We did the work we posted this morning and got done at 9. We have slept since then and it is 4:00. This is not a normal sleep. It is the sleep of a multiple healing. It is in anticipation that the tanning booth will make a difference. What is going on is many many many of us have slept. I am told 16 of us. As we sleep in groups and some have slept more than once it is pretty important.
We are thinking less and less in terms of how we were when before and less about how we were before in relation to before and thinking more as a multiple healing.
We are aware that we went back to the cellar which is where we were when we were first born after how ever long we spent in the hospital when we were born in the MKULTRA program. We thing the theory of the first month was to keep our body kind in the womb state so we could further develop. Using academia logic and information at the time this makes sense. As premature babies tend to not do as well as other babies academia would conclude having a baby in womb like conditions longer would be better. And they would assume they could create a womb like experience due to there limits of understanding of the experience. They really do see babies as little adults. That”s OK I see most academics as childish adults.
So when our limbs were dislocated and we were shipped to the MKULTRA facilities there was a “thawing” our time and it was excruciating. White pain over and over again and passing out from it often. What ever drugs the gave us to thaw us out at least in there head required that we keep moving as much as possible. They would have someone there picking us up if we dropped and we had to keep moving in the pain. It was a horror. I remember we could not drink water which is stupid. There were ice baths which were a horror but not as bad as the ice baths used for torture by the cults.
In a way this sleeping on and off by so many of us in one day and then getting to be in the sun (tanning booth) is a recreation of this experience. That we get to make marbles tomorrow is part of it also.
That is interesting. Usually for some of us the day would now be over. It is not today.
We think we are doing pretty well. Always good to check. We have the feeling that we are on the cusp of being able to more do things that are more normal. Note: We have a very broad definition of normal. Good news is experience tells us that if we are wrong some will let us know.
We know we need to be careful about protecting therapy. That has been a constant. If we do not do that than it is never good for us. it is a hard dynamic as we can not put pressure on some by protecting therapy. It can not be well this is your chance or this time is yours and it is up to you not to waste it. None of us work well with important things under that pressure.
We have a big change in our schedule and a little one in our life. The open glass studio where we are a monitor has changed days and the students will change. Note: I do not teach I just take care of the studio. We had it set up so we went to open studio and then we started to prepare for therapy the next day. Our reality is that some will think we are going to therapy just because we had open studio. It is something we just have to deal with. Before it could be really crazy and the work of therapy would happen anyway.
Financially we are a mess although not anywhere near the eating dog food place.
Physically we are doing very well for this time of year for us. And well considering what work there is that needs doing.
So that is where we are at and we expect tomorrow to be better with having gone to the tanning booth. We call it the rotisserie. We really do turn around and around in the booth.
It is funny we are done with some many of the games that we used to play. We have the sense it is not that some that need to play those games are not out and we will need to play them later. We are just done with them.
We went to the rotisserie and it is a good thing for us. We at least for now are going to stay below the tanning level. We will go depending on how much natural sun we get. We know our body. We are not going to put it off like we did last time. We wanted to do that to get some data.
MKULTRA is hard. Much of the stuff we did there was not traumatic. We learned to fence and stuff. One of the hardest thing is it was all about reacting. We did not have to make and time decisions, or when to eat. It was all controlled.
It a way it was not confusing at all while there.
