Update

I am writing I think out of obligation.

It has been a rough time to be sure.

After living in the cages until I was 5 when not being horrified when out of the cages. Having my twin sister, my two brothers and Page who was a 10 year old who took care of me and my siblings in the cages being murdered I was out of the cages and spend some time with my family or origin. I went to first grade a month late as I turned 6 in October.

I was told by my first grade teacher to put my head on the desk as it was nap time. I went under my chair and she touched me. I freaked and so did she. Then she blamed me. She apparently in her egocentric teacher experience had never seen a child who grew up in cages be woken up.

I was sent in another room and told to sit in a chair. I could not as I was physically exhausted. I tried and I had a lot of experience with being punished. I feel out of the chair and was knocked out. I guess I am not jut writing our of obligation. Smile.

My bowels released and I laid on the floor unconscious. I was brought to with smelling salts. Ammonia nitrate was familiar to me. It was often used to revive me so I could be put in more pain. Some of the traffickers and there customers used it when having organism. I came to and of course assumed I was to be put in more pain. Pretty much sometimes I looked like an animal. I have seen this in other children and adults who were being tortured or killed.

I was soiled and told to go home and change. This was a 1/2 mile walk to my house and then 1/2 mile back. I should not have been walking.  I should have been in a hospital with a saline solution and oxygen.

I made it home. Was yelled at by my mother and slapped when I feel down unconscious again. It is important to know I was used to this.

I walked back to school and had missed lunch. It was in a bag uneaten and I did not dare ask for it. I made it to the end of school then walked back to my house. I was not allowed to sleep. The educator in all her wisdom determined that I needed to learn to stay awake. Even with the torture and such the abusers would get tired and I would sleep. Sometimes they just passed out and I could sleep.

This lead to be being kept awake so I would sleep at night. This was a huge huge adjustment for my body and after I had learned somewhat what it was like to heal when having sun and some food.

I was also somewhat free of extreme trauma until the Christmas break. So my body was able to adapt to this non sleeping but having sun and food.

In part this was my mother and father blaming me. In a way it was a transfer to the teachers instead of the governments behavioral scientists even though they and the traffickers/cults worked hand in hand. My mother could hear the clap trap of the teachers and absolve herself of any responsibility.

Understand I had zero experience with any normal social interaction so school in itself was a nightmare. It did not help that I had been taught pretty much everything that was taught through the third grade by Page before was murdered.

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There are many reasons we could not get to this until now. One of them was we needed a year of no sun deprivation, that my mother raped me was another. We had been close often. Even outside of therapy we had been close. Think is our reptilian brain when ever we got close told us to get up and get going. Even though my first grade teacher and my mother we not killers there was no way my reptilian brain would know this.

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So how did I get to this finally. Through self directed therapy with a therapist that understands she will never understand. That being said an error was made years ago. First I need to go over the un-directed expressive therapy.

As we have written we could “see” one off to the right in a chair. Only his left side and he was usually off to the right although sometimes he was off to the left with the chair turned around. Sometimes we could only see the chair and sometimes only see part of the chair. We could see it in detail in our photographic mind and even look at it from different angles.

We went to therapy and our therapist has small folding chairs. We took one and put it on the right of us between her and I. Then put it on the left and then the one from the chair using the one ones that gets along good with the gypsy dancer voice was able to express and briefly reach out and touch our therapists hand. That was two weeks ago and we have been “struggling” ever since.  Actually 10 days. We are still worn out.

When in the second grade I started going to the MKULTRA camps. Sometimes being shipped in a box in a diabetic coma. This stopped when I was 10 and the Mkultra stuff stopped. The program was shut down due to lack of funding. It was set up that it would end when I was 10. Why it is important the the funding ran out is the the traffickers/cult cleaned up after the program and that meant some people were murdered. The traffickers made up some of the lost income from not having any government contracts with prostitution. I was also sold to a judge in NJ.

I never had a chance to learn how to sleep at all until I one summer. My father went to get his educators masters. Note: not a real degree. I am always surprised that people do not understand that the courses a teacher takes are not applicable to a real degree. If you have teachers math you can not apply that to a engineering or science degree etc.  Least in the US.

