All memories do not come to me the same way.  We sometimes go through a phase where we know what memories are likely to be worked on next and do not work on them.

So the memories we are working on are very very confused and very pervasive in our life. IWe have tried and tried to get at them and every time we fail. We were somewhere with Earl the Pearl for 30 days. I know as he made a chart and crossed off the days. 6 across an 5 down.

We do not know where we were. We may have been underground. We know it was cold. We are pretty sure the concept was to bond to Earl as a contact and programmer. We have a sense that we were programmed to kill on of the older children in the MKULTRA program. What we remember is that the end of it was to take a revolver and put it to our head and pull the trigger. No first we loaded it. We could tell the shells were lighter than others. We have always had the ability to detect minute differences in weight.  Maybe not 0n shell. 6 of them we could.

That is as far as we can go right now. We have started this and it always gets left away. With the photos, the understanding of the sun and a mandela that we are working on we will not forget this time.

We went to draw this morning and found three drawing. Two of beds and one of a couch we used to sleep on when we were before three and 1/2 and when we were 7 thru 14 in the summer.

This is hard.

We pretty much until we were 4 slept in a cellar or closet. In the cellar and closet we did not get up unless we were gotten up usually for some horror.  Right before we moved there was a break for a week or two in the trauma and we had reason to believe it was over. We asked and no one we knew lived in the new town. Being out of the closet was a big deal to us and we were learning to socialize and find our way in the world. We started doing things then sleeping.

At least with the later MKULTRA facilities we did what we were told then went to sleep. Except when in solitary and a few times when they woke us up either as a group or just us we slept through the night. We were never woken up with cold water in the main sleeping area. There was a thing where they came in with guns and such shooting blanks and we were to not react. It was not all the time.

So one of the ways we stayed away from those that were from  the cellar and closet was to do things then sleep. That is why “structure” was so bad for us.  It was really telling some not to be.

It is of course not as cut and dry as it sounds in print. It is very very pervasive and important. We have no clue what to do about it.

It is a bright sunny day that helps allot.

Those that do things then sleep have had the most time in the world and are most used to the world. They are the ones that are really needed to make it so we can do the work of therapy. They have never really got all of this and it has been hard on them. Pretty much the non-structure was telling them not to be.

Not we need no learning about being spontaneous.

This work is all getting more an more about the now. How we did things before is less of an issue. The reason is we have processed.

We woke up and we did not know if it was morning or night. Yes we could have figured it out. It always pisses me off when I have a problem and people offer a solution to a problem I do not have.  Here is the thing. If I figured it out I still would not know. I would not know until the sun came up then my reptilian brain would know. 

I see owls on some cloudy days when it starts to get light. I always look for them. I wonder if they do not know if it is morning at night. Perhaps next time I see one I can ask.

So we hung around and waited for the dawn. Once the dawn comes I still do not know if it was m0ring or night when I did not know it just no longer matters. 

Some are with our therapist right now. We are torn in many directions. One is to go get them. Others want to be shipped to her. Having been crated up many times others of us are not so all OK with this concept. 

I do not lose time nor do I avoid the feeling of having lost time. One of us always knows which may be the problem. The not letting ourselves go where there is not point in time. Perhaps it happens only in sleep. 

The not knowing if it is morning or night was not just an in convenience for us. 

Break. I do not spell very well. Here is the thing spell check does not always work. You know what. Google’s superior algorithmic method always works. I spell more like that algorithmic method  than what ever anyone else is using. 

Another break. There are extreme memory competitions. Those in those competitions memorize many decks of cards. I saw some idiot who studies memory explain how it is done. Actually he said they were looking for the different algorithm that is used to remember all these decks of cards. He is an idiot as there is not algorithmic method for him to find. He is like the expert astronomy expert  of old who does not know the earth goes around the sun. Knowing the earth goes around the sun is not the same as knowing the sun does not go around the earth.  

Anyway one way the people memorize all these cards is by making up a story. 

OK it is coming to me now. At the MKULTRA facility there was much memory training so in theory I could memorize codes and such. I think it was done with some sort of journey thing. 

Pretty much the big thing is the confusion. There was also memory training with the cult programmer. 

So that was not much of a break. Smile. 

