Archive for June, 2014

It not just the sun

June 30, 2014

Things are different that is not in question. There was the question if it was real change or just because we were less sun deprived.

There are no deaths that have not been somewhat processed. We can tell. There is less trauma to be processed. We do not yet really see being in cages as trauma. In our world it was the safest place.

Kinda going to be all over the place with this post. Something new and different. Smile

We are going out to get our first sun. It is not morning sun as it is 9:00. Actually we are going to skip it and get sun in the yoga blind later.

We did not sleep well last night. As far as I know that is the first time since last Sunday or Monday. We are pretty sure it is about it is about going to therapy. We are thinking a lot about going to once every two weeks. We think much of that is about continuity. Therapy always tears us apart and we have to regroup. To go and not have it tear us apart would be to move into the our therapist is our friend. We love her she is not our friend.

So it was getting light our and it was thought we should go out and get morning sun. Then it was thought that we could do some pacerpole walking. That was a going away and we just went back to sleep. OK that is why the swimming two summers ago was stopped. It was taken over. Good to know.

The thing about the sun is to get sun energy and then sleep. That is the most healing right now. It is hard to get energy and then sleep. It really makes it harder as we will be sun deprived in 90 days if not before.  It is hard as we really need to wait until we are sun deprived to know if we have even made any progress. We know it is going to be a new kinda of work. It will be much unlearning and there will be the logistics of getting as much sun as we can. It looks like we will head into the winter as poor as we have ever been even with out the increased cost in fuel and food. We will be spending more and having less money. We got really lucky last year and got a job in the middle of the winter. That is not going to happen again.

Right now we are able to cook and eat at home. When we run our of sun energy that is just not possible. Or it has not been.

So we have therapy tomorrow at 9:oo.

When we did not go out this morning to get morning sun we missed an opportunity a window. Had we eaten gone out and got sun then come home and slept we would have healed. We also probably would not have got prepared for therapy as the whole day would have been spent sleeping and resting then going for our 1/2 mile swim and our 1.5 mile walk. 

That is how some get left away. If we get sun now when it does finally come out from behind the trees others will be the ones to get the sun energy. They will not be out again until we get sun deprived unless we do something different and the best shot seems to be therapy tomorrow. It looks good for getting sun tomorrow morning. It does not look good for swimming tonight due to thundershowers. We think we can substitute pacerpole walking and a bath or shower. 

As far as I know there is nothing that needs to be brought to therapy other than maybe a flower.

Note: I have no idea what is going on with the different colored text. We used to do many many colors and that is not what is wanted anymore. It is a going back and forth. It takes not real thought we just know when we want to change colors.

I think it is in lieu of switching by looking for a particular one of us. 

It does seem to be integrating. 

I find it aggravating to have to keep going to the top of the page to change the color. 

We had a piece of glass that was blue and white. it was just a blob. I think we found it. We acid etched it and gave it to our therapist during a hug. It seems it is wanted to have our therapist put it in the sand box and bury it. It is not a bad place to be buried in the sand box. This will somehow be done with our words. Somehow my therapist can figure that stuff out with the others.

In a way the goal is reversed. We always wanted some to not have to be. It was always better for all of us. Now we want them to be. We are not dumb we know that they always were and some of us were not aware.

Had we done just a little bit less intense exercise than we might have been able to get the morning sun. Even though we are trying very hard it is not easy to stay away from what works and that is intense exercise. It works as we are to exhausted to heal for a while.

We have not been fighting off a crash for a long long time. Most of that is about the sun. Some of it is we have really not done much.

We are going to get sun earlier this morning than we usually do when we skip the morning sun. This will not make up for it and we need to make sure we do not fall into that trap.

Something is going on with falling into a trap.

We very quickly figured out the trap thing. It is about processing interrupted. We still have murders to process from when we were sold to the judge in NJ.  That processing is totally different as it includes starvation at the end of it. Malnutrition is not that same as starvation. There were also murders there and we have only processed one. It was a double murder. We were hoping it would go to Ravel the document where we put things and the get processed on the fly and then we do not need to process them by bringing them forward.

OK what is going on is what always happens when we get close to the blue rock. Just getting close causes all sorts of memory work to be done. 

The drive to break free and so something different and big is here. It is not the thing to do. Unfortunately when we don’t do something big we seem unable to do what has got us here. It is going to be a big day in therapy. One of those that we want to call our therapist and tell her and yet never do. She will know and we will know once we get there. 

We are pretty set to make a big day in therapy happen. Now we start to worry that something will happen and make it not happen. The risk is not great it will happen if it happens it will be a disaster which we may not be able to recover from for weeks if at all.

Note: We are not being dramatic.

The length of time that the sun is out has not changed enough to mess us up. It has started to rise more to the north and that is making the time we can go out in the yoga blind change.

