Archive for September, 2013

Immune System

September 30, 2013

My understanding of trauma which is different than those who study it is that part of the effects of trauma is that the immune system is affected. Using the immune system as part of the reptilian brain.

I by swimming in water much cooler than the air temperature and most importantly immersing seem to change my reptilian brain and my immune system.   This is more important than the benefits of exercise when swimming. It also seems that it is best if the swimming is not aerobic. If the heart rate goes up the effect seems to be lost. Say over 50% of max somewhere in there. Side stroke and breaststroke with head above water does it. The doggie paddle is also great for short short swims or a short distance. Doggie paddle is hard.

There are other ways to effect this. It is much about staying present with the being cold and the being warm. I have tired the worm and then cold showers. That causes a immediate effect and does not seem to heal.

When processing trauma which is always at the same time not processing trauma as if it was in childhood and you are now and adult that is the way it works the immune system kicks in.

It has been a very lousy day. Nothing bad happened just nothing good has happened. We think that perhaps it is actually a less worse day. It is not fun whatever is going on. OK we have to do something or we are never going to sleep. We are going to the grocery store and see how that goes.

We started to sob and then we knew. We made Molly a whistle out of a poplar branch in the spring thinking we would see her and we would have fun again. It is all confused. We wrapped it.

It has been quite a day. We are scheduled  pull the scarecrow caper on fri. It is intense. Expressive therapy to the max. We are going to have our therapist help with making the hat tomorrow.

There ain’t no sense in trying.

September 29, 2013

We almost missed something yesterday.

When we were working on our mask for the scarecrow caper things went south for a bit. We knew it had something to do with the mask and pulling the caper. It had something to do with getting excited about it and not wanting to wait. We decided to go for a walk on the track and that got messed up. We ended up using our rowing shell and really pushed both physically and intellectually to figure it out. We kinda knew it was more about spring than now.

We know that the scarecrow caper is a about a lot of things. It than was known that the scarecrow caper was a last ditch effort to prevent a crash this winter. Every winter of our life has been a horror. It is a matter of some were less so than others. That is our reality. It might be as simple as any human body in this climate is going to suffer and it is just our experiences that make us suffer more.

Success for us was keeping the horror to a minimum by doing what we could in the summer to prepare. One of the things that we have been successful at is shorting the time of horror.

We are multiple so the way it works is when we are in the horror of winter others are out. So for them there has never been a time that was not horror it was a matter of degree.

So it went from having a last ditch effort to prevent the horror of winter to “There ain’t no sense in trying. It is only new that we understand this in a different way. We may have changed things there is no way to know until we have gone through this winter. We have shortened it and have increased our chances of making it less bad. We have not solved it.

We are between sleeps in a way that we were until the last week. Perhaps the new way of sleeping was just a way to avoid the reality that every winter has been a horor.

Our planning as really been about how to minimize the horror of this winter in the hopes that we can start the spring earlier and have the horror start later. It is not that we did not plan well. In a way we did not know what we were planning for.

We have been operating under the assumption that if we heal than good things may happen. It was really about the good things that might happen were that this winter would be less of a horror. We have no experience in our life that would lead us to believe anything else is possible.

This is what we did last winter. We went to Ecuador to make the winter less of a horror and we were successful. We have not written about the horror of Ecuador. It is all written in notebooks that no one has ever seen. Keep positive to the max. In a real way Ecuador was considered not a horror as no damage was done. That is our measure.

This is not to say there has not been positive change. Thing is that no one can know how this change will affect the horror. We are pretty confident that the horror will be less in that we will be in it less. Kinda hard to measure horror.

Reality is when we went to Ecuador the goal was to hold on knowing we were going and then have a summer of no horror. In a way we were successful if you do not believe that processing the murder by torture of someone you love and their baby is not a horror.

We do believe that we have processed the killing of all those we loved. There is also the possibility that we are just shutting down to prepare for the horror of winter. To be clear as far what most people would do to prepare for winter we have done none of it. We have let that all go in an attempt to heal. We are not even funded for this winter. We know that we could be eating dog food again this winter. Actually we eat cat food as it smells better.

So knowing this is a shock. It is not unlike this summer when we learned that we were not going to have a summer that any person should have to have. In a real way we made the summer like the winter. Our real focus was processing the death of Molly and Jake. We have done well with that and it was hard.

Our focus has been to ignore the winter and in some part to do what we have always done and thing towards the spring.

We have done things this summer and on the outside we have done some really cool things. They are on some level just a story to tell so no one knows of our horror. That is best even now.

Taking a break. There is a new concept called the quantitative self. At it’s extreme people use a device to track everything they can from heart rate to number of steps taken. They even measure Rem sleep.  That could have been us with a little luck. Don’t know if that would be good luck or bad.

So this does change everything. We do not know how yet. There is kinda a panic except we never panic at least not the same way most people do.

You will have to take my word for it. If you live in cellars as a baby the winter is harder no matter what happens to you.

First thing to do is accept this reality. That will take effort and we will have less effort available to prepare for the winter. Just the way this work goes.

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Taking a break. We did figure out what was going on with the woman that died from Zumba and us. She had come up to us and said. “so you have decided to join us.” We in that instant being in Zumba la la land understood she was a twit and was one of those people who believe that it is a privilege to be with her and people should be thankful. Wonder if she was a teacher. We did not want her energy involved in our Zumba. There is another lady in the same category in that she is a twit. She is filthy rich.  A socialite in the rich part of town. Most of the people are from the rich part of town. They are the ones with the time and money. Lots of them are twits.

There are only two other males in the classes. They pretty much stand there and move around. I am not being judgmental it is what they do.

Here is the thing. I can pretty much join any group that I want. Do not ask me why people want me to join them. Could just be I do not want to.

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We are very capable of losing this new understanding. Very.

One thing that will not happen this winter or rather something that will is that we will know what the hell happened when we ask why we are so unprepared for this winter and it is a horror. If it is a horror. What happened is we grieved the loss of two people we loved very much.

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So financially we have less than we have in the last few years. We were grieving not making money. The way it worked is we went high on all our prices to leave room for grieving. That and we have not been out in the market place.

We have grieved and that has made a change. We know a lot more about the sun and how it effects us. We know a lot more about our body and it is stronger. We do have a very good shot at having a good spring. We do want to plant our bulbs. We think it is worth taking time from preparing. We have not solved the days getting shorter we have accepted that it makes our life harder. We have the Zumbamat. We know about all the pools in the area. We are not taking therapy for granted.

We have to get our truck inspected. This over the last few years has been a huge huge financial burden. I think that we need to get that out of the way so we know where we are with that. We need to be honest with ourselves and how much we spend on the truck is really not a good thing it is just a less bad thing. Here is the thing. Our mechanic has no work. He will find something to do. We could take it to someone else. So far our mechanic has overlooked our emergency brake not working. If it were not for that than we could take it somewhere else. The other thing is our mechanic has treated us well in some cases. That is a good plan. We can start on that Monday. We have a rust hole on the side of the truck and we know that has to be taken care of. We are going to leave that so that our mechanic has in his head we are spending money. I am in business and I know how things like that effect the price.  REal small business is like that. Rich people do get charged more. If you are a dink and be a pain in the ass it can go either way. It took me a long time to understand this as I was over the top with the whole integrity thing. Still am it just causes me less angst. It is just easier for me in the long run.

Oh we have the meditation which we are pretty sure is a good thing. It is not the stay in a unshakable state of happiness thing. It is away we know what is going on. This understanding of that there is no sense in trying came not from doing the being aware of breathing and a body scan rather not being able to. Pretty much we tried to go for a wall and when we could not as the track was being used we went out in the rowing shell and pushed ourselves physically. We then came back and did our being aware of breathing and or body scan. We fell into a different state. Each one is different of course and we are not going to start categorizing them. We went to the place of nothingness. Not an achievement just what happened.

We wanted to be clear our meditation. We do not limit it by doing it the same time each day to control it. Most often faked with the set aside a time and place. Some people go to the ocean and such. We sometimes do that also the key it to not limit it. We do not have a special mat or clothes. Pretty much the theory is if it can be taken away than it is not something that we want associated with our meditations. We like that; using meditations instead of meditation. We by design do not limit our position. We let our body find the position it needs to be in.

We do need enough sun, food and water. We expect that if we do not than we go to the state that is the best if you are in cellars and your body is hungry and cold.

This is the most important thing we do not do and that is beat ourselves up when our body needs to sleep. Any expert or guru who teaches you that with practice you can achieve not sleeping needs to be stayed away from. If that is what happens than that is a good thing. Or at least I think so.

One thing that happens is Kitty comes with us when we meditate. We do not try and prevent that either.

We do wonder if meditation is really a coping mechanism for not knowing how to sleep.

We should also be clear that we have much training in meditation and could not do what we do without the training and rejecting that there is a way.

We have modified our understanding of sleep. We used the 0 being perfect and 10 you die scale. We had that 0 did not exist. We now see that the 0 to 10 can be reset. Guessing my 10 is now lower than it was. Guessing that before I could have survived not sleeping longer before I died. Actually that may not be true. Like most scales they are a place to start when you only have a little understanding.

We have a little trick. We put our phone in airplane mode. That way we can use the phone and not have calls and such come in. If we shut it off than we do not get messages and such when we turn it back on. We stumbled on this when we had data use issues.

So at 7:30 we went back to sleep. I only know as that was when this post was last edited. Note: At some point in the night we got up and had coco krispies. That is critical to doing our work. It might be better to have some pineapple or something that is beyond us right now. We can not have to think when doing this work. It is that hard.

We went to a place in our mind that we know about. It is kinda normal dreaming. We were walking down some streets that we have known. Just like normal streets it is different each time. That is a normal street with puppeteers and musicians etc on all sides. We entered what could be described as a building. There was one with us that knew his way around and when I mentioned it he said it was easier for him as he watched it as it was being built and modified. It was a casual walk. Some people from real life joined me for a bit and then they had somewhere else to go. We took a right and walked up to the top of a hill. We saw a wall of coming. It was going to come over the wall and we knew it. We went to the crest of a hill and with our looking back jumped and body surfed that ole wave for a long long long time and ways. It was awesome. We have experienced this before but no on streets.  The wave ended and we stood up. We knew there was one of us behind us that did not fare as well and was kinda beat up from his ride. We saw a elevated road/path and asked where it went. We were told it went to Miami and we did not want to go there. Not don’t or stay away or even not right now just that is not for you you have been there and found it wanting. We tried some things in Fla that were not us.

