow. Lets face it what child does not sleep better swimming and being outside. Good guess that adults are the same way they just do not know it.

So we were coming back from the track and we almost checked with the person we love to see if we were going to see them sat. We had the idea we could ask the person who wants open studio if they wanted to go glass work on sat. We would get free torch time. That would have been a bad idea. Reality is that we had to just do things or we would just not do anything.

It feels right now that being sun deprived was always there for us. We knew no matter how hard we worked that we would lose our continuity. This was well before therapy it was out whole life. We never knew that it was. It always came. It seems there was no way we could have discovered this with out processing.

I love making people that have to be on the phone to like tech support laugh. They are actually an easy crowd. Telemarketers I hang up on. I am not going to buy anything so I do not waste there time. I tell them that and hang up. I do it as nicely as I can. I say good luck.

Just as it was huge for us to know that if we left here and got into the sun we would be OK and that if we made it to spring we knew enough to get sun we would not lose a whole summer it is huge that we are able to work out getting sun the way we are.


January 29, 2014

We are not sure about what is going on. It is intense and is not about processing or not processing trauma.

We went to Zumba and it was fun. It is a real help to have the mirror.

We knew we were not going to be able to come home and sleep so we ate. We then tried to sleep and that was not happening. It is a bright sunny day out 8 degrees. We went to the track and wore shorts.  It was fine. Not sure if it would be if there was a wind. Tried to get some photos of out snow rose. Our camera was with out battery for a long time and so all the settings were erased. We by accident set the language to one I do not even know what it is. That sucks. We are going to have to let the memory erase again. We did figure that out.

We made some designs in the snow and that was fun. We really have no idea what we should be doing.

When I first had the memories come into my consciousness my therapist checked my records and I had said to all therapists. Something happened to me in the 4th grade. We do not think it is a specific act of horror. We think now we got enough sun we changed.

The only thing keeping us from totally starting a new group is our relationship with our therapist. We are going to try and sleep.

We slept for three hours.

We do not understand.

It might be that our body deprived of sunlight as a child grew differently. I really do not have an answer. We are going to keep on with this sleeping thing. We can tell that changes are happening. It is not definable. On the one hand we have been doing this sleeping thing for years. We really were that hurt. It is not just the trauma. The years on meds not only stopped all healing it all so hurt our body and our soul. It surly hurt our brain.

It was and is a day after therapy.


We so think that the Zumba was perhaps to much and it might have been better to get sun twice. This does not mean we are not glad we went. It is all about discovery at this point.

So there is tomorrow. We are going to the pool and think about it. First lets think if the pool is best. Tomorrow is Thur so we can go to the pool. It will be important no matter what to go tomorrow. We do not think we need to go to night to sleep. We do not need the exercise having done the Zumba and the walking. We did do some Nordic Walking. Pretty much just enough to get our brain with it.

It is like when we do no have enough sun we need a lot of sleep. When we then again get enough sun we need a lot of sleep when we do and then when we have enough sun we process and need a lot of sleep. Actually that is pretty much it. There are other things that are needed of course. Thing is with out the sun and sleep non of it really matters.

We do look at are we just really really good as avoiding. We look at are we just lazy. We look at are we really what they call depressed. Might be.  The only proof will be that we do not need to do it anymore and it become a point where it is self defeating.

The sun is gong to be out all day tomorrow.  So those that are out figure it would be a good idea to get sun twice. Especially since the sun will be blocked for 5 days after that. The best data about the is total hours. Percentages that we have found do not take into account that the sun is not out. Solar gain maps are done yearly. Humans get left out in the studies.

The way it works her is starting in October the amount of sun really drops. It does not get back to September amounts until March. They way it is experienced is that October seems OK as you still have energy from the summer.  March does not seem OK as you have no sun energy stored. Actually it is more about the body adjusting to not having sun. It feels like it is historical to us. I am betting it is not really. Well actually it is a combination of what is expected to happen and what does happen. We had a real cloudy spring a few years back and it was hard on us.

So we need to decide on swimming. We need to leave if we are going to go. I am not sure we can even get data.

We pretty much bolted to swimming.

Sometime last summer we started to run just a bit. We have been getting more and more sun deprived since then. Reality is we are able to do what it takes to get sun now as we are not processing.

This is still much better than before.

It seems ok not to set the next day. It is a day by day thing and may not be OK later. We want to try and get sun and sleep twice.

We are glad we did not get the job at the ski area. With the job we got things worked out better.



January 28, 2014

We slept. We woke up tired. No way were are we going to go to therapy and get sun as it is cold. We will be lucky to get it together enough to get groceries and put them away so when we sleep after therapy and wake up very hungry we do not have to expend lots of energy finding food. That is as far as we can see.

Here is the thing. We are multiple. We can make all the above happen. The ones that are out now need to be pushed aside to have these things happen. Those that are out know what they need to do. It makes them sad. They feel like a failure. It is very hard is what it is. Thing is those that can not go to therapy know a hard that is really unfathomable.