Wrote this poem

“Gone Missing”

My Heart is Gone Missing.
Not Broken.
Not Shattered.
Not Hardened.
Nor Black.
Gone Missing.

So that is as far as I have got with my narrative. There are still big parts missing.

We could have got to this work by drawing the chair. That would have been to intense.

So this is one way it got all messed up. I tried to do the chair thing with my therapist. She jumped to the idea that what I was doing was having someone in the chair that was not there to talk “at” them. This is a method in directed therapy. That was years ago. What happens when something gets messed up it we keep going. Otherwise we would just process everything from birth to present. We will do that it jut has to be in bits and pieces. Might be different if we had not had so much therapy that was qualified but not competent.

Now we need to recover and start all over. Nothing for it. It is getting easier which means we get to do more work. My mother raping me is a lot of work. She is a sick sick person.

 

 

 

Back From Therapy

May be that we are done writing here for a while again. Who knows.

We went to therapy. It was set up very well to do hard work.  We checked with our therapist to make sure her and we were still solid. Pretty much we wanted to know if she understood we were doing what was right for us and that we were continuing to heal.

We did self directed expressive therapy. We took a chair that she had and put it on our right and then moved it to the left to show her how we “see” one of us that we now know is from the first grade. Understand we had been in cages for much of our life at that point. When we were not somewhere else horrible.

One was out that would be observed to be autistic. He was out at least once in first grade. Although we had no experience of anyone protecting us we did have a reptilian brain understanding that was what we deserved, wanted and needed. We thought it might be our first grade teacher. She just thought something was wrong with us and we scared her as she had never seen a body go through the convulsions etc that we went through in the class. Or that we switched and recovered so fast observed that nothing ever happened.

He was out kinda. He was with one that goes with our therapist and they get along great.

We started to drive home and needed diet coke with ice. We had to drive back to town and get it. We were pretty out of it but able to maintain. We came home at about 11;30 and have been half sleeping ever since. We know we are not completely sleeping.

Our immune system is all messed up. We can tell that our body is acting like it is being attacked.

We did have a nice small job come in by phone and that was a little pick me up. We do that Thursday morning.

So everything is really really messed up and we need time to recover for sure.

The one in the chair reached out and touched the gypsy dancers hand. First with his left hand then with his right. That is a break through.  I did no even know she was the Gypsy Dancer.

We may be writing here after all to keep things from getting to intense.

Off to Therapy

We have written here how we need to protect therapy. What this entails is not having anything that needs to be done the day of therapy. Having to save energy to go to a meeting makes therapy less intense and therefore less effective. We also need to have food in the house as we often sleep and then wake up very hungry. If we do not have food ready we lose our continuity and therefore do not get as much healing done. It really helps to have the lake to swim in. It does not need to be scheduled. It really started with the kayak. We have out grown that. We still enjoy it but we like the intensity of the swimming. It is much nicer for us in the wet suit as we are buoyant. When it gets to hot for that it will be a lot harder to swim and harder to work on the freestyle.

So we are very very ready for therapy and looking forward to it. That is not always the case. We do want to make sure we are not late. Often things are left for the morning of therapy. We might want to go get some images printed etc. This time that was not wanted. We have a lot to do and there is a risk we will be late. Sometimes dawdling is just what we need to do.

It is really not good to have you mother rape you starting as a baby Might be different for us as we lived in someone else s cellar until we were 5 1/2.

It does seem that our extreme trauma made it so our memory does not work the same as most people. or it could just be we have put the effort into exploring and discovering our memory. It does not matter we just wanted to write that most people would not find our memory as a baby credible as they can not do it. It is not normal memory and retrieving it is not normal.