There was one cafe on the street that we may want to go back to and that was it.

So we have not made our decision on if meditation is for those that do not know how to sleep as well as we do or perhaps it is for those that do not know how to grieve. Could be that it is for those that do not know how to just do things. Or it could be for us. It will not be what our life is about. We have seen that often where someone is about something as a way to not be about anything else. We have often worried and considered that is what we are doing with healing. The only test is we get done.

We all but lost that we have never had a winter with our horror. It may not have been in the present that we were being hurt. There was never a time where we did not suffer in ways that few even acknowledge is possible. They might give lip service to what they have been told. Easier than really being there.

So what to do today? We really have no clue. Riding that wave was quite an experience. We are going to try and take a nap and that is going to be hard as it is gorgeous out.

We two years ago did know more about the sun and we remembered a day in October where we swam between to weather fronts in the sun. It was actually cloudy on each side of the lake. We saw a green flash that day. Only one we have seen not at sun rise or sunset. What happened was that was the day that we never came back to having enough sun. We may have go to not sun deprived that is different and we have changed how we define having enough sun so that it not just we are not sun deprived.

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So how long does it take to come back from being sun deprived? That all depends.

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OK we slept like a log assuming a log sleeps well. We are going to get out last ice cream Sunday that is going to be an adjustment. It was our go to when we got behind of calories.

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There is a low pressure area coming  later in the week. Tomorrow should be a gorgeous day. We need to make a decision on ZUMBA. It is $ 30 which is OK it is that once we have paid it then we will go. It is not so much the time as the timing, It is hard to fit it into the work we are doing. We will miss the dancing. We could still do the scarecrow caper no problem.

We are going to have the sundae and then sleep again. One of the aspects of learning how to sleep on a different level is that you then need a lot of sleep and then healing happens and then you have to deal with that. The first time I ever went to therapy and told someone that something was wrong we could not drive home and ended up going to a dam and sleeping on the grass until dark. It is kinda that way now. A new one of us is at least in the room with out therapist and they need to sleep.

This is actually a new concept. That is is not that we are tired from the work rather by being listened to we reach a new level of sleep and so we need to sleep. This allows memories to come back as the brain heals. For us it is also about being multiple. I wonder if depression is really not sleeping. Anyway there is lots of work to be done with figuring out what to do now.

Lets work on the zumba as that effects tomorrow. The truck will have to wait until thur. Part of the reason that Zumba should be put on hold for October is the shorter days. We need to totally regroup to deal with that. As far as actually physical activity that we can cover if we use the rowing shell. There is no such thing as a full body work out. The rowing shell is close enough so that we will not go backwards. It is true that rowing uses all your muscles there is zero lateral movement. We are fortunate in that the Zumba will be there if we want it. We will want to do some mat work and know enough about that to do it on our own. There is really little risk in that we can not come back from these changes.

It seems that knowing we have never had a winter with out horror is a big deal. It is kinda like when we knew that we would once again have sun in the spring and if we could make it through the winter.

We are up right now. Kinda in a high speed wobble. We understand those and know how to use them.

One key for us is we are OK with telling our therapist that we have never had a winter that was not a horror. That for us is kinda the litmus test. That means to us we are correct. We stay away from telling her things we are not sure of as it causes more work later.

Right in this moment we feel like we have a chance of not crashing this winter. Knowing we have never been sucessful is very important. It is also weird but part of it is about my family. If they thought that we were doing well they really started t look at how could this benefit them. I really think that my mother is still waiting for us to come out of it so we can do something for her. We are going to do something that we hate and that is to hide that we are doing better and have a chance. Just do not want to protect ourselves from my family.

Back to the Zumba. Is it abut staying away from people? We have a sense it is not that is just an added benefit. How we know is we are looking forward to seeing the people that we are going to see and we hope that we can work it out so we can take our free clay class.

It could just be that are excited to have got through September and feel positive about OCT. It does seem we can go for it and fail. Much work has been set up tp make this the case. It is all rowing shell dependent. The rowing shell can be Zumba equivalent and it is outside. We will miss the music and dancing it will be Ok for a month or two. We are going with that October is warm enough for us to use the rowing shell. It will give us a lot of flexibility.

OK we went swimming and worked on the changing on site., More on that later. We went in the water and it was cold. Our goal was just to do some immersions. We did that and started to swim back in. There was a point where we said OK this is dumb it is time for a wet suit. Swimming back in we did not get warm we were very very comfortable. So we swam back out. You do have to watch it because if you think the water is warm you have about 10 min to get our of the water and get warm as you are close to deep hypothermia.

So we need to work out if we want to change on site. It is a hassle. We are beside the road and behind our car so it is not really and issue. The changing. We have a robe and so we are not exposing ourselves. It is a hassle. That being said we bet it will get easier as time goes on. We think that we want to try it again. We did it this time just to see if it had any chance of working. It is weird how the cold water makes our muscles feel so much better. The rowing in intense and our abductors are very sore. The cold water really takes the soreness away.

So we will sleep tonight. We did try our meditation and it was a no go. There is lots to be worked out with that.

Being realistic it has been one week since we went to the good-bye place.

So we will sleep tonight. It is just past 7:00. This is how the days getting shorter are hard for us. For years what we did was end our day by going to the pool if we could get there. Ok that is good info.

NO we are not getting anything. We need to regroup. We have not even started to address the swimming. We are going to start with going back over that. It was warm today. It is going to be much much different when the air temperature is cold and the wind is blowing. We need to have a towel on the ground or we will get sand in all our clothes. It is a reasonable way to do if we park right and a good place to park should be available especially if it is cold out. So when we leave we need our suit, a towel for the ground, a towel and our robe. It is going to be even more hassle when it is go cold to wear shorts. It is going to take a lot of preparation and thinking. It is worth it. It is less of a hassle than the wet-suit. It still may not work out. That is OK now we are not working on such a small margin of error. OK that is good work.

OK that is as much as we can do today. Right now it does seem possible to hit things hard. Pretty much we are going all multiple. The important thing is that we protect therapy. We do not think we will lose sight of that. It really is the only chance we have of having a winter that is not horrible. That being said those that are out have no experience with the horror of winter. That was their job. So if we hit things hard and it all goes south that has to be OK.

 

OK

September 28, 2013

We think we are on to something with the immersions. It is a matter of not thinking about it. If we concentrate on how cold the water will be with our out wetsuit it will not work. We get our head right for immersions in the water. As cold as the water is going to get we will want to do it on the breach. We do not want to get our head right before that as that takes too much energy. Perhaps get our head right to get our head right.

This can not be dash in thing. That will have either no effect or a negative one. We do think that it strengthens the immune system., We do not by it hardens the body rather it is more like a stretch. It is part involuntary in the the body just changes from the immersion. Part of it is knowing I am going to be cold and then knowing I am going to be warm. Knowing when I am cold and knowing that I am getting warm and then that I am warm. To long and it will not be good for us.

We do have to stay in the water long enough for out body to adapt to that temperature.

It can not be a challenge to see how long we can stay in and we do not want to do anything to make it easier. If we walk briskly before we go in the water we could stay in longer. We know all about that. We may want to do that it can not be about a test or a challenge.

We are going to where we will immerse and also make a decision on if we want to go for the scarecrow thing. At least the caper for our Zumba class. I have two weeks. It is understood now it does not matter what our therapist does as long as she is part of it. She can help with making the hat which will not take very long.

It is going to be a clear day so we can get sun. It is Sat so the track should be open.

Over all what is going on is we have dealt with the effects of therapy and now we do not need as much preparation what is wanted to be done in therapy is known. That does not mean that things that are not known might not happen it is that it is easier to get our head right. We think some of our sleeps are now not needed due to integration. We can go do stuff this morning where before it was needed that we write here than nap. We will still need to sleep later.

I can not express how much having grieved the way we have has made experiences possible that were not before. To be clear we could always have pulled off the scarecrow caper. When we were done we would say. “That is not it.” It does not mean that it was not fun or that we did not get as much out of it as most people would it was that we would be sad and confused as to why. We do expect to be sad after the caper. We will wish that those that were killed could be with us and be sad that they can not. 

There is lots else going on with the caper.

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OK we worked on the costume for the caper. We used our processing trauma shirt for the mask. A shirt with holes cut in the eyes and then the shirt glued to the sunglasses. We have to let the glue dry. The orange trauma shirt is very worn thin. We used to so our therapist and all of us knew it was going to be a rough session. We went to the store to buy cheap sunglasses and when we were there we saw a scream mask that would have worked. We did not want to do that and it was different for us how we knew. We have picked out our mittens that we are going to wear on our hands. There were made special by a friend with very very long “sleeves” We had mentioned we hate the space between mittens and our jacket cuffs. She died a few years ago. We can move the mittens out on our hands and turn them around to distort our human shape. Our hair is big enough to distort the mask. At least we think so. It is coming together and we are very excited. We are not going to want to wait until the 11th and may not.

OK we need to wait at least a day for the glue to dry on our mask. Then we have to glue the sunglasses to the other lens.

We went for a row. It gets much easier each time. We learned we can get sun rowing as long as we are not deprived. We went to the track and there was a soccer game going on so we went rowing.

Making the mask is intense. The whole thing is going to be intense.

We understand now we can not ask the question as to if some are going to need sleep. It really depends on how hard they work and that depends on lots of things. They are always working hard it is a matter of how effective it is. More effective means tireder as does ineffective. The great Zumba yesterday wore us out. Play is hard work. If it does not go well that is its own tired.

We may or may not be able to get an immersion in. That is OK as we had one yesterday.

May not come across in our writing. This is a lot easier and a lot more efficient. Still a long way to go.

We are very excited about our rowing shell and are looking forward to the spring. That and running are the only two things that are hard for us to do. That and hiking up steep trails. We are toying with the idea of that is what our winter is going to be about. It will not be just do nothing if it is not related to the rowing etc. Just it would be nice to have something to look forward to that is more concrete.

