Archive for June, 2015

Meditation

June 27, 2015

We through out this blog and elsewhere all but preached. OK we preached that meditation in motion was what was needed for CPTS and PTS. We still feel that to be the case. We still feel that way.

We have what we call a yoga blind and it is pretty much a tarp so no one can see us from off our property. We do out there to get sun. Yes this 60 year old gross body is often naked. Easier to get sun and we like it. When the sun hits us and we are not all messed up it starts what we call our stretch reflex.

All that being said we feel that it may be time for a change. We really do not want to follow some program and we really do not want to put the effort into creating our own.

What has happened is we no longer seem to need the meditation benefits of being in motion. Our body has changed. We still like to swim and such it is different.

One of the problems we have had with yoga is the instructors are small women with very little lung capacity. Their deep breaths cause us to hyperventilate.  I had forgotten that.

I guess we are going to leave things the way they are and start designing our own way.

Really just which there was A way.

I wanted to write here about it as it is a huge change from how I was before.

It is possible that what I saw as the yoga cycle is really the sun deprivation cycle.

 

Egocentric

June 25, 2015

This is not a term I have heard used about trauma. People that are egocentric see only what is related to them nothing else exists. It is a cognitive thing. When dealing with the person they are impossible. Facts and logic do not effect them. They are not stupid just do not process anything that does not have to do with them. They think everyone is like them.

I use a term professional egocentric. Lets use therapists. If something does not exist in the therapists understanding that they got from what they were taught it does not exist. A multiple will need to be dissociate or maybe schizophrenic. It can work the other way to and everyone had DID.

It is not the same as narcissistic although it is close.

I find understanding some people are like this to be very helpful. It is why talking to them is a waste of effort. They can not hear you and will act like you never said anything. They in effect make up a pretend you that they think exists.

It is also important to me to know that I am not egocentric at all. Not even in a normal way. I do not think it is all about me.

There is also the group egocentric. That is where a group of people think the same way and nothing else exists. Both sides of any issue like global warming or say gun control.

Pretty much I have nothing really new that I have not written here. I am still about bringing memories into my consciousness then dealing with what they mean to be now and then grieving. Different dynamic with my mother as she is still alive.

I am glad I have done the work. It has caused many changes and I am closer to being happy now. That really is just a result. Knowing about my life is needed for my soul. Otherwise it would not be worth it.

The work does get easier. For me the people I loved and were murdered is what is the hardest. What happened to me is hard it is not in the same category.

i did read there is a new test that is given for dissociate disorder. A multiple would not be included in that test. I really have no idea why I am multiple. It could be the living in cages in the dark for the first 5 years of my life. It could be the murder of my twin sister or it could be the other murders. I do not believe it is the trauma done to my body. Then again there is no knowing as I have the other experiences.

I do not think I will be writing her regularly. I do still write a lot. I send it do my therapist and she reads it. It helps a lot.

I do not use the e-mail address that is associated with this blog very much so I may not answer comments right off.

Work left Undone and processing interrupted,

June 25, 2015

I was having the urge to write here again. Actually would have if I remembered my password. I know now what it was about.

It is from maybe the forums I wrote on years ago and was certainly about when I was writing on Faith’s blog.

This is what happened after 30 hours of travel back from South America my dumb ass brother picked me up at the airport. It was up in the air if he was going to pick me up at the airport or the bus station. It was up in the air as he is a dumb ass. I was not even sure he would do either. After 7 connections that went great I called my brother from the airport and he said we are here. He had brought my mother. They had errands to do and such so I ended up getting home after dark and opened up the house in the dark. When putting my bags into third vehicle due to the errands I left my bag at the garage where I picked up my truck. It had a rug that I had made and another one that I started in it. The loss was hard. Three days later I did get the bag back. Some cop had picked it up and was calling an outdated number and after three days sent me an e-mail.

Coming back was not smooth. Water heater, refrigerator, truck monitor all needed work or replacement. There was lots that happened that would be hard for anyone to deal with. As always it hard to do the work of healing and everything else.

I do not know if I ever wrote about this before. I call it processing interrupted. That is why we crash. We are working on something and we have it where it can be processed and something out of our control causes it to stop. It is a brain and body thing. It is really hard to bring memories into consciousness. Just doing that is exhausting then you have to deal with the horror then understand what it means now and then grieve your loss.

So in Ecuador we did lots of processing. We were working on both the murder of a girl we had met outside the cults/human traffickers and then was with her in the cults. We also were starting to deeply grieve the loss of our twin sister. We had that all under control and were dealing with the normal stuff of being away for 7 months. With my mother showing up unannounced after the 30 hours of travel caused memories to come. That and not having communicated with her for 7 months I was not used to her physiological abuse. I was also not used to dealing with my brother. There were lots of people like them in Ecuador it was easier to ignore them.

The only reason I deal with them at all is my money is tied up with them. It will not be when she dies which can not be soon enough.

So I knew my mother was a sexual abuser. I had started that processing and it got interrupted.

It could be said that PTS is processing interrupted. We know to avoid it as much as possible. It is hard to create and be in a place to do this work and if it gets interrupted it is hard to get back to and as it is interrupted it is more mixed up so it takes more work to process.

I did not know that my mother abused me to the extent that she did. We made the mistake once of thinking we were only abused by a person once and never did that again. We are aware other memories are likely to follow.

My mother was also changing her will. She was evasive and an asshole about it. Took a long time to figure it out. My father had taken money out of a trust fund for me and she knew that if I read the old will I would figure it out.

So we came close to crashing. We may just be putting it off. Right now we have four major things that we have started and need to work on and are a long way from being in a place to process any of them.

We are having to deal with lots of e-mails from my mother in the middle of knowing more about the sexual abuse. We also think that she was part of the cult for a while.

Figured I would write it here as much work was done on line. An example of how it works for me. One way it works for me.

A Promise kept.

June 2, 2015

I have been in South America for 7 months. I needed to be in the sun. It was a good trip for me. I am still healing and that is still my focus. I do feel that I am almost done.  That may change when I see my therapist again.

I am still multiple although not as much. I am much much calmer. Nothing is lost by my integrating.

While in Ecuador I did the posted tapestry. It is two sided.

Writing here was very good for me and I thank you all.  I still answer comments.

RUG FRONT RUG BACK