Note: As people can not think in terms of the reptilian brain as the reptilian brain does not use words they get it confused with the emotional part of the brain. This is critical to us and very hard to to get sucked into words. Someone once said “Being inverted is good for me.” Another person said “that makes sense it lets your organs be different in gravity. Another  said I feel so much more alive when I am inverted each day. The thing is something is lost when you go beyond saying being inverted is good for me. Something may be lost just saying it is good for me.

We are going out to get sun now and then sleep. We are ahead of schedule only as we skipped an important part. We are going to try and get back to where we were this morning when we did not get morning sun. That is totally new and is a risk. We may mess up therapy. We are going to try it as we have a sense it will work.


Back from the sun. We rested I am pretty sure we have not slept yet. One came outside and is still out there. It is fine and we are used to this. When we say one is still out there we are no crazy. We would not expect us or anyone else to see them if they looked. We do not expect that anyone would walk by and sense someone was there although we would not be shocked. We do not think that a presence could be detected there with instruments.

We laid down and did not think we were gong to be able to sleep. We slept 4 hours. We are pretty rested and to physically tired to go swimming we think.

So we have a decision to make. Actually as we started the exhaling underwater thing we have a bunch. We would not wear our wet suit if we were not doing the breathing thing underwater. It is hot out and the water is now warmer. We also did not sleep well last night and are wondering if we are just not sleeping at night and so we sleep in the day.

{This we find interesting if we have enough sun we can not tolerate caffeine.}

It was wanted that we write or was thought of that we write. “You are forgetting that we had the three sleeps. ” We do the talking among ourselves. We have decided that we are not going to write back and forth in that way. We have also decided that if we can it would be best to move the AC unit down stairs and that would take about as much effort as setting up a bed upstairs and dealing with that. It is 85 and humid.  And we are at the limit of what is comfortable.  A day of to hot not knowing if it will last will mess us up. 

We are starting to add things that we have stayed away from for years and one of those is time. We have a clock in the kitchen. We have no set our alarm other than to get to therapy and a few other things for years and years. We have on purpose and with purpose stayed away from timing things. We have started again. We know we can go swimming at 6 and still have time to go Pacerpole walking and go to the store. If we rush just a bit. We have added rushing sometimes.

We believe that if the weather was to stay this way we could just keep adding things and healing. What we are doing is adding things with the knowledge that they will have to go away. Obviously we will not be able to swim in the lake. We will lose the energy we get from the sun. Or we might heal enough so it is OK.


We went swimming. We swam 1/2 mile exhaling underwater. It is good for us. It is a reptilian brain thing. We start to think and it does not work.  It is noisy for us. We did the breast stroke for most of the way. We are just working on the breathing and not worrying about much else.

We are not sure about therapy tomorrow. Sometimes I am told on the way there what is wanted. In the morning we need to boil some potatoes and we want sandwiches for the ride home.

We did not go for our Pacerpole walk and it is a lingering thing. We might space out and go in the morning just as it was planned.

We are really having a hard time adjusting to our new understanding of the sun. 





Could be did could be dat

June 29, 2014

No one knows.

Least we know what happened.

Actually we are not sure how we slept last night.

We got sun this morning. We realized later we did not do our walk in the grass bare foot. We were not the up for going out in the sun again. We went out just as that is our plan. We did some meditation and took a pine cone and broke it into small pieces. We watched the ants. We did some stretches that seem to be needed to be done.  We did our no shadow meditation. We kinda are going with we need to do freestyle in that we go out in the sun and do what we feels needs to be done.

We came and and cried about the loss of my brother. We wanted to hold him just one more time. We then slept like a rock for guessing 4 hours and we feel Ok physically right now.

We wonder if the swimming and exhaling underwater caused the good sleep or the sun. It may be a together thing and it may be the breathing. We do not know if the exhaling underwater from swimming messes up the reptilian brain or helps it. We know a baby will hold its breath underwater naturally. That does not mean it is a good thing.

We know our coaches said that fear was the big thing with learning to swim while exhaling underwater.

The getting sun is really not in question. It makes sense and it is our best hope. There would need to be a compelling reason to stop what we are doing with the sun. It might be that we sometimes need to not get as much sun as we can not handle the changes. It does seem if we get morning sun that we will be more apt to push during the day to get sun. 

Looking at two years ago. We got up in the morning and got morning sun at a beach. We went swimming and did stretches and then we slept. We also picked up the area. I do not know why we did not do that the next year. It seems it was to intense. It also seemed to take so much time. It really was no more time than what we are doing now. This healing takes so much time and leaves so little time for anything else.

When outside in the sun  we also did some drawing on or head. This requires the right brain.

We did something new with the Rubik Cube. We for a long time out loud spoke as if we were de-mystifying the rubick cube. Not teaching it just showing that it has steps and you do not have to know the last move to start.  When we first started it this was intense and we could not do it all at once. It was interesting it made our arms tired. We have started to do the same thing only with out speaking. It is intense. We can not get through it all and it is hard not to speak out loud. We keep whispering. It is thought that we might do it in therapy two days from now. 