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We are working on this is better for all of us and not measuring on what should be or could be if we did not have to do all this work. That is possible now. This time of year has always been a horror since we started therapy. Ironically it was the best of times before. Fall is when we made shit happen. It is when we would go on fugues and such or at least start them.

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Our body is getting stronger. It seems the hip flexors are kinda being left out. We wonder if it is not just the other muscles are weak so we can not really work them. It could just be we are impatient. We are going to watch for exercises that we do not do well in Zumb/mat. What started all of this is that there our abductors are the weak link in rowing. They get tired long before any of our other muscles do. We think we do exercises in such a way to prevent working our abductors. As we write it does seem we are going in the right direction and just need to keep working on form and that includes what ever walking or running we do.

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A woman by accident went to 1/2 of a class that is called mat flow. We are thinking that might be a good thing for us.

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We seem to have what to do in the morning pretty much set. We do not always do it. As we do not always do it the afternoons are more chaotic. That kinda makes sense as we have therapy in the morning and have exercise class in the morning.

Right now our focus is on making sure that we are able to sleep at night. If that does not happen than the morning does not go well. We have very very little in our life that is not critical. We do not make it so it just is.

That is as far as we can go right now without more discovery. The discovery with the rowing shell went great. They kayak went well also. We are not sure we are done with the kayak. We will have to check and make sure it is not the association with being sadder than sad.

 

Frustrating

September 27, 2013

I have no idea what is going on. It seems the right thing to do although that has always ended up in failure in the short term.

We think yesterday was a success yet ragged. It seems to be wanted that we do not do the between sleeps in the same way. As far as I know the plan is to go to Zumba mat and then come home and sleep. In effect skipping a in between sleeps. It seems to not be wanted.

We did have a question about the meditation. We were wondering if it was not a good thing. That it resulted in a going away. That has what has happened before. As far as we know that is not it.

We still have not been able to get out head right for coloring.

OK we may have it. Only way to know is to try. We may have made the same error with swimming that we did with the sun. Our measure is if we are not swim deprived. That seems to fit. We may be wrong. It does seem to fit. We also do not think it is the actual swimming. We think it is the immersions.

So we have a possibility and it is a good possibility.

This is hard. We have had enough hard.

We do not know what is going on with anything and that kinda makes sense as we have started to grieve our loss of Molly and Jake.

If you go to Ellen Lacter’s web page and read the 30  kinds of torture for extreme abuse I have been at some level involved in all 30. Obviously I have never been impregnated etc. The indoctrination against religion is not a big deal to me and that is likely as I was not anyones child that was in the groups. Pretty much they gave it their best shot it just was not part of my daily life. You can not indoctrinate someone in a cage.

There are lots of things not listed in the 30 kinds of torture. Killing of people you love is not on that list.

We think we are correct on the swimming. Problem is that we are now really messed up from the not swimming so it is going to take a while to come back.

You know what I think. I think getting our head right for coloring means that we can fool ourselves into thinking things are going to be OK.

So we are off to Zumbamat and then we sleep and see if swimming is the one of the answers. We have to get our head right. We could go swimming right now and not even have any idea if that is what we need. It is getting easier.

OK we are back from Zumbamat. It was a great session. In part as we went out the side door and stretched getting our head right and avoiding the chatter. We believe that the good sessions are really just the reward for the bad ones. Kinda like the more we practice the luckier we get.

The swimming things is not with us right now. We have a sense that is because of the good session. We also think it is really more about the immersion than anything else in that the immersion is the one thing that can not be replaced. We understand that being in the water changes blood pressure and how the heart works. We think for us it is really much about the brain and activating the dive response. It is not as simple as just jumping in the lake. We do seem to have Zumbamat so we can adjust to what is going on with us both physically and mentally.

The swimming not being with us is not unlike we do not feel tired yet we expect to be able to sleep. We are aware that we are doing the inbetween sleeps much different.  It was forecast to be a sunny day. That has not happened as of yet. Being honest we are kinda smug as we have enough sun.

We are at the point again where we could do this work very nicely if we could afford it. Interesting we were going to write healing and that is not what is really going on right now.

So time for meditation and body scan. One thing that is happening is we do have more time in a day as we are not out if it as much. That is a huge huge help.

Flat out if we were not worried about the sun and the length of days we would feel like we could just go for it. We are not going to be OK with the sun and length of days until we have been through this winter. If we fail this winter than it will be next winter. We seem to be OK with the other three seasons.

A note on the sun and the length of days. People around me are shutting down a bit. We can tell. The chatter at Zumba is a little more subdued. There is more talk of injuries. People are in general just a little bit more grumpy and complaining,  We have  watched what effects people our whole life.

It was a really really good Zumb/mat session. We see how that can be a no nap thing. We do Zumba/mat all about form. We do not push to accomplish the moves to the point we lose form. That is kinda hard to not take the shortcut. We knew in our head and heart that if we stayed with the form it would work out. We feel it really showed this session. We did use the weighted balls instead of the weights. We did not use them all session as we wanted to make sure we did not mess up our hand again. We did not. We do think we are close to wanting to get heavier weights. We use three pound now. We are not going to order them I do not think. We know we will want them so if we see a 4 pound weight we are going to buy them. That feels good especially the lack of angst about it.

OK this is what happened. We had the great Zumbamat experience. We went to sleep. I have no idea how long we slept. It is key that we have cereal to eat when we get up. This work is that hard. We understand now that when we had a positive experience that energy was used to keep going it was not used to sleep. It is a physical thing and caused by extreme trauma starting at birth and continuing until until at least age 12.

We understood this when we woke up. We actually had two sleeps. We got up and ate and then went back to sleep. The second time we got up we were hungry. The sun was going down and we were good with how much sun we had which is pretty new. We then understood that our head was in the right place to go swimming. We also know that we had not eaten and that going swimming in the cold water was a risk. We might be out of it after we swam and there was the risk of hypothermia because we had not eaten. There was the issue with our injuries quad and that it would be the first time in our wet suit. It is much different on the body swimming in a wet-suit due to the buoyancy. We had no real time to figure anything out as the sun was going down. (That is one of the things we are adjusting to. The days being shorter decreases our options.) We are pretty much OK for the next two days and we decided to take the risk.) We had a concept that the swimming was much about the immersions. Went to the lake to discover. What we discovered is that cool water swimming is not the same. It had a different effect on us in many ways. The immersion has the same effect. It does something with our brain. It is not the exercise. That is a different effect. We are thinking in terms of it has a different zen. It would also be different if it was cold water and it was warm weather.

We also had a very very specific plan for food after out swim and shower. We need to rinse out wet-suit and we do it in the shower. We went and got a pizza.

So we now have the immersions as part of how we can deal and heal. We like that deal and heal. We may be swimming in the dark sometimes and that will be a little different. The immersion is the main thing and everything else we can deal with now know the uniqueness of the immersions. We will actually be calling it that at least to ourselves.

We did swim and expect that we will be able to have a special zen although it will be different from the summer. We should be able to keep up with the immersions for the month of OCT.  We did do some swimming and it was nice. It was not our focus and does not need to be now we have the Zumbamat.

Hopefully tomorrow we will be able to go out in our rowing shell. We really want to get the discovery done on that to the point we can reasonable predict what it will be like for us in the spring. We have it in our head that we need to be more adapt at it or we will not want to do it when it is cold. We had in our head that it would be a substitute for swimming. Just a misunderstanding due to water being involved.

We have all the information available on pools in the area. Actually with in hour radius. One thing that would really help is to not have to drive to the pool. There is a local pool that we have written about. The air there is not good and so it is not OK for swimming. We might we able to do our immersions there. The other pool requires that two people swim together. That is just not going to work for us with the immersions. That and the schedule is not flexable. It is not like we can set tit up so we need an immersion

On a deep level it is not that we can discover on levels other than intellectually. When ever we got to that place before it was that we wanted those we loved not to be dead. We did not know that grieving was a possibility. That is because we were all alone in our grief.

People are better at not having t grieve than grieving. On the whole most people we know suck at it,. it is also not possible to grieve until the loss is complete. You can only grieve what loss had happened. This is critical to me as my mother is not dead yet.

Where were we.

There is a healing that can take place from going from cold to warm temperatures. We expect this is from the artificial temperature that is possible for humans. I can give a good example of keeping it more normal and how it works. If you work outside and it is hot you learn not to use AC in your truck. Thing is if you have it than you use it. Men that work outside gravitate to trucks with a sliding back window. If you work out side and it is cold you do not turn on the heater or you will mne messed up all day. You dress for outside and only use the heat to keep the windows clear.

Two years ago we manipulated this cold warm thing with some success and it is what lead us to knowing how we need sun and lead to the tanning booth. The pool we were going to. was very warm. We would get out of the pool and take a cool shower. This worked until we did not have enough sun and then it became where it used up our sun energy. Had we swam say 1/2 mile to night that would have depleted our sun energy and we might have got hypothermic. In the summer the lake has excess sun energy and you can get some by swimming at night. Not so right now or we can not feel it due to the wet suit.

Actually that might be a better plan. How about we just go swimming for a very short time without a wetsuit. That might be best. It would require that we figure out how dry off, Actually that idea has already been started to be explored by some. The idea is to use a robe so that we can get out of our wet bathing suite. This work does not lend itself to well lets wait and see. It is a constant battle to do what is best as that makes it easier when we have no idea what to do.

As a multiple the way it worked was for some of us to solve a stated problem. (We need to be able to go in the water without a wetsuit.) Thing is we are not sure that is what is needed. That is why things can not be solved like that.

We actually right now were relieved and a little excited that some of us could go off and solve this problem. The issue is we do not even know it is a problem. There is also the question is the immersion really healing or a mask. With much of this work it can be both. All depends on we get our head right.

In this moment we are liking the immersions without a wetsuit and exercise else where. Thing is the swimming is very balancing and it could just be we did not experience that due to having this being the first time we were in a wet suit.

We have now experienced in a different way that things are over. We do not need to do the Rubic cube to heal our brain anymore.

So it is time for sleep. We need to back of the hopefully we can go out in or rowing shell. That could get in the way of discovery.

Or goal is to really need nothing. We do not want to need to go to a pool nor to even have exercise classes. We do not want to have to go to the art studio.  We are not speaking of we want our own pool, or own exercise room our own art studio. That is not what we are talking about.