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Article today on how the US released biological  weapons on US citizens in the 50’s. This was part of the DOD work that includes the experiences I had. It is often called experiments and that is because the only information the government releases is about the experiments as they were not illegal at the time. As had as it is to believe it was not until 1970 that the US outlawed experiments on unsuspecting people and made it against the law to do experiments that could injure or kill. I am aware the information was released the same day as the Iran treaty was in the news. President Clinton apologized for MKULTA the day the OJ Simpson trail verdict was announced. It is hard to put MKULTA in context. The biological wepons and that it is know that radioactive material was given to orphans by MIT helps with the context. That if you google the chemical weapons thing than you get the some sort of rubbish as you get when searching MKULTA. Just helps me explain the context.

_________

I worked with a couple in the 90’s and she now works for the local bank. I talk to her brothers and it is obvious that she has told them I have no money. It is wrong and aggravating. Guessing her husband who I know finally got free of the bitch and somehow she blames me. Who knows. These things are just part of my life for some reason.

__________

What we are trying to do is clear the decks for therapy.

_______________

In two hours and we want to leave at 9:15

___________________

The work on egocentric people is ongoing and helpful. There are a lot of them. One big thing is how they argue which is not really arguing rather trying to control the narrative. They scapegoat a lot. It is always someone else. They have no issue with bashing big business and then if it suits their narrative praise them. Oil companies are bad and people who mine to crate batteries in other countries are good. They use experts that agree with their narrative. They need to be told what to think and believe everyone is like them. They will say why can’t we all just get along and we are all one then trash anyone who interferes with their narrative. The get pissed at anyone who causes cognitive dissonance by showing they are full of shit. They want to be experts and often are in jobs that make them feel like they are.  They are very very close to psychopathic and can alternate. They like to create problems they can solve.  They take any success and try and expand it. They can learn to change the oil in their car and consider themselves a mechanic.

It is a cognitive issue. It does not mean they are stupid rather just make stupid arguments. What happens is they dissociate form what ever they wish was not true. If you prove it they get upset with you. What is most important is they believe you are doing the same thing. That they are in a contest with you to see who controls the narrative. It even happens with humor. “Monica Luwinski’s ex boyfriends wife for president.” It is just funny. It does not mean I am a democrat or not. It does not mean I think people in power having sex with those not in power  is cool. It does not mean that I think it is a good look for the US to have a president use a cigar as a sex toy in the oval office. A egocentric person would use that joke to control the narrative and believes I am doing the same thing.

A person who is egocentric distorts reality It seems to take some effort and they get angry and then tell you they jut let things go.

A huge part of a egocentric persons life is being with people they can lie to and have the lies accepted. lets use teachers as an example. They claim to work hard and long hours. It is there narrative. They have a soft degree and pretend they could be engineers or something. They do not work hard. Point it out and watch the cognitive dissidence kick in.

Part of out protecting therapy is to shut off our phone. We bootleg our internet off our phone and so we need to go.

Bye

 

 

Association

We worked for a long time with just a memory. We then did a lot of work with we grieve the loss of people we love that were murdered until when we think of them we smile.

 

We have just started to work with associations being where they should be.

We were sending someone we love very much a pkg of gifts from Ecuador. We had kinda been putting it off until we were feeling good about things. Presents have always been hard for us.  Part of it is gifts from those that paid to abuse us when we were used as a prostitute. We noticed the other day that was gone. As we were wrapping the presents we understood to wrap presents we need to keep a lot of associations at bay.  It takes energy and it is all but gone other than we do not trust it is gone.

Presents with my family were always a nightmare. Sitting there at Christmas opening gifts slow as I was not going to get as many as my siblings.  I was not given money like my other siblings so I could not give any until I started working. I would make what I could and have them disrespected. Getting gifts I could not use but my sibling could. Seeing my mothers Christmas list after Christmas and not being on it.

Lots of times gifts were promised like a new ski jacket or a ski helmet. Then I would never get them.

I am good at getting and giving gifts. It will take less effort now. The associations are where they belong.

 

 

 

Missing Memory.

Therapy tomorrow. My therapist called and we have an appointment tomorrow. We are in a way more prepared than for years. We certainly have a nicer space to come back to.

I lived in a house for a few months and I do not know where I slept. Something is up with that and it could be my mother raping me. It does seem tied into her.