We have to watch it. Our emotions are raw right now. It can get so obvious that people who do not even know us come up to us and ask if we are OK. I was in a restaurant waiting for my take out order. I woman came up to me and said my daughter wants to talk to you she his worried about you. I said that would be fine. The girl about 10 came up to be and said. “You are sad.” I smiled and said “Yes I miss my daughters very much.” She said “Oh” and she left.


We are back from therapy. We get now that when we are out of sun energy and go to therapy it feels to some of us like there is not point to it. We then come home and sleep and so we figure we must have done hard work. We went to therapy after we had protected therapy in that we had food ready to go. We even thought of just going late as there was not much we could do sun deprived. We did work on getting back to the tired that we had when we got up.

We came home and slept. There is always the danger that something will happen to mess us up. A phone call a person with road rage or something. Nothing for it. Nothing messed us up. We slept knowing that we were to tired to get any sun energy. We work up and ate and the sun was out. We could have got up for it and gone out in the sun. We could have walked for miles and miles. We could not get sun energy. We think this is really moving things up. We thing this happens in the spring usually. We went back to sleep. We did stand in the sun for a bit before we slept. Pretty much got as much sun energy that was possible for us physically. We were as OK as we could be knowing that we might sleep till dark and that the clouds would likely come in. There was nothing we could do other than sleep or come up out of it and push through which contrary to what is thought about healing from trauma is counter counter productive.

So we got up after sleeping again and we knew we could get some sun if things went well. We went to the track and we drew a flower by walking in the snow. We are getting pretty good with the drawing with our feet in that we can hold a line and correct it. We are thinking of doing and endless staircase and see how that looks. The thing with drawing on a flat surface is it only looks 3-D from one angel. So you have to draw it that way. You do need some height of the viewer due to how large it is. It is more fun that going around in circles on the track. There is not any erasing with walking in the snow.

We are thinking of going to the movies. Lots of movies we just can not get into. Any spy movie is sill to us. We like the ones that are just really silly. Like anchorman II and those type. Any thing with the mafia or such we see it as stupid. They are all just assholes. There is no glamour.

So we bolted to go see a cartoon. It was close with time and we forgot out phone so that is not happening. That is the way it goes. We go to a theater that is exactly 3/4 of an hour away as when we are out it and want to go to a movie we cannot do the math.

What is going on is we are steadily going down hill and what is right now is not minutes later. It is a matter of catching something.

OK eating just became a must do right now thing. We are going to eat and then go for a swim. We are not in any danger of crashing or anything it is a matter of how messed up we get.

OK we ate and went to the hot tub-sauna-pool. We seem to be OK. Tomorrow is going to be sunny. We are treating tomorrow as a day after therapy and the important thing is to get sun. We would like more data from going to Zumba. It is a risk it is not as much of a risk as monday was.

It was a bad move to try the sauna. It was nice to stretch and all. It is a dry sauna and it is bothering our breathing. It is very dry in NH this time of year. We have a humidifier and put about 2 gal a day in the air in a small room. We have forced hot air.

In a weird one out hamstrings are sore. They have never ever been sore before other than from cramps. No amount of massage, potassium and water has ever stopped these cramps. They seem to have gone away and it is somehow related to the processing. Muscles cramps have no known cause. There is one cause with the build up a lactic acid and it is wrongly applied to all muscle cramps.

We are on hold with having memories come into consciousness. We know that for what it is and know not to take off. We can only make things better for when the memories do come. Some are afraid we will never get back to them. That is not going to happen. There may be some mistakes and such.

We are caught up and it has been a while since that has happened.


We have changed

January 27, 2014

There is no real way to define the change. We like it better. Funny thing there is no obvious advantage to the world however they do notice.

The memories did not come. They are coming. We were very very sad. It is so weird as a multiple it is really like someone else was sad and we just vaguely know they were sad.

Our understanding of what is needed for exercise for healing is holding true. We are now in discovery which we now understand is much about dong what we knew we needed and was not possible. In a way it came about from being in Zumbamat and looking out the window. In school we would look out the window and know we needed to be outside.

It is funny we are thinking we wrote something just because we thought it. Kinda the opposite of spontaneous writing.

Hard dynamic to know that processing the death of Mamma’s baby is more fun. What that really means is we have found a way to have others grieve and then the rest of us have fun. Kinda always been that way. Even though it is still separate and we expect it will be until we experience a soul retrieval.

That is interesting. What we were going to write is we are going to Zumbamat that is what we thought we had written and had not. That is because some will not be going. To get to Zumbamat we need to switch and how we do that will determine who goes. If we run out the door some with go, if we dress now others will go, if we wear our Ecuador hat others will go. It is not really all hard and fast it is a kinda preference thing or more likely thing. Hard to explain. If we blur the lines than that kinda allows others to go that otherwise might not. Impossible to explain.

There is not one of us that does anything. We are groups.

So we need to decide if we are going to go. It is not for a few hours so we can make a guess at what is best. It will be best that we come home and sleep afterwards. That is a known. We know we need to eat before we go or some will have no chance of going. It no longer seems to work that is we do eat than some can not go.

