Archive for July, 2012

Friday Update (5)

July 26, 2012

There is not much new in over all understanding. We are going through the feeling like we are more multiple as we integrate and through the integration become stronger. In someways as we integrate some become more separate. This used to be seen by us as discovery about some of us. It is discovery in that we are different it is not discovery of  how we used to be.

There is not much now at all that can be directly attributed to the trauma specifically. Using the latest shooting in CO as an example. I turn what I read in part into a visual of the event. That I have seen people shot and killed does effect how I visualize it.  My ability to visualize can not be attributed to the trauma.

We are pretty much for the most part working on what we already know about. We know we are tired right now as some have not slept and that causes those of us that have slept to take over. That  sort of thing.

We have been enjoying things were as before we used to have fun, like etc it is different to just enjoy things.

We understand now how people process things as in they do not. Not just trauma directly people live in pretty much a dream world for the most part and work hard to keep that going.

We have therapy tomorrow and we have a chance at being prepared to do some hard work. Processing past trauma is not the only hard work there is to do. Some of us need to get out of the way so others can be with the Gypsy Dancer. That will likely cause more memory work to be done.

In a real way the memory work is about having those memories the same as all other memories as far as the “depth” of recall. We have a very good memory and that means for us it has to be pretty complete.

We are in the taking time off mode and some were very disappointed that what they expected to happen did not as what happened is others got rested and so now they can do their work.

The way it works for us is the more rested we get the more  we feel tired. In a way it is about we get rested so some can be awake and they are tired.

We are having fun here and there. There is a thing when we know one of us is really hurt we do not much feel like having fun.

Just so you know dissociation is for the mid 1800’s coined by a man named Jackson. Not much real change to what he came up with and much of his understanding was lost through academic study and practice. Bout time to move on I say.

Friday Update

July 20, 2012

The last Friday update was done on Wed. It is a good study on being multiple. When written it was the night before therapy which is Friday. Yes we all understand that there is a Thursday before Friday. What is not understood that as a multiple Wed night can be the night before Friday if you are not going to exist on Thursday.

One of the things that is hard with trying to communicate being multiple is other people try and explain how we are wrong.  This included mental health professionals. Explaining what we already know and somehow expecting that to help. As a construction manager I could tell you what was gong to be going on in 6 months 7.5 mil later and how what happened today was going to effect that. Pretty much you can not put a carpet on a floor that does not exist. Did not effect my multiplicity at all. It is one reason I am such a good organizer although I seem to have a natural ability in that area.

It is kinda like telling a cat that it is not time to eat. They tell you they want to eat and you tell them  it is not time. Silly. A cat at least mine does understand I am not going to feed them now. That is why my cat just tells me they are hungry and does not carry on.

People profile all the time.  I am lucky to be done with those that can only see me through their dissociation colored glasses. I have given all but given up in trying to get anyone that knows me that multiplicity is different.

I have been doing some work on my father who was not a sexual abuser. We are not working hard on it as we do not want to give it more respect that it is worth. One thing we have come to understand is he had a twisted thing where he did not want people to have things. This is different than a person who wants things for themselves or to take things from people for themselves. It really effected me more in working hard not to be like him than anything else. It is different than being jealous. I can best explain it by a example of a guy who was on the same construction site as I was. The roach coach came and the guy bought a piece of chocolate cake. He asked me if I wanted it and I said not but I know Gus really likes it why don’t you give it to him. The guy said “Ya I know that is why I bought it so he could not have it. I don’t like chocolate cake.”

Back to multiplicity. “It will make you feel better.” Even something simple like going for a walk. If you do not go for the walk it will not make you feel better so as a multiple what happens is one might go for a walk and the other might not feel better. In effect leaving them away. True that it will have an effect on the body and therefore it will have an effect. Not at all important and we got caught up in not understanding that.

We had planned on taking Aug off. Pretty much getting up going for a swim and then if we got around to it do something else. Knowing we would get around to things. It is really about getting rest and sleep.

