We are sun deprived.
There is much hope that the tanning booth will make a huge difference. We are going tonight. There is a tad of hitting our head with a hammer as it feels so good when we stop. We could go this morning.
Last night one of us thought “I hope the tanning booth works because if it does not than we will have to be me.” They in that moment understood that if they can hope than they were them even though we were not in total distress yet.
It is very important.
Very little is working right now. Very much our body is not working. We are having trouble eating etc. It has been a gradual decline since last Tues night when we used the tanning booth. There were some bumps up when we did get some sun.
It is very different than the pool or hot tub which is more a way to stay even much of the time. We often go only as it has never been a bad thing. If the tanning booth is closed for some weird reason say the power goes out it will not be dangerous like when the pool is shut down or filled with idiots. We would just continue on our gradual decline.
————-
So we wondered why did we never figure out the sun before? We think we know. To think all we had to do was get enough sun would be to have left those from the cellar and closet away forever. We always were trying to find a way for them to be. They did get to be and every time it was a horror for them and for the rest of us. We would go away and thrive which was why we are multiple and then try and find those from the cellar and closet and fail.
—————-
I went to the MKULTRA facility in the desert. I came home to a different house than when I left. My mother had both grandmothers there I suspect as support as she knew where I was going was not a good thing for me.
I went for the one walk I ever went with my mothers mother. We went in the woods behind my house. Just her and me. It was wonderful. These woods were to be the location of may horrors. One was being lost there after some other horror. A rape and an older boy was killed as part of my assassin training.
She said to me that I was going to always work outside as I was like my grandfather. I am not a child abuser and am not like my grandfather. He was more of what most people think of when they thing of sexual child abuser.
We did work outside most of our life.
I went with my other grandmother to hang the wash. She reached down and picked a four leaf clover like it was not rare. She would not let me hold it. I expect she was faking it. Putting two together.
This was how I processed the being in the desert at the time.
Note: These woods were also where I had my first kiss and other good things did happen in these woods. Very very important.
Now we can eat.
We are resistant to getting enough sun now. In a way it has never been a good thing for some of us and we afraid.
There are some that water can not cleanse. They are the ones for living in there own excrement and others. With other babies dying and dead. In the heat of the summer. With maggots sometimes being the only food. With cold water sometimes being thrown on them.
It is important to understand we were not in that place it is where we lived. Trauma is often seen as events.
One would think that when I came out that would be the end of it. I never really knew if it was ended or not. I knew it existed.
I do not think I could survive as now. My body could not take it.
I kinda snuck in about the other baby. A baby that was like me in cage who died while I was there. Can a baby tell and understand such a thing. Yes on their level they understand.
This was repeated with puppies when I was older. This time I could understand on a different level.
This was repeated again when I was 10 with two people that I had worked with as a prostitute and loved deeply.
I can not know why these people did what they did. It feels in a way that they wanted to make me like them and they failed.
—————
There is one who when he is out even Kitty bolts. It is not that he is evil or anything it is just a shock is all. Kitty and he are getting to know each other. Kitty does not come near yet he does not bolt.
—————-
I know now where my many accents come from. It is from the MKULTRA facility. The kids there were from all over. I picked up sayings and accents. It was something to do. I picked up mannerisms also. Teachers and parents always told me to stop. Some developed into different parts.
———–
Much of MKULTRA was looking for someone special. There were many Irish, Indians and Asians. We were thought to have some sort of sense others did not. Mostly we had imagination.
There is one kid I can almost see in my memory. He was trouble in the games as he was ambidextrous just like me. Going up against someone like that is more than twice as hard. We liked it and so did she. Interesting. We were pretty much unisex at the facilities. Part of there thing. We all looked the same in our hoods.
—————-
It is an interesting dynamic going on right now. We work and remember until it overloads out left brains understanding then stop and let our left brain catch up.
Often the work gets boring. Why do we care about that and such. That there is something right around the corner waiting to drop is kinda gone. Now that we know about the facilities.
It is kind like thinking about college. I do not think of everyone or every class.
Another dynamic is the OH that explains it thing. We have been to 7 different colleges and universities. Why? trying to find those from MKULTRA.
Those from MKULTRA WILL NOT integrate until the one from before them do. We asked long ago and they told us NO.
I am so done with people who I think hide what they do not know to begin with.
———-
As I dummy up less and less I am finding many people who know me choose not to be with me. Good news is I am finding many other people who do. Not better people or more enlightened people. Just people I want to be with me. It has been my experience the more enlightenment a person tells me they are the less enlightened they appear to me.
Enlightened to me seems to be just be about being able to be excited about life and wanting to share that excitement.
I had another drama in blogland. This one I did not even know was going on as it meant not much to me. There is a common thread to every drama I have in blogland. Same as in real life. When people tell me about me in a way that is instructional I react. I react differently now in that I am bored with probing them wrong. I simply state I do not accept their belief they know about anything but themselves.
I understand that I am passionate about some things and it is not with out purpose. It is mostly about delusions. Or what I see as delusions. One of them being that all trauma is the same the effect is known and predictable and the path to healing will be the same without any drastic differences.
I am past for me where those that believe this to be true are in my way. Why I am still passionate is I believe that others are still in the way. It is hard as they seem to be confident they are not.
Good mornings work and it is only 9. Just knowing that we may be able to have the sun effect from the tanning booth was a big part of it.