We have always had a thing with not eating. Best example is we do not eat before we present at a planning board. It keeps our mind sharp.

So what is known and it tool some work for others as we are writing is that we need to prepare for therapy. Not so much that it creates pressure to preform well. Therapy is tomorrow at 9.  Seeing into the future someday we will go the therapy and then get sun right after and that will be OK. More in the future is we go to therapy and then we do not need to sleep as we will process in our night sleep. That may never be best it might be OK. Predicting the future is easy it is the accuracy thing that is hard.

We are splitting up very rapidly back and forth. This can be a huge issue and lead to where we do not know who or where we are. It is not anywhere near that.

The Zumbamat will be discovery. No one in the room will be able to understand that. It is a risk in that we may not get enough sun for a bit. We are going to take the risk and part of the reason is to not have therapy as intense.

One thing is that we have paid for the next three classes and would like to know if we are going to pay or the next month. We need data. We have to get our head right to get data. The way it works is this data is time sensitive. What is true for now is not going to be true later. There is not sense in going to see if we might want to do it the month after next the data we get now will not be applicable then. We are correct on this.

We know we are not going to abandon the walking in the sun or the Nordic walking. We do think we need to be with some people that are not job related.

This is really about a diversion to make therapy less intense. Part of the dynamic is someone we love is flying in on Friday night and leaving on Monday morning. They come in late and leave early and we will be taking them to the airport.

We need to make a decision on Zumbamat now. If we do not then we will eat and want to sleep as we are between sleeps. That probably would be best as far as processing goes. As far as processing and dealing with the world it is probably not best.

OK we think we have it. Some are afraid that getting enough sun the way we are dong it now is going to get messed up. This even a few days ago would be about getting back to this feeling. Before it would have been about structure to try and guess about the sun.

Part of this is we know we are not going to get done what wants to be done today and so we are deciding what to leave out. In a way we want to push not getting sun to see what happens. More data.

As we write this we are slowly getting ready to go to Zumba. We are staying away from the snapping to and just going.

Part of it we have not been in a while and will have to deal with the where have you been. Can’t really tell the truth. Time to eat.  Eaten.

We are going to Zumbamat. We will not do the mat if we have the stitch in the side thing. We expect now we know on a different level that it is tied into breathing we will not have an issue.

We are not committing to going all three time this week. Reality is if we do not go all three times than we will not get useful data.

We can not go to Zumbamat next Monday as we are going to the airport.

It is not a big deal to us now to go to the airport at midnight. It never was before we started therapy and now it is not an issue for a different reason.

One error that we would have made before is do something like Nordic Walk to and from Zumba. Not a bad idea itself just now what is needed.

We are starting to go through the being happy thing. MUST STOP. Just kidding. We will go through a little bit of the being all wound up thing.

We will come home and got to sleep. Who knows how we will wake up. We want to stay away from the piggy backing thing. If we go to the restaurant we do not want to then go to the grocery store. It is best right now to come home and regroup.

We are pretty sure we are done with the tanning booth. It was a good way to get to here. It is nice to know about it in case we have a non enough sun emergency. It would be wrong to use it as a method.

There is a woman in Ecuador. She is about 26. Here is the thing. There is also a guy in Ecuador my age. He thinks we are in competition for this woman’s affection. She is 26 so it is silly. What is more silly should he and I ever be in competition  for anything he is going to lose. Unless it is about out spending. Out spending is an advantage for things that I do not value.

We checked our propane used for heating. We should be OK for the rest of the year.

We are getting excited about Zumbamat. We think we are going to find we are in better physical shape than when the break form Zumbamat started due to the holiday and the new studio. We are not sure about the core. That could go either way.

Time to go. We will have the feeling of being tired and will need to get back to that. That feeling will come before we get there.


Back from Zumbamat. We blew it afterwards by not coming home and sleeping. We are going to pick up from when we left Zumbamat till we did sleep and then go back. We were energized by the Zumbamat and went for a little ride. Not a we just wandered in our car we were trying to figure things out. Well I guess that is what we are always doing when we wander in our car.

We were wound up and wanted to remember what happened in Zumbamat and figured if we slept we would forget which is a possibility. We then knew we were hungry and we had dropped the ball. We ate and came home and surprisingly to us fell asleep. Things is all of us did not get to sleep so we are OFF now. Least we know not to search for one of us that can get something done.

So we went to Zumbamat and we knew different ones were going. We forgot our mat and has to use one from the studio. That was weird as the pattern on the mat surface was an optical illusion when we were no eyed dominant.

We are going to be able to go to sleep after we write this we are pretty sure. We have got back to that tired place.

It was fun to see the people again and we did joke around. When the instructor asked if there was anyone brand new we raised out hand and it was not a joke. There were fox tracks in the snow outside of the studio. Just saying. We were in better shape than before we took the break other than the core work. We are not yet sure that core work is that legitimate. We are still working that out. It seems only good for do that work. That has no value. It was more intense in someways than the Nordic Walking and in some ways less.