With the others at our therapists we feel kinda empty and in a way it is a relief. A kinda vacation from the work. 

That being said we are now pacing. Least we think so. Part of it is some are with our therapist. Two more are going to be mailed to her. I do not know how this works. It is not my end of it. Some and our therapist seem to understand. I do not have to at this point.

Leaving them there and mailing two to her does have an effect on me. I just do not understand how  it works. It is hard on us.

———–

We are to beat up to continue and we need to rest and do some things in the now. We can see barriers (NOT DISSOCIATION) and we start to have the memories and have to get up to stop them from coming. Before this would cause a crash and is really really hard on us.

—–

We are getting casual in our conversation and writing in that we are not overly concerned that people do no have the context to at all understand MKULTRA and multiplicity. It s not unlike saying the pentagon of snowflakes was really apparent in that storm and not knowing some people do not have the chemistry understanding of  H2O and how it bonds to understand. Pretty much we come of arrogant.  We are not in a real way we figure if we have any understanding than it must be simple. That and we are very very tired and beat up. We commented about how we were transported in a coma in the MKULTRA program as a good example and we should have looked for a different one. People do not have the context to understand. Not a slam I did not most of my life.

———–

Update on the tanning booth. It is a good thing. It does make more work possible which is a disappointment. Our life had been anything that we do that is good for us means we can do more work.

I feel right now that I do not want to try and express this anymore. There seems to be a block where people can only hear worse and can not hear different.

With professionals that they can not hear different makes it harder to stay away from help that is not helpful for all experiences.

I do not really worry about what my therapist is doing. I expect that she is doing psychoanalysis and expressive therapy and what ever else I come up with. In the context of a therapeutic relationship. She knows her ethics. Not as well as I do. Few do.

I over the last few days have processed the coming back from weeks at a MKULTRA facility. Here is the thing. Coming back was worse than being there. Living in a cellar was worse. All deaths were worse. The concept that all trauma is the same made all processing harder.

I can state that if you have ritual abuse in your background you are more likly to have unhelpful therapy. I can state that if you were in MKULTRA and had to deal with cults you are more likly to have unhelpful therapy.

I can state it is harder for a male to get any kinda of help at all.

So did I say that it is worse to be male? NO

Did I say it was worse to be in MKULKTRA and the cults? NO

Is cognitive behavioral therapy applicable to anyone who has had trauma designed by cognative behavioral therapisats. Not in my opinion and unless you have experienced cognative behavioral trauma designed by cognative behavioral therapists or have successfully treated someone who has I do not find you opinion more credible than mine.

Please spare me well we are all different or what works for one person may not for another.

Although pissed off right now that is not my passion. My passion is someone else who has had trauma designed by behavioral scientist will hear me and they my look in some other direction.

Note I am also working on my Continuing Education Units. And those people are arrogant allos.

Now here is the thing. I really do not like it when you ascribe limitations that you have to me. I really really do not like it and that is why I get angry.

What it feels like is that you are using me. Dragging me into what limits you. In a real way I want to drag you out our your limitations so that I am not limited. Does not work.

I am not a all you have to do is have a positive attitude person. It seems to me that positive attitudes c0me from positive experiences.  Delusions come from selective processing of experiences be it limited ability or character. Delusions seem to also come from projecting. If a person goes to college and thinks they are better off because they have than they assume it is intrinsically a good thing and therefore will be for everyone.

The US is number one in education in one category. Confidence. It is not justified other than past experiences. It is folly.

————————————-

“Stuff” is coming to us from all angles. There is the normal healing of the brain so information is now available that was not. We are noticing things like we might say many times in a day “We spent a lot of time in the woods.” this was leading to the MKULTRA marine facility.

We were Santa one year and it was great. We had a list of the children and something about them on the list. Say they got a puppy last year we would know that and ask about it. We knew all their names. Next year when asked we freaked. We were at a ceremony and bells were given as gifts designating what could be done to the child. Mine were black. Not good. Nor was that there were three. They were tied to our genitals, the females had them inserted. Then we were all but in a meat locker. In my life this time was not that bad which makes it hard in a way.

It is getting easier and easier to process this stuff. Much does not even need to be written. The deaths are the hardest for us.