So what happened is we write on Wed and some left until now. We got up and 6 in the morning and did not go for a swim and did some work for money. We got caught up and so our “time off has already started.” Oh that is wonderful. No it is not not at all. It is all confused now. No we do not need to learn how to deal with such things. It is OK now as long as we accept it is not a great thing. It just happened is all. We can make it into a good thing.

We have a string that we are bringing to therapy. We have made 5 things our of glass that are to be strung on the string. We are going to string them in therapy. We are either going inside the string or not. That is all a know and all I need to know. Now those who are experts on our life might explain that the string represents boundaries. We are a tad concerned that our therapist may make the same mistake. Seldom but sometimes she does think she was taught about us. We are not covered in her education nor her experience.

Unless someone of us come up with something different we are going to tell her that we do not know what it is all about and we are all good with that. It is wanted her to know she does not either.

We just a few moments ago knew there are 5 for a reason we did not know. A pentagram thing. No we have no fear of humans that portend special powers of any sorts. We know we had to deal with pentagrams and one was done very well in a floor in a brick building. Why it was different is we were rested and fed. It is different when you are rested and fed.

Back to the great myth of dissociation. We would be observed as going into a trance like thing or dissociating. What it really is is that one of us starts to be and then there is a switch. Who ever is switched to gets the attention. That is the point. Works well.

We have not been drinking Diet Coke at all. We are all but caffeine free. It is wanted that we have diet coke this morning. Not an addiction thing. We have a sense that having diet coke helps one of us not be.

There seems to be a flurry right now as we are headed to therapy. A kinda putting up things to do so we do not have to do something. We have been doing this a long time we are Ok with processing the horrors that we experienced. It is still hard we no longer need to do that with our therapist or even tell her about it. We can write and draw and mail it to her.

We are all good with our narrative in that if we rest it comes together and we can write it.

In a real way we are as no as comfortable healing from trauma as we were being multiple.

I really think there is not much that we have to do other than to as best we can get out of the way so some can be with our therapist. We are OK with the normal mistakes we make. We are not going to do anything before therapy like just a quick run and get cat food. We are not going to just stop by the pool and say hi. We are not going to just make a few calls. We are going just a tad early so that we can check out her garden. It grew a lot when we did not see her and we got behind.

Pretty much it is about we need to stay away from what we already do well.

We have two glass studios next week. That fits in just fine with us take the month off. I guess now it is a month and a third.

 

Friday Update

July 18, 2012

We understand now that when we go under the water it is not the same one under the water that is above and may not be the same one when we come up.

There is a “I” most of the time now. It is kinda a fake “I” that is the result of hosts integrating. This “I” who is not the one writing pretty much knows what is going on at all times or at least has easier access to finding out.

We have been swimming twice a day. The water is actually to warm and we go out in the middle and go deeper. We swam in a flock of sparrows today as they ate bugs on the water. Way cool.

We have pretty much cleaned up this end of the lake where the public swims. We are going to start on the other end. It is not real clear what is going on with all this. There seems to be a wanting to join the two ends of the lake maybe with a long long swim. We will see.

We are using up the small pieces of glass that we have which means not real color design. We are working on shapes and will sell the work as we do not really care about it.

We have therapy on Friday and as far as I know it is known what is going to be done at least the focus. There is one that is blind and he has work to do. Just him being there is exhausting. He has designed a piece of string with glass on it and he is going to be inside.  The area is something like 6 x          8 feet. I have a sense our therapist and they know more about it than I do.

It really is now about we can not always get as stronger each day. We still get stronger most days and those we do not we set it up so we can. For us it is a pretty easy row to hoe.

It looks good for taking off August. It may even start early. It may last longer the month is really just we are not going to look much beyond that. We have it pretty well defined now. Get up when we get up. Eat if we want. Swim. Come home and write and or nap then if we get around to it do something. We will still be going to therapy and open glass studio. We are going to see an artist at there opening and such. It is just we need time to do what we need to do and to rest.

Many many things are becoming easier. We worked on a job today and it was as fast as we used to go and did not takes us much energy.

We had an eagle flying over our head one day and asked him to send us a feather. He did not. And just I am sure we were not swimming so slow it was a buzzard.