We do not want to have to do all this manipulation just so we can sleep.

Sometimes yet not often and certainly not much help we do get the feeling that all this work is going to pay off. That we will be more something than was possible had we never had our experiences and done the work. Probably just a rationalization. I have heard people say that they connect with people that have been hurt on a deeper level as they have experienced trauma. I know that not to be true. The least PTSD person I ever knew was gifted with children that the experts said could not even know she was there. Funny thing they would smile when she came into the room. She could work with children she knew were going to die and be happy to see them.

Sometimes we just cry this is all so hard to figure out.

 

 

 

Between Sleeps

September 26, 2013

We are in between sleeps. We were able to sleep. It was a gentle sleep. We are aware that we expected not to be able to sleep. We seem to be wrong quite a bit these days. It is taking some getting used to. We seem to be slowing down for the winter. Might just be less PTSD.

There is a gentle melding/integration and going away.  It is internal and it is some of “The Boys” Physically there is the alignment thing.

So there is a “Linger Longer” thing after Zumba. It is pretty much a hang out after Zumba. We do not want to go. We do not want to put the effort into contributing to the potluck and we do not want to hang out afterwards. Pretty much we have other things to do. We really really want to just be left alone. That being said if we were excluded that would hurt. Perhaps we like to be the one to exclude. Here is the thing we are going to be asked if we are going. It could be easier to just go. We don’t do that sort of thing.

We just do not enjoy those types of thing. We get bored and then make something happen. We do not really want to entertain. We are good at it.

Zumbamat is getting to be a hassle. Maybe it is time to go. We did think about taking a break.  We do not do the time to find something else thing.

Anyway it is a regroup day. A do things by the numbers. I do think we need to do something. A get away or do something that takes some effort other than trying to figure out how to heal. We need to take care of our body. Mostly the eating. It has been pretty bad. We had chocolate cupcakes for supper last night. We did so we could sleep and it worked. It was a case of if we had the cupcakes we would be sick and not want to eat.

We have been parts of many many groups. We are well accepted that is not it. Its boring is what it is. We used to go to a pig roast. It was a three day affair. Lots of drinking. We would go when they were doing something like setting up the pit etc. When they sat around drinking we would play ball with the kids at the party. We would leave when it got dull and come back. We would stay afterwards and clean up. It is what we liked to do. Hanging out is fun sometimes.

Anyway we are between sleeps and reality is we have no idea what will be going on when we wake up. Actually now we may know at least until the end of October.

October is a funny month weather wise. The leaves all change color and fall off. By November they are all gone other than the beeches and a few birches. They blow down in a winter storm or sometimes a big storm in OCT takes them down. There are some nice days. There can be 10 days where the sun doesn’t shine. It can snow although it seldom stays. One the trees and plants go dormant the soil gets wet. Plants use a lot of water. It gets windy and stays that way until spring. Snow here is really an iffy thing.

We have noticed that people herd up in the fall. That and there is often a rush to do something before the winter. Then November comes which is seldom anything but boring. There are not the big snows and the snow is not fun as it is usually wet. December is usually raw and not much snow. There can be cold snaps but they are rare. January is when the snow usually really comes. It is cold but usually not as raw. Winter has really settled in and there is not much chance of bright sunny weather. February is cold. There can be some really really beautiful snow storms and ice storms. March is dreary for the most part. Even if there is a nice storm we are sick of it. The snow can get very wet and heavy. April is really just better than March it is May when the good weather may come

Right now we are thinking of applying for a job at two ski areas. Just something to do and we would make some money. It would be pretty much a fox thing. It would be a lot of driving.

We really are not up for anything. We do not want to take art classes. If we work at a ski area that would mean no Zumba. It would mess up therapy as we would not have three days to regroup. Maybe we want to mess everything up to regroup. We are very very OK with if we get a job at a ski area and want to quit that is what we will do. We are not going to sty in a situation we do not like. Maybe we will get another lightning bolt earring.

Right now we just want to be left alone. That might be that we have inherited a leave me alone body. It might just be the normal melancholy from grieving.

This is interesting. There is the thought of eating now and staying up and going for a walk in the sun and then go to sleep. I think that is about making the day longer.

We have done some stuff. We forgot that this time of year we have to wait for the sun to burn off the morning haze. It is 7 and the sun is still not out.

I think the challenge today is to end the day in better physical shape than we are in right now. To do that we need to rest. We may need a swim.

There has been a thing going on for years where we needed to get mad to get anything done. Right now it feels like that has been traded for we need to be beat up.

Reality is we have just been through starting to grieve two people we loved. It had not even been a week since we went to the good-bye place. It is hard as it did happen long ago. That does not mean it is still not hard.

Good news is our quad is almost healed and that has only been a week. Or knee is messed up. That is to be expected with the quad being injured.

Guess it is best to take a nap and go for a walk after the sun comes out. We could do a test to see if the 80% of sun that comes through the clouds is effective. That is what we are going to do. We are going to make our oatmeal and then go for a walk then nap. Sun might be out by then.

This going for a walk and feeling better is new for us. Before it was about being a productive member of society.

We have done some things and eaten. It was much different the doing things when we are not doing so well. It was still fun to send marbles to the woman who is responsible for us being published in a school magazine in Nigeria. It was OK to send the e-mail to the jerk who is not paying us. He will it is just a hassle and one we do very well at avoiding.

We are going for a walk and see what happens. The sun is kinda out. We are Ok with if the track is being used we will need to regroup. They way it worked before is some really did not know it was not possible the track would be used. They were told we were going for a walk.

 

OK we have eaten our second breakfast and we went for a 1 mile walk. We also ran a little over a 1/8 of a mile.  We are working our way up to a 1/4 mile. Hard emotionally for a former marathoner to have that as a goal. We are not going to make it happen and have no schedule. Now we are going to take a nap.

We are pretty confused. We hope writing will help. We did take a nap and it was a good nap. We did our meditation and Kitty was on our chest. We fell asleep with him on our chest. We woke up feeling pretty good.  We had a phone call and answered it. It was about a job and it was a site we knew about. It was a big enough job where we could have gone south for the winter for at least a month. Important to know that we did a lot of things between sleeps. We set up a site visit for 3 and all then it all got weird. We think it was from the melding of “the boys” we were very clear headed on one hand and confused as to what was going on the other hand. We had a sense that some feared that others were going to go away. We made that our focus which was hard as the job was important. We had a few hours to work things out and figured we would wing going to the site. We had to comb our out hair as it was all tangled. This is not a small project when it gets like this. We were all over the place and it was not crazy it was just confusing. In a way we could not know what was going on with those that were out as they had so changed. We ate some crap and were already to go to the site. We were in a way more ready than usual with out as much effort. On the other hand we were out of it.  We did not have anything to drink on the way and that is because those that were out did not carry water with them. We had a strong sense that we have lost that those that melded were from when we thought we had saved Molly and Jake. We went to the job site and the person was late as they went out to run a quick errand. Not a good sign. It is a restaurant by the way. Pretty much you set up an appointment at your time in the morning and we expect you to be there. We were able to start the work as much of what we do has to do with the soils, land and hydrology so we checked that out. I met with the guy and he was kinda messed up and not really with it. Just weird. We met with him and then was introduced to a man and a woman. I still do not know who the owner is our who is making the decision. I am guessing the woman is the money behind things and the guy that called me is a employee. I have a sense it is not money that she made. No idea what nationality they are.

The conversation was disjointed from my view although it could just be that it was so different for us as a multiple. We really thought we had the job and think we almost did but the woman got overwhelmed with information. What I do is complicated and does not lend itself to quick understanding. Reality is that is what my job is for. The had other issues with the EPA and the regulatory body that handles restaurants. They had no real clue what was going on and yet were confident. I am OK with that to a degree. It did kinda get messed up as I was not dealing with the first guy I talked to. It is dicey when you have to tell someone who does not know you that they have it all wrong. Pretty much neither the EPA nor the restaurant board has jurisdiction. They will take it if you let them. I can stop that. They did not hire me for that and not many people are capable of stopping this sort of thing. They were not working with me so I am Ok that they drop 20 to 40 grand. Not my job. With me I would not have time to do anything I got paid for if I kept after all these things. Some clients get it and they save a lot of money.

I may still get the job and it is set up so it will be a good one. It is doubtful I will get it as I am more expensive to hire for the simple reason the job is less expensive over all if I am involved. Many people get this. I have my doubts about this group.  I am guessing money not earned with stipulations is involved. We also are pretty sure that if the first guy was the one to make the decision we were in.

So we left the job site and got an e-mail that we were going to get paid by the jerk and that was a good thing. It is not a lot of money and it was more abut the hassle.

So we drove home and on the way home we bought a grinder as we knew were might have the instant hunger thing. We did not go right home and drove to the lake that is close and stood in the sun for a bit. We were confused. We were deciding if we should take out our rowing shell or go for a swim in our wet suit. We knew we had enough sun and then we decided we would take a nap knowing that with the day being shorter there was not going to be any swimming or rowing. We slept like a rock. It is dark now. We got quite a bit done today which is nice. What is more important is we had more energy available for stuff.  So the question is did we leave some away. It was not like we had any choice. It was different as we knew exactly  why we were doing this job and that was to make money so we could heal. Way way different than well make some money and maybe something good may happen or maybe you can feel less horrible.

OK that is what happened now we need to know why and why some are threatened. We think it is about exercising and having eaten and not eaten junk. OK we remember we were going to take a day and heal and made it to noon. That is what happened. Got it.

OK we are out of it. We thought we were sitting in a chair we had 20 years ago. Just the brain healing and such. We are more than sure that when this happened before there were always deaths and horror that also came from the healing.

We forgot all ready. It is about the running. That causes us to go away. Other things do also they are more noticeable. If we drive all night then we go away. If we say climb a mountain than we get tired and go away and then we find our way back. The running is different.

Oh I forgot. We went to a store and had a pendent on that we had made. The person commented they liked it and I explained that I made it. I told them about my marbles and then went back in and showed them. They thought they were cool and that has not happened in a long time.  Part of it is how we have been. To be clear we have been grieving the death of Molly and Jake it is not that some do not know how to have fun or anything. Or they were in the way of us having fun etc.