————-

Some one used the term dog and pony show. This has a different meaning to us than most people. We are getting more OK with dealing with both meanings.  As a multiple we all have different meanings for things. As we integrate this is less and less of an issue.

———-

So do day we need to do stuff. It is going to be hard. It is one of those things that will be better when done. We used to have this thing where we thought ourselves crazy for not doing such things and getting them over with. We now know what we were doing when we made the decision not to get these things done and that makes it easier. Before therapy we were the best that we knew at not putting things off. Reality is we are still good we are just doing the work of growth.

———-

Having the understanding that we do about the MKULTRA facilities is very confusing. It is means much work. It is a weight lifted which causes the work and makes it possible.

One is the therapist who was with me when I first told.  i thought it was just that one time. Smile. I was talking to CJ on my right and Mikie on my left and she suspected I might be DID. She steered me to a competent therapist who I am still seeing.

Two others are secetaries who treated me like a person.

One is a therapist who I do not really remember. She and I pretty much never had a chance. We did what we could.

One is a therapist who was really good with me on the phone when I was freaking out.

One is a art therapist at Mclean’s. I gave most of them marbles last time I was there. Last March.

It is honoring that they showed there humanity when few did. Part of it is saying good-bye to the mental health field and all the hospitals. Part of it is a fuck you to those who are still confident they are doing good in the world and are likely doing more harm than good.

We made 5 marbles today and some of them will be acceptable. We may have enough marbles now. We want them to be special.

We have always had something that we are dong in our spare time. Just something we do.

It is weird. I love to fly. No responsibility and any failure is not going to be my fault and no one is going to say the plane did not crash. If I am injured no one is going to say I was not.

Often before when I used to end up in the hospital people used to say they were sorry I had to go to the hospital and I would reply if I was in a train wreck you would not be sorry I had to go to a hospital.

I much more now after 7 years trust I the work will get me somewhere that is better. Most of the time.

For me it was for a long time not knowing what the point A or point B was and had to start in the middle.

I do what I call framing when working of memories and once I have a start and end to an event that I can work on it. Over time we have gotten good at knowing we can find two points.

Memory work was not safe for me as a multiple. Not self harm. I could really not know who or where I was. I might not know I could drive or be able to find my car.

Funny story kinda. I went to a conference that I had to go to have money to do the work I needed to do. It was 8 hours long. I could not find my car in the parking garage. I had to wonder around looking for it. At first I did not know what kinda of car I drove to the conference. I finally narrowed it down to the two I currently owned and was pretty sure it was not my motorcycle as I had not helmet.

————-

We are headed to that time of year when this conference happens. We are very very out of it right now. We think we are OK because we have the tanning booth for light.

There has been this conference thing going on. It is in the same city where we went to a hospital that was a bad place for anyone. It in a way mirrored one of the trips to the MKULTRA facility. It is in the dead of the winter and that is not a help. It used to be held somewhere else and we get lost every time we go there as we have a thing where we retrace out route anytime we get lost.

There is one that is out who Kitty (Real cat) does not like. Kitty does not know him is why. We do not recognize him either as he is not as beat up as usual. He and Kitty who he calls the cat are getting to know each other.

We went and made marbles. We cried as we love it there so much. We were alone as we are a monitor and no one was at open studio.

When we were 4 and we think this was the second trip to the MKULTRA facility we came home and my parents had moved. This was really really hard on us. We have a sense we were at another facility when we were three. We are still working that all out.

My parents had a television. Not unlikely from a bonus of us being in the facility.  Matches the way the MKULTA was funded. It was hard on us. We had never seen a television in our house before. The rest of the family had already got used to it. We really really felt more left out than usual.

The first show we saw was Romper Room. We remember the majic mirror. This somehow came up at home depot as I was checking out. We covered by being funny as we know how to do. It was interesting the clerk said thank you in a way that to us meant thank you for being you. I am pretty funny.

The magic mirror was real hard on us. We wanted to see our friends at MKULTRA. Being with Miss Nancy looked pretty go to us also. We thought that was what school would be like for us. Little did we know.

We did stay in normal school in the first grade all the way to OCT. That was pretty good. We got to go home for Christmas. Other children did not.

We marched a lot in MKULTRA. 4 year-old marching. It was so so very very wrong. Not only what happened there but what we missed by being their.