We have a new stroke that is a modified back stroke. We call it out cloud looking stroke.

In many ways we are less PTSD than a lot of people over all.

We are having issues with being to blunt and such. That happens now and again. We just get sick of stupidity. We seem to only accept our own as necessary.

They one that is around most of the time pretty much has veto power and that is about it. He says it is not a good job and that means he will be integrating some where along the way.

We are pretty boring to be around compared to our usual self. That will pass we are just really tired.

There is a dynamic where when one finely get to be they are at first very tired.

We are having a thing where one of us has emotions that are not theirs. It is kinda like when we used to have some inherit a body that was exhausted.

We do not miss the writing daily and many times daily as of yet. Pretty much it is not needed and it is nice to have the time to do other things. We still write a lot it just all goes to our therapist. It is easier as she has the context do I can name places and different ones of us. I also do not use spell check which is easier.

Garden looks good.  The rest of stuff is kinda staying almost even. Actually the garden us just even now I think about it.

One reason we do not feel the need to write is if a person still has unprocessed trauma and not a real solid way to process it than what we are experiencing is not applicable. It is kinda like a person who does not hold the club in a way that lets consistent golf shots happen.

The way the veto thing kinda works is it is not yet Friday. One can be asked if it is Ok to post even though it is not Friday and somehow they know.

Friday Update

July 8, 2012

Swimming in cool water changes how your body works. It is good for us.

The hippo-campus is really important in the healing of trauma. It is asymmetrical which it is not thought of in current knowledge. We do better when we use the term dragon brains. It is just to intense sometimes.

We got dehydrated with the bronchitis or we got bronchitis as we were dehydrated. It takes days and sometimes weeks to get re-hydrated. It takes a lot of rest. While dehydrated the body is susceptible to much which makes it harder. It is tied into the sun energy.

We used to drink a lot of diet coke. I would guess at least a liter a day if not more. It was best for them and is not longer best. It is somehow tied into the sun energy and the hippo-campus.

my path to hydration with the changes to my hypo-campus was a long one and is not over. A back and forth thing and not as simple as drinking water. It stated with watermelon and salt. Cucumbers and salt works though not as well due to the sugar content. It then morphed back and forth between the watermelon and Ritz and Juice. Usually orange juice. Kool-aid works also. We then added pineapple. We then went on a Lemon-aid jag. The Lemon Aid Jag morphed into a gator aid jag.

Here is the thing. Had we gone to the Gator aid first it would not have worked. It needed to be gradual. I do not think it would work at all with out knowing about the sun. The trauma was in the way somehow and it needed to be processed. What happened before is anything we did was good for both processing and not. As we did not know how to process we would fail at than and morph into functioning at a high level.

I can not even begin to explain how this all worked as a multiple with no host rather hosts.

It is not that therapy has become less important rather that has become the known and we are free to deal with other stuff. When I say therapy is known I mean we have some idea what needs to be done. It seems right now that there is one that does not leave the bed alone that most of us know of. He is reaching out side the space of the bed now. There is a plan to make an imaginary bed on the floor of out therapists office. It is very complicated as to where it should be. There are at least two heads of the bed and two feet a reptilian brain thing. We still want to go outside. We right now do not really know who our therapist is. I am told some do. Therapy will be different or may be different with not diet coke. We have one on the way with ice every time we go.

This was written on Friday so it is not really a Friday update. Perhaps we will be writing more daily now we are headed back into therapy.

We are definaltly less PTSD and would not meet the criteria unless they added the CFS which they are way behind on. The CFS does not really fit as if we choose not to heal it would go away.  We know how to do that and it has always been hard as we know how to morph and get things done. This time away from therapy is kinda a test to see if that is now best. We could go away from the work of therapy and get things set so the work of therapy was easier. It does not look like it is best as that would mean leaving some away and they would again feel like they are not going to be found. In a way doing it gradual is a way to integrate.

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This was written on Wed.

We have been integrating. It is still tiring. We did get to play with glass and it was fun and much different.

We caught and made a lot of breaks as of late. Part of it has been the no therapy. We are going Friday only as we were able to put a job off.