While doing it we saw the Zumbamat as a nice compliment to our other work. Right now not so much as we are not going to get any sun.

Somewhere along the line we figured it out. What happened with everything is as the sun was out less and less we did adjust to it and we have been sun deprived for a few months. Just for us given the time of year it was not as bad a normal so we thought we were good. Hard to believe we missed that in a way and in another way it makes sense.

So now we are flat out sick. That happens when you make a miss like this. It is about discover and that means lots of mistakes.

We do thing that we will discover a way to do the Zumbamat and the Nordic walking. We are saying that as it did work when there was enough sun out.

That being said the goal has to be sun first. We are going to the tanning booth now just to get data. To see if it makes a difference. Right now we do not want to go as it does not seem beneficial. Might just be the last time it was kinda a waste and that might be as we were to far gone and not far enough gone.


OK we went to the tanning booth. Two things of importance. We are evaluating our sun energy based on this time of year for us for the least decade. Makes sense.  Other thing is our body is using sun energy differently. The Zumbamat is using up sun energy in a different way.

Very much our body is not acting the same. It is not creating adrenaline and all that goes with that in the same way. It starts to and then it does not.

There is much about false energy that we used to use. Pretty much our body developed for short spurts of energy and long long hardship.

We almost did not go to the tanning booth.  It is not what we need what we need is sun energy.

We do wonder if the being outside in full winter gear is a false energy or it is just so much better than nothing we see it as good or that we are just evaluating on what is good for us compared to the last decade.

We are not discouraged we are in discovery and that is always hard.

It is going to be a slog for a bit. There will be sun tomorrow it is going to be very windy. That will be new with our new plan. We are looking forward to it.


OK just a little fantasy time. We will likely sometime next month be able to get out of here and into the sun. Here is the thing. Right now we want to beat in while staying here. Does not mean we might not want to get out of here next winter. We do not see a get out of here for a month as being what we need. We are not at least no up for going to Kenya.

We now are going to sleep. We do need to have food on the ready before we go to therapy. That should be doable.

We figured out that physical activity needs to be about not suppressing or activating the adrenaline response. We just figured out suppressing or activating the adrenaline response is the easy way and that is why it is done and seen to be healing.  That makes sense and makes perfect sense why there are so many Yoga and aerobic instructors that are PTSD. It is important to know that it is easier to do things the conventional way and what most people believe to be needed. Actually we did until it failed after 4 years of trying. Maybe it always fails we do not care. It helps with the blame thing. We always knew the way most people thought we should approach it was wrong now we can state what is needed and why what they recommend is wrong.

As I said we messed up. We do not know now if we should sleep or keep going. One thing that really does not work is to set the alarm and get some sleep.

We are going to sleep and see what happens.

Laid down I have no idea if we slept. We went to the ho tub and I was surprised we went in the pool. We did some stretches that felt good. That may become the only way we stretch. Not limit how we stretch but only stretch to the point it feels good.

So this is what we figured out. Doing the Zumbamat is now healing and more than just getting stronger and trying to feel less worse. Therefore we use up our sun energy. Go figure. It is actually pretty important.

So we have to get groceries in the morning and go to the bank. It would be real better if we come home and put the grocries away. That means we have to get going in the morning.

We checked on SC as far as getting sun and we can do it for 7 days for about 500 for flight and hotel. It is off season and there would be no swimming in the ocean. Cool thing is you can rent a moped so you are not with out transportation. That gets old in a place not set up for it. Doubt you can get a taxi there for 2.00 like in Ecuador.

So it was a good day of discovery. We understand more how we just adjust to not having enough sun and all it causes and how we also when we have sun try to process and fail as we do not have the energy. We do lots of things to combat the not enough sun that we have always done. We pretty much adjust and try and get enough sun. Knowing about the sun makes a huge huge difference. We are sun deprive right now and know it. We can if we have to hang on till spring. Much better knowing the cause. As always getting sun does nothing it just makes things possible that are not with out it.

New Concept

January 26, 2014

We slept.  This is really really going well. Especially considering the weather. Really well and we have no indications that we are going to get blindsided by memories. We still need to pay attention.

At least to me. And is really articulating. Being honest the having to write for the job we have doing has sprung back part of my brain that distills to the minimum. We stayed away from that for a long time as it was to easy to leave things away.

OPPs we made an error in our calculations of our labyrinth. Something did not make sense to us. We had the radius at 60 yards not the diameter. It is a mile not 1.8

We used to get sick twice a year when the seasons changed. It was always expected and it was always really bad. I pretty much was three days at least of being totally out of it. It once developed into bronchitis and the last time it was part of our hematoma thing. We feel that with out understanding of the sun and our methods we have our twice a year being sick best. That is huge.