We know lots and lots is changing. We also think that it is much about our perception. That does not mean it has not changed rather it is not going to be noticeable nor are outcomes going to change. Using the site visit today it was much different for us. It was not much different for our clients than it would have been before. Impossible to explain.

 

 

It is a day after therapy

September 25, 2013

Looking back therapy yesterday was kinda therapy lite. Caused as we are going through a re-entry phase. It is that the therapy was so intense last week that this week was lite.

We are now confused about the rowing shell. Last night it was all about put it up for the winter and last night we felt or at least some of us felt pretty good as we had rowed the shell. OK we get it now the rowing shell is not going to be the go to for getting sun. If we have enough sun than we can decided to go out in the rowing shell or not. In a way we needed to sleep on it. The whole concept of sleeping on it can be a coping thing. It interferes with what needs to happen in sleep. It is not unlike how structure works. You can structure out healing and the world will love you if you serve them.

So we slept in and are up against the clock. Due to our experiences this is a way others who had no control of their time as a child get left away. What we need to do is to just go with what come up and know we are likely tired or some of us are.

We react without going away within the limitations of time. A client e-mails us and we can switch and do that work and it does not affect us. If we have to initiate than that is a going away.

So we did not get a whole lot of sun yesterday and none in the morning. We do not have a handle on how these types of mornings go as we have never had one. Last wed we slept thru Zumba and this week it seems we are not going to.

We are noticing a tension in our jaw. We think this as we are more “advanced” at the crunches so we are not doing neck crunches. At this point it is just something to be aware of.

We are rushing to be sure. We can eat go for a walk and go to Zumba then come home and sleep. That would not work well in the long run.

We think we understand now about the P-Coat. It was driving us nuts. It is about clothes in general. My mother pretty much bought crap for me on purpose under the guise of having no money to try and keep me down and punishing me for being alive and my sister was not. A way to blame me for her part in her death. She was not at all blameless and had to know it seeing the results of what happened to my body. The exception to the clothes was the clothes she made. She sewed quite a bit. She was good at it to a degree. No design. She could follow a pattern. She took pride in that so the clothes she made me were of good quality. I had one nice sweater that my grandmother knitted for me. So my mother made a mistake and bought me a p-coat for my birthday. I looked very good in it. I can not yet remember when that was. It is also possible that I bought it for myself when I started working. It will come to me.

So when pathways get opened up sometimes they take a weird turn. We are now going through all the clothes that we have had that we liked. We did this once before and it got interrupted and we expect we were working on Molly’s and Jake’s death.

Now when I say we are going through all the clothes we wore it is not like a linear task. It starts like that and then if we rest and sleep it just goes into place. An issue with this is those of us that had a nice piece of clothing only could do so if the clothing appeared in a lull in the horror. That is the real association. We had some green shorts that we liked. They had pockets. We had them on when the to twins were skinned and dismembered alive. It is reasonable to assume that they must have been very very strong willed or they would not have been killed. If they were submissive they would have been valuable to the traffickers. Not many survived into adulthood. With the steady supply of humans to traffic due to the baby boon the traffickers had many choices.

So we need to get out head right to have out oatmeal. It is easier to get out head right for Zumba as there is the group dynamic. We have morphed into being the center of attention. We are dragged into it and knew were were going to be. Part of it is we are teachers pet which often happens. We are also being pursued by one woman.  There is another one who started in and we have that handled. We wish we did not have to spend our energy this way yet it is our reality.

Part of this is tied into our apparel. We wear bright colors. Just do. Well much to much is made of it. We also wear our hat which is cool. The main reason is it is a key to staying in form and a key to when we are warmed up. We take out hat off once we are warmed up.

It is a big change and an asset to know about the sun the way we do. It is much easier to get enough sun when you never get deprived. It is beneficial on many many levels. Key is to not make it about doing better other than defining getting better as healing.

We do expect to be healed. We really believe that it is about grieving.

All that being said it seems out p-coat disappeared. We have lost lots of clothes as we are multiple. If one wears something somewhere and another leaves than we may forget it. It also could be we threw it in the river to try and get rid of one of us that was abused. That is what happened. We threw it off the same bridge that a fetus was thrown off after an abortion that we witnessed. That was a neighbor. And the abortion was performed by the local doctor who was also the local drug dealer. He was part of the cult and would take off for a month somewhere. I have no idea who he liked to abuse although there were indications that it was young men yet older than I.

We expect that there is much that we threw away to get rid of some of us or feelings that we had. Pretty much it has only been the last few years that we have kept anything that we just liked. We do have much from other people that we kept it is different if it is just yours.

__________

We have much more flexibility now. Most if it is we are under less stress. Although it has only been a few days since we went to the good-bye place I can not begin to express what a positive difference what grieving we have done has made. Much of the difficulty of our work is our experiences do not fit what mot people have to deal with. If people you loved were not tortured to death what you know about trauma is not applicable. It is up to you do decide if my understanding means anything to you.

_________

We go through aligning . We expect it is related to our immune system kicking in. last night we had that. It was very very painful. It was  a pain in side our spinal cord about a foot of it in our upper neck. There was no way to stay with it. We passed out. We can feel it now and need to be very careful with it. Not only is it painful it is scarry.

We almost wrote that we avoided disaster. It might not be as dangerous as it used to me. We will only find out by experience. We knew we were rushing. We went to have our oatmeal and there wa no milk. That before when in the middle of the stress of grieving we might end up not knowing where we were or who we are. We bought breakfast and went to Zumba. We somehow messed up the time and were early. We went outside and stretched in the sun. That way we did not have to talk to anyone. Zumba was fun and we did well with it. We then needed to come home and take a nap. When in Zumba the sun went behind a cloud and we were kinda panicked. We had a candy bar and went for a mile walk in the sun. We just did not want to risk not being able to get enough sun.

So we are good with the kayak, rowing shell, walking and Zumbamat. We would love to make all sort of positive changes that is just not happening right now as we have to figure out this winter. Very possible this will all be for naught and we will sail right through. Not worth the risk. We have noticed that by not waiting to get sun deprived we do not have the intense desire to get sun on our whole body. It would be nice. It is not the need that it once was as far as we know.

So that leaves swimming. We have not been in the lake in about a week. We are not driven to go in the lake although there were a few times we almost bolted to the pools. It might have been best. We did figure out that the last time we went to the pool we did not do any immersions. They are very important.

There is something going on when we go to the point not in time. We are not getting it or there is nothing that needs doing. It is new what ever it is.

There is a pond nearby and it is drained. Many people have told us to go as it is really cool. We think it is more about their pond is cool than anything else. We would kinda like to see it. It is much about we feel like it is something to get over with.

Lots of people ask us if we use the kayak much. I do not think we really know why they ask. Maybe they are just trying to make conversation that I do not want or maybe they want to find out about it.

Anyway we are not caught up and we need to take a nap. We are done with Candy Crush as we took it to the point where we would have to learn about it rather than figure it out. It is a well designed program to get you to keep playing. That does not work with us and it aggravating.

______________

OK. We are tired this is hard.

We laid down and tried to nap. Was not happening even with out being aware of out breathing and body scan. It is quite possible the most important times of body scan and being aware of our breath that do not seem to go well are the most effective. Does not matter.

We went and ate rubbish and then we were able to do our meditation and went to sleep. We did not use to need the meditation to go to sleep.  The meditation is better for now as far as we know. Before we went to sleep we thought we would go swimming. Physically that is not happening now perhaps in part due to what we ate. Any way we  are were we are. Some one said we should go to a certain pond and see it drained. We said we would. Because we said we would than we felt obligated. This was just a Zumba thing where we were not ON. If we say we are gong to do something we mean we are going to do it. Part of it is if asked it is different for us as a multiple. One the ones out may have no idea what was said. Second we can not very often be honest. Well we were tired from processing a new murder we did not know about etc.

So we went to this pond more to figure out things than anything else. We got lucky and there is not access. (Note the person we talked to about the pond is a twit. we asked her if there was a way to get on the pond.) It was just a mix up. It is really we want people to just leave us alone at Zumba like they did before they got familiar to us. We pretty much stretched it out as much as we could.

We more and more are seeing that the days being shorter mess us up. We might be able to regroup and swim if the day was longer.  We can not really plan around it as we never know what is going to be going on. Just the way this work is.

Not only can we not always be honest some times the ones out might now we said we would do something yet not know why we did not do it. Part of it is we just get going. We have another one right now. We talked to a rowing pro we know on the phone at length and told him we would go right out and do what he told us. That is not best.

 

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We are frustrated and have a frustrated body. Those out are trying to solve things they can not. It is a great thing that we have these days of sun as it is going to get worse and we can use this time to figure things out. Reality is we can only figure out the next 30 days or so as the weather and day light is going to change. That and we know we are likely going to run our of money.

If we go out right now and work on the rowing shell or go swimming it would really be a case of some of us gathering information and bringing back to other. We are good at this but it is not very efficient. Those of us out might not have the same understanding. OK we can do the rowing shell now. We will be coming home in the dark that is OK.

We could not go rowing our knee is to messed up. It is funny we can row it is attaching the trailer and getting in and out of the boat.

We were WRONG we did not have a good understanding of our boat. Part of the reason our knee is a little messed up. It is a weird thing with us. For many reasons we know things that experts do not. They are usually not necessary to know. As an example all glass blowers that we know believe that their glass has the same coefficient of expansion. That is not the case the colors all are different reality is the glass they use and call having the same coefficient of expansion are really with in the range that is compatible. Artists think all colors are from the three primary colors. Actually There are many different combination that can make all colors. Look at you printer ink. And magenta can not be made from the three primary colors. As we are used to this and accept it when other people know things we did not about our areas of expertise we thought everyone understood this and they do not.

We are losing ground. That is different than getting behind. We do not expect to be able to sleep tonight. Things did not work out and they would have if the day was longer. Just the way it is.

We are going to the grocery store and then hope to take a salt bath.

It is so hard not knowing what is going to be best from hour to hour. There is a lot of adjustments for us all the time. It is getting better we just lost some ground is all. We hope.

We went to the grocery store and took a epsom salt bath. It seems we will be able to sleep.

 

 

 

 

Day of Therapy

September 24, 2013

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We did get all ready for therapy and were not late. We spent 1/2 and hour talking about things that might be causing what is going on. Came home and took a nap and know it was all of them. That is not good. It is our reality.