We have in the last few months put together that we were not with my family of origin much until we were 5 as part of the MKULTRA program. It seems they were told just to act like we were always there and not treat us special. It was pretty much to establish the normal life separate from the MKULTA life. Started by breaking the bond at birth by leaving us in a hospital setting with as little human contact as possible.

Knowing about the first 5 years of our life has been hard to do and hard to take. We are very very tired. It is a different tired and much better. It is not the rest so we can do more memory work of before.

We had a kinda plan of taking August off. Swim process nap ect. It is still huge to us to know about the winters were hard for us due to not enough sun energy. We are finding this summer that sun energy is best for the whole body. We never were shorts other than when running or swimming and never have.

So we were thinking of skipping therapy. It has been all most a month. We are not going to skip it and are OK with that as the job is put off. We really think this taking off the month or Aug is not only a good thing it would be possible. Taking it off is not a real good way to explain it. We just want as much time to rest and nap as we can. Rather than fight for as much rest and sleep as we can get. We would still do things like maybe get our motorcycle on the road. It would not be we need to  get our motorcycle on the road and it would be OK if we did not get to it.

Everything may change when we go back to therapy. We will be going back to a once a week schedule. We right now are going to consider a twice a week schedule. We want this over as soon as possible. We looked at the twice a week and that is a no go at least for now and likely for a long time.

For us it is really one long session. Although we have not seen our therapist for a month other than allowing for her to deal with it has been a long time there is no adjustment. Part of this is we can e-mail her a lot and she does not answer back. It is the way it was set up and is very very helpful. By the time we see here what ever we wrote about is in the past.

Once every two weeks is not good as we kinda forget how to get our head right and it takes a while to do that.

On our month off we would still have to at least look at what ever work comes our way. Pretty much a few clients need to be taken care of no matter what.  If other work came in the way it would work for us is that would mean we could travel this winter so it would not be that bad. It is a matter of attitude. If we want to do the work over time it will happen. If I do not want to do the work unless I make good money that is what will happen.

What I am pretty much doing with this writing is defining what we mean by taking the month off so it happens. My business has been less and less the last few years. Pretty much I am not out there. I am not even in the phone book and many people believe I am out of business. Some thought that and I had an ongoing job. We in the spring will have to go meet with people and tell them we are in business.

The real goal of this time off is to be rested and therefore healthier some September. The way it will work is no matter what happens we that will happen.  In less the world sends something my way. Even then it will likely happen.

We will still take care of the garden and such. It is more we will not fit it in other than maybe to fit it in between naps or swims.

We are not dumb we are aware this is in part about the first summer we ever spent away from the abusers and the town we were abused in. We were 14. They had been a minor factor for a few years as far as we know. It is not recreating it rather just a way to process it. It was a good summer. My father was not around much. I did not have all the work to do at the state park. I still had all the yard work at the house at least it was only one place. I played a lot of golf for 2.00 a day of my own money and there was a place there where I could swim twice a day some days once always. It was a good summer with weather in that it did not rain much. My sister was upset as she did not want to move and that was good as she was quiet at least some of the time.

After this summer my family was all in an uproar as they had moved. Did not bother me in the least. I was used to being moved around and I am not an idiot.

We will still process on the time off. Maybe even more.

We will not have a lot of money and none coming in. And realistically not the chance of much coming in until spring. Reality is if we are rested and we have to we can make things happen. Making things happen when making the work of therapy happen is very hard.

Written on Thur.

We finished one of the worst design jobs of our career last night and by finished I mean I am ready to bill and do a final submission. I still have to deal with the bureaucrats review. It is a difficult site so the bureaucrats will be in over their heads. Not that they are not always it just is more of a probably it the site is difficult.

Some one called me incorrigible the other day. I asked them what the word meant to them and they had no real answer. They were not being mean just frustrated as I was correct and they wished I was not. I looked it up. I am incorrigible. Difficult or impossible to manage or control. Yep that is me and it is easier to get along with me if you understand that.  Kinda like when I have to tell people “sorry I am not a sheeple” the thing is I enjoy being different I am not different because I enjoy it.