Oh the new concept. It is kinda like staying with it which is not staying present if staying present means not feeling, thinking and experiencing what you are when it has its roots in the past. It is right now called getting back to it. We were nervous and sick before we went to get sun because we were afraid we were going to get enough sun to have memories come into our consciousness and not enough sun energy to deal with it. We were also nervous that we were going to do the walking in a way that would be prescribed. Pretty much go out and get good exercise and push or the opposite and just go out and be one with nature all is well bla bla bla.

We needed to go walking do what came to us and then come back and get to that feeling. They way it works if done correctly is you can not really get back to it and that is part of processing that sort of thing.  It is not the “see that was not that bad was it.” thing. That is to be avoided.

So Zumbamat is not the important thing anymore. We are not sure on the pool yet. We are OK with not being able to go tonight. Might not be if we were not going to the big town.  We will have to check about the Zumbamat to make sure and it may now be something totally different. We have paid for the next three classes and it would be nice to take all of them. Maybe a little bit at the expense of the pole walking. Not at the expense of getting sun. It will be cool to see the Zumbamat is hard for us now as we have not been doing it. The only caveat is that if we start to cramp up with the mat work we need to stop as that could start the hematoma thing.

We are sure now that the hematoma thing is caused by the stitch in the side thing. We think it is aggravated by not having enough sun.

So now we can get ready to do the pole walking thing. We have with purpose taken it slow to see what is needed. Now we can get our gear all together so it is simple to go. If you are going wear boots out in the cold you must dry them out each time and never wear the boots two days in a row as no matter what you do you can not dry them out. Same with gloves ect. It takes more than a day unless you put them in the dryer. Well actually I am going with when I worked outside which meant they only had 12 hours to dry if that.

We are having fun in a different way. Freer some how. Happier in a way we have never been before. Could be it is just a lull and even if that is the case it is an improvement. We know we still have work to do.


It is the next day. I am writing here as our feeling of happiness is gone and replace by being in a high speed wobble. It is going to take all we have to get out in the sun today as we are so wound up we can not think straight about some things. We can do calculations and such. Hopefully writing here can cause something to happen.

This is what happened. We were driving to the big town and we came to understand we did not want to draw, we did not want to do art, we did not want to ski or even swim in the lake. It is different from when we would not know we did art or knew how to draw. We could have muddled through say we were in a class or something. It would have taken great effort. We went to my mothers for supper and it happened to snow so we ended up removing the snow which was an unexpected physical effort. What happened is we activated our adrenal system and we have yet to come down from it. Good news is we are making money this morning.

We went to look for stuffed animals. One store had just closed and we faked we did not know that and walked to the store. That is they way those that are out are. They are pretty clever. The guy saw us and let us in. They did not have the dolphin we wanted. We had been to the other store and we saw some pendents that use a marble and the marbles are interchangeable. We had seen them before and knew we were going to eventually get some or make the clasp ourselves and give them to some we love. We would make the marbles and could even make some to go with specific outfits. They are sterling silver and are on sale for 1/2 price. I am thinking that is about what you could get if you melted the silver down. We can not afford this and will be able to next month. Thing is we are worried that these pieces will be gone. As we are in a high speed wobble we wrote some of those we loved and asked if they thought they would like the marble pendents. They love them and the idea. It was all pretty crazy.

I think we understand now. We got all wound up so we would not have to be sad. That and something in the future to hold onto that we know will be a good expression of our love. Sounds simple it is not.

So we need to sleep and then get some sun. Great news is that it is going to be clear all day. That is a huge huge help. Happened as it snowed unexpectedly so those clouds are on the ground. Never thought of that. Snow is really clouds on the ground. Just like rain. Or is it that clouds are snow and rain that used to be on the ground.

So our being happy was real. The trying to keep it going so we did not have to be sad was the issue. Good to know I guess. All signs point to a really intense therapy session two days from now.  It was more important that we sleep. Always is.

So that was very very healing. It was very hard and there was no trauma involved. It is the result of having processed. We were going to write here catch up then go for a walk and then for a swim. We think we are caught up. We think we got caught up while sleeping. We do want to try gong for a walk and a swim. We are not sure about trying the Zumbamat tomorrow. We get now that what happens is we schedule out sun. We did not do that today we just needed to sleep. We do wonder if some knew last night that we were at risk of not being able to get sun. What would have happened before is we would have kept going not got any sun and adjusted to that.

We do not feel emotional agitated our feet are knees are jumping around. Although things have been pretty wild we have not messed anything up that needs fixing. It is interesting we were using cubic feet instead of cubic yards on our project.  On the one hand it is a pretty big error and on the other we think it was just communication. Before we would have assumed it was out error.

So we have been to the pool. We just hung in the pool.

We are resigned as much as we can be that we have at least another year of recovery.

We are going to sleep and we will see about Zumbamat in the morning. It seems some that have not been would be going if we do.

We did look up cloud cover for this area as close as we could get. There will be more hours of sun here on out. The worse around here is November by hours per day. I was surprised by that.

We went for a walk at the track. We started a bigger labyrinth and this one is square. We just started it and then went to the hot tub.

We have been crying a lot. Seems like general crying sometimes. It is about being so sad about not being able to be with Mamma’s baby.