So we were not tired and laid down and slept for three hours. We expect what is going to happen is we are going to eat and then we are going to sleep again. What will happen then is we will wake up and it will be to late to get any sun as it will be down. There is nothing for it and we are doing a test run to try and find a way to deal with this winter.

We seem to not need to write here about all the things we talked about in therapy that are factors in what is going on.

This is new at least to me. One of us came to us in the place we go to in our mind and he was looking for a person in a white shirt and red pants. He asked me if I wanted a way to slow my middle down. That is what we always called what yoga people call your center. Actually the yoga people are referencing one small aspect. Anyway one came to us and he is from when we wore a P-coat I had no idea we ever did. i still do not know when we did. Anyway he told us if you want to slow your middle down then tug your color together and cluck with you your tongue. We have been shown many things in many different ways. That is the first time one of us has spoken to us that I know of. We do not know when the one with the P-coat was. We can figure that out. Just knowing about the P-coat has caused and over all switch. I think we are speeding up to adapt to the shorter days. This is different than not having enough sun and I do not think happens if we have enough sun.

____________________

We went out in our rowing shell. We have the set up all worked out. It is not going to work as a way to get sun. It takes to much sun energy to get to the water, get set up and learn how to row. We are thinking of putting it away for the year and putting our kayak on our trailer. No that is more hassle than just having it on the top of our truck. It is not that hard to get the kayak on and of it is more about our injured quad. I think we just need to accept that getting sun is going to be hard.

______________

So we may be doing things backwards. We are kinda working on making it so there the days are not shorter instead of adjusting to the days are shorter. Thing is we have things going along very effectively. The walking seems to work very well. Perhaps walk when we can and have the go to of throwing out kayak in the water if the walking gets messed up. We do think the issue with the kayak is that it was about grieving. it is interesting right now we see the best way to kayak is to just go to the closest place and paddle. It at least in our plan is not about the zen. That may be as we know it is going to get cold and that is not as much fun. Important thing is to get enough sun and know when we do.

____________

We met a multiple. We met her for a few min two years ago. We did not like here as she was pushy. Told us it was good that we were learning new skills. Anyway we talked to her for a long time. She does not know she is multiple she knows she was severely abused. Odd to talk about being prostituted in a somewhat normal conversation. We know her abuse was extreme. The  of her nose was cut off. She switched at least 10 times when we were talking to her. We expect she was pretty wound up talking to us.

She said something to the effect that she had been abused worse than me. I didn’t flip out. She said “I have you there” and I said. “No you do not.” Here is the thing. What we meant is that we lost our sister. it was not and really never has been about what happened to us. This is what I feel and think; our parents choose to not acknowledge the loss of out twin sister. It is all about them. They blamed me for being alive. They with innuendo hounded me my whole life.

OK we have a splitting headache. We have not eaten since this morning. Been awhile since we made that error.

We are either doing very well or headed towards a crash. We really have no clue which or how to find out other than wait.  Reality is we have not had a winter without a crash for a couple of decades if ever. We know for sure it is not that we do not have enough sun that is about it.

We were incorrect we did eat. Some of us did.

This is confusing.

 

OK

September 23, 2013

We are writing just to figure out what happened.

We did not sleep well. We think we have a way to have those that were out heal. They are healing it is just really hard for them.

We did wake up and it was wanted that we bring a biscuit to Mamma’s rock for the Blue Heron. It is very very important. Those of us out do not know much about it all.

We were all set to go to Mamma’s rock and then we got sick. It was out immune system kicking in. Think instant catching a cold and it going away as fast. We went for a walk at the track in the sun. Great break that there was sun. The grass was too cold to walk on for a long time in bare feet. We are no OK with that it will not last much longer. Being OK with it might be as there has been enough sun.

We went to Zumbamat without much of a plan. We are now talking to a lot of people and as far as I know that is OK. It is not our focus to be sure.

When we got sick one said I do not want to be sad anymore it is just too hard. We left Zumbamat and it was OK to bring the biscet to Mama’s rock. We got almost there and realized we had no biscuits. It was not that we forgot them those that wanted them were not out and about. We went and got biscuits and now it is not OK to go to Mamma’s rock.

Pretty much what is causing all of this is two things. It is very very hard to deal with two people that you loved dying from torture over time and it is hard to deal with having been starved. We now also know that one brother and my sister saw me when I was suffering from starvation it was upsetting to them and that was more important in my family than me having been starved. I was told to go some where else and that is why I went under the leaves where the leaves were dumped.

So we are going to do our meditation. It is evolving to pretty much a pay attention to our breathing and it morphs into a body scan. This is not better this is better for now.

We have often tried the going for a walk and it has failed. It could be as simple as it will fail again if we do not have enough sun. We think we have healed and so now it has a totally different effect. We are less PTSD and out body does not produce the same chemicals.

We have therapy in the morning and are feeling very rushed to get ready for it.

__________

So we need to make a decision on Zumbamat. It may be better right now for us to not go and do things on our own. Or it could be we have started talking to people so it is wrecking it for some of us. It We have the info we need for at least those of us that are out.

We have a sense that what has changed is when we do well do not need to leave others away to do so.

All that being said. Either we are doing much much better or we are headed to a crash without knowing it.

It could be the time of year or it could be that pieces that are missing are horror. We do have a sense there are other people that we knew in the jail cell. We say that is we seem to know to much what was going on when the last two people were murdered.

_______________

OK. We slept and woke up feeling horrible. We went to the track to walk in the sun. It was then known that it was wanted that we brought the biscuits to Mamma’s rock. We left the track with out going for a walk and went for a paddle to Mamma’s rock. Oh I forgot we did take a shower an that lead to us feeling well enough to go to the track. We went to Mamma’s rock and the blue heron did happen by. It was a nice easy short paddle about 2 miles.

We did not find out we were multiple we found out not everyone was. We do experience somewhat normal forgetting with out a group. We understand now why what people told us about remembering and learning was bullshit. What the real problem was was that they would not listen as they thought we were the same as them. It really went away in large part when we started working.

We wonder if what we are not experiencing in more normal grieving. We always experience normal grieving for out abnormal experiences.

Here is the thing. This morning we went for a walk in the sun and this evening we went for a paddle in the sun. We have enough sun energy. Not only will it be cold the sun would not have been up both when we walked and went for a paddle. Where I am there is sometimes 15 1/2 hours of sunlight and sometimes 9. That is a big spread. Ecuador is 12 and 12. We would prefer 15 and 15.

We also wonder if what we are experiencing is just our body adjusting to knowing the days will be shorter.

We can quickly read the news. What we see going on in the world is people are learning how to do the US bulshit thing in speaches. If I am right that is not going to bode well for the US. Things can be used as in the US had 5% of the population and 25% of those in prison. Words can be used like repressive. We may start to have terms like dissident or political prisoners. It also could be a good thing. We do nothing politically right now. When we did we liked to get involved in writing laws rather than who gets elected. That is one thing we can see never getting back to.

We have a busy morning getting ready for therapy. We know what needs to be done.

I may be done with the term sexual abuse and abuser. I think I am going with child rapist.

 

 

 

 

 

So

September 22, 2013

Actually it is more reporting.

It was a rough night last night. Caused by healing from trauma. We could not sleep. It is hard not to blame the taking a nap that would be easy and accepted. With the focus on the sun which is needed for discovering how to sleep we lost that it is all about sleep. We after hours regrouped and went to sleep. We went to a place in our mind and knew two things that we need to do next. We know little about them and that is fine. One has to do with leaving food somewhere for someone and the other is to use our yoga mat as a space in therapy. There are other things we know may have to be done and it seems OK that they wait. We went to the track. There were some mothers there running their kids. Standing on the side yelling and using a phone ap. It was disgusting. They might be educators. NO an educator would not even bother to go yell they would yell and instead of standing be home on the couch.

The sun was out all around the track and we were able to walk barefoot. We just walked without any goal We actually would have lost count of out times around the track if the mothers were not on the side lines. We went a mile a 1/4 of it we ran. It was easy for us and not the result of out physical activity rather the processing the trauma.

This would not be possible without our understanding of the sun.

And the pain came. We were debating if we should go out in our rowing shell or take a nap. We had eaten a ton of calories. We laid down and the pain came. We felt our body fill with silver. That is is close as I can come. Maybe mercury would be closer. 

Eating well is just not possible right now. We do think now it will come. Forcing it would be coping.

It is a beautiful day out.

We know the yoga mat is about one of us getting to be in therapy. That is all we know. What we saw in that place in our mind was clutter around something blue. It was below us which has meant in the past it is about having something go into the past. There was some very fun sliding down a ribbon of blue. We saw three of us all snuggly and that is how we got to sleep.

So now even though we are not tired and it is a beautiful day out we need to nap.

Running is very very good for us for different reasons. It is totally totally adjustable if you do not do it as it is a good thing to do. it can become very very mobil. One thing that is nice is the no gear other than clothes. The other is the cold. It is the easiest thing to do when it is really really cold out. Even easier than cross country skiing.   Running just by itself is not good for you.

If we run it is sometimes hard to get going. There has never ever been a time where we wished we did not go. We do not get hypothermic from running. Unlike swimming where you get to where you can swim for a long while and the only thing you can to is push harder with running you can just run faster. Actually we can do swimming what we can do running it’s just harder to look around. Maybe not we will have to see. Maybe we do not look around running maybe we just go in a zone.

Anyway it was fun to fun and we are glad we did.

At some point during the night we felt our immune system kick in. Most people would call it coming down with a cold. I see it all the time when people do exercise. They over train which means training harder than their body can heal from and is tied into everything. Emotion, water intake, financial etc. We thought we might have over trained. We knew that was not it when we went for our walk run. We were not pushing through anything.

I have written here often very often. The pain came or the pain is coming. We strongly suspect boarding on believing that this sickness was the remnants of that.

We are much much less PTSD than we were. We just ran 1/8 mile and it was fun and that is it. We are not starting to train for a marathon. We are not trying to increase it next time to 1/4 mile. We are not getting out the notebook and setting a schedule. We kinda want to. We are not driven.

All that being said we would like to take our rowing shell out. It may not be possible to row due to our quad. It is very specific what aggravates it. Running was no issue. Zumba was no issue other than lunges and getting up from the mat.