All and all we are well pleased. This is hard. Not as hard as before.

We are thinking less and less in terms of how we were when before and less about how we were before in relation to before and thinking more as a multiple healing.

We are aware that we went back to the cellar which is where we were when we were first born after how ever long we spent in the hospital when we were born in the MKULTRA program. We thing the theory of the first month was to keep our body kind in the womb state so we could further  develop. Using academia logic and information at the time this makes sense. As premature babies tend to not do as well as other babies academia would conclude having a baby in womb like conditions longer would be better. And they would assume they could create a womb like experience due to there limits of understanding of the experience. They really do see babies as little adults.  That”s OK I see most academics as childish adults.

So when our limbs were dislocated and we were shipped to the MKULTRA facilities there was a “thawing” our time and it was excruciating. White pain over and over again and passing out from it often.  What ever drugs the gave us to thaw us out at least in there head required that we keep moving as much as possible. They would have someone there picking us up if we dropped and we had to keep moving in the pain. It was a horror.  I remember we could not drink water which is stupid. There were ice baths which were a horror but not as bad as the ice baths used for torture by the cults.

In a way this sleeping on and off by so many of us in one day and then getting to be in the sun (tanning booth) is a recreation of this experience.  That we get to make marbles tomorrow is part of it also.

That is interesting. Usually for some of us the day would now be over.  It is not today.

We think we are doing pretty well. Always good to check. We have the feeling that we are on the cusp of being able to more do things that are more normal. Note: We have a very broad definition of normal. Good news is experience tells us that if we are wrong some will let us know.

We know we need to be careful about protecting therapy. That has been a constant. If we do not do that than it is never good for us. it is a hard dynamic as we can not put pressure on some by protecting therapy. It can not be well this is your chance or this time is yours and it is up to you not to waste it. None of us work well with important things under that pressure.

We have a big change in our schedule and a little one in our life. The open glass studio where we are a monitor has changed days and the students will change. Note: I do not teach I just take care of the studio. We had it set up so we went to open studio and then we started to prepare for therapy the next day. Our reality is that some will think we are going to therapy just because we had open studio. It is something we just have to deal with. Before it could be really crazy and the work of therapy would happen anyway.

Financially we are a mess although not anywhere near the eating dog food place.

Physically we are doing very well for this time of year for us. And well considering what work there is that needs doing.

So that is where we are at and we expect tomorrow to be better with having gone to the tanning booth. We call it the  rotisserie. We really do turn around and around in the booth.

It is funny we are done with some many of the games that we used to play. We have the sense it is not that some that need to play those games are not out and we will need to play them later. We are just done with them.

We went to the rotisserie and it is a good thing for us. We at least for now are going to stay below the tanning level.  We will go depending on how much natural sun we get. We know our body. We are not going to put it off like we did last time. We wanted to do that to get some data.

MKULTRA is hard. Much of the stuff we did there was not traumatic. We learned to fence and stuff. One of the hardest thing is it was all about reacting. We did not have to make and time decisions, or when to eat. It was all controlled.

It a way it was not confusing at all while there.

There is much hope that the tanning booth will make a huge difference. We are going tonight. There is a tad of hitting our head with a hammer as it feels so good when we stop. We could go this morning.

Last night one of us thought “I hope the tanning booth works because if it does not than we will have to be me.” They in that moment understood that if they can hope than they were them even though we were not in total distress yet.

It is very important.

Very little is working right now. Very much our body is not working. We are having trouble eating etc. It has been a gradual decline since last Tues night when we used the tanning booth. There were some bumps up when we did get some sun.

It is very different than the pool or hot tub which is more a way to stay even much of the time. We often go only as it has never been a bad thing.  If the tanning booth is closed for some weird reason say the power goes out it will not be dangerous like when the pool is shut down or filled with idiots.  We would just continue on our gradual decline.

————-

So we wondered why did we never figure out the sun before? We think we know. To think all we had to do was get enough sun would be to have left those from the cellar and closet away forever. We always were trying to find a way for them to be. They did get to be and every time it was a horror for them and for the rest of us. We would go away and thrive which was why we are multiple and then try and find those from the cellar and closet and fail.