We are often outside our body. We will be in bed and then realize part of us is over by the computer.

Memories are coming again. We can tell as we want to punch a window.

Those out can prepare as best they can. It is nothing like before. One thing that is different is for a long time everything was about being able to heal. This job that we are doing would have been totally



Sleep and da Sun

January 25, 2014

We have slept. Funny we used up our sun energy in sleep. What a concept get sun energy in the day and use it up in sleep.

There is a difference between less tired and more rested.

So we are going to get dressed for the cold and go get what sun there is to be had. It is possible there is enough to be had. We would not know. We write that we were going to get dressed to make sure we do. We might just go out in clothes that are warm enough yet not warm. Hard to get sun if not impossible that way. Funny we seem to be adjusting to getting sun when there is none. If we have our head right before hand than we will get more sun even though it is behind the clouds.

It seems that as we get more rested the memories come into consciousness. There does seem to be a huge change now we are processing on some level the death of those we loved and have at least all the murders somewhat processed.

We can see our processing may be taking on a new meaning. It may be less about bringing the memories into consciousness that it was when some deaths were unknown.

It is kinda funny. It seems warmer out when we are going outside to get sun than it does when we say go outside to get groceries. We are at least not yet all about doing the combo thing. Like get our head right to get sun energy when we get groceries. Might just be that is how we did things before. We have always stretched when getting fuel or waiting in line we thought we were being efficient we were dealing with a PTS body.

We just got very tired and a little sick to our stomach. We think what we need to do is go get some sun and then get back to that feeling and then sleep. We are afraid that sleeping in the day will result in sleeping at night. As we think about it that has not happened. Perhaps it is just that is what we were told. It is hard to do all this sleeping and not do other things. We are curious. Part of it is we do not have the out of going swimming as the pool is not open. We have to go to the big town and there is a pool there. It costs $10.00 but most of the time we do not get charged if our friends are on the desk and they know the owners are not going to be out and about.

We are nervous about getting sun. We can feel it in our body. We think we are nervous about if we get sun we will have memories come into consciousness. No we are afraid that may get enough sun to have the memories come into consciousness and not enough to be sad. In effect not get enough sun. Knowing that may change things. The fear is strong enough so we need to deal with it before we go and to not get over it. Hard as we can feel the clouds thickening.

We are actually more comfortable getting sun as a relief from healing than to be able to heal.  Go figure. Both are important.


We are back from our walk. We used out poles it is interesting we started by deciding to use them and then we just used them they way it felt right for then. We did end up at the end using the Nordic Walking style. We probably would not have if we had not studied and practiced it. If we made that a WAY we would have missed something. We did stretch at the end. Having the classes did help in that it makes sure we do not leave any out. We are not getting all regimented about it and we are not really working on discovery. We are just dong it for now. We have enough on our plate.

For us we now tell how much sun is out and about by our shadow. Just how we see it is all.

Our labyrinth in the snow is different each time which is cool for us. The wind has blown the snow and so the tracks were mostly filled in.  With the low gray clouds and the white snow it was a different view for us. There was a little wind and we got some wind energy.

Over all we are looking at the clock and finding we have more time than we have in the recent past. That is nice.

I would say we do not have enough sun. So we are going to sleep and see what is up. In this case it is Ok to set that we might go back for a walk or we might go to the tanning booth.

OK we needed to get back to when we were nervous and a little sick. Just so you know that is a lot of what this writing is about.

So for us the poles are now a go. We do not see that changing. We are going with the ones we have now which are basically Hikker HP-5 Anti-shock hiking poles. We do not feel the need to buy the Exerstride poles. Ours do not have a rubber tip which is fine for now. The only time it would not be is if we traveled. We could not walk on the track with the carbide tip. We like to walk on the grass anyway.  Only time we could not walk on the grass is if there is a game or something. We may ask a local farmer if we can walk in his field. Maybe trade him a marble. We like that idea. Now we need to pick the farmer. There are other options. It is all about the sun. We almost forgot that. might mean we have enough sun. The lake is going to be an option for a while. There is no advantage to that other than just someplace different. The field would be nice as it is rolling. We have parks they are all shaded.

We are not ignoring our core we are working up to it with the Nordic Walking. Have a sense the Nordic walking is not going to be all that is needed for our core.

We do not like where we are. We do like where we are headed.

A new group

January 25, 2014

There is a new group out and about. We know where they are from. They are from the end of second grade until the beginning of fourth grade. We created a new group for every grade.

They have been working all along to be sure. They are the ones out to do work. Within each group there are groups.

We have only snippets of memory from this time and those memories are not connected to our narrative of our life.

My cousins family were coming to visit and my mother bought a pool. One of those cheap metal things with the plastic liner.

That is why we have been writing this is new so much. My cousins family were seen by my family as freeloaders. They were visiting and expected to be treated as they were treated when people visited them. They were on vacation. My parents would never ask for money to help pay for the food as that would not be with there fake front of who they were. They would just complain. To me.

We are between sleeps.