It is weird that the part of our thigh that is injured is the one we cut and slam our fist into until it is bruised. As it the injury which is so minor calling it an injury is kinda silly was a direct result of kicking a soccer ball it does not make sense that there is a connection. it was a different injury than I have ever had. I kicked the ball and my thigh just hurt. I guess I have never torn a muscle like that.

Anyway the challenge now is to rest. It is hard for lots of reasons. Intellectually we know it has changed. Before we rested and it was knowing there was a memory right behind.

If you think about it. How disruptive and how important is it to be grieving the death of two people you love that died on the same day both in horrible fashion.

We knew there was something. We do not know exactly how Jake died. We know we had to cut his throat to bleed him out. We think he was dead at the point.

It is different processing horror when you have done a lot of it and different when you know the people you love are dead.

Our right knee hurts. We may have to rehab it before we can run. It hurts less than when we started Zumba. That is a good thing.

Being honest we are pretty excited about being able to run again. We are excited about the rowing shell. There is one other thing that wants doing. We want to plant some bulbs for the spring. It is nice to know where all the gear is need to do that. Provided the bone meal is where we think it is. Being honest we have a nice auger for doing soils work. We can plant bulbs lickity split. We have some glad bulbs that we can plant. Thing is that would mean no vegetables. We found the bone meal. We can work that out. I wonder if the planting flowers is a substitute for coloring.

What is going on right now is some of us are stealing the energy that others need to sleep. It is the core of how we became more  multiple after we learned about what exercise did.

Pretty much we have been to the good-bye place and need to recover. If we rush that it will all be harder.

We are starting to prepare for spring. Rather than the way it was before which was find a way to get through we are kinda leaving markers that will show how well we did. Any why.

____________

An then the pain came. We were thinking of going our in our rowing shell and thought it best to see if we could sleep. We had a lot of calories. 

We saw/felt out body fill with a silver mercury thing. As close as anyone can come. We knew the pain was coming and it seemed best to let our body fill with this silver. (Note: I know this sounds crazy.) We have been meaning to write about this. It is when we have synthinisa and cognitive and or emotional pathways are not what they usually are. Often they are switched. A car driving by sounds like a jet plane. Colors are like being pummeled. Touch hurts just like a burn or electric shock. We stayed with the pain as best we could. It is not bothering us like it has in the past. It is not the we do not care thing. We are just not as out of it. Could be that it is just it is only starting. We can not know. We do wonder if it was not as bad as we have had enough sun. We also wonder if it is on the wane as so many things seem to be. We do not know and no one else does either. 

This can be a time of emergency. We do not think it is and we think that is because of the sun. We are pretty sure it would not have come in the same way if we had been able to swim. We think running helped this morning. We are out of it. If we had not had all the calories this might be an emergency.

We could not get up when in this pain. We do not know if we could have got up if the house was on fire. Only way to know would be if the house was on fire.

We drew a epsom salt bath. Bad news is we forgot we were doing so. Good news is we also forgot to use the drain so the water did not over flow. Bad news is all the hot water went down the drain. We seem OK with it. At times this would have brought us to tears as it might be the start of a long down hill slide ending in a crash.

We wonder about this needing to color. We wonder if what some are not telling us is that the pain is coming. We do know we could not get our head right to color. We could have got it done.

This pain is not physical in that it is something we have done that caused it other than grieving. We at least right now are OK with it all. We will see. We know we have no fear of tomorrow and expect to want to go to Zumba/mat.

We do think we would have just slept had we been able to swim yesterday. We are pretty sure it would have been at least not as bad. We expect it would have been just a very very nice sleep.

Lets face it. It has only been just over 48 hours since we went to the good bye place. How can we not be experiencing some things that are bad. It also took a lot to get to where we could go to the good-bye place.

We still think that we know what is going on.

We are now weak. It is different now we understand why.

 

Good-by place

September 21, 2013

We are between Sleeps

If we had been able to go swimming or even take a epsom salt bath we would be in much better shape. We knew it and it was impossible to make happen. We were just too worn out from going to the good-bye place which we will write about later.

We need to color if we do not it will be best that we go to the hospital. We have gone to the hospital for many reasons always a different one. We have done much work there and that too is always different. One of the things we have always done there is color. Sometimes we have done art therapy which is doing what others believe for no good reasons is the way to heal. By that I mean the being given directions. It can be a way to something meaningful it usually is just a brief diversion. If we do not color today we may have another window in which we can color and have it effective. It will get harder and harder. We never set a goal of not going to the hospital. We are multiple that is easy all we have to do is choose not to try and find a way to heal. 

Negative Energy— This is another coping way and is often used as blame or self blame. All you have to do is not “let” bad energy in and you will heal, that sort of rubbish. Just stay away from people with bad energy and you will somehow heal. The stay away from bad energy is a way to scapegoat other people, or can be. All that being said it does have some merit if not misused. Lots of things are like that.

Coloring is not easy. It has its own risks. Coloring allows healing and that means more hard work. Creating the situation to color and dealing with the changes is hard and if it gets messed up it gets real messed up. We think we are OK and we think part of the reason is there is not more murders of those we love that we have not brought into consciousness.

Our body is healing very fast. We are all but recovered from the exertion of the last week that was needed to get our head right. Our quad which was injured wed night is all but healed. We are a natural fast healer. Our immune system is very very strong and that may be because of the trauma starting at birth. It is a problem as our immune system kicks in when we are processing as the body thinks it is being attacked. We think that is what causes the CFS, TMJ fibro etc. Part of the issue with our immune system is we need a lot of sun to have it do all the work it needs to do. We expect this is the mechanism that causes delayed growth in those of us who have experienced extreme trauma.

We get that one thing that happens when approaching grief is we start processing other trauma. Some of it is finding something else to do that is easier. Who does not solve easy problems as a way to not address the harder ones? What happens is processing the other trauma instead of grieving get partially done. It is not the same as when it get interrupted due to circumstances beyond our control which sometimes is fate yet most often needing someone else to do what is asked and they do not.

We wrote last night we need a complete rebuild. The first step is to not get sun deprived, calorie deprived, sleep deprived or dehydrated. Interesting that is the base of our trauma. No it is a factor that was often the case. Actually some were always a factor as we were always sleep deprived as we did not know how and food was not plentiful for us. We expect that it is a different dynamic when everyone around you is going hungry and it is not just you that is not fed.

It looks like there will be sun today. We are going with our 7:00 thing and are going to be outside doing something this morning when the sun come up for us. The sun coming up for us is key as if we finish this writing and sleep past our 7:00 thing we need to regroup.

The processing the trauma has opened up many pathways in our brain and it is hard to deal with. Much about our swimming and where we swim is the time is flexible. The lake totally so when it is warm. The pool we have gone to available from 6 to 10 and we usually can find a way to be alone. The only drawback it the drive the time and the money. Lots of both. That it is in a large part driving  by out therapists office is new. The way to handle that is not to assume that need is over with just as we have some knowledge.

This just in we have had the experience of driving and searching and thought it was going back to the town where the mot years were being experienced happened. This has been the case at times.

________________________

We wrote about this to a psychologist that we correspond with and deleted it. It is about what is observed as depersonalization and derealization. We explained it more accurately as not knowing who our where we were. It is really about searching for those we loved that were murdered. As there were so many that were murdered is was many different searchings and therefore confusing. This is a natural part of grieving this hoping that someone is still alive somehow. We know that.

We once had a person come to our house on the lake in the night. His brother had drowned on that lake. He came to the house asking if we had seen his brother saying he was afraid that his brother had been injured and was on the shore somewhere needing help. We knew that the fish and game department was just waiting for the body to float. We knew a man who owned a dive shop and did body recovery and had helped him processes something.  One of the first intellectually disabled boys who became a boy scout had downed by falling under the ice. I knew his father. The fish and game department wanted to wait for spring. The diver put on his gear and floated under the ice where the boy had gone in. He said he just drifted assuming he would drift like the boy and he was correct. He found the boy and carried his body to the father.  The diver was dx as bipolar. A few months after speaking to me he got off his meds and was not longer bipolar. I know three people that have been this route other than me.

I went out to the shore with the man whose brother had drowned. He thought he saw his brothers hat. I knew the lake and knew that it was a stump he was seeing. The man wanted to check and I borrowed/stole a boat from the shore and went out in the lake at night looking for a body. We went to the stump and the man started crying. I took him back to shore hugged him and he went off with his family. I see him from time to time and he is angry at me. The worlds scape goat I guess.

In a way our going to the pool was about searching.

________________

We came home from Zumbamat and wrote a little here and then tried to nap. We then knew we were going to the good-bye place. I think we may have slept some. We dawdled quite a bit. Ok a lot. i think it took three trips to the good-bye place before we put our boat in the water.

There has been lots of rain and the beaver dam had breached. As I wrote yesterday we thought the dam had breached and drove to check. We also saw the wetland in a premonition and the below is a photo. When we had the premonition we did not see it clearly and thought it was a road and could not understand why there was only one side of the road.

My immune system just peaked and we are on the downward side. Had we swam last night we would be asleep right now. Not only is that window past there is no way to get there that route right now. We are going to eat and that may stabilize the immune system a bit. What we need is to be take care of for a few hours. That is not going to happen. Self care is limited. Sometimes you need other people although you do not need them to do what they think you need as it is is what they would need or someone taught them you needed. Very hard concept to grasp when you grew up with people who really have no concept of doing something for someone else and not expecting anything in return.

So we put our kayak in the water making sure not to injure our quad. That was a challenge. We headed up stream which is what we do and came to the first beaver dam. There is another one upstream from that which we could not get to as there is one below we could not get over.

No we first took photos as a way to dawdle.

The stream from the rain and the breach was very very clear. The autumn sun steep in the sky making the view much different. We could see the fish, the water plants and the bottom. The plants waving lazily in the currents. Where we paddle is called Mud Pond. it is not a pond at all.

The sky was a blue as only a autumn sky in NE can be. The plants reluctantly turning brown. When we paddled through the weeds they rustled not unlike when you walk and kick the leaves assuming you know leaves are to be kicked and not raked up in anger.