I would have been 15.  We can not get to it right now and only write in case that is it. We really do not know. Things that we need to draw are piling up as we work through things. It does seem we are Ok with it in that we have not crashed.

 

Soul Retrieval.

It is my belief and I allow I need it to be so that any trauma of loss in this live and other lives needs to be grieved. When this is done a piece of your soul that was broken off is returned. i could write a lot on th possibilities and such. I do not feel the need I am not evangelical about it at all.

We are aware of one of us now in a different way. We “see” him off to our right. We can only see his left side. We sometimes see him to the right and he is turned so that we can only see his left side. We have been working on this for a long long time as in trying forever.

It does seem to me that soul retrievals from other lives are easier for some reason. It is still not easy.

Souls and such are not linear at all. A piece can be broken off and then partially retrieved and then lost again. There is some written about soul retrievals in literature. Some people need a guide. It could be said that my therapist is a guide. That is not the case. Her and my relationship is bigger than the two of us and that is that.

So this one we see we all but know is from the first grade. We see him in a chair that is from the first grade. If we draw that chair we will lose it. Least now.

It is not a good thing when a mother rapes her son.

Now the rapes did not start when in the first grade. We knew our first grade teacher outside of first grade. She knew my mother and they were as close friends as possible with my mother.

We know something happened in the first grade. We could get to it if we thought we could handle it. We could not right now.

____________

We have seen our therapist ones in 8 months. We write her daily at least. The way therapy works for us is it is one long session for the most part. When we see her again it will be a continuation.

We called on sat for an appointment. As far as I know we have never called her on the week-end. We do not know if she can see us this month or not. As she is out of the office the end of the month. It will be fine if we do not see her. If we had a better situation mostly financial we would see her once a week. We so want to have done this.

___________

Things that were done in other lives and perhaps this one also need to be processed and grieved. Mostly when we went against what we knew in our heart to be right and did wrong. That is hard to do.

_________________

We went for a swim and we were not into it and almost turned back. We once did so a while back. We know we were forced to keep going as a child and we know that is an issue for us. We keep going and pushing and some can not be as they are to hurt.

We were doing the sidestroke and were aware of one to out right. We did not know if it was OK for us to switch to the other side. We understood it was OK. What happened is the one we could see switched sides and was above the water. We thought about going under the water and that was not OK.

We have been working on doing alternate breathing now and again. We worked hard at it for about 12 days and then we knew it was interfering with our zen. We worked on it a bit in Ecuador in the ocean. We have been working on it now and again. It helps a lot to be in our wet suit as we are more buoyant. It is not that we can not do the alternate breathing it is we can not keep going very far. The last time we worked on it we found that our head was not straight and if we turned out head that made a little pocket in the water so we could breathe a little better. It is hard to do alternate breathing and few people can do it.

So somehow and we expect it was the one we and “see” figured out that we need to glide more and really take in a deep breath. What happens is we get a build up of carbon dioxide and get scared and then we want to stop the alternate breathing. We knew this and have been trying to work through it. We can go a bit further now but not far.

We do a modified breast stroke and it took a lot of work to get that. It is huge for us to be able to recover. We are out in the middle of the lake.  If we are doing the alternate breathing breast stroke we can cough or get water up our nose and work through it. We can not with the freestyle type of stroke. So we worked on doing our modified breast stroke and taking a deep breath and we could go back and forth between the modified breath stroke and the freestyle breast stroke.

This is a breakthrough on many many levels for us. Just accomplishing the freestyle would be just one more thing that we can do and leave some away.

We were then very hungry. The if we go to get food and get messed up we can not know who we are or where we are. We got a pizza and ate it all and then ate other food here.  We have been eating and sleeping since and are in a high speed wobble.

We are writing here as we are no OK with letting our therapist know what is going on.

We went to breakfast and showed out rug to a waitress we know. We talked to her a bit and for some reason she thanked us. She also gave us a free breakfast. Guessing she had to pay for it as it is not the kind of place where the staff can do that.