So we may have left some away. I can not know as if they are left away than they are not here for me to ask.

This seems to be a time of our life when we were physically not being as brutalized. It is hard to explain. In February when we were in the 7th grade we were put in a hole in the ground. It was under a beehive for ventilation. That trauma was easier than a lot of other trauma as we were fed before hand and after. We were skiing and got sun even though it was winter. Say it had rained and the ski area was not open. That memory would have had a different effect.

So in this time of being fed and it being warm we healed a lot. We go stronger. We were able to handle subsequent trauma with a different effect. There are many mini times in our life where we got stronger as it was possible.

It is going to be three days of clouds and we did not go to the pool yesterday and will not be able to go until 2:00 on Sunday. We do not go during the day as it is a good way to do something so we can sleep at night.

So we have no plan or way we like that better a way. That will keep us away from making plans. Those out could make plans.

What has happened is we have gone back to when we were born in a haphazard fashion to no fault of ours and have come forward and stopped at this time in out life. We do keep jumping around in time. We are not done with the time that we were in NJ having been sold to the judge. We have processed two murders there and we did notice that we seemed to know what was going to happen which means there are probably others. We were to much in the know when we were having the memories to not have had prior experiences. The same thing happened when we knew how to take care of Molly’s baby. We knew as we had taken care of Mamma’s baby.

Right now and we could be incorrect it seems Mamma was not killed right after he baby was killed. Much of this happened in the same place. It is possible that Mamma went back to the MKULTRA facility or somewhere else.

We are going to breakfast. Then come home and sleep. It is going to be a challenge to get any sun at all today. It might even be wise to know we need a hold over and go to the tanning booth.

Reality is we are not beat up enough to know what to do. We have to go to the big town. Maybe we should look at stuffed animals.  We need a tiger but the idea is being floated that the fox can be a tiger. This is a new concept.

We are in a bit of a waiting for out check thing. We can not really do much until that comes in. We have been to breakfast and are going to sleep and today we are going to get sun. That is as far as we are going to go. It does seem that with the latest processing things have changed. In a way when there were lulls in the trauma we healed and now we have processed so we can heal. There are things going on with our memory like we see a place where we were at different times and go back to them. It is a association thing.

I was in many many different places as a child. An extraordinary amount never mind what happened there. One thing about the superintendent is he was very easy to not like. That is different than hating. He was pretty much a nothing on all levels other than intellectually. He was a DR so he was not stupid.

That seems like what should be done. Get some sun to day and that is as good as it is going to get. This is actually new. We are not taking a break as we are so beat up, we are not preparing for any specific work. We are not really driven to do anything right now and it kinds feels good.


January 24, 2014

We did go to sleep. Before we did there was some shaking and jerking around. It was minor for us. Great to have it on the wane. You do get used to it and the pain for days after. It still takes a lot to trust of you go thru it than things will be better. It was far away from convulsions.

We really were surprised that we could sleep. It seems that all of us have to go thru that. We know we have written we can not believe we slept often. The reason is it surprised any that are out and about in a new way.

We messed up in that we were thinking of going swimming and we can not on Fridays. We are more OK with that type of confusion when our brain is working very hard.


So we lost sight of out goal of being as rested as we could be come April First. That makes sense. We still do not really have sight of that. We got excited about this being able to get sun in the cold and winter. We are hoping that by writing we can get back to that goal. It is mutually exclusive to the way we are thinking. It is more of a getting distracted and thinking about the future.

The being more rested is out of reach for us right now. We are going with being prepared for therapy on tues. We have not been able to for a long long time.

Actually nothing is happening we might as well go to bed. We did notice that in therapy the other day we took a break because we wanted to and not because we had to. We gave our therapist a high 5 on that one.


I am a multiple

January 24, 2014

That is why I can write about processing such horror as if it is someone else doing the hard work.

We are moving along a a good clip. We are not making the same mistakes. We almost are and start to we then regroup. We went to eat and we were out of it. We knew why and that made it much better. We did not fight it off or totally switch. We came home and slept. We almost went to Zumbamat figuring we could get sun in the afternoon. That would have been an error. We needed to sleep. Even if that meant no sun which would mean issues later we needed to sleep. We had a good sleep before we went to sleep there was pain and our head hurt etc. We did not even have to THINK to say with it we just did. In part it was not as intense. When we woke up we felt like crap. We did however know if we went for a walk in our labyrinth in the sun we would eventually feel better and we knew not to use that energy to get things done other than was necessary. We knew we have not taken a photo of out new labyrinth and why before this would have been why have we not done that already. It was that way with pretty much anything. Why we never used to let things stay undone.

It took a about a mile before we got our head right. Part of it was the wind and the cold. Most of it is processing is hard. We did not use the poles as we were not up to that. Nice to know why and that we most likely will be able to on the morrow. Had we not been able to get sun today it would have been much harder to be us. Less harder than not letting some be sad.

We expect that we will want to go swimming tonight.