OK so it is obvious we did a lot today. Reasonable to assume it was because we got morning sun and that we balked at doing it the last two days as we knew lots would get done. It is part of it that we were not prepared. 

We have actually made many many changes. We do not see them as changes as they are the result of the sun and may not be permanent. 

I am not on board with that the being tanned is a bad thing. It seems to me that out body is not not resisting the sun. This is not to day we need to spend more time laying in the sun just that it is not a bad thing to be the tanned we are. Reality is we never really tanned this way before even if we were out in the sun. Our body would somehow prevent it. We did not come back from Ecuador all tanned. We are more tanned now than when we came back from a month in the sun. It is a matter of degrees.

We have also added the clock which we have avoided of years. We know that if we go for a swim we will not have time to use our pacerpoles. 

We are going for a swim. We are going to think on the way about if we want to do the breathing thing.

We went for a swim and then for 1.5 miles with our pacerpoles.

We age getting used to the goggles. They do not fit that well We are going to buy goggles and see if they work. Mixed reviews. We do not like being able to see as we get nervous we will run into a dock or something. We can not look for boats. We are exploring the exhaling underwater. We seem to like it when we get it going well. It really helps to have the buoyancy of the wet suit. It does not seem to mess up our zen. We still do the side stroke and just look around.

It seems to be coming pretty easy for us. We have done a lot of things. We are very comfortable in the water and where we swim. We are having fun with it

We do swim much much faster and so we can leave the house and be back in two hours and still do our 1/2 mile.

We went to the track and did our 30 min mile and a half.

We know we are pushing it and asking some to heal in between. It is different now we understand what we do about the sun deprivation. Before we would have thought we had this all solved and all we needed to do is keep going and work up to going harder and harder and just watch for injuries. We now know it may all go away when there is not enough sun. It is a huge change for us. 

We are pretty sure we are not doing the be exhausted is the best we can do. That being said we are tired. 

What is going on is with having more sun and more sun to be had. Everything is much more possible. It still is all about healing.




Not getting morning sun

June 29, 2014

Two days we did not get morning sun and that did not make sense as we know that helps us heal.

First we got up late and the sun is different later. Second it was known on some level that if we got morning sun we would not get anything done in the present as we would be healing instead. Not that healing is not getting anything done it does not get stuff done.

We go morning sun and slept for an hour.

It makes sense that now that we have more sun what is wanted is for us to work on our body. Right after food and water.  It is what our reptilian brain needs.

On some level we knew if we got morning sun we would sleep and be to tried to work on our body.

This is hard is what it is.

Because we could

June 28, 2014

We did not get morning sun. We have a few days to push with that and so we did.

It is hard and now we are out of sorts.


We got sun. It was new as it is now hot out. It is going to get hotter. We have made the decision not to move the AC usit down stairs. We may not need it. If we do than worst case is we turn it on and go upstairs and sleep. It is a do not want to spend the time thing.

In a way we spent all winter with those in the afternoon not being able to be and the summer is the opposite.

We really are not getting that we can do things and we will feel better and that is OK. It is not emotional other than that did not used to be true.


OK we have pretty much recovered from tearing ourselves apart last therapy. Now we need to prepare for the next time. 

We need to work on the morning before that. We need to do what is best the rest of today and tonight to get our head right to get morning sun. 

OK that is new. We have been just going out in the morning and seeing what is what. The getting our head right will be integrating and part of getting ready for next session.

As soon as we wrote that goal it was like off to the races.

We did not go to the races we laid down and slept for an hour. We then got up and laid in the sun for 15 min.

This is making sense.

We think we know what is needed after and only after we so what work needs to be done with the morning sun. We need to feel the air change as it does at night and you can feel it if you are outside. We have options. We just checked and we have a membership where we can go camping at a remote site. It is good through July and the beginning of AUG. We also know of one that is free on an island. It may also be that just sleeping outside here is enough. We will have to think about it as we are well capable of just bolting and having the effect be at best a waste of time.

What is happening is we are getting more energy and that is why we are doing the learning how to swim and thinking about the camping. The getting morning sun and the ones that need that are in danger of being left away. Those of us out know nothing about the how bad the winters are for us. They often were able to hang on and be out through out the winter. NO I am told that is not true just some winters were less worse than others. Mostly as we had more sun  before and after the winter.

OK we understand now that the reason we did not get morning sun the last two days as we did not create a situation so we could. Meaning we did not have things in the now where it was OK to get morning sun. We have been ignoring the pressures of the now as best we can.  We figured it out when we were doing dishes and the faucet spigot jut broke off in our hand. It has really set us off. We will have to look at the broken part every time we do the dishes. We just barley got enough energy to do the dishes on a regular basis. We just figured out our association with sinks and such. There is a lot of horror there including blood.

We are not sure at this point we can be Ok to get morning sun tomorrow. It is hard for us due to the horror of our childhood. When ever we come into the now we get angry as what my parents did when we were an adult hurt us greatly in that they stole money from us and never told what they knew. They also convinced the mental health professionals that we were fucked up not them.