UPDATE::

We were in a high sleep wobble. About ready to go to Canada to see our friends who are whitewater raft guides. We mowed the lawn and calmed down which is new. Before if we did something like that we would get more adrenaline and do more tasks. People call it hypomanic when in effect it is about adrenaline. Maybe testosterone.

We did just a few more things than laid down and slept like a log for guessing for three hours. We call it clunking. It is early evening and we do not think we will have any issue with getting to sleep.

This is all very similar to when we go to therapy with out the therapy. We made the appointment and now it seems we do not need it and may not be able to handle the effects. Actually it is to early after a clunk to know what is going on.

So after 4 hours we were able to balance out our sugar and such. This is to much work.

Grieving

We may or may not have written this here.

We do not believe that you can grieve with someone except about the shared loss. If you and a group of people lose a loved one you can only grieve together the loss that is shared. You much also grieve your own loss. it is hard as that person is not with you to grieve. They are dead.

Grieving is not something that the people I know and know about do well. They suck at it. They are good ad avoiding it and helping other people avoid it. They are good a spending time and energy to prevent the need to grieve and that causes stress and fear.

Trauma has its own challenges. It is highly likely that a person in a dysfunctional family that allows trauma to happen will not be a good family to learn how to grieve. The world not only denies what happened in a persons life but denies it can happen at all.   Extreme trauma is still not acknowledged as happening for the general public. I have no doubt that if I did not have to than I would not acknowledge it.

The effects of trauma are in a way restricted to what other people feel must be the result. That was for me a major obstacle. Yesterday I had a slight panic attack. The reason was I was experiencing being lonely  and that always did not work well for me. I experienced being lonely and it is in the past.  That sort of thing.

This is about changing the brain. A brain that developed best for the conditions as well as it could in the physical environment that was created by others. It is not about doing what people with other experiences need to do. It is different.

I am different and my experiences are different in ways that are important to me. The world does not see it that way.

There is much work left to do with trauma. My life including my social life is a mess. This is about my soul and it could just be I need to believe that.

I needed a therapist who was not afraid of what happened to me. Who understood that she could not understand. One who could go beyond what she was taught and had learned. One who could stay present and let me figure things out and not try and figure them out for me. One who could accept that I experienced life as a multiple for reasons that are not yet and may never be understood. I collect on the insurance plan that I paid for when working. It is call SSDI. Without that I would be dead.

 

Update

Last night I was lonely. A totally new lonely. Things are really changing as we process the abuse by my mother. We are not into detail at all. Just bits and pieces.

We still need so much sleep it is crazy. our reaction to caffeine is now what we guess is normal. Before it calmed us down now it makes our heart race at the quantities we used to ingest with ease.

We are in pretty tough financial shape and that is not helping. We pretty much are OK through the rest of the month. We do need a job to come in.

 

We still need a lot of sleep. Maybe 12 to 15 a day. We still need to create a situation where we can afford to be out of it for three days so we can see our therapist.

Our life is much much better now. It is still hard and our position in the real world sucks. This work takes a lot of time and money.

Looking back we can see how we could have made it easier. That is only in hindsight. We could not have known.

We believe that for us we needed to process the trauma. It could just be the murders that made it so. Could be the years in captivity. There is no real way to know. We are not up at all on current thinking. That is the way it was for us. We are not worried about integrating. We process and that happens.

 

 

 

Yoga Blind

Do not know if I wrote what this was and may have referenced it. It is simply a place in my yard with a tarp so I can not be seen.

i go out there to get sun and sometimes the stretch response comes.

Sexually abused by your mother

It is different than other work we have done.

We have the transference thing with our therapist. We hate transference as it was often why we were abused.

I am multiple. We can see one of us who we have seen before. He is always rocking and will not look at us. We until last night could only see his left side. We “see” him above and to the right of us and now are seeing him on our right. It is not a real see we just see it in our mind. Kinda like you can see a tree from your childhood.

We think now we can see our therapist again. Going to give it some time

So this writing this morning  which was a flurry of sort and was in part processing was mostly consolidation

We are starting to process and need to stop writing. Time for the yoga blind and then sleep.