Here is the thing. Those of us out if left to there own design will start to come up with a plan and then be upset and confused when it does not work. This still has to be about discovery. It is getting easier. One thing we are getting good at is know part of our brain is not there and not forcing it to be so. We were able to send out one e-mail to a client and that considering what we are going through is a good thing. Our arithmetic brain was not online and we just waited a bit instead of getting all upset. We had less distance to do to be upset.

So we are kinda caught up which is has its own dangers.

We are not really belaboring this we are being compete as we all want this over with and this is the fastest way to do it. Those out are well please to at least for now not to be tying to discover a way rather to make things better for all of us with out leaving away and then coming back. That is still going on we all know what is going on for the most part.

The job with its intensity and our success where others have failed is good for us. Actually that has always been going on. This project it is obvious and so other people know it. At least for now. It is amazing you can save someone tens of thousands when they are in trouble and when they are not they forget. You are only as valuable as you next big success. Some clients get it and this client might be one of those.  We are figuring out how to work with him and he is figuring out how to work with us. Our e-mail and a one paragraph summary and pretty much told him we are stalled as you need to make your decision. We also billed which we wanted to do and really points out we are done until he makes his decisions. We already know this guy is about dragging his feet and the calling and asking why the job is stalled. Lots of clients are like that.

One thing that is happening is we get the feeling that we need to head south. We have been watching that and it is really about we need sun. It is not that any of us are over the top with what is needed they are in distress. Before we did not have the understanding about how to get sun.  Those out are more optimistic than some a they have less to be worried about. From there end they can hang for a while with now sun. They can slow down They just have better options. For them they got some sun they can hang on.

This just came to us. We wonder if some of us can get energy from just being outside and that is being seen as getting sun. They come out and so the sun thing does not need to happen. I do not think so as we have not been getting sun except on our face and we have still been able to process. Might be the only thing that is slowing down the processing is we do not have enough sun. Those out are of the mind set we do not care as long as it is working.

Being honest those out are pretty much OK we got that solved now lets just keep it going. That is not the way it is.

Those that did the work are worn out although not as beat up as before.

Time to sleep again. Being honest we do not expect we will and those out are happy about that and that might not be best.

It seems that if we sleep we feel worse and if we go outside we feel better. This of course brings up the question should we sleeping. The answer is yes at least for now. There may come a time where we process with less sleep. We are not there yet. That is the problem. Those out will do better for a while if we do not sleep. Could be years. maybe not anymore.

Right now those out would go to the track and go Nordic Walking. It is from the energy caused by the others healing.

This happens sometimes.  We become in a way more multiple as in more distinct as some express. It is we need to be separate in order come together.

There is something very very different about this processing. I wonder if we over all had less trauma happening to our body and we had more sun and food. We have a sense this may have been after a summer of for us little or at least less trauma. What may be happening is these memories may be being put in some sort of order or they are being started to be put in some kinda of order.

I may never have mentioned this but this is hard.

The memories came

January 24, 2014

We were correct and the memories came. This is much different for us and it defies explanation at the same level as how they never came into our consciousness in the first place. It is surly the result of having healed and grieved as much as we have. Simply put there is less to grieve and we have successfully grieved much.  It is not situational in that our life is going better so we can now do this work it is the opposite in that our life is going better as we have grieved.

It is obvious that we always started at a point of distress that we thought was normal and everyone else assumed and still does assume it is normal or something is wrong with us. It is not linear it is exponential and complicated.

How our expressive therapy works is un-explainable just as how we just solved a hydrologistitic   problem in a city where it has never been solved the way we have before. Actually it is not yet solved we know how to solve it.

The menagerie is with our therapist and there is a new stuffed animal that has not yet joined us yet we know who it it and that this new “member” of the menagerie will be with out therapist and the others. How that all works is beyond comprehension by the cognitive mind.

So I morphed into working for money. I then knew I was hungry. I came close to not eating and keeping going. I ate and now feel awful. I would have felt better if I had kept going.

This is what has happened. We processed last night and were sad. We have used up all our sun energy so we morph into doing what can be done with no sun energy which does not include being sad. We right now do not have enough sun energy to go get sun energy. We will sleep and then we will have enough energy. We will then get some sun and be sad again. No wonder this is go hard.

Pretty much we are putting all this effort into getting enough sun not so we can be happier rather so we can be sad so we can be happier. Much more better than maybe we can find a way to be happier.

It is kinda interesting. We are in a some pain, we feel ill, our head aches and it is from the trauma. It is also from not having enough sun. Thing is before we would get sun and still know something was wrong.

We are not feeling very multiple right now and that is because there is one that is the problem child doing the work and many are staying our of the way.

Being the problem child is a term of endearment and an acknowledgement that one is doing the hard work right now. There are likely many that go with him that we do not know about.

We took care of Mamma’s baby in front of her and were not allowed to have her touch the baby or she would be tortured and the baby would be raped. That we know. How this was proved to us we have not yet gone through. We know it was proved to us. We know we gave in to Mamma asking us to touch the baby.

Breathing is so much a part of this. It is not to be manipulated.