We stopped for some reason and a great blue heron came by. We had assumed they had all headed south and were a tad angry at them as protection in case they did not show up. He flew along the shore and landed in the tallest pine right at the top. Now if you do not know of the blue heron you can not know what a sight it is to see on in the top of the tallest pine. i would not expect to see it again. We kinda knew the blue heron was not going to show us the way as they had before.

We paddled along and it felt like we were not going to get to be sadder than sad. Perhaps it was knowing we needed to get over the beaver dam and back. We knew going over was going to be fine other than a slight chance we might tip over. We were OK with getting wet and were only concerned about our quad.

We were hungry and made our oatmeal. Someday we may write the proper way to cook and serve oatmeal. Our immune system is not at least at even. What we noticed is it started to level off once our body had the understanding we were going to eat. Hence the being able to put it off.

We made and ate our oatmeal. Last step is important.

We went to Mama’s rock. That is where we started to learn how to grieve the deaths those we loved and were killed. In our dawdling we had pulled up to black eyed susans and a blue aster. We wanted to plant them in a crack in Mama’s rock. Part of our dawdling was to bring a bead we had made to place on Mama’s rock. We always have this idea of bringing something beautiful that we have made and throwing it in the water and never do. The plan was to leave the bead on the rock so those that died could come see it when we were not there. We planted the flowers and placed the bead on Mama’s rock on a ledge just under the water. We then somehow knew that was not what was to happen. We picked the bead up and put it in our pocket and headed toward the dam. We made our way to the dam which is at a tunnel that goes under the highway. The only East West highway in the state.

We did not just crash over the dam as was considered. We went up to the man and made a plan. We shot over the dam without incident and it was fun. We turned around and made a run at getting back up over the dam. Not to see if we could do it just to determine if it was at all possible. We understood that it was a possibility though not a certainty.

We checked out the place where we would take our boat out of the water if we could not get over the dam and it was doable with a little getting wet.

The amount of calories we had stored for this expedition was crazily high. This work requires it.

Past mirrored rocks there is a bridge over the water before the dam. We have often thrown things off this bridge into the water. When we planted the flowers we knew we would find something this time.

We found a place to land and got our of our boat without damage to our quad. Just want to mention there are 5 quad muscles.

We walked to the bridge and were nervous bordering on fear that we would not be sadder than sad coupled with the fear that we would. Grieving is like that.

We looked around and muttered that the birds had deserted us. We knew it was not true we just needed to mutter.

We saw a golden rod. There are seven different types although we did not think of it at the time. We picked one and walked to the bridge. We sang a bit of Michael row the boat ashore and threw the golden rod in the water knowing it would float to the falls. It went in and out of the sun as it floated. It was as gold as gold can be and very very beautiful. It looked like it was floating above the water rather than on or in it.

We walked along the top of the dam so we could be at the falls. We were sobbing at this time and it was not really a safe walk on top of the dam. We did not notice at the time. The flower came to the dam. No that is not what happened we took the bead from out pocket and threw it in the water on top of the dam hoping it would stay on the dam. It did not and we screamed NOOO. How we did not follow I can not know although I am told the blue heron had something to do with it.

There are two sides of the dam you can walk to. I do not remember nor do I need to remember what happened other than we walked on the other side of the dam. I do remember we were sobbing and trying to sing Molly and jake help to trim the sail.

We looked up through the lens of our tears and saw the golden rod heading towards going over the falls gaining speed until over the falls and disappearing into the rapids. We so wanted to hold Jake one more time and held our arms to do so. He was not there. He was in our heart.

We have times when we can not speak. It did not used to bother us at all. We had learned how to deal with it by staying away from people and making signs. Good to be in a country where you do not speak language as you do not have to.

We then knew that Jake as babies do cried and the superintendent had me cut his vocal cords. I botched it and Jake after he healed tried to make sounds.   It was hard for us to deal with. It seemed to hurt him and we said that the operation should be done again. Reality is we were only thinking of ourselves. NO that is not what happened we thought it was best for Jake. We were only 10 and not in a good situation.

We told Jake it was OK he could not speak that we knew how to speak without words as out twin and I used to do it. And we held him.

We wrote before that Molly did not love jake. That was wrong we were mad at Molly because she and jake died.

We walked back from the dam still sobbing and then understood we had to paddle back. We got in our kayak and figured that if we started paddling we would figure out what was needed to be done. We paddled away and looked back a few times. We were not drawn back as we have been in the past as we have started to grieve  our loss of all those we loved that have died.

We paddled along and a duck happened by making all sorts of racket. That brought us to and we knew we had to go over the dam or portage.

We got to the dam and tried to get over. We could get to the top yet not over. We tried different places and there was only one we could head over and not get turned sideways. The being turned sideways could mean a dunking. We were exhausted in ways at this time. It is pretty funny our calculations were much about not getting in a situation where we needed help. There was no danger of us drowning or anything and if we lost the boat we could just walk or crawl up to the highway. We kept trying to get over the dam. Where we were trying to go was pretty much a small waterfall.

We have a history of where this dam was built. We came there once and saw a circle make out of saplings. It was a weird effect did not seem natural to us. We have a photo of it. We were going to ram it and destroy it and did not. We knew that we were to go to the dam on the left of this circle and to the right on the way back and did so.

Another time we went and the circle was gone. There were still branches there and we did pull on them until they floated down stream presumably to float over the dam although we did not watch them as it about 1/4 mile away.

We kept making attempts to get over the dam knowing we had to save out strenght to portage if that was what we had to do. Unfortunately we forgot that once we got on the other side of the highway we had to paddle home about 2 miles. As we did not consider that we also did not consider that the wind would be in our face.

Through trial, error and design we found a way to get over the dam. It took 12 times of experimentation to find out how to do it. Quite a bit of finesse was needed. That a a bit of adrenaline and we made it over. Key was if the momentum stopped we were pushed backwards. We knew if we got sideways we were going for a swim.

We did not look back and the when we came through what we call the secret passage way we looked and saw that we had a long long way to go and we were tired.

i forgot. We have a thing about blue asters. One is they come out in the fall before now sun. This is interesting we are typing with our feet off the floor. blue asters grown in weird places. We see them in stumps and such all the time. We saw one single on growing out of one of the mirrored rocks. We took a photo.

Our immune system has peaked again.

We paddled along and a blue heron was waiting for us. The heron flew over by Mama’s rock. We were not tired anymore and paddled the 1/2 mile to Mama’s rock. It was a slight detour. We knew something was there for us. We paddled along and got to the rock. Nothing. We looked at the blue heron who had turned to watch us an knew. We said good-bye and the heron flew down the stream and behind the trees headed to toward where the dam is. It was not a sad good-bye it was just a till we meet again things.

Then we we were tired and sore. We were about a mile and a half out.  it was a slog against the wind.

Oh I forgot. With the dam breaking and the rain fishing tackle had come loose and we found three fishing bobbers some with lures in the water. We always take them and put them on shore and someone always comes and gets them. One time we were swimming and swam out and got a guys lure. We saw him yesterday and he mentioned it. We decided this time to take the tackle to where we swim with our friends. That is weird.

So we were very tired and had to protect our quad and get our boat on top of our truck. We would have accepted help at that point as long as it was the right person.

That was not spontaneous writing. It was all in one sitting and flowed. We are too tired to add the images right now. We are going to sleep.

We still need to color.

Glad I read that we totally forgot. It is has been a day.

We are going for a walk. That is totally totally knew. We are just going for a walk. We are going to the track. We figured out that we like it there as there is less stimulation. Our brain does not get going as much. As it is new we will have to watch it and make sure we do not mess up.

Back from mile walk.

The walking at the track is a good thing for us. We only walk a mile. It is a good way to regulate and know where we are at. Tonight we walked in the grass a mile and it pretty much showed how beat up we are. It is more than reasonable that we are.

Although it sucks that we were so close last night to being able to swim and have it be a really good thing and that window is closed. It is nice that this morning we knew just what to do to start crawling back and were able to do it. We went for a walk at the track in the sun and came home and slept most of the day.

Yesterday after we went to the good-by place it was like it never happened. We slept last night and then wrote this morning. It is not as abrupt as it used to be as in you could say we saw me on that body of water and I would not know this body was there or maybe every had been.

It feels right now like a weight of the past has been lifted replaced with the ones in the now and they are much easier and handleable if we were not so beat up.

We were going to write a separate post but are not going to. We wanted to apologize for this writing. it is not written to be read in that we really do not think about the reader.  Sometimes we know we are being and jerk or worse and we just keep on going. We are much more fun in person.

We are tired and as far as we know all set for this evening. tomorrow is going to be a rainy day. We may be done swimming as we have missed two days. It is a loss yet we know why.  We are also not as pushed as we know about the sun energy.

As far as I know we are caught up with the work of therapy. Hopefully tomorrow we will be able to get our head right to color. We did sleep all day which shows we could not have colored.

Hopefully the walk and posting this will end this day. With the rain tomorrow after the work in the recent past we need to be vigilant.

We now understand on a different level what we have accomplished with this grieving. We have more of a sense what it took to make it possible. Before there were alway more deaths to deal with and we did not really understand what it takes as we were so beat up from grieving and bringing the memories into our consciousness.

We also know how hard our whole life was and that sometimes is crushing. It is a good thing that we were not boring our whole life or it might crush us.

Just for fun we used educators thinking and this would be a 13 page paper. Easy to write when you know what you are writing about.

We know how before we would get sun deprived. On some level we know we just could not identify it. We knew what we needed and if people had done as we asked we could have found a way to get sun. We always did when no one was abusing us.

It is hard to call it abuse. When we were mis dx as bipolar we were abused by my former wife through her attorneys and by mental health professionals. The reason it was possible was we had to do what was asked to see our children.

i was once in a grocery store and saw one of my children’s friends. I told her I was divorced and she just like everyone else was shocked.  I told her I was fighting to see my children and she started crying and said “I wish my father had fought to see me.” I gave her a hug and that moment carried me many times. I also had a letter written by a 18 year old about how her father was treated and how glad she was that her father kept trying. To be clear I did as well if not better than most fathers with the courts. i am good at such thing. i did make some change and did have one lawyer that can not practice anymore. i got a clerk of the court fired. I actually stuck one attorney with 10.000 using the lawyers rules better than they could I actually got two lawyers so they could not practice.