—————-

I went to the MKULTRA facility in the desert. I came home to a different house than when I left. My mother had both grandmothers there I suspect as support as she knew where I was going was not a good thing for me.

I went for the one walk I ever went with my mothers mother. We went in the woods behind my house. Just her and me. It was wonderful. These woods were to be the location of may horrors. One was being lost there after some other horror. A rape and an older boy was killed as part of my assassin training.

She said to me that I was going to always work outside as I was like my grandfather. I am not a child abuser and am not like my grandfather. He was more of what most people think of when they thing of sexual child abuser.

We did work outside most of our life.

I went with my other grandmother to hang the wash. She reached down and picked a four leaf clover like it was not rare. She would not let me hold it. I expect she was faking it. Putting two together.

This was how I processed the being in the desert at the time.

Note: These woods were also where I had my first kiss and other good things did happen in these woods. Very very important.

Now we can eat.

We are resistant to getting enough sun now. In a way it has never been a good thing for some of us and we afraid.

There are some that water can not cleanse. They are the ones for living in there own excrement and others. With other babies dying and dead. In the heat of the summer. With maggots sometimes being the only food. With cold water sometimes being thrown on them.

It is important to understand we were not in that place it is where we lived. Trauma is often seen as events.

One would think that when I came out that would be the end of it. I never really knew if it was ended or not. I knew it existed.

I do not think I could survive as now. My body could not take it.

I kinda snuck in about the other baby. A baby that was like me in cage who died while I was there. Can a baby tell and understand such a thing. Yes on their level they understand.

This was repeated with puppies when I was older. This time I could understand on a different level.

This was repeated again when I was 10 with two people that I had worked with as a prostitute and loved deeply.

I can not know why these people did what they did. It feels in a way that they wanted to make me like them and they failed.

—————

There is one who when he is out even Kitty bolts. It is not that he is evil or anything it is just a shock is all. Kitty and he are getting to know each other. Kitty does not come near yet he does not bolt.

—————-

I know now where my many accents come from. It is from the MKULTRA facility. The kids there were from all over. I picked up sayings and accents. It was something to do.  I picked up mannerisms also. Teachers and parents always told me to stop. Some developed into different parts.

———–

Much of MKULTRA was looking for someone special. There were many Irish, Indians and Asians. We were thought to have some sort of sense others did not. Mostly we had imagination.

There is one kid I can almost see in my memory. He was trouble in the games as he was ambidextrous just like me. Going up against someone like that is more than twice as hard. We liked it and so did she. Interesting. We were pretty much unisex at the facilities. Part of there thing. We all looked the same in our hoods.

—————-

It is an interesting dynamic going on right now. We work and remember until it overloads out left brains understanding then stop and let our left brain catch up.

Often the work gets boring. Why do we care about that and such. That there is something right around the corner waiting to drop is kinda gone. Now that we know about the facilities.

It is kind like thinking  about college. I do not think of everyone or every class.

Another dynamic is the OH that explains it thing. We have been to 7 different colleges and universities. Why? trying to find those from MKULTRA.

Those from MKULTRA WILL NOT integrate until the one from before them do. We asked long ago and they told us NO.

I am so done with people who I think hide what they do not know to begin with.

———-

As I dummy up less and less I am finding many people who know me choose not to be with me. Good news is I am finding many other people who do. Not better people or more enlightened people.  Just people I want to be with me. It has been my experience the more enlightenment a person tells me they are the less enlightened they appear to me.

Enlightened to me seems to be just be about being able to be excited about life and wanting to share that excitement.

I had another drama in blogland. This one I did not even know was going on as it meant not much to me. There is a common thread to every drama I have in blogland.   Same as in real life. When people tell me about me in a way that is instructional  I react. I react differently now in that I am bored with probing them wrong. I simply state I do not accept their belief they know about anything but themselves.

I understand that I am passionate about some things and it is not with out purpose. It is mostly about delusions. Or what I see as delusions.  One of them being that all trauma is the same the effect is known and predictable and the path to healing will be the same without any drastic differences.

I am past for me where those that believe this to be true are in my way.  Why I am still passionate is I believe that others are still in the way. It is hard as they seem to be confident they are not.

Good mornings work and it is only 9. Just knowing that we may be able to have the sun effect from the tanning booth was a big part of it.