Hard work this.
I want to be clear the people that ran MKULTRA are still out there meaning I could go to current hospitals and put together Dr ect that would do this work.
At the facilities you have nothing. Nothing is yours. You do not sleep in the same place of the same bed. You might to to where you eat and there would be food there and nobody eats. Or it might just be you that does not eat. You might be asleep and you all are woken up to stand or one of you might stand. Etc.
I did things. I would try and keep track of a grain of sand. When it got lost or I swallowed it in my sleep I would plan on getting another. Once I did I would compare it to the other grains of sand. I would look for the same one that I lost. A injury was good. It was yours. Over all being in pain not so much. A scratch was better than an injury. A injury someone could see was the best. If you were seriously hurt than you went away.
We used to stay underwater and when we came up I would be hit in the head with a stick. Or maybe not.
You do pick up patterns which is not helpful now. You know who is hung over ect. You know who likes to hurt children. You can tell when something is up at the facility and it is never good.
These were government types and educators. It was really all about them. The being strapped to the front of a car on a platform and the car was fast was really the assholes playing. They got to drive a fast car on a runway where there was not risk to them.
The reason we never knew were we were was their fear. They knew what they were doing was wrong and we were as a group dangerous children. We were always under guard.
We used to have to run scenarios and I came up with rush the guards. That did not go over well. Kinda like assassination it is only OK if it is someone else.
There were lots of wash outs. Some seemed to stay there all the time. Probably orphans to be shipped to the cults. The cults killed two that I know of.
If there was nothing happening you ran in place ect.
I still liked it there. I do not know where the children went that washed out. My reptilian brain knew where I was was a lot better than where I had been. There is a think that happens where you are so in distress that you can not see the possibility of anywhere better. Then if you do you know you are screwed if you try.
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Skip to Marine camp. Queers in Here. We had obviously been exhausted with purpose. They did this in teams as the Marines could not keep up. We were given a choice. Go into the tent and rest “Queers go Here” of for a little moonlight run. Earl the Pearl who was in instructor gave me a look that told me not to go in that tent. We never went for the run by the way. It was a way to weed out. We have a sense this weeding out was done by numbers in that so many had to go.
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Once every few years I really want a baloney sandwich and chocolaty milk. This is from the Marine camp.
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So yesterday we slept from 3 pm to 7 pm then got up and worked on a mandala till midnight. That is what we would tell the world. This is what happened. Some of us went to sleep and other got up while others slept and we worked on the Mandela. We expect this is on the wane as we know it happened. There is not lost time. Some are sleeping.
Now when one of you is sleeping you do not want anything to happen where the others wake up. That would not be the way we treat each other.
So the ones did the mandala and then went to sleep others were awake and they did not see the point of doing any of this as they have nothing. It was pretty rough.
We did notice that right now we have no marbles in our pocket. They are outside as we want to take some photos in the snow. The way it works is those that can take those photos are not out and about. Before it could be they come out and about next spring and wonder why there is not snow.
The sun is out which for us is a good thing. We were jut about out of sun energy. We are still a little burned and can not go back to the booth. We know it is important for us to go at night.
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The ones from MKULTRA do not see any future for them. We have learned they need to stay with that feeling. We were a kid. We did not yet understand how fucked up people are. We thought we would be doing good in the world and we thought that the military had an honor which they do not. We kinda picked up that some who had seen combat had a totally different attitude. Less bullshit.
You have to remember this was in the 50′s and early 60′s. If I had a hammer was a protest song and banned. The US had not been on the losing side since unconditionally surrendering to the Indian Nation. I think it is important that the US was losing to the children of Vietnam. There seemed to be a change when that was known.
We do not have the order that we need to all of this. It is like different lifes for us. We do think we will get the order although sometimes it seems not possible. Pretty much we want our own narrative.
We can speak of many of these things calmly now.
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It is huge for us that no matter where we went we were seen as going to be successful. It happens now with the healing. We were made so many promises. My parents were promised that if I went through this program I would have a great life. To them this meant money for them. This has been articulated my whole life.
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Part of my parents narrative is how hard they had it and how easy I had it. Over and over and over I had to listen to this. Much of the time because I was worn out from all the horror. They seemed to pick up on that I really did not need a lot to do well at most things. Pretty much they were really fucked up.
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Hard as it is to believe MKULTRA at the facilities was a good learning environment. Much better than public schools. We had food most of the time and there was nothing else to do. One of the problems is the teaching was incomplete. I was trained to take short hand. I never got to practice just copy the symbols down and it was supposed to come to me.
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When I was 14 we moved. I was living in two towns for a while. One on the week-ends and the other during the week. Traveling to a new town and then to the town where much of this all happened. I had to work all week-end and try and adjust to a new school. Then the next summer was spent in a different town during the week. That summer was good for me. My father was not around and I got to swim and play golf as I had my own money.
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Last night someone e-mailed me who I love very much. In that moment I was not excited about seeing them. That is OK. What is not is that is a total different person. It is not that is the way they are rather when we are that way I am them. Not a good job.
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We had natural sun today and that is much more better. Talked to someone and they said that tanning can be addictive. I can see that.
We are getting a lot of stuff. We have known that we do not eat chocolate and yet we sometimes do. Some times we crave it. The ones from the Marine MKULTRA camp ate k-rations.
We think we might be tired and not know it.
Hard work this.
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