So we are going for a swim or we will not sleep. We wish we had not added the learning how to swim. Those that were out had no idea what it takes to get our head right to swim.

This is fucking hard and is not going well this afternoon.

There is the aspect that the one day we did get sun a lot and slept after each time the next day was cloudy and a bad day. It is an association thing.

Most likely we are doing really good work and we just do not know it yet.

One thing that happens is we get healing well and then we know that winter is coming.


We went swimming and used our goggles and practiced learning to exhale underwater. It was interesting. We float in our wet suit so we designed a way to float and exhale then take one stroke and inhale. We kick to keep forward movement. It is hard. We also did some work with the breast stroke. We are mostly getting used to wearing goggles and exhaling underwater.  We swam a mile and we actually were less tired than normal as we were more efficient.

We went to the track and used our pacepoles and walked with them on the grass in our bare feet. We seem to want to do 3o min which is a mile and a half. We are a good tired.

We went to the grocery store and that was no issue. The syntinisa is worse when we do not have enough sun so we can not tell if we have healed or just have more sun. Will not know until we do not have enough sun.

We are not thinking that we can get in good shape. It is really more that we can be in better shape this October which no matter what should make the winter better. Before we understood how hard the winters are for us we would have started making plans now we are in better shape. We now if we have time and energy make plans for getting through the winter.

We are not getting told not to do things like the dishes because we have enough sun energy to do the dishes.

Before if we wanted to do anything to improve our health we on some level knew it was not going to last as we were going to be sun deprived again. That still may happen. We are hoping that our body will change as we heal. If it does not we will be in better shape physically yet worse shape financially to deal with being sun deprived again. We are pretty sure that we can extend the time we are not sun deprived and that we can more quickly become un-sun deprived as we know what is going on. We do expect to be back in the place where we have to decide if the risk of getting some sun is worth it. We can guess better now.

We may not use sun energy to the same extent if we heal.

I was in the hospital in the red light for a while with my twin sister. I was taken out and to where my FOO lived for what I call a dog and pony show. It did not go well. I had not bonded with my mother and so I cried. I had just to be doused with ice water to prevent me from crying.

Obviously this is not good for a baby.  To be taken out of the hospital after being there alone at birth then taken to a mother who did not want me and did not have any food to give me. Then it was off to the cellar for the first time. We have been processing this off and on and it is brutal and causes much much anger. There is also the aspect that when we were 4 before we were sent to the MKULTRA facility we again were brought out for a dog and pony show. The cults still would take us to torture and sell us. It was better than the cellar. The first MKULTRA facility was great in our experience. Then I started living with my FOO. I had a couple of months before I was sent to school. I actually had 4 moths when in the first grade of no abuse other than the emotional abuse of my family.  I know as I remember up to that Christmas and then it was with the cults in some New Years horror. To tell you how bizarre my life was the house where there was this ceremony was owned by a guy who went to prison for bank robbery.

It is much easier now as the new memories are more clean up and there has been nothing off the wall as in that can not happen for a long time now. What is the most bizarre is that I not more hurt than I am.

We know so much of our story now that we do not worry as much if we are crazy. First it started at age zero. Second it was constant for 6 years and then pretty constant the next 4. It did not stop for another 3.

We know the people involved. We know about the traffickers and the cults. We know about the behavioral scientists in the MKULTRA program.  Other than needing to lay naked in the sun we do not do anything really weird. We do not think anyone is after us. We do not think anyone is stealing our thoughts. Even when we do weird things we know they are weird and would not expect anyone to think they were not weird as they are. We have never thought we were different people. It just feels that way. We did when we first heard about the concept of being multiple went a little over board with that. We never made it an identity. We did have to keep pushing to know why we were not like so many people that claim to be like us. We did have to stay away from the dissociation concept.

We do wonder if aliens figured out that humans are good a producing a lot of carbon and so we are like a bee hive and the aliens will come harvest the carbon. I am kidding. Then again I am mad at the aliens as they stole my thoughts and did not want them. Again just kidding.

That being said the wacko cults did with on kid I know tell him there were aliens as a screen memory.

One thing that is hard with this work is one week can take months of processing. I was with a cult when I was 12. There was some paramilitary crap done. I do not think it was really MKULTRA as it was not well funded. It may have been 4 days. In the scheme of things that processing was easy because I had sun before and after.

The internet really really helps. You can read about all the horrible people in the world and how they got away with so much. The US pretty much is OK with if you go to jail for life than they do not need to know the whole story. They have other things to attend to. In the UK there was a television personality that was given access to a mental hospital and a children s hospital. There are over 400 cases being followed up on. 580 people came forward. Jimmy Savilie is the criminal.