We have therapy tomorrow after almost a month. We kinda get more now about the reentry. It is really accepting that there will not really have been any time past. We told our therapist a long time ago that we were to tired to pretend that for us time had passed.

There is this weird thing going on. We have been caffeine free for I would guess a week.  It right now is wanted that we have a Diet Coke on Ice before and after therapy. That is all I know.

We have two very nice rocks, a loon feather, some photos and she gets to pick out of the blue marbles we made. Other than getting groceries so we do not have to think about making food we are all set as far as I know.

We understand now more what expressive therapy is for us. Part of it is a way to open the pathways to memories with the drawing, sculptures and such. Part of it is to express that which can not be expressed in words although word may be used sometimes.

We had a dragon fly land on us three times today. One may have landed twice. The first was in our yard and it landed right on our nose. For some reason we did not jump we just looked at him. He was one of the brown ones with the clear wings in between the brown spaces. The other one was blue and landed on our arm when we were swimming and he stayed around for a while. Another blue one landed on our head when we were in the lake standing on a rock pile. I lady was there and said. You have a dear fly on your head. I said you mean a dragon fly and she said yes. I said I know. Three have landed on me today. She said she had never seen anything like it.  The dragon fly just landed on my head and stayed there. Maybe they were trying to tell you something. I said they are probably just making fun of me. Hey watch me go land on this guy.

We went for a swim in the pool today and it was fine. We were to tired to deal with the initial cold of the lake. We might have got hypothermia. There were to many people there and we could not do laps. So it was just an OK swim and we knew it all day. We went in the lake today this evening. We are finding ways to do what we need to do either in the lake of the pool. Hanging upside down off the edge of the pool is good for us. We can do the same thing by bending our legs and hanging from our calfs that are floating.

The week-end  is kinda set up for a test of how August might go understanding we may need to rest the whole week-end.

The weather here in NE has been outstanding and we have taken advantage of it.

We grew leaf lettuce in a tire. It did get cooked as we did not water it enough. It is Ok as we have more lettuce than we can eat anyway. First time using tires and it is all new to us. They get hot that is for sure. Potatoes do not mind lettuce does.

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Someday someone who has healed from extreme abuse may be head of what ever country is in power when ever that happens. Or maybe then there will be no countries.

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We are defiantly done with something. I have a sense my therapist had a sense of this. Either that or one of us told her and not me. No that has not happened in a long time. We are anxious about therapy tomorrow. Not the mental health understanding of anxious. Come to think about it we have never been mental health anxious. Pretty much therapy is important to us and it is going to be different as it always is.

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Is is just me or is Penn State really about we want to get back to convincing you all we are something we are not as quick as possible and with as little damage to us as possible and just ignore those people that were hurt.  Does any one but me know this is not an isolated instance. That it goes on in many colleges and is likely going on at Penn State right now? If not children getting hurt specifically some harmful behavior being covered up so the delusion can continue? Just so you know education has never created prosperity for a society. Education follows prosperity. While I am at it this “democracy” had its own civil war. We got lucky and no one interfered. The “Constitution” did not prevent that. Might just not be the greatest document ever written. Maybe my blog is. I am tired.

We think that we have been doing what we do well and that is why it has been easier. Kinda like practicing your driving when your putting sucks.

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Back from therapy after a month off.  There are three of the menagerie that are with our therapist. We did not ask to see them. That is OK we needed some more time and such.

We did have the Diet Coke before and after therapy to make sure we do not want to drink it anymore. It is kinda like the way we dealt with monsters under the bed. Look under the bed and make sure nothing is there. There was no one to call to do it for us. Often no bed.

So that is my Friday update. We seem to be headed to a place where not much can be explained. In a way the blogging had become doing what we do well rather than doing what we need to do next. It is not that we are beating ourselves up. We just figured out that we did not really live with my family of origin for the first 5 years of our life. It is important that we were in first grade when we were 5 and in the mkultra school during the same time period.

We are done with that the abusers took our soul and other such rubbish. The abusers are the ones with no soul not us.