It also helps to read accounts of what other people have gone through to heal. We stay away from the sensational accounts as we do not need that. Not saying they should not express.  One thing we noticed about some accounts as they seem to be in the middle of processing and when you are in the middle of processing stuff can be kinda mixed up. Sometimes when one of us from a time we were a child will express and if we have not processed it than taken out of context it sounds crazy. A lot feel into place when we knew that the cults were involved in human trafficking and had been for generations. Even the term traffickers is misleading. They were the criminals that made abortions happen and dealt with unwanted children. They were involved with MKULTRA to supply children.

OK that is as close as we can come to being ready to get morning sun. That is not to put on pressure it is just that is all we can do. We do wonder if the not getting morning sun is a way to keep things less intense right now.  To slow down the healing so it is manageable.

We need less sleep now that we have more sun. We still need to sleep as often just not as long. We still need to sleep if we can.






Healing from prolonged captivity.

June 28, 2014

What we are experiencing and doing is starting to make sense.

When in captivity with no stimulus There is no need for sleep. The body just goes into a kinda hibernation mode. The conditions that we were in when in captivity were varied. Even the cages was varied. In the winter there was a light bulb on all the time to keep us warm other than when it went out and we froze. Sometimes we were buried alive in a hole and other times we were buried with food and water.

So it makes sense that going out in the sun when not hungry or thirsty that our body and brain would start to heal and we would be tired.  Our body did start to heal from everything our whole life. We never had the chance to heal completely.

So it makes sense that we would sleep for an hour a few times a day.

Our body knew we needed to sleep all a long and we had to learn how to fight it off. Even now it is hard to accept and lets face it. Not even the best of the best therapists have heard of going out in the sun naked and the sleeping for an hour as a way to heal.

We did check and this time we were out in the sun for 15 min. We are also starting to get tan. There is nothing for that.


The sun.

June 27, 2014

We once exclaimed curiosity to our therapist about when we did not eat breakfast we could go to late afternoon with our being hungry and she said that is because you do not do anything. She is correct if you do not eat breakfast you do not need food as you do not do anything requiring calories.

We have discovered that it is the same thing with morning sun. All sun is not the same. Morning sun is in someways more intense as it has less atmosphere to get through. In others it is more intense as it is closer. The afternoon sun is a different quality also.

Air is much different through out the day. If you sleep outside and the air is not stagnant like it is inside you can notice as turn over in the air. It smells different.

So this morning there was no way in the world we wanted morning sun. We found that strange and we came to the understanding that morning sun is similar to food if we got morning sun than we would be able to do work that we were not ready for.

Note: There is study that shows that people that get morning sun will have a lower BMI than if they did not get morning sun.

Praise the lord. We for the first time looked at the weather and the sun was shown to be out for 8 days.


We are getting sun by being in our yoga blind naked. We can not get morning sun that way.


One error everyone I know makes is to equate getting sun with warmth. It is to separate things. It is obviously harder to get sun if it is cold as the body has more to do. Point is you can be warm and not be getting any sun energy. 

The vitamin D of the medical profession is bunk. If you measure not enough vitamin D  it means you are unhealthy. It does not follow if you eat vitamin D you will be more healthy. If you get more sun you may be unrelated to vitamin D.

Any regiment that is followed will have temporary effects.

Here is the thing. I can spell out what to do with the sun and if done as a regiment it will only have temporary effects. Runners are a good example. If you talk to a runner you will quickly talk about two things. When it is very hard to run and injuries.

So getting morning sun can make a change in your life. It does not follow that it will.

If you have any form of PTS which everyone does there are two choices. Get morning sun and go through the work of healing or get morning sun and use the energy to not having to heal.  Or just do not get morning sun.

People who live there whole life with enough sun likely have other issues to deal with.

The sun effects sleep. After being with our sun if you go our for a day and get sun you will feel wonderful. You will sleep better. It will be temporary as what happens is you learn how to fight off the healing.

Now fighting off healing is natural. It is necessary. It does not happen that bad things happen in a nice order. It is all mixed up and often on going.

So we did not have morning sun. We did get sun mid morning. It was interesting and nice that we felt the sun deeper in our body. We are still not getting enough sun to tan other than our face.

We are going out in the sun again now. We as best we can are having no expectations.

We do have a routine. We stay away from the needing it. It is a convenience. We take a blanket from our bed and a pillow. We bring water with ice in the same cup. We are this time adding knowing how long we are out there. It is not to time it or make rules. We just have no idea. Sooner of later we will be fitting in getting sun and when that happens we will be most careful. Great way to not get good sun energy is to schedule it.

So we did not get sun energy this morning. We had to grieve that loss and we have. It is not a big deal. It just needs to be grieved.

OK we went back out in the sun. We were there for 30 min and did our yoga and a new meditation we call it the no shadow meditation. You let the sun’s “Essence” flow through you into the earth.

We kept our clothes on for the most part. We seem to know what is needed.

So we did not recover the loss of not getting morning sun. We adapted to what was going on in the now.

That was pretty funny. We were thinking it would be nice to have come cotton pants to go our to the yoga blind as it seems we will not be wanting as much sun on our body. DUH we can go in the shade. We have plenty of that.

We are comfortable with we are doing with body what needs to be done for now. One reason is we have enough sun.


OK it is clear the best we can do is mitigate not having morning sun. Good to know hard to take.

We got a little bit of sun and slept. As far as we know our first day sleep. We did rest. We had thoughts of using our Pacerpoles for a walk around the lake and then go for a swim which would be moslty and immersion.




I was correct

June 27, 2014

We wrote that we were going to have a hard time staying with things and we were correct. It is from the healing we did yesterday.

We are going to the track to try and regroup. No sun which should be fine and a new test.

We went to the track and walked the way the water flows. There are 6 manholes where the water drains. We walk one way and then the other in our bare feet. The grading done on the field is not up to my standards. That is fine and it is fun to wander around the way the water goes.

We are sun deprived although it is not severe at all.

We were talking to a friend and he started to tell us about the 13 days he spent in a dungeon. Guessing it was a south american jail. It is allowing us to do some work that has been started. Both times are about isolation and when it was separate in that we had food, sun and water and then did not and then had food sun a water with out interruption of more trauma. We are hoping that those experiences can go on to the Ravel document. The Ravel document is where we write that we need to work on something later. We know when something can go on Ravel and when it can not. So far once something goes on Ravel than it gets worked on and we do not need to work on it again.

It is going to be a hard day to get sun and we kinda wish it would just rain all day and then we would not have to work on making getting sun happen. Yesterday was so nice.

Sun was trying to come out. We went for a walk where the water goes and came home and slept. We are now out of sun energy.


We went to the track and walked and knew that was not what was best. We came home and figured out we could put a tarp down on the wet grass a lay in the cloudy sun. The idea of laying on a piece of plastic is not appealing. It was not that bad with our blanket. We came to understand that cloudy sun is of a different quality. Much like the tanning booth and much like the tanning booth is only a way to make what sun is available better. It is not the sun.

We seem to be moving to executing and developing and moving from exploration and discovery. Really hard as we have so little chance at success. The die it is cast at this point. We know there is a chance and so we will try.

This is more physical than emotional.

It is fucking hard and frustrating.

It was a rough day. Seems we have learned how to heal with very little sun energy and it hurts a lot. Tomorrow is going to be totally sun available.  We will see what we can do.

Most often we think we are on the right track with this sun thing. Sometimes it feels like we had better be correct or we are just fucked up in the head and always will be. That we will simply move on to the next crazy thing.

We went to the track and will be able to sleep. There were thunder showers around and we did not want to deal with that.

Often we are told not to do something. We understand now it is a warning we do not have enough sun energy. We are pretty sure that our adrenaline over rode getting good sun energy.

We went for a nice walk at the track about a mile with our Pacerpoles. We chatted with our friend. We came home and worked on a project over the phone with someone we love very mun. It was fun and successful and we were up till midnight. We knew something was up and it was pretty crazy. We woke up early this morning in a rage. We did not analyze it that much and it was related to the sun not being our yesterday and us getting a little bit.

It is noon. We have got some sun and we can now start again.


Sleep therapy.

June 25, 2014

Guessing this is going to be a theme for a while.

It is noon and we got up at 5:30. Everything since then has been absolutely totally about healing. We are not done yet as we will need to sleep in a bit.

We ate and we fixed to much food. We pretty much made what we needed yesterday.

We went out to the Yoga blind. Guessing we were there 1/2 an hour. A mouse died in our area and we needed to give him a send off. It was hot and it is the first time it has been hot so we sweated. Actually 77 degrees. That is a new dynamic. We laid down not expecting anything other than to get sun and probably sleep. We laid in the sun and we felt our hands and feet needed work so we stretched them. Might be from being in the cold water. It does not matter. We then did our yoga routine. It is really just stretching from what we have learned in all the methods that we have studied. We would like to study some more and see if there are things we are missing. We did not do any push ups or head stands. That is OK. We are not dumb we think they will come back as we get more rested.

Because we were hot we sprayed our head off with the hose. Might be some expressive therapy going on there as that is how we were cleaned off when coming out of the cages if not in a soap stone sink in the cellar. Always cold cold cold water.

So we have gone as far as we can and now need to sleep with no expectations or we will make things happen. There is not even expectations of what we will feel like or what will be needed when we wake up. That is not pure in that we hope we are more rested and know what to do. It is more knowing that maybe that will not happen. We are pretty sure it will soon. Hard in the winter when we can expect it to be months.

On a cool side note. Due to all the issues we have had with our cell phone carrier it seems that we are out of the loop and not getting charged anything. Our balance is staying the same. It is a glitch caused by when they sold their towers and one of our phones was canceled by another carrier. We are in a kinda cell phone no man land. We had to work it to make it happen and part of it is luck.



So it is a day after therapy and by working real hard and with more understanding and having done so much work and having no new murders to process it was only 1 o’clock and we for us had free time and needed to decide what do.

It really did not occur to us that we could go out and get sun energy even though we were not suffering. It did come to us and we went out and got some sun. It did make us just a bit sick and that is more than fine. That means we hit it just right. We are checking and we are still not getting tan which is kinda our measure. We have lost the pasty skin and that seems to be healthy. Guessing we were in the sun 20 min. We may want to start watching that.

So now we are going to goof off for a bit and hopefully go to sleep. Thundershowers tonight so does not look good for swimming. Last year the not being able to swim would be as big of a deal as not being able to get sun. Well not anywhere near that. Just this year it is nothing. Reality is the odds of a storm coming in so we can not walk with our poles is nil and those storms always bring clearing so the morning would be nice.

Some want to start using our pacerpoles in the morning. Being realistic this morning it was best to walk in our bare feet for 10 min and we were not even together enough to wear shorts.

OK they are not wanting to force it. They are hoping it will come. Some of us heard they wanted to do it tomorrow. What those that heard that need to do is set it up so that if that is best it can happen. The reality is those of us that do the set up can do more if there is a schedule. There is also less figuring out which takes energy.

OK we just slept for 1.5 hours. NICE

We may have had our two best sleeps in the same day and there is zero issue with us being able to get to sleep tonight. Least we do not feel any pressure. We woke up both times feeling more rested and that has never happened before.

We just checked what we were writing about the last two Junes. We have come a long long long way.

We are going swimming to celebrate.

Swam a mile back and forth as the skies were threatening. That is not as much fun.

As far as I know this is the best I have ever felt physically. 

We are going to have a hard time tomorrow staying with it. What has happened is that some of us have healed some more and as this is as good as it has got we will think we are done. 












After Therapy

June 25, 2014

We slept and were to worn out to get sun. We regrouped and were able to go out and sit in the sun.  We then went to go swimming. What has happened is our body and adjusted to not having enough sun so we could function.

We went to the lake and were confused. We did not want to go swimming in a way and in a way we did. We drove around and part of that was waiting to see if one of our friends showed up. This is new and not normal for us. We knew we were close to maybe understanding something. Thing is when you are close it does not mean you will.

We had our wet suit on and went in the water. There were people there we did not know and we just ignored that. That can be a little dangerous as we are obviously in a different state. We are also not in a good place to not be honest with any idiots that come our way. ]

We thought it might just be we wanted to see our friends or be with people. That would be the accepted understanding.

We came home and then we understood. We had used up all of out sun energy at therapy. That is what caused the low blood sugar and the change in out body. Before we would have just kept our head down and gone swimming and never known our body had changed or why things were different.

Energy is mysterious. Humans seem to think a lot of information is the same as understanding. Easier than living you do not really have much of an understanding. Ironically not living you do not understand gets in the way of what understanding can be had.

I think that humans now with their energy on demand with the turn of a key, the touch of a button or a switch have lost the feeling of mystery and energy.

The sun is most mysterious. This is not to say it is the most mysterious. Mystery does not have a scale.

So we knew we were out of sun energy and that is really hard to wrap or mind around. We actually has sun energy at a “high” level and then an hour later were out of sun energy and yet not suffering from sun deprivation over time.

We had to do something or we would not sleep as we did not have enough sun energy to sleep. We went with swimming. It was the easiest.

Here is the hard part. We had a most wonderful swim. We could have gone for a long way. What had happened is we had adapted to not having sun energy. Our body was getting what it needed given the circumstances. We got cold which we would not have if we had sun energy that was expected by our reptilian brains. What happened is we had the most wonderful swim that was possible with the amount of sun energy we had.  It also meant we would sleep even though we did not have enough sun energy.  In a real way we had solved a problem in the best way possible.

It is possible that it would have been better to do to the track and walk barefoot. It was to much of a risk as if it was not best we would not sleep. We can figure that out. Thing is October is barrelling down on us.

So we are not doing well physically due to not having enough sun. We have water on the ear and our immune system has been activated. We are going to have to fight to get our sun energy up. In a real way abandoning what works so we can do worse and maybe find a way to heal.

We did at one point yesterday afternoon get just a little sun by sitting in the sun.

Over all what is happening is we are learning how to use up more sun energy which we need to do so we can heal. 

We did think of just swimming out in the lake and drowning. It was fine think about that. Reality is we have more information on what it is like to drown than most people and we need to process that.

So we are going to have to work very very hard on building up our sun energy. Hope we get some luck with the sun being out.

What is going on is memory work has started and we can only do it partially. Most of it is memory work that we all ready have worked on and was interrupted by not having enough sun energy.

So our reality is we will start to build up our sun energy again. Processing will happen and we will need a lot of sleep. Mean while the world will keep after us to be in the now.

So we can really so nothing but hang on until we have more sun energy. It is weird that we could go swim a mile no issue. The only thing we might be able to do is to think about what might have happened had we gone to the track and not swimming. 

Caught a break made a break–We ate come cereal and went to the track and the sun peaked out. It was to much for us to put on shorts.  It is hard to accept how little energy we have at times. We have friends that still live on adrenaline. We do not want to life like that.

My sister was born when my father was in the marines. So they got money. The way they think it makes sense they looked for a way to get more money when I was born. So they sold me to traffickers. Trafickers were looking for babies for the behavioral scientists to sell to MKULTRA.

As I said we made a break and caught a break by going to the track. We came home and had a wonderful sleep. Not all of us slept. That we understand now.

We had a dream that we went to a library and they had rooms you could sleep in. It was a nice dream.

We loved the library. We had a very nice librarian in town and we could walk there and get our of my parents house. We would walk there and then walk the librarian home. She let us sleep there when we fell asleep.

We do not want to get our hopes up. It feels like we have turned a corner. No we are on a curve. 

Food, water, and sleep. That is what we need and we will heal. This is already a good day after therapy. We understand now that the swimming was a good thing. It got our body ready to be able to get sun this morning.

Note: We are glad we do not have open glass studio this week.

It is hard to explain how therapy is working with all of this. In a way right now we are figuring out what we need to do by what we do not do to get ready and after therapy.








Sleep therapy for healing from trauma

June 25, 2014

This is a rough draft of my understanding of Sleep therapy. It is written off the cuff and written as if I know more than I do. It is really written to us about us and reads as it applies to everyone. Just easy and sloppy is what it is.



A person who has experienced trauma body and brain  has changed they way sleep is experienced. A person who has CPTSD never experienced normal sleep as a child due to developing in an environment in which the body and reptilian brain developed for sleep required to exist in danger.

Note: DO NOT follow good sleep hygiene as prescribe by those who never experienced trauma. It does not work for anyone anyway.

The key is to sleep for the situation that the person who is healing from trauma is now developing. The brain and body of a person who experienced can develop to sleep differently.  This will change over time as the person heals.

There are things that will prevent developing a new way to sleep.

  • Not enough sun energy.
  • Pressure in dealing with the now.
  • Lack of food.
  • Meds, alchol and other mind altering substances. Note: I may be best to keep up these substances when developing a new sleep.
  • Not enough food.

One thing that is critical is not putting off sleep is this is developing or hardening the way you got this way. It is not always possible to sleep when it is best. Knowing and trying to get back to that place of tired is the best that can be done.

Note: If you have ever had a hard time getting home from therapy than this may be one of those times where it would have been best if you could have slept.

It is about not forcing the body to keep going. You will not get much support from the world at large.

It needs to be sleep for sleep sake and not so you can get other things done. That is the result.

It is a long term evolutionary project and results will be backwards. With new levels of sleep some memory work. It was the interruption of processing by lack of  REAL sleep that caused the memories to be stored the way they are and the body and brain to change.

Exercise is very important. DO NOT flowing exercise advice of those that have not healed from trauma. It does not work for anyone anyway.

You need to change your understanding of what exercise is. No matter what it is you are wrong. What works best is having things set up so things can be variable. Keep it simple. Best to use an example. We exercised last night. We swam a mile. We exercised this morning and we walked bare foot for maybe 10 min.  Neither time did we know what was needed until we got to the lake and got to the track and it was not what was needed before.

We are going out in our yoga blind to lay in the sun. It may be best to strech or not. We can not know until we go out there. We do know that going out in the sun is best. That is all we know.

When deciding what to do for exercise DON”T. Discover each and every time. Do as little as possible understanding that you may need to do a lot. When Zumba was the thing for us to be doing we had to learn it and figure out what gear we needed. Which included a a hat by the way. If it gets complicated the problems will get the way. Trying to do what others think you need to do is the kiss of death.

I can go to the track and not know what is best.  It might be walking for a few min or it might be working our with the pacerpoles which is close to jogging. Sometimes it is.


DO NOT expect to find something that works all the time and all you have to do is follow that method. That is not going to happen. There are two aspects to that. The first being that healing from trauma is very disruptive. It is a up an down, back and forth, this way sideways thing. The second aspect is if you are successful over time your body is going to change and so the needs are going to change. It is hard as you are good at adapting.

If you life somewhere that the climate changes you are screwed in the winter. There is not enough sun to heal. If you are in a warm client you are screwed as the brain needs changes in temperature as well as the sun. I have no good solution for winter other than to heal as much as possible in the summer and extend the sun as much as possible.

A hard thing to deal with is that achieving a new level of sleep means you will now know you are tired and need more sleep. Then it is on to achieving a another level of sleep. Although I wrote it up a on a scale it is really about sleeping the way you need to sleep for the tiredness you are now experiencing.

You will need emergency food. That will be the way you usually eat for a long time. If you crave ice cream or high carbs that is what your body needs. The key is not to force a diet change but to have your needs change by healing.

There is the dynamic that you will balk at any thing that is healing as that will mean you will start to heal from the trauma and that means memories starting to come into your consciousness that you have never had the chance to heal from before. It is what you have experienced and you can expect